By Tapestry & Various Click here for the latest entries (January 2002)!
How To Be A Mary Sue I'm allowed to post this because, hell, I posted the results of most of these mistakes long before most people were even reading fic. ;) Thanks to Persephone Kore, Redhawk and Emspider, who are really way too good at this... Some words of advice to the young Mary Sues: "You must have had either a perfectly normal life until manifestation (with the possible exception of having been a bit of a misfit, but apparently that's normal), or -- more commonly -- an incredibly and horrifically eventful one. In either case, it will have no discernible effect on your ability to deal with things." "Remember, you don't need to worry about the previous relationships of the canon characters. They'll be only too happy to succumb to your wiles after a few swift kicks to the head." "You want to sound cool, so try using a color, celestial body, or even animal as a first (and maybe even second!) name." "Be smart, be witty, and above all, talented. After all, no one likes a partypooper." "When you first enter the scene you want to choose a foil, so find a sufficiently hated character and place him against yourself, therefor making you look bad and him look even worse." "Distinguishing features are a must to make you stand out from your new teammates, so try to get a few nifty tattoos. If you can't afford them, take a kitchen knife and start slicing. Remember, scars are as good as birthmarks!" "Looking good is important. You might want to consider acquiring contacts and dying your hair (white is a favorite) before making the scene." "Learn to giggle and simper. Older males find it endearing." "Learn martial arts, at least one musical instrument, and if possible a couple of foreign languages. The more special skills you have, the better!" "Get yourself a gimmick, like a piece of jewelry or an article of clothing you wear constantly. Oh yeah, avoid dresses. They're for sissies." "Animal friends are ALWAYS fun! Try a small dragon or a hawk for starters -- they're pretty, compact, loyal, and can rip out your opponent's eyes in .5 seconds." "When shopping around for super powers, I suggest going for telepathy, elemental control, or shape shifting. No one likes a girl who can beat up the team's heavy-hitters. It's unladylike." "Include at least one trip to the mall in every story. Everyone loves to shop, especially if the cash is unlimited. Remember, Xavier and Frost are LOADED." "For a costume try a stylish little midriff number, in leather if possible. Or, if you're a Good Girl, try something pink and flowing. Huge boots and tight tops work well together." "Be sure to include at least one scene in which you A) save a wounded squirrel, B) feed pigeons on french bread, C) help an old guy across the street, or D) all of the above." "You should have ridiculous amounts of power at your disposal. No one likes a partial transformer, or a weak telepath." "You really should pick a big-brother figure in one of the team. If you play your cards right, it should be Gambit, and he should call you 'petite' often. Or, if you're feeling adventurous, try Wolverine! If things work out he can be your big-brother figure AND future lover!" "If you can make male characters fight for your affections, you know you're in the big leagues!" "If you're a little below average in the looks department, consider plastic surgery. Remember, the optimum bodytype is 'willowy.'" "In Mary Sue Land no one ever has to put any amount of time into training for their skills. Bonus points if you use telepathy to learn all your arsekicking skills." "With the proper teachers it should be NO problem to go from total newbie to Master Apprentice of the Secret Arts in the space of a few weeks. If you have to break a sweat you obviously aren't trying hard enough." "Power is a state of mind. For instance, if you're ever caught in a deep Amazon rainforest, botanopathy is never out of your reach." "Any physical mutation will only serve to *enhance* your already intense personal beauty and charisma. Wings are always feathery and graceful, claws are always retractable and unnoticeable, and so on and so forth." "No Mary Sue ever has to study to learn anything! Deep knowledge of hard subjects comes as naturally as breathing!" "Cash is NEVER an issue. Being independently wealthy is a must!" "Quantum physics is a breeze: just use your subatomically-finely-honed telekinesis to grasp the difficult theory!" "It's always dramatic and endearing to FLING your innocent, beautiful self in front of various teammembers, deflecting fatal plasma blasts/bullets/oncoming semitrucks, even if your teammembers are invulnerable or otherwise protected!" "Remember: though plasma blasts WILL bubble your skin, you will still leave a lovely tragic corpse with your glorious expressive eyes staring toward the sky!" "Important note -- no matter how innocent you are, a Mary Sue *always* knows just what to do in bed. And never has to worry about unwanted pregnancy, diseases, or anything *bad*!" "If your intentions are on the raunchy side, remember, just because someone's been shown as straight so far doesn't mean you can't secrete pheromones to make them change your mind!" "FRIENDS! Mary Sues always have a friend who, while not as clever or as resourceful as she, still fills a useful need now and again." "Be connected to as many people as you can think of. For example, think of the possibilities for angst when Riptide is your long-lost fourth cousin!" "When you're kidnaped by Sinister (and we're sure you will be, only to break free a few chapters later, of course!) make sure to include his Lab of Eeeeeville. Every good mad scientist needs a Lab of Eeeeeville. And don't forget to be 'spunky' when confronted with a gloating Mr. Sinister. There is NO un-'spunky' Mary Sue. Don't spit in his face; that's unladylike. But always have a good reserve of great sarcastic insults that make Mr. Sinister nearly see the error of his ways." "A proper Mary Sue is the master of the comeback, and so persuasive that she can make even Apocalypse see the error of his ways." "Hardened killers with hundreds of kills to their credit need love too, and they'll always spare a Mary Sue." "Try to score a journey into space as soon as possible. You'll make valuable connections, and maybe even take the a spaceship for a cruise! (But they pull to the left, so be careful when going into warp.)" "No matter HOW weird things get, a Mary Sue is never fazed." "Having an alien lover is a good idea, and often a rewarding experience. Sure, to them humans are freakish pink sacks of goo, but your unique beauty transcends species barriers!" "Marriage and mental bonds are irrelevant for a Mary Sue (unless of course we don't LIKE Cyclops, in which case he will be constantly epoxied to Jean's side)." "Remember the magic three: Summers, LeBeau, Lensherr. Any of these men are imminently relatable." "You should have an explanation ready for any odd behavior, up to and including mass slaughter -- don't worry, the X-Men looove you. They'll listen!" "If you're male, try to cultivate a Secret Past. That way Gambit and Wolverine will have someone to relate to." "If you're female, have a Secret Past anyway, with all the people Gambit and Wolverine hate. They'll love you for it. Not like they don't already, but as a Mary Sue, cover all your bases." This concludes your first session of Mary Sueing for Beginners. I hope everyone has learned a valuable lesson. (Even if it was something as simple as "Don't inhale white-out fumes as a child.") Tapestry
Re: How To Be A Mary Sue Narrator: One day in Subreality Cafe Land, two people were sitting in the Writers' Cafe. One was of medium height, with multicoloured hair. HER name was Marya. The other was of indeterminate height with dark hair. Her name was Suzy. They were reading together the message boards of CFAN. And then, Marya spotted something most interesting!
Marya: Yo, Writer. Narrator: And so Marya and Suzy sat down and read... Some words of advice to the young Mary Sues: Marya: I'm over a thousand, thank you. "You must have had either a perfectly normal life until manifestation (with the possible exception of having been a bit of a misfit, but apparently that's normal), or -- more commonly -- an incredibly and horrifically eventful one. In either case, it will have no discernible effect on your ability to deal with things."
Marya: Um...I started out complicated. "Remember, you don't need to worry about the previous relationships of the cannon characters. They'll be only too happy to succumb to your wiles after a few swift kicks to the head."
Marya: I have never kicked Scott. "You want to sound cool, so try using a color, celestial body, or even animal as a first (and maybe even second!) name."
Marya: Marya Louisa Susanna DeZorga... Miscounting the Marquisiate, and several other things. "Be smart, be witty, and above all, talented. After all, no one likes a party pooper." Marya: I need my sleep. "When you first enter the scene you want to choose a foil, so find a sufficiently hated character and place him against yourself, therefor making you look bad and him look even worse."
Suzy: Actually, I didn't want to. Lynx made me do it. "Distinguishing features are a must to make you stand out from your new teammates, so try to get a few nifty tattoos. If you can't afford them, take a kitchen knife and start slicing. Remember, scars are as good as birthmarks!"
Marya: No. "Looking good is important. You might want to consider acquiring contacts and dying your hair (white is a favorite) before making the scene."
Suzy: Does brushing your hair count? "Learn to giggle and simper. Older males find it endearing." Marya: Sorry. I haven't giggled since I was three. And I think simpering is something people who are about to die do. "Learn martial arts, at least one musical instrument, and if possible a couple of foreign languages. The more special skills you have, the better!"
Marya: I'm a thousand years old. The languages I've forgotten aren't even used anymore. "Get yourself a gimmick, like a piece of jewelry or an article of clothing you wear constantly. Oh yeah, avoid dresses. They're for sissies."
Marya: Actually... "Animal friends are ALWAYS fun! Try a small dragon or a hawk for starters -- they're pretty, compact, loyal, and can rip out your opponent's eyes in .5 seconds."
Marya: Ooh! Dinner! "When shopping around for super powers, I suggest going for telepathy, elemental control, or shape shifting. No one likes a girl who can beat up the team's heavy-hitters. It's unladylike."
Suzy: Erm... Let's see... Telepathy, Telekinesis, healing, a bit of magic... Elemental? Maybe... "Include at least one trip to the mall in every story. Everyone loves to shop, especially if the cash is unlimited. Remember, Xavier and Frost are LOADED."
Suzy: It was Christmas, after all... "For a costume try a stylish little midriff number, in leather if possible. Or, if you're a Good Girl, try something pink and flowing. Huge boots and tight tops work well together."
