Batman And Robin: Script

SPECIAL EFFECTS, SOUND, GAFFER, BEST BOY ALL PRETTY MUCH IRRELEVANT SINCE WE TYPED THIS.

This script is copyright (c) 1997 by Warner Brothers. The assorted
rude commentary is copyright (c) 1997 by the above. No infringements
on existing copyrights are intended.

[SOL. THE LIGHTS ARE LOW. MIKE AND THE BOTS ARE HUDDLED TOGETHER]

MIKE: This is weird, guys.

CROW: I know. Tom, what is that smell?

MIKE: That's not what I mean. Just moments ago we were fleeing
Mrs. Forrester, again, and now we're stuck in a place beyond time and
space.

CROW: And it stinks.

TOM: Oh, like your body odor is like a florists finest, beakboy.

CROW: Well I'm not the one that looks like a fire hydrant . . .

MIKE: Guys. Listen, we can fight over body odor no matter how bad
both of you smell . . .

TOM AND CROW: Hey . . .

MIKE: . . . we're stuck in this Phantom Zone(tm) type place and...

CROW: Mike, you just spoke in trademark!

MIKE: I just mentioned the Phantom Zone(tm) from Superman(tm)...uh-oh.

TOM: Mike that was weird.

MIKE: Yeah, er, we'll be right back.

[COMMERCIAL SIGN]

[The Psychic Friends Network degrades all of humanity. Film at
eleven]

[SOL]

TOM: Batman(tm), Cheez Wiz(tm). This is cool!

CROW: Pound Puppies(tm)!

MIKE: OK, OK. Geez, you guys are easily amused.

CROW: Of course, we hang around with you.

MIKE: Thanks. Just a moment. {Pulls down the Nanite-viewing scope)
Hey guys?

[NANITE VIEW]

NANITE NED: Yes?

[SOL]

MIKE: Can you guys build me something that will tell me what kind of
strange alternate universe we've fallen into? And can you do it
without committing some form of genocide?

[NANITE VIEW]

NAITE NED: Surefinenoproblem.
Billgivemeaquantumrealityrelationalscannerwithpastvariantadjustmentpronto!

[SOL. MIKE IS SUDDENLY LOOKING AT A SCREENLIKE DEVICE THAT APPEARED IN HIS HAND]

MIKE: Woah. You guys, um, did anything blow up?

CROW: You haven't ruined any other civilizations that we know of.
Krypton(tm)! Daxam(tm)!

MIKE: Ok. Lesse, according to this, we're in . . . the Phantom Zone(tm).

TOM: Something like the Phantom Zone(tm) from Superman(tm) comics,
hmmm . . .

MIKE: No, er, the real one. Apparently we're in a place between
fact and fiction.

TOM: An Oliver Stone film?

MIKE: No, we've crossed over from our real universe to a place
where fiction is real, and this Phantom Zone(tm) borders on it!

CROW: Wow. I'm glad it's not the other way around. Wouldn't that
suck, being fictional?

MIKE: So, whenever we mention something trademarked, like the
Phantom Zone(tm), we get that "trademarky" experience.

TOM: Cool, I wonder . . .

[A BANGING SOUND COMES FROM OUTSIDE. GYPSY POPS UP AS USUAL]

GYPSY: Guys we've struck something outside! I'm having it brought
in for analysis.

MIKE: Er, why?

GYPSY: I'm bored.

MIKE: That makes . . . hey!

[A STRANGE SARCOPHAGUS-LIKE DEVICE SUDDENLY POPS UP IN FRONT OF MIKE. HE NEARLY JUMPS ATOP THE SOL CONSOLE]

MIKE: Yaahhhh! Geez!

TOM: Cool! Hey, that looks like Julie Schwartz!

MIKE: Who?

CROW: Oh, the lovably curmudgeonly once-editor of DC comics. Guy
showed up at nearly every convention you could imagine for years.

MIKE: And a gigantic box that looks like him is floating in the
Phantom Zone(tm). What's this inscription?

CROW: "If ye valuest your immortal soul, do not open this box.
Unless you are Rob Liefeld. Then, go ahead."

MIKE: Strange, I . . .

[TOM BEGINS PLAYING WITH THE SARCOPHAGUS. IT SPRINGS OPEN]

MIKE: Tom! What about that immortal soul thing!

TOM: I don't think I have one, so what's the problem . . . oh,
sorry Mike . . .

MIKE: Thanks, Tom. I . . . hey, what's this?

[MIKE PICKS SOMETHING OFF OF THE FLOOR. IT LOOKS LIKE A SHEAF OF
PAPERS]

MIKE: It's - My God(tm), it's the script to Batman(tm) & Robin(tm)!

CROW: The movie? From, what, 1997? Wow, even at the edge of the
universe I heard about that . . .

TOM: I don't believe it! Why would they seal that away . . . oh.

MIKE: They must have used the mystic symbolism of Julie to lock it
away from humanity! Imagine the evil a movie with George Clooney and
Arnold Schwarzenegger could contain! And we've opened it, and . . .

[SOL BEGINS TO SHAKE. MIKE LOOKS AT THE SCANNER.]

MIKE: Reality is altering! Whats . . .

GYPSY: The script's evil is downloading itself into the theater, its .
. .

[LIGHTS FLASH]

ALL: We've got scriptsign!!!!

{6 . . . 5 . . . 4 . . . 3 . . . 2 . . . 1]

[THEATER. ENTER TOM, MIKE, CROW]

TOM: Great. Schwarzenegger, Clooney, Thurman, O'Donnel, and
Silverstone, all humiliating themselves.
MIKE: At least it has Uma Thurman . . .
TOM: This is a SCRIPT, Mike.
MIKE: I can dream.

> FADE IN ON:
>
> 1 INT. BATCAVE -BATMAN'S COSTUME VALUT
> Chrome and shadow. A black gauntlet SNAPS into place. A
> cape WHIPS over a dark rubber back.

CROW: Chains and green leather mittens appear!

> A bat-shaped buckle LOCKS.

TOM: A garter slides up the leg . . .
MIKE: An audience PUKES . . .

> 2 INT. BATCAVE ROBIN'S COSTUME VALUT - INTERCUT
>
> A silver throwing-bird is chosen from a weapon's array.

CROW: The rest of G-force appears!

> Gloved hands lift a black eye mask. Tunic armor CLICKS shut,
> turning to reveal the chest-borne insignia of a Robin.

ALL: Tweedle-deedlee-dee! Tweedle-deedlee-dee!

>
> 3 INT.BATCAVE

CROW: Float Batcave!
TOM: Double Batcave!
MIKE: String Batcave!

>
> BATMAN - CLOSE. Emerges from his costume vault.

CROW: And his closet.

> WIDER

CROW: Deeper!
TOM: Faster!
MIKE: Okay guys . . .

> This is not your father's Batcave.

MIKE: What, is it your little sisters?

> Deeper excavation has doubled the size of the cavern.

CROW: It's my little batcave!

> New state-of-the-art
> computing systems flash. Surveillance screens monitor news
> and police FREQUENCIES. Crime's worst nightmare.

MIKE: Is not in right now, but if you leave a message, it'll get
back to you!

> Batman strides towards the rising steam-obscured pedestal
> which bears the sleek, redesigned Batmobile.

TOM: We have GOT to get that sauna out of here.

> ROBIN appears in the door of his costume vault, dressed in
> the black and red of his Nightwing costume.

CROW: Kinda funny since he is named 'Robin'(tm).

> Two dark avengers stand suited, ready to take back the night.

MIKE: For which they'll need a receipt.

> BATMAN
> Nice suit. And today you are?

TOM: Played be the same actor, unlike you . . .

>
> ROBIN
> Nightwing. Scourge of darkest evil.
>
> BATMAN
> This is all about fashion for you, isn't it?
>
> ROBIN
> It's the gear. Chicks love the gear.
>

TOM <EFFEMININE BATMAN VOICE> : Then why would you wear it?
MIKE: Looks like a long, deep slide into homoerotica, guys.
TOM: And you're surprised?

> ALFRED steps forward, out of the shadows.

CROW: Followed by a Vorlon.
MIKE: He has always been Alfred.
TOM: Maybe we're all Alfred.
CROW: Has Alfred always been here?
MIKE: No, but it already feels like we have . . .

> ALFRED
> Do call if you're going to be late for dinner, sir.
>
> 4 TURBOS - CLOSE. ROAR. The Batmobile SHOOTS away through
> the arches of the cave access tunnel.

CROW: And golden arches!

>
> 5 The compass to of the Batmobile service pedestal splits
> wide like the opening petals of a flower, revealing a
> sleek, turbo-charged motorcycle. meet Robin's bike: The
> Redbird.

CROW: Pleased to meet you Motorcycle!

> ALFRED
> Drive carefully, Master Wing.

CROW: I'm not going there!

>
> ROBIN
> Don't wait up, AL.

MIKE: I suppose he can call him Al.

>
> 6 The REDBIRD'S TURBO - CLOSE. EXPLODES into life.

MIKE: Robin(tm) rains down in tiny pieces.
CROW: Yeah, and an audience BURSTS into FLAMES.

> The powerful bike SHOOTS after the Batmobile.

TOM: Slamming right into the windshield!

>
> 7 ALFRED watches them go.

CROW: Thank God they're gone!

> Then, he relaxes, lets his weight
> fall against the main console, a man not as well as he seems.

MIKE: Which describes most of the cast . . .

>
> 8 INT. BATCAVE ACCESS TUNNEL - BATMOBILE - MOVING

CROW: Moving? Duh!

>
> Batman is behind the wheel, Robin visible through the
> window.

CROW: Smacked him good!
MIKE: Just turn on the windshield wipers, Bruce.

>
> BATMAN
> Ten police cruisers frozen solid on
> the Gotham Expressway . . .

CROW: Two turtle doves . . .
TOM AND MIKE: And a partridge in a pear tree . .

> 9 INT. BATCAVE ACCESS TUNNEL - REDBIRD - MOVING
>
> Robin is on his bike, data scrolling on his console monitor.

TOM: Bad mothers! Bad mothers!
CROW: He's got the only cycle that can access alt.pictures.sex.men.

>
> ROBIN
> ... A giant drilling truck burrowing under
> the city ...
>
> BATMAN
> Mr. Freeze.

MIKE <ROBIN> : No, a gigantic drilling truck you doofus!

> ROBIN
> The batcomputer tracks him heading
> for the Gotham Museum.
>
> BATMAN
> The new antiquities exhibit. The
> Second Sun of the Sudan.

CROW: Say that seven times fast!

>
> ROBIN
> Of course. He's going to steal the
> giant white diamond.

TOM: Wow, what detective work. I'm inspired.

>
> BATMAN
> No, Robin. He's going to jail.

MIKE <ROBIN> : No, he's heading for the museum, see!

>
> 10 OMITTED

ALL: Thank God!

>
> 10A BATMAN'S MONITOR - CLOSE - THE GOTHAM MUSEUM
>
> PUSH IN

ALL: Pull out!

> 11 EXT. GOTHAM MUSEUM - NIGHT
>
> A stone and glass palace set on the edge of Gotham's
> Central Park.
>
> 12 INT. GOTHAM MUSEUM - NIGHT

MIKE: Well, it's not Ed Wood - night stayed night.

>
> A GIANT DRILLING TRUCK points up through the rubble of the
> shattered museum floor.

CROW: Men in leather, a phallic symbol . . .

>
> 13 WIDER. A great hall bearing the skeleton of a mighty
> brontosaur amongst a myriad of other exotic antiquities.
> All frozen.

MIKE: Ok, Willy, did you change the thermostat - AGAIN?

>
> 14 HOLD on A GIANT DIAMOND CASE
>
> The case begins to glow blue, then white, the shatterproof
> glass EXPLODING into a thousand flying fragments.

TOM: Shatterproof my ass!

>
> 15 RACK IN through the storm of ice and glass, ACROSS the
> frozen floor, PAST exhibits of Aztec ruins peppered now
> with three FROZEN GUARDS,

TOM: Two turtle doves!
CROW AND MIKE: And a partridge in a pear tree!

> UP stone steps of a pyramid
> altar TO REVEAL...

MIKE: Ed MacMahon!
TOM <As MacMahon> : Heeeers Brucie!

>
> A silver suited figure stands, bald head visible beneath a
> helmet,

TOM: Then what the hell kind of helmet is it?
CROW: I'm having' a Metaluna flashback . . .

> A high-tech bazooka in his hand. MR. FREEZE
>
> FREEZE
> The Iceman Cometh.

MIKE: Please, please, leave your personal life out of this!

>
> 16 WIDER
>
> A gang of Thugs in thermal suits, THE ICEMEN,

MIKE: How imaginative.

skate to the
> base of the steps. Two hold a MOANING, shivering GUARD
> captive.

CROW: Do you know how embarrassing it is to be held captive buy
guys in long johns?
MIKE: You get over it.
TOM: Mike, tell me you don't know what that feels like.

>
> GUARD
> Please. Show some mercy.

MIKE <Oliver Twist> : Please, sir, may I have some mercy?

>
> Freeze begins down the altar steps. A SHIMMERING, TERRIFYING
> GOD.

TOM: Is not hear right now, so you'll have to deal with
Schwarzenegger and twenty pounds of costume.

>
> FREEZE
> I'm afraid my condition has left me
> cold to your please of mercy.

MIKE: As well as all acting ability.

