[1...2...3...4..5...6]

MIKE: Hi, welcome to the Satelite of Love, I'm Mike Nelson and for those of you who don't remember from Raymond South's MISTING OF CHRISTINA MCALLISTER, we've been floating kind of aimlessly since a sentient asteroid damaged the ship in a mad effort to date Pearl Forrester.

TOM: [wearing toga] Yes, yes, and since many might not have read that MIST, we will now re-enact its major points in the form of a Greek Tragedy.

CROW: [wearing toga, holding wineglass. Smacks lips] Mmmm! Tom, Mike, you really ought to try some of this Helmock. Those ancient Greeks really knew how to mix their drinks.

TOM: Achem! Mike shall play all the roles, and Crow and I shall act as Chorus. Act 1, Scene 1 - the Satelite of Love.

MIKE: Um...hi, welcome to the Satelite of Love, I'm Mike Nelson, and--

TOM & CROW: Oh woe! Cursed satelite! It hath offended mighty Poseidon! Fierce retribution will he bring!

(throw small rock at Mike)

MIKE: Ow! Hey!

TOM: Sorry, Mike, the Ancient Greeks didn't believe in leaving anything to the imagination. It's called theatrica verte. Meals were cooked on stage in real time, rock and stab wounds were real...

MIKE: Are you sure about that stab wounds part?

TOM & CROW: Oh cruel Pearl Forrester, tamer of dark horses! She rained a plague of evil fanfic to the asteroid-wounded Satelite! Who shall save it from destruction?

MIKE: Um, I question the accuracy of this next part--

TOM (throws rock): Do not risk the wrath of the gods!

MIKE: Ow! Ok, um, I am Tom Servo, bastard son of Zeus, and...ah...I'm apparently also Crow, Warrior Princess. I...um...we...smote the evil fanfic, and turned the attention of the lovelorn asteroids upon Pearl, where they chased her to the farthest ends of space.

TOM: (throws rock)

MIKE: Ow! What was that for?

TOM: Hubris, Mike, hubris. Fatal pride has been your tragic flaw.

CROW: Yeah, now hurry up and have a cathartic realization which involves dealing yourself terrible injury. I have some clothespins right here.

MIKE: Alright, that's it. I think the curtain just fell on your little re-enactment of--

[communications light flashes]

CROW: Uh-oh. I think the reviews are coming in.

[Astrobus]

PEARL: Hello, Nelson! I saw your little show, and all I can say is I wish tomatoes could move at warp speed.

[Satelite]

TOM: [sniffles] No one understands my genius!

[Astrobus]

PEARL: I seem to have shaken that oversexed asteroid...not that I can fault its taste in women, of course--

[Satelite]

ALL: Gagggg! Acckk!

[Astrobus]

PEARL: I heard that, Nelson! Alright, just for that I'm beaming you a little Greek Tragedy of my own. It's called Callisto v.s. Jean Grey, A Xena: Warrior Princess/X-men Crossover, by Michael Brower. It can be found at http://hem.passagen.se/hggblom2/phoenix/story42.htm It'll make you want to burn every comic book you've got...assuming you survive the experience! Nyahahhahahahahahahahahahahahhhahhhahahha....gasp....hold on...wheeze...ah, that's better. Achem. Nyahahahahahahahahahahahahahaaa!

[Satelite]

CROW: Just our luck. Pearl's like a Deus Ex Machina, except with Hades.

[red light flashes]

MIKE: No time to bemoan our fate, we've got fanfic!

[6.....5....4....3...2....1]

> Callisto v.s. Jean Grey
> A Xena: Warrior Princess/X-men Crossover

TOM: Guest starring Wendel Grisbee, from the Walker:Texas Ranger/Thundercats crossover.

> a short story by Michael Brower

CROW: Not nearly short enough.

> The X-men, a band of outlaw mutants that protects a world that fears and hates
> them.

TOM: I thought that was the IRS.

> Each x-man was gathered by Professor Charles Xavier, the world's most powerful
> mutant telepath. He was now watching his band of mutants train
> in the Danger Room, which is located in the X-mansion--the X-men's
> secret headquarters.

TOM: Secret Headquarters bumper stickers, 50 cents.

MIKE: Secret Headquarters baseball caps, $5.

CROW: My friend/parents/cousin Moe went to the secret headquarters and all I go was this stupid shirt T-shirts, $10.

> "Get'n slow cajun!" the rogue mutant known as Wolverine said.
> Wolverine--the X-men's lose cannon, whose mutant powers consist of a
> healing factor which cures him of any wound or disease he gets, and
> another ability in which bones shoot out from his knuckles in a form of
> claws that he uses to attack his enemies.

CROW: [Author] Who needs a girlfriend? I can cuddle up with my Handbook of the Marvel Universe any time!

> The man he was fighting with in the Danger Room was Remy LeBeau, better known
> as Gambit. His power is the ability to charge up objects

CROW: To his VISA card!

TOM: Because remember, you can get anything from killer battle-bots to flaming holograms in the Danger Room, but they won't take American Express.

> with a form of kinetic energy which explodes upon impact.

CROW: Now just a question, would the audience that reads these fanfics REALLY need a detailled explanation of each X-man's powers?

