Once upon a time, there was a pretty little girl called Salli. She had beautiful long blonde curls, perfect big blue puppy-dog eyes, sweet cherry-red lips and dazzling white teeth. She had lived in a cottage all by herself.

Just after Salli's 17th birthday, she received a beautiful letter in a golden envelope. The letter read:

Dear my darling Salli,

This is your father writing. Sorry that I abandoned you at birth but please try to forgive me. Your mother passed away shortly after you were born as I am sure you know. It was just to hard for me to live without her in my life. You must forgive me Salli. But now I have a proposal to make to you. I live in a faraway kingdom and I feel I have found the perfect husband for you. His name is Prince Gyles. I am sure you will be very happy together, forever.

Signed, Daddy Dearest

Salli clutched the letter close to her heart and began to skip and dance around the room. At last -- a letter from her beloved father! She was so pleased to finally hear from him, to know he was still safe and well. Even if he did abandon her at birth and was a mean and nasty bastard, it was in her nature to love every living creature. And at that she broke into song. Her voice was so sweet and beautiful that not even the birds could match it.

Salli began to pack herself a basket of food to take with her while she did her whole general skipping-through-the-forest scene like every Mary-Sue should do. Then, she got dressed into a beautiful golden gown, covered in sapphires and rubies (brought from the money she had earned by screwing Farmer Brown) and dainty little silver shoes to go with it. The outfit wasn't particually suitable for skipping througth the forest in, but beauty does cost. And, if the outfit did get ripped she could always offer her "services" out once again.

Salli's journey througth the forest was a jolly spithing one if I do say so myself. She stopped to chat with the cute little children, playing in the forest clearing with their skipping rope. Then, she stopped to talk to a couple of birds, looking for berries. Then the men in white coats tried to lock her up for talking to the birds but that was all right in the end because she screwed the hell out of them and they decided to let her free.

At last she arrived at the faraway kingdom. It doesn't have a name. I couldn't be bothered to think of one. Hey, I am the writer here not you! Anyway, she searched high and low for her daddy dearest, but, alas, she could not find him! She sat herself down by a fountain to sob.

"Woe is me!" she wailed, in an abnormally graceful way for somebody who is wailing. "I will never find my mean bastard-and-a-half of a daddy dearest. Woe is me!"

Her mournful wailing was heard by a handsome stranger. A man so perfect he himself would make a wonderful Marty-Stu. A man who Salli knew little of but longed to be held in his arms. A man so...okay, so Prince Gyles heard it. It was pretty obvious, wasn't it? But then again, this is the Mary-Sue show. It is supposed to be.

Gyles made his way over to the whore...I mean, Salli. He slid himself beside her and put one arm around her back. "Dearest maiden fair!" he began, in that yucky fairytale style that most princes do. "Why do you cry so? Have you not got a good man to screw? Would I do? I would pay in cash, of course."

"Well, that would be nice..." Salli began, drying her eyes with a pink silk hankie. "But I must find my daddy dearest. I am to be married to Prince Gyles soon and only he knows where he is..." (YAWN!)

"Don't worry, sweet maiden," Prince Gyles replied. "For I am the Prince Gyles you seek! But, in true Marty-Stu and Mary-Sue style, I bring you bad news."

"Oh no!" wailed Salli. "My dearest father is not dead, is he?"

"Of course he is, you moron!" yelled a passerby. "He took a heroin overdose. And, by the way, you've got no time to have a dramatic sulking scene about it. You have to save the world." And, behold, there is a comet heading straight for Earth. Now, isn't that a surprise ladies and gentlemen? (Not.)

"Don't worry, villagers!" Salli stood up and held a dramatic pose. "For I shall save you!"

"Baa!" said a nearby sheep.

Salli ran to the top of a nearby castle as fast as her long, perfectly smooth and wonderfully formed legs could carry her. When she reached the top, she found a machine to stop the comet conveniently lying about. And, also very handy, she knew just how to work it and, surprise surprise, those smarty-pants at NASA didn't. With a flick of a switch and a pull of a lever, the comet flew back in the other direction.

"Baa!" the sheep said again.

"That's not how the story ends!" Salli sobbed. "I'm supposed to have a dramatic death scene, in which everybody cries at my death and I have a lovely long speech which everybody enjoys listening to. Then, you are supposed to give me a beautiful funeral, with the standard glass coffin. And a bunch of roses. And..."

And the villagers pushed her out the window.

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