_Mystery Elfquest Theater Five-Six-Seven Eights_
So now, after much delay, comes the unlucky 13th episode in the series,
namely:
Show \115: "The Secret of the Mad High Ones"
Since it's been so long since the previous episode, however, let's take a
few minutes to review the situation by means of this little pop quiz:
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USE A #2 PENCIL ONLY -- YOU HAVE 30 MINUTES TO COMPLETE THIS TEST
1. The title of this fanfic series is:
a) Mystery Elfquest Theater Five-Six-Seven Eights
b) Misery Inquest-- Teaching Physics Serenades
c) Scooby Doo and the Mystery Machine
d) Ethel the Aardvark Goes Quantity Surveying
2. The basic purpose of this series is to:
a) Waste as much disk space and bandwidth as possible
b) Annoy EQUEST-L listmembers with posts which are over 30k in length
c) Make Richard Pini wish he had never supported these discussion
groups in the first place
d) All of the above
3. According to this fanfic series, who was really responsible for devising
the basic Elfquest story?
a) Two Earth-humans who live in Poughkeepsie, New York
b) Two High Ones who live on the World of Two Moons
c) Some guy from Iowa
d) It was all Cutter's idea, really.
4. The two main characters of this series are known collectively as the
Mad High Ones. What are they known as individually?
a) Dr. Claytimmain and Open Sending's Frank
b) Fargo North, Decoder and Crank
c) Pinky and the Brain
d) Pink Lady and Jeff
5. Where do the Mad High Ones live?
a) In a modest bungalow outside Peoria
b) In Blue Mountain
c) In the Palace
d) In a tree where they bake cookies to sell to Earth-humans
6. Unlike most elves, the Mad High Ones have displayed a talent for
inventing things. What invention have they been working on for the
last couple of episodes?
a) Instant pudding
b) Sneakers with a built-in air pump
c) Wrapstuff packaged in convenient aerosol cans
d) Shoulder Pork and Ham Processed Luncheon Meat
7. In the previous episode, the Mad High Ones played a game with Two-Edge
and lost. What was the game they played?
a) Chess
b) Toss-stone
c) Twister
d) Hungry Hungry Hippos
8. Thanks to the Mad High Ones, the spirit of the female Door has been "out"
for quite a while. She adopted a name for her freed spirit, which has
often been abbreviated in this series as "VoM." What does "VoM" stand
for?
a) Volt-Ohm Meter
b) Voice of Music
c) Voice of Magic
d) Violet-Orange-Magenta
PLEASE STOP NOW. PUT YOUR PENCILS DOWN.
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As usual, previous episodes of Mystery Elfquest Theater are available
for anonymous ftp at ftp.lupine.com, or by email request to me at
mkuhn@bolivar.cs.uiowa.edu Comments, complaints, etc. welcome!
See you in x^2 + y^2 = 1 !
--Marty
============================= cut here 8<=====================================
[header still-frame is shown; voice over by video editor guy]
VO: Mystery Elfquest Theater Five-Six-Seven Eights, Show eight-eights,
eight and five, Reeeeeel one!
[begin opening theme sequence]
In the not too distant future,
Next moon cycle A.D.,
The Sunfolk and the Wolfriders
Knew that they still weren't really free.
So Cutter hatched a plan that he knew was right--
"We've got to find other elf tribes and unite!
If we all work together we can keep our place,
It's the only way that we might preserve our race!"
"This dangerous Quest is mine alone;
You others must remain here!" (la-la-la)
But Skywise followed Cutter anyway,
To help his friend in times of fear. (la-la-la)
Now keep in mind they couldn't control
Exactly what they were to find, (la-la-la)
But what they found exceeded all belief--
Are all elves truly one heart and mind?
Wolfrider Roll Call!
Cutter! ("Kinseeker!")
Nightfall! ("the sword and arrow!")
Strongbow! (**Keeper of The Way!**)
Leetah! ("hands of healing!")
One-Eye! ("Show yourself!")