> "Not getting slow just trying ta watch my back!" Gambit said with a smile, and

MIKE: Um, it looks like Gambit's command of the English language is slipping again.

CROW: Some little known side-effect of the Legacy Virus, no doubt.

> then charged up a playing card which he threw at Wolverine.
> "Ha! ya missed me gumbo!" Wolverine said with a loud laugh.

MIKE: Number of times Wolverine actually called Gambit "gumbo" in the comic: 2

CROW: Number of times fanfic authors have used this cliche: Um...how many grains of sand are on a beach?

> Gambit just shrugged his shoulders and threw more cards at Wolverine, Logan
> tried to dodge them the best he could, but got nailed in the chest with the
> Queen of hearts.

TOM: I feel as if that act should be symbolic...but I'm not quite sure of what.

CROW: Orf wiv 'is head! Orf wiv 'is head!

> "THAT'S IT! YOU'RE DEAD!" Wolverine said with much anger and blood thirst
> violence in his voice.

CROW: Oy, but it was horrorshow blood thirst violence, oh my brothers. What'll it be then, eh?

> He then jumped at Remy but something stopped him in mid air. A glowing
> yellow/orange surrounded Wolverine all over.

MIKE: Logan really ought to lay off the LSD...

TOM: The yellow/orange, grown in the tropics of southern Ecuador, is prized for it's tangy, vitamin-packed pulp.

> Logan knew who it was who had stopped him--Jean Grey, also known as the
> Phoenix.

TOM: Hey, don't forget "also known as Marvel Girl."

CROW: Move into the 90s, fanboy.

> As Jean Grey stepped into the training area she let Wolverine go. He
> looked at her for a moment, then gave her a wink.

CROW: Mentos - the freshmaker!

> Jean Grey was Charles Xaviers very first student and his fifth x-man.

MIKE: Uh...I don't get it...

> Jean's costume said it all-she was the Phoenix with her green trends and

TOM: The hip teens of Southern California began following all the green trends
that Jean set.

> metallic gloves that went up her arms, and boots that went up her legs.

MIKE: You know, I'm glad Brower clarified that. Otherwise I might have thought the gloves went up her legs, and the boots went up her arms.

> She also wore a silky golden shash that wrapped around her waist and
> hung down her right side-and of course, she also had the Phoenix insignia
> on her chest which represented who she was.

CROW: And her chest itself, which represented the kind of biology-defying proportions that made Marvel what it was!

> "I was in the neighborhood....

ALL: In the neighborhood, in the neigh-boor-hood, yes Phoenix is a hero in your neighborhood...in your neighborhood...in your neigh-boor-hood!

> so I thought I'd stop by and see how you guys were doing," Phoenix said with a
> smile.

> "We're doing great chere, just great!"

CROW: [Gambi]} You meddling cow!

> Gambit said a little thankful that Jean had shown up when she did.

TOM: Now wait a minute, "cher" is man, and "cherie" is woman...what's "chere?"

CROW: An aging rock star with an extra "e" added via plastic surgery?

> "Well good, I'm going now, so play nice you two, okay!" Jean said as she
> was walking out.

CROW: Jean Grey, hall monitor. I knew that sash was for something.

> "Yes ma'am," Logan said trying to be funny.

TOM: In much the same way that Al Gore tries to be energized.

> After Jean walked out, Wolverine and Gambit's training began again.
> Jean walked round the Xavier grounds just to walk.

MIKE: After that she decided to eat just to eat, and to go to bed just to go to bed.

TOM: I like Brower's portrayal of Jean Grey: Existentialist.

> She was still in her costume

CROW: Nuts, I was hoping for a nudie scene!

> and saw Hank McCoy, a.k.a. the Beast and Kitty Pryde, a.k.a. Shadowcat. The
> two waved at Jean and Jean waved back.

ALL: [Barney the Dinosaur] I look through the window, and whooo do I see? X-men, friends X-men, waaaaving at me...

> She then started to go back in, but suddenly she got a flash of images in her
> mind.

CROW: It's a rare condition called THINKING. We realize you may find this new experience unsettling.

> "What's this...I-I don't know?" Jean thought.

CROW: Well, if you were going to answer your own question, why the heck bother ASKING it? I swear, heroines these days, they'e sooo inconsiderate...

> The images kept coming faster and faster until she finally got a clear
> picture of what she was seeing.

MIKE: Yeah, when I need to see something more clearly, I generally run it faster and faster till it clears up.

> To Phoenix's bewilderment she saw images of two women, one woman with a
> fighting staff calling out to another woman with the name of Xena. Jean sensed
> that these two were good friends.

ALL: Cough! Cough! Good friends! Cough! Cough!

> She then saw another woman--a crazed woman with blond hair

MIKE: Courtney Love?

TOM: Hillary Clinton?

CROW: One of the Hansons?

> who tried to kill the other two women, and laughed with excitement at the same
> time.

MIKE: I think I remember this character from Brower's Space: Above and Beyond / Gummi Bears crossover.

TOM: No, no, I think it was his Nightmare on Elm St / Archie crossover.

> Jean Grey then fell back, unconscious.

> Hank and Kitty heard her fall back and rushed to her aid. When they
> finally reached her, Jean Grey awakened. She sat up and told them what
> she had seen.

CROW: [Dorothy] And you were there! And...and you were there! And...