>
> 17 Freeze FIRES his weapon,

CROW: But if it's a cold-based weapon . . .

> the beam of cryonic energy
> engulfing the Guard, turning him to ice.
>
> FREEZE
> (knocks on the guard's cheek)
> Copsicle.

MIKE: OK. I want Schwarzenegger dead.

>
> Freeze closes, now, on the shattered case.

CROW: That's gotta hurt!

>
> FREEZE
> In this universe, there is only one
> absolute. Everything...

MIKE: Is half-off on Tuesdays?

>
> Freeze swipes away the shattered glass and steel, from the
> debris lifts a tremendous diamond.

MIKE: It's all about size, isn't it?
CROW: I thought it was about the gear.
TOM: I thought it was about sequels that should never be made.

>
> FREEZE
> ...Freezes.
>
> Freeze holds the diamond high over his head, the light
> hitting the gem liike a star.

TOM: If a star was small and made of crystalline carbon and
fist-sized.
MIKE AND CROW <SINGING> : Arnie in the sky with diamonds . . .

>
> 18 THE SKYLIGHT - CLOSE. EXPLODES.

MIKE: A skylight buys it in every one of these leather-boy action
films!

> Batman free-falls into
> the room, hitting the brontosaurus and sliding down its
> neck,

ALL: Ow!

> SMASHING Freeze with his feet, the diamond sliding
> across the frozen floor.

MIKE: It's the smell that gets you.

>
> FREEZE
> (aiming his pistol)

MIKE: Notice it was a bazooka.
CROW: I guess it is all about size!
TOM: Maybe it is about the gear.

> Bat on ice, anyone?
>
> 19 Batman KICKS the pistol high in the air, catches it.

CROW: Licks it.

>
> BATMAN
> Didn't your mother ever tell you not
> to play with guns?

MIKE <SCHWARZENEGGER> : Ya, right before I shot her.

> 20 Freeze cartwheels across the room, kicking the gun away
> from Batman, catching it in mid air.

TOM: They're stealing each other's routines! I don't believe
this!
MIKE: We're twenty scenes into the movie, and it's already ripping
itself off.

>
> FREEZE
> You're not sending me to the cooler.

TOM: You ARE the cooler!

> 21 Freeze FIRES. Batman dodges the blast. Freeze takes aim
> again.
>
> 22 THE FRONT DOORS - CLOSE. BLOW OPEN> Robin, on the
> Redbird, flies into the room.

CROW: I'm the most interesting character here! Ha!

>
> 23 BATMAN uses the distraction, flying-kicks the gun into
> the air.

MIKE: It's always a good idea to use your youthful sidekick as a
distraction when he rides into an icy museum on a high-tech crotch
rocket.

>
> 24 ROBIN soars over Freeze's head, kicks the airborne gun to
> the altar atop the giant pyramid.

TOM: Summoning dark forces from beyond . . .

> ROBIN
> Score. And the crowd goes wild.

ALL <Noncommittal> : Yay.

> 25 Robin lands, laying his bike sideways in a slide,

CROW: Hamburgering his knees . . .

> KNOCK-
> ING a precious vase into mid air. he grabs a statue,
> using it to whip around in a dismount.

MIKE: OK. Dismounts. Flying kicks. Guys in costumes. I'm not
sure if I'm watching an ice show or a porn film . . .
TOM: I think it's both.
CROW: I think it's about size.
MIKE: Or the gear?
CROW: Definitely.

>
> 26 BATMAN catches the falling vase, replaces it,

MIKE: With what? A cantaloupe? A hamster? The Magna Carta?

> as Robin
> skates beside him. The two heroes race for Freeze.

CROW: First one to the villain is a rotten egg!

>
> FREEZE
> Grab the gem. Kill the heroes.

TOM <SCHWARZENEGGER> : And don't get it backwards like you did last
time!

>
> 28 MORE INCEMEN in hockey masks, sticks in hand, rush the
> caped crusaders from both sides.

MIKE: Oh, no, there's going to be a hockey joke, I know it!
CROW: I blame the Hockey Strike for this.

>
> 29 ROBIN
> It's the hockey team from hell.

TOM: It's the script from hell.
CROW: If hell froze over.
MIKE: It has, this became a movie.

>
> 30 FREEZE is racing towards the altar and his fallen gun.
> SIX GUARDS rush in through a side door and swarm the
> unarmed Freeze. Mistake.

MIKE: One of many, that's what we're thinking, right guys?
TOM AND CROW: Yeah. Oh yeah.

>
> Freeze begins wailing on the Guards. It's a straight

MIKE: The only straight thing in this script, I bet.
TOM: Wailing? His he shouting at them?

> display of fisticuffs executed with unbelievable speed
> and precision, hooks, jabs, upper and lower cuts

CROW: Actually, they're cold cuts.
MIKE: Ugh . . .

> all
> perfectly delivered, felling the assault force.
>
> 30A FREEZE
> Cop-suey.

TOM: Number-one super guy?

>
> He begins racing again for his gun.

MIKE: It's not about the diamond, it's about the gun, isn't it?
TOM: So it is about the gear . . .

>
> 31 BATMAN AND ROBIN begin a martial arts extrordinaire,
> blocking stick blows, punching and kicking the Icemen.

MIKE: Hockey joke coming . .

>
> 32 THE GEM lays on the ice behind the wall of advancing
> ICEMEN.

TOM: In the end, this is really about a pretty lump of carbon,
isn't it?
CROW: Or chicks, I'm not sure.
MIKE: Or size.

>
> 33/34 BATMAN AND ROBIN grab two assailants, slipping between
> their legs, skates popping out of their boots, as they
> snatch the Icemen's sticks and trip the villains.

CROW: What?
MIKE: I'm not sure what happened.

>
> 35 FREEZE has made it to his gun. He turns, FIRES, creating
> an ice bridge to the floor.

TOM: Great, now he's stealing Iceman's(tm) shtick from Marvel
comics.

>
> FREEZE
> Caution. Bridge may ice over.

MIKE: Kill him! Kill him!
CROW: Mike calm down, we got a long way to go . . .
MIKE: Oh, that helps.

>
> 35A He slides down the ice bridge to the floor below.
> Starts racing for his giant drilling truck.
>
> 36 BATMAN begins skating towards Freeze.
>
> BATMAN
> You get the ice. I'll get the iceman.
>
> 37 ROBIN skates through the Thugs, double sticking,

CROW: Ahem.
TOM: Didn't the Thugs play with the Buzzcocks?

> CHECK-
> ING them wildly into the boards, reaches down and scoops
> up the diamond.
>
> ROBIN
> Sweet.

CROW: Tweet!

>
> 38/39 FREEZE is racing towards his truck, Batman closing fast
> behind him.

MIKE <BATMAN> : Nice glutes! He must work out!

> Freeze spins and FIRES.
>
> 40 BATMAN ducks, using his cape as an ice shield, deflecting
> the beam into a closing Iceman behind him, freezing the
> villain solid.
>
> 41 FREEZE disappears behind the giant brontosaurus.

MIKE: Knowing Schwarzenegger, it's the other way around.

>
> 42 ROBIN skates into line with Batman, both heading fast for
> Freeze.
>
> ROBIN
> (shows the diamond)
> I got mine. Where's yours?

CROW: Later Robin(tm), later . . .
TOM: There is a lot of unsaid sexual chemistry - which I'm glad
goes unsaid . . .

>
> 43 FREZE FIRES his gun, freezing the legs of the mighty
> Brontosaur.
>
> FREEZE
> What killed the dinosaurs? The ice age.

CROW: I thought it was a meteor.
MIKE: Yeah, but this is funny. Well, in theory.

>
> 45/45 Freeze pushes on the belly of the beast, the mighty
> creature toppling forward, EXPLODING in front of Batman
> and Robin.

CROW: It was mined . . .

>
> 46 ROBIN
> He's definitely extinct.
>
> 47/48 BATMAN AND ROBIN skate fast to avoid the debris.

CROW: But not fast enough to avoid the movie.

>
> 49 AN ICEMAN flies in from the side, hitting Robin's hand,
> sending the gem flying free.

TOM <MR. HUMPHREYS> : I'm free!

>
> 50 ANOTHER ICEMAN skates to the gem, HITTING it with his
> stick, sending the diamond flying up onto the landing by
> the front doors.

MIKE: We have hockey sign . . .

>
> 51 FREEZE has made it to his truck, is climbing towards the
> hatch.
>
> 52 THE ICEMEN are a rushing wall between the caped crusaders
> and the gem. Batman and Robin skate toward the villains,
> pulling flagpoles from a display as if they are about to
> joust the Icemen.

TOM: It's Joust the Icemen, live with Men Without Hats and Nitzer
Ebb!

>
> At the last second, Batman and Robin drive their poles
> into the ice,

TOM: Freudian Symbolism Plus!

> vaulting over the heads of the Icemen
> towards the landing and the waiting gem above.
>
> 53 FREEZE has climbed to the hatch of his vehicle.
>
> FREEZE
> Hit me boys.

TOM: Do it! Do it!

>
> 54/55 Batman and Robin land on the landing inches from the gem.
> An Iceman skates from the wings, with a SLAPSHOT, sends
> the diamond flying.
>
> 56 FREEZE'S GLOVE - CLOSE. The diamond HITS. A perfect
> catch.
>
> FREEZE
> Thanks for playing.

TOM <SCHWARZENEGGER> : You win six pounds of Rice-A-Roni as a
consolation gift.

>
> 57 Freeze drops into the cab of his giant drilling truck.
> The hatch starts to slide closed.
>
> 58 BATMAN
> Round up the thugs. I'll get Freeze.

MIKE: We've done this before.
TOM: Yeah, and Robin(tm) STILL kicked your pasty white,
leather-clad, actor-changing ass!

>
> 59/60 Batman leaps onto the banister, slides standing down the
> rail and jumps, dropping into the closing hatch after
> Freeze.

CROW: Then he runs back up and rides back up again. He liked
that!

>
> 61 INT. DRILLING TRUCK - CONTROL CAPSULE

MIKE: Are control capsules like tiny time capsules giving you
control?

>
> A bank of control panels are set inside the giant glass
> head of the drill. Batman falls in to find Freeze standing
> at the main console.
>
> BATMAN
> Stop the insanity.

TOM: Great, the movie is going to be over!

>
> FREEZE
> Nice of you to drop in.
>
> Freeze hits a button. A tremendous ROAR.

CROW: It turns into a mechanical lion.
TOM: It's Voltron!
MIKE: Form Blazing Sword!
TOM: More like form Blazing Saddles . . .

>
> 62 INT. MUSEUM
>
> The capsule, set on the end of an ejection cylinder,
> BLASTS out of the drilling truck, rising like a rocket
> towards the roof.

CROW: No symbolism here!
MIKE: Er, it appears to BE a rocket?
TOM: The scriptwriter hasn't even bothered to inform himself of
his own plans.

> 63 ROBIN jumps on another banister, slides down, grabs a
> banner and swings himself onto the side of the cylinder,
> clutching a porthole ledge and hanging fast.

MIKE: How do you hang fast? You either do it or you don't?
Hanging is binary, you idiot!
TOM: I say hang them high - for a fist full of dollars.

>
> 64 EXT. GOTHAM MUSEUM
>
> The capsule BLOWS through the top of the museum, ROCKETING
> towards the starry night sky above.

CROW: Punching a hole in it!

>
> 65 ZOOM IN. Robin clings to the side of the rocket for dear
> life.

MIKE: See, it is a rocket!
TOM: Only you care, Mike.
CROW: I think Mr. Freeze(tm) thinks Robin(tm) is like one of those
Garfield(tm) sticky things . . .

>
> 66 INT. CAPSULE
>
> Batman is thrown to the floor by the powerful
> acceleration. Freeze stays upright, protected by his
> mighty suit.

CROW: Yeah, neutronium moon boots.
MIKE: Even the laws of physics can't touch Schwarzenegger.

>
> BATMAN
> You were a great scientist once.
> Don't squander your genius on evil.
>
> FREEZE
> I hate being lectured.

TOM: I prefer a Power Point presentation!

>
> 67 Freeze throws Batman, hard,

MIKE: I don't care what his physical condition is . . .

> into the bulkhead, uses his
> pistol, to FREEZE Batman's ankles and wrists to the wall
> in chunks of ice.

CROW: Oooooooooooh! Ice Bondage!
>
> FREEZE
> Watch the numbers, Batman. For they
> are the harbingers of your doom.
>
> 68 ALTIMETER CLOSE. 10,000 feet and climbing fast.

TOM: AUDIENCE CLOSE. LEAVING SLOWLY.

>
> FREEZE
> Can you feel it coming?

MIKE: No, I feel nothing

> The icy cold
> of space. At 30,000 feet your heart
> will freeze and beat no more.

TOM: Ah, like Newt Gingrich's.

>
> THE ALTIMETER CLOSE. 15,000 feet and rising.

MIKE: Is it too late for me to note that I don't care?
TOM: THE AUDIENCE. LEAVING FASTER.

>
> 69 EXT. CAPSULE
>
> Robin has climbed onto the nose-cone. Is struggling

CROW: With his next line!
TOM: Can you imagine the windburn he has?

> against the acceleration, using bat-magnets to crawl
> towards the escape hatch.
>
> 70 INT. CAPSULE
>
> Freeze steps into a glide-wing backpack mounted on the wall.
>
> FREEZE
> After you have frozen, your icy tomb
> will plummet back to Gotham.

