MiST Fan Fiction: Deadpool’s Axe Grinder

(Scene: Satellite of Love. We see Mike and the bots talking to Pearl via the communicator on the bridge.)
Pearl: NELSON!!!!
Crow: I think she found your little surprise, Mike.
Pearl: I haven’t been so humiliated in my life!! I’m getting a new pleasurebot and sending Big John back to you!! With of course, a few alterations...
Crow (aside to Tom): I bet Big John would disagree about that humiliated thing.. .
Mike: Crow! Ssh!
(Big John teleports in.)
Big John: I’m Baaaaaccckkk!!!
All but Pearl and Big John: AAAAAAIIIIIIEEEEEEEE!!!!!
Pearl: I disconnected his on/off switch and removed that circuitry you put in there!
Mike: You fiend! He’s got a libido the size of Orion the Hunter!
Pearl: And if you try anything like this again, I’ll shut down that satellite and let it crash!!
(The screen goes blank.)
Tom: Hmmm... must be her time of the month.
Big John: Hey, she’s always like that.

(Intro credits to your favorite Mike and Pearl season. Commercials. When we come back, we see the same scene.)

Big John: All right, you got your revenge. I hope you’re happy now.
(The light comes on, indicating they have a Fan Fiction (FF.))
All: We’ve got fan fiction sign!

(Door sequence.)

7-6-5-4-3-2-1-

(The theater. We see Mike and the bots there.)

Mike: So what foul dreck has Pearl dredged up for us this time?
Crow: Looks like a piece of fan fiction.... Deadpool: Axe Grinder.
Tom: This was written by "The Commission on Superhuman Activities."
Mike: Remember what I said about a committee.
Crow: Too many writers spoil the plot. Well, let’s get started here....

> Deadpool "Axe Grinder"

> By The Commission on Superhuman Activities.

Mike: Just what we need, another axe-wielding homicidal maniac roaming the world.
Big John: Let’s hope someone grinds an axe into the heads of the writers.

> Teaser image: Bloodaxe stands over the fallen T-Ray. T-Ray is broken, bleeding, and
> has numerous bruises all over his body. Bloodaxe holds up her axe.)
> Bloodaxe: Now that I’ve killed you again, you should stay dead this time!!

Mike: Oh, come on. Nobody stays dead in the Marvel Universe for very long!
Crow: You're learning, Mike.
Tom: I’m glad I don’t live in the Marvel Universe, I’d hate to have to die and get resurrected over and over.
Crow: And the funeral expenses must be phenomenal!
Big John: You must have to buy a plot of land to bury you in at an early age, and then keep it ready so they can plant you in it every few months or so.
Mike: You probably have to keep a funeral home on retainer.
Tom: Maybe some of them have frequent entombment discounts.

> Narrator: If Bloodaxe can beat T-Ray... what hope does Deadpool have?

Mike: About as much hope as we have of getting a good piece of literature around here!
Big John: About as good of a chance as Mike has getting a total babe to -
Mike (interrupts, angrily): Don’t even think that, Big John!

> Character explanation forBloodaxe: Wielding the axe of the late Skurge the Executioner, Jackie
> Lupkus has regained her powers as the scourge of crime, Bloodaxe! This is one woman you
> don’t want to mess with.

Mike: What’s a Bloodaxe?
Big John: Oh God, no!!!
Crow: What?
Big John: Bloodaxe! By day she’s this really hot brunette babe, but when she picks up her axe she turns into a guy!
All but Big John: Holy crying game!
Big John: I have a feeling we’re going to see that line in here somewhere. At least once or twice.
Mike: How do you know about all these lame characters?
Big John: Pearl’s big into S&M. She tries some of the things out on me first.
Tom: Wait a minute. Bloodaxe was supposed to have been separated from her axe forever!
Big John: Oh yea... but then again, just like a regular Marvel script, they expect you to swallow anything.
Mike: Perhaps they’re jockeying for an open writing position for Marvel?
Crow: And knowing Marvel, they’ll hire these losers...

> (Page 1, panel 1. Bloodaxe faces T-Ray. They are in the Hellhouse.)
> Narrator: Picking up where we left off,

Tom: You should have left well enough alone.
Mike: Well, we wouldn’t have something to read if they did that.
Big John: What do you mean "picking up where we left off"? This is your first fanfic!!

> Bloodaxe has just spotted the toughest merc in the Hellhouse, T-Ray.

Crow (as Bloodaxe): Hey tough guy, you think a girl can’t kick your butt?
Big John: Pearl can really kick butt when she wants. She knows several martial art forms.

> T-Ray: Can’t a guy enjoy a beer in peace?

Tom (as Rodney King): Can’t we all just get along?
Big John: Do you really want 22 pages of a comic book where everyone is happy, well adjusted and being nice to each other?
Mike: It’d go over like a lead balloon.
Big John: Kinda like those Marvel Swimsuit issues of yours that Crow showed me.
Mike: What!?!?
Crow: Er, let’s continue here.

> Bloodaxe (surprised): YOU! I killed you long ago!

Crow: You shouldn’t be surprised.
Mike: See previous note. You can tell a writer is very quickly running out of ideas when s/he repeats his/herself.
Tom: Maybe it’s a case of too much Teletubbies.
Big John: Or maybe they’re big trance fans.