> Hank and Kitty looked at each other, then back at Jean.
> They both helped her up, but Jean told them she was fine and she
> continued to walk back into the mansion. Jean kept walking, thinking
> about the vision she had seen, but none of it made any sense to her--still
> she kept walking.

CROW: None of it makes any sense to us, either -- still, we keep reading.

> Greece, a place of beauty and wonder-but now it's a place of fire and
> ruins, for there is a great battle being fought between two mortals and a
> Goddess.

CROW: Whoaaaaaaaaahhhh....hello? Transition? TRANSITION?

MIKE: I'm a little nauseous from that lurch...Pearl, I think we need a break...

[1....2...3...4...5....6]

TOM: Whew! This X-Men/Xena Warrior princess crossover is even more wearing than that Spawn/Murder She Wrote crossover Pearl sent us last week.

CROW: Yeah, but you've got to admit it beats the Silence of the Lambs/Teletubbies crossover three weeks ago.

ALL: [shudder]

MIKE: Well, in keeping with our Greek theme, I've always wondered why fraternities and sororities call themselves Greek organizations. I mean, they use the letters and all, but is there any deeper meaning?

TOM: Well, Mike, fortunately for us, we live in an unparralelled age of technological advances. Gypsy here has invented a time machine by which we can defy the laws of physics, part the curtains of the aeons, rend asunder the fabric of chronology and pluck forth the great Greek thinkers to answer your question.

MIKE: Um, I'm not sure that's the smartest idea, Tom. I mean, wouldn't it be easier just to do some research, get a dictionary, maybe hop on the internet? Why risk changing history...you know, screwing up our space-time continuum and stuff like they yell about on Star Trek?

TOM: You small-minded fools have always tried to limit the advances of science! But no longer! Gypsy, wheel in the device!

GYPSY: (Pushes a mess of wires and gizmos) Here you go, Tom. Now remember, don't cross the red wires with the--

TOM: No time for prattle! Englightenment awaits! (throws switch)

<Flashes of color, lights flicker, smoke.>

CROW (emerges, dressed in toga and beard): Behold, I am Socrates, wisest of the Athenians!

MIKE: Um, he looks an awful lot like Crow...

TOM: (genuflecting) Ignore him, oh wise one, he is merely the village idiot. I, Tom Servo, have scooped you from Ancient Greece to answer this question: why do fraternities and sororities call themselves Greek organizations?

CROW: My, ah, wise mind is a little fuzzy. Perhaps a few shots of vodka will loosen my thoughts.

TOM: Quickly, Mike, fetch the wise one that which he asks.

MIKE: Hmm, I'm starting to see a connection here...

[Warning light flashes]

MIKE: ...and I'm starting to see we've got fanfic again!

[6....5...4..3...2....1]

> They are Xena who's known as the warrior princess and her partner Gabrielle
> who's an amazon princess.

CROW: And in the background there was Rachel Klosenberg, who's a Jewish princess, and then She-Ra, who's princess of power, and then the Artist Formerly Known as Princess, and then...

> Against them is one of Xena's most deadly enemies. Her name is Callisto, a
> Goddess who's bent on destroying everything, and her goal is to kill Xena and
> everything that means something to her.

TOM: Well, duh. I mean, wouldn't Xena and everything that means something to Xena fall under the definition of "everything?"

> Already Xena's paid the ultimate price-the death of her son Solen, thanks to
> Gabrielle's evil daughter Hope, who was aided by Callisto herself.

CROW: Wait, Xena had a son? I thought she...well...you know...didn't like...

TOM: Must you be so small minded? It's a well known fact that the ancient Greeks were masters of the art of artificial insemination, as well as innovative birthing techniques like children that popped fully grown and armored out of
people's heads.

> Now Xena was out to get the hinds blood which is the only thing that can
> kill a God, Her goal was to kill Callisto, but that was going to be hard to
> do now.

MIKE: Yeah, gods are usually so easy to kill.

>"Give up, Xena--you can't hope to defeat me now, can you?" Callisto
> said laughing. "Oh, and I've hidden the Hinds blood so don't hope to get
> that either, okay,",

CROW: [Callisto] Yeah, no way am I gonna put it in plain sight, like last time.

> Callisto said, smiling, as she threw a ball of fire at both Xena and Gabrielle,

TOM: Goodness gracious!

> but failed to hit them.

CROW: Callisto, goddess of bad aim.

> Xena began to run after Callisto. As Xena came nearer, Callisto shot out
> a lightning bolt at her. When Xena saw this, she jumped up and flipped,
> and began to descend to the ground. Xena then landed, and without
> hesitation she gave Callisto a swift right punch in the face that made
> Callisto cry out.

CROW: Geez, for a goddess, she's kind of a wuss.

> Xena then began to kick Callisto in the face and stomach, while behind
> Callisto, Gabrielle was getting ready to dump a pile of rocks on Callisto
> from a hill right above them.

MIKE: Those conveniently placed piles of rocks are so...well...convienient!

> Xena kicked Callisto in the face and yelled out to Gabrielle to knock them
> over. Immediately, Callisto looked up and saw what was about to happen.

TOM: Well, maybe you shouldn't have yelled your plan out, Xena.