Marya: If you even THINK of putting me in that... "Be sure to include at least one scene in which you A) save a wounded squirrel, B) feed pigeons on french bread, C) help an old guy across the street, or D) all of the above."
Suzy: You save wounded squirrels? "You should have ridiculous amounts of power at your disposal. No one likes a partial transformer, or a weak telepath." Marya: Nor do they like an insane, power-mad creature destroying their world. "You really should pick a big-brother figure in one of the team. If you play your cards right, it should be Gambit, and he should call you "petite" often. Or, if you're feeling adventurous, try Wolverine! If things work out he can be your big-brother figure AND future lover!" Marya: It's not MY fault Meggan dumped me with Remy's family. "If you can make male characters fight for your affections, you know you're in the big leagues!" Suzy: Testosterone. Sigh. "If you're a little below average in the looks department, consider plastic surgery. Remember, the optimum bodytype is 'willowy.'" Marya: *preens* "In Mary Sue-land no one ever has to put any amount of time into training for their skills. Bonus points if you use telepathy to learn all your arsekicking skills." Marya: Um... A. I'm over a thousand. B. I trained at least three years with the castle guards, and then four with Ramirez. "With the proper teachers it should be NO problem to go from total newbie to Master Apprentice of the Secret Arts in the space of a few weeks. If you have to break a sweat you obviously aren't trying hard enough."
Marya: I repeat: four years. "Power is a state of mind. For instance, if you're ever caught in a deep Amazon rainforest, botanopathy is never out of your reach."
Marya: I'm smart. I do one of two things. Eat nothing, or eat only what the other primates do. "Any physical mutation will only serve to _enhance_ your already intense personal beauty and charisma. Wings are always feathery and graceful, claws are always retractable and are unnoticeable, and so on and so forth."
Marya: Not applicable. "No Mary Sue ever has to study to learn anything! Deep knowledge of hard subjects comes as naturally as breathing!"
Suzy: So, how was that physics test? "Cash is NEVER an issue. Being independently wealthy is a must!"
Marya: I should bloody HOPE I'm independantly wealthy. "Quantum physics is a breeze: just use your subatomically-finely-honed telekinesis to grasp the difficult theory!" Marya: I'll leave subatomic theory to the people who actually understand it. "It's always dramatic and endearing to FLING your innocent, beautiful self in front of various team members, deflecting fatal plasma blasts/bullets/oncoming semitrucks, even if your team members are invulnerable or otherwise protected!" Marya: Like hell. They can bloody well fend for themselves. I have better things to do with my time, like save my OWN skin. "Remember: though plasma blasts WILL bubble your skin, you will still leave a lovely tragic corpse with your glorious expressive eyes staring toward the sky!"
Suzy: Actually, you looked like a very charred steak. "Important note -- no matter how innocent you are, a Mary Sue _always_ knows just what to do in bed. And never has to worry about unwanted pregnancy, diseases, or anything _bad_!"
Marya: I'm Immortal, I can't GET pregnant. "If your intentions are on the raunchy side, remember, just because someone's been shown as straight so far doesn't mean you can't secrete pheromones to make them change your mind!"
Marya: Uh... "FRIENDS! Mary Sues always have a friend who, while not as clever or as resourceful as she, still fills a useful need now and again."
Marya: Well, of course they're useful. Duh. It's not like I haven't saved their asses other times, either. "Be connected to as many people as you can think of: for example, think of the possibilities for angst when Riptide is your long-lost fourth cousin!"
Suzy: Damn, and he's dead, too. "When you're kidnaped by Sinister (and we're sure you will be, only to break free a few chapters later, of course!) make sure to include his Lab of Eeeeeville. Every good mad scientist needs a Lab of Eeeeeville. And don't forget to be "spunky" when confronted with a gloating Mr. Sinister. There is NO un-"spunky" Mary Sue. Don't spit in his face; that's unladylike. But always have a good reserve of great sarcastic insults that make Mr. Sinister nearly see the error of his ways."
Marya: Why? It's just easier to kill him and get it over with. "A proper Mary Sue is the master of the comeback, and so persuasive that she can make even Apocalypse see the error of his ways."
Suzy: Is that why Meggan sent you back in time? "Hardened killers with hundreds of kills to their credit need love too, and they'll always spare a Mary Sue." Marya: They didn't, actually. I believe I was very dead the first time I met Creed. "Try to score a journey into space as soon as possible. You'll make valuable connections, and maybe even take the a spaceship for a cruise! (But they pull to the left, so be careful when going into warp.)"
Marya: (looks suspiciously at Suzy) What are you planning? "No matter HOW weird things get, a Mary Sue is never fazed." Marya: Like hell I'm not. "Having an alien lover is a good idea, and often a rewarding experience. Sure, to them humans are freakish pink sacks of goo, but your unique beauty transcends species barriers!" Marya: Okay. Hold it. No offense to the non-humans, but I like Human Males. And that's it. Women are pretty, but not my style. "Marriage and mental bonds are irrelevant for a Mary Sue (unless of course we don't LIKE Cyclops, in which case he will be constantly epoxied to Jean's side)."
Marya: Oh, I like Scott fine. It's that bitch Jean... "Remember the magic three: Summers, LeBeau, Lensherr. Any of these men are imminently relatable."
Suzy: I am not Brucha. "You should have an explanation ready for any odd behavior, up to and including mass slaughter -- don't worry, the X-Men looove you. They'll listen!"
Suzy: So, what'd they say when you accidentally left the window open and rain ruined the Scrabble game? "If you're male, try to cultivate a Secret Past. That way Gambit and Wolverine will have someone to relate to."
Suzy: Er... Right. Good thing you're not male. "If you're female, have a Secret Past anyway, with all the people Gambit and Wolverine hate. They'll love you for it. Not like they don't already, but as a Mary Sue, cover all your bases."
Marya: I'm still trying to figure out who loves me. This concludes your first session of Mary Sueing for Beginners. I hope everyone has learned a valuable lesson. (Even if it was something as simple as "Don't inhale white-out fumes as a child.")
Suzy: I was inhaling marker fumes the other day, but I don't think it counts. Narrator: And then the waitress came over and gave the two a drink. -=the end=-
Suzy, who really enjoyed this. :)
Re: How To Be A Mary Sue (Micaela peers at her computer screen intently, chin resting on her folded hands. A tall, auburn-haired man walks through a door, holding a drink.)
Tiger: "Whatcha looking at?" (peers over her shoulder) Some words of advice to the young Mary Sues:
Tiger: "But I'm not Mary Sue!" "You must have had either a perfectly normal life until manifestation (with the possible exception of having been a bit of a misfit, but apparently that's normal), or -- more commonly -- an incredibly and horrifically eventful one. In either case, it will have no discernible effect on your ability to deal with things." Tiger: "...no discernable effect? You mean other than my distressing tendancy to kill anything smaller than me?" "Remember, you don't need to worry about the previous relationships of the cannon characters. They'll be only too happy to succumb to your wiles after a few swift kicks to the head."
Tiger: "Or after being beaten nearly to death..." "You want to sound cool, so try using a color, celestial body, or even animal as a first (and maybe even second!) name."
Micaela: "*sigh*, guilty as charged." "Be smart, be witty, and above all, talented. After all, no one likes a party pooper." Tiger: "Oh, I'm talented, all right. Just the stuff I'm good at doesn't usually make good conversation at parties." "When you first enter the scene you want to choose a foil, so find a sufficiently hated character and place him against yourself, therefor making you look bad and him look even worse."
Tiger: "Well, there's Rogue..." "Distinguishing features are a must to make you stand out from your new teammates, so try to get a few nifty tattoos. If you can't afford them, take a kitchen knife and start slicing. Remember, scars are as good as birthmarks!"
Tiger: (looks pleadingly at Micaela) "Pretty please? One tattoo? It doesn't have to be big. Maybe like a lil' butterfly. Please? I'll be a good boy, I promise..." "Looking good is important. You might want to consider acquiring contacts and dying your hair (white is a favorite) before making the scene." Micaela: "Dye gives you split ends. And stark white hair is too easy to spot when you're sneaking up behind someone in a dark alley. No dice." "Learn to giggle and simper. Older males find it endearing."
Micaela: (pictures Tiger batting his lashes and camping up his voice). "BWAHAHAHAHA!" "Learn martial arts, at least one musical instrument, and if possible a couple of foreign languages. The more special skills you have, the better!"
Tiger: (to Micaela) "Hey, cher, ya wan' go on down to th' coon-ass jam-bor-ree? I Ga-raun-tee a good time, mon ami!" "Get yourself a gimmick, like a piece of jewelry or an article of clothing you wear constantly. Oh yeah, avoid dresses. They're for sissies."
Tiger: "Yeah, that's it. Let me go put on my mini-skirt and high-heels. And let's not forget the ribbons! I'll look just like one of those anime chicks from Sailor Moon!" "Animal friends are ALWAYS fun! Try a small dragon or a hawk for starters -- they're pretty, compact, loyal, and can rip out your opponent's eyes in .5 seconds."
Tiger: "Only Kitty has a dragon. And after I kill her, I doubt it will like me much." "When shopping around for super powers, I suggest going for telepathy, elemental control, or shape shifting. No one likes a girl who can beat up the team's heavy-hitters. It's unladylike."