> (Panel 2. T-Ray pulls out his pack of post-it® notes.)

Mike: Oh no, he’s going to post-it® note us to death!
Big John: Now they’re going to call for restricting the use of post-it® notes. No more sneaking them through the metal detectors! You’ll have to wait seven days to get a pack! No selling post-it® notes to minors!
Crow: Black market post-it® notes will be sent to terrorists!

> T-Ray: Well, you want to have at it, hm?

Big John: Yea, Babe, go -

Mike (interrupts): Don’t even think of finishing that sentence.
Crow: Well, he does have a lot of muscles.
Mike (turns to Crow): Don’t encourage him.

> Bloodaxe: When I kill someone, I expect him or her to stay dead!
> Narrator: That’s not very easy in the Marvel Universe, mind you...

Mike: And you’re only NOW telling us that?
Tom: You mean these people realize that his plot is lame, and they’re POINTING IT OUT!?
Crow: Definitely running out of material very quickly.

> (Panel 3. A sword appears in T-Ray’s hand.)
> T-Ray: I learn from my mistakes.

Mike: But the writers sure don’t!
Crow: They’ve been harping on this dead thing for quite awhile now.
Big John: A clear sign that they're trying to stretch 10 pages of material out into 22.
Tom: Or maybe they’ve been watching the Teletubbies too much.

> Bloodaxe: Then why are you still in this hellhole?

Mike: Well, if you see a way off of this satellite, I’d like to know about it...
Crow (as T-Ray): I’m stuck in this mess because I’m a Marvel character.

> (Panel 4. T-Ray and Bloodaxe clash sword to axe.)
> Bloodaxe: Your dime store magic does not impress me...

Big John (sings): I am not impressed! (do less) I am not impressed! Charlie Sexton eat your heart out!
All but Big John: Who!?
Big John: Never mind.
Mike: Well, so far, I’m not impressed with this script either.
Crow: Has any of this impressed you?
Mike: No.

> for I have the power of the Bloodaxe!
> SFX: CLANG!

Big John (sings): Power to the people!
Mike: I found this really nifty axe and it turned me into a superhero, despite me being a woman.

> (Panel 5. Bloodaxe gives T-Ray an elbow in the face.)
> Bloodaxe: BAH! I have more strength in my finger than your whole body.
> SFX: WHOK!

Mike: Bah? Oh, so s/he’s a dark character.
Tom: Man, tough women just don’t last in the Marvel Universe. I mean, there was Lyja the Skrull who got thrown out over in Fantastic Four, Marrow is now being made into a cutie-pie bimbo over in X-Men, Then they made Mystique a heroine, etc.
Crow: I can’t say I like the kinder, gentler Marrow. I don’t think anyone does.
Big John: Yea, we all know that bad girls have more fun.

> (Panel 6. T-Ray gives Bloodaxe a foot to the jaw.)
> SFX: WHACK!!

Big John (sings): People voting Republican, give them a boot to the head.
Mike: Say, wasn’t this supposed to be a Deadpool story?
Tom: Yea, where is the merc-with-a-mouth?
Crow: Wisely staying away from this dreck.

> (Page 2, panel 1. Bloodaxe is unfazed as they clash axe to sword again.)

Big John: Because, after all, phasing is that total babe Shadowcat’s thing.
Crow: Come on, let’s make a dark Bloodaxe where s/he phases through things.
Tom: Look, we’ve had enough continuity problems, Do you really want more?
Mike: Hey, Marvel does expect you to swallow anything.

> SFX: CLANG!
> Bloodaxe: Is that the best you can do?

Mike: I should say the same to the writers!
Crow: If it is, I hope they don’t write more.

> (Panel 2. Bloodaxe removes the bandage on T-Ray’s face.)
> Bloodaxe: DIE!!!
> SFX: SHRIPP!!!

Mike: He dies because someone tore a bandage off his nose.
Crow: Well, I guess it could get infected...
Tom: Now T-Ray’s going to get germs in his nose.
Big John: Germs! Germs cause odors!

> (Panel 3. Bloodaxe sinks her axe into T-Ray’s chest.)
> SFX: SKLURCH!!!
> Bloodaxe: If you have any sense, you’ll stay dead.

Mike: And if you had any sense, you’d try to get away from this story as fast as possible!
Big John: Hey, make love, not war. That’s my motto.

> (Panel 4. We see Bloodaxe standing over a seemingly dead T-Ray.)
Mike: Of course, he actually is dead, but that's alright, because he's going to get resurrected next story.

> Bloodaxe: Such is the fate of all who work against the side of justice... for now, Bloodaxe is
> back!

Tom: So the fate of all evildoers is to be trapped in some lame fan fiction?
Crow: Good thing we’re the good guys. I’d hate to be trapped in a horrific story like this.
Mike: Well, you’re trapped in having to read it.

> (Page 3, panel 1. Deadhut. We see Deadpool lying in bed, beneath the sheets. )
> Narrator: And two hours away, in the Deadhut, After a night of heavy drinking, Deadpool lies
> down to sleep.

Big John: They finally have Deadpool in this story, and he’s sleeping!?
Crow (reciting the prayer): Now I lay me down to sleep/ I pray to thee that you get me out of this story!
Tom: He's probably sedated.

> Of course, you know what he’s going to be dreaming of.