> She then looked at Xena, and laughed as Gabrielle knocked the rocks over.
> Callisto used her goddess powers and switched places with Xena, and the rocks
> all fell on top of Xena, Gabrielle rushed to where Xena was buried, but
> Callisto laughed out loud and disappeared.

CROW: What? Why end the run-on-sentence there? You can continue it! How about "fled from Xena while Gabrille took the rocks of Xena and talked to Xena while a bird flew overhead and called to Xena"...the fun never has to stop!

> Meanwhile, Jean Grey walked into the rec

TOM: .arts.badfiction.spam.spam

> room, where she sat down on one of the couches, and drifted off to sleep.
> In her sleep Jean Grey saw herself walking down this place where the
> setting was pitch black and all that was there was nothing.

MIKE: All that was there isn't technically nothing. I mean, she's there.

> Jean continued down the nothingness until she saw a flashing blue light.
> Jean wondered what it was--

CROW: Oh my G-d, she's in K-Mart! Run Jean, run!

> she started to walk faster until she finally began to run towards it. As Jean
> approached it, she saw a figure of a woman coming through. Jean looked hard at
> the figure but it was still too distant to really tell who or what it was. Jean
> got closer to it, and she then saw the image more clearly. She was right--it
> was a figure of a woman coming through it. The woman got closer, and Jean was
> still looking at her to see who she was, but she still couldn't tell.

TOM: Amazing!

MIKE: What, Jean's vision?

TOM: No, how Brower can spend an entire paragraph essentially stating the same thing.

> Jean began to step back, but to her surprise the mystery woman jumped
> out of the light and knocked her to the ground. The blue light then got
> brighter to the point where Jean began to squint her eyes. The mysterious
> woman approached Jean, and began to laugh at her. Jean wondered why
> she was laughing at her,

CROW: Then she saw she had a big run in her stocking.

> but for some reason Jean couldn't use her telepathic powers.
> "You can't use your powers in her dearie," the mystery woman said, still
> laughing some.

TOM: Whose dearie?

CROW: Hers, apparently.

MIKE: Just go with it.

> Jean did not answer, and then tried to get a good look at the woman's
> face, but couldn't do it with the blue light flashing in her face.

CROW: Haven't we been through this, like, a thousand times already? Ok, Brower, we KNOW there's freaking blue light, and a female form, and Jean doesn't know who it is! Get over it! Move ON!

MIKE: Easy, there, big guy. That must be the vodka talking.

> Then the mystery woman stood between Jean and the flashing light, and all of a
> sudden, the setting changed from a pitch black land, to a fiery hellish land.

TOM: Newark, New Jersey.

> Jean, who was still lying on the ground, began to look around.
> "Beautiful is it not?", the mystery woman said. "I think so anyway."

MIKE: The mystery woman is Governer Christie Todd Witman?

> "Why do you say that?" Jean Grey said still looking around at where she
> was.

> "I don't know, maybe because I was sent here for a while and came to
> terms with the beauty of it. Beautiful it is," the mystery woman said
> laughing some as she walked around to the front of Jean.

TOM: Maybe we'll feel the same about this fanfic if we sit here reading it long enough.

CROW: Unlikely.

> "Well...I-I think it's terrible," Jean said slowly looking up from the
> woman's feet to her face.

CROW: [Callisto] Who asked you?

> "You wouldn't say that if you were forced to stay here," the mystery
> woman said taking out her sword.

MIKE: The rent's pretty cheap, and the neighbors are friendly. Plus we get free cable.

> Jean Grey then looked up at her face and saw that it was Callisto--the evil
> woman who was trying to kill the other two women in her vision.

> Callisto then lifted the sword up, and as Jean watched in horror (fully
> knowing she couldn't use her powers), Callisto brought it down on
> her--fast.

CROW: Who-hoo, end of story!

> Jean Grey woke up from her sleep screaming.

CROW: D'oh!

> Ororo Munroe, a.k.a. Storm rushed down to the rec

TOM: .bestiality.hamsterporn.squeak.squeak.ducttape.spam

> room, as did Wolverine, Beast, Gambit, and Shadowcat. When they all arrived,
> they saw Jean in tears,

MIKE: Geez, get over it, Jean. I mean, you're not dead, right? Sheesh. In my day, superheroines were made of sterner stuff.

> and she told them what she had seen. They all looked at each other with
> astounded looks on their faces.

TOM: Look, I look at the overusage of look with a puzzled look on my face. By the way, that Jean Grey's a real looker, eh?

> "I think you should get some rest Jean," Kitty Pryde said, helping Jean up
> from the couch. "I think you're right Kitty," Jean said getting up. "Thank
> you."

CROW: What, the ten minutes you spent passed out wasn't enough sleep for you?
You're right mike, she isn't much of a superheroine at all. Now, Linda Carter as Wonder Woman...mrrrowwwrr!

> As they all began to walk out, a flash of blue light appeared in front of
> them.

ALL: Step into the light, Carol Anne!

> "What de hell is dat," Gambit said in his cajun accent.

TOM: Oh, so it's a Cajun accent! I thought he just perpetually munched on ritz crackers.

> "I don't know, Cajun," Wolverine said just as surprised.

CROW: Cajun.

TOM: Look.

MIKE: Blue light.

> "It's just one of the things from my vision

CROW: [Wolverine] Oh, good, we can all relax now.