Dewshine! ("I'm not ready!")
Treestump! ("Hello there!")
Scouter! ("That's one 'O'!")
Ember! ("born leader!")
Redlance! ("the tree and flower!")
Moonshade! ("always loyal!")
Skywise! ("that's *my* lodestone!")
Clearbrook! ("what haircut?")
Suntop! ("I'm going out!")
Piiiiiike! ("What, who's *Vaya*?")
If you're wondering how they eat and breathe,
And other elfin facts, (la-la-la)
Just repeat to yourself "It'll all come clear--
This is the story that never lacks!"
On Mystery Elfquest Theater Five-Six-Seven Eights!
[end opening theme sequence]
[long pull back through a network of tunnels or something; looks sort of
like a hollow tree-- pull back is punctuated by various mechanical sounds
and chimes; pull back ends with the Wolfriders gathered together within
Blue Mountain near the main entrance; Strongbow and Moonshade have recently
left through Door.]
TREESTUMP: Aye! Let Strongbow and Moonshade cool off in the woods a while!
They'll be all right-- and so will *we*-- soon as I get my *axe* back!
PIKE: And my *spear*!
[Suddenly a profound and paternal sending enfolds Cutter and his band.
Well, actually, it's just the Mad High Ones-- as indicated by the familiar
sending-star symbol which starts flashing in the corner of the scene.]
CUTTER: Too bad we can't just trade the Mad High Ones for those things...
[big grin] [Cutter slaps a nearby stone wall at random]
[Scene switches to Deep Eight-and-Five. Dr. Claytimmain and Open
Sending's Frank are visible. Frank appears to be just now entering
the scene, and is carrying something which looks like some sort
of electronic testing apparatus from Earth (circa 1950's).]
DR. C: Greetings, pack omegas! I see your archer-friend got a bit tired
of all the hospitality here. Well, I can't exactly say I *blame* him...
[grin] Oh, and Pike? Don't worry-- I'm sure you'll be able to get your
spear back soon... [Frank starts to fidget slightly]
[Scene switches to the Wolfriders]
PIKE: I do hope that never happens again-- I don't know *where* I'd
be without my spear!
VOICE OF MAGIC: Pike? It's interesting that you should say that, for
Frank and I sort of helped a few of your tribesmates put together a
little sending scene which relates to that very topic.
SKYWISE: You see, after watching those "coh-mer-shelz"-stories that
Frank and Dr. Claytimmain showed us for that invention of theirs,
I thought it might be fun if we could make up something like that
of our own. Frank helped us come up with some ideas, and he and
Voice of Magic "recorded" it!
VoM: Commercial Sign in 5... 4... 3... 2... 1. Commercial Sign now.
[Scene goes to black for a second, then switches to a moon-lit forest
setting. An elf is carrying a spear and is apparently stalking a
branch-horn. The elf looks like a Wolfrider, though not specifically
like anyone we know. A few seconds pass silently as the elf studies his
quarry in the distance...]
[The elf throws the spear at the animal; the spear misses and ends up in a
thick cluster of thorny brush. It is obvious that retrieving the spear
will not be an easy task-- the elf looks rather upset.]
LOUD OBNOXIOUS VOICE-OVER: Are you tired of spending an entire evening
making a spear just to have it get lost or broken?
[The elf nods his head "yes."]
VO: Are you tired of spears that end up crooked or unbalanced, rendering
them impossible to use?
[The elf nods his head "yes" again.]
VO: Well, those days are over with new Spear-O-Matic! By Frank!
[A bizarre-looking device instantly appears (in a big flash of light) next
to the elf-- it looks like a big metal box with a large slot on the front,
a smaller opening on top, and a few levers of indecipherable purpose. The
elf's eyes go wide in surprise.]
VO: Yes, the new Spear-O-Matic by Frank takes any ordinary tree branch and
automatically makes it into a spear-- almost *instantly*! It's so easy
to use, too! Just insert a tree branch into the slot [the elf does so]
and Spear-O-Matic quickly carves it into a perfectly balanced form!
