Maximum Carnage 2 (plus two shorts)

[This MSTing is dedicated to pro wrestler Marcus "Buff" Bagwell, who was
"lucky" enough to get a move done wrong on him and thus suffer spinal shock
syndrome while I was writing this MSTing. Get well soon, Buff!]

Well, my fourth MSTing. It's sort of a triple feature... First, two BGC
shorts, the first seemingly written just for the express purpose of the
author inserting himself as Priss' boyfriend. The second's a completely
pointless short about the origin of Nene's hacking skills. At least it's
supposed to be... The feature presentation (so to speak) is Maximum Carnage
2. And if you've read the original and/or Seth Triggs' MSTing of it, then
you'll probably understand why that basically says it all. Mind you, this
was written by a friend of the author of the original and instead of *his*
usual badly plotted blood-and-gore fight scenes, it has badly plotted
pseudo-romantic tripe.

Oh, and I felt like using Mike this time around and bringing in a Special
Anime Guest Star (TM). So there.

* * *

Mystery Science Theatre 3000 belongs to the people at Best Brains Inc.
[censored] belongs to [censored] and [censored]. (Of course, most people
probably haven't ever heard of her... but I want to preserve the suspense
for anyone who has.)

Sailor Moon belongs to Naoko Takeuchi, Kodansha and a lot of other people
who aren't me. Bubblegum Crisis belongs to Artmic, Youmex and a lot of other
people who also aren't me.

Any other anime/movies/television shows/whatever mentioned within belong to
their respective owners. Unless they don't, in which case they probably
belong to me.

Maximum Carnage belongs to "JB", Scared out of Control belongs to Ben Kosse
and Nene's Hacking Skills belongs to entropy. If any of you for some reason
read this, please don't take this as a slur against you, because it isn't.
All riffs are directed at the characters/ideas in the fics. They aren't
flames and shouldn't be construed as such.

( Turn Off Your Brain, Where Applicable. )

In the not too distant future, [ A shot of a starscape...]
Up in the S.o.L., [ Zoom in on the SoL. ]
Mike Nelson and his robot pals, [ Mike turns to face Cambot ]
Have been condemned to hell. [and we zoom back to see the other Bots. At "hell", Fanfic sign goes off.]
Their friendly local lunatic cranks, [fade to SoL then zoom down]
Dr. Forrester and TV's Frank, [to a shot of Dr. F and Frank.]
Have decided that they hate Mike's guts, [Dr. F and Frank shooting darts at a picture of Mike]
So they shot him into space
And tried to drive him nuts. [Dr. F ranting at Mike.]

(Leeettt Meeee Doooooowwwn!) [A rocket going around the Earth]
[Dr. F and Frank, with yellowed parchment Dr. F speaks first.]
We'll send him cheesy fanfics,.
The worst we can find (la la la)
He'll have to sit and read them all, [A back shot of Mike n' the Bots in the theater... fade to a side shot of the same scene.]
And we'll monitor his mind (la la la) Now keep in mind Mike can't control, [Part of the door sequence.]
Where the fanfics begin or end, (la la la) [A confused Mike reads "E-Z ROBOT Repair as Crow's head burns...]
He'll try to keep his sanity,
With the help of his robot friends [Fade to Mike, tied and gagged
begging the Bots to free him.]
ROBOT ROLL CALL! ["Robot Roll Call" appears on a
blank screen, word by word.]
Cambot! (Roll 'em!) [Cambot.]
Gypsy! (Oh, dear!) [Gypsy.]
Tom Servo! (I'm huge!) [Tom.]
Crooooooow! (Bite me!) [Take a wild guess. ;)]
If you're wondering how he eats [The SoL flies across the screen then Dr. F and Frank
appear from under it.]
and breathes, And other science facts, (la la la)
Repeat to yourself "It's just a show, [Mike and co. hiding behind a table with explosives on it.]
I should really just relax, For Mystery Science Theater 3000 (v. 2.0)!" [Dr. F trying to pay off a
policeman, fade to the MST3k globe.]

Best Brains on Drugs Presents...
MSTed by Blazej Szpakowicz (zek@csi.uottawa.ca)
Based on a Sailor Moon/Venom fanfiction by "JB"

MYSTERY SCIENCE THEATRE 3000 (version 2.0)
EPISODE B02: MAXIMUM CARNAGE 2

(with shorts:
SCARED OUT OF CONTROL by Ben Kosse
and
NENE'S HACKING SKILLS by entropy)

Mike Nelson looked at the dog-eared telephone book in front of him. Beide
him, Tom Servo indicated something with a nod of his dome, but Mike just
shook his head in response. Then he looked away from the table for a moment
only to notice that he and Tom were not exactly alone. "Oh, sorry! Hi,
everybody, I'm Mike Nelson and this is Tom Servo! Welcome to the Satellite
of Love! We've been... Excuse me, *I've* been trying to find a halfway
decent place to order out from. They're sort of scarce, especially since the
SoL doesn't get very good delivery..." *grumble* "Um, excuse me..."

"Okay," Mike intoned fervently, turning his eyes back to the book, "um...
say, Li's Ramen. I recall that being edible at least..."

He went back to the phone booth and, seconds later stomped right back out
again. "What is this??" he muttered angrily, "have they declared some new
International holiday while I've been up here?" Smoldering slightly, he
turned the page. "Um... Togo's Pizza. I'll try there..."

*ring* Of course, it would be busy ag...*ring*...ain, what with his *ring*
luck... *click* No, wait! "Um, hello?"

"HeLlO."

"Um... sorry?"

"HeLlO. tHiS iS tOrGo'S pIzZa. ThIs Is ToRgO sPeAkInG. i TaKe CaRe Of ThE
pLaCe WhIlE tHe MaStEr'S gOnE. mAy I tAkE yOuR oRdEr?"

"Um, never mind... Wrong number..." Mike shuddered briefly. That was *too*
close. Okay, next one... Oh, that looks okay..."

He dialed another number and waited briefly. *rin-click* Oh, that was quick!
"Hello. You have reached the Relief Goddess Office Technical Help Line. A
consultant will be down to help you shortly." *click*

"Not again!"

A shower of golden light appeared out of nowhere and in its center was a
familiar figure...

"Oh, Belldandy. Hi."

The Goddess frowned. "Mike? That's strange... You shouldn't have gotten more
than one wish... Yggdrasil must've broken down again... I'll have to talk to
Skuld about it." She sighed and shook her head then swiftly smiled, "not
that I mind, of course... Well, you know how it works... What's your wish?
Oh and... you might want to wish for something *useful* this time. Like,
say... getting out of here?"

Mike grinned sheepishly. "I was sort of thinking along those lines, Bell-
chan. Okay, I... Hold on, I'll get everyone else in here..." Mike paused for
a second to turn around and then called out, "Gypsy! Croooow!"

Gypsy poked her head in shortly and looked quizzically over at Mike. "Mike,
what's..." Then she paused in surprise. "Is that...?"

"Yeah, that's right, Gypsy. We're getting outta here. Crow! Dammit, where is
he?"

Tom piped up in response, "I think he was taking a shower."

"A shower? How... Never mind. I'll tell him when he gets out. Okay, Bell-
chan. I..."

"You now, Mike... I was thinking... It's so *boring* around here..." Crow
chatted idly, walking into the room. Everyone stood very, very still, not
talking, not breathing (much), not anythinging; almost dreading his next
words. "I really wish..." Almost as one, everyone shook their heads at him,
but he didn't notice. Unseen, Belldandy rolled her eyes, "...there were some
*girls* here!"

"Crow!" Mike finally managed to blurt out, "You, you...!"

"What? What?" A confused Crow asked angrily. Then he noticed the figure in
the corner. "Oh no, not again!"

Belldandy shook her head disbelievingly. "I don't believe it! Two chances
and you still... Well, maybe at least this time it won't be m..." Suddenly,
her eyes began to glow. "YOUR WISH HAS BEEN APPROVED." The glow disappeared
and Belldandy soon started to do the same. "Ah, well. At least it's not
me... Have fun, guys. Better luck next time, Mike..." And then she was gone.

Meanwhile, something reached out, looking for something. The something
wasn't very specific, so it skipped any particular somethings already
occupied. Soooo, it found a seemingly free something, whose TV series had
ended but who hadn't been fanficked yet...

"Crow! You... You.. You... You *idiot*!" Mike all but screamed. "How could
you...."

"Um... sorry?" Crow ventured meekly.

"It's all right..." Mike paused and took a deep breath, "It's not really
your fault, I guess. You couldn't have known. Wait... didn't you make a
wish? Where's...?"

"What the hell?" The soft, steady voice came from behind them. None of them
recognized it.

"Ah well. At least *something* good might come out of this..." Crow said
weakly. Then he turned around... and promptly began banging his head on the
table.

The source of the voice was, in fact, a girl. Unfortunately, she looked to
be about thirteen years old. She stared at Crow then asked, "Is that thing
okay?"

Mike stared at her speechlessly for a few seconds before responding. "Uh...
yeah, basically. Umm... Hi, I'm Mike Nelson. These are Tom Servo, Crow,
Gypsy and Cambot... Who are you?"

The girl examined him for a few seconds before replying. "Ruri Hoshino. Why
am I here? What is here?"

"Well, 'here' is the Satellite of Love... It's sorta hard to explain...
What're we gonna..." *beep beep beep* "Oh, hold on... the Powers of Pain are
calling..."

Mike patched himself through to Deep Thirteen... and found himself looking
at himself. Then he winced (understandably) as a dart landed right between
his eyes. He looked at the edge of the Hexfield Viewscreen... and, sure
enough, there he saw Dr. Clayton Forrester and TV's Frank, playing darts on
what appeared to be a lifesize picture of his head.

"Ah, good throw, Frank! Right in the Mikeseye! That's... how many points?"
Dr. Forrester turned slightly and noticed Mike. "Ah, Nelson! We were just
thinking about you!" He chuckled slightly, "As you can see, we've been
playing darts!"

TV's Frank walked up to the screen. And held up several blown-up
photographs. "As you can see, we've made ones for politicians," A photo of
Dan Quayle appeared in his hands, "movie stars," Jim Carrey, "Musicians,"
Michael Jackson, "and Bill Gates! Of course, this particular one," he
pointed to the photo of Mike strung up on the wall, "isn't for sale.
Actually, you want to know something?" He leaned towards the screen and
whispered, "I'm winning!" He nodded meaningfully.

"No you're not!" Dr. F. exclaimed angrily.

"Am too!"

"Are not!"

"Am..."

"Sirs, that's very mean!" Mike interrupted.

Dr. F. turned to him and smiled beatifically. "Why, Nelson, how kind of you.
Thank you! Just for that, I'll go easy on you today..." Mike started to
smile, "...just joking. Ah, I kill me!"

"You're the paragon of humour, your evilness!" said TV's Frank.

"Why, thank you, Frank!"

Suddenly, Ruri, who had been listening silently to the exchange, shook her
head and said "What a windbag."

Dr. F. suddenly paused to look stupidly at her, as though noticing her for
the first time. (Which he had, incidentally) "What's *that* doing here?"

Mike blinked, "Oh that's... Ruri. She just sort of... popped in."

"How did she...? Never mind! I guess she'll have to go in with you."

"But, sir! You can't do that! That's child abuse!"

Ruri frowned slightly, "I can take care of..."

Dr. F. and TV's Frank had been looking at Mike with something approaching
exasperation. As one, they turned towards the screen and said, "We're
*evil*!!"