TOM: [Gambit] Yeah, I was worried for a moment, but it was just one of those things from her vision.

> and if I'm right were about to get some company," Jean said knowing what was
> about to happen. A woman appeared from the blue light,

MIKE: Blue light.

TOM: Look.

CROW: Cajun.

MIKE: You know, we're better than the Budweiser frogs. We coudla been huge!

> and Jean knew who she was. "Callisto," Jean Grey said.
> "That would be me," Callisto said smiling.

MIKE: Um, wouldn't they think it was the Morlock Callisto, who's on their side?

CROW: Naw, this Callisto's a babe.

> And with that Callisto wisked them away in the blue light.

> Now the X-men saw that they were not in the mansion, but in a land full
> of grass and trees.

CROW: Gasp! What is this strange, new alien world, so unlike our own?

> Storm demanded that Callisto told her and her team where she had brought them.

TOM: Tom then demanded that Brower even ATTEMPT to use proper grammar.

> Callisto refused and zapped Storm ten yards.

MIKE: She measured it, too.

> Wolverine jumped at Callisto in a rage, and unleashed his claws. He landed in
> front of her and without hesitation he thrust his claws in her stomach. To

CROW: [Butthead] Heh-heh...he said "thrust."

> Logan's surprise, Callisto did not die. She smiled at him in a deviant way, and
> kicked him off her.

> Gambit, Beast, and Shadowcat went for Callisto, but she easily took them
> down.

ALL: How?

> Callisto looked at who she just had defeated. She laughed out
> loud, and then she saw Jean.
> "Well, well, it's good to see you again, Jeannie."

ALL: Da-da, da da da da, da-da, da da da da...
(theme from I dream of Genie)

> "I wish I could say the same to you," Jean said with an attitude.

> "Now that the pleasantries are over, I'm going to grit you and this time

MIKE: "Grit you?"

TOM: Don't ask me. Maybe she wants to cook them with eggs on a skillet and serve them down south.

CROW: Um, you have any more of that vodka, guys?

> you won't be so lucky," Callisto said, determined to do just that.
> "Well, then I have something to tell you," Jean said.
> "And what would that be?" Callisto said wondering what Jean was about
> to tell her.

TOM: It's a secret. Promise not to tell?

MIKE: Cross my heart and hope to die? Stick a needle in your eye?

CROW: Eat a horse manure pie?

TOM: Hmph. Simpsons junkies.

> "Be afraid, be very afraid."

TOM: Be cliche, be very cliche

> "Afraid of you, please," Callisto said,

MIKE: [Jean] Um...thank you...I think...

> and blew a kiss of fire at Jean Grey.

ALL: Awww.

> Phoenix dodged to the right, and fell to the ground.

CROW: [Nelson] Ha-ha!

> Callisto kept shooting
> fire bolts at Jean, but all she could do was put up a psychic shield to
> protect herself which wasn't enough because Callisto was determined to
> destroy Jean Grey no matter what it cost.

MIKE: Um, maybe it's me, but I'm just not seeing the "cost" in this scenario. How about you, Tom?

TOM: Nope. Just another massive run-on sentence.

> As Jean was still enveloped in her psychic shield she looked around to
> see how the other X-men were doing, but all were still unconscious.
> Jean could still feel the full force of Callisto's blast and knew she couldn't
> let her sheild down for an instance.

TOM: For instance...

> "You can't keep this up forever you know!" Callisto said, still using her
> power.

MIKE: This story must have been written prior to Viagra.

> "You don't know that Callisto, I have more power than you!" Phoenix
> said powering up some.

> "Oh really....prove it," Callisto said stopping her blasting.

> "It's your funeral," Phoenix said.

CROW: [Callisto] Well, it's your bar mitzvah!

> Phoenix got up from the ground and stood up straight. She looked at
> Callisto and smiled, and then flew up in mid air and did something that
> stunned Callisto.

TOM: Yes?

> Jean Grey had the power of the Phoenix, and as a result
> of her power she could create a bird of fire that surrounded her from
> behind.

MIKE: You know, when I eat beans and then hold a lighter behind me, I can create a bird of fire from behind, too.

TOM: Way more info than we needed to know, Mike.

> Even though Callisto saw Jean's awesome power as Phoenix, she didn't
> hesitate to strike at her again. But this time it had no effect--Callisto kept
> shooting at Phoenix but it was useless;

CROW: Sounds like Callisto was trained in the NATO approach to a conflict.

> it was pretty obvious that Jean Grey was more powerful.
> Callisto then began to build up energy, and when she had the amount of
> power she wanted, she shot it all at Phoenix.
> This time Phoenix felt it, and wasn't pleased.

CROW: Well, maybe just a little...

> Jean used her psychic
> powers to attack Callisto--she shot an energy blast at Callisto, which
> made her fall to the ground.
> Jean then landed on the ground, with the Phoenix energy still around her,
> only to get hit with the multiple energy blasts Callisto was shooting.

[1....2...3....4....5.....6]

<Mike and Bots poring over scrolls and books, Crow dressed as Socrates again>

MIKE: So do you see Fraternities and Sororities mentioned anywhere?

TOM: Hmm, original copy of the Orestia... (tosses it away) First written recording of the Iliad... (tosses it away) Pericles' address to Athens (tosses it away)...Deed to Plato's summer home (tosses it away). Damn! I can't find it anywhere.