[loud grinding noises are heard; sawdust is flying out of the back of
the Spear-O-Matic]
VO: Place an ordinary chunk of flint into the exclusive Spearhead Knap-Time
receptacle [the elf does so; louder grinding noises are heard], and the
Spear-O-Matic will cut a perfectly matching spear head! Spear-O-Matic
will even attach the finished spear head to the spear as well-- all
automatically!
[a bell goes "ding!", and a finished spear is ejected from an opening at
the front of the Spear-O-Matic; the elf picks up the spear and hefts it]
VO: See how easy that was? And what a spear!
[elf smiles; another branch-horn appears nearby-- elf throws the new spear
at it; perfect shot-- the animal is killed instantly and cleanly]
[quick cut to elves happily feasting on the kill; the original elf turns
to us and says, "Thank you, Spear-O-Matic!" ]
VO: Yes, new Spear-O-Matic! By Frank! Get yours today! Available at
all fine troll forges everywhere!
[Scene goes black for a second, then switches to Deep E-a-F-- Dr. C looks
really angry, and Frank is wearing a sort of fearful grin.]
DR. C: [yelling] *FRANK*!
FRANK: [mock-innocent look] Uh... Yes?
DR. C: I thought I *told* you *never* to do that again!
FRANK: Well... yeah, but--
DR. C: And what a *ridiculous* idea-- "Spear-O-Matic--" I mean, *really*!
FRANK: Well, I don't know...
DR. C: At least there couldn't be anything *dumber* going on with the
Wolfriders today...
[long pause-- Dr. C and Frank just sort of look at each other-- Frank
looks like he's trying to avoid saying something...]
DR. C: Uh... Could there..?
[Scene switches to the Wolfriders]
CUTTER: Alright, everyone, it's the Winnowill Song! Hit it, Voice of Magic!
[Upbeat 70's-style music starts up; everyone starts dancing the Frug or
its Abodean equivalent. Unfortunately, most of the audience probably
won't recognize what the *tune* is supposed to be, but fortunately,
that really isn't very important...]
ALL: Winno-WILL!
Winno-WILL!
CUTTER: She's the source of all our pain! (Yeah!)
ALL: Winno-WILL!
Winno-WILL!
SKYWISE: Black sends everyone all day! (That's right!)
ALL: Winno-WILL!
Winno-WILL!
REDLANCE: Told us that she's a High One! (Ha!)
ALL: Winno-WILL!
Winno-WILL!
ONE-EYE: Keeps the humans as her pets! (Ewww!)
ALL: Winno-WILL!
Winno-WILL!
LEETAH: She's a healer inside-out! (Ooh yah!)
ALL: Winno-WILL!
Winno-WILL!
PIKE: Wish she'd Recognize a troll! (Ha ha!)
ALL: Winno-WILL!
Winno-WILL!
NIGHTFALL: Held everyone captive here! (Yeah!)
ALL: Winno-WILL!
Winno-WILL!
CUTTER: [yelling out loud] Take it Frank!
[Switch to Deep E-a-F; we still hear the instrumentals faintly in the
background. Dr. C is looking over at Frank with visibly increasing
rage.]
FRANK: [sort of caught off guard; not really following the music] Um, uh...
Winno-WILL! Winno-WILL! Uh... She's... um.. not very nice at all..!
[looks over at Dr. C; Dr. C glares silently at Frank; Frank starts
getting more embarrassed] Um... uh... Winno-WILL! Uh, uh... Winno-WILL!
Uh, Thinks that... people... [really winding down now] um... come from...
trees... uh... [pause] [quickly; in desperation] Take it Dr.
Claytimmain!
DR. C: [angry; to Frank] I'm not taking *anything*, Frank! [to the WR's]
And as for *you* beastmasters, laugh it up while you still can..!