Dr. Forrester shook his head ruefully, "I mean, seriously... Anyway, Nelson,
Bots and... um... *you*, your experiment today is a crossover between
everyone's favourite, or possibly least favourite, skimpy, sailor-suited
teen super-heroine... people... things, the Sailor Sushi or Senshi or
whatever, and that black garbed vigilante, super hero, super villain, black
amorphous blob alien costume guy... or not... Venom... sort of. It's
entitled Maximum Carnage... 2. And it's... well, you'll see."

"But first, to get you into the mood, here's a couple of truly horrible
Bubblegum Crisis shorts, "The origin of Nene and her marvelous hacking
abilities" and "Scared out of Control". Read 'em and weep, Mickie-poo. Send
them the fic, Frank."

"Yes, sir, your Evilnessness, sir!"

*beep beep beep*

"OH, NO! WE'VE GOT FANFIC SIGN!" yelled everyone except for Ruri.

"What's going on here??" asked said exception

"Well..." started Mike, "Oh, it'd take too long to explain... Come on..."

Door One...

Door Two...

Door Three...

Door Four...

Door Five...

Door Six...

> bmk7411@cs.rit.edu (Ben Kosse)

Crow: ...is being hunted by a posse for this fic.
Mike: That was sort of lame. Anyway, it hasn't even started yet...
Crow: Yeah, but we know it'll be bad. Why else would Dr. F send it up?

> Scared out of control

Tom: ...and run-on-sentenced out of run-on-sentence.

> by Ben Kosse (bmk7411@cs.rit.edu)

Tom: "cs.rit.edu"? If that's a dyslexic's way of saying this fic is educational...
Ruri: Do you guys always do this?
Crow: Well, yeah.

> Well, there's not too much I can say to introduce this
> story, other than it's the best re-creation of the dream I
> had just prior to writing it.

Crow: Somehow I doubt this will be Kubla Khan...

> It really tells me what being a fan of Priss is like.

Mike: Yeah, but what sort of fan?
Crow: Maybe an obsessive, slightly psychotic True Love kind of fan?

> Copyright (C) Ben Kosse, 1996, All rights reserved. The
> characters are copyright by their respective owners. Feel
> free to duplicate this

Tom: Damn! If he hadn't said that, he could've sued Dr. F. for using it and
we might get outta here...

> however, if it included in any
> collection sold at more than duplicating price (including
> cost of the medium), then you must send me a free,
> registered (if it is software), and legal copy (e.g. If it
> costs you $2.00 to make a copy and you charge $3.00, you
> must send me a copy). Otherwise, enjoy.

Mike (author): Send me money. Please send me money. *Please* send me money.
Tom: Of course, the question is why would anyone *want* to do the above?

> Please, tell me what you think, good or bad. My E-Mail
> address is: bmk7411@cs.rit.edu

Crow: Yeah, and this fic's probably a cyst too.

> ------------------------------------------------------------

Mike: Clear roads tonight...

> It was incredibly stormy that night.

Mike: It was a dark and cliched night...

> The rain was so
> furious that you couldn't see more than 10 yards. I had just
> finished my fourth date with the rock star of the century:

Tom (narrator): Michael Jackson!
Mike: Blech! No thanks... Bad image...

> Priss Asagiri.

All except Ruri: Aaaaghhh....
Ruri: I don't like the look of this...

> I knew she was a Knight Sabre, and I knew
> that she was taking her life into her hands by seeing me.

Crow (narrator): ...and I didn't give a damn!

> But, there was something that she saw in me that made her
> forget about that rule.

Tom: Oh, she was feeling suicidal.

> It was the same thing I saw in her,
> which made me kowtow to her desires.

Mike (narrator): And of course, the drugs helped too.
Crow: Her desires? All of 'em?
Mike: Crow...
Ruri: Is he always like this?
Tom: Oh, he's just starting...

> I had a hunch that
> something horrible would happen, but I didn't know exactly
> what

Ruri: This maybe?
Tom: Ahh, you learn fast.

> and I tried desperately to sleep.

Crow: But that which you are reading gave me nightmares the whole night
through.

> A huge thunderclap startled me awake.

Ruri (narrator): Mako, is that you?
Tom: Oh, is he her old boyfriend?
Ruri: Probably.

> I figured that
> sleep would be a futile effort until the storm passed.
> Instead, I flipped on the radio, to see if anything exciting
> was happening in the world out there.

Mike: Paging convenient plot device, come in convenient plot device...

> Maybe that's why I was seeing Priss.

Crow (narrator): 'Cause being "with" her was like turning the knobs on a
radio...
Mike: Crow...

> I wanted some excitement in my life. After 10
> years of Aikijitsu training, with 5 years of Muay-Thai while
> learning Aikijitsu, I instinctively avoided any punks on the
> street.

Tom (narrator): Yeah, I had never learned Aikijitsu and Muay-Thai properly.

> My job as a computer programmer paid the bills, and
> left me a substantial amount, but it wasn't exciting, not in
> the least.

Ruri (narrator): Thus these daydreams you are reading...

> The heavy rain and lightning caused the reception to be
> static-filled, and I could barely make it out.

Crow (announcer): Meanwhile, Artmic and Youmex have decided to sue <static>
for breach of contract and a Miss Priscilla Asagiri is considering a
defamation suit...

> "...secret live reporter has just...

Mike (announcer): ...quit. If you want to be pushed around like a slave for
less than minimum wage, please call our toll-free number at
1-800-555-BULL.
Tom: Megatokyo News... where the reporters sign in but they don't sign
off...
Others: (groan)

> the Knight Sabres have destroyed a secret, major mili

Crow (announcer): ...Vanilli collection.

> ...mer factory.

Tom: What-emer factory? Millimeter? Eyeliner?

> However, the Knight Saber
> in a dark blue and purple hardsuit was seriously wounded.

Ruri (announcer): It seemed to be intentional... and witnesses say she cried
out something about her boyfriend just before...

> "Oh my God!

All: ...ess?

> Priss!

> I knew where she was staying, and immediately phoned
> Arlene's house

Ruri: What's an Arlene?

> where Priss and Sylia were staying.

Tom: Ah, the local Roach Motel...

> No
> answer. Come on, pick up the phone. Oh god, please.

Crow: Harder, harder!
Mike: Crow!

> "Uhgh. Yeah?" An older woman's voice answered my
> prayers.

Ruri: Translation: his mother woke him up.

> "Arlene!..."

Tom (narrator): Would you care to not explain who you are, just to confuse
the readers?

> "No, I don't know where Priss is! Damnit, why do you
> have to call so late?

Mike: (narrator, small voice): I couldn't sleep...

> "I heard someone in a vehicle like hers was seriously
> hurt. It was just on the radio here." Arlene didn't know
> about their mysterious second life.

Tom: The Mysterious Second Life of Priss Asagiri... coming soon to a theater
near you...
Ruri: Maybe if she has two lives she could lend the Narrator one.

> "If she shows up, I'll call you."
> "Thank you. Thank you much."

Crow: "Very". You have three minutes to reassemble the above two phrases
into a comprehensible sentence.

> I slowly put down the
> phone. I began thinking back to how we had met.

All: Cue flashback...

> I had been training in the forest just outside Mega-Tokyo

Ruri (narrator): All three trees of it...

> when I heard some crashing sounds fairly nearby.

Mike: Stone Cold?

> Upon invesitgating, I discovered a Boomer carrying a large case.

Tom (narrator): Filled to the brim with Labatt Blue.
Crow: Maybe he was disposing of it?

> It was flying
> through some trees, causing the crashing sound that prompted
> me to investigate.

Ruri: Meanwhile, enironmentalists everywhere were preparing a funeral
pyre...

> Following it as best I could, I heard
> three laser shots, and saw a blue metalic figure crouched
> behind a tree.

Crow: Ahh, boomer tag.

> Slowly I crept up behind it, gently I
> lowering my katana and pistol into an attack position.

Mike (narrator): The katana said "stolen from the collection of Nodoka
Saotome" and the pistol was marked "property of Wyatt Earp".
Tom: What was he doing carrying that stuff around, anyway? Did he *know* he
was gonna run into Priss?
Crow: He might have... or maybe he was planning to film a "Time of the
Apes"/"Gunslinger" crossover.
Tom: Yuck!
Mike 'n' Ruri: Huh?

> I heard a tree crash behind me

Mike: Oh, looks like the tree had a bit too much to drink last night...

> and saw a boomer in front of me.

Crow: Did it destroy the tree behind him and then immediately teleport in
front of him?
Tom: It must have jumped through a plothole.

> The figure I had my weapons pointed at raised its right
> arm and fired at the oncoming boomer.

Ruri (Narrator): Unfortunately it hit me instead.

> About then, instinct took over, and I leaped into the figure

Crow (narrator): It was the closest I'd ever come to a woman.

> pushing it, no her,
> out of the way of the laser blast which disintigrated both
> the tree she was standing in front of, and a few trees
> beyond it.

Ruri: The whole forest, in other words?

> "Shit!" She screamed as she rolled over, and
> pointed that arm at my face.

Tom: The other arm was lying several feet away.

> "Who the hell are you?"
> "Ben.

All: *groan*
Mike: Blatant self insertion... Joy of joys.

> I just pushed you away from that boomer's laser
> blast." Where have I heard that voice before?

Mike: Gee, I wonder, where could you *possibly* have heard your voice
before?

> "Thanks." She leaped up, and ran towards the boomer.

Crow: Ahh, dumped for a boomer... How sad.

> It
> was the one I had seen first, or appeared to be the one,
> since it was carrying the case.

> Another of the feminine
> figures landed behind the boomer, and swung something
> resembling a sword

Tom: But which wasn't of course.
Mike: What would "resemble" a sword, anyway?
Crow: Well, a knife...
Mike: Uh-huh.
Crow: ...and... a knife.
Mike: Exactly.

> which cut through the boomer, stopping it completely.

Ruri: Yes, cutting something in half would tend to have that effect.

> As the first figure turned towards me, the second
> disappeared back into the forest. The first figure walked
> closer to me, and then lifted up her faceplate.

All: (show complete disbelief) ....
Mike: You had *better* be kidding me...
Tom: I *don't* think so...
Crow: Nope. No way...
Ruri: I've met her... She'd *never* do that!

> "Holy shit!

Crow: Hey, don't profane against St. Forrester!
Mike 'n' Tom: *chuckle*

> Priss? You're a Knight Sabre?"

Mike (Priss): No, you idiot! We were filming a movie and you ruined it!

> I was more
> than a little surprised that my favorite rock star was a
> member of the Knight Sabres.

Ruri (Ben): ...and even more surprised that she would just reveal herself to
me for no good reason whatsoever.

> "Yeah, I am. And I suppose you expect some sort of
> reward for saving my life?"

Tom (Ben): Yeah, Sex.

> "Well, no.

Crow (Ben): Heck, who needs a reward? Now I know who you are so I can
blackmail you at will!

> I was standing behind the tree, so I jumped
> out of the way. I just figured you didn't want to be
> standing there when the laser came flying through."

All: (sing to the tune of "When the Saints Come Marching In") When the laser
comes flying throuuuugh...

> "Oh. Thanks. Bye."

Ruri (Priss): I. Only. Talk. In. One. Word. Sentences.

> With those words, she left.

Mike: You realize, of course, how unusual it is for someone to leave after
saying "bye"...

> Damn! I should've asked for her autograph.

Crow: All he had to do was rip up a piece of cement...

> A phone call awakened me from my memories. "Yeah?"

Tom: Yeah, stopped you daydreaming you mean.