TOM <SCHWARZENEGGER> : Followed by a short eulogy.

>
> BATMAN
> Freeze, you're mad. This capsule
> will slaughter thousands.

TOM: And annoy millions.

>
> Freeze releases the door behind him, the sky WHIPPING past
> beyond.
>
> FREEZE
> Ain't it grand? Freeze well.
>
> Freeze leaps out into the night.

MIKE: Weighing over 400 pounds, the glide wing doesn't support him,
he crashes into the city, destroying the Gotham(tm) Arboretum and
ending the movie . . .
TOM: Hallucinate much, Mike?
MIKE: I could use a little more.

>
> 71 EXT. NIGHT SKY
>
> Freeze begins to plummet towards the lights of Gotham
> below.
>
> 72 FREEZE'S BACKPACK - CLOSE. A sleek wing extends from its
> housing.

CROW: However, he put it on sideways, so it slices him in half!

>
> Freeze angles himself downward in mid air, using his
> glide wing to control his fast flight towards the
> distant city.
>
> 73 INT. CAPSULE

CROW: Bright lights. Big city. Bad movie.

>
> 74 The controls, the glass nose-cone, the capsule itself are
> all frosting over. The hatch opens. Robin drops in.
>
> ROBIN
> I was just hanging around.

MIKE: There've already been enough lame one-liners for two movies!

>
> BATMAN
> I thought you were going to stay in
> the museum and round up the thugs.
>
> ROBIN
> How about, nice to see you? Glad
> you're here to save my life.
>
> 75 Robin pulls a laser from his utility belt, FLASH MELTS
> one of his ice-shackles.

CROW: The Flash(tm) is in this movie?

>
> BATMAN
> When we get home, we're having a
> little communication workshop.

CROW <ROBIN> : Not again . . .
TOM: Well, Master means this, Slave means this . . .

>
> Robin FLASH METLS the other ice gauntlet. Batman is free.

TOM: But Robin(tm) costs extra.

>
> ROBIN
> Is it cold in here or is it just me?
>
> 76 ALTIMETER - CLOSE. 20,000 and rising. Ice is forming
> everywhere.

CROW: Not at that speed!

>
> BATMAN
> Got to make sure this rocket doesn't
> turn Gotham into a crater.

MIKE: Who would notice? Metropolis(tm) would just have a party to
celebrate!
TOM: Still speaking in trademark.
MIKE: Yeah, it's like being in the Gary Gygax universe . . .

>
> 77 Batman whips a bat-shaped charge, throws it onto the
> ceiling. An armed light on the charge flashes green.

TOM: The armed light shoots them dead!

>
> ROBIN
> Now what? We call a taxi?

CROW: Hey, we're gonna see Space Cabby!

>
> 78 Batman grabs a handle marked CAUTION: EXPLOSIVE BOLTS.
> Robin smiles, grabs a similar handle on the opposing metal
> door.

CROW: Marked CAUTION: EXPLOSIVE NUTS.

>
> BATMAN
> Watch the first step.
>
> ROBIN
> Surf's up.

CROW: Audience - Interest is down.

>
> 79 Both pull the release handles, leaping onto the capsule
> doors as the EXPLOSIVE bolts BLOW them into space.

CROW: Phallic Symbol Five.
TOM: Yeah, our last best hope for crude symbolism.

>
> 80 THE BATCHARGE LIGHT - CLOSE. Goes red.
>
> 81 EXT. NIGHT SKY - FALLING
>
> As the capsule EXPLODES above them raining falling
> debris, Batman and Robin skyboard on the doors down
> towards...

MIKE: It's Dark Star!

>
> 82 FREEZE is ROCKETING to earth, the diamond in his hand.

MIKE: A song in his heart.

>
> 83/84 OMITTED

ALL: Thank you . . .

>
> 84A BATMAN AND ROBIN race towards Freeze and the city
> below.
>
> The caped crusaders avoid skyscraper turrets and elevated
> bridges as they follow in Freeze's wake.

TOM: But the billboards get them . . .

>
> 84B BATMAN swoops down above the villain, pushing off his
> skyboard, grabbing Freeze around the neck, the diamond
> flying into mid air.
>
> 85 ROBIN maneuvers in a grand flip, grabs the falling gem.

CROW: Robin(tm) makes a mistake and grabs Freeze's(tm) family
jewels instead!

>
> 86/87 FREEZE releases his glide pack buckle,

MIKE: His pants fall off . . .

> dislodging Batman,
> the hero and the glide pack spinning away from Freeze.
>
> 88 BATMAN dumps the glide pack, arcs back into his rushing
> drop.

MIKE: I think we'd have to see the film to make sense of this . . .

>
> 89-91 OMITTED

CROW: And those were the scenes that explained the whole movie.

>
> 92 FREEZE is descending fast towards the giant smoking
> 93 chimney of a towering industrial complex.

TOM: Phallic symbol six or so . .

> He aims his gun
> at the smoking toward and FIRES, the fast maw quickly
> covering with snow.

MIKE: Fast Maw . . .
CROW: Hang on Maw, we're going fast!

>
> 94 Freeze plummets into the snowy chimney.
>
> 95 BATMAN AND ROBIN drop into the ice shaft after the
> villain.
>
> 96 FREEZE FIRES his gun as he falls, slowing his descent by
> turning the chimney into a madly snaking tunnel of ice
> before him.

MIKE: And this accomplishes . . . what?
TOM: Employing special effects people.

>
> 96A-96D OMITTED

MIKE: And here's where skating stops terminal velocity.

>
> 97 BATMAN AND ROBIN tumble head first through layers of snow
> after the villain. They pull their Batgrapples and FIRE.
>
> 98 BATGRAPPLES - CLOSE. Hit the wall. Catch.

MIKE: I can just see Green Lantern(tm) up there, looking at all
this spaceborne mess, and thinking 'Not My Problem.'

>
> 99 BATMAN AND ROBIN use their tethers to slow their descent,
> landing hard in...
>
> 100 INT. INDUSTRIAL BASEMENT
>
> A long submarine-like corridor
>
> ROBIN
> Cool. Can we do that again?

MIKE: No young man, and if you ask again, we're going RIGHT back to
the Batcave!

>
> 101 Batman and Robin race towards Freeze who is fleeing down
> the other end of the corridor. he points his gun at the
> ceiling. FIRES.
>
> 102 The sprinkler system pipes EXPLODE, forming a mighty,
> intense blizzard in the wind-tunnel.
>
> 103 BATMAN
> Sudden temperature drop. Watch out
> for the...

TOM: Tree!
MIKE: It's George of the Clooney!

> 104 A blast of wind ROARS down the tunnel, SLAMMING the
> doors, sending snow and ice whipping towards them
>
> BATMAN
> Wind.

CROW: Sorry. Lentils.

>
> 105 Batman and Robin WHIP their capes over their faces,

MIKE: And each other . . .

> push
> forward, fighting the storm, going through the doors one
> by one.
>
> 106 INT. BOILER ROOM
>
> Frozen. At the terminus of the tunnel. A frozen boiler
> stands in the center of the icy moat of the building's
> INTERNAL RESERVOIR. The door swings open, Batman pushing
> inside.
>
> 107 Freeze flies from behind the door, SLAMMING the metal
> portal hard into Batman's face.

TOM: Making George Clooney marginally more attractive.

> Batman tumbles forward.
>
> 108 Freeze raises his gun. Another figure leaps in from the
> hallway, going for Freeze. Robin.

MIKE: Hey, now Robin's(tm) going for Freeze(tm)! Evolving
relationships here . . .

>
> 109 Freeze FIRES, turning the boy into a frozen sculpture of
> ice. He plucks the diamond from his icy hand.
>
> 109A EXT. CROSS SECTION OF GOTHAM CITY-VFX
>
> A schematic map of Gotham. Freeze's vehicle burrows
> underneath the city, freezing the firmament in its path

CROW: Firmament? Firmament? That's SKY you moron!

> and clearing away the debris, heading towards the boiler
> room.
>
> 110 INT. BOILER ROOM
>
> (OVER) a RUMBLING.

TOM: I think I need more time to get over the Rumbling.
CROW: Tom, the only way over the Rumbling is through it.

> Suddenly the wall EXPLODES. Freeze's
> drilling truck appears in the clearing smoke.
>
> 111 FREEZE
> Can you be cold, Batman? You have
> eleven minutes to thaw the bird.
> What will you do, chase the villain
> or save the boy?

MIKE <BATMAN> : Frankly, I'd rather chase the boy and save the
villain!
>
> Freeze leaps onto the giant vehicle.

TOM: What is it with sizes in this thing!
CROW: It's about the gear.
TOM: Oh, I forgot.

>
> FREEZE
> Your emotions make you weak. That is
> why this day is mine.
> (smile)
> Stay cool, bats.
>
> 112 And Freeze is gone, sealing the tunnel hole after him
> with a blast of ice, clearing the frosted pane to wave
> goodbye.

MIKE: Probably with one finger.

>
> 113 Batman moves fast to the boy wonder, touches his frozen
> skin.

ALL: Ooooooooooooooohhhhhhhhhh!

> He whips out his bat-laser, points at the icy
> reservoir and FIRES.
>
> 114 THE RESERVOIR - CLOSE. The frozen water melts, begins to
> SIMMER.
>
> 115 The caped crusader immerses Robin in the steaming sea.

MIKE: He's a Baptist! <EVENGELIST VOICE> : Do you renounce the
Joker and all his works!

> 115A Under the water, the boy's face is perfectly still.
>
> 116 A long beat. Then Robin's head breaks the surface.
> COUGHING. Alive

TOM: Unfortunately the rest of him is dead.
MIKE: Makes me wonder what happened to poor old Jan after we became
pure energy.

>
> ROBIN
> Did we get him?
>
> 117 EXT. SOUTH AMERICAN RAIN FOREST - NIGHT

CROW: Exterior of the South American Rain Forest? Where is this,
Mexico?
TOM: Jeez, welcome to Movie II.

>
> (OVER) THUNDER. Lighting flashes on a maze of tends and
> tarpaulins affixed to the ruins of a decaying PRISON MORTE.

MIKE: Then lightning closes its trenchcoat.

> A "FOR SALE OR LEASE" sign is illuminated by the storm.
>
> SCREEN READS - Meanwhile, somewhere in the South American
> Jungle...

CROW: We search for a more interesting plot.

>
> 118 INT. TENTED GREENHOUSE LAB - NIGHT
>
> Bunsen Burners flicker. Beakers BUBBLE.

ALL <AS BEAKER:> MeeMeeMeeMeeMeeMeeMeeMeeMeeMeeMeeMeeMeeMee

> Martha Stewart
> does Fankenstein.

MIKE: Ewwwwwwwwwwwwwww!
TOM: Woah, you won't see THAT on Spice!

>
> PAMELA ISLEY, lovely features hidden by a glasses and bad
> hair, shape obscured by her lab coat, TALKS into a
> cylindrical micro-recorder.

MIKE <AGENT COOPER> : Diane . . .

>
> PAMELA
> I still have high hopes for the
> animal plant cross-breedings

TOM <PAMELA> : But the plants will just not go out with me!
MIKE: You know, she used to practice animal husbandry - until they
caught her at it . . .

>
> Pam surveys the two lab tables. One table is a mass of plants.
> The other is covered with tanks of spiders, snakes and
> scorpions. Tubes run from the lethal beasts into a jar of
> milky fluid labeled VENOM.

TOM: Generic venom. Cheaper than regular venom.

> More tubes run from the Venom
> jar into the plants. One plant twitches as it receives the
> toxins.

MIKE: Oh, yeah, gimme some more, gimme some more Huggy Bear . . .
TOM: This may just be me, but I think it's wrong to teach plants
to shoot up.

>
> PAMELA
> If I can only find the correct dose
> of Venom, these plants will be able
> to fight back like animals.

TOM: By polluting the environment and decimating the ecosphere!

> I will have given flora a chance against
> the thoughtless ravages of man.

MIKE: Yet we have no protection from the thoughtless ravages of
this script . . .

>
> (OVER) An agonized SCREAM.

TOM: The audience realizes what it paid to see.

> Terrified, Pam walks towards
> the source of the WAILS, a gothic prison door to which the
> tent is affixed. The portal is marked: PROJECT GILGAMESH.

TOM: And PROJECT LUSCIOUS JACKSON.

>
> PAMELA
> Personal note: my work would proceed
> faster if Dr. Woodrue weren't always
> whisking my Venom samples back to
> his mysterious Gilgamesh Wing. Why
> won't he let me into his lab?

MIKE: His lab has a "No Girls Allowed" sign like the Little
Rascals.

>
> (OVER) Another blood-curdling SCREAM. Pam turns off the
> recorder.

TOM: By showing it Molly Sugden naked.

>
> PAM
> What is he doing in there?
>
> 119 Just then the door opens, a startled Pam dropping her
> recorder as lightning flashes and DOCTOR JASON WOODRUE
> ENTERS. Einstein's hair. Manson's eyes.

TOM: Oppenheimer's belly.

>
> WOODRUE
> Dr. Isley, loveliest flower in our
> garden. How fare our little wards?

MIKE: And our little Junes and our little Wallys?

>
> Woodrue moves in, too close, backing Pam against her
> worktable, his face inches from hers. He spots the jar of
> Venom.

TOM: Got some bourbon? This stuff goes great with that!