Mike (Giving Big John and Crow the evil eye): Not one word out of you two.
Big John: Word. Sorry, I couldn’t resist.
Mike: D’oh!

> (Panel 2. He continues to sleep.)

Mike: Just like we’re going to be in a few minutes here.
Big John: Hey, he should try to get that Siryn babe in bed. I would.
Crow: But he’s horribly disfigured and not a pretty sight.
Big John: If she truly loved him, she would do it.
All but Big John: EEEWWWWW!!
Big John: What can I say? I’ve been programmed to make love to Pearl.
Tom: My God, you are sick.

> Narrator We will leave them in dreamland for a little. But for now, let’s go half way around the
> world, where it’s daytime.

Mike: Wait a minute. Deadpool’s alone in bed, but he then says "leave THEM in dreamland..."
Crow: Gee, he’s only been in the story for two panels, and already they’re messing him up.
Tom: Apparently, the member of the Commission that actually knows how to write Deadpool isn’t there.
Big John: They probably had to sedate him to be in this story.
Mike: This story is turning into one long sedative.

> (Panel 3. LLL&L headquarters. We see Zoe Culloden and Noah DuBois examining some
> equipment, looking at Bloodaxe on a monitor. Bloodaxe holds up her axe, which is smeared
> with T-Ray’s blood.)

Tom: Wait a minute. It was Landau, Luckman, and Lake, right? So what's the fourth L doing there?

> Noah: Ohmigawd! That mutant just tore through some of the most powerful mercs in the world,
> and killed them all!

Mike (as Noah): Now I can’t find anyone I can hire to off you, Zoe!
Big John: Hey, I could show her a thing or two.
Mike: Stay out of there, Big John!.
Crow: Isn’t Noah supposed to be dead?
Tom: Remember what we said about people dying in the Marvel Universe...

> Zoe: We’ve got to keep a level head, Noah. Who’s our nearest operative out there.

Mike: Insert question mark.
Tom: Level headed... kinda like the flatheads in Zork?
Crow: Well, these writers have been about as intelligent as Dimwit Flathead.

> (Panel 4. Noah faces Zoe.)
> Noah: That’s just it - Martin was killed by this thing! There’s not another one for miles!

Mike: Oh, so it’s a thing now.
Big John: You gotta respect the babes. Otherwise, you decrease your chances of getting laid.
Crow: Hmm.... Mike, maybe that’s why you -
Mike: Don’t even think that, Crow.

> Zoe: Noah, calm down!!

Big John (as Zoë): I’ve got something here to -
Mike (angered, interrupts): Big John, stop it!! We don’t want this Fan fic rated NC-17!!!
Crow: Wait to go, Mike. You just broke the 4th wall!
Mike: Oops. But that still doesn’t excuse Big John’s behavior.
Big John: I’m not bad, I’m just programmed that way.  Hey, that phrase is becoming my slogan!

> There’s got to be someone even remotely close.

Mike (as Zoë): Man, those agents are always nowhere to be found when there’s work to do.

> (Panel 5. Zoe pushes some buttons.)
> Zoe: And the winner is....

Big John: Definitely not us.
Crow (in an announcer type voice): Congratulations! You’ve just won an all-expenses paid trip to Chicago! And that’s not all! When you get there, you get to face an axe-wielding homicidal maniac who can break skulls, shoot magical blasts, and talk in a grating voice - all absolutely free!!
Tom: And that’s not all! You also get a year’s supply of rice-o-roni, the San Francisco treat!
(All who can cheer and applaud.)

> (Panel 6. Focus on Zoe’s face.)

Big John: I’d rather-
Mike (interrupts): Shut up, Big John. That’s wearing mighty thin now.

> Zoe: I just hope they’re up to the task.

Mike: Of course, it wouldn’t be much of a plot if they weren’t.
Tom: It wouldn’t be much of a plot if they were, either.

> (Page 4, panel 1. Deadhut again. We see Deadpool waking up in the middle of the night.)
> Deadpool: Grmph....

Mike: Grmph? The supposed star of the show, and the first line you give him is Grmph?
Big John: Yea, Pearl is just as much an ogre when she wakes up.
Tom: And when she’s standing, and when she’s talking, and when she’s eating, and when she’s... well, you get the point.

> SFX: RING! RING!
> (Panel 2. The phone continues to ring.)
> SFX: RING! RING!

Mike: Come on, people! One ring, one ring!
Tom: Huh?
Mike: Sorry, flashback from my first job. I was a customer service representative on Uraquart XIV. You had to answer the phone by the first ring or you would get a laser in the chest. Nobody really lasted too long in that job, even me...

> (Panel 3. Deadpool picks up the phone, still 99% asleep.)
> Deadpool: Whatever it is.... it can wait.

Crow: Yes, let’s put the plot on hold and drag the story down even further!!
Tom: You mean there’s a story in this?

> (Panel 4. Deadpool hangs up the phone. Panel 5. Deadpool puts his arm around a pillow
> again.)
> Deadpool (quietly): guh.

Big John: Man, I’d like to see what he’s dreaming about.
Mike: I’m not warning you again, Big John. One more and I’m throwing you out.
Big John: Remember what happened last time that you threw me out of one of these sessions?*
* See MiST Marvel: Generation X #42.

> (Page 5, panel 1. LLL&L HQ. Zoe and Noah are frustrated.)