> "It's Nene. Priss is hurt pretty bad. We're taking her
> to Arlene's house to patch her up."

Crow (Nene): Though she's been screaming some stuff like "No, no this way
*he'll* try to..."

> "I'm on my way."

Mike: The police have been notified and are on this way! You are hereby
ordered to cease and desist from pretending to be Priss' boyfriend!

> "Sylia will have a fit!"

Tom: Sylia's an epileptic?

> "I don't care." and I hung up the phone.

Crow: Somewhere, Tommy Lee Jones is crying his eyes out...

> Just as I
> reached the garage, I realized my Porsche didn't have any
> headlights.

Mike (Ben): Of course, I didn't have a porsche, so that made sense.

> Some punk kid shattered the headlights of an
> otherwise mint condition Porsche 959.

Tom (Ben): ...which I'd paid 959 cents for!

> Oh well, I thought, I'm not taking the Ford. It's too slow.

Crow: I guess he likes fast women too.
Mike: Crow!

> I tore out of the garage

Tom (Ben): ...heightened my insurance 200 percent by adding a new door...

> and sped down the road
> towards Okasa, about 500 miles away.

Crow (Ben, cockily): ...and about five minutes later I arrived!

> In an incredible stroke

Crow: A stroke??
Mike: Not that type of stroke...
Crow: Damn.

> of luck, I didn't run into any cops.

Tom (Ben): 'Cept for the one that ended up smeared all over my front fender.

> The rain had stopped about 100 miles out of Mega-
> Tokyo, and

Ruri: ...it started to snow.

> the remainder of the drive was in beautiful
> weather, now that the sun was appearing over the horizon.

Ruri (monotone, even moreso than usual): How wonderful.

> I pulled into the driveway, and gunned the engine as I
> tore around the corner.

Mike: Hey, you left half your engine back there!

> I spun the car sideways, and hit the
> brakes hard enough to lock the wheels, while I slammed it
> into neutral with the emergency brake on.

Tom: Hey, if you drive like that you'll never get a license!
Ruri: He must have gone to the Bean Bandit Memorial Driving School.

> The car was still coming to a halt as I leaped clear of it.

Mike: Hey, go back and blow up along with it like a *good* little self-
insertion character!

> I saw Priss, still
> in her hardsuit, being helped out of the van by Linna and
> Nene.

Crow (Priss): Ooooh, my back....

> "Oh man. Oh, God, please help!"

Tom: Ben, this is God: Bite me.

> I was muttering under my breath.

Tom (Ben): mumble mumble kill mumble mumble maim mumble mumble
blood mumble mumble pain...

> A cry escaped my mouth as I ran over to Priss, "PRISS!"

Ruri: What was her name again?

> Nene and Linna both moved out of the way as I held on
> to Priss.

Mike (Priss): *gaak* You're choking me...

> "Don't die on me, girl!" I held on to her, as she
> returned my embrace.

All: (yawn)
Mike: (mimes looking down at his watch)

> "Don't worry. I'll be fine."

Crow: You're lying, young lady! Go stand in the corner!

> Her faceplate was up, and
> I saw her wince in pain as she said that.

Tom: Must've been your putrid stench.

> Linna and Nene
> took Priss inside, to tend to her wounds.

Ruri (Ben): ...while I stood there and looked stupid.

> I ran back to my car to wait and see what would happen.

Mike (Ben): 'cause it would, of course, happen in my car.

> I couldn't face Sylia
> right now, and didn't exactly relish the idea of telling her
> what Priss and I felt about each other.

Crow (Ben): Well, I'm really into stalking her in dark alleys in the depths
of night, and she likes to punch me and kick me in the...

> About two hours later, I saw Priss open up the door.
> She'd lost a lot of blood, but would be fine.

Ruri (Ben): I just realized this by looking at her.

> I ran over to
> her, and placed my head on her shoulder.

Crow (Ben): Carefully unplugging it first.

> I couldn't help but cry.

Mike (Priss): Oh, and here I thought you were a guy! Consider yourself
dumped!

> "Hey, hey. I'm OK.

> I'll be back kicking boomer's asses in no time."

Ruri (Priss): Just because they forced me back to life doesn't mean I won't
stop trying to get myself killed to get away from you!

> "Yeah, and then I'll be worried about you every time I
> hear that there's a boomer rampage."

Mike: What, and you weren't before?

> "Well, you knew it when we first went out. Every time I
> see you, I've had my life in my hands.

Crow (Priss): Sylia doesn't approve of me dating you, seeing as she's got
good taste and all...

> Sylia didn't find out until today."

Tom (Priss): And, whoo boy, are you in deep...

> "She's not going to kill you...is she?"

Crow (Priss): No, but she's gonna kill you! Happy, happy, joy, joy!

> "I'm talking to you right now, aren't I?

Ruri: I was hoping she was just a drug-induced hallucination...

> She could've just let me die in there."

Ruri (Priss): That would've been better than having to live my life with
*you*.

> I pulled her tighter.

Tom (Ben): *Crack* And then her spine broke in half and she died.

> "Don't ever do that again. Please."

All: Do it to him again! Go on!

> She just held on to me. God, I was lucky.

Crow: Actually, I'd say Pathetic.
Tom: That's one character who *really* needs help.
Mike: The scary thing is, this is a self insert...
Ruri: Oh, I don't really think the author could be this bad in real life...

> -------------------------------------------------------------------

All: WHIPLASH!

> Ben Kosse bmk7411@cs.rit.edu

> Homepage for programming and anime. (http://www.rit.edu/~bmk7411)
> Biggest BGC otaku on the RIT campus (especially Priss).

Mike: Also currently starring in True Love...

> Anime, RPG's, computers, poetry (read/write), music (listen/compose).

Crow: Bots (annoy/bore)

> Author of the Bubblegum Crisis theme pack

Ruri: That was certainly... interesting.
Tom: Didn't Dr. F. say there was more?
Ruri: (slight groan) More?
Crow: And worse. That one was almost decent. I mean, at least it was
readable...
Ruri: Great...
Mike: Hold on. Act Two is starting...

> entropy@break.com.au

Mike: I bet this fic deserves to slowly disintegrate.
Crow: *I* bet Dr. F. thinks it's gonna break us.

> Bubblegum Crisis FanFic
> A One off, part 1 of 1, bloody short thingy.

Tom: ...and bloody bad thingy.

> BGC - The Origins of Nene, and her marvellous hacking abilities

Mike: That sounds like a chapter in an eighteenth century novel... Chapter
3, in which we learne of Nene and her marvellous hackinge abilities.

> Entropy

Ruri: No matter how much things fall apart, we probably won't see this
fanfic do so...

> entropy@break.com.au

> [*] - [*] - [*] - [*] - [*] - [*] - [*] - [*] - [*] - [*] - [*] - [*] - [*]

Crow: What's that, Orion's chain?

> "Thats NOT how its done!"

Mike: Ah, a review of this 'fic right off the bat.

> "What the fuck! Whos teaching who here?

Crow (Narrator): Now get down on your back like I taught you and...
Ruri: Quiet, baka.

> What I say goes! Now, do it how I showed you." I said.

Crow (Narrator): Spread your legs a bit...
Mike: Crow!
Crow: Come on, it just begs for it!
Ruri: Baka...

> Nene tossed her red hair over her shoulder and typed away,

Tom (Nene): "I do not want to live anymorr..." Damn, typo!

> csh> setenv IRCNAME "3y3 y4m l4m3. k1ck m3!"

Ruri: "I am lame, kick me"? Appropriate.
Crow: For Nene?
Ruri: For this waste of bandwidth.

> csh> irc 3l1t3 irc.escape.com:6668

Crow: Escape? If only...

> "Okey, I'm in irc, now what do you want me to do?"

Mike: You could start by writing in proper English...

> "Eh? erm, nice choice of a nick Nene, nowonder hormoanal net geeks

All (Narrator): Like me.

> can tell when a womans on the other end of a keyboard."

Tom: A "keyboard"? Well, I should hope they can see someone sitting twenty
centimeters away from them...

> The trusty Spectrum ZX80 clicked, rattled, hummed then

Tom: ...blew into tiny little smithereens.

> wound the tape in its
> tapedeck forwards at highspeed for 5 seconds.

Mike: Whip mixture on high speed for five seconds before baking.
Tom: Frankly, this is half baked at best. Maybe a tenth baked.
Crow: The author probably forgot to add a plot before cooking it.
Ruri: Not to mention correct spelling... and grammar...

> Nene sat hunched over the black matt slick keyboard
> in the dimly lit backroom
> of some netgeeks apartment (that he still shared with his mum).

Ruri: The author certainly has a high opinion of his characters.
Tom: You know, if not even the author could be bothered to like his work...

> Her white
> ADPolice shirt had a dark damp patch of sweat from her shoulders to her
> waistline

Crow: Oooh...

> and odly enough, she had on pink rabbitt mochasins.

Mike: I'll agree that having coffee on your feet is weird.
Tom: I prefer cappucinosins personally.

> "Go make some tea or something"

Crow: Who the hell said that?
Mike: Magic voice?
Magic Voice (off screen): Yes, Mike?
Mike: Just checking...
Magic Voice (off screen): *sigh* Again?

> I left the room for the kitchen

Ruri: It's very mean to dump the room and start dating the kitchen...

> "Oh, and dont forget the chocmint biscuits" [cookies for you yanks;)]

Tom: And why exactly is Nene speaking in Australian slang?

> I put the kettle on the stove, and went back into my bedroom and looked at
> the screen

Mike (screen): "Have a Nice Day. In Case You're Wondering, All Your Money's
Gone From Your Safe. <eg> "

> "Wheres my bickies? I asked for some choc mints?" she demanded

Crow: Nene said *what*?

> "Well, you could atleast wait untill the kettle has boiled, geez Nene, get
> a grip."

Mike: Did he say that in one breath?
Tom (Narrator): *gasp wheeze*
Crow: A grip? "Okay, hold on tight now... Ohh, ohhh, ohhh!"
Ruri: (opens a panel on Crow's back and starts to mess around with his
circuits; he starts to spark and talk funny)
Crow: hey stop that? whatre you doing!!
Ruri: I'm a computer operator, baka. (she stops)
Crow: Sorry, sorry! Uncle!

> I said. "Hmm, okey, now fire up one of my warscripts and go find
> some lammer in one of the help or test channels."

Crow: And then, for twenty points, try and translate that last sentence into
English.

> A whistling kettle pulled me back into the kitchen.

Tom (Narrator): Agghh! The kettle's got me! Help!

> I had stacked a plate with chocmint biscuits and
> put on some cold selfsaucing butterscotch pudding [Yum!]

Crow: Oh, my! What *are* you wearing? Is that the new selfsaucing line from
Calvin Klein?

> "WHAT HAPPENS IF I DO A LIST?"

> Nene boomed out at me.

Mike: Oh no, Nene's a boomer!

> "ARGH! DONT, TRUST ME DONT

All: We don't!

> DO /LIST" I screamed in reply.

Ruri (Nene): Sorry, I couldn't quite hear you! Hold on while I do a /list...

> Balancing two mugs of tea [Liptons of course!]
> and a plate of biscuits and bloody pudding

Crow (Sherlock Holmes): I accuse the pudding!

> i walked ever so slowly back into the room.

Tom (Narrator): Afraid that the man-eating Nene would pounce on me at any
moment...

> "Hey, this guy looks like he's ripe for the pickings, billgts@micrsloth.com

All: *groan*

> okey, enuff

Crow: So, Mike, have you taken enuff?
Mike: That's snuff, Crow.