>
> WOODRUE
> What do we have here? A lovely new
> supply of Venom.
> (lifts the jar)
> I'll just take this to my laboratory
> for further study.
>
> PAMELA
> What exactly are you working on in
> there? What are those screams?
>
> A bright flash of lightning.

CROW: Which, unfortunately, didn't strike the writer.

> Woodrune advances on Pam.

TOM: Geez, by now he's behind her.

>
> WOODRUE
> How I'd love to share my secrets with
> you. But I ask you, sweet sapling,

TOM: Oh, my little ragweed of joy.
MIKE: This guy has all the romantic skill of Earthworm Jim . . .

> can you be trusted? You refuse my
> invitations to dine. You hide your
> honeyed buds behind these sallow robes.

ALL: Eeeeeewwwww!

>
> (OVER) More lightning and ever more deafening THUNDER.

TOM: Thunder! Thunder! Thunder . . . ah, forget it.

>
> WOODRUE
> Ah, but there's romance in the air
> tonight. Perhaps a moonlit stroll in
> the jungle. And then, later, in the
> dark, we can share everything.

TOM: Will you guys mind if I throw up?
MIKE: No, just warn us so we can join in

>
> Woodrue has her up against the wall, his twitching lips
> only inches from hers. Pam winces, manages to step away.
> (OVER) another SCREAM.

MIKE: With Drew Barrymore.

>
> PAMELA
> You have to tell me what you're
> doing with my Venom.

MIKE: Pam, maybe we don't want to find out.
CROW: Yeah, Pam, some things go better unsaid.

>
> WOODRUE
> (nasty)

TOM: Nasty as he wants to be - which is PLENTY in this case.

> You must show me your secrets,
> blossom, before I show you mine.

CROW: Oh, yuck, now he's hitting on Blossom!

>
> 120 Pam watches him leave. As the door to the Gilgamesh wing
> swings closed, Pam kicks her fallen recorder, the metal
> cylinder rolling between door and jamb, keeping the
> entrance from sealing.
>
> 121 INT. LABS - GILGAMESH SECTION - WALKING
>
> Pam steals through the crumbling hallway of the abandoned
> prison following the SCREAMS (OVER) as they grow ever
> LOUDER.

TOM <PAMELA> : That poor audience, I must save them from my film .
.

>
> 122 INT. LABS - GILGAMESH CHAMBER
>
> Banks of flashing SuperCrays. A gurney is surrounded by
> SPARKING and HUMMING equipment. Frankestein meets
> Frankenstien.

TOM: In a battle to save Frankenstein from the Amazing Rando!

>
> Woodrue emerges from the shadows, a portable phone in
> hand.
>
> WOODRUE
> Ladies and gentlemen of the
> un-United Nations.
> (into the phone)
> And our mystery bidder.

TOM: Who is busy draining his mystery bladder, but will be with us
shortly.

>
> 123 Pull BACK TO REVEAL
>
> A small bridge arcs over the room. AN AMERICAN GENERAL,
> A RUSSIAN COMMISSAR, A SHEIK, and A DICTATOR all watch on
> from above.

TOM: Where do you get a generic Dictator?
CROW: Sams club.

>
> WOODRUE
> I give you the future of military conquest.

MIKE: This script!

>
> A scrawny PRISONER in a too-large tank suit is dragged
> into the room by several gun-toting CAPOS and shackled to
> the gurney. His bald skull is adorned with three
> surgically implanted ducts.

MIKE AND TOM: Quack, quack . . .
CROW: He wrote "ducts" guys.

>
> WOODRUE
> May I present Antonio Diego, serial
> murderer serving life in prison and
> sole surviving volunteer.

TOM: He killed Snap, Crackle, and Pop!

>
> Diego SPITS.
>
> WOODRUE
> And what a charmer he is.

MIKE: I hope this doesn't have a swimsuit competition.

>
> 124 WIDER. Pam slips in, unseen, hides behind a stack of
> circuit boxes, watching on as Woodrue lifts the jar of
> milky Venom.

TOM: It was a very good hour . . .

>
> WOODRUE
> The super solder serum,

MIKE: Let's hope Marvel forgets this . . .

> code named
> Venom, patent pending of course.
>
> Woodrue pours the venom into a high-tech injector pack
> strapped to the back of the gurney.

TOM: So easy a child can use it!

> He lifts an open-front
> black and white mask attached by snaking tubes to the
> injector pack.
>
> WOODRUE
> Notice the hassle free zipper.

TOM: And the one on my pants . . .

>
> He pulls the oversized mask over Diego's head, tubes fitting
> into the ducts in his skull, zips the fabric closed over his
> face.

CROW: Do we have ENOUGH bondage themes yet?

>
> WOODRUE
> (lifts a remote)

TOM: Who wants to watch wrestling from Thailand?

> Time to scream.

ALL:
Aiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiigggggggggggggggggggggghhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!

>
> He hits a control stud

TOM: Named "Thad."

> on the remote. The injector pack
> begins PUMPING the milky Venom into Diego's skull. Diego
> SCREAMS.

TOM: Oh, he didn't mean us.
>
> 125 Something strange happens to the prisoner.

MIKE: He outsmarts Number Two and escapes!

> His chest
> begins to enlarge. His neck becomes thick. his forearms grow.

MIKE: He's turning into "El Santo!"

>
> WOODRUE
> Behold, the ideal killing machine. I
> call this little number...Bane. Bane
> of humanity. Imagine it, your own
> personal army made up of thousands
> of these super soldiers. Bidding
> begins at a mere 10 million.

MIKE: Ten million what?

>
> Woodrue ups the Venom flow. Impossibly the prisoner grows
> larger. Arm and leg shackles SNAP. Bane lurches for the
> Venom pump, SMASHING consoles, SPARKING components raining
> down around Pam.

CROW: But they won't stick if it's Pam!

>
> PAM SCREAMS.
>
> As Capos rush to subdue Bane, Woodrue strides to the dazed
> Pam.
>
> WOODRUE
> Welcome to my parlor.

MIKE: Said the psycho to the Flygirl . . .
TOM: Nicely done!
MIKE: Thank you. It keeps my mind off the need I feel to kill
myself!

>
> 126 INT. CORRIDOR - WALKING

CROW: The entire corridor is walking? What is it, the corridor of
Baba Yaga?
MIKE: Maybe it's the earlier one.

>
> Woodrue is escorting a nervous Pam back towards her lab.
>
> WOODRUE
> ...Our original sponsor had no
> stomach for military applications.
> he cut the funding for our work -

TOM: And the audience has no stomach for this film . . .

>
> PAMELA
> Our work?

MIKE: Woah. HR really wiffed it with Pam here, didn't they?

>
> WOODRUE
> Without your research, I could never
> have come this far. Join me. The two
> of us, entwined, side by side...

MIKE <Announcer> : Never has heterosexuality been this unappealing.

>
> They have arrived at Pam's workshop. Woodrue opens the
> door.
>
> 127 INT. PAMELA'S WORKSHOP - CONTINUOUS

CROW: Continuous. So the rest of the film will be in here?

>
> PAMELA
> Join you? I've spent my life trying
> to protect plants from extinction
> and now you corrupt my research into
> some maniacal scheme for world
> domination.

TOM <BRAIN> : What are we going to do tonight, Pamela?

> When I get through you
> won't be able to get a job teaching
> high school chemistry, do you hear
> me, you psycho?

TOM <WOODRUE> : Huh? Did you say something.

>
> WOODRUE
> Well, I can respect your opinion.

MIKE: But not your taste in clothes.

>
> Woodrue shoves Pam viciously backwards into the inter-
> connected tables, plants and poisonous beasts raining
> down on top of her.

TOM <SINGING> : It's raining snakes!

>
> WOODRUE
> Sadly, I'm not good at rejection.

MIKE: Or acting, or finance, or calculus.

>
> Woodrue begins pulling shelves of cages and BUBBLING
> beakers

ALL <AS BEAKER:> MeeMeeMeeMeeMeeMeeMeeMeeMeeMeeMeeMeeMeeMee

> CRASHING down atop the struggling Pam, burying her
> and all her specimens entirely.

MIKE: Ewwww!
TOM: Looks like Pam's buried in her work! Bada-bing!

>
> WOODRUE
> I'm afraid you'll have to die.

MIKE <Pam> : Do you expect me to act? <Villainous> No, Miss Isley, I
expect you to die!

>
> 128 WOODRUE - CLOSE. Smiles as the SOUNDS of Pam's struggle
> are finally silenced. He turns, heading back into the
> hallway.
>
> WOODRUE
> (loud)
> Fellow maniacs, bidding begins!

MIKE: I wonder if 10,000 maniacs will be bidding?

>
> 129 INT. BATCAVE - NIGHT
>
> Bruce stands with Dick

ALL <STARE>

> , now wrapped in a blanket

ALL <START CHUCKLING>

> , steaming mug in hand,

ALL <GIGGLING>

> watching the main monitor.

ALL <LAUGHING UPRORIOUSLY>
CROW: It's the new breakfast treat, Dicks in a blanket!

>
> BRUCE
> Gotham University Labs. Security
> video. Two years ago.

TOM: Could you get one?

>
> 130 SCREEN - CLOSE. The image of a dazzling hi-tech lab-
> oratory. A beautiful young woman (NORA FRIES) lays on
> a gurney.

TOM: You want Fries with that? Bada-bing!

> A SCIENTIST works a bank of controls over a
> SMOKING vat of cryonic solution. Handsome, the intense
> gaze of genius, the man Freeze once was.

TOM: Before Schwarzenegger played him, you mean.
MIKE: That's pretty low, Tom.
>
> BRUCE
> Dr. Victor Fries Two time Olympic
> Decathelete. Nobel Prize winner in
> molecular biology.

CROW: Denture wearer.

> After his wife
> contracted a rare disease, McGregor's
> Syndrome,

TOM: Which you get from standing too near a plot device.

> he hoped to freeze her in
> cryogenic sleep until he could
> discover a cure. Here's where
> everything goes north.

MIKE: Oh, very sensitive, Brucie-poo!

>
> Alarms flash. A panel EXPLODES.

TOM: He shouldn't have used the spare panels off of the Star Trek
set.

> Fries is BLOWN into the
> vat of cryogenic solution.
>
> BRUCE
> That liquid is fifty below.

MIKE: Wholesale!

>
> Fries SCREEAMS, engulfed in the mists of the cryonic
> solution, his skin now frozen, bluish, his hair brittle,
> all but gone.
>
> DICK
> That's gotta hurt.

TOM: No, it gives one a feeling of soothing relief. OF COURSE IT
HURTS YOU MORON!

>
> BRUCE
> Somehow he survived. But the
> cryoslution mutated his body.

MIKE: You think!?!?!?!

>
> 131 The display shows a turning schematic of Fries.

TOM <BRITISH> : And now a display of Mr. Freeze's(tm) naughty bits
. .
> DICK
> What happened to his wife?

CROW: Like he cares.
TOM: She settled down with Captain Cold after the Flash beat him
once too much.

>
> BRUCE
> Presumed dead. No one knows.
>
> The display now shows a turning Mr. Freeze. Compartments
> in both suit sleeves are highlighted, flashing diamond
> shapes within.

TOM: And clubs on his ankles.

>
> BRUCE
> He needs extreme cold to survive.
> His cryo-suit uses diamond enhanced
> lasers to keep him at zero degrees.

TOM: . . . of Kevin Bacon.
MIKE: Lasers? Oh, that's effective for creating cooling.

>
> DICK
> Let me get this straight.

CROW: Good luck . . .

> A brilliant citizen,

TOM: Or Mr. Freeze(tm).

> disfigured by a
> horrible accident, re-emerges as a
> psychotic super-villain bent on
> theft, revenge and destruction.
> You see a pattern here?

MIKE: Only that we did this last film.

>
> BRUCE
> Maybe it's something in the water.
>
> Bruce returns Dick's smile.

TOM: Here, you dropped this.

>
> BRUCE
> Well, if it's ice the iceman wants...Alfred!
>
> 132 INT. COSTUME VALUT - CONTINUOUS
>
> Alfred stands near the costumes,

TOM: Becoming Butlerman!

> clutching a console, a man in intense pain.

MIKE: He saw the film too.

> He lets the wave subside, regains his
> composure.
>
> 133 INT. BATCAVE - CONTINUOUS
>
> Alfred emerges as if nothing were wrong.

MIKE: But he read the script, so he's faking it!

>
> BRUCE
> I need the Wayne Diamonds.

CROW: He's going for the family jewels!

>
> DICK
> We gonna trap ourselves a snowman?

TOM <BATMAN> : No, build one, it's called art therapy!

>
> BRUCE
> Absolutely. Just as soon as you take
> ten hours training in the simulator.

TOM: So THAT'S what he calls it.

>
> DICK
> Woah, I made a mistake. I'm sorry.
> Don't go all protective on me. It
> won't happen again.
>
> BRUCE
> Dick, you were reckless. You could
> have been killed.

MIKE: And Bruce could have been what, mildly wounded.

>
> DICK
> I'm fine. See. Me. here. Alive.

MIKE: Dick alive. Jane alive. Spot alive.

> How are we gonna work together if
> you're never going to trust me?
>
> ALFRED
> How, indeed?
>
> Bruce stares at the two of them. He smiles a wry smile.
>
> BRUCE
> When did I become the bad guy?