Tiger: "I've never even used my powers." "Include at least one trip to the mall in every story. Everyone loves to shop, especially if the cash is unlimited. Remember, Xavier and Frost are LOADED." Tiger: (feigns flipping hair over shoulder: "And so, like, I sooo totally think that Jono, like, likes me, ya know? And I mean, he is so, like, totally hot even with half a face...oh, do you think Calvin Klein's will have pumps in my size?" "For a costume try a stylish little midriff number, in leather if possible. Or, if you're a Good Girl, try something pink and flowing. Huge boots and tight tops work well together."
Tiger: "Japheth wears the middrifts and leather. Of course, he's a stripper, so he has to." "Be sure to include at least one scene in which you A) save a wounded squirrel, B) feed pigeons on french bread, C) help an old guy across the street, or D) all of the above." Tiger: "Yeah, I'm gonna take time out from my busy homicidal murdering sprees to feed some rats with fuzzy tails. No way." "You should have ridiculous amounts of power at your disposal. No one likes a partial transformer, or a weak telepath."
Tiger: "One more time: WHEN. AM. I. GOING. TO. USE. MY. POWERS?" You really should pick a big-brother figure in one of the team. If you play your cards right, it should be Gambit, and he should call you "petite" often. Or, if you're feeling adventurous, try Wolverine! If things work out he can be your big-brother figure AND future lover!"
Tiger: (reads last two lines) "Eew! No way am I having sex with Wolverine! He gets black fur everywhere!" "If you can make male characters fight for your affections, you know you're in the big leagues!" Tiger: "I can't make them fight for my affections, only their lives. Is that close enough?" "If you're a little below average in the looks department, consider plastic surgery. Remember, the optimum bodytype is 'willowy.'"
Tiger: "...willowy? What the hell...?" "In Mary Sue-land no one ever has to put any amount of time into training for their skills. Bonus points if you use telepathy to learn all your arsekicking skills."
Tiger: "Don't have telepathy. And I hate breaking a sweat, so I prefer catching people unawares." "With the proper teachers it should be NO problem to go from total newbie to Master Apprentice of the Secret Arts in the space of a few weeks. If you have to break a sweat you obviously aren't trying hard enough." Tiger: "See above." "Power is a state of mind. For instance, if you're ever caught in a deep Amazon rainforest, botanopathy is never out of your reach."
Tiger: "Sorry, but I'll leave getting up close and personal with plants to Mantis and Juggernaut, if you don't mind." "Any physical mutation will only serve to enhance your already intense personal beauty and charisma. Wings are always feathery and graceful, claws are always retractable and are unnoticeable, and so on and so forth."
Tiger: "I don't have claws, and I can't fly." "No Mary Sue ever has to study to learn anything! Deep knowledge of hard subjects comes as naturally as breathing!"
Tiger: "Like tantric sex, right?" "Cash is NEVER an issue. Being independently wealthy is a must!"
Tiger: "I don't have a bank account. I just freeload off you." "Quantum physics is a breeze: just use your subatomically-finely-honed telekinesis to grasp the difficult theory!" Tiger: "*sighs* I'd repeat the speech about my powers, but I've done it twice already and even I have standards." "It's always dramatic and endearing to FLING your innocent, beautiful self in front of various team members, deflecting fatal plasma blasts/bullets/oncoming semitrucks, even if your team members are invulnerable or otherwise protected!"
Tiger: I ain't flinging myself in front of no plasma burst for NOBODY!" "Remember: though plasma blasts WILL bubble your skin, you will still leave a lovely tragic corpse with your glorious expressive eyes staring toward the sky!" Tiger: "Eew. Don't give her no ideas." "Important note -- no matter how innocent you are, a Mary Sue _always_ knows just what to do in bed. And never has to worry about unwanted pregnancy, diseases, or anything _bad_!"
Tiger: (smiles charmingly, seeing as how inocence is something he has no hope of pulling off) "If your intentions are on the raunchy side, remember, just because someone's been shown as straight so far doesn't mean you can't secrete pheromones to make them change your mind!"
Micaela: "Whew! Now I know how to get you, Logan, and Black Tom in a threesome!" "FRIENDS! Mary Sues always have a friend who, while not as clever or as resourceful as she, still fills a useful need now and again."
Tiger: (sniffles) "I...I don't have no...no friends...and sometimes...sometimes I get so...so lonely... *cries*" "Be connected to as many people as you can think of: for example, think of the possibilities for angst when Riptide is your long-lost fourth cousin!"
Micaela: "How'd you like to be the longlost, half-fae, cyborg, reincarnation of Dr.Doom's half brother?" "When you're kidnaped by Sinister (and we're sure you will be, only to break free a few chapters later, of course!) make sure to include his Lab of Eeeeeville. Every good mad scientist needs a Lab of Eeeeeville. And don't forget to be "spunky" when confronted with a gloating Mr. Sinister. There is NO un-"spunky" Mary Sue. Don't spit in his face; that's unladylike. But always have a good reserve of great sarcastic insults that make Mr. Sinister nearly see the error of his ways."
Tiger: "I don't need to be captured, I go willingly. And if he sees the error of his ways, I'm out of a job!" "A proper Mary Sue is the master of the comeback, and so persuasive that she can make even Apocalypse see the error of his ways." Tiger: "GROAN. There's that 'error of his ways' nonsense again..." "Hardened killers with hundreds of kills to their credit need love too, and they'll always spare a Mary Sue."
Tiger: "That's it. All I need is love." "Try to score a journey into space as soon as possible. You'll make valuable connections, and maybe even take the a spaceship for a cruise! (But they pull to the left, so be careful when going into warp.)"
Tiger: "I ain't getting strapped into no glorified tin can attached to a giant firecracker, no sir." "No matter HOW weird things get, a Mary Sue is never fazed." Tiger: "No, I just seem that way when I'm delusional." "Having an alien lover is a good idea, and often a rewarding experience. Sure, to them humans are freakish pink sacks of goo, but your unique beauty transcends species barriers!" Micaela: (squeaks in delight) "Ooooh, plot point for my Tiger/Logan/Black Tom weightless-in-space sex romp! Aliens! With tentacles or something, like in those animes!" "Marriage and mental bonds are irrelevant for a Mary Sue (unless of course we don't LIKE Cyclops, in which case he will be constantly epoxied to Jean's side)." Tiger: "Naw, only Cyke's hamstring is epoxied to Jean's side. The rest of him is in Sinister's Lab, or buried in the backyard." "Remember the magic three: Summers, LeBeau, Lensherr. Any of these men are imminently relatable."
Tiger: "Do I qualify as a relative...?" "You should have an explanation ready for any odd behavior, up to and including mass slaughter -- don't worry, the X-Men looove you. They'll listen!"
Tiger: (Laughs hysterically) "If you're male, try to cultivate a Secret Past. That way Gambit and Wolverine will have someone to relate to." Tiger: "Sure. 'Cept my past ain't secret anymore." "If you're female, have a Secret Past anyway, with all the people Gambit and Wolverine hate. They'll love you for it. Not like they don't already, but as a Mary Sue, cover all your bases."
Tiger: "Ain't happening, baring a sex change operation." This concludes your first session of Mary Sueing for Beginners. I hope everyone has learned a valuable lesson. (Even if it was something as simple as "Don't inhale white-out fumes as a child.")
Tiger: "...'Don't inhale whiteout?' Too late." ***THE END Micaela
Kielle: (brightly) Hi! Don't be fooled by the name -- I'm the real Kielle, the one the writer took her handle from way-back-when. She can't join us right now. Please ignore the thumping sounds from the closet. Wow, what a treat! We've got not one but THREE of Kelly's Mary Sues here today! I'm the original -- the immortal shapeshifting telepathic interdimensional traveller. Hi. This is T'jiri T'kiya-- "You must have had either a perfectly normal life until manifestation (with the possible exception of having been a bit of a misfit, but apparently that's normal), or -- more commonly -- an incredibly and horrifically eventful one. In either case, it will have no discernible effect on your ability to deal with things."
(all exchange glances) "Remember, you don't need to worry about the previous relationships of the cannon characters. They'll be only too happy to succumb to your wiles after a few swift kicks to the head."
Kielle: Hey, I didn't need to kick 'em. They wouldn't turn away a poor widdle injured amnesiac, now would they? "You want to sound cool, so try using a color, celestial body, or even animal as a first (and maybe even second!) name."
Jessie: Or lots of random apostrophes, or an alternate version of your writer's name. "Be smart, be witty, and above all, talented. After all, no one likes a party pooper."
T'jiri: Wow, Jessie, you're clear on all three counts! "When you first enter the scene you want to choose a foil, so find a sufficiently hated character and place him against yourself, therefor making you look bad and him look even worse."
(momentary huddled comparing of notes) "Distinguishing features are a must to make you stand out from your new teammates, so try to get a few nifty tattoos. If you can't afford them, take a kitchen knife and start slicing. Remember, scars are as good as birthmarks!"
T'jiri: (points at her arm) Got the tattoo! "Looking good is important. You might want to consider acquiring contacts and dying your hair (white is a favorite) before making the scene."
Kielle: Hmmm...sorry, Jessie, but as the only redhead with yellow-- "Learn to giggle and simper. Older males find it endearing."
T'jiri: Whupping their ass on the holodeck also turns 'em on. Trust me on this one. "Learn martial arts, at least one musical instrument, and if possible a couple of foreign languages. The more special skills you have, the better!"
(Both stare at Kielle) "Get yourself a gimmick, like a piece of jewelry or an article of clothing you wear constantly. Oh yeah, avoid dresses. They're for sissies."