CROW: Admitting what you do not know is first step to wisdom, my son.

TOM: But tell me, Master Socrates...is Darth Vader my father?

CROW: Please insert another five drachmas for another vague and meaningless platitude.

TOM: Uh, Mike?

MIKE: (groans, reaches in pocket) Ok, fine, but he's almost cleaned me out and he still hasn't helped us find out the answer to my question. (Gives Crow the money)

CROW: Patience is the pavestone on the path of inner enlightenment. With two you get egg-roll.

TOM: Thank you, oh wise one.

MIKE: Ah...Tom...the only wisdom "Socrates" seems to possess is how to bilk us out of money.

CROW: Ah, my students, a bittersweet day has come. The pupil has transcended the Master. There is no more I can teach you now. (exits)

MIKE: Huh.

TOM: (picking up scroll) Hey, hey, Mike, look! According to this Hercules was suspected of illegal steroid use.

[communications light flashes]

MIKE: Hold on a moment...

[Astrobus]

PEARL: (madly driving) Dammit! Those date-happy asteroids are after me again!

ASTEROID: Come back, my love! Let me rock you to sleep!

OBSERVER: For hunks of rock and metal, they appear quite determined. You might even say...hmhm...they've replaced albedo with libido.

BOBO: Huh? I don't get it.

PEARL: Hey brain guy, why don't you use that mind to think us a way out of this mess?

OBSERVER: Well, we could dive straight for the nearest star, then veer off at the last moment. The astrobus' superior handling could theoretically take the pressure, while the asteroid's forward momentum would carry it into the core, hm-hm...incinierating it in a ball of flame.

BOBO: Oooh! Sounds pretty!

PEARL: Yeah, yeah, whatever. So where's the nearest star?

OBSERVER: Roseanne Barr.

PEARL: You know, your jokes really aren't that funny.

OBSERVER: No, I'm serious. By the end of the 21st century, Roseann had consumed so much of the Earth's food supply that she was exiled and shot into space. There she began consuming stellar matter to survive, becoming a miniature sun.

PEARL: Alright, then, hold on. (steers, everyone throws themselves to the right)

[Satelite of Love]

MIKE: Hmm. That was odd.

TOM: So I guess your question about Fraternities and Sororities kind of got lost in the shuffle of that subplot, eh Mike?

[light flashes]

MIKE: It's about to get even more buried, Tom...we've got fanfic again!

[6....5....4....3....2....1]

> Meanwhile, about five miles from where the battle was, Gabrielle was
> trying desperately to get Xena out from the rubble that had fallen on her.

TOM: Next on rescue 911...BC!

> Gabrielle was not giving up--she didn't think for a moment that her best
> friend could be dead. There were so many rocks that Gabrielle began to
> think she was too late to save her friend, but she did not give up.

MIKE: Gee, uh, you think she...um...wasn't giving up?

> Then all of a sudden, Xena's hand popped out from the pile of rocks.

ALL: Gyahhhhh! Eeeew!

> Gabrielle called out Xena's name and went to where her hand was pulling
> off the rocks. As Gabrielle kept pulling of rocks, Xena finished the job
> herself.

CROW: [Butthead] Heh heh...she finished the job...heh heh...

> With a sigh of relief, Gabrielle gave Xena a hug and knew she
> would be okay.

ALL: Friends! (cough cough)

> "Thank you, Gabrielle," Xena said with a smile. "I don't know what I do
> without you."

TOM: Possibly get a better role in a non-B television series.

> "Yeah, what would you do," said Gabrielle, laughing.

CROW: Be forced to turn to heterosexualism?

> "So--any sign of Callisto?" Xena said looking around the land.
> "After the rocks fell on you she just....disappeared," Gabrielle said. "And I
> also heard the strangest sound--like some kind of Eagle crying out."

TOM: [Gabrielle] Oh wait, that was just a Bank of Boston commercial. Never mind.

> Xena looked at Gabrielle for an instant, and then asked her where the
> sound came from. Gabrielle told her that it came from the north
> somewhere. Xena then told Gabrielle to get her stuff ready because they
> were going to find out what it was up north and how they could stop it.

CROW: Yeah, we gotta stop those eagles before they...um...cry again, and uh...put the world in jeapoardy...yeah...

> Storm, Gambit, Wolverine, Beast, and Shadowcat were still out cold,
> and only Jean was able to fight Callisto.

MIKE: I think Brower has left out transitions as a cost-saving measure.

> She got back up and brushed herself off only to see Callisto walking towards
> her. Without any warning Phoenix blasted Callisto with a mind blast that only
> seemed to slow her down some.

ALL: Go Jean!

> In return Callisto shot Jean with a energy bolt that made her fly twenty yards
> away. After Callisto saw what she had

ALL: Go Callisto!

> done, she began to scream with joy that she had finally defeated her foe.
> But her victory was short lived, and Jean Grey/Phoenix was not a happy
> camper.
> "You asked for it Callisto!" Phoenix said in a rage with her voice echoing
> each word she said.

ALL: Go Jean!

> Jean sensed that Callisto was actually afraid, but she didn't care--Callisto
> had gone too far, and now she was going to pay for it.

TOM: Um, I thought her mental "powers didn't work her, dearie."