Mike: They’re not the only ones! Get on with the plot, already!
Big John: Just like with the real Marvel comics storylines.
Crow: Nah, over there, there’s some semblance of a plotline.

> Zoe: Damn that pool! He’s got to get over there!

Mike: Otherwise, we won’t have a storyline.
Tom: I still don’t see any plot in this thing.

> Noah: I don’t think he’s a viable option right now, Zoe. We’re going to have to send someone
> else. I’ve found an agent in Mexico City that’s free right now.

Big John: So why didn’t you go to that guy first!?
Mike: Maybe he partied like Deadpool did.

> (Panel 2. Zoe grits her teeth.)

Crow: Because she realizes that she’s trapped in a terrible fan fiction piece.
Mike: If I was stuck in that fan fic, I think I’d go screaming my head off.

> Zoe: All right, what’s his name?

Mike: I’m Batman.
Crow: Wrong comic book company, Mike.
Tom: But much better quality.
Big John: Well, judging by some of the work we’ve been getting...

> Noah: Manuel Gomez-Portica.

Big John: Hinojosa Luis Perez Manuel Quintanilla -
Mike: We get the point, Big John.

> (Panel 3. Focus on Zoe’s face.)
> Zoe: Let’s hope he can do this.

Tom: Otherwise, the Commission will have to go back to their day jobs as tortured poets!
Crow: I thought they were accountants.
Big John: They're probably Marvel Editors.

> Narrator: Or a formula for disaster.

Big John: How apropos.
Crow: This whole thing has been a formula for disaster.

> (Panel 4. Go back to the Hellhouse. We see Bloodaxe leave, mounting her motorcycle.)
> Narrator: And back in Chicago... Bloodaxe leaves the carnage she wrought.

Crow: Hey, wait a minute! Carnage isn’t there! Rip-off! Rip-off!!
Mike: Perhaps they think that mentioning a cool character will help boost hits.
Big John: Just like showing women in skimpy clothing boosts sales in the real stuff.

> Bloodaxe’s thoughts: And now, to make sure that this never happens again.

All: By all means, stop this fanfic now!!
Mike: And revoke their artistic license.

> I must set an example for those who would be on the wrong side of the law.

Tom: Some example. You go around, beating people up, killing them, destroying property, and that’s supposed to be a good example?
Mike: About as good an example as this Fan fiction is turning out to be for quality entertainment.

> (Page 6, full panel page. Leave room for credits here.

Big John: "A place for everything, and everything all over the place."

> Bloodaxe fires a magical bolt into the Hellhouse, which causes it to explode.)
> SFX: THOOM!!!!!!

Big John: You killed the Hellhouse! You Bas-
Mike (interrupts): We don’t use that kind of language around here, mister! This is the Satellite of Love, not South Park!
Crow: Really. So what you said when you banged your thumb on that nail a few weeks ago wasn’t -
Mike (interrupts): Don’t bring that up again, Crow.

> Bloodaxe’s thoughts: Now, onward. The beast of evil has many hands.

Mike: And some of those hands are attached to the writers!

> (Page 7 , panel 1. Bloodaxe rides away as the police and emergency trucks enter.)

Big John: Can’t forget that Budwiser truck!
Mike: Big John! Stop ripping off Airplane!
Big John: Sorry, Mike. But you should have seen that one coming.

> Bloodaxe’s thoughts: Now to find the other pits of trouble around here. Whether it be a
> jaywalker or a mass murderer, all who do wrong shall feel the wrath of Bloodaxe!

Mike: Gee, I jaywalked 19 years ago... does that mean Bloodaxe is going to come and kill me too?
Crow: Well, you’ve got us to protect you.
Mike: Some comfort. A pleasurebot who would libido her to death, another robot with arms that don't work, and a third robot who has a gumball machine for a head.

> (Panel 2.

MiSTer’s Note: There is some text missing between the words Panel 2 and page 8, panel 1. This is the way it appears on the original.

Mike: Hey wait a minute. What happens in panel 2?
Crow: Are you sure you want to find out?
Mike: Well, now that you mentioned it....
Tom: Ignorance is bliss, Mike.

> (Page 8, panel 1. We see Manuel facing Bloodaxe.)
> Manuel: All right, gringo, eet ees time to estop thees!

Mike: Are you talking to Bloodaxe or the writers?
Tom: Zounds! Trapped in a bad FF story with a horrific Ren Hoek accent!
Crow: Could there be a worse fate?
Big John: Trapped on a satellite having to read the worst fan fiction in the world with two cobbled together robots and a stuffy, conservative human.

> (Panel 2. Bloodaxe advances on Manuel.)
> Bloodaxe: Nothing can stop the fury of Bloodaxe the Executioner!!

Mike: I’m sure if we took away your charge card, that would stop you!
Crow: Or at least switch it out for a Diner’s Club.
All: Visa, it’s everywhere you want to be.

> (Panel 3. Bloodaxe strikes Manuel with her axe.)
> SFX: KA_POW!!!

Mike: If I were Bloodaxe, I’d go after the real evil... the writers of this mess!
Big John: Wow, look at that sound effect... the people were so excited that they forgot to put the dash in lower case!

> (Panel 4. Bloodaxe cuts the head of Manuel off. )
> SFX: SHLURP!!!