Jessie: Let me tell you, Kielle's a solid mass of souvenirs. I'm amazed she can MOVE, let alone get through metal detectors. "Animal friends are ALWAYS fun! Try a small dragon or a hawk for starters -- they're pretty, compact, loyal, and can rip out your opponent's eyes in .5 seconds."
T'jiri: I admit to the tribble, but that was a joke... "When shopping around for super powers, I suggest going for telepathy, elemental control, or shape shifting. No one likes a girl who can beat up the team's heavy-hitters. It's unladylike."
Kielle: (sulkily) I rather thought only having telepathy made me LESS of a Mary Sue. "Include at least one trip to the mall in every story. Everyone loves to shop, especially if the cash is unlimited. Remember, Xavier and Frost are LOADED."
Kielle: I'M loaded. "For a costume try a stylish little midriff number, in leather if possible. Or, if you're a Good Girl, try something pink and flowing. Huge boots and tight tops work well together."
T'jiri: And rainbow vests. "Be sure to include at least one scene in which you A) save a wounded squirrel, B) feed pigeons on french bread, C) help an old guy across the street, or D) all of the above."
Jessie: Pigeons taste okay if you roast 'em long enough. "You should have ridiculous amounts of power at your disposal. No one likes a partial transformer, or a weak telepath."
Kielle: Unless you play it for sympathy. "Oh waaah boo-hoo, I'm such a totally amazing telepath but I don't have any shields, so the Psychic Bad Guy Of The Week can beat me alllll up and the cute guy-telepaths gotta save me!" You really should pick a big-brother figure in one of the team. If you play your cards right, it should be Gambit, and he should call you "petite" often. Or, if you're feeling adventurous, try Wolverine! If things work out he can be your big-brother figure AND future lover!" Jessie: No thanks. I'm not that little slut Rogue. "If you can make male characters fight for your affections, you know you're in the big leagues!"
Kielle: (quickly) Roleplaying characters belonging to your writer's male friends don't count. "If you're a little below average in the looks department, consider plastic surgery. Remember, the optimum bodytype is 'willowy'."
Kielle: I prefer "rangy." I's gots bones. T'jiri's "willowy." "In Mary Sue-land no one ever has to put any amount of time into training for their skills. Bonus points if you use telepathy to learn all your arsekicking skills."
T'jiri: Or you're just "naturally good." "With the proper teachers it should be NO problem to go from total newbie to Master Apprentice of the Secret Arts in the space of a few weeks. If you have to break a sweat you obviously aren't trying hard enough."
Kielle: Naaah, self-taught is better. (preens) "Power is a state of mind. For instance, if you're ever caught in a deep Amazon rainforest, botanopathy is never out of your reach."
Jessie: (strikes a dramatic pose) "Father Time! Mother Nature! Hear your daughter's call..." "Any physical mutation will only serve to _enhance_ your already intense personal beauty and charisma. Wings are always feathery and graceful, claws are always retractable and are unnoticeable, and so on and so forth."
(exchanged glances) "No Mary Sue ever has to study to learn anything! Deep knowledge of hard subjects comes as naturally as breathing!"
(Jessie pops up for air, wheezing and scowling) "Cash is NEVER an issue. Being independently wealthy is a must!"
Kielle: *snort* Who needs money when you've got powerful friends and your own planet? I mean honestly. "Quantum physics is a breeze: just use your subatomically-finely-honed telekinesis to grasp the difficult theory!"
(all laugh) "It's always dramatic and endearing to FLING your innocent, beautiful self in front of various team members, deflecting fatal plasma blasts/bullets/oncoming semitrucks, even if your team members are invulnerable or otherwise protected! Remember: though plasma blasts WILL bubble your skin, you will still leave a lovely tragic corpse with your glorious expressive eyes staring toward the sky!" Kielle: Naaah. Surviving with terrible injuries is far more entertaining in the long run. "Important note -- no matter how innocent you are, a Mary Sue _always_ knows just what to do in bed. And never has to worry about unwanted pregnancy, diseases, or anything _bad_!"
Jessie: At least *I* never got knocked up by accident. "If your intentions are on the raunchy side, remember, just because someone's been shown as straight so far doesn't mean you can't secrete pheromones to make them change your mind!"
Hwntrr: (leaning in) Precisely. "FRIENDS! Mary Sues always have a friend who, while not as clever or as resourceful as she, still fills a useful need now and again."
Hwntrr: Or having a really rich ex-owner who willed you the company before he died under mysterious circumstances... "Be connected to as many people as you can think of: for example, think of the possibilities for angst when Riptide is your long-lost fourth cousin!"
Kielle: For instance, T'j, you're my ten-times-removed granddaughter. "When you're kidnaped by Sinister (and we're sure you will be, only to break free a few chapters later, of course!) make sure to include his Lab of Eeeeeville. Every good mad scientist needs a Lab of Eeeeeville. And don't forget to be "spunky" when confronted with a gloating Mr. Sinister. Jessie: Who's Sinister? Wait a minute, was I supposed to meet this guy so I could sass him? Dammit! I'm behind on my Annoying Villains route! There is NO un-"spunky" Mary Sue. Don't spit in his face; that's unladylike. But always have a good reserve of great sarcastic insults that make Mr. Sinister nearly see the error of his ways."
T'jiri: I am the Goddess of Spunky, and I'm not ashamed of it, either! (pauses, thinks) Well, before the pregnancy, the torture, the crazy husband, the Vulcan captain with the human name, the interminable soppy "between game" stories, the crappy fanart, the, the, the... (bursts out sobbing) "A proper Mary Sue is the master of the comeback, and so persuasive that she can make even Apocalypse see the error of his ways."
Kielle: Well, sure, but there ain't much TO Jessie's character without the snappy-- OW! MY SHIN! "Hardened killers with hundreds of kills to their credit need love too, and they'll always spare a Mary Sue." T'jiri: (muttering) Only because the sicko wanted a bloody MATE...it wasn't fun, believe me... "Try to score a journey into space as soon as possible. You'll make valuable connections, and maybe even take the a spaceship for a cruise! (But they pull to the left, so be careful when going into warp.)"
T'jiri: No fair! I was born in space! "No matter HOW weird things get, a Mary Sue is never fazed."
All: HELL NO! "Having an alien lover is a good idea, and often a rewarding experience. Sure, to them humans are freakish pink sacks of goo, but your unique beauty transcends species barriers!" Jessie: Actually, I dated a freakish sack of goo for a while. He/she/it was quite charming. "Marriage and mental bonds are irrelevant for a Mary Sue (unless of course we don't LIKE Cyclops, in which case he will be constantly epoxied to Jean's side)."
(All three make "eww" faces) "Remember the magic three: Summers, LeBeau, Lensherr. Any of these men are imminently relatable."
(T'jiri and Jessie look at Kielle)
"You should have an explanation ready for any odd behavior, up to and including mass slaughter -- don't worry, the X-Men looove you. They'll listen!"
T'jiri: Hang on a second, let's get a male opinion on this... "If you're female, have a Secret Past anyway, with all the people Gambit and Wolverine hate. They'll love you for it. Not like they don't already, but as a Mary Sue, cover all your bases."
(Both stare at Kielle) This concludes your first session of Mary Sueing for Beginners. I hope everyone has learned a valuable lesson. (Even if it was something as simple as "Don't inhale white-out fumes as a child.")
T'jiri: Or as an adult.