CROW: Sssh. You're ruining the fight.

> Phoenix's first priority was the safety of the other X-men--

MIKE: Um, nice to address your first priority halfway through the fight.

TOM: Better late than never. Weren't you listening to Socrates?

MIKE: I don't know, I lost track of the platitudes somewhere after my fiftieth dollar.

> she used her fiery telekinetic powers to envelope them in a force field. She
> was now ready for the fight of her life--a goddess against a goddess--Callisto
> v.s. Jean Grey; this was a battle that would surely be remembered by many.

MIKE: Oh, so this was like, only the pre-game show.

> Xena and Gabrielle heard the sounds of battle,

TOM: [Prof Frink} Yes, the-a sounds of battle, with the ah, whooping, and the clagning, and the oh -my-gawd-the-agony, n'gwuk-hey...

CROW: Couldn't they just read them on the subway walls? Oh wait, that's the sounds of silence, never mind...

TOM: Actually, that's the words of the prophets.

CROW: Bite me, Dustin Hoffman.

> and they rushed towards
> the fight. Gabrielle felt worried and afraid--she wondered what they were
> about to get themselves into.

MIKE: Not to be a party-pooper, but, uh, what happened to the Eagle?

CROW: I think that was Phoenix. You know, bird, cry, etc. That'll be five more drachmas, by the way.

> As the two approched the second hill they felt a tremble in the ground and
> then saw an image they had never seen before--it was beautiful and
> terrifying at the same time. The image of Phoenix stunned them, but Xena
> and Gabrielle knew they had to go forth, and so they did.

CROW: Then they knew they had to die, so they did. End of story.

> They reached the top of the hill and saw Callisto fighting a woman who was
> making that Firebird image. Xena did not hesitate to run down that hill, and as
> she did she made this noise which said she was ready to fight.

MIKE: You know, I make this noise when I'm ready to use the bathroom.

TOM: Your scatalogical fixation today is a little unsettling, Mike.

> When Callisto heard this, she automatically knew who it was. She turned
> to face Xena, and didn't seem to care that Jean Grey was getting ready to
> hit her with another psi-bolt.
> Xena stopped right in front of Callisto, and gave her a look as if she was
> going to rip her from end to end. Gabrielle stood next to Xena and
> noticed Callisto--but she also noticed Jean Grey, and that Jean was
> getting ready to hit Callisto with an energy blast.

TOM: I thought it was a psi-bolt.

> "Well hello, Xena and Gabrielle, how nice to see you again," Callisto said
> sarcastically.

MIKE: Whew. Good thing Brower clarified that. Otherwise I would've been confused, you know...might have thought they were pals...

> "Xena--do you see that woman behind Callisto?" Gabrielle whispered to
> Xena.

CROW: [Xena] Yeah. She's kind of hot.

> "Yeah, who is she?" Xena said, just noticing Jean Grey.

> "I don't know but I think in one moment we better dodge to the right,"
> Gabrielle said, warning Xena.

TOM: Hey, call it maneuver Riker Alpha.

> Xena gave her a nod and the two saw Jean Grey powering up, and
> getting ready to strike at Callisto. Xena and Gabrielle then dodged to the
> right and Callisto quickly turned around only to get shot with a blast that
> made her fly half a mile away from where they were.

ALL: Go Jean!

> The blast Phoenix shot, drained her to the point where she fell to her
> knees. Xena and Gabrielle helped her up and introduced themselves to
> Jean.

ALL: Hey. Hi. Whasup. Nice duds.

> Jean then walked to the other X-men, only to see them still out cold
> from Callisto's blast. Jean was beginning to get worried, and she psi
> scanned them to see if anything was wrong. Thankfully everything was
> fine--they had no internal, nor external damage,

TOM: Except for that gaping hole in Gambit's chest...and Wolverine's missing leg...

> and with that Jean put a
> psychic force field around them to protect them from anything.

> Xena and Gabrielle looked at Jean in awe and asked her if she was some
> kind of goddess. Jean laughed a little and told them she wasn't. She said
> she was a normal human being, just like them--she had only been born
> with special abilities.

CROW: [Jean] My daddy always told me I was special...then he bought me a Lexus...

> She explained that she was a mutant born with the
> power to read minds, lift objects with her mind, and the ability to fly. She
> demonstrated all these talents to them and the two were
> impressed--especially Gabrielle.

TOM: [Gabrielle] Say, Jean, are you, um...doing anything this Friday night?

> Jean, Xena and Gabrielle began to walk around. Xena and Gabrielle
> were interested in Jean and who she was.

MIKE: I'll bet.

> Jean started to tell them about
> her visions of them, but suddenly she grew silent. Gabrielle asked Jean
> what was wrong, but Jean said nothing--she put her hands on her head as
> if she was probing somebody, but she had a look of pain in her face, and
> then a flash of light appeared in front of them--blinding them all, and
> striking Jean, which made her cry out in extreme pain.

ALL: Extreeeeeeeeemme Pain!

> The flash was gone in a moment, and Xena and Gabrielle saw Jean lying
> on the ground unconscious. They went to Jean, to see what was wrong
> with her, and in that moment Jean woke up to discover her powers were
> gone.

TOM: [Jean] Dammit, I could have sworn I left them on the countertop...