Especially, *you*, Chief flea-feast! [evil grin] [to Frank] C'mon
Frank-- we've got to go and make sure we'll be able to get Petalwing
before-- [Dr. C suddenly notices the strange object Frank is carrying]
Uh, by the way, what's that... *thing* you brought back with you..?
[Scene switches to the Wolfriders; lots of mysterious flashing lights and
buzzers; everyone is running around in circles like ravvits or something...]
CUTTER: We've got TwoMoons Sign!!
[Scene goes black for a few seconds]
------------------------------------------------------------------------------
[WOTM-TV logo]
You're viewing WOTM-TV. Later this day, stay tuned for the new hit game
show, _Twedge!_ Watch as contestants try to solve puzzles-- but can they
really trust our secret assistant..? It's Fun, Frustration, and Fabulous
Prizes! And it's all *here* on WOTM-TV!
[Scene goes black for a second, then fades up with some scenes featuring
various social activities where everyone is drinking the same beverage--
sometimes they drink from cans, sometimes bottles, and sometimes pour
it into glasses. The drink is purple in color, and the cans and bottles
share the same wolf-head design and say "Purple Wolf" in large letters.
A jingle is heard over the visuals-- it is sung in a sort of four-part
harmony with a minimal musical accompaniment which primarily serves as
a means of "punctuating" some of the lyrics.]
[jingle]
Where there's life-- (dooder-a-dooter-dooterit-doot!)
There's Wolf! (bum-- bum!)
Af-ter a hunt or at a howl,
Whether thinking ahead,
Or lost in the Now--
Pur-ple-Wolf-brew makes it great somehow!
Where there's life-- (dooder-a-dooter-dooterit-doot!)
There's Wolf!
Pur-ple-Wolf!
[end jingle]
[brief fade to black]
[fade up; jingle starts-- jingle is accompanied by a fast-edit montage of
scenes at some sort of amusement park. Jingle is very cheery, bright and
up-tempo; the two singers sometimes "trade" lines back and forth,
sometimes sing in duet.]
[jingle]
Questland!
Join the Quest today!
Great rides!
Fun adventure!
You too can live the Way!
There's lots of excitement!
It's a great place to be!
Meet all of the Wolfriders
As they hunt, howl, and live free-ee-ee!
Questland!
Join the Quest *today*!
[jingle ends; peppy music continues in the background]
[announcer voice over; visuals change to some scenes which feature a large
mechanical bird which appears to be moving via a suspended cable system
strung high over the ground.]
VO: At Questland, we put the "ad" back in "adventure!" The tradition
continues with our newest attraction-- it's not your *ordinary*
roller coaster ride-- It's "Lord Voll's Final Flight!" Oh, yes, it
*starts* out calmly enough-- but you'd better hang on *tight* once you
hear that "THUNGG!" [the mechanical bird lurches and then plummets
as if the suspension cables just snapped] --and you fall fall *fall*
to the ground far below! [bird apparently crashes to the ground,
but we don't see it actually hit bottom] Are you brave enough to face
"Lord Voll's Final Flight..?" The latest in our "Troll War!" action-land!
[jingle reprise]
Questland!
Join the Quest *today*!
[go to black]
[WOTM-TV logo]
And now, let's return to Mystery Elfquest Theater.
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[Scene switches to Deep E-a-F; Dr. Claytimmain is fuming about *something*.
He is holding an aerosol can in his hand, and both he and Frank are
partially covered in wrapstuff.]
FRANK: Now, Dr. Claytimmain, it wasn't *my* fault-- *you* thought it
was a good idea *too*, you know!
[Dr. C fumes and glares at Frank]
FRANK: C'mon-- don't get upset-- we'll find something else!
DR. C: Now, Frank, would *I* punish you just because *you* came up with
this stupid idea in the first place..? Not to mention all the time and
trouble we put into trying to find backers on the Earth-world? *And*
all that wealth we lost trying to *promote* the thing..? Would *I*
do something horrible to you just for that?
FRANK: [fidgeting] Uh... Yes..?