Ahem: Due to...um...mental illness the part of Kitarra will be played by Kitarra. The real one. The curtain open on a dramatically small stage with a lone figure. Since there is no reference, she is of unknown height. There seems to be a muffled thumping coming from beneath the stage. The figure on it seems to be oblivious -- she is holding a piece of paper. Kitarra: *clearing her throat* Treatise on why I am not a Mary Sue by the REAL KITARRA. *she adjusts a suddenly-appearing pair of glasses* "You must have had either a perfectly normal life until manifestation (with the possible exception of having been a bit of a misfit, but apparently that's normal), or -- more commonly -- an incredibly and horrifically eventful one. In either case, it will have no discernible effect on your ability to deal with things." Kitarra: Well, being separated at birth from both parents and twin and being hunted by your own grandfather and everybody else in your family...seems perfectly normal to me! *she kicks the stage to punctuate the word normal, ignoring the muffled bang from below* "Remember, you don't need to worry about the previous relationships of the canon characters. They'll be only too happy to succumb to your wiles after a few swift kicks to the head." Kitarra: But...but...sleeping with canon characters is my hobby! "You want to sound cool, so try using a color, celestial body, or even animal as a first (and maybe even second!) name." Kitarra: Um...let's not go there. *Thump* "Be smart, be witty, and above all, talented. After all, no one likes a party pooper." Kitarra: How about catty, sarcastic and evil? That's fun! "When you first enter the scene you want to choose a foil, so find a sufficiently hated character and place him against yourself, therefor making you look bad and him look even worse." Kitarra: If I don't know the combatants I fight on the side of whomever looks like the most fun... *jumping up and down on the stage to muffle the sounds from below* Or the most fun in bed! "Distinguishing features are a must to make you stand out from your new teammates, so try to get a few nifty tattoos. If you can't afford them, take a kitchen knife and start slicing. Remember, scars are as good as birthmarks!" Kitarra: *looking down at her body and suddenly trying to cover up everything all at once* Next please... "Looking good is important. You might want to consider acquiring contacts and dying your hair (white is a favorite) before making the scene." Kitarra: Bloody sunset bloody red bloody hair. The least she could have done was make it dyable. But *her voice goes shrill* NOOOOOOOOOO it has to be bright bloody red and reject dye. Like I don't bloody glow when I bloody well walk in the room. White would bloody well be an improvement! "Learn to giggle and simper. Older males find it endearing." Kitarra: Oh, I can giggle. But it's not the kind of giggle that people find endearing. It's the kind of giggle they usually find on the other end of a really BIG knife. *giggle* "Learn martial arts, at least one musical instrument, and if possible a couple of foreign languages. The more special skills you have, the better!" Kitarra: Um...okay. No fair. I HAD to learn martial arts -- EVERYBODY was trying to KILL me. And being a few thousand years old you pick up a few things OK? *Glares meaningfully into the audience* I said: okay? Audience: Okay. *said in an uncomfortable unnaturally-loud manner of those that are threatened* "Get yourself a gimmick, like a piece of jewelry or an article of clothing you wear constantly. Oh yeah, avoid dresses. They're for sissies." Kitarra: *kicks the stage a few times for good measure* What was that about a Sailor fuku? "Animal friends are ALWAYS fun! Try a small dragon or a hawk for starters -- they're pretty, compact, loyal, and can rip out your opponent's eyes in .5 seconds." Kitarra: *looks around guility then breathes a sigh of releaf* Well, there are always cats. Cats are nice. "When shopping around for super powers, I suggest going for telepathy, elemental control, or shapeshifting. No one likes a girl who can beat up the team's heavy-hitters. It's unladylike." Kitarra: *tumbling around on the stage and doing a few high kicks* Yeah, but beating the crap out of their asses is much more fun. And a reason to slip into their bed when you heal their wounds. *long pause* And there is nothing whatsoever wrong with shapeshifting. "Include at least one trip to the mall in every story. Everyone loves to shop, especially if the cash is unlimited. Remember, Xavier and Frost are LOADED." Kitarra: Why shop when you can steal? "For a costume try a stylish little midriff number, in leather if possible. Or, if you're a Good Girl, try something pink and flowing. Huge boots and tight tops work well together." Kitarra: My body is a temple...everyone should worship at! "Be sure to include at least one scene in which you A) save a wounded squirrel, B) feed pigeons on french bread, C) help an old guy across the street, or D) all of the above." Kitarra: Um...okay, so I like animals. "You should have ridiculous amounts of power at your disposal. No one likes a partial transformer, or a weak telepath." Kitarra: Yeah ridiculous amounts of power. Yeah. *Imitating a villain* Ooooh I am so afraid. You are gonna teleport at me. Oooh. So scared. To another universe even. Oh-I-Am-So-Terrified. *End sarcasm* *She then takes out a very large sword and drives it through the stage* Oh...I can heal them. Isn't that great. I can beat the crap out of you and then I can heal you so that I can do it again...GREAAAAAAAAAAT. "You really should pick a big-brother figure in one of the team. If you play your cards right, it should be Gambit, and he should call you 'petite' often. Or, if you're feeling adventurous, try Wolverine! If things work out he can be your big-brother figure AND future lover!" Kitarra: Can I collect the whole set? "If you can make male characters fight for your affections, you know you're in the big leagues!" Kitarra: Does it count if I fight them? "If you're a little below average in the looks department, consider plastic surgery. Remember, the optimum bodytype is 'willowy.'" Kitarra: Well, it's hard to be willowy when you are LESS than five feet tall! "In Mary Sue-land no one ever has to put any amount of time into training for their skills. Bonus points if you use telepathy to learn all your arsekicking skills." Kitarra: I train VERY hard for my martial arts skill. I have spent THOUSANDS of years learning techniques. *crosses her arms indignantly* "With the proper teachers it should be NO problem to go from total newbie to Master Apprentice of the Secret Arts in the space of a few weeks. If you have to break a sweat you obviously aren't trying hard enough." Kitarra: *still huffing indignantly* See ABOVE. "Power is a state of mind. For instance, if you're ever caught in a deep Amazon rainforest, botanopathy is never out of your reach." Kitarra: Well, when you are running for your life you pick up a few things. Okay? "Any physical mutation will only serve to *enhance* your already intense personal beauty and charisma. Wings are always feathery and graceful, claws are always retractable and are unnoticeable, and so on and so forth." Kitarra: *sulkily* The ears are from my elven ancestry. They don't count. "No Mary Sue ever has to study to learn anything! Deep knowledge of hard subjects comes as naturally as breathing!" Kitarra: Um...yeah. That's what telepathy is for. Look around long enough and SOMEONE will know the answer. "Cash is NEVER an issue. Being independently wealthy is a must!" Kitarra: Live long enough and steal enough things and you get wealthy. *shrug* Law of the universe. "Quantum physics is a breeze: just use your subatomically-finely-honed telekinesis to grasp the difficult theory!" Kitarra: The only quantum physics I wanna know is how my quark is gonna meet up with his bozon! "It's always dramatic and endearing to FLING your innocent, beautiful self in front of various team members, deflecting fatal plasma blasts/bullets/oncoming semitrucks, even if your team members are invulnerable or otherwise protected!" Kitarra: Imortality has its advantages. And there are all those drama points... "Remember: though plasma blasts WILL bubble your skin, you will still leave a lovely tragic corpse with your glorious expressive eyes staring toward the sky!" Kitarra: I don't DO dead. Injured: sure. Unconscious: okay. But dead, no. "Important note -- no matter how innocent you are, a Mary Sue *always* knows just what to do in bed. And never has to worry about unwanted pregnancy, diseases, or anything *bad*!" Kitarra: Well, a girl's gotta have hobbies... "If your intentions are on the raunchy side, remember, just because someone's been shown as straight so far doesn't mean you can't secrete pheromones to make them change your mind!" Kitarra: Heterosexuality is just a frame of mind. And a highly overrated one at that. *long pause* And a temporary one at that if I have any say in the matter. "FRIENDS! Mary Sues always have a friend who, while not as clever or as resourceful as she, still fills a useful need now and again." Kitarra: That would mean that I would have to stay in one place long enough to develop friends, now doesn't it! *she twists the sword in the stage* "Be connected to as many people as you can think of: for example, think of the possibilities for angst when Riptide is your long-lost fourth cousin!" Kitarra: All my relatives are either dead, sulking, or evil...none of them are human! "When you're kidnapped by Sinister (and we're sure you will be, only to break free a few chapters later, of course!) make sure to include his Lab of Eeeeeville. Every good mad scientist needs a Lab of Eeeeeville. Kitarra: Doesn't EVERYONE? *looks around innocently* What? "And don't forget to be 'spunky' when confronted with a gloating Mr. Sinister. There is NO un-'spunky' Mary Sue. Don't spit in his face; that's unladylike. But always have a good reserve of great sarcastic insults that make Mr. Sinister nearly see the error of his ways." Kitarra: There is another "s" word I would use but spunky wouldn't be it. Sinister has a nice ass, you know. "A proper Mary Sue is the master of the comeback, and so persuasive that she can make even Apocalypse see the error of his ways." Kitarra: You would be amazed how persuasive a really large sword is. "Hardened killers with hundreds of kills to their credit need love too, and they'll always spare a Mary Sue." Kitarra: I AM the hardened killer. *Her glower turns into a mischievious smile* But I'll take the free love. "Try to score a journey into space as soon as possible. You'll make valuable connections, and maybe even take the a spaceship for a cruise! (But they pull to the left, so be careful when going into warp.)" Kitarra: Who needs spaceships when you can teleport? Faster and not quite as boring. "No matter HOW weird things get, a Mary Sue is never fazed." Kitarra: Let's see what fazes you after a few millennia! *snorts derisively* "Having an alien lover is a good idea, and often a rewarding experience. Sure, to them humans are freakish pink sacks of goo, but your unique beauty transcends species barriers!" Kitarra: Humans are the aliens to me. And while they may be pinkish sacks of goo, some of them are pinkish sacks of goo with nice asses. "Marriage and mental bonds are irrelevant for a Mary Sue (unless of course we don't LIKE Cyclops, in which case he will be constantly epoxied to Jean's side)." Kitarra: Well, she doesn't HAVE to know. Heck, HE doesn't have to know. "Remember the magic three: Summers, LeBeau, Lensherr. Any of these men are imminently relatable." Kitarra: Oh, you said RELATABLE... "You should have an explanation ready for any odd behavior, up to and including mass slaughter -- don't worry, the X-Men looove you. They'll listen!" Kitarra: Odd behaviors...? Oh, you mean the "acting normal" part...well, I can't be ON all the time. "If you're male, try to cultivate a Secret Past. That way Gambit and Wolverine will have someone to relate to." Kitarra: *looks down over her breasts and hips* Nothing male there. "If you're female, have a Secret Past anyway, with all the people Gambit and Wolverine hate. They'll love you for it. Not like they don't already, but as a Mary Sue, cover all your bases." Kitarra: Hey, some of my past is so secret *I* don't even know it. "This concludes your first session of Mary Sueing for Beginners. I hope everyone has learned a valuable lesson. (Even if it was something as simple as "Don't inhale white-out fumes as a child.") Kitarra: *pulls up a trap door in the stage and pulls out her writer, who has been bound, gagged, and beaten to a bloody pulp* Is that what happened to me? You were sniffing white-out? *She dumps her writer on the stage and looks out into the audience and takes a bow -- there is thunderous applause* Kitarra: So as you can see, dear audience, I am NOT a Mary Sue -- am I? *There is a loud raucous "NO" from the audience...some of it sounds like it's on the edge of panic* Kitarra: I thought you might see it my way. *She bows and leaves the stage, the lights coming on in the theater. Every audience member is strapped to a chair with a large nasty-looking knife hanging over them and an explosive charge under them...*
Re: How To Be A Mary Sue
ALARA: All right. Time to pony up. Let's see once and for all if you qualify. ADVICE: "You must have had either a perfectly normal life until manifestation (with the possible exception of having been a bit of a misfit, but apparently that's normal), or -- more commonly -- an incredibly and horrifically eventful one. In either case, it will have no discernible effect on your ability to deal with things."
