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By Konitsu The Lady Fate
Once upon a time, there was a very, very, beautiful-beyond-belief girl. Her hair was silken raven black and her eyes were a dazzling, brilliant blue. Her name was Sakura, because the writer had five minutes to come up with a name and Sakura sounds pretty, do not question the pretty-ness of Sakura. Sakura was super-lingual -- she could speak every language in the world correctly, including Latin and the long-lost language of the Atlantians. Sakura could cook, clean, and baby-sit, but she could also play sports and race. In fact, she cooked better than Makato, was a better priestess than Rei, was more innocent and friendly than Usagi, smarter than Ami, played volleyball better than Minako, raced better than Haruka, was more musically inclined than Michiru, had more spiffy powers than Hotaru, was more mature than Setsuna, and cared more about loved ones than Mamoru. She was way better than Chibi-Usa and Rei, because the author doesn't like them, so they will automatically become Sakura's worst enemies. Sakura's mother had been a Sailor Senshi, awakened for no apparent reason other than she felt like it, and before dying a tragic death she had instructed the young Sakura to take the Gem Of Perfectness and train to become... SAILOR MARY-SUE! Sakura moved to Juuban, because that's where everyone moves; well, she moved to Juuban from America, and she knew PERFECT ENGLISH, because of course she was super-lingual. She happened to get into Usagi's class, because no one else's class gets new students, and even though this is high school and no one is ever introduced and the new students are left to fend for themselves against the evils of education, she stood up in front of the class. "My name is Sakura Jones. My mother was American, and my father was Japanese. I like to act and play on the computer." No one seemed to notice that these were the authors pastimes, but anyway, every one fell in love with Sakura. The girls wanted to be her and the guys wanted to date her, because of course, everyone is straight, even Haruka and Michiru, because the author is a narrow-minded jerk who SAID SO! The teacher, who even though it must be at least four years after the first season, was Haruna-sensai, said: "Please sit next to Usagi, the blonde one who is sleeping." The author took into no accord that this is not how high school is run, students just choose their seats, but the author is American, so they're taking liberties and saying that this is how Japanese schools are, even though they're all wearing their shoes and don't have school on Saturday. Haruna-sensai said the class was going to take a test. She asked in Sakura would like to take the test. Sakura said yes. Sakura aced the test. The author was murdered by her English teacher. The English teacher did not like the author's choppy sentences. The author's first language is probably English. Polish three-year-olds who know three words in English and keep putting "Usta" in random intervals could write better stories than the author -- but let's get back to Sakura. During recess, Usagi went to talk to Sakura and invited her to eat with them, Sakura accepted in a VERY polite way that made everybody love her immediately and want to be her friend, even though they hadn't spoken more than three words to her. Sakura could hold conversations with Usagi, Minako, Makato, Ami, and Rei, who just happened to be there during lunch, all at the same time and at the same intellutual level as the person she was talking to. And the author has graduated from choppy sentences to run-on sentences. "Tell us about yourself!" Minako bubbled, because the author SAID SO! "Well, I'm adopted, because until I was ten my father beat me, but I saved my sister, and we were separated by the adoption agency. I stopped a criminal from breaking into the orphanage, so I was adopted by a blindingly rich women who gave me her last name. The--" A random evil villain who was more powerful than all evil villains appeared before them; he had red eyes and brown hair, because brown is drab and only evil people have red eyes, so of course he had to have red eyes. Let's call him, um, five-minute-name rule...Obsidian! Even though this has no relevancy even with the first-season generals because it doesn't end in "ite," let's pretend it's the reincarnated form of Jedite...even though he has blonde hair and un-red eyes...uh, he got a makeover, kay? 'Cause he was feeling a little vengeful and decided to wake up from this whole eternal-sleep completely-unbreakable spell. Dead Berly was currently mumbling about her "Damn froudy warranty." The scouts, even though this is a a fanfiction using Japanese names and therefore it would be senshi, all transformed no regard for the others in the school yard, and no one noticed them transforming either, except Sakura, who had used her magical perfect powers to tell that they were the "scouts" already. She ducked into an alley to transform MARY SUE PERFECTION GEM POWER! MARK UP! The others had no regard for proper transformation phrases, either. And even though Jedite had been defeated in the first season by only three of the "scouts" rather easily, he was giving all nine of them a hard time. (The outers had just decided to show up and Kamen was nowhere in sight -- he fell into a plothole.) Sailor Mary-Sue appeared. She was just as beautiful as Sakura, with a pretty baby-pink collar, bows, and boots, and baby-blue everything else. She had wings too, for no apparent reason except she likes wings. Seeing Sailor Moon in trouble, Sailor Mary-Sue gasped and performed her ultimate attack: PRETTY BEAUTIFUL PERFECT GEM KILLING BAD GUY-NESS! SMASH! She threw herself at Obsidi...Jedite, whatever the hell his name is, turning into a bright blue and pink flash. Jedite died and Sailor Mary-Sue fell dead and untransformed to the ground. But she wasn't dead, and she had just enough time to tell Rei that she was her sister, but Rei spit on her and said she hated her for being so perfect, so the "scouts" kicked out Rei, than mourned for Sakura.
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