DR. C: Well, you're *right*, Frank, I would! You *bet* I would! But--
*sigh* [more calmly; almost depressed] I'm not. I just... don't feel
like it right now. I guess I've got too much on my mind...
FRANK: Hmm... Oh, by the way...
DR. C: Now what?
FRANK: Well, today, Cutter's going to face-off with Winnowill, right?
DR. C: Of course, Frank. Fortunately, that's something which doesn't
require much "arrangement" on our part...
FRANK: ...But, don't you think it might be nice if the Earth-humans who
will read about this in the next issue of the comic book were to find
out a bit more about the Wolfriders' background..? After all, we'll
lose out on letting Cutter actually *tell* the story out loud to Lord
Voll and the others.
DR. C: Hmm. True. Although, we really couldn't let Lord Voll find
out about that anyway...
FRANK: Yeah... But how are we going to put all that background information
into the symbol loop if it doesn't really *happen* in some way..? I
mean, we had that story about Madcoil a while back, but Cutter was
actually *telling* the story at the time. And then there was that
scene we just had with Strongbow-- but he really *did* send those images
out. So, how can we do this?
DR. C: Oh, that's simple, Frank. We'll just write in a "flashback" when
we do the editing later.
FRANK: What..?
DR. C: *sigh* What we'll do is insert some scenes into the loop of our
design-- with our own narration on top of them-- which tell a quick
summary of what happened in the past. That's called a "flashback,"
you see.
FRANK: Ah.
DR. C: It's sort of like that short introduction we wrote for the first
issue of the comic book, except that we wrote that while we made our
original plans for the "story." [thinking] Hmm. That reminds me--
since the events which we've set up for *this* comic book issue don't
take much time *here* to occur, perhaps we should just take care of
this little problem right now. Tell you what-- you know the story of
the Wolfriders better than I do-- why don't you just lock-send with Pini
Predestinator there, and he can do the actual shaping of the flashback
into the loop.
FRANK: Okay, but, uh, how does that work..? I mean, the "flashback"
scenes aren't *actually* going to happen-- won't that mess up the symbol
loop if they just get inserted into the regular loop..?
DR. C: No, Frank, because a "flashback" doesn't actually take any *real*
time in the present-- Pini Predestinator will simply create a sub-loop
whose ends are attached between the two symbols on the main loop which
represent the point in the story we want the flashback to occur.
Understand?
FRANK: Well, uh... No.
DR. C: *sigh* Just don't worry about it, OK? Pini Predestinator will
take care of the rest by himself. Just include me in with your lock-send
so I can be sure there aren't any mistakes.
FRANK: Okay. [Frank starts his lock-send of words and images]
** Long ago... Long ago... In the land of the frozen mountains--
a land gripped by crushing cold **
[As Frank continues his sending, the scene goes black briefly to indicate
a brief passage of time. We can see that the symbol-loop has become
more tangled with the addition of this continuously growing sub-loop]
FRANK: ** ...It made them strong, swift and sturdy, equal to any challenge
--It tied them beyond all untying to the world and its cycle of life.
And if the price was mortality, no one knew it-- for rare, indeed, was the
Wolfrider who died peacefully of old age! ** [speaking out loud] How
was that, Dr. Claytimmain?
DR. C: Very *nice*, Frank. I didn't know you had it in you! Such drama!
Such eloquence!
FRANK: [red-faced] Aww... gee...
DR. C: ...Such vivid images of... Timmain and that... Timmorn... *ugh*
I still can't believe Timmain would have done such a thing-- but, I
have to admit that it really *did* work out for the best in the end...