MARGARET: Okay. You got me. ADVICE: "Remember, you don't need to worry about the previous relationships of the canon characters. They'll be only too happy to succumb to your wiles after a few swift kicks to the head."
MARGARET: I only wish. ADVICE: "You want to sound cool, so try using a color, celestial body, or even animal as a first (and maybe even second!) name."
MARGARET: Damn, missed that one. ADVICE: "Be smart, be witty, and above all, talented. After all, no one likes a party pooper."
MARGARET: I'm very talented. And smart. And witty. ADVICE: "When you first enter the scene you want to choose a foil, so find a sufficiently hated character and place him against yourself, therefor making you look bad and him look even worse."
MARGARET: Charles Xavier? ADVICE: "Distinguishing features are a must to make you stand out from your new teammates, so try to get a few nifty tattoos. If you can't afford them, take a kitchen knife and start slicing. Remember, scars are as good as birthmarks!"
MARGARET: I'm a shapeshifter whose normal form is a short redhead that looks like a cross between Mary Lou Retton and Gillian Anderson, but I choose to go around with gold skin and purple eyes. Does that count? ADVICE: "Looking good is important. You might want to consider acquiring contacts and dying your hair (white is a favorite) before making the scene." MARGARET: Who needs contacts and dye when you have total control of your own biological tissue? ADVICE: "Learn to giggle and simper. Older males find it endearing."
MARGARET: Um, no. Not even when I was a teenager. ADVICE: "Learn martial arts, at least one musical instrument, and if possible a couple of foreign languages. The more special skills you have, the better!"
MARGARET: Martial arts: check. Dance: check. Music: does singing count? I can't play any instruments. ADVICE: "Get yourself a gimmick, like a piece of jewelry or an article of clothing you wear constantly. Oh yeah, avoid dresses. They're for sissies."
MARGARET: And very drafty when you jump over people's heads and land behind them to grab their heads from behind and make them explode. ADVICE: "Animal friends are ALWAYS fun! Try a small dragon or a hawk for starters -- they're pretty, compact, loyal, and can rip out your opponent's eyes in .5 seconds."
MARGARET: Does my flying cat count? ADVICE: "When shopping around for super powers, I suggest going for telepathy, elemental control, or shapeshifting. No one likes a girl who can beat up the team's heavy-hitters. It's unladylike."
MARGARET: Got the shapeshifting, but I can still beat up everyone. ADVICE: "Include at least one trip to the mall in every story. Everyone loves to shop, especially if the cash is unlimited. Remember, Xavier and Frost are LOADED."
MARGARET: Does getting Magnus to take me out to dinner count? ADVICE: "For a costume try a stylish little midriff number, in leather if possible. Or, if you're a Good Girl, try something pink and flowing. Huge boots and tight tops work well together."
MARGARET: Um. Cotton bodysuit, exposes hands and feet, shifts to leather if I need the protection... Do I have a costume anymore? I was 16 when I wore that stuff. ADVICE: "Be sure to include at least one scene in which you A) save a wounded squirrel, B) feed pigeons on french bread, C) help an old guy across the street, or D) all of the above."
MARGARET: Would it count if I altered the wounded squirrel to be superhumanly fast? ADVICE: "You should have ridiculous amounts of power at your disposal. No one likes a partial transformer, or a weak telepath."
MARGARET: That's me all over. ADVICE: You really should pick a big-brother figure in one of the team. If you play your cards right, it should be Gambit, and he should call you "petite" often. Or, if you're feeling adventurous, try Wolverine! If things work out he can be your big-brother figure AND future lover!"
MARGARET: My big brother figure turned out to be gay. And he was never a member of any superteam. ADVICE: "If you can make male characters fight for your affections, you know you're in the big leagues!"
MARGARET: No one fights for my affections. They just try to kill me. ADVICE: "If you're a little below average in the looks department, consider plastic surgery. Remember, the optimum bodytype is 'willowy.'"
MARGARET: Screw that. The optimum body type is "Olympic gymnast." Short, no breasts, all muscle. ADVICE: "In Mary Sue-land no one ever has to put any amount of time into training for their skills. Bonus points if you use telepathy to learn all your arsekicking skills."
MARGARET: Welll...I didn't put a whole lot into learning how to fight, that's true. But I trained a fuck of a lot to do genetic manipulations and healing work. Fighting comes easy when you can kill with a touch; it's fixing things that's hard. ADVICE: "With the proper teachers it should be NO problem to go from total newbie to Master Apprentice of the Secret Arts in the space of a few weeks. If you have to break a sweat you obviously aren't trying hard enough." MARGARET: Again: fighting was easy. Learning to manipulate genomes and cure diseases took six years of apprenticeship with Sinister, and if you think that was a cakewalk, you got another think coming. ADVICE: "Power is a state of mind. For instance, if you're ever caught in a deep Amazon rainforest, botanopathy is never out of your reach."
MARGARET: At least, if you were smart enough to store a sample of a botanopath's tissue under your skin so that you can temporarily adopt the power...what the hell do I need to be a botanopath for? ADVICE: "Any physical mutation will only serve to enhance your already intense personal beauty and charisma. Wings are always feathery and graceful, claws are always retractable and are unnoticeable, and so on and so forth."
MARGARET: Gold skin and purple eyes always look irresistably cool. ADVICE: "No Mary Sue ever has to study to learn anything! Deep knowledge of hard subjects comes as naturally as breathing!" MARGARET: Nope. "Cash is NEVER an issue. Being independently wealthy is a must!"
MARGARET: Can I help it if all these fabulously rich idiots want me to cure their skin cancer, or whatever? ADVICE: "Quantum physics is a breeze: just use your subatomically-finely-honed telekinesis to grasp the difficult theory!"
MARGARET: I don't get quantum physics.
ADVICE: "It's always dramatic and endearing to FLING your innocent, beautiful self in front of various team members, deflecting fatal plasma blasts/bullets/oncoming semitrucks, even if your team members are invulnerable or otherwise protected!
MARGARET: Uh, no.
ADVICE: "Important note -- no matter how innocent you are, a Mary Sue always knows just what to do in bed. And never has to worry about unwanted pregnancy, diseases, or anything bad!
MARGARET: This is true. Being in total control of your own and other people's biology means never being a bad lay. Unless you want to be. ADVICE: "FRIENDS! Mary Sues always have a friend who, while not as clever or as resourceful as she, still fills a useful need now and again."
MARGARET: I have no friends. I have minions and allies, no friends. ADVICE: "Be connected to as many people as you can think of: for example, think of the possibilities for angst when Riptide is your long-lost fourth cousin!"
MARGARET: I'm not related to anybody. ADVICE: "When you're kidnaped by Sinister (and we're sure you will be, only to break free a few chapters later, of course!) make sure to include his Lab of Eeeeeville. Every good mad scientist needs a Lab of Eeeeeville. And don't forget to be 'spunky' when confronted with a gloating Mr. Sinister. There is NO un-'spunky' Mary Sue. Don't spit in his face; that's unladylike. But always have a good reserve of great sarcastic insults that make Mr. Sinister nearly see the error of his ways."
MARGARET: Well, I have plenty of sarcastic comments to make to Nat-- ADVICE: "A proper Mary Sue is the master of the comeback, and so persuasive that she can make even Apocalypse see the error of his ways."
MARGARET: The best I've done so far is blackmail the government into trying Chuckles for his crimes rather than disappearing him. ADVICE: "Hardened killers with hundreds of kills to their credit need love too, and they'll always spare a Mary Sue."
MARGARET: Generally because I can kill most of them before they could kill me, and they know it. ADVICE: "Try to score a journey into space as soon as possible. You'll make valuable connections, and maybe even take the a spaceship for a cruise! (But they pull to the left, so be careful when going into warp.)"
MARGARET: Does Attilan count? ADVICE: "No matter HOW weird things get, a Mary Sue is never fazed."
ALARA: So, were you fazed when Celia blew up your planet and you were flung through a temporal wormhole into an alternate past?
ADVICE: "Having an alien lover is a good idea, and often a rewarding experience. Sure, to them humans are freakish pink sacks of goo, but your unique beauty transcends species barriers!
MARGARET: Well, I've never had sex with an alien and I don't go for married men, and if I was related to Magnus it would be hard to get him into bed, wouldn't it? ADVICE: "You should have an explanation ready for any odd behavior, up to and including mass slaughter -- don't worry, the X-Men looove you. They'll listen!"
MARGARET: The X-Men never listen to me. Even when I do things like fix Xavier's spine, they think I have some evil ulterior motive.
ADVICE: "If you're male, try to cultivate a Secret Past. That way Gambit and Wolverine will have someone to relate to.