TOM: When you replaced Val Kilmer, but I kind of blame Frank
Miller as well.

>
> 134 INT. BACK STAIRCASE - WALKING
>
> Bruce and Alfred travel the winding stair that leads from
> the Batcave to the top of the house.

MIKE: The entrance changes with each actor . . .

>
> BRUCE
> He's over-eager, impulsive. I can't
> trust him not to get hurt.
>
> ALFRED
> Perhaps the truth is you don't
> really trust anyone.

MIKE: Perhaps you're plotting against me Alfred!

>
> BRUCE
> Don't tell me you're on his side.
> Again.

TOM <ROCKY> : Again!

>
> ALFRED
> Despite all your talents, you
> are still a novice in the ways of family.

CROW: With a capital 'F'

> Dick follows the same ends as you

ALL <LAUGH>

> but gets there by his own course. You
> must learn to trust him. For that
> is the nature of family.

MIKE: They have said more in one paragraph . . .

>
> They step through a doorway into...
>
> 135 INT. ALFRED'S QUARTERS - NIGHT - CONTINUOUS

MIKE: The stairway to the Batcave goes to Alfred's bedroom.
TOM <BATMAN> : Sorry Alfred, sorry whoever you are! Just heading
for the Batcave!

>
> BRUCE
> I trust you, Alfred.
>
> Alfred seems oddly pained by Bruce's words.
>
> ALFRED
> But I shan't be here forever.

MIKE <ALFRED> : If I'm lucky.

>
> Bruce stares at Alfred a beat. But Alfred just smiles.
>
> ALFRED
> Good night, Master Bruce.

MIKE <ALFRED> : So this is it, I'm going to die.

>
> 135A EXT. WAYNE MANOR - HALLWAY
>
> Bruce EXITS his butler's room. Looks to the end of the
> hallway.
>
> 135B A YOUNGER BRUCE, no older than ten comes racing around
> the corner, trips, tumbling to the wooden floor. Another
> figure steps out behind him. ALFRED, decades younger,

MIKE: So only about 90 then.

> kneels by the boy, brushing off his knees, giving the boy comfort.

TOM: Southern Comfort!
CROW: Bruce is about twenty years younger, and Alfred is DECADES
younger?

>
> 135C BACK TO SCENE
>
> BRUCE - CLOSE. Blinks away the images from the past,

CROW: Get away from me you pesky past!

> only the
> fragile ghosts of memory, moves off down the empty hallway.
>
> 135D INT. ALFRED'S QUARTERS - NIGHT

TOM: ALFRED'S NICKLES - DAY.

>
> Alfred sit at his computer, activates the screen. he
> lifts a CD, slips in into the disk drive, begins to TYPE.

MIKE <ALFRED> : Time to play "Porno Pirates From Pluto" CD-ROM
interactive.

>
> COMPUTER
> Override engaged. Copying protected
> files.
>
> Alfred lifts a micro-recorder.
>
> ALFRED
> Still unable to reach you. have
> vital information you must see...

MIKE <ALFRED> : Bruce is so flipping deranged, Mr. Jung.

>
> 136 SCREEN - CLOSE. The files Alfred is copying. Batmobile
> design. Batsuit schematics. All downloading onto the small
> disk.

TOM: He's got one hell of a Zip drive!

>
> 137 EXT. SOUTH AMERICAN JUNGLE - PRISON MORTE - NIGHT
>
> A full moon shines over the hidden complex.

TOM: Put your pants back on, Dr. Woodrue!

>
> 138 INT. TENTED GREENHOUSE LAB
>
> Woodrue stands at Pam's workstation, TALKING on his
> portable phone as he rifles through her research.

MIKE: Pow!
TOM: Blam!

>
> WOODRUE
> Yes, sir, I'm so pleased you won the
> bidding, Your Supreme Ruthlessness..

MIKE: Thank you Mr. Ming, or may I call you Merciless?

>
> (OVER) Bane SCREAMS in the distance.

CROW: Thank you sir, may I have another?

>
> WOODRUE
> We're making the final modifications
> on Bane right now.

TOM: You wanted the eight-track tape player, right?

> We'll have a
> thousand super soldiers out to you
> tomorrow by overnight mail...
>
> 139 He hangs up. HOLD on a patch of ivy in the b.g. Perfectly
> still. Suddenly the leaves RUSTLE, as if being moved from
> beneath.

MIKE: Because they probably are . . .

>
> Woodrue turns as a figure BURSTS, fast, from beneath the
> brush.

TOM: Do not bring your evil here! Get out of the script!

>
> Magenta hair. Chlorophyll green eyes. Ravaged clothes
> revealing the form and demeanor of a goddess. The woman
> who was once Pamela Isley smiles, moves forward.

TOM: It's Swamp Thang!

>
> WOODRUE
> Dr. Isley? Pamela? You look great.
> Especially for a dead woman.

MIKE <WOODRUE> : I prefer them dead, you know . . .

>
> PAMELA
> Hello, Jason. I think I've had a
> change of heart.
>
> Her lips glisten. She leans in and kisses him.

ALL: Eeeeeeeeeeeewwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww!
MIKE: So whatever happened to her reduced her sense of taste . . .

>
> PAMELA
> Quite literally. I don't think I'm
> human anymore. The animal-plant
> toxins had a rather unique effect on
> me. They replaced my blood with
> alone, my skin with chlorophyll and
> fill my lips with Venom.

CROW: Exposition for fun and profit.
TOM: So if you have sunburn, rub Uma Thurman over your body.
MIKE: That'd make ME feel better.

>
> Woodrue begins to CHOKE. He falls, clutching his throat.
>
> PAMELA
> Oh, and Jason? One other thing.
> Silly me, I probably should have
> mentioned this earlier. I'm poison.
> (shrugs)
> It's a jungle in here.
>
> 140 Pam spills beakers of chemicals onto the floor.

ALL <AS BEAKER:> MeeMeeMeeMeeMeeMeeMeeMeeMeeMeeMeeMeeMeeMee

> She
> throws a Bunsen burner to the ground, the lab suddenly in
> flames.
>
> PAMELA
> Let the flames touch the sky.

MIKE: 'Scuse me while I touch the sky!

> For I am nature's arm, her spirit, her will.

TOM: Her toenails.
CROW: Her buttocks.
MIKE: Her left ankle.

> Hell, I am mother nature.
> The time has come for plants to take
> back the world so rightfully ours.
> Because it's not nice to fool with
> mother nature.
>
> Something catches Pam's eye.

MIKE: And rips it from the socket.

> Pam lifts a broken beaker
> On it, the Wanye Enterprises logo. (OVER) Bane SCREAMS
> in the distance.
>
> PAMELA
> Coming, Bane darling. We've got a
> plane to catch.
>
> 141 EXT. SNOWY CONES ICE CREAM FACTORY - NIGHT

CROW <TOM> : Mmmmmmmmmm. Ice cream!

>
> An abandoned ice cream factory built in the shape of a
> snowman's face, a dripping cone stuck onto the giant
> snowball head.

TOM: They offed Frosty!

>
> 142 INT. SNOWY CONES ICE CREAM FACTORY
>
> Abandoned. Always freezing. Ice sculpture everywhere.
> Freeze walks the bowels of the old factory.

ALL: Eeeeeeeeeeeeeewwwwwwwwwwwww!
TOM: Wait, if he's here, it's not abandoned!
MIKE: Where do they get the electricity? Or is Gotham(tm) Electric
REALLY incompetent?

>
> ICEMEN in parkas and SNOW BUNNIES eat frozen dinners,
> GUFFAWING as they watch TV. The SEXIEST BUNNY sidles up
> to Freeze.

MIKE: She's the sexiest bunny of them all.
TOM AND CROW: Aaaaaaaaaaaawwwww!

>
> BUNNY
> Freezy, I'm feeling...hot.

MIKE: Down, Thumper, down!

>
> FREEZE
> I find that unlikely.
>
> BUNNY
> Okay, my hair is brittle, my skin
> is dry and I don't care. I'd
> weather blizzards to have you.
> You're the most perfect man I've
> ever known.

MIKE: What standards does this woman use?!?!

>
> FREEZE
> To be frozen. To never change. A
> life of perpetual ice-olation.
> There is little perfection in that.
>
> BUNNY
> (pushing closer)
> What say we turn up the heat?

MIKE: What say we turn up the writing?

>
> FREEZE
> You're skating on thin ice. My
> passion thaws for my bride alone.
>
> BUNNY
> Forget your frosty femme. These lips
> are wet and ready to get frostbite.

ALL: Eeeeeeeeeeeewwwwwwwwwww!

>
> FREEZE
> Hop away little bunny. Before I
> cool your jets. Permanently.
>
> The Bunny storms off.

TOM: What's wrong with this picture?
MIKE: Everything, Tom, everything!

>
> FREEZE
> I wonder how cold I can get my
> shower...Frosty!
>
> Freeze's faithful aide, FROSTY, appears by his side.

TOM: Happy Birthday!

>
> FREEZE
> Everyone is always having a good
> time. Except me.

MIKE: And the audience.

> Try as I might, can find no pleasure.

TOM: We can relate.

> Perhaps my
> heart truly has turned to ice.
>
> 143 Freeze lifts his gun and FIRES, freezing Frosty solid.
>
> FREEZE
> Well, that was fun. There's hope for
> me yet.

MIKE: No there's not.

>
> 143A Freeze stares at his frozen aide a beat, changes the
> setting on his gun and FIRES, a THAWING BEAM melting
> Frosty so he stands now, soaked and dripping like a wet cat.

CROW: Meow!

>
> 143B Freeze turns on his heel. Frosty follows him past
> mounting files of research. Scrawled schematics An icy
> workshop.

MIKE: Where he makes toys for all the bad little girls and boys.

>
> FREEZE
> Do you think I'm mad, Frosty?

TOM <FROSTY> : I think you're pissed.

>
> FROSTY
> (wringing out his sleeves)
> That's really a judgment call, boss.

TOM: I vote mad.
CROW: Me to.
MIKE: And me.

>
> 144 OMITTED
>
> 145 A flashing display on his suit watch reads LOW POWER.
>
> FREEZE
> Battling the bat exhausted my power.
>
> From a safe, Freeze takes three small diamonds,

MIKE: Two turtledoves.
TOM AND CROW: And a partridge in a pear tree.

> place
> them in the suit compartment. His power levels spike to
> normal.

TOM: In the end zone!

>
> FREEZE
> But I was successful nevertheless.
>
> 146 Freeze continues to a pedestal atop which sits a machine
> powered by two giant diamonds.

CROW: Powered? Are they running on a treadmill?

> Slots for two more diamonds
> are empty. He removes the giant stolen diamond from within
> his tunic, place the gem in an empty third slot.
>
> FREEZE
> One more giant diamond of this size
> and my freezing cannon will be
> complete.

MIKE: Sure it will.

> I will hold Gotham ransom.
> Unless the city bows to my demands,
> it's winter forever here in goat-town.

CROW: And never Christmas.
TOM: Goat town?

> The city fathers will have no choice
> but to give me the billions I need
> to complete my research,

CROW: What does he know about city finances?

> to find the
> cure for...

TOM: The movie.

>
> 146 Freeze has come to a frozen wall.

MIKE: And so has the plot.

>
> FREEZE
> Leave us. We need quality time.
>
> 147 OMITTED
>
> 148 As Frosty EXITS in the b.g., Freeze enters a walk-in
> freezer, lifts a frozen dinner box. A SECRET VAULT opens.
> Freezes steps into...

TOM: Gomez Adam's vault!
CROW: Babushka!

>
> 148A INT. FREEZE'S SUBTERRANEAN COLD VAULT
>
> Within, a computerized glacier-like sarcophagus bears his
> frozen wife, a snowflake pendant around her neck.

MIKE: I hope she's wearing more - unless she looks like Maria
Shriver!

>
> FREEZE
> (touches the glass)
> Soon we will be together once more.
>
> Freeze turns towards his research, heading back to work.
>
> FREEZE
> Nothing frustrates a man like a
> frigid wife.

MIKE: Funny. Ha.
TOM: Come on, let's take a break.

[THEY EXIT]

[BRIDGE OF SOL. MIKE, CROW, AND TOM ENTER]

MIKE: <SIGHS>

CROW: <SIGHS>

TOM:<SIGHS>

MIKE: <LOOKS AT CROW>

CROW: <LOOKS AT MIKE>

MIKE and CROW: <SIGH>

MIKE: <LOOKS AT TOM>

TOM: <LOOKS AT MIKE>

MIKE and TOM: <SIGH>

TOM: <LOOKS AT CROW>

CROW: <LOOKS AT TOM>

TOM and CROW: <SIGH>

ALL: <SIGH>

[MOVIE SIGN LIGHTS FLASH. THE CREW DEJECTEDLY HEADS FOR THE THEATER]

[SOL THEATER. MIKE AND COMPANY SLOUCH INTO THE THEATER]

>
> 149 INT. LIMBO - NIGHT

CROW: Limbo, limbo, limbo!

>
> Robin is fighting Mr. Freeze and his cronies. Robin
> delivers a fast set of spinning kicks to the Thugs,
> felling them like toys.

MIKE: Unfortunately, Weebles, so they pop back up!

>
> 150 A Thug carrying a large diamond breaks free, racing away.

TOM: Thugs in "Breaking Away!"