> of the basics entropy

Tom: Entropy, noun: Inevitable and steady deterioration. An accurate
description of this piece of trash, if you ask me.

> teach me how to hack, I'm going to be
> the best damn hack chick this side of the sprawl"

Mike (Nene): Or me name hain't Calamity Nene!

> <Now with a demand like
> that from someone looking like that, I mean, who could resist>

Ruri: Whatever.

> "Okey, ask him what hes having trouble with

Crow (billgts): I can't get the computer to work! What? It has an on
switch?? ... Oh, sure. Hold on, let me get my boots... Why do you want me to
kick it though?

> and that your just naturally good natured, you like to help people" I
> said.

Mike: Ask him that you're good natured and like to help people?
Tom: Mike, can I ask you that this fanfic irritates me?

> Nene plyed him with her sugary sweet tounge

Crow: Oh, yeah get it... *gmrph*!
Ruri: (holding Crow's beak closed): Quiet.

> and if only he could see her puppydog eyes!

Tom (Narrator): ...hanging on a string from her neck.

> "Okey, he trusts me" she said, "what are we trying to get out of him?"

Mike: Well, ask him if he can tell us any universal cracks for Windows '95.
Then ask him the numbers of some of his bank accounts...
Ruri: (lets go of Crow's beak)

> "Well, first, tell him to create a symbolic link to his password file but
> be evasive about it okey?"

Crow (Nene): Okay, billgts... Create a symbolic link to... D'oh!

> "Sure,"

> <P> /m billgts okey, what your problem is, is that some of your
> files have not been aligned in your path properly.

Ruri (Nene): Put 'em all in front of you so you can't help but trip over
them.

> *billgts* Oh, path? I know about the path thing, isnt that where it
> looks for files?

Tom: No, it's where you go for a pleasant evening stroll to get punked by
muggers.

> <P> /m billgts Yes, but on unix its different, do this for me okey,

Mike (Nene): Do this... to prove your love!

> it will fix it up ln -s /etc/passwd. ~/.plan

Crow (billgts): Okay, take the natural log of a blank space, subtract s,
divide by etc and then by passwd... Huh?

> and it will work fine.
> *billgts* kewl! 10Q

Tom: One's more than enough, thanks. I mean, ten of *anything* Trek
related...

> [Yes, bill shows us hes up with the times! ;)]

Crow: Doing the crossword puzzle?
Tom (billgts): Hmm... A four letter description of "The origin of Nene and
her marvellous hacking abilities"... First letter "C", last "P"...

> "You know what a symbolic link does dont you?"

Crow: Well, it symbolizes peace or war or prosperity or crap or...

> "Of course, geez entropy, I'm not a bimbo you know."

Mike 'n' Bots: *snort*
Ruri: Well, she does have a Ph.D., actually.
Mike 'n' Bots: HUH??
Mike: *That* Nene?
Ruri: She's more serious in real life.

> Nene wolfed down some
> more butterscotch pudding "chq qwe rtc z1 sddf fpsdf xcwos?"

Mike: Hold on, let me get my Klingon dictionary...
Ruri: Is that the pudding's brand name?
Tom: I dunno. Maybe we oughta get Dr. Thinker in here to translate it.

> "What? Nene,
> didnt your mother teach you not to eat with your mouthful?"

> "sffsdf not" she said, spraying pudding crumbs on me,

Tom: Pudding crumbs? Say, entropy, could you make me some coffee? Just a
slice, please...

> "I said, 'Can you get me some more pudding please?"

> "Okey Nene, now finger him" I said.

Mike (Nene): In the Steve Austin type way or the Happosai type way?

> "WHAT! You want to do what to me?"

Crow: I want to... (Ruri and Mike turn to look at him) Never mind.

> "Relax Nene, as much as I would like to erm, finger you,
> its a unix command, here let me do it, now remember this okey?"

Tom: I hear the Business Depot ran out of periods the other day...

> <P> /exec finger billgts@microsloth.com

Ruri: I bet you a lot of people would want to do that...

> (A huge, were talking HUGE 5megabyte password file flies up the screen)
> "Lucky I had capture on eh?"

Tom (Nene): Good thing I put the mantraps out, huh?

> "Yep, smart, Nene, smart"

Crow (Narrator): Unlike me...

> <Lucky, coz I forgot to turn it on!>

> "See Nene, now you can run crack

Mike: Drug-running! A viable career option!

> and get all the passwords to his system."

Ruri (Nene): But isn't that *illegal*?

> "Ohhh, I understand now, but, um, yeah okey."

> "Look, read this book and come back in 6 months okey?"

Crow (Nene): Let's see... "How to Write Nonsensical and Pointless Slang-
Infested Fan Fiction," by entropy.

> Nene takes the book "Complete C source Code and Hackers Guide to Unix
> System V"

> by Kernighan & Ritchie

Tom: Bill "Buff" Kernighan and Joey "Slim" Ritchie, the evil masterminds
behind the dreaded Pudding Lane gang.

> "See now this will teach you all the
> backdoors and limitations of Unix? Then your really on your way to being
> a hack chick!"

Mike: Hack Chicks, the movie. Based on a true story! Coming soon...

> "Keeewl. Thanks entropy"

Tom (Nene): To show you my appreciation I give you this cyanide laced
chocolate cake and clock-shaped time bomb!

> (Two days later, our favourite red haired sexbomb appeard on my doorstep)

Crow: "Red Haired Sexbomb"? If you ever "Crow" me again, Mike...

> "Wow! This C stuff really goes off neh?"

Ruri: It's gonna blow...

> "Yarp.

Mike: Why is the author barking?

> Any questions?"

Ruri (Nene): What language are we speaking?

> "Yes, now that I know how to penetrate a unix system in a single keystroke,
> just like in all the anime movies

Mike: D'you know they made Neuromancer into an OAV?

> I'm going to make my mark on the world,
> give them a backdoor to remember me by

Tom (Nene): I veel rool ze vorld! Bwahahahaha!

> this microsloth account is going to come in handy"

> Nene kissed me full on

All: Yeah, right.

> [I dont wanna wake up yet!]

Tom: Oh, look the author sleepwrote this.
Mike: That explains it. It doesn't *excuse* it but it explains it.
Ruri: Being forced to write it at gunpoint wouldn't excuse it.

> Several years later, somewhere in MegaTokyo

Mike: How very descriptive.

> "Nene! I know your good with a computer, but

Tom (Sylia): ...How did you crash every electrical appliance on the whole
planet in three seconds?
Crow (Nene): Well, you know how this thing's voice controlled? I sort of
sneezed...

> how did you manage to get
> smack bang, right into the middle of Genoms most top secret, hidden from
> the world, never to be seen by an outsider, records?" asked Sylia.

Tom: Coming soon, Sylia Stingray's Excellent Adventure!
Crow (Nene): Sylia, why are your eyes glazed over like that...?

> "Ah, see, I met this Bill guy on IRC once when I was learning how to hack,
> and well, I altered this thing called Windows 95

Tom: ... Well, the "thing" part is right... 'cept it's insulting to Ben
Grimm.

> so it sends all your
> registration details and passwords, etc, to my secret account when you
> connect to the Microsloth network....

Mike (Nene): Even my own! I could break into my account, send myself stupid
chain letters and plant a virus on myself if I wanted to! Isn't that great?!

> And considering that every computer in the world runs Windows 2001, and....

Crow: Egads! A world controlled by Bill Gates... Truly a scary thought...

> well, you know, what you can take
> for free is great, but cheap is not bad either"

> "What does that mean Nene?"

Ruri: I have no idea. I was hoping you could tell me...

> "Oh sjust a quote from someone I once shacked up with in Ashtrayleyia

Tom (Nene): I was there to apprehend the dangerous criminal, Yahoo
Serious...
Mike: Ahh, Ashtrayleyia; home of all the world's cigarette stubs.

> [Yep, France set off their nuke bombs, and Oz is now Frances Ashtray!]

Crow: Kevin Nash now wrestles as Frances Ashtray?
Ruri: You've got to love the author's opinion about his country...

> [Its amazing what one can write in a telemate edit window while your
> waiting to attack dial your service provider!]

Tom: I guess that in Australian, amazing equals scary.

> Dictionary
> ~~~~~~~~~~

Tom: Lame: This fanfic.
Crow: Crap: This fanfic.
Mike: Stupid: This fanfic.
Ruri: entropy: Something that should afflict this fanfic.

> <P> - Phoenix IRC script.

Mike: This fic's sort of like a phoenix. Rising from the ashes... all black
and dirty...

> 10Q - Thankyou

> 3l1t3 - Elite

Tom: This literary dead-end, elite? Ummm.... no.

> 4 - A : 3y3 4m l4m3, K1ck m3 = I am lame, kick me
> 1 - I
> 3 - E
> 0 - O

Mike: Yeah, yeah, we know! Come on, everyone, let's take a break...
All: (get up to leave...)

> Lame - Just like this fanfic

All: (clap heartily then leave)

Door Six...

Door Five...

Door Four...

Door Three...

Door Two...

Door One...

"So," said Crow as the group settled into the SoL's bridge, "How d'you know
Priss and Nene?"

"The Club Anipike," answered Ruri, "it's where most of us anime characters
spend our time when we're not busy."

"Oh?" asked Mike, "What's it like?"

"Big. There's probably a dozen people at any one time. There're pool tables,
three movie screens, a theater out back, every brand of liquor in the known
galaxy..."

"Sounds fun." Mike nodded approvingly, "Meanwhile, we're stuck here...
Figures." Suddenly, his stomach growled, "Oh, damn! I've got to go and order
some food... I'll be back in a sec..."

There were a few minutes of silence, then Tom spoke. "So... Who have you met
there?"

Ruri shrugged, "You name them, I've probably met them."

"Umm... Ranma?" Crow asked.

"Briefly," Ruri responded, "he's usually busy; there's always a lot of Ranma
fics out there at any given time. He seemed quite nice though. About the
same as he is in the show, from what I've seen."

"Kuno?" asked Tom.

"Exactly the same as in the series except more intelligent. He lectures a
lot."

"Chibi Usa?" Crow asked, shivering.

"She's quite good, actually. Has a nice motorcycle; her and Priss fight a
lot. She's *very* good in a fight, actually. She knows every dirty trick in
the book. Also, she drinks a lot, but she handles alcohol well," she thought
silently for a moment, "Shinji doesn't, though. He's passed out on the floor
easily a dozen times now... And he's broken up with something like thirty
different girlfriends... He dated both Eva-Rei and Asuka at the same time...
Until Rei found out and dumped him... violently. She told Asuka and *she*
hit him too, even though she doesn't usually do that."

"They don't sound much like their anime versions," Tom pointed out.

Ruri shrugged, "They're not. Shinji's... well, you know. Rei's very
outspoken... she doubles a stripper sometimes, I think... and Asuka's very
quiet."

Crow thought briefly about the image of Rei Ayanami doing a striptease and
would probably have started drooling if he were capable of it. Ruri just
shook her head disgustedly.

"Actually," Ruri continued, "a lot of people are... Mihoshi, for example.
She's really quite smart; I think she has a Ph.D. in..." she thought for a
moment, "...something. I don't recall what. And then there's Kodachi. She's
quite nice. She has to stay on a perpetual high though, to play that role...
I hear she was *very* happy when Roses of Shadow and that Elseworlds that
was caught in Pre-production for so long came out."

"Um..." Tom said, "What about Ataru?"

"Moroboshi? He's gay. I think he was going with Happosai last time I
checked."