Big John: A moment of silence for the passing of Manuel...
(Pause.)
Tom: That’s just like those racist bigots to introduce a Hispanic character and then kill him off...
Mike: Well, at least he’s spared this slipshod dialogue.
Big John: Until he gets resurrected again.

> (Page 9, panel 1. Bloodaxe holds up her axe.)
> Bloodaxe: All shall feel the fury of the Bloodaxe!!

Mike: And if Pearl has her way, all will feel the fury of this terrible fan fiction!

MiSTer’s note: Again text appears to be missing here. (This is a recurring theme throughout the story, true believers.)

Mike: More missing text! Come on, people! Ever hear of proofreading!?
Crow: Apparently not...

> (Panel 3. We see Deadpool sleeping in bed.)

Crow: Deadpool! Wake up! We need you to stop this terrible story!!
Mike: And I’ll pay you what I can to stop these writers from writing again!

> Deadpool: Zzzzzzzzzzzzzzz.....

Mike: Come on, he’s supposed to be the hero, and you’ve got him sleeping like a log!
Big John: Have you ever wondered why they chose the letter z to represent someone sleeping?
Tom: And outside of the U.S.A., the letter is pronounced zed. I wonder if British characters, when they sleep, go "Zed zed zed zed zed zed zed zed zed zed.."
Crow: If someone was saying the letter z loud enough, I wouldn’t be able to sleep.

> (Panel 4. The phone rings again.)
> SFX: RING! RING!

Mike: Well, don’t just lie there, answer the phone!!

> (Panel 5. Deadpool answers the phone.)
> Deadpool: Glumprph....

Mike: Man, with lines like that, you have to wonder why Deadpool agreed to be in this fan fiction.
Tom: Maybe he didn’t want to be in it, and is under heavy sedation.

> (Panel 6. Deadpool wakes up slightly.)
> Deadpool: Angelo’s pizza! Crappy pre-fab ‘za in three days or less!

Crow: What’s a za?
Big John: That line was ripped off from Deadpool #12! Can’t these people come up with something original?
Tom: It’s amazing how Deadpool was sound asleep in the previous panel, yet managed to execute that line so exactly.

> (Page 11, panel 1. We see Zoe talking to Deadpool.)
> Zoe: Pool! We need you to get over to Chicago pronto!!

Big John: They’re having a sale on bras for women with impossibly large chests, and I got to get a bunch!! Marvel keeps having me tear mine to pieces!
Mike: Big John!! Stop it!!
Big John: Man, you have been stuck on this satellite too long.
Crow: Well, I think that -
Mike (Interrupts): Don’t follow his example, Crow.

> (Panel 2. Deadpool salutes.)
> Deadpool: Yes, sir, chief!

Tom: Sir? You called a woman like Zoe sir? Deadpool, you need an eye exam!!
Big John: Well, she’s definitely a woman.
Mike: Stop it! We’ve got impressionable ears around here!
Crow (to Tom): I didn’t know you had impressionable ears.
Tom (to Crow): Not me. Must be Cambot.
Mike (heaves a big sigh): Work with me, guys.

> (Panel 3. Deadpool relaxes.)
> Deadpool: Uhn... why am I supposed to go there?

Crow: I think you really should be asking: "Why did I agree to be in this story?"

> Zoe: We need you to stop a menace that could kill us all!!

Big John: Yea, if I don’t get those bras, I’ll have to go around braless and then men would drown themselves in their own drool!
Mike: All right, that does it! Big John, if you say another word, I’m tearing out your power supply!
Big John: Come on, Mike. It’s not that bad.
Crow: I like his commentary.
Tom: You would.

> (Panel 4. The two of them continue to talk.)
> Zoe: It trashed the Hellhouse!

Mike: It’s about time. That place was an eyesore.
Big John: How can you tell? The place was a wreck to begin with!

> Deadpool (1): Say no more!

All: Please take his advice!

> I had a lot of great times in that place!

Big John: Pining for the old days, hm?
Crow: Please! No more recycling the ‘70’s!

> Deadpool (2): It’s where I had my first menage-a-trois.

Crow: You know, I’ve always wanted to get me in a menage-a-trois.
Big John: It's highly overrated.
Mike: NO MORE TALKING ABOUT SEX!!!!
Big John: But that takes all the fun out of life. Take out sex, and what have you got left? Violence. Make love, not war.

> (Page 12, panel 1. Deadpool hangs up the phone.)
> Deadpool’s thoughtS: Well, everyone is counting on me again, hm?

Big John: Yea, stop this fan fic and go and boff -
(Mike puts his hand over Big John’s mouth, muffling his words.)
Mike: Big John, I’m not warning you again.
Crow: Ah, a capital S. I bet the proofreader was very drunk or tired when they read this.
Tom: I don't think this was proofread.

> (Panel 3. Deadpool teleports out.)

Tom: Go! Run! Flee! Get out of this fan fic while you can!
Crow: A bit late for that.

> (Panel 4. Go back to Bloodaxe. We see her arrive at a bank which is being held up.)

Crow (as the church lady): Well, s/he arrived just in time to catch those bank robbers in the act... how conveeenient.

> Bloodaxe: Ah, more people who would disobey the law...

Tom: I didn’t do it! I didn’t do it! I swear I didn’t do it!
Mike: Didn’t do what?
Tom (taken aback): Er, never mind.