MARGARET: My code name is Dr. Mystery. Of course I have a secret past! Margaret Santoro and Alara Rogers (alara@mindspring.com)
Hey, this looks like fun... Some words of advice to the young Mary Sues:
Lynxius: (looks up annoyed) What the heck is this? "You must have had either a perfectly normal life until manifestation (with the possible exception of having been a bit of a misfit, but apparently that's normal), or -- more commonly -- an incredibly and horrifically eventful one. In either case, it will have no discernible effect on your ability to deal with things."
Lynxius: Uh...I commited suicide. This has to mean something. "Remember, you don't need to worry about the previous relationships of the canon characters. They'll be only too happy to succumb to your wiles after a few swift kicks to the head."
Morriden: As I recall, I was the one who got the swift kicks to the head. Or at least, I got the head injury. Same difference. "You want to sound cool, so try using a color, celestial body, or even animal as a first (and maybe even second!) name."
(both look at Lynxius) "Be smart, be witty, and above all, talented. After all, no one likes a party pooper."
Lynxius: Talented, talented. I'm very good with dissections and embalming. "When you first enter the scene you want to choose a foil, so find a sufficiently hated character and place him against yourself, therefor making you look bad and him look even worse." Morriden: I admit to nothing, nothing I say! "Distinguishing features are a must to make you stand out from your new teammates, so try to get a few nifty tattoos. If you can't afford them, take a kitchen knife and start slicing. Remember, scars are as good as birthmarks!"
Lynxius: Omega thingie on forehead. "Looking good is important. You might want to consider acquiring contacts and dying your hair (white is a favorite) before making the scene."
Lynxius: Yes, which is why we all make sure to use cover-girl makeup! "Learn to giggle and simper. Older males find it endearing."
Thomas: Thank you, but I don't want older males chasing after me "Learn martial arts, at least one musical instrument, and if possible a couple of foreign languages. The more special skills you have, the better!"
Lynxius: I'm three thousand years old, cut me some slack. "Get yourself a gimmick, like a piece of jewelry or an article of clothing you wear constantly. Oh yeah, avoid dresses. They're for sissies."
Lynxius: (on his chair) They are not! "Animal friends are ALWAYS fun! Try a small dragon or a hawk for starters -- they're pretty, compact, loyal, and can rip out your opponent's eyes in .5 seconds."
*looks at Thomas* "When shopping around for super powers, I suggest going for telepathy, elemental control, or shape shifting. No one likes a girl who can beat up the team's heavy-hitters. It's unladylike."
Lynxius: It just does Not Do to be unladylike. "Include at least one trip to the mall in every story. Everyone loves to shop, especially if the cash is unlimited. Remember, Xavier and Frost are LOADED."
Thomas: Yay, now, if I can convince them to let me use any of it. "For a costume try a stylish little midriff number, in leather if possible. Or, if you're a Good Girl, try something pink and flowing. Huge boots and tight tops work well together."
Morriden: T-shirt and track pants, that's my uniform. "Be sure to include at least one scene in which you A) save a wounded squirrel, B) feed pigeons on french bread, C) help an old guy across the street, or D) all of the above."
Morriden: What was it a wise woman once said? If you keep feeding the pigeons, all you're going to get is fat pigeons. "You should have ridiculous amounts of power at your disposal. No one likes a partial transformer, or a weak telepath."
Morriden: Fear me, or I will show up behind you at embarrassing times! "You really should pick a big-brother figure in one of the team. If you play your cards right, it should be Gambit, and he should call you 'petite' often. Or, if you're feeling adventurous, try Wolverine! If things work out he can be your big-brother figure AND future lover!"
Thomas: I have big brothers...annoying as hell. And Wolverine is not to my taste. "If you can make male characters fight for your affections, you know you're in the big leagues!"
Thomas: You know, this is the trouble with looking over a list meant for WOMEN. "If you're a little below average in the looks department, consider plastic surgery. Remember, the optimum bodytype is 'willowy.'"
Thomas: Scrawny. "In Mary Sue-land no one ever has to put any amount of time into training for their skills. Bonus points if you use telepathy to learn all your arsekicking skills."
Thomas: I put several hundred years into mine. I still suck at it. "With the proper teachers it should be NO problem to go from total newbie to Master Apprentice of the Secret Arts in the space of a few weeks. If you have to break a sweat you obviously aren't trying hard enough."
Lynxius: ...sweat? "Power is a state of mind. For instance, if you're ever caught in a deep Amazon rainforest, botanopathy is never out of your reach."
Morriden: Not to mention, trees are such conversationalists. "Any physical mutation will only serve to *enhance* your already intense personal beauty and charisma. Wings are always feathery and graceful, claws are always retractable and are unnoticeable, and so on and so forth."
Morriden: Cool! We have natural beauty! "No Mary Sue ever has to study to learn anything! Deep knowledge of hard subjects comes as naturally as breathing!"
Thomas: My math skills are the only side benefit of my powers. Leave me be. "Cash is NEVER an issue. Being independently wealthy is a must!"
Lynxius: Yes, yes it is. Pity I never thought of saving anything! "Quantum physics is a breeze: just use your subatomically-finely-honed telekinesis to grasp the difficult theory!"
Morriden: Does this mean I can skip those classes? "It's always dramatic and endearing to FLING your innocent, beautiful self in front of various team members, deflecting fatal plasma blasts/bullets/oncoming semitrucks, even if your team members are invulnerable or otherwise protected!"
Lynxius: Endearing? "Remember: though plasma blasts WILL bubble your skin, you will still leave a lovely tragic corpse with your glorious expressive eyes staring toward the sky!"
Lynxius: And I will be there to charge you for the coffin and funeral services. "Important note -- no matter how innocent you are, a Mary Sue *always* knows just what to do in bed. And never has to worry about unwanted pregnancy, diseases, or anything *bad*!"
Lynxius: Eeew. Sex. Icky "If your intentions are on the raunchy side, remember, just because someone's been shown as straight so far doesn't mean you can't secrete pheromones to make them change your mind!"
Lynxius: Secrete...pheromones? "FRIENDS! Mary Sues always have a friend who, while not as clever or as resourceful as she, still fills a useful need now and again."
Thomas: Nope. "Be connected to as many people as you can think of: for example, think of the possibilities for angst when Riptide is your long-lost fourth cousin!"
Thomas: *sings "I Think I'm A Clone Now"* "When you're kidnaped by Sinister (and we're sure you will be, only to break free a few chapters later, of course!) make sure to include his Lab of Eeeeeville. Every good mad scientist needs a Lab of Eeeeeville. And don't forget to be 'spunky' when confronted with a gloating Mr. Sinister. There is NO un-'spunky' Mary Sue. Don't spit in his face; that's unladylike. But always have a good reserve of great sarcastic insults that make Mr. Sinister nearly see the error of his ways."
Thomas: I don't DO spunky. "A proper Mary Sue is the master of the comeback, and so persuasive that she can make even Apocalypse see the error of his ways."
Lynxius: Culling is like so wrong, you know. "Hardened killers with hundreds of kills to their credit need love too, and they'll always spare a Mary Sue." Lynxius: That or laugh hysterically right before blowing her head off. "Try to score a journey into space as soon as possible. You'll make valuable connections, and maybe even take the a spaceship for a cruise! (But they pull to the left, so be careful when going into warp.)"
Morriden: To go where no mutant, zombie, or whatever has gone before! "No matter HOW weird things get, a Mary Sue is never fazed."
Morriden: Lessee: I faint, I throw up, I get panic attacks, I get badly beaten... "Having an alien lover is a good idea, and often a rewarding experience. Sure, to them humans are freakish pink sacks of goo, but your unique beauty transcends species barriers!"
Lynxius: Unique. Yes, that would be the right word for us. "Marriage and mental bonds are irrelevant for a Mary Sue (unless of course we don't LIKE Cyclops, in which case he will be constantly epoxied to Jean's side)."
Thomas: Yeah, Cyclops is the true focus of my unbridled passion. "Remember the magic three: Summers, LeBeau, Lensherr. Any of these men are imminently relatable."
Thomas: No, my family is big enough. I don't want to add them to it. "You should have an explanation ready for any odd behavior, up to and including mass slaughter -- don't worry, the X-Men looove you. They'll listen!"
Thomas: The voices told me to do it. "If you're male, try to cultivate a Secret Past. That way Gambit and Wolverine will have someone to relate to."
Thomas: Ask, I'll tell you what I remember. You may not like it... "If you're female, have a Secret Past anyway, with all the people Gambit and Wolverine hate. They'll love you for it. Not like they don't already, but as a Mary Sue, cover all your bases."
Thomas: Why does that last line seem so dirty? "This concludes your first session of Mary Sueing for Beginners. I hope everyone has learned a valuable lesson. (Even if it was something as simple as "Don't inhale white-out fumes as a child.")
Thomas: Yes, inhale highlighter fumes instead. Rosencrantz (the_mordant_one@hotmail.com)
I'm too curious not to... *Sit's at the computer with Loki looking over one shoulder, Circe over the other.*
Kitsune: (To Loki) You know, I always used to think you were a Mary Sue, but now I'm not so sure. "You must have had either a perfectly normal life until manifestation (with the possible exception of having been a bit of a misfit, but apparently that's normal) , or -- more commonly -- an incredibly and horrifically eventful one. In either case, it will have no discernible effect on your ability to deal with things."
Circe: Hah! Neither. I had a relatively normal life with a few ups and downs and one psycho-obsessive "Remember, you don't need to worry about the previous relationships of the canon characters. They'll be only too happy to succumb to your wiles after a few swift kicks to the head."