> She quickly got up and began to panic. She then remembered that
> this had happened to her before, when Psylocke battled the Shadow
> King, and the Astral Plane was destroyed.

MIKE: You know, I hate it when that happens.

> That time Jean had gotten her
> powers back after a while, but she couldn't bear losing them again.

> Gabrielle walked over to Jean, and asked her what was wrong.
> "My....my powers are gone--I-I don't know what to do," Jean said, and
> began to cry.

CROW: Geez, suck it up! Walk it off! Deal!

> "It's all right Jean--we'll find who or what is responsible for this,"
> Gabrielle said, giving Jean a hug. "I promise you."

MIKE: Gabrielle sure moves in like a barracuda. I wonder if Xena gets jealous.

TOM: Maybe she likes to watch.

> "I think I know who's responsible for Jean losing her powers, and if I'm
> right she's about to pay us a visit," Xena said, looking around, waiting for
> their all time nemesis to pop up.

> "You're talking about Callisto!" Gabrielle said, feeling what Xena was
> feeling.

CROW: [Jean] Oh, you're sooooo perceptive, Gabrielle! I just know we're gonna be bestest friends!

> "Yes," Xena said, getting her sword out and ready to fight...
> Callisto appeared in a flash of light.

TOM: Then they fought all through the night.

MIKE: They sparred and clashed with all their might.

CROW: Although the writing's rather trite.

> She looked at Xena, then at Gabrielle, and finally at Jean Grey, and began to
> laugh.
> "Now, how does it feel to be powerless--

TOM: [Jean] Kind of like a rolling stone.

> scary, huh--well get used to it, because now it's your turn to be afraid."
> Xena looked at both Jean and Gabrielle, and back at Callisto with her
> sword pointed at her.

> "You did this to me--you made me lose my powers, I swear you'll pay for
> this you crazy witch!" Jean said with such anger in her voice,

TOM: [Indigo Montoya] 'Alo. My name is Jean Grey. You stole my powers. Prepare to die.

> that it made Callisto feel even more happy.
> "All right Callisto this is it, right here right now, as of today the fight
> ends here!" Xena said very disturbed by the sight of Callisto.

MIKE: But how can you be sure she was disturbed?

> "Whatever you say, but know this--I will win, because without Phoenix's
> power you have no hope of winning,"

CROW: Win!

TOM: Look!

MIKE: Blue Light!

> Callisto said pointing her right hand at the three women, and with that she fired...

> To be concluded

CROW: She fired a "to be concluded!" Everybody hit the deck!

[1.....2.....3.....4.....5.....6]

CROW: Well, I hope this taught you kids a lesson about tossing psi-bolts instead of talking things out.

TOM: Now that it's over, I'm actually awaiting the sequel. I've gotten used to my fix of run on sentences and repeated words that I'd like to see in a sequel, so whenever Brower writes a sequel with more run on sentences and repeated words, I'd be happy to read the sequel and point out the run on sentences and repeated words.

MIKE: Sigh. I guess I'll never find out why fraternities and sororities are called Greek organizations.

TOM: Hold on, Mike, don't give up yet. Remember, we still have our trusty time machine.

MIKE: Oh, so we can bring back Crow dressed as another philosopher just to bilk us for more money?

CROW: I like this plan. Go on.

TOM: No, no, no, I'm serious about this. Let me just set the dial for the 1980s and...

<bright flashes of light>

CROW: Look up in the sky! It's a bird! It's a plane! It's...

ALL: JOHN BELUSHI!!!

BELUSHI: (as BLUTO BLUTARSKI from ANIMAL HOUSE, jeg of beer under each arm): Heeeyyyyyyy! Toga! Toga!

(enter hordes of college students, loud music, start passing out beer)

MIKE: (hands over ears, straining to talk) Mister Belushi! Mister Belushi! I've got a question, why--

BELUSHI: (stuffs Jelly Donut in Mike's mouth) Yeaaaahhhhhh!

TOM: Whoo-hoo, let's party like it's 599 BC!

CROW: Dibs on the blonde chick!

TOM: Which blonde chick?

CROW: Who cares! Let's tap the keg!

MIKE: (munching) Mrphh, well, um, I guess this is it for now...

[comm-light flashes]

[Astrobus]

PEARL: Nelsooooon! What in the galaxy are you doing there?

[Satelite]

MIKE: Um, I can't hear you over the music, Pearl...

[Astrobus]

PEARL: Are you throwing a party there? And you didn't invite me? I swear, if I get out of this mess alive, I'm going to throw you the worst fanfic you've ever seen...

BOBO: Lawgiver! We're nearing Roseann's corona!

ROSEANN VOICE: Ha ha ha...BELCH...

OBSERVER: Shields! All power to shields!

(bus shakes)

[Satelite]

MIKE: Wow, I hope she's ok.

TOM: Um...not to put a damper on your boy-scoutness, Mike, but I'm rooting for Roseann.

CROW: Anyway, relax. The MIST's over, and it'll be at least a few weeks before the author finds another fanfic bad enough to have Pearl throw at us.

TOM: Yeah, man. Chill! Party! Whooooooo!

MIKE: Um, okay...

<crash, sparks>

BELUSHI: (holding a fistful twisted computer components) Hey, these weren't important, were they?

[End]