(The lights come on, and the doors open.)

Mike: Must be time for a commercial.

(Door sequence. Commercials. When we come back, we see Mike standing behind a counter, in front of some black cookware. Nearby is a kitchenette.)
Gypsy: It’s time for Cooking Great! And Here’s your host, Mike Nelson!!
(The bots cheer and applaud, except for Tom, who merely cheers.)
Mike (Obscenely cheerful throughout this commercial parody): Thank you, thank you. Now, what would you say if I told you that we’ve invented the ultimate in non-stick cookware? That’s right, the Forrester 3000 is the ultimate in pots pans, and dishes. Absolutely nothing, I mean nothing will stick to it. In fact, the coating is so slippery, it won’t even stick to the pot!

(The bots cheer and applaud, except for Tom, who merely cheers.)
Mike: But just imagine, no more worries over burnt anything! Just take a look at our cookware!
(We see a pot of burning milk on the stove.)
Mike: Just take a look at this, it’s burnt milk! Now, what do you normally do when you’ve got burnt milk? You throw the pot away, right? Not with the Forrester 3000!
(Mike dumps the milk in a sanflac, then shows everyone the pot. It has burned milk stains on it.)
Mike: Just one wipe with a paper towel will clean it all!
(Mike wipes the dish with a paper towel, but the stains still remain.)
Mike: See? No stains here! So, what do you think?
(The bots cheer and applaud, except for Tom, who merely cheers.)
Mike: But wait! There’s more! with this pot you get the exclusive skillet, 2-quart pan, 4-quart pan, and the amazing 5-gallon pan! And if you act now, we’ll throw in a special bonus: A complete set of measuring spoons that use an ancient Easter Island system, that even the best experts are confounded as to how it works!
Gypsy: But Mike, how does food make in these pots taste?
Mike: Just take a look here.
(Mike pulls out a nice chocolate cake made in a pan.)
Mike: See this cake? It’s my mothers recipe. She was a chef at the famous Cafe d’Abruzzo on Martariun XXI. Her recipe is known all over the sector for being wonderful.
(Mike takes a taste of the cake, then winces, and then gags.)
Mike: It’s still wonderful!
(The bots cheer and applaud, except for Tom, who merely cheers.)
Mike: And as a special bonus, if you order right now we’ll send your name and address to thousands of junk mailers who will give you enough circulars to rewallpaper the city of Chicago every month! Your e-mail account will be loaded with tons of spam, so much so that you’ll miss all the important messages!
(The bots cheer, and applaud some more, except for Tom, who merely cheers.)
Mike: And how much would you pay for this?
Tom: Why, it would cost a fortune!
Mike: Au contraire, Tom! We’re going to sell it to you for the incredibly low price of 500 easy payments of $19.95 each!
(The bots cheer more, and Crow, Gypsy and Big John applaud.)
Mike: And if you blindly follow all of this, then Marvel comics wants you to read their books!
(The FF light comes on again)
Tom: We’ve got Fan Fiction again!

(Door sequence. Theater. We see them sitting down.)

Big John: Ah, back to the draining board.
Tom: You stole that from Lush!
Big John: Hey, Miki and Emma are total babes.
Mike: Big John!

> (Page 13 panel 1. We see Deadpool in his uniform, putting his swords in their places on his
> back.)
> Deadpool’s thoughts: Got the guns, got the swords, got the grenades,

Mike: Wait a minute. What happened to Bloodaxe and the bank robbers?
Tom: They’re on hold, just like the plot.
Crow: Who does he think he is, Saddam Hussein?
Big John: Nah, he thinks he’s Carols "the Jackal."

> (Panel 2. Deadpool teleports out.)
> Deadpool: Time to rock and rool.

Mike: Rock and rool??
Crow: Is that anything like rock and roll?
Tom: Maybe Allen Freed threatened to sue if they used that term.
Big John: Just what we need, more lawsuit paranoia.
Mike: And didn’t he teleport out of his place before?
Big John: Sure did.
Tom: The Teletubbies strike again!

MiSTer’s note: More text missing here.

Mike: Come on, this story has more holes in it than Swiss cheese!

> (Page 15, panel 1. We see Blodaxe enter the bank.)

Mike: And who is Blodaxe? I thought her/his name was Bloodaxe!
Crow: Bloodaxe’s good twin sister?
Big John: Oh no, not the old evil twin plot!

> Bloodaxe: Attend me villains!

Crow (Snooty accent): For I am a woman and I absolutely must be pampered!
Mike: I certainly wouldn’t want villains to attend me.

> Your rain of terror is over!

Tom: Rain of terror? Is that like acid rain?
Mike: It’s like having to read fan fics like this over and over.
> Bloodaxe: Face the Fury of Bloodaxe!!

Big John: I’d rather put my face -
Mike: STOP!!
Big John: You’re no fun.

> (Panel 2. Go over to Deadpool. He teleports into the Hellhouse.)
> Deadpool: Loooosssseeeee! I’m home!

Tom (as Lucy): Ricky, I want to be in your shahw!
Crow (as Ricky): Loossee, you got some ‘splaining to do!

> (Panel 3. Deadpool looks the destroyed and charred Hellhouse over.)
> Deadpool: My, what happened to the Hellhouse?