"Happosai?" the Bots asked in disbelief.

"He's actually twenty. I hear he has to go through seven hours of make-up
for each appearance."

"How about Tasuki?" Crow asked.

"Exactly the same, right down to the fights with Tamahome. Most of the
Seishi are, actually. Except that Chiriko has to shave every day. Oh, and
Nuriko; he's a real Don Juan. And Nakago; he's a real nice guy actually.
Sort of shy. He's married to Mihoshi, also."

"What about...?" Tom started to ask.

"Hi guys!" Mike said as he walked back in, "I managed to get through to
Togo's, even though it took a while. I oughta be getting some pizza in a few
hours... Say, Ruri, d'you eat pizza?"

"Depends what." she replied.

*beep beep beep*

"Never mind, I'll ask you later."

Door One...

Door Two...

Door Three...

Door Four...

Door Five...

Door Six...

> MAXIMUM CARNAGE II

Mike (to Bots): Guys, was there a Maximum Carnage 1?
Crow: Not that I know of.

> PART 1

Crow: Audience 0.

> Serena's sister a new hope

All: Sister...? Oh no...
Ruri (Princess Leia): Help me, Obi-Wan Kenobi, you're my only hope!

> This fanfic was written by a friend of mine called JB

Tom: JB is wanted by the FBI. He should be considered armed and stupid!

> hope that you like it.

> PROLOGUE

> Serena was asleep but she was dreaming of three nights before

Crow (Serena, talking in her sleep): Oh, why, Darien you sexy...
Mike: Crow...

> the attack of Carnage.

Tom: Also known as a Stephen Ratliff fanfic.
Mike: Actually, doesn't that sound more like Nav?
Ruri: Ratliff? Nav?
Others: You *don't* want to know.

> She, Ami, Raye, Lita and Mina were walking in the park
> beside the lake and were talking of the Moon Kingdom.

> Lita had wondered about weather

Tom: Well, there seems to be a good chance of crapcipitation.
Crow: Yeah, we're wading in it.

> they would get all the memories of their past lives back.

Ruri: And then it became academic when they got ripped to shreds?

> Raye had said she supposed
> but for now things were to weird and hectic already without

Mike: Yeah, they'd just had to deal with a Dr. Thinker fic, an episode of
American Kitsune and then Tuxedo Chris...

> dealing with two sets of memories.

Tom: Hey, dealer! Raye's cheating! She has an extra deck of memories!

> Then Serena had said that it seemed like she should
> remember something important

Crow: ...then she looked down and noticed she was naked!
Others: Crow!

> and the memory was there yet she couldn't quite grasp it.

Ruri: Oh, Serena being unable to grasp something is *so* out of the
ordinary.

> Raye had said she was being a ditzy meatball head and she
> should get real.

Tom: Unfortunately, Serena did not wish to give up her fictional existence.
Mike: Just out of curiosity, has the author ever heard of quotation marks?
Or paragraphing?

> Then suddenly her friends disappeared and Carnage was in
> front of her

> standing over the bodies of the other Sailor Scouts laughing and

Crow: Oh, I get it! It's a flashback!
Mike: Okay, pay attention everyone! This'll be on the test!
Tom: Oh, so all that happened in Maximum Carnage One was Carnage showing up
and slaughtering everyone?
Mike: I guess...
Tom: Okay, let's see... to Kletus Cassidy, c/o Marvel Comics...
Ruri: What're you doing?
Tom: Sending him a check.
Mike: Tom...
Tom: Hey, can I help it if I don't like Sailor Moon??
Crow: No, you like Power Rangers. That's *much* better.
Tom: Shut up.

> telling her that she wasn't worthy

Mike (Carnage): You make me sick, young lady!

> of being the Princess because her friend's death was her fault.-

> Serena awoke trowing

Crow: Are you trowing what I'm trowing, Tom?
Tom: I think so... But what *can* we do with a fifty foot diameter ball of
twine and three peanuts?
Ruri: You realize that no one other than an English Major has even the
remotest chance of getting that joke?
Bots: So?

> Luna off the bed.

Crow (Luna): Darn! And I was so close...
Mike: Crow...! That's getting *too* close to Oscar for comfort...

> -NO!! It wasn't my fault!!! It wasn't...

Tom (Serena): I didn't do it!
Crow (ditto): I blame society!
Ruri (ditto): The one-armed man did it!
Mike (ditto): The voices made me do it!

> Then she started to cry and Luna got beside her.

Crow (Luna): Awww... Come on, just cuddle up to me and...
Mike: (hits him)
Crow: (gratefully) Thanks.

> -Easy Serena

> I know it's hard for you to believe that the rest of the
> girls are gone, but you have to accept it.

Mike (Serena): On behalf of the moon, I accept this award for most
irritating Sailor Scout in a leading role.

> -I can't Luna.

Mike: It's nae good, keptin, I canna do it!

> there is something in my mind that tells me that I
> could have prevented that.

Crow: (klaxon)
Mike: Lady and Gentlebots, we have...
All: FORESHADOWING!

> She walked to her window and

Ruri: ...jumped through it head first.

> started to watch the starts

Mike: watch the *what*?
Tom: The starts, whatever those are.
Ruri: Maybe it makes more sense if you read it upside down? Or backwards? Or
both?

> wondering whether that memory could have saved her friends.

> END OF PROLOGUE.

Bots: (get up to leave.)
Mike: (stops them) Nice try, guys.

> Two days later in Serena's Room.

Tom (police detective): Oh God, just look at this place! There's blood
everywhere!

> -Where is Venom? He was supposed to meet us here ten minutes ago!

Crow: Whoa, whoa, whoa! Venom? As a *good guy*? In a *Sailor Moon* fanfic??
What the heck...?
Tom (author): Note: If you didn't read part 1, go take a flying leap cause I
really don't give a damn!

> Asked an impatient Artemis.

Crow (Artemis): Hey, where d'you put the *stuff*, huh?

> -Look above you, my feline friend.

Mike (Venom?): Whoa, I'm slipping!
Tom: *squish*

> There he was, on the roof like a spider.

Ruri: The roof was like a spider?
Tom (Artemis): Serena, why's your roof so black and hairy?

> -You have to do that all the time?
> Asked Serena.

Mike (Venom): Yeah, you got a problem with that??
Crow (Serena): I swear! One of these days you're gonna give me a heart...
a... ta... *akkkkk*

> -It's my way of life you know, what's up now?

Ruri (Serena): Well, there's you... and the taxes.. and the mortality rate
due to bad fanfics...

> Is there another negatrash in town?

Crow: This is ridiculous... Venom is *not* a good guy! In the very best
case, he's a self-serving vigilante with an imitation of a code of honour!
Mike: Whoa, down boy!

> -No - Answered Artemis- I received a letter yesterday here.

Mike: Away, away, evil commas!

> Serena took the paper and started to read.

Tom (Serena): Umm... h... he... hee... heell... hell... hell...oh... Ah!
Hello, that's what it says! Wait, there's more...

> "Serena: I know of a way to get the Sailor Scouts back

Crow: Lemme guess. A convenientus plotdevicicus domesticus?

> meet me at the park tomorrow afternoon at 3:30.

Ruri: Oh, the park. How wonderfully descriptive.

> Sabrina.

Mike: Oh, Sabrina ex Machina!

> -What? Could there be a way?
> Asked Venom

Tom: Could we actually care??
Crow: Could *he* actually care?

> -I don't know but I will find out,

Ruri (Serena): In particular, if there *isn't* a way, I'll definitely find
it.

> it's 2:55 now let's go.
> Answered Serena.
> But before she could advance a meter

Ruri: ...the building collapsed down on everyone, the end.

> Tuxedo Mask

Crow: Hey, where'd he come from?!

> holded her arm.

Mike: Oh, I sure hope I'm not gonna have to holded back my lunch...

> -I don't like this Serena it could be a trap from the Negaverse.

Crow: Yeah, but would this fanfic ending this soon really be a *bad* thing?

> -I don't care, trap or no trap I want to find out.

Tom (Tuxedo Mask): Okay. Bye! Have fun getting murdered!

> Then she transformed and the three went to the park.-

Ruri: Oh, they're going to go for a pleasant evening stroll after all their
friends have just been killed.

> But someone was expecting them, a monster was hidden on the trees

Mike: It was a very... wide monster and it took several trees to hold it...

> and when he saw them he prepared to attack.

Mike: Barney?
Tom: David Kintobor?
Crow: Marilyn Manson?

> -Well? Where is she?
> Asked Serena.

Crow: Hey, why are you asking us? Who do you think we are, Pat Lee?
Tom: (chuckles)
Ruri: Who's Pat Lee?
Mike: I wish I knew...

> Suddenly a blast emerged from the trees and Sailor Moon was blasted
> against a near tree knocking her out.

Tom: Yeah!
Mike: You okay, Tom?

> -Sailor Moon no!!

Crow (Tuxedo Mask?): The Crescent Moon Wand wasn't *meant* to go there!
Mike: mumble mumble mumble time out mumble mumble mumble...

> Screamed Tuxedo Mask as he ruuned towards her motionless body.
> -Why you!!! No you will feel my wrath!!!

Mike: You will feel the wrath of Tuxedo 3:16, and there cain't be no other
way and that's the bottom line because Tux-Boy said so!

> Venom fired several lines of web which holded the creature while he
> moved behind it

Crow: (giggles)

> to let Tuxedo Mask do his move.

Mike: The... tuxwalk?

> Meanwhile Tuxedo Mask was aiding Serena but she was pale and
> unconscious.

Ruri: So was he doing his move or not?

> -Serena talk to me please!!! You can't die!!! Please answer me!!!

Tom: "Darien... *gaak* I am you mother... *gaak*"

> With tears on his eyes

Crow: Hey, you've got something on your eyes!
Mike: Why don't you try getting it off with a fork? That oughta work...

> he lefted Serena's body on the grass and

Ruri: I see JB never quite mastered tenses...

> prepared to face the monster, seeing that he was still trying to free
> himself from Venom's web he trowed several roses to the creature

Mike: Oh, he's asking the monster out? Well, he was certainly faithful to
his eternal love!

> who turned into ashes in seconds.

Ruri: I guess the monster wasn't interested...

> Suddenly a girl who looked like Serena appeared

All: Oh no....

> she had a uniform
> like Sailor Moon's except the skirt was dotted with pinpoints of light

Ruri: It's on fire?

> that sparkled and instead of round stones in her meatball hair there
> were stones shaped like stars. Another difference was the hair.

Mike: ...she didn't have any.

> Though it was styled like Serena's the hair streaming down the back
> was very curly.

Ruri: So she looked like Serena, except that she didn't look like Serena.

> "Wait," Luna screeched as she ran to the scene,"It could of been her
> who sent the monster!" Don't trust her!"

Crow (Deep Throat): Trust... no one.

> "Luna is correct," the girl answered

Tom (Luna): Wow! My first time...

> "I knew the monster was going to be here but I didn't send it. Why would
> I?"

Mike: If you can answer this skill testing question, you can win... an
incredible... a huuuuge... twenty three cents!
Others: *huzzah*!

> "So your a negacreep,"

Ruri: Didn't she just say she *didn't* send it?

> Tuxedo Mask replied, "Well we destroy Negatrash
> like you! Rose magic power!"

All: MAKE UP!

> five razor sharp roses flew towards their target
> but when they hit they did no damage.

All: Huh?
Ruri: I'll admit that they're pathetic weapons, but...

> "Huh" they all blink in surprise.

