Sigh. Here I go AGAIN.

You see, I was out designing my beautiful TARDIS (although at the time it looked like a bug (you know, volkswagon Beetle-type car)) and as I was putting the finishing touchs, I realized that if I were to time travel,

a. I don't have a British accent (though now I can pull off a pretty good one in a pinch) and
b. I don't have a slender, beautiful female companion (or a robot or an annoying genius child or my granddaughter or a mechanized talking dog with a laser for a nose).

I'm really not all that slender and attractive myself. My teeth are too good to get away with a really long scarf, I hate celery, I look odd in Victorian clothes, the Brigadier doesn't have a clue who I am and hates Americans anyway, I don't have any marbles, and I haven't played cricket in a very long time. All in all, chances were good that I would meet the Cyberdemons, and after Silver Nemesis I think that would be a bad idea. Young girl packing slingshot would bring back bad memories from the Cyberleader.

Having realized this, as I was standing at my counsel a guy with a black goatee in a black outfit came in and demanded to use it, or he would vaporize me with his little ray gun. Upon realizing that this was indeed the Master (though one of the earlier regenerations, how, I don't know, heck, it's time travel!) and realizing that he would indeed kill me, I offered him a kosher tea biscuit and some ice cream, and we sat down for tea (for future reference, he likes Twinnings Earl Grey) and talked about my design.

Now, I had heard a rumor that Pentiums will screw up complicated math at the thirtieth decimal, and I, knowing that time travel is much more exact, placed that chip inside, telling him I had to make a minor adjustment, since the technology here was so limited, and he allowed me (he was rather bored at this point) as I serenaded him with all sorts of drivel ranging from Les Miserable (and I'm a soprano, so Valjean's and Javert's parts came out a little odd) to Good Omens. It turns out that he likes Americans, though he doesn't like humans in general; Americans make the best bourbon.

We parted on good terms and he vwoorped away merrily. I expect he landed somewhere on Gallifrey, that is the default planet, after all, and I'm more than happy to let them deal with him. Actually, Gallifrey should be in big trouble right now; my PC was in that TARDIS. I just couldn't go time traveling without Civilization, DOOM and a D! Random Generator, Duke Nukem, X-Wing and Tie-Fighter. Unfortunately, there was also WINbug 98 on that machine, and I hate to think that Microsoft's disease could have spread so far.

And that, my friend, is a true story. Don't believe me? I can e-mail you the designs for your very own TARDIS, though I am afraid that it will start out looking like a Volkswagon Beetle until you install the chameleon chips correctly (and I actually pirated it from a book that I have never seen in any bookstore and guard zealously).

=)

Jaya

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