Tom: Ah! Further evidence of my Teletubbies theory!
Mike: Maybe this story was written for the young.
Crow: Looks like they’re going for the pre-natal audience everyone seems to ignore.

> (Panel 4. A falling timber naarowly misses hitting Deadpool.)

Crow: Alright Mr. Proofreader, you’re fired!
Tom: You mean they had someone proofread this?
Mike: Now that you mention it, I kinda doubt it...

> Deadpool: Woah! Nearly got hit there.
> Deadpool: Wilson wobbles but he don’t fall down.

Big John: Aw man! That was ripped off from Sins of the Past!
Mike: Maybe these writers are trying to cover up the fact that the plot is lame.
Tom: Plot? What plot?

> (Panel 5. Deadpool spots the motorcycle track going away from the Hellhouse.)

Mike: And the police didn’t see this? Give me a break!!

> Deadpool: Hmm... tire tracks.

Tom: Any more redundancy will prove my Teletubbies theory!

> Deadpool: I must solve this scoobarific mystery!

Mike: Let me guess.. that too was ripped-off from Deadpool.
Big John: You got it.
Tom: Deadpool #0 to be exact.
Crow: I have to wonder if the authors could come up with an original idea even if they tried.

MiSTer’s Note: Still more missing text.

Mike: Again!? Man, this story has more holes than the streets of New York City.

> (Panel 6. Deadpool turns around.)
> Deadpool’s thoughts: Trouble!

Mike: Yea, you’re trapped in a terrible fanfic!
Crow: Yea, you’ve got a lot of text missing there!

> (Page 17, panel 1. Deadpool goes over to see Bloodaxe beating on some bank robbers.)
> Deadpool’s thoughts: Man, look at the size of that dude.
> Deadpool’s thoughts: I’m not sure I want to get involved with that one. He’s as big as the
> Juggernaut!

Crow: Then are we going to hear "Nothing stops the Bloodaxe!"?
Tom: Wouldn’t surprise me.
Mike: What amazes me is that Deadpool managed to find Bloodaxe so quickly in a city as big as Chicago.
Big John: Oh, well Chicago must have superpowered zones, where the heroes can go bashing villains kind of thing.

> (Panel 2. Suddenly, from nowhere, Bloodaxe makes a diving kick, striking Deadpool in the
> back.)

Crow: HUH??? How could someone as big as the Juggernaut go around Deadpool and sneak up on him without Deadpool noticing?
Big John: And it’s amazing how someone that big and strong can strike Deadpool and not make a sound.

> (Panel 3. Deadpool faces Bloodaxe.)
> Bloodaxe: You again! This time, you won’t get away!!
> Deadpool: Mother...

Mike: Ah, mister tough gritty mercenary is calling for his mother when the going gets tough, hm?
Crow: If I hired a tough Merc, I wouldn’t want him turning chicken at the first sign of trouble.

> (Panel 4. Deadpool block Boodaxe’s axe with hiss swords.)
> SFX: CLANG!!

Mike: That’s it! Your grammar gets an F!
Crow: A proud graduate of the Dan Quayle School of Spelling for sure.

MiSTer’s note: Yet another block of missing text.

> (Page 19, panel 1. We see the axe fall over the edge.)

Mike: What?? More missing dialogue! Look, you shouldn’t publish a fan fiction until it’s done!!
Crow: Maybe the writers just couldn’t come up with a way to have Deadpool disarm Bloodaxe, so they just conveniently left it out.
Tom: Or it just slipped their minds.
Big John: Frankly, half of the story seems to have slipped their minds.

> (Panel 2. We see Bloodaxe’s axe falling downward, towards the ground.)

Mike: Hold on here. They were already on the ground!!
Tom: Maybe the writers’ inflated egos boosted them to the top of that building.
Crow: I’d hate to be at the bottom of where that axe lands. I remember reading a story about how a man accidentally dropped a penny of the top of the Empire state building, and by the time it got to the ground, it went through a taxi and its driver, and went through the ground and buried itself in the floor of a subway car. That axe will probably go all the way to China!

> (Panel 3. Bloodaxe faces Deadpool.)
> Bloodaxe: You idiot!!

Mike: Again, are you talking about the writers or Deadpool?
Tom: Both, probably. The writers for writing this mess, and Deadpool for agreeing to be in it.

> (Panel 4. Bloodaxe transforms back into Jackie in a blinding flash of light.)

Big John: Because, after all, we can’t show nudity in a comics code approved book.
Mike: All right, that does it!
(Mike duct tapes Big John’s mouth shut.)
Big John: Mike, you do realize that’s not very effectual in shutting me up. Besides, Pearl is doing that to me constantly.
Mike: D’oh!!

> (Panel 5. Deadpool stands over the fallen Jackie Lupkus.)
> Deadpool: What? That was a woman!? Holy crying game!

Mike: What? Can’t this guy come up with an original idea? Holy Vanilla Ice!
Big John: OOH MAMA!! WHAT A BABE!!
Crow: Yea, she’s hot!
Mike: Cut it out, guys! You can’t actually see her!
Big John: Come on, Mike. In the Marvel Universe, every woman’s a total babe, and every guy’s a hot stud.
Crow: It kinda compensates for having to die and come back so much.
Tom: I thought she turned back to Jackie "in a blinding flash of light." Shouldn’t Deadpool not be able to see now?
Mike: Hey, you’re right.