> Robin leaps for the escaping Thug, putting his back to
> Freeze.
>
> 151 Freeze raises his joined fists high above Robin's head,
> coming down fast. Robin is done for.

CROW: We should hope . . .

>
> 152 Suddenly Batman swing out of the dark,

MIKE: And out of the closet.

> his boots flying
> into Freeze's chest,

TOM: Barefooted, he skids into a corner.

> sending the villain hard to the
> ground.
>
> 153 Batman drops to Freeze's chest, HAMMERS a series of
> punches into his tunic, rendering him unconscious.

TOM: So Batman(tm) knocked himself unconscious? Did he hit
Freeze(tm) with his head?

> Batman
> looks up at Robin.
>
> 154 BATMAN
> We'll be starting again now.

MIKE: So just keep dancing . . .

>
> 155 Just then Freeze's hand shoots up, grabbing Batman by the
> throat.
>
> 156 BATMAN
> Pause virtual reality simulation.
>
> PUSH IN as Batman reaches towards his cowl. SCREEN WIPES
> TO REVEAL...

TOM: The writer, going "Ahhhh, I'll just do this."

>
> 157 BRUCE WAYNE - CLOSE. Pulls off a pair of VR goggles.

CROW: My gosh, Bruce Wayne is Batman(tm)!
TOM: Oh, and I thought it was Billy Batson(tm)!

>
> WIDER

CROW: Bigger!
TOM: Smaller!
MIKE: Patheticer . . .

>
> Bruce and Dick, also in VR goggles, stand on an empty
> platform in the back of the Batcave.
>
> DICK
> I got the diamond. Quell problemo, Bruce?

MIKE <GOMEZ> : Oh, Dicky, you spoke Spanish . . .

>
> BRUCE
> You left your back wide open.

MIKE: Uh-huh.

> Freeze
> could have killed you.

TOM <ROBIN> : If I was lucky . . .

>
> 158 Dick demonstrates a spinning back kick that would have
> dropped Freeze in his tracks.
>
> DICK
> I had it covered.

CROW: Good. You were in public.

>
> (OVER) A doorbell RINGS.

MIKE: Arhkam calling!

>
> DICK
> You know, in the circus, The Flying
> Graysons were a team. We had to
> trust each other. We had to count
> on each person to do his part. That's
> what being partners is all about.

TOM: That's how come they all died at the same time.

> (loud)
> End simulation.

MIKE: The movie is over!

>
> 159 Ambient lights come up in the cave.

CROW: Followed by ambient music!

>
> 160 DICK
> Sometimes counting on someone else
> is the only way to win.
>
> (OVER) the doorbell RINGS again.

MIKE: Arhkam calling!!!!!

>
> DICK
> (puzzled)
> Where's Al?

TOM: Talking to Sam.

>
> Dick heads for the door.
>
> BRUCE
> (following)
> Couldn't we just for once pretend
> that I'm the teacher and you're the
> student?

TOM: No, you wanted to play Civil War Veteran and Southern Belle!

>
> 162 INT. WAYNE MANOR - FOYER - AFTERNOON
>
> Columns of dancing sunlight fill the giant entryway. Dick
> goes to the front door as Bruce meets Alfred emerging in
> the b.g.
>
> ALFRED
> I must have dozed off. My sincerest
> apologies, sir.

CROW: I was reading the script, I couldn't help myself.

>
> BRUCE
> No apology necessary. That's the
> first time in thirty years.

MIKE: I don't think it's our dirty minds here guys, this is all
pretty sick . . .

>
> Bruce smiles, but he can't take his eyes off Alfred.

TOM: He looks great for his age.

> The
> butler seems pale, older than usual.

TOM <ALFRED> : Miss Kyle dropped by, I put on the cowl and
pretended . . .

>
> DICK
> Mystery pizza delivery?

ALL: No, Mystery Science Theater!

>
> 163 Dick opens the door. A young girl stands in the autumn
> light, beautiful, dressed in prim, schoolgirl clothes,

TOM: Moon Prism Power Activate!
CROW: Tom, don't ever scare me like that again.
MIKE: Yeah, at this rate I'm surprised they haven't brought in
batgirl.

> BARBARA WILSON.

MIKE: Yaaaah!!!!
TOM: Nice call, Mike. Forgot Alicia Silverstone was in this
turkey, dind'cha?
MIKE: Wilson? What happened to Gordon?!

>
> DICK
> Please be looking for me.

CROW: There aren't many good lines, but he's got them.

>
> BARBARA
> I'm so sorry to trouble you, but-

TOM: Can I use my precocious martial arts skills and the fact that
I look good in leather to fight crime?
>
> That's when the girl sports Alfred. The old man's eyes
> widen.
>
> BARBARA
> Uncle Alfred?
>
> 164 Barbara rushes in, past Dick and Bruce, into the old
> butler's arms. he holds her close. Bruce and Dick face
> each other.

CROW: With a wonderful, passionate, kiss!

>
> BRUCE & DICK
> (mouthing)
> Uncle?

MIKE: I'm calling Uncle too!

>
> 165 EXT. WAYNE ESTATE GARDENS - AFTERNOON - WALKING

TOM: Now it's the gardens of Baba Yaga . . .

> Bruce, Alfred, Dick, and Barbara tour.

MIKE: Live with Motorhead, The Pet Shop Boys, and the Moody Blues!

>
> BARBARA
> How long has it been, Uncle Alfred?

CROW: That's an awful damn personal question!

>
> ALFRED
> Ten years.
> (to Bruce)
> Barbara isn't really me niece, sir.

TOM <ALFRED> : She's my nephew. I'm afraid there's quite a bit of
explaining involved there, sir.

> She's Joanna Clark's daughter.
>
> BRUCE
> Of course. Alfred still keeps your
> mother's picture in his room.

CROW: Taped on an inflatable dummy.

>
> DICK
> Anybody want to tell us kids in the
> cheap seats who Joanna Clark is?
>
> ALFRED
> Joanna and I were in love in London.
> But when I realized our age difference
> was too extreme -

MIKE: She was five, I was forty . . .
CROW: He works for Roman Polanski.

>
> BARBARA
> Uncle Alfred left for America. Much
> to my mother's dismay -
>
> ALFRED
> Eventually she married a young
> physician.

TOM: Who cured her of the syphilis I gave her!

>
> 166 EXT. WAYNE ESTATE - STABLES - WALKING - CONTINUOUS

TOM: More walking stables.
MIKE: Baba Yaga gets around!

>
> DICK
> Al's main squeeze. Is she here?
> (off everyone's looks)
> I'm about to scrape the bottom of my
> shoe off my tongue, right?

TOM <BATMAN> : Not now, not in front of Barbara!

>
> BARBARA
> My parents were killed in an auto
> accident ten years ago. Alfred has
> been supporting me ever since.
>
> BRUCE
> You have?

TOM <ALFRED> : I pretend to be a bra, sir.

>
> ALFRED
> Secrets are a virtual prerequisite
> in this house, don't you think?

TOM <ALFRED> : Not like that nice Kent couple, they'd never keep
anything from anybody. And that Wally West boy, so nice, and Kyle,
why he's as nice as that charming John Jones fellow!

>
> BARBARA
> I'm on break from-
>
> BRUCE
> Oxbridge Academy?
>
> BARBARA
> Their new computer sciences
> division. How did you know?
>
> BRUCE
> I recognized the accent.

CROW: So every college has its own accent now?

>
> 167 They have come to the garage. A motorcycle sits out
> front.

TOM: Most people just have lawn gnomes, Bruce.

>
> BARBARA
> What is it? It's beautiful.
>
> The way the sun catches Barbara, she looks like an angel.

TOM: Specifically, Zauriel.

>
> DICK
> You can say that again.
> (catching himself)

CROW: Oh, he does that a lot.

>
> It's a competition racer I've been
> fixing up. Maybe one day I'll show
> you how to ride.

MIKE: It's the only thing remotely close to continuity in this
series of films, so we're quite proud of it.

> ALFRED
> You certainly will not.

TOM <ALFRED> : You will not ride the continuity, Mr. Grayson!

>
> BARBARA
> Oh no, those things frighten me.

MIKE: And so does the motorcycle . . .

>
> BRUCE
> Well, I hope you'll stay with us.
>
> ALFRED
> There's a lovely inn just down --

CROW: My pants! Whoops! Sorry!

>
> BARBARA
> All this luxury really isn't my style but-
> (still eyeing the bike)
> I'd love to stay.
>
> BRUE
> Then it's settled.
>
> ALFRED
> Oh, but, sir. So much goes on-
>
> BRUCE
> Don't be silly, Alfred.
> After all, she's family.

TOM: Too late for that, everything went goofy with the skyboarding
sequence in scene 81.

>
> 168/69 OMITTED
>
> 170 EXT. GOTHAM AIRPORT - TARMAC _ NIGHT
>
> A vintage DC-3 steams on the runway. Pilots descend the
> gangway.

TOM: Steam powered? That IS vintage!

>
> Pamela Isley, dressed as a grieving window, supervises the
> LUGGAGE HANDLERS' debarkation of a coffin. An immense
> coffin.

CROW: A bright, big, shiny, candy-like coffin!

>
> PAMELA
> Be gentle. He's always been touchy.
>
> HANDLER
> Whatever you say, lady.
>
> Pam watches the Handlers carry the coffin away. She turns,
> walks off across the tarmac.
>
> 171 FAVOR THE BAGGAGE HANDLERS

TOM: Cause they've only got one scene.

> as they bear the coffin to the terminal.
>
> HANDLER
> (imitating Pam)
> He's always been touchy. Right.
>
> 172 A GIANT FIST CRASHES through the splintering lid. The
> Handlers drop the coffin as a figure emerges.

TOM: George Romero's Evil and Annoying Dead!

> Bane, wearing his full costume, his injector pack strapped to
> his back.
>
> Bane lifts a Handler, begins swinging him like a baseball
> bat, sending the other Handlers flying.

CROW: Oh, HE'S Batman(tm) now!

>
> 173 EXT. AIRPORT - TARMAC
>
> A LIMOUSINE sits at the edge of the runway. A lone
> BUSINESSMAN approaches the waiting car. The DRIVER smiles,
> opens the door. he Businessman climbs in to find...
>
> 174 INT. LIMO - NIGHT
>
> Pam sits sprawled on the back seat, showing no small bit
> of leg.

TOM <COCKNEY> : She's a saucy bit o' crumpet, ain't she!

>
> BUSINESSMAN
> There must be some mistake --

MIKE: Funny, I was thinking the same thing . . .

>
> PAMELA
> Silly darling, there's no need to
> pretend in front of the driver.
>
> She grabs his face kisses him passionately. She lets go,
> the Businessman slumps to the seat. Dead.

TOM: Darn! The one character without snappy one liners or moronic
innuendo in his dialog is dead.

>
> PAMELA
> Love hurts. In my case it kills.

CROW: You can take penicillin for that.

>
> 175 THE REARVIEW MIRROR

MIKE: With Christopher Reeve.

>
> 176 The limo driver watches on. Suddenly a hand reaches in
> SNAPPING his neck, drags out his body. Bane climbs into
> the driver's seat.
>
> PAMELA
> Once around the park.
>
> 177 INT. ALFRED'S ROOM
>
> The door is ajar.

CROW: I'll just leave this one alone.

> (OVER) a gentle KNOCK. Barbara pushes
> inside, wearing a long terry robe.

CROW: Lucky Terry!

>
> The room is empty. She notices a pile of envelopes on the
> desk.

TOM: You may already be a winner!

>
> ENVELOPES - CLOSE. All addressed to Wilfred Pennyworth.
> Royal Court of Mirajanpore. All stamped RETURN TO SENDER.

ALL <SINGING> : Return to sender!

>
> ALFRED (OVER)
> I didn't know sneaking around was on
> the curriculum at Oxbridge.
>
> Barbara starts,

TOM: Barbara revs, Barbara roars!

> turns. Alfred steps from the shadows in
> his robe.

TOM: So Alfred is now nude but the shadows are fully clothed.

>
> BARBARA
> I'm sorry, Uncle, I came to tuck you
> in. And...

ALL: Eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeewwwwwwwwwwww!

>
> ALFRED
> You came to tuck me in. That's quite
> a switch.

TOM <ALFRED> : But so am I.

> (off the envelopes)
> I am looking for my brother, Wilfred.
> He is first butler to the Maharajah
> of Mirajanpore. But Mirajanpore is a
> floating court, it travels across
> India, so Wilfred can be rather
> difficult to find.

MIKE: Despite the fact that the NWO but a computer chip in his
right buttock.

>
> 178 Alfred TAPS his computer keyboard.

MIKE: Damn it, Windows 95 locked up again!

>
> 179 SCREEN - CLOSE. Full motion images of a resplendent royal
> court, carried entirely on the back of elephants.
>
> BARBARA (OVER)
> I guess they don't have fax machines
> on elephants.
>
> ALFRED
> I have been trying to reach Wilfred
> with no success. As one grows older,
> one years for family.

CROW: With a lower-case 'f'. I've had PLENTY of the upper-case
kind around here, I can tell you!

>
> BARBARA
> (she smiles)
> It's good to see you again, Uncle.
> I've missed you.

TOM: But my aim is improving.

>
> ALFRED
> As I've missed you.
> (kissing her head)
> Sleep well, child.
>
> Barbara heads out, closing the door behind her.

MIKE: Alfred takes a cold shower.