[lock-sending] ** Frank? Remember how it *used* to be..? Before the
crash? When we all used to travel through the stars? ** [imagery of
the "coneheads" in the sphere]
FRANK: ** Yeah... **
DR. C: ** We were never considered very important to the group... We
weren't part of the "sphere--" and we never guided... We were known
more for our little practical jokes more than anything else... and we two
always seemed to be together-- keeping our little jokes and secrets to
ourselves... We were always co-conspirators-- we even came up with little
"false names" for ourselves-- names which we still go by a variation of
even now. I became "Doctorer Clay-Timmain" and you-- **
FRANK: ** I was "Frank Open Send"... Yeah... Remember how we gave those
names to each other..? Your name-- Oh, that was just *great*! I *loved*
how you-- **
DR. C: ** Well, yes, it *was* pretty good, but nobody else thought it was
very funny once the ruse was discovered... Nobody except the trolls,
anyway. It's almost ironic how Timmain's actions here ended up being
so important to-- Well, anyway, though these "false names" started out
as just our own little way of communicating with each other privately,
we later tried to get the others to call us by those names as well--
and no one could understand *why* anyone would want to be referred to
as something other than their true name... **
FRANK: ** Yeah... Everyone thought we were *really* strange then... **
DR. C: ** ...But, y'know-- it's interesting-- the others all thought us odd
because of our little jokes and tricks, but it seems that's what *saved*
us after the... fall... **
FRANK: ** The... fall..? **
DR. C: ** That's right, Frank. Y'know, I never understood this at the
time-- I couldn't figure out *why* the burrowers didn't like the others
in our group. Everyone was *kind* enough to them, I thought-- we kept
them fed and sheltered, we never harmed them, and they got to live with
us immortals-- what *else* could they want? But *now*, I think I see
what happened-- and why the burrowers tried to keep us two from the
horrible fate which befell our brethren... Hmm. Frank..? Maybe
comedy can be *useful* sometimes-- it was the fact that *we* played
jokes on the others-- just as they did-- which made the burrowers trust
us enough to help us escape. I suppose they figured we were kindred
spirits of a sort. We didn't see the other "firstcomers" for a while,
but we could certainly *feel* them-- **
FRANK: ** That's odd-- I don't remember a lot of this... All I remember
is that we got stranded on this world, and lots of us *died* and that
we need to get the Palace back... I forgot most of the details. **
DR. C: ** --the *pain*! The *screaming*! The-- ?? ** [now speaking
out loud; the images from the lock-sending dissipate. The Pini
Predestinator symbol loop looks more convoluted and unbalanced than it
was before, but no one seems to notice this.] Uh, what do you *mean*
you don't remember..? This was the most *tragic* moment in our existence,
and you *forgot*?? How is *that* possible?
FRANK: Oh, I guess I just decided to forget those events and just wiped
them from my mind. Boy, now that you've sent me those images, I'm glad
I did!
DR. C: [surprised] You wiped..? Y-- Frank! I never knew you could do
*that*! Why didn't you ever tell me that *before*??
FRANK: Hmm? Of course I told-- [realizes something] er, wait a minute...
DR. C: Tell me-- can you wipe the memories of *other* elves..?
FRANK: Well, uh... Yeah... I think I've even tried that... once...
maybe... a long time ago...
DR. C: Do you think you could demonstrate it right now..? This could
really be *useful*, y'know?
FRANK: Well, OK. What would you like to forget?
DR. C: [rolling his eyes back] How about the day I met *you* in the first
place! Frank! I don't mean *me*..! Try it on one of those Wolfriders
or something... They forget enough as it *is*-- they'll never notice
anything *new* missing.
FRANK: Well, I don't know-- what would be good for them to forget?
DR. C: Oh, something minor... Oh wait! I know-- let's just have them
*all* forget about that dumb "Life Preserver" invention of yours so
they won't ask any idiotic questions about it later.
FRANK: But *that* would mean Dewshine would be the only one of the
wolf-guys who were originally held captive here who would *still* know
who Petalwing is!
DR. C: So? That won't matter-- they won't need to know who Petalwing is
until later on anyway...
FRANK: But-- *then* they'd all forget about how they got the idea for
doing that "Spear-O-Matic" thing!
DR. C: [smiling and rubbing his hands in glee] Yes!
FRANK: [a bit dejected] Okay... here goes... [Frank goes into a state of
concentration for a brief moment] Hmm. I *think* it worked... That was
pretty easy, y'know..?