> (Page 20, panel 1 .Jackie stands.)
> Jackie: Thank... thank you for saving me.

Big John: Well, I can-
Mike: All right, that does it!
(Mike grabs Big John, and tears his power supply out amidst a shower of sparks.)
Tom: Ooh... that had to have hurt.

> (Panel 2. Deadpool helps Jackie stand.)
> Deadpool: What’s going on here?

Big John: We can’t figure that out either because too much of the story is missing!
Mike: What in the --!?
Big John: I guess I forgot to tell you about the backup power unit.
Mike: CURSES!!

> Jackie: I... I became it again, didn’t I?

Big John: Nah, Deadpool just put a few knockout drops in your drink.
Crow: Probably the only way he could get a woman to sleep with him.
Big John: Just like -
Mike: Don't say it!!

> (Panel 3. Jackie turns away from Deadpool.)
> Jackie: Don’t let me touch that axe again.

Big John: Well, you can touch -
Mike (interrupts): Stop it!
Crow: My axe anytime.
Mike (turns): DON’T ENCOURAGE HIM!!
Big John: Crow didn’t need that much encouragement. He’s a mighty quick learner too.

> Deadpool: Yea... right.
> (Panel 4. Jackie goes down the steps, with Deadpool following.)

Mike: WHAT!? This woman tried to kill you, and now you’re following her?
Crow: Maybe she’s like Red Sonja, you know "No man may have me until he bests me in combat" kind of thing.
Tom: Well, now that she’s lost, does that mean she has to sleep with him?
Big John: If she does, I’d like to see it!
Mike: Don’t make me have to rip your back-up power source out, Big John.

> (Page 21, panel 1. Deadpool follows Jackie down.)
> Deadpool: Say, how can I be sure you won’t turn into that maniac again.
> Jackie: I can only pray.

Big John: Aw man, praying isn't’ fun! Take this babe and teach her a thing or two in bed!
Mike: You leave me no alternative.
(Mike puts tape over Big John’s optical sensors.)
Big John: Oh, come on, you like sex too.
Mike: I do not.
Big John: Then why do you have all those magazines in your -
Mike: I told you to stay out of my room!

> (Panel 2. Deadpool stops Jackie.)
> Deadpool: I can help, you know.

Crow: Yea, help her into -
Mike: Crow! Don’t you start in now!
Crow: Well, someone’s got to take up the slack now that Big John can’t see things.
Big John: You’re making me proud, Crow.

> Jackie: Sorry, but this is something I have to deal with... alone.

Mike: Don’t even think it.
(Big John puts his fingers to his head, indicating he is concentrating deeply.)
Mike: You get a sadistic pleasure out of tormenting me like this, don’t you?
Big John: I think the real reason why she sent me here originally was to get you to loosen up a bit.

> (Panel 4. Deadpool gets in front of Jackie.)
> Deadpool: Well, you’ve got a secret... and it’s going to cost you for me to keep it.

Crow: Yea! Go -
Mike (interrupts): To jail. Do not pass go. Do not collect $200.

> (Page 22, panel 1. Jackie mounts her motorcycle.)

Crow: A motorcycle mama.
Big John (sings): Motorcycle girl, I love you! You don’t even know my name/ You think that I ain't your kind. Well, ain't it a shame!
Tom: Who is that?
Big John: Los Pendejos, I think.

> (Panel 2. Deadpool turns away, dejected.)

Tom (Sings): Alone again... naturally.
Crow: Maybe he should change his mouthwash.

> (Panel 3. Deadpool teleports out. Panel 4. We see Deadpool sleeping in bed again, covered
> with the sheets.)

Mike: Oh God! Not more stretching this story out by showing Deadpool in bed!
Tom: Ah-ha! My Teletubbies theory has been proven!

> Narrator: There’s always one place he can go where he can have the women of his dreams. As
> he sleeps, he’s Don Juan.

Mike: No, no. The line is "I’m Batman."
Crow: Maybe you should find out his secret so you could be Casanova while you sleep, Mike.
Mike: *SIGH*... I give up. You two are impossible.
(Mike rips the tape off of Big John’s eyes.)
Mike: The fan fiction is over now.

(The lights come up, and the doors open.)

Big John: I’ve got an idea, guys. Let’s play a little trick on Pearl here.
Mike: What did you have in mind?
(Big John whispers into Mike’s ear.)
Mike: I like it.
(Door sequence. We see them arrive back at the bridge. On the screen is Pearl. Mike is being carried in by the bots. He has a glazed expression on his face and is drooling.)
Mike: Horkt! Hleugh!
Pearl: Well you waste of DNA, what do you have to say now!?
Mike: Gleught! Ergkzt!
Pearl (smiles): Ah-ha! I’ve found it! The one piece of work so horrific that it will break even the strongest willed people! Soon, the world will be mine!!
(Mike suddenly straightens up, and stands on his own.)
Mike: PSYCH!!!!
Pearl: WHAT!?!?!?!?
Mike: You really thought you had be beaten, hm? Forget it, Forrester. You’ll never beat me!
Pearl: Curse you Nelson!!! I’ll be back with something so horrific that you won’t be able to resist at all!!
(The screen goes blank.)
Big John: It was worth it.

--End--