Circe: Hmph. I never had to kick him in the head. Besides, he wasn't involved at the time, so it didn't matter. "You want to sound cool, so try using a color, celestial body, or even animal as a first (and maybe even second!) name."
Kitsune: Um...I think the name of a Norse god or mythical Greek sorceress probably counts. "Be smart, be witty, and above all, talented. After all, no one likes a party-pooper."
Kitsune: (Looking at her companions) Well? "When you first enter the scene you want to choose a foil, so find a sufficiently hated character and place him against yourself, therefor making you look bad and him look even worse."
Loki: My foil was an original character. And it was only because of sexual tension. "Distinguishing features are a must to make you stand out from your new teammates, so try to get a few nifty tattoos. If you can't afford them, take a kitchen knife and start slicing. Remember, scars are as good as birthmarks!"
Circe: (Wails) But I only have one tattoo. And it's well hidden... "Looking good is important. You might want to consider acquiring contacts and dying your hair (white is a favorite) before making the scene."
Kitsune: (Eyeing both of them) Well, Circe, your hair definitely counts. "Learn to giggle and simper. Older males find it endearing." All Three: Um...no. "Learn martial arts, at least one musical instrument, and if possible a couple of foreign languages. The more special skills you have, the better!"
Circe: But a woman needs to know kung fu these days. How else am I supposed to protect myself? "Get yourself a gimmick, like a piece of jewelry or an article of clothing you wear constantly. Oh yeah, avoid dresses. They're for sissies."
Circe: (Looking a Loki) Piercings. "Animal friends are ALWAYS fun! Try a small dragon or a hawk for starters -- they're pretty, compact, loyal, and can rip out your opponent's eyes in .5 seconds."
Circe: Hmm...well I had a bunny, but he stayed in his cage and ate and pooped most of the time. "When shopping around for super powers, I suggest going for telepathy, elemental control, or shapeshifting. No one likes a girl who can beat up the team's heavy-hitters. It's unladylike."
Circe: Isn't it good if you're not incredibly powerful. I mean, empathy isn't all that useful. "Include at least one trip to the mall in every story. Everyone loves to shop, especially if the cash is unlimited. Remember, Xavier and Frost are LOADED."
Loki: I hate shopping. "For a costume try a stylish little midriff number, in leather if possible. Or, if you're a Good Girl, try something pink and flowing. Huge boots and tight tops work well together."
Loki: I don't have a costume. "Be sure to include at least one scene in which you A) save a wounded squirrel, B) feed pigeons on french bread, C) help an old guy across the street, or D) all of the above."
Loki: None of those would ever happen. I'm a selfish bastard and proud of it. "You should have ridiculous amounts of power at your disposal. No one likes a partial transformer, or a weak telepath."
Circe: (Looking a Loki) Ahem. You really should pick a big-brother figure in one of the team. If you play your cards right, it should be Gambit, and he should call you 'petite' often. Or, if you're feeling adventurous, try Wolverine! If things work out he can be your big-brother figure AND future lover!"
Loki: Ugh. Don't make me ill. "If you can make male characters fight for your affections, you know you're in the big leagues!"
Loki: (Looking at Circe with a smirk) Heh. "If you're a little below average in the looks department, consider plastic surgery. Remember, the optimum bodytype is 'willowy.'"
Loki: Does "wiry" count? "In Mary Sue-land no one ever has to put any amount of time into training for their skills. Bonus points if you use telepathy to learn all your arsekicking skills."
Circe: Hah, I trained for that kung fu for eight years. I'm off the hook. "With the proper teachers it should be NO problem to go from total newbie to Master Apprentice of the Secret Arts in the space of a few weeks. If you have to break a sweat you obviously aren't trying hard enough." Kitsune: Well, that one doesn't apply. "Power is a state of mind. For instance, if you're ever caught in a deep Amazon rainforest, botanopathy is never out of your reach."
Circe: (Teasing) Isn't that what Coyote's always telling you, Loki? "Any physical mutation will only serve to *enhance* your already intense personal beauty and charisma. Wings are always feathery and graceful, claws are always retractable and are unnoticeable, and so on and so forth."
Loki: Being an elf is not a mutation! It's normal in my world. "No Mary Sue ever has to study to learn anything! Deep knowledge of hard subjects comes as naturally as breathing!" Circe: Um...I thought we already went over this one. "Cash is NEVER an issue. Being independently wealthy is a must!"
Loki: I'm so broke I have to resort to theft half the time. "Quantum physics is a breeze: just use your subatomically-finely-honed telekinesis to grasp the difficult theory!"
Loki: No telekinesis. I studied. "It's always dramatic and endearing to FLING your innocent, beautiful self in front of various team members, deflecting fatal plasma blasts/bullets/oncoming semitrucks, even if your team members are invulnerable or otherwise protected!"
(Kitsune and Circe look at Loki) "Remember: though plasma blasts WILL bubble your skin, you will still leave a lovely tragic corpse with your glorious expressive eyes staring toward the sky!" Kitsune: Well, no tragic deaths so far. "Important note -- no matter how innocent you are, a Mary Sue *always* knows just what to do in bed. And never has to worry about unwanted pregnancy, diseases, or anything *bad*!" Kitsune: Um well. At least neither of you pretended to be innocent. "If your intentions are on the raunchy side, remember, just because someone's been shown as straight so far doesn't mean you can't secrete pheromones to make them change your mind!"
Circe: That is so not what I'm into. "FRIENDS! Mary Sues always have a friend who, while not as clever or as resourceful as she, still fills a useful need now and again."
Circe: Actually I didn't have many friends. "Be connected to as many people as you can think of: for example, think of the possibilities for angst when Riptide is your long-lost fourth cousin!"
Loki: I don't have any living relations that I know of.
"When you're kidnaped by Sinister (and we're sure you will be, only to break free a few chapters later, of course!) make sure to include his Lab of Eeeeeville. Every good mad scientist needs a Lab of Eeeeeville. And don't forget to be 'spunky' when confronted with a gloating Mr. Sinister. There is NO un-'spunky' Mary Sue.
Circe: Who's Sinister? "A proper Mary Sue is the master of the comeback, and so persuasive that she can make even Apocalypse see the error of his ways."
Loki: Who's Apocalypse? "Hardened killers with hundreds of kills to their credit need love too, and they'll always spare a Mary Sue."
Loki: The only hardend killers I've met are more interested in waxing me than talking. "Try to score a journey into space as soon as possible. You'll make valuable connections, and maybe even take the a spaceship for a cruise! (But they pull to the left, so be careful when going into warp) "
Circe: God! I can't even fathom getting on a spaceship! They're so small. "No matter HOW weird things get, a Mary Sue is never fazed."
Circe: And once again we're back to Loki. "Having an alien lover is a good idea, and often a rewarding experience. Sure, to them humans are freakish pink sacks of goo, but your unique beauty transcends species barriers!"
Circe: I'll stick to human and mutant lovers, thanks. "Marriage and mental bonds are irrelevant for a Mary Sue (unless of course we don't LIKE Cyclops, in which case he will be constantly epoxied to Jean's side) ."
Circe: I've never dated someone who was involved with another person. I won't even flirt with them. "Remember the magic three: Summers, LeBeau, Lensherr. Any of these men are imminently relatable." Kitsune: I just don't see the point in making a character a long-lost relative. It limits story possibilities. "You should have an explanation ready for any odd behavior, up to and including mass slaughter -- don't worry, the X-Men looove you. They'll listen!"
Circe: But I'm manic-depressive! I didn't ask for that. Besides, I've never intentionally hurt anyone. "If you're male, try to cultivate a Secret Past. That way Gambit and Wolverine will have someone to relate to."
Loki: No secret past. I'm pretty open about myself. "If you're female, have a Secret Past anyway, with all the people Gambit and Wolverine hate. They'll love you for it. Not like they don't already, but as a Mary Sue, cover all your bases." Circe: I don't have a secret past either. I had a pretty normal past. "This concludes your first session of Mary Sueing for Beginners. I hope everyone has learned a valuable lesson. (Even if it was something as simple as 'Don't inhale white-out fumes as a child.')"
Loki: Doing that's bad for you? Kitsune (siennavixen@hotmail.com)
Re: How To Be A Mary Sue
Paul: What do you think you're doing with my computer?
"Some words of advice to the young Mary Sues:
Ray: I'd point out that I used to be twenty-two years old, and got rolled back to the middle of puberty, but since I can't go five minutes without angsting, so I guess that would be a discernible effect on dealing with things. "Remember, you don't need to worry about the previous relationships of the canon characters. They'll be only too happy to succumb to your wiles after a few swift kicks to the head."
Paul: HEY! Wonder Girl didn't have any previous relationship. "When you first enter the scene you want to choose a foil, so find a sufficiently hated character and place him against yourself, therefor making you look bad and him look even worse."
Ray: Well... "Learn to giggle and simper. Older males find it endearing."
Paul: I'll kill you myself the day you simper. "Learn martial arts, at least one musical instrument, and if possible a couple of foreign languages. The more special skills you have, the better!"
Ray: Let's see. Two martial arts, three languages-- "When shopping around for super powers, I suggest going for telepathy, elemental control, or shapeshifting. No one likes a girl who can beat up the team's heavy-hitters. It's unladylike."
Ray: I don't have any superpowers! Someone took them away! *Death glare* "You should have ridiculous amounts of power at your disposal. No one likes a partial transformer, or a weak telepath." |