DR. C: Yeah, well, making *those* deep-in-wolf-thought elves forget
anything can't be much of a challenge... Though, I must admit we'd
probably never have been able to get our plan to re-gain the Palace to
work without them...
FRANK: [lock-sending] ** Well, after Winnowill stopped being so nice-- **
DR. C: ** Yes... when we first moved in with the Gliders, Voll and
Winnowill were such good friends-- and we *thought* Winnowill might have
the right idea about how to restore our race and escape-- but something
*happened*... That's when we started hiding out for much of the time--
I shaped a secret cavern-- located some eight-and-four levels below the
main entrance where we could live without her constant watch... **
FRANK: ** She *tried* to figure out where we made our lair, but she never
*could* find it! **
DR. C: ** Anyway, one day, while we were up in the main public caverns,
she came to us with a request. Of course, with *her*, it's really
more of a *demand*, but-- in any case, she figured we were so good at
*hiding*, perhaps I could shape *her* a secret place of her *own*. In
doing so, I had to reveal the location of our own lair-- which is of
course why I shaped this *new* cavern deeper into Blue Mountain where we
*now* live. **
FRANK: ** Sometimes I wonder why she never got curious about the fact that
we seemed to disappear again shortly after we created that new place
of hers-- complete with her own "Door..." **
DR. C: ** Well, frankly, I figure she just never thought we were worth
*bothering* with. Fool elf thinks she's the only one with *secrets*
here... Besides, I don't think she ever really figured out that your
sendings could be made undetectable to her eavesdropping-- she must
have decided that if she can't detect us communicating with others
outside Blue Mountain, then we must be *harmless*, at least... Anyway,
it was about then that we knew for sure that Winnie was going to keep
everyone here and prevent Lord Voll from ever dreaming of regaining the
Palace. If the elves were ever going to have the Palace back, *we* were
going to have to do it ourselves. With your sending talents, and my
rock-shaping, we could *do* it! And *she* would never have to know! **
FRANK: ** So, I started "going out" to find the Palace's location by
contacting the spirits of our dead brothers-- and also find out where
other groups of our descendants were living. It took a while, because
the spirits usually didn't remember much about where they were when they
died, and it was difficult to get good geographic clues this way.
Also, it turned out that the Palace was under a sheet of *ice*, and
so it wouldn't be possible to retrieve it then anyway. **
DR. C: ** But, even so, we still managed to find out where the other elves
were living. And eventually, the ice around the Palace melted-- but
those *trolls* had moved in the area again-- and they certainly weren't
going to let any elves *near* the Palace, and none of the elf tribes we
had found seemed to be any real match for them, except-- **
FRANK: ** --There was that time I found the spirit of an elf just
wandering about. At first, I thought she had just "gone out" like
me, but *her* body was *dead*! So, that's how we found out about the
wolf-guys... I watched them-- I saw their surroundings through their
spirits-- and-- **
DR. C: ** --we decided we had found the solution to our problem. And
eventually, the ice around the Palace melted-- but by that point, those
*trolls* had moved in-- and they certainly weren't going to let any
elves *near* the Palace, and none of the elf tribes we had found seemed
to be any real match for them, and eventually, the ice around the Palace
melted-- but by that point, those *trolls* had moved in-- and none of
the ice around the other elves [...] ** [The scene which contains the
lock-send continues like this in the background while Dr. C speaks out
loud in the foreground. Try and picture that.] Frank? What's going on?
[loud grinding and creaking noises are now heard] Something's gone
wrong-- look at Pini Predestinator!
[We can see that the Pini Predestinator symbol loop has gotten extremely
convoluted and that P.P. appears to be having great difficulty keeping it
suspended in the air-- it is wobbling erratically and looks as if it will
crash into the floor at any moment. The broken sending scene is still
going on in the background and is running pretty much at random.]