Mike ("they all"): What do you *mean* two and two equals four?

> By then Sailor Moon was regaining conciseness

Ruri: So she'll no longer make long, rambling speeches?
Crow: Don't we wish...

> and the person that looked like her seemed strangely familiar.

All: (snort and then laugh)
Tom: Wow, how could someone who looks like her *possibly* seem familiar??

> "Guys wait, she called," I think I know her!"
> "WHAT!" Luna shouted. "Serena you can't be serious! That woman's
> monster nearly killed you!"

Tom (Serena): Yeah, but she also bought me this nice necktie!

> "But Luna doesn't she seem familiar?"
> Then she turned to the woman standing there silent. "Who are you?"
> "ah!"

All: Gezundheit.

> Finally and intelligent question!

Crow: Intelligent? In this fanfic?

> I am Queen Galactica

All: (snort then laugh. Again)

> but you may call me Sabrina."

Crow: Somewhere, Audrey Hepburn's rolling over in her grave.

> I came to Earth looking for my sister the Moon Princess

All: LAME!

> when I learned it was Sailor Moon and the Sailor Scouts were on Earth
> I was overjoyed. Then saddened when I learned of their deaths."

Mike (Sabrina): Actually, wait... I think it was the other way around...

> "Your the one who wrote the letter Luna was telling me about!"
> Exclaimed
> Artemis coming up behind Luna."I think I speak for everyone when I ask

Crow (Artemis): Where's the beef?

> how we get our scouts back."

Tom: Well, actually...

> "Be quiet Artemis!'Exclaimed Luna. She could still be lying about who
> she is.

> I think if the Princess Serena ever had a sister I would remember."

Ruri: Like you remembered Serena's identity and those of the other Scouts
and that of Tuzedo Mask and...

> "Not necessarily Luna." interrupted Sabrina. I'll come with me I'll
> explain everything."

Crow: With the help of my personal pet hypnotist Professor Kerenski!

> "How 'bout you explain everything now.' Artemis said with a sigh."We
> still don't know who you are and if your really on our side."

Mike (Artemis) ...and we don't actually care but we need to pad out the
story so...

> "Ok I'll explain if it'll make you feel better.

Ruri (Sabrina): If it'll help stop those painful ulcers of yours...

> When Serena and I were born
> we each had our destinies foretold to us. Serena's was to be Queen of
> the Moon and mine was to be the Queen of the Universe.

Mike: Oh, she's He-Man's wife.

> This would bring an
> everlasting peace to the Universe between the Moon Kingdom and other
> hostile kingdoms that resented the Silver Millenium.
> My identity and purpose were kept a secret.

Crow (Sabrina): Even from me!
Ruri (Sabrina): In fact, this is so secret that I'm going to have to kill
you now that you know it!

> It was never revealed that I was Serena's sister. Only
> Serena and Queen Serenity,the Guardians and the Sailor Scouts knew.

Tom: And Dorothy and the Tin Woodsman and the Scarecrow and...

> To help keep it a secret I was brought to the palace when I was very young and
> Magus

Mike: Magus?? There's an original name for you!

> the vizier saw to my upbringing in secret.

Ruri (Sabrina): And he made me realize just how evil all of you are and how
you'd always plotted against me.

> My sister and those who knew the secret
> kept in touch and it was decided everything would be revealed at the
> ball the next night.

Mike: ...and then the Negaverse attacked and everything was screwed!

> That night Queen Beryl unleashed her forces and attacked the Moon kingdom.

Bots: Good job, Mike!

> I was not allowed to go and help. For many years I was heartbroken.

Crow (Sabrina): But a daily dose of alcohol helped with *that* particular
problem!

> I had lost my sister my friends and my mother.

Crow (Sabrina): ...And my cadillac and my pony and my villa in the south of
France.

> When I found that you were here on Earth I saw that you had knew lives

Crow: 'Knew' lives? Does that mean they've known lives?
Tom: I guess you could read it that way.
Crow: But does that mean that they're dead or just that they have no lives?
Mike: (shrugs): Both, either...

> and were happy I didn't want to interrupt that so I watched
> you grow up from a distance.

Mike (Sabrina): Then I figured "Oh, what the hell!" and decided to screw
your lives up anyway.

> The time between the points I would check on you grew farther apart as my
> responsibilities increase

Tom (Sabrina): Or, as most people would say it, as I got lazier and lazier
and stopped giving a damn!

> and it was just the other day I checked up
> on you and found out what had happened. So here I am."

Ruri (Sabrina): And if you understood so much a word of that explanation,
would you please be so kind as to explain it to *me* now?

> "Still,asked Luna,"Why is it we don't remember.

Crow (Sabrina): Well, you might have taken one too many doses of crack...

> I have this feeling that I know you but I can't quiet grasp it."

Ruri: Either it's deja vu or else this plot is so hackneyed that you never
bothered to memorize all the particulars.

> "I'll help with that." Sabrina answered and a beam of light went to
> Luna',Artemis' Serena's and Darian'sheads.

Tom: Oh, the Vulc, erm, Sabrina mind meld.

> Venom watched in wonder as his friends Suddenly remembered all of their past lives.

Mike: And then he ripped their heads off and ate them with healthy amounts
ketchup and mustard.

> How Darian and Serena had met, the good times they had with the scouts and just
> everything.

Crow: Thanks for the exhaustive descriptions.

> When Sabrina was finished Serena ran to her

Tom: ...and started to strangle her.

> and hugged her. She whispered, "Sister,I'm so glad you came to help.

Ruri (Serena): As the Queen of the Universe you've got to be nearly as
powerful as an Author Avatar.

> Now that your here we can get the scouts back
> and vanquish this evil cancer (Negaverse.) that plagues our society."

Mike: And when did Serena become Martin Luther King?

> Luna and Artemis were crying

Bots (Artemis & Luna): What did we do to deserve being in this??

> and Darian was standing on the side because he had never actually met
> Sabrina though Serena had told him the night she was supposed to be
> revealed to the subjects of the Moon Kingdom. "Now, Sabrina said,"We can
> get down to business."

Crow: (Joe) Let's go to work.

> PART 2

Crow: Audience 0.

> FUTURE SHOCK

Tom: Wasn't that a movie?
Mike: Yeah. We watched it last week, remember?

> Sabrina sited in the grass while Serena and the others

Crow: ...performed a complicated Mayan Rain Dance.

> sited in front of her.
> -There only one way to get your friends back but it's very
> dangerous, your lives may be at stake if you want to proceed.

Ruri (Sabrina): But I'll also give you this fake gold watch.

> -I don't care!!

Tom (Richard Kimble): "I didn't kill my wife!"
Crow (Sam Gerard): "I don't care, Richard!

> Tell me what I have to do to get them back!!
> Cried Serena

Crow: Well, get down on your knees, take off my skirt and...
Ruri: Baka.

> -Ok, then we must depart immediately

All: We must let our powers combine!

> A flash of light was seen as the four people and the cats disappeared
> from the park to reappear in a crystal temple.

Ruri: This fanfic doesn't pause for breath, does it?

> -Where are we?
> Asked Venom

Crow (Venom): ...And why the hell am I in this fanfic in the first place?

> -This is the Crystal Palace, my home from where I can see the Universe.

Tom (Sabrina): And plot to take over the MacDonalds on the corner of Fifth
and Main!

> Answered Sabrina
> She leaded them to a big dining room where her servants had dinner
> ready for them.

Mike: I sure hope they remembered the powdered arsenic.

> - Serena and the other eated silently.-

Mike: That's ate.
Crow: Eight out of ten? No, at most minus three.

> After that Sabrina showed them their rooms and everyone went to sleep.

Ruri: You've got to love the thorough exposition in this fanfic.

> The next morning after breakfast, Sabrina leaded them to a room that
> had mirrors everywhere.

Tom: Pat Lee's room?

> -What is this place?

> -This Luna is the Hall of Destiny

Ruri: So is it a Luna or a hall?

> here I can see every dimension in the universe, this are doors

Mike: I see that the tenses were on strike while this fic was being written.

> to every place and planet you can imagine.

Crow: Even those that don't exist?
Ruri: Wasn't this in one of the Urusei Yatsura movies?

> Then she turned around and explained to them what was the way to get
> the scouts back.

Tom (Sabrina): Well, you go three blocks straight, turn right, go down a
hundred meters and arrive at a wonderful, fabulous place called a Scout
Pound.

> -You will go to the land of the dead to get the souls of the other
> scouts, but I must warn you that you will face many dangers there,

Ruri: Like stupid plot devices and contrivances and deus ex machinae and bad
writing and nonsensical plots... Wait, you face those here too.

> Serena you are my sister and I love you with all my heart

All: Gaaaaah!
Crow: Geez, as far as cliches go, this one's gotta beat 'em all!

> please reconsider this, I had enough with lose of the scouts and I don't
> want to lose you too.-

Mike (Sabrina): *pant pant pant* (Pause for breath)

> Luna, Artemis you cant go there so you will stay here with me.

Ruri: Translation: the author had no idea what to do with them.

> Serena hugged her.
> -I know how much do you care for me, but they are my friends and if I
> can get them back then I will do whatever I have to do.

Mike (Faarooq): By any means necessary!

> Sabrina opened a portal in one of the mirrors and instructed them to
> walk in.- As they entered tears formed in Sabrina's eyes.
> -Sabrina are you all right?
> Asked Artemis

Tom (Sabrina): They're just tears of joy because I'll never have to see you
lot again!

> -I hope she can survive there, I will never forgive myself if she
> dies.

Crow: Don't worry; *we'll* forgive you!

> Meanwhile Sailor Moon and the others appeared in a strange world, the
> trees were dead and the sky was gray, an atmosphere of sadness filled
> the whole place

Crow: So, they're in Mexico City?
Mike: New York City?
Tom: London?
Ruri: Tokyo?

> they started to walk suddenly Sailor Moon cried in
> pain when a small insect of the size of a roach

Crow: The size of this fic?

> bited her hand.

Tom (Serena): Oh, bite me!

> -You ok?
> Asked Tuxedo Mask

Mike (Tuzedo Mask): Why're all those purple blotches forming on your skin?

> -Yeah I'm all..uhhhhhhh

Ruri: "Right"... the word you're looking for is "right".

> Tuxedo Mask catched her before she hitted the ground

Crow: And the author failed to catched the jaggy rock before it hitted him
in the forehead after I threwed it at him for his abuse of English grammar.

> -Serena!!! Serena!!! Answer me please!!

Ruri: Unfortunately, Serena simply refused to come to the phone.

> Tuxedo Mask was horrified when he noticed that Serena's skin
> started to turn gray.- Suddenly a dwarf appeared.

All: Huh??
Tom: Which one? Dopey? Sneezy? Grumpy? Typoed?

> -She was bitten by a redips

Mike (Tuxedo Mask): Oh, redips**t!

> you have two hours to get a black mantis
> flower or she will became a dead soul and she will never live again.

Crow: Yes, being dead does tend to mean never living again.

> -Where can we get this flower!? Tell me!!!!

Ruri (Dwarf): You will have to undertake twelve torturous tasks...

> -You have to go to the mountain of the lost souls two miles north, but
> you must hurry, your time is running out already!!

Tom: Yeah, this fic's more nearly two-thirds done!

> Then he disappeared.-

Crow: That dwarf must have been named D. Xavier Machina. Or Platt
Contrivance. Or Howe Pathetic. Or...
Ruri: We get the point.
Crow: Pity the author doesn't.