>
> 180 INT. HALLWAY - CONTINUOUS
>
> Barbara walks to her room. She pauses, waiting for the
> light under Alfred's door to go out. Then she disappears
> inside.
>
> 181 INT. WAYNE MANOR - BARBARA'S ROOM - CONTINUOUS
>
> Barbara whips off her robe.

ALL: Yes!!!

> Underneath, a tight black
> leather motorcycle outfit.

ALL: Horay!!!!
CROW: This is now a GREAT script!

> She begins pulling on sleek black boots.

TOM: Put it on! Put it on!

>
> 182 EXT. WAYNE MANOR - NIGHT _ CONTINUOUS
>
> A knotted climbing rope tumbles out of one of the windows.

TOM <BARBARA> : Dick, get that back and put your gag back in!

> A figure expertly descends into the courtyard below.
> Turns, face now visible in the moonlight. Barbara.
>
> 183 INT. WAYNE MANOR GARAGE - NIGHT - CONTINUOUS
>
> Kids collect Matchbox and Corgi. Billionaires collect the
> real thing. Barbara ENTERS, cloaked in the shadows, moves
> stealthfully past the myriad cards until she comes to the
> row of motorcycles.

TOM <SIGH> : Straight boys and dykes have all the fun in these
films.
MIKE AND CROW <LOOK AT TOM>

>
> She stops at a sleek competition bike, climbs on, pulling a
> racing helmet from her back-pack, expertly kick-starts the
> ENGINE.

TOM: This may be the wrong time to bring this up, but does
Brucie-poo and the Boy Blunder have ANY form of security here at
Stately Wayne Manor?

> 184 Barbara rides out through the open garage into the
> night.

CROW: Freudian symbolism or plot device? You be the judge.

>
> 185 INT. SNOWY CONES ICE CREAM FACTORY - NIGHT
>
> Freeze is standing at his computerized work-station,
> entering data into the keyboard.

MIKE: I bet if he entered the data into the COMPUTER he'd have
cured his wife by now.

>
> FREEZE
> Maybe this time, this new formula,
> will return you to me.
>
> Freeze hits a switch. A beat. Then an ALERT panel flashes a
> simple message: TEST FAILURE.

MIKE: You are pregnant!

> Freeze SLAMS the console with
> his fist.

TOM: It is now safe to turn your computer off.

>
> FOLLOW FREEZE as he rises, walks through the open door
> into...

CROW: If he'd gotten his Pentium chip replaced, he'd have solved
the problem.

>
> 185A INT. FREEZE'S VALUT - NIGHT
>
> Freeze stares up at his wife in her frozen sarcophagus,
> fighting back the tears.

TOM: I'm sorry, honey, I know this movie is terrible, but they
offered me SO much money . . .

>
> FREEZE
> No cure tonight, my love. Forgive
> me. But soon, I promise you. Soon.
>
> 186 INT. LIMOUSINE - DAY
>
> Morning. Bane drives.

MIKE: Us crazy.

> Ivy sits in the back seat,

CROW: Also driving us crazy!

> applying brown contact lenses, donning a dark wig. Pamela Isley
> once more.
>
> PAMELA
> (to the Charlie jingle)
> Kind of Hip, kind of Wow, Ivy. Kind
> of Free, kind of Now, Ivy.

CROW: Kind of bad, kind of sad.
TOM AND MIKE: Ivy(tm)!

>
> 187 EXT. GOTHAM OBSERVATORY - DAY _ESTABLISHING

CROW: It's day.
MIKE: I've established already that this observatory is gonna be
some kind of plot device.

>
> A stone and copper observatory in the process of being
> restored, set atop the banks above the Gotham River and
> the city beyond.
>
> 188 INT. OBSERVATORY
>
> An immense circular hall under construction. Within, a
> partially installed telescope. Bruce stands flanked by
> his stunningly beautiful date (JULIE MADISON)

TOM: And his stunningly beautiful date Dick Grayson!

> , a SCIENTIST
> and his ASSOCIATE, all on a podium backed by blueprints,
> facing the PRESS.
>
> BRUCE
> My father once told me that to
> succeed we need only pick our

CROW: Noses.

>
> star and follow it. And so Wayne
> Enterprises

TOM AND CROW: Wayne Enterprises! Wayne Enterprises! Donate On!
Excellent!

> is donating the world's
> most advanced telescope to Gotham's
> Observatory Restoration Project.

MIKE: G.O.R.P.?

> Perhaps this telescope will give
> future generations a chance to
> find their own stars.

CROW: As long as they're not George Clooney or Val Kilmer.

>
> GOSSIP GERTY
> Brucy, is it true this new telescope
> can see all around the globe?
>
> SCIENTIST
> Yes, if you'll watch the monitors -

TOM: Feels like the laws of physics are about to be mugged.

>
> 189 A MONITOR BANK - CLOSE. A graphic of the earth.
> Equidistant satellites in geosyncronous orbit are
> highlighted.

CROW: Plot point! Plot point!

>
> SCIENTIST
> Satellites already in orbit allow us
> to reflect light around the planet.
>
> ON SCREEN - A graphic ray of light

CROW: This light is rated TV-M!

> is reflected from a
> satellite over Australia, to a satellite over the U.S.,
> and then beamed to a graphic of the Gotham-based telescope.
>
> ASSOCIATE
> From here we'll be able to see the
> sky anywhere on earth.

MIKE <SHATERESQUE> : My God, it's a gigantic plot device disguised as
an observatory.

>
> BRUCE
> Just don't point it at my bedroom.

ALL: <Guffawing>

>
> GOSSIP GERTY
> Brucy, you and the exquisite Julie
> Madison have been going out forever.
> Are you planning to tie the knot?

TOM: No, handcuffs work just fine! Oh . . .

>
> BRUCE
> Get married? me? No...

MIKE: Not to anyone psychologically healthy OR female.

>
> JULIE
> No!?
>
> BRUCE
> Umm. What I mean is...no plans at
> the moment...
>
> JULIE
> But soon...
>
> GERTY
> Soon?
>
> BRUCE
> Ah...Sooner or later...all
> relationships evolve and...
>
> JULIE
> And?

TOM <BRUCE> : I live in a cave with a nubile, acrobatic teenage
boy, OK! I admit it! Now get out of my hair!

>
> BRUCE
> (to Julie)
> Can I get some help over here?

CROW: Too late for that.

>
> Julie smiles, turns to the PRESS. the very picture of
> composure.
>
> JULIE
> Bruce and I are lucky enough to be
> recklessly in love.

TOM: With Dick Grayson.

>
> And that is most certainly enough for us.
> (to Bruce)
> For now.
>
> FOLKS LAUGH, charmed.
>

CROW: AUDIENCE LEAVES, revolted.
>
> SCIENTIST
> Now, if you'll all follow me, I'll
> show you the central control grid...
>
> The Scientist and Associate tour Julie

MIKE: Woah!
TOM: I don't think the author meant it to sound like that.
MIKE: It's a shame when your mistakes are more interesting than
your script.

> and the Press around
> the telescope, leaving Bruce to confer with two of his Aides.

MIKE: No one say ANYTHING.

> GUARD (OVER)
> Mr. Wayne?
>
> 190 WIDER
> Pam, hair in a bun,

TOM: Feet in special sauce.

> face behind glasses,

CROW: Ah, the Kent maneuver!

> cloaked in a frumpy suit,

MIKE: Or suited in a frumpy cloak.

> is standing behind two door GUARDS.
>
> GUARD
> She doesn't have a pass, sir.
>
> BRUCE smiles, waves off the guards with a gesture.
>
> BRUCE
> They're overly protective. You're
> Not going to hurt me are you, Ms...

CROW: Hurst.

>
> PAMELA
> Dr. Pamela Isley.
>
> BRUCE
> What can I do for you, Doctor? A
> research grant? A hospital wing?

MIKE: A guest appearance on ER with a certain sloe-eyed someone?

>
> PAMELA
> Actually, I already work for you.
> Or did. Your arboreal preservation
> project in South America.

TOM <DUMB> : Uh, did you . . . preserver . . . arboreal?

>
> BRUCE
> We cut our support. A conflict of
> ideologies. Dr. Woodrue was a lunatic.
>
> PAMELA
> I see you knew him.

TOM <BRUCE> : Only biblically.

>
> BRUCE
> That lab was consumed by fire last
> week. How did you manage to escape?
>
> PAMELA
> I have here a proposal showing how
> Wayne Enterprises can immediately
> cease all actions that toxify our
> environment.

TOM <PAMELA> : Like this script.

>
> Bruce takes the proposal, scans it. Pam's eyes shine
> despotic.

CROW: Kind of despotic, kind of erotic. Ivy(tm).
MIKE: Crow. Stop.

>
> PAMELA
> Forget the stars. Look here, at the
> Earth, our mother, our womb. She
> deserves our loyalty and protection.
> And yet you spoil her lands, poison
> her oceans, blacken her skies.
> You're killing her.

TOM: Kinda makes you feel guilty for helping the apes nuke her,
huh Mike?
MIKE: Thanks Tom, thanks a lot.

>
> BRUCE
> Your intentions are noble, but no
> diesel fuel for heat. No coolants to
> preserve food. Millions would die of
> cold and hunger alone.

CROW: We'll call it the Contract With America!

>
> PAMELA
> Acceptable losses in a battle to save
> the planet.
>
> BRUCE
> People come first, Dr. Isley.

TOM: So screw you nature!

>
> 191 The tour has returned. Pam turns to the Press.
> Begins to soapbox.

MIKE: Another noun tragically mutated into a verb. I mourn you,
soapbox.

>
> PAMELA
> Mammals. So smug in your towers of
> stone and glass. A day of reckoning
> is coming.

CROW: Duck! She's Shatnering!

> The same plants and
> flowers that saw you crawl blind
> from the primordial soup will
> reclaim this planet. Earth will
> be a garden again. Somehow, some
> way, I will bring your man-made
> civilization to its knees and

TOM: Make it bark like a dog.

>
> there will be no one to protect you.
>
> Pam's tirade is so extreme, folks around her LAUGH.

MIKE: It's a real shame when your characters laugh at your writing.

>
> GOSSIP GERTY
> You must be new in town. In Gotham
> City, Batman and Robin protect us.
> Even from plants and flowers.

CROW: They like to press them and save them!

>
> BRUCE
> Perhaps you'd like to meet them.
>
> Bruce nods and an Aide hands Pam an invitation.
>
> 192 INVIATION - CLOSE. Batman and Robin to appear at the
> Flower Ball.

TOM: Down at the Blue Oyster!

>
> BRUCE
> The caped crusaders are helping us
> auction off a prized diamond to
> raise money for the Gotham Botanical
> Gardens. Just a few mammals doing
> what we can for our world's plants.

CROW: And so Mr. Freeze(tm) can steal it . . . whoops!

>
> GOSSIP GERTY
> So, Brucy, will the delicious Ms. Madison
> be your date for the flower ball tonight?

TOM: The way she talks about Julie makes me wonder about Gossip
Gerty here . . .

>
> PAMELA
> Tell me, billionaire, would you warm
> faster to my pleas if I looked more
> like Ms. January here?
>
> BRUCE
> Although the Wayne Foundation is
> hosting the event, sadly I will be
> unable to attend. Thank you all.
> (to Pam)
> Good day, Doctor.
>
> Pam watches him go, trailed by press.

MIKE: Geez, he's got to weight-train more . . .

> Peers at her invitation.
>
> PAMLA
> Batman and Robin. Militant arm of
> the warm-blooded oppressors. Animal
> protectors of the status quo. First
> I'll rid myself of the fur and
> feathered pests. And then Gotham
> will be mine for the greening.
>
> 193 INT. SNOWY CONES ICE CREAM FACTORY
>
> 194 Nora and Victor Fries kiss at their wedding altar. The
> 195 video images change to show the couple playing with a
> 196 puppy. Nora LAUGHS as her husband crowds beside her.

TOM: Eating the puppy.

> He EXITS frame, hands her something.

MIKE: The remains of the puppy.

>
> NORA
> Oh, Victor, it's beautiful.
>
> Nora holds her snow-flake necklace up for the camera.
> Places it around her neck, smiling up tot he warm summer
> sun.
>
> 197 PULL BACK TO REVEAL
>
> Freeze sits watching the images on his screen.

TOM <SCHWARZENEGGER> : Why are two robots and a man always in the
lower right corner?

>
> FROSTY (OVER)
> 'Scuse me, chief. I got something
> her you might want to see.

TOM <SCHWARZENEGGER> : Zip it up, Frosty, it wasn't funny the last
time.

>
> 198 Frosty stands in the door, newspaper in hand. Without
> shifting his gaze, Freeze lifts his freezing gun, FIRES.
> Frosty Freezes.
>
> FREEZE
> I hate it when people talk during
> the movie.

TOM: This is insidious! Next he'll suggest people head for the
refreshment stand.

>
> 199 Freeze continues staring at the screen. Finally the happy
> images are just too much for him. He FIRES his gun at the
> screen, the picture EXPLODING into flying shards of light.
>
> FREEZE
> One more diamond, my love. One more.

MIKE: But, sadly, Frosty can't hear him . . .

>
> 200 Freeze rises. he breaks off the cover of the frozen paper
> 201 in Frosty's hand. PAPER-CLOSE. Wayne Donates Diamond to
> Flower Ball.
>
> 202 EXT. GOTHAM BOTANICAL GARDENS - NIGHT

CROW: What happened to Frosty? He was the most richly developed
character!