DR. C: [somewhat panicked] Frank! Don't send! Just-- just stay right
there! [Dr. C runs over to the symbol loop and re-shapes it back into
where it looks more like its usual self. While this is going on, the
background "sending scene" becomes intermittent and then disappears
completely. Once he is done re-shaping the loop, Dr C. turns towards
Frank and angrily glares at him.]
FRANK: [very embarrassed] Uh, well, uh... you never told me to *stop*..!
[pause -- Dr. C continues to glare silently] Uh... You want me to
push the button..?
DR. C: [angry] No, *I'll* push the button..! [Dr. C grabs the "Life
Preserver" aerosol can and points it at Frank, holding the can at
arm's length. His arm trembles slightly as he presses the button on
top-- and *nothing* happens. ]
|
\ | /
PWOOSH! --- O ---
/ | \
|
[over dark scene]
DR. C: [yelling] AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRGGGGGG!!! [loud *clang*
*bip* *skitter-skitter-rattle* is heard; apparently Dr. C threw the
useless can of wrapstuff at the floor in rage...]
FRANK: Ooops!
...you know the rest!
------------------------------------------------------------------------------
READING COMPREHENSION TEST
USE A #2 PENCIL ONLY -- YOU HAVE 15 MINUTES TO COMPLETE THIS TEST
1. What did the reader learn from this episode of Mystery Elfquest Theater?
a) Using an in-joke based on "The Sandy Frank Song" really doesn't work
very well at all.
b) There have been too many "Ronco" advertising parodies going on in this
series lately.
c) We learned too late that man is a *feeling* creature...
d) All of the above
2. Which statement best describes a typical reader reaction to this episode?
a) "It took four months-- for *this*??"
b) "You call *that* the 'Secret of the Mad High Ones..?'"
c) "When the symbol-loop got all tangled-- why did it affect the *sendings*
like that..?"
d) All of the above
3. What, in summation, is the Secret of the Mad High Ones as far as we can
tell from this episode?
a) A deodorant stick pH balanced just for humans who aren't plant life
b) Forty-two
c) Proof that even a comedy fanfic series can have an overblown premise
d) If we knew what it was, then it wouldn't be a *secret* any more...
4. What do you think that mysterious thing is that Frank was carrying?
a) A hastily contrived plot device
b) A flower-counting device for Pini Predestinator
c) A tactical nuclear device
d) A device which will cause Dr. C to get upset with Frank yet again
PLEASE STOP NOW. PUT YOUR PENCILS DOWN.
----------
COMING UP:
MET \5670 -- Show \116:
Tune in next time for a ham (and lots of cheese)-fisted episode which
will likely be broadcast with the ID "Radio Killed the Sending-Star."
It may be full of ELF radiation, but it won't be low in hurts! ...for
the *audience* anyway. Seek it out, or it will CQ! (and I always
do...)
---------------------------------------------------------------------------
Copyright (c) 1995 by Martin Kuhn.
Permission is granted to redistribute this document to other forums,
use printed copies to make paper bond-birds, or whatever, provided
these notices are left intact and no compensation is gained or requested.
Elfquest, its characters, situations, logos, and their distinctive
likenesses are trademarks of WaRP Graphics, Inc. All Rights Reserved
Worldwide. Mystery Science Theater 3000, its characters, situations,
and other story elements are the property of Best Brains, Inc.
No endorsement by WaRP Graphics or Best Brains is expressed or implied
by these statements. This parody was written in the spirit of fun,
and is not intended to cause any harm to the abovementioned companies
or their products. Elfquest -- You Like It -- It Likes You
You might have decided that the "Knap-Time" pun probably wouldn't have
worked in the elfin language, but you will note that I resisted the
temptation to call the contraption as a whole the "Spear-O-Mint" instead...
Enjoy the story? Want to read more? Well, apparently there's a whole lot of back issues and even a few forward issues stored at ftp.lupine.com in the pub/elfquest/writing directory. If you can't get into there (I've tried a few times myself with no success), then I'm sure the author wouldn't mind sending you copies. Just write him at mkuhn@bolivar.cs.uiowa.edu