> Venom went to look for the strange plant while
> Tuxedo Mask stayed with Sailor Moon.-

Ruri: Hopefully they'll get eaten by a grue.

> Venom found the mountain and using his spider-like powers climbed it, and found the
> strange plant, suddenly when he was about to left a voice made him turn around.

Mike: This sounds like it was written by the brothers Grimm after they sold
all their talent to Satan...

> -Venom? Is that you?

Crow (Venom): No, it's the *other* big, hulking spider-like guy!

> It was Sailor Mercury

Mike: Oh, you've got to love the pulse-pounding suspense in this fic!

> -Miss. Mercury!! I found you!!
> He tried to touch her but his hand passed through her
> He tried to touch her but his hand passed through her.

Crow: He tried to touch her but his hand passed through her. He tried to
touch her but his hand passed...
(Mike mimes hitting screen) Stupid record player...

> -But... how come you can't touch me? Aren't you dead?

Tom (Sailor Mercury): Yeah, cause if you *were* dead then of course you'd be
able to touch me!

> -No I'm not Miss Mercury, Sailor Moon, Tuxedo Mask and I

Ruri: I certainly hope you're not four different people.

> came here to take you back.
> -What? Where are they?

Mike: In the village.

> -Come with me, I must hurry Miss Moon was bitten by a strange
> creature, I have to get this flower to her as soon as possible.

Crow: The flower's named Audrey.

> After that both lefted the area and found Tuxedo Mask taking care of
> Sailor Moon,

Mike: Take care... you mean... (mimes pointing a gun at his head)

> Venom putted the flower on her hand and suddenly she opened her eyes.

Crow: Shouldn't that read "openeded"?

> -Wha...What happened? Amy!!!

> -Hi Serena how are you?

Tom: Away, foul commas!

> -Where are the others?

> -I'm not sure but I think that we may find them soon.

All: FORESHADOWING!

> They continued their way, suddenly they falled in a hole, Serena found
> herself trapped in a big web while Tuxedo Mask and Venom falled to the
> ground, Amy who was a soul floated besides them.-

Ruri: And belief floated suspended beside *her*.

> She concentrated
> herself all she could to materialize her arm to help them, she turned
> around when she hear a scream from Sailor Moon,

Mike (Sailor Moon): Nooooooo! I put the make-up on too thick!

> Amy couldn't believe her eyes when she saw a giant spider walking towards her
> friend.

Crow: It's Shelob!

> - Serena was terrified when she saw the big spider above her,
> she could felt the breathing of the monster as it prepared to have her
> for lunch

Tom: One for lunch?
Crow: Today's menu: Sailor Scout, either roasted or deep-fried.

> the spider started to touch her with her fangs looking for
> a spot to byte her

Ruri: If this was any other fanfic I might think this was a very clever
pun...

> Serena closed her eyes when she felt it pressing
> her chest in an attempt to penetrate her skin

Crow (Serena): I think I'm com...
Ruri: (hits Crow. *Hard*.)

> suddenly the creature
> moved away from her, Venom used his powers to control the creature
> before it could injure her.

Crow: And since when could Venom control spiders?

> They continued their way facing other dangers, until they reached a
> dark castle

Ruri: Wasn't that a computer game?

> when they were in front of it, the doors opened, and they
> stepped in.

> PART 3

Crow: Audience still 0.

> THE ULTIMATE SACRIFICE

Mike: The Ullllltimate Warrior is being sacrificed? Kewl!

> As they entered the castle, a red light covered them and suddenly the
> found themselves in front of a man who was dressed in black.

Ruri: How utterly original. Who was it, the Master?
Crow: The Sandman?
Tom: J?
Mike: The Crow? (Crow looks weirdly at Mike ;-)
Tom: The Undertaker?
Crow: Darth Vader?
Mike: Sting?
Ruri: Okay, enough already...

> -So Sailor Moon you and your friends came here to get your other
> friends back huh?

Crow (Sailor Moon): No, we're here for tea and biscuits.

> -Yes.

Tom (Man in black): Okay. Go ahead. Please leave your coats at the door and
watch for the step.

> -I will let you leave this place with your friend's souls but
> first you have to earn your right to leave this place

Mike (Man in black): Insult me well enough so that I kick you out!

> Tuxedo Mask you will go first.

> A red light engulfed him and

Crow: Oh my God, he's burning! Oh, the humanity!

> he found himself back home and with his
> normal clothes as Darien, he started to walk and suddenly he saw
> Serena in a corner kissing Andrew he coul...

Ruri: Feel free to pause for breath at any time.

> ...dn't believe it and runned towards them, he separate her from him and then he hitted him
> in the face, Serena holded him.

> -LEAVE HIM ALONE!!!

Tom (Serena): Or in the name of the moon, I'll whine at you!

> -What? I love you Serena, why are you doing this to me?

Crow: Maybe she's found some good taste somewhere?

> -Well I don't!!! Look
> She showed him the engagement ring she was wearing.

Ruri (Serena): I hate you so much that I am going to marry you.

> -See? I'm going to marry him next week. So leave us alone!!

Tom (Serena): Yeah, you big meanie!

> He was shocked, he couldn't believe what he was seeing, Serena
> was going to marry another man

Crow: Well, at least she has better taste in this dream than in real life.

> he knew that he couldn't stand in
> the way, putting his hands in her shoulders he said:

Tom (Tuxedo Mask): Wow, did you know you had *bones* in here?

> -Ok, Serena I'm not going to interfere in your life anymore, if
> marring this man makes you happy then I wish you the best, but let me
> tell you this, I will never love a girl like I have loved you.

Ruri (Serena): Go away.

> Suddenly he was back in the castle.- The man in the dark clothes spoke
> again

Tom (Man in black): Jesus Christ, you are such a *wuss*!

> -Very well Tuxedo Mask you are free to go.

Crow (Man in black): Don't let the door hit you on the way out!

> Then it was Venom's turn.

Mike: Mr. Venom! You're the next contestant on the Price is right!

> He appeared in Manhattan, as Eddie Broke

Ruri: Why did Eddie break?

> he walked for several minutes until he saw Spiderman flying above him

Mike: Up in the sky! It's a bird! It's a plane! It's... a spider?

> he followed him for several blocks until he saw what he was going after, it was his "son"
> Carnage, he was attacking a mall in the center

Mike: Of...?
Tom: A donut.
Others: A *donut*?
Tom: Well, that's what the script says...

> he tried to transform
> into Venom, but his powers were gone, he knew that Spiderman alone
> couldn't stop Carnage so he decided to help him anyhow

Tom (Venom): I have a death wish, you know!

> the battle was fierce between the three men until he found himself back in
> the castle as Venom.

Ruri: That was the test? Why didn't they just ask him the sum of one and
one?

> -Venom, you have passed your test, you are free to go.

Crow: Yeah, get outta here!

> It was know Sailor Moon's turn, what they didn't knew was
> that he had everything planned so everyone could leave but he will
> kept Sailor Moon for him,

Crow: as a love slave?

> so he prepared a test that he knew she wouldn't be able to pass.

Mike: Gee, thanks for giving away the plot like that, JB.

> The red light hitted her

Tom: Hey, she's running a red light!

> and she found herself back when she was fighting Queen Beryl

Bots 'n' Mike: Catfight! *Mreeeow*
Ruri: So many bakas.

> Darien was attacking her, but this time her
> tiara didn't work, and Darien inflicted several wounds on her,

Crow: For the first time in my life, I find myself liking Tux-weenie.

> she was bleeding but she tried to stand up, Darien asked her to gave
> him the Silver Crystal and he will stop his attack,
> behind him Queen Beryl laughed loudly.

Ruri: And evilly, of course.

> -NO! I can't do that!! Just stop it!! I love you!!
> -I can bring your friends back if you gave me the Crystal...

Crow: Careful, I think she has her fingers crossed!

> She hesitated, with her friends back she could get it back, she
> removed the crystal from her wand and then he gave it to Darien,

Ruri: Oh, Serena's a transvestite.

> when he got it in his hands he hitted her in the chest with his sword

Tom (Serena): Hey, don't touch me there!

> when the iron was about to penetrate her everything disappeared and she was
> back in the dark castle, the dark man gave his verdict.

Crow: Of the charge of being a great work of literature that should be read
by everyone the world over, I find you not guilty!

> -You endangered the whole world with your actions, for that you have
> been sentenced to eternal damnation you will be turned into a dead
> soul and you will remain here forever!!!!

All: BWAHAHAHAHA!

> Then opened a dimensional portal and told the others to leave.

Mike: It's as confusing as T.S. Eliot... but not as deep and meaningful...

> -We're not going without her!! Yelled Tuxedo Mask

Ruri (Man in black): Okay, if you insist. I'll kill all of you, then.

> -She didn't passed her test therefore she will stay.

Mike: Hey, you can't argue with logic like that!

> Sailor Mercury walked towards him

Crow: ...and kneed him in the groin?

> -I have something to propose you

Ruri: I now pronounce you man and wife.

> -Talk
> -I will stay in her place.
> -NO!!
> Screamed Sailor Moon

Mike: And then she woke up and it had all been a dream.

> Ami walked towards her.
> -Serena you are more important than me, you are the Princess of the
> Moon, if someone has to stay and suffer, let it be me.

Tom: What is she, a masochist? "Oh, by the way, do you have any chains and
black leather I could borrow?"

> -But Ami I can't left you here. I...

Ruri (Ami): I'll be sure to write you.

> -I has to be this way Serena

Crow (Hispanic): Yeah, chica. Shee hez to bee dis wey.

> I will stay she goes.

Mike: You can't argue with logic like that either!

> -Let it be like you said then.

Tom: Whoa! Wasn't his whole plan to capture *Serena*??

> A white light engulfed them and they disappeared Ami say them left,

Ruri: This fanfic has been filmed in confusovision.

> tears formed in her eyes, she was happy because her friends were alive
> again but she was also sad because she knew that she wouldn't see
> them again.-

Crow: Then what was the point of this fic? And why bother will all the
foreshadowing for stuff that you forgot to make happen?

> The black man

Tom: Dennis Rodman?

> got beside her and handed her a mirror.

Tom: Here, with the shards from this you can have the pleasure of gouging
your eyes out.

> -Here, you were really brave when you decided to stay here all alone
> without your friends

Ruri: For that, I'll be nice and kill you a bit faster than I was planning
to.

> for that I will give you this present, in this
> mirror you can see them anytime you want.

Crow: I'm getting confuseder and confuseder. Wasn't he supposed to be a
*bad* guy?

> Then he ordered his servants to take her to a room in the castle
> because he wanted her to stay with him forever

Mike: Insert evil laugh here.

> Meanwhile Serena and the others were back in Sabrina's castle,
> she was overjoyed when she saw them back, but when she knew about
> Mercury's whereabouts she was saddened.- She saw Serena crying in
> the crystal steps of the castle, she sited beside her.

Crow (Sabrina): You make me sick!

> -I know how you feel my sister, but sacrifices have to be done
> once and a while, I'm as sad as you are, but life must go on.

Mike (Sabrina): I know! Let's go get drunk! That'll cheer you up!

> -Don't you understand it Sabrina? It was my fault again!!!

Crow: Of course, everything's your fault! Haven't you read the contract?

> I failed her, like I failed them the first time when they died and now I
> failed once more

Mike: What was that she did? Fried? Flied? Flayed?

> I would like to be like you Sabrina, you always know
> what to do, you are a real princess, I'm just a klutzy, stupid
> good for nothing, I don't deserve to be a Sailor Scout, less I
> deserve to be Princess.