>
> An immense glass greenhouse set atop the roof of a mighty
> skyscraper. Elegant guests mill admist the stars.
>
> 203 INT. GOTHAM BOTANICAL GARDENS - GREENHOUSE - NIGHT

MIKE: Nice to see it's still night.

>
> A hanging banner reads GOTHAM CHARITY FLOWER BALL. A
> GIANT BEAST MASK covers the entrance.

TOM: A giant Belle mask covers the exit.

> DRUMMERS STOMP on
> congo drums. GUESTS dress as flowers. TWO COSTUMED
> GORILLAS romp about the room.

MIKE: Bruce's fantasies are leaking out all over the place.
TOM: Me Tarzan. You also Tarzan.

>
> 203A Batman and Robin stand by the stage.
>
> ROBIN
> You think Freeze will take the bait?
?
> BATMAN
> He'll be here.

MIKE: He was courteous enough to send an RSVP.

>
> 203B ATOP THE STAIRS. The two Gorillas have converged on the
> DRUMMERS. One begins dancing around, covertly KNOCKING
> the drummers unconscious with his paws.

CROW: What?
TOM: How do you knock someone out covertly?

>
> 204 ON STAGE. The MC walks out, followed by Gossip Gerty.
>
> MC
> Ladies and Gentlemen. Gossip Gerty
> of Good Morning Gotham and I welcome
> you to the gem of our evening.

MIKE: More pointless puns!

>
> 204 Two armed guards emerge bearing a palette upon which
> hangs a silver necklace supporting a perfect, grapefruit
> sized diamond.

MIKE: Grapefruit sized diamond? Only Anna Nicole Smith could wear
that!

>
> GOSSIP GERTY
> The famed Heart of Isis,

CROW: Oh, Mighty Isis . . .

> on loan from the Collection of my close,
> personal friend Bruce Wayne.

TOM: THAT'S why he didn't want the telescope turned on his
bedroom!

>
> The MC gestures and several woman step forward dressed as
> flowers, each more strikingly gorgeous than the next.
>
> MC
> Tonight, on auction, an opportunity
> to dine with one of our fabulous
> flowers, the famed diamond draped
> around her neck.

MIKE: Dragging her head into the soup . . .

>
> GOSSIP GERTY
> Ooo, look at all these luscious
> lovelies. let's start the bidding.

TOM: I wonder how deep GERTY'S closet is.

>
> MAN #1
> Ten thousand for Chrysanthemum.
>
> MAN #2
> Twenty thousand for Lilac.
>
> MAN #3
> Thirty thousand for Rose.

CROW: Axel Rose?

>
> GOSSIP GERTY
> Boys, please. Show some gusto.

TOM: And grab your gusto.

>
> 205 THE TOP OF THE STAIRS. ONE GORILLA begins to BEAT the
> drums. The other removes her paw mitts. Her gorilla's
> head.

TOM: Donkey Kong as you've never seen him before!

> From within her gorilla costume, steps a vision.

MIKE: From Marvel comics.

> Skin tight green costume made of leaves. Green boots and
> mask. magenta hair. Glowing green eyes.

TOM: Wow, these Tori Amos videos are getting weirder and
weirder...

> Meet POISON IVY,
> simply the most beautiful woman known to man.
>
> 205A ROBIN-CLOSE. Smiles.

MIKE: I'd look GREAT in that!

>
> ROBIN
> Gorilla my dreams.

TOM: Oh, God . . .

>
> 206 Ivy lifts her green gloved hands, both filled with piles
> of sparkling dust, blows the powder over the startled
> patrons.

MIKE: Is it wrong to envy powder, guys?
CROW: Not in this case, Mike.

>
> 207 FOLLOW THE DUST as it spins out in fairy-like spirals,

TOM: Spirals that resemble Mr. Humphreys!

> curling through the crowd.
>
> 208 THE CROWD - VARIOUS SHOTS.

MIKE: Bang! Bang! Got them all!

> Folks blink their eyes,
> suddenly bewitched, as Ivy tilts backwards, falling into
> the arms of several jungle clad men on the ballroom floor.
>
> 209 IVY saunters over a bridge made of the backs of kneeling
> men, through the parting crowd, towards Batman and Robin.

TOM: How did the writer single-handedly combine the fantasies of
K.D. Lang and Madonna at the same time?

>
> IVY
> Hi there.
>
> MC
> (sputtering)

ALL: Eeeeewwwwwwww!

> And you are...
>
> IVY
> Poison. Poison Ivy.

MIKE: Bong. James Bong.

>
> 210 BATMAN - CLOSE. Dazed. Like a man who's drunk a quart of
> love potion. He takes her hand.
>
> IVY
> Why not send junior to bed early, I
> could come and take your measurements?

CROW: Whooops! Too small! Throw it back!

>
> Ivy turns now to Robin, offers the other hand. She blows
> another volley of dust into Robin's face.
>
> IVY
> On the other hand, youth does have
> its advantages. Endurance. Stamina.

MIKE: The ability to know where all the Pearl Jam concerts are.

>
> 211 ROBIN - CLOSE. Also suddenly smitten, perhaps even
> harder.

ALL <GIGGLE>

>
> IVY
> Why settle for second place? Robin
> is a sidekick, a junior partner. If
> we were a team, you'd be the star.
> Forget the geriatric bat. Come, join
> me, my garden needs tending.

TOM: Get out a weed wacker!
CROW: At least we know where the garden 'ho is . . .

>
> The two help her up onto stage. She turns to the
> mesmerized MC.
>
> IVY
> I'll take it from here, pal.
>
> Ivy lifts the diamond, places it around her neck.

MIKE: She's slammed to the floor by the weight and knocked
unconscious.

>
> IVY
> Some lucky boy's about to hit the
> honey pot.

MIKE <WINNIE THE POOH> : Quickly, Piglet, give me your money!

> I'll include an evening
> of my company for the winner. I'll
> bring everything you see here. Plus
> everything you don't.
> (off Batman and Robin)
> And I'll bring my imagination.

CROW: Unlike the writer.

>
> MAN #1
> 50 thousand for Poison Ivy - -
>
> MAN #2
> 100 thousand for Poison Ivy - -
>
> BATMAN
> One million - -
>
> ROBIN
> (sotto voce)
> You own it.
> (loud)
> Two million - -
>
> The two lock eyes.

TOM: They kiss.

>
> BATMAN
> (sotto voce)
> You don't have two million.
> (loud)
> Three million - -
>
> ROBIN
> (sotto voce)
> I'll borrow it from you.
> (loud)
> Four million - -
>
> IVY
> You two boys aren't going to fight
> over little old me, are you?

MIKE: If I remember Uma Thurman, we are not talking little.

>
> Batman reaches to his utility belt,

CROW: Eeeeeeeeeww!

> draws a batarang.

CROW: Whew!

>
> BATMAN
> Five million - -
>
> Robin reaches to his utility belt, pulls a throwing bird.
>
> ROBIN
> Six million - -

MIKE: It's the six million dollar supervillain!

>
> GOSSIP GERTY

CROW: Eight million!

> Is it getting nippy in here?
>
> 212 THE TEETH of the giant mask EXPLOSE as Freeze's truck
> 213 SMASHES into the room from an elevated bridge beyond.
> 214 Standing atop the vehicle, backed by swirling mists,
> Freeze, his Icemen following behind.
>
> FREEZE
> (drawing his gun)
> Did I use the wrong door again?
>
> 215 Batman hurls his batarang, knocking Freeze's pistol free.

TOM: Run! Be free little pistol!

> Batman and Robin race forward, engulfed by the rushing
> force of Icemen.
>
> HIS PISTOL flies into the hands of one of the Guests. A THUG
> rams the Guest from behind, the gun bouncing into the air.
>
> 215A A swarm of armed SECURITY GUARDS and GUESTS swamp Freeze.

TOM: Freeze taps them for one black manna.

>
> 215B FREEZE
> When technology fails...

MIKE: Read the manual?
TOM: Hit F1?
CROW: Call the help line?

> brute force.

MIKE: Oh, Schwarzenegger does that.

>
> 215C FREEZE moves like lightning, SMASHING guards with mighty
> punches, WHIPPING guests flying across the room.

CROW: Who thank him!

>
> FREEZE'S PISTOL bounces from Guest, to Thug, to Guest like
> a wildly fumbled

TOM: Plot.

> football, a Thug finally tipping the soar-
> ing gun back towards Freeze.

CROW: Freeze(tm) losing his gun is not so much a running joke as a
lurching one.

>
> 215D FREEZE
> Alright, everyone, chill!

CROW: We've waited all episode for a cold joke, and now . . .
another one.

>
> 216 Freeze FIRES, turning a few guests and several exotic
> flower arrangements into ice.
>
> FREEZE
> I should have been a decorator.

CROW: Then he could stay with Batman(tm) and Robin(tm).

>
> 217 Freeze starts for the stage.
>
> 218 BATMAN and ROBIN are in mid-melee, fighting off an army
> of Icemen.
>
> 219 Batman SMASHES one Thug three times in the chin.

MIKE <SINGING> : Smash three times on the chin if you waaaant me!

>
> 220 Robin does a spinning side kick to another approaching

CROW: A sidekick doing a sidekick!

> villain, then ducks, sending one villain crashing into
> another.
>
> 221 Batman grabs a Thug, throws him to Robin, who punches
> him back to Batman who punches him back to Robin.

MIKE: Now it's like a Hercules episode!

>
> 222 Both punch him simultaneously, the Thug flying back
> through the air. They begin fighting their way towards
> the stage.
>
> 223 FREEZE climbs onto the stage to face Poison Ivy.
>
> FREEZE
> Let me guess, Plant Girl? Vine Lady?
> Ms. Moss?

CROW: Kate Moss?

>
> IVY
> Listen, Captain Cold,

CROW: That's ANOTHER character!

> the suit, maybe,
> even though silver went out in the
> 70's. But those boots are unforgivable.

MIKE: Even SHE notices the neutronium boots.

> What is it with men?

MIKE: Sister, at this point even I don't know.

>
> FREEZE
> I'd love to stand here all day and
> exchange fashion tips but I'm kind
> of pressed for time. So hand over
> the diamond, Garden Gal, or I turn
> you into mulch.
>
> Ivy pulls a handful of dust from her belt-pouch, blows it
> towards him. The dust swirls around his helmet. Ivy
> frowns.

TOM <IVY> : Damn! That was my headache powder!

>
>
> FREEZE
> Pheromone dust. Designed to heat a
> man's blood. Doesn't work on the
> cold hearted. Now, if you please...

TOM <SCHWARZENEGGER> : Give me some more scenes.

>
> Freeze extends his gloved hand.
>
> IVY
> Well, if you insist.
>
> Ivy hands him the diamond.
>
> FREEZE
> Clever little clover.
>
> 224 Just then one of the Thugs flies across the room,
> SHASHING into the back of the stage.
>
> FREEZE
> That's my exit cue.

MIKE: So, he told one of his thugs to get beaten up when it's time
to leave.

>
> FREEZE races for his truck.
>
> 225 BATMAN and ROBIN dispatch the last Iceman, make for the
> stage.
>
> BATMAN
> (to Gordon)
> You have eleven minutes to thaw those
> guests, Commissioner.
>
> 226 Batman and Robin race after the escaping Freeze and his
> men.
>
> 227 Ivy stares after them. She lifts a small souvenir. A tiny
> glass globe that says Welcome To Gotham.

TOM: So Freeze(tm) makes money part-time working for the
Gotham(tm) Tourist Bureau?

> Shakes the
> bauble, the tiny city within suddenly covered by snow.

MIKE: Then it explodes. Hilarity ensues.

> Gordon appears behind her.
>
> GORDON
> Miss Ivy, you've just met one of
> the most sinister men in Gotham.

MIKE: Batman(tm).

>
> IVY
> That's no man. That's a God!

CROW: It's Schwarzenegger!

>
> Gordon moves off as the second Gorilla

TOM: Carrying a second banana!

> arrives on stage,
> removes his mask. Bane.
>
> IVY
> Enough monkey business. We've got
> work to do.

MIKE: I want the script writer severely beaten!

>
> 228 EXT. GOTHAM CITY - NIGHT
>
> A GIANT STATUE stands amidst Gotham's sky-scrapers.
> CLOSER.
>
> Freeze in his Ice Truck, two Crony Trucks behind him,

MIKE: Even his truck has cronies!

> race up the interconnecting bridges that crisscross
> Gotham's skyline.
>
> 229 INT. FREEZE'S TRUCK
>
> FREEZE - POV. Gothamites veer their cars off the roadway in
> his path as Freeze spots the statue. He reaches for his
> dashboard.

TOM: He pulls his smokes out of the glove compartment!

>
> Freeze hits a flashing gun-shaped button on the dash.

MIKE: His vehicle has international symbols?

>
> 230 EXT. FREEZE'S TRUCK - NIGHT
>
> A giant freeze-gun atop the truck FIRES.
>
> 231 EXT. GOTHAM ROOFTOPS - NIGHT
>
> THE STATUE'S HEAD - CLOSE. Freezes, the neck of the giant
> figure EXPLODING in a storm of ice.
>
> 232 FREEZE'S TRUCK swerves off the road, leaping through the
> hole in the statue's neck and racing onto its shoulder.
> His Crony trucks follow, all racing away down the statue's
> arm.