Ruri: In fact, I can't even use a period.
Mike (Sabrina): I agree. You're completely pathetic. You're a total and
utter failure. You suck! You make me embarrassed to admit I know you!

> As she talked and cried she started to rip her uniform

Crow: What's that...?

> Sabrina holded her and then she slapped her.

Crow: ...and it felt gooood.
Mike: Crow!

> -Calm down!! Serena I know how do you feel, I feel the same way, but I
> understand that our duty forces us to make sacrifices everytime

Tom: Can we choose who you sacrifice next time?

> it's not easy to be a Princess as it looks

Ruri: I wasn't aware that it even *looked* easy.

> you have to deal with a lot of things, and this is one of them.

Mike: This fanfic?

> Meanwhile in the land of the dead Ami was in her room thinking about
> her friends, she decided to use the mirror that she received from the
> Dark Man

Crow: Alias Santa Sting!

> she did and a white light engulfed her, in his throne room
> the Dark Man smiled.

Mike: She looks good enough to eat...
Crow: Mike! You're stealing my shtick!
Mike: Nope. I meant literally.

> Go with your friends Ami you proved that you didn't deserve to be
> here.

Tom: Huh? Wasn't he supposed to be a bad guy??? Who wanted to capture
Serena? And who then took Ami instead? Except she was sometimes spelt Amy
and then Venom was here for no good reason? And there was the most cliched
plot in all of fiction with the twin sis... (suddenly, his head sizzles, and
boils... and blows... ka-boom!)
Ruri: Huh??
Mike: Oh, damn! I hate it when that happens... Hold on while I get a
new head... (gets up and leaves)

> In the Crystal Palace the girls were overjoyed when they saw Ami
> there Serena hugged her like she had never done before

Crow: With slight lesbian undertones?
Ruri: (looks around and sees Mike isn't coming back yet. Then she shrugs and
hits Crow on the head.) Quiet, baka.

> after that Sabrina throw a party to

Mike: (returns from out of shot with a new bubble head for Tom.)

> celebrate their reunion and then she brought them back down to earth

Mike: (busily putting Tom's new head on.)
Crow: She brought them "down to Earth"? In this fanfic?
Mike: (finishes)
Tom: Even Las Vegas would be down to earth after this...

> she used her powers to erase the memories of their
> deaths from their loved ones so they could get back with their
> families.

Ruri: ...And therefore condemned herself to a lifetime of misery without her
sister or friends. The end.

> Meanwhile in New York , Peter Parker aka Spiderman got his report
> about his experiences in Japan the main lines said:

Tom: Whoa, whoa! Got *whose* report? And why? Venom's? Is that it?
Ruri: I think it's supposed to mean that he got his own report in to his
newspaper.
Tom: But why?? I don't...?
Mike: Careful, you'll overheat...

> "When Carnage attacked I saw a girl with two ponytails and tops that
> looked like meatballs

Tom: ...blanched bone fragments and stringy meat?

> she was accompanied by other four girls, a
> blond beauty, a lovely blue haired genius, a black haired priestess,
> and a sweet brunette

Crow: That's *not* Spider-Man!

> the were known as the Sailor Scouts and their
> leader was known as Sailor Moon, it was known that they defended earth
> against the forces of evil..."

Tom (Spider-Man?): Just like me!
Crow: ... and then the author ran out of breath.

> THE END

Mike: And thank Belldandy for that!
All: (leave)

Door Six...

Door Five...

Door Four...

Door Three...

Door Two...

Door One...

"Just out of curiosity," Ruri asked as the four emerged from the Theater,
"What was the point of that?"

Mike shrugged in response. "Well, Dr. F... that's Dr. Forrester, the guy in
the green labcoat... he's nuts. He thinks he can take over the World by
showing us bad movies."

"Bonkers." "Nutcase." the Bots chipped in helpfully.

"Oh," she nodded thoughtfully, "Well, that was certainly a *learning*
experience..."

Mike chuckled. "Heh. It was at that..."

Tom shook his head sadly. "Come *on*, Mike! What could you *possibly* learn
from a stupid piece of tripe like Maximum Carnage 2?"

Mike stared at Tom, "I was being sarcastic, Servo. Still, I'm sure there are
lots of useful conclusions to be drawn from this 'fic."

"Yeah, right!" Tom jeered, "Name one! I dare you!"

"Well," Mike started, "We learned that you can just insert characters into a
story without rhyme or reason. Did any of you know that?"

"Actually, no..." Crow said thoughtfully, "Okay... we also learned that if
you're a good guy, Tux-Boy's roses will just *bounce off* you!"

"Good point, good point..." said Tom, "I know. We learned that all truly
heroic characters have secret, long-lost twin sisters."

Ruri shrugged, "I know what we learned. We learned that spelling and grammar
are very much optional."

"How true... Well," said Mike, "we also learned that certain unnamed dwarves
can appear and reappear at will."

"So far as unnamed dwarves go," Tom said, "We *also* learned that they're
very good cures for spider, ahem, pardon me, "redips" bites."

"Redips..." Ruri said disbelievingly, "It seems we also learned that a very
good way of creating realistic new names for monsters is by spelling normal
words backwards."

Crow said, "We learned that mirrors can make very good parting gifts."

Tom nodded (well, bobbed up and down slightly) and said, "...and that cats
are apparently so stealthy that they can vanish midway through a story and
never reappear!"

Ruri said, "Well, we also seem to have learned that the only Sailor Scout
who's really worth saving is Mercury. I'm certain the other ones would find
that very interesting..."

Crow said, "We also learned that making established and popular characters
vastly out of character is *fun*!"

Tom said, "Speaking of Venom, it seems that he and Tuxedo Mask and, well,
just all men in general who aren't unnamed dwarves or men in black are
completely useless!"

Ruri said, "It looked to me as though events and characters in a story don't
actually need to be even remotely related to the plot."

"Plot?" Mike asked, "I think one thing we learned was that fics don't really
need a plot."

"Or characterization." Crow muttered.

"Or action." Tom pointed out.

"We *also* learned, to my great surprise," said Tom, "that when Men in black
tell the reader that they're planning to do something, what they really
*mean* is that they're planning to do something else entirely!"

"We learned that if you whine, cry, complain and blame yourself enough, you
can make the dead come back to life!" said Mike, "I *did* not know that!"

"We also learned," said Crow, "that people with stupid and overly long and
complicated names will choose to name themselves after popular movies!"

"In fact," said Tom, "I think I'd like to be known as 'Amadeus'."

"I'd like to be known as 'Oliver'," said Crow.

"Mike..." Magic Voice suddenly said, "I'd like to be known as 'Anastasia'."

"Oh, that's fine, Magic Voice!" Mike replied.

Tom said, "Well, we learned that Dr. Victor von Doom's friends can't write
any better than he can."

"We also learned that commas and periods are the root of all evil," Ruri
said.

"Yeah..." Mike muttered.

A long silence followed.

"Actually," Mike ventured, "I think the only thing we learned was that Dr.
F. has bad taste in fanfics."

"Yeah, but we knew that already." Crow pointed out.

"Well, yeah but..." *beep beep beep* "Speak of the devil! Gump and
Associates are calling!" The temp walked over and patched the Hexfield
Viewscreen through to Deep Thirteen. "Hello, sirs!"

Dr. Clayton Forrester stared back at him angrily, his left eyebrow twitching
even more angrily. "Oh, if it isn't the local PTA meeting... Do you think
I'm here to *amuse* you, Nelson? Do you think I'm here to *educate* you?
Well..."

"Careful, Steve," TV's Frank said from beside him, "your blood pressure..."

"Yes, Frank... You're right... For once." Dr. F. breathed in deeply.
"Anyway, Temp-boy, I hope you 'enjoyed' the film..." he cackled maniacally,
"because you ain't seen nothing yet...! Muahahahahaha! Now, I'd love to stay
and chit-chat, but we're a tad busy over here... That line of celebrity
dartboards has been doing *very* good business..."

"Yes, in fact," TV's Frank added, "we've started to expand! We're going to
be coming out with baseballs..." he held up a pair of baseballs imprinted
with pictures of Tom Cruise and O.J. Simpson, respectively, "...tennis
balls..." he held up a tennis ball with a picture of the Spice Girls,
"...golf balls..." he pointed down at a golf ball with a picture of Eric
Bischoff printed on it, "...punching bags...", he reached over and pulled up
a punching bag with a large image of Brian Mulroney on it, "and crash test
dummies!" he pointed down on the floor where there lay a lifesize dummy of
Hulk Hogan. "We're expecting to make a lot of money!" he whispered
conspiratorially, "So if you want a cut of the profits, tell us! Then we can
point and laugh at you!"

"Yes, like Frank explained," Dr. Forrester nodded, "We're *exceedingly busy
here, so I'm really afraid that we're going to have to go now... But, oh
boy, do I have a surprise in store for you..." he grinned evilly, "push the
button, Frank."

"Yessir, Chieferino!"

***Click***

Ruri: Are they *always* like that?
Mike: Do you mean the Mads or the fics? Well, either way, the answer is yes.
Ruri: (sighs) Gimme a break...

*ring ring ring*

Mike: Oh, that must be the pizza!

Written by: Blazej Szpakowicz.
Directed by: Blazej S.
Edited by: B. Szpakowicz.
Produced by: B.

Starring:
Michael J. Nelson as Mike Nelson
Kevin Murphy as the voice of Tom Servo
Trace Beaulieu as the voice of Crow

And introducing:
Omi Minami as Ruri Hoshino

With Special Villains:
Trace Beaulieu as Dr. Clayton Forrester
Frank Conniff as TV's Frank

Keep circulating the fics!

* * *

MSTer's notes:

(First off, Martian Successor Nadesico, the series I stolXXXX borrowed Ruri
from, was created by Kia Asamiya and StarChild. Also, Club Anipike
(mentioned in the second host segment) belongs to Nightbreak.)

Thanks to: Nightbreak for C&C on this MSTing and for letting me use Club
Anipike; Tim "Tenchi" McLees for archiving this at Tenchi's Vault of Anime
MSTings; Megane 6.7, Susano, JOLT!!!, Lefty, Tenchi, CGold, KFF and all the
rest over at the TVAM for encouragement and/or inspiration; to Best Brains
and Joel Hodgson for MST3k; to Kia Asamiya and StarChild for creating
Nadesico and Ruri; to the creators of the series involved for creating them;
and last but not least, for the authors of the above fics for writing them
and providing me with so many riffing opportunities.

Ruri Hoshino is, for those who don't know (which is probably about 90% of
the readers ;-), a character from "Martian Successor Nadesico", a very
cynical and sarcastic thirteen year old who is the pilot of the title ship.
For more information, go to the Anime Web Turnpike and look the series up.

A few people might wonder why I used Mike and not Joel, like I did last
time. It was just a whim, really. No real reason. I was *considering*
setting it after Seth "Lefty" Triggs' MSTing of Maximum Carnage (1), but
I've not seen any SCI-FI channel MST3k episodes and I didn't feel like
faking it. <blatant plug> I'd recommend getting Lefty's MSTing either at the
Vault or at his homepage, since it's well worth reading. </blatant plug>

Oh, and I'll admit Belldandy was OOC. Just pretend she's the manga version.
(You know, the one with *personality*...)

Next: First, a collaboration with Nightbreak on a almost decent Sailor Moon
Self Insertion then, eventually, the Esper Chronicles, the prequel or
sequel, depending on your point of view, to "Tales of the Red Knight
Sabers". Until then...

> Serena you are my sister and I love you with all my heart