Mystery Science Theater 3000 is owned by Best Brains Inc. Created by Joel Hodgson. Used without permission.
Spider-Man is owned by Marvel Entertainment Group. Created by Stan Lee and Steve Dikto. Used without permission.
(Mike and the bots appear on the SOL bridge)
Mike: Hi everyone. Welcome to the Satellite of Love. I'm Mike Nelson, a temp who was shot into space by my bosses, Dr. Clayton Forrester and TV's Frank to replace the guy who built these robots.
Servo: Anyway, we are forced to watch bad movies and read bad fanfics against our will. If one actually breaks our spirits, Dr. F will release it on an unsuspecting world and take over. Fortunately, it hasn't happened yet but we've had some close calls.
Crow: Yeah. Say guys, we're being written by a new MSTier today.
Mike: Oh, who is he?
Crow: Well, he's the guy who wrote "Sailor Brittany"...
Servo: "SAILOR BRITTANY?!" We're doomed, -doomed- I tell ya...!
Mike: Servo, calm down! Look, just because one of his fics was MSTied doesn't make him a bad author.
Crow: Uh, Mike, he just made you say that.
Mike: Oh, that's right. Hey wait, he just made -you- say what you said!
Crow: Well yeah...hey you're right! AAAH!
(the Mads lights flashes)
Mike: Ah, just in time. (taps it, as Helen from "Daria") Hi, Eric!
(Deep 13)
Dr. F: I hope someone gets that, Nelson. Okay, boobies. I just got word from the author, so here's the deal. I get to send you three things and then he's going to assemble his own band of hamdingers with a similar job to yours. Also, they're all professional works.
(SOL)
Mike: Hey, that doesn't sound bad!
Crow: Yeah! It's like getting a working vacation and then a free vacation!
(D13)
Dr. F: What's that? You think just because I'm sending you Pro works that makes them easy for you? Ha! Think of -why- I'm sending them! Anyway, the first of my traumatic trilogy is a little Spider-Man tale from the '70s.
(SOL)
Crow: Whew! I thought you were going to say "'90s!"
(D13)
Dr. F: Oh, but this isn't a comic book story persay...it's part of a book and record set from Power Records...and the author is unknown.
(SOL)
Servo: Writer unknown? That sounds scary!
(movie sign)
All: OH, WE'VE GOT BOOK AND RECORD SIGN!!!
(door sequence)
> The Amazing Spider-Man: Invasion of the Dragon Men
Servo: Spidey? Dragon-Men? Not a good sign...
> Narrator: It is a warm summer night on a hilltop far from the
> bright lights of the city. A group of beginer students in
> astronomy gazes up at the northern stares. Their instructor is
> speaking...
Mike: (as instructor) So you see, the planets close to Earth were named after the Sailor Scouts...
> Instructor: The easiest way to identify the constellations is to
> start with Ursa Major, the Big Dipper--
> Student: -There- it is...it's beautiful!
> Jimmy: Boy, am I thirsty! Could you pour me a Coke out of that
> dipper?
Crow: Hey, don't riff the story kid! That's -our- job!
> Sue: Very funny, Jimmy!
> Instructor: And over there, opposite the Big Dipper, lies
> Cassiopeia, queen of the heavens...
> Student: Looks like the letter W...
Servo: (instructor) Yes, you have learned the first rule of astronomy, the constellations are nothing like their names.
> Instructor: Right! Now look carefully--half way between the Big
> Dipper and the Cassiopeia lies Polaris, guiding star of our
> planet Earth...
> Jimmy: Hey, this is a drag! C'mon Sue, let's split and go over
> there by ourselves...
> Sue: Gee, I don't know...
Crow: (Sue) I mean, us being alone is obvious foreshadowing, isn't it?
> Jimmy: Nobody'll even notice we're gone!
Servo: (Jimmy) We're not regular characters, no one will even remember us!
> Sue: Well...okay...but just for a little while...
Crow: (Sue) Just enough time for us to get killed.
> (Jimmy and Sue sneak off)
> Instructor: And -there-, winding a huge coil around Polaris like
> a serpent ready to strike, lies Draco the Dragon!
> Student: Wow! Really looks like a dragon! And hey, look at all
> those shooting stars! Almost like the dragon is breathing fire
> right down at us!
> Instructor: That's just a meteor shower! But it -is- unusually bright!
> Student: I'd swear they landed right there on the other side of the hill!
Mike: (student) I wonder if this applies to the plot...nah!
> (somewhere nearby, Jimmy and Sue are making out)
Crow: Hmmm! I like this. Too bad I can already tell their doomed.
> Jimmy: What an imagination -she's- got! Hey, isn't this better
> than being with them?
Mike: I wish he worded that differently.
> Sue: We--ll mmm-mmm! --Jimmy!
Servo: Oh, to be young and lustful and in the seventies.
> (a group of semi-humanoid dragon-like beings arrive)
All: (sarcastic) NO!
> Sue: Look!
> Jimmy: Huh? Good Lord! Get down, Sue...don't move!--
> Sue:...Those...Those creatures!
> Jimmy: They have almost human bodies...
> Sue:...And dragon heads!
> Jimmy: They're heading right toward the others!
Servo: (Jimmy) I'd warn them, but I'd rather wait here so I can make out with my girlfriend later.
> (a much larger Dragon-Man appears with wings, breathing fire)
> Sue: And look at that one...bigger than the rest! He looks like
> he -is- a dragon! Breathing smoke and fire!...
> Jimmy:...But he walks like a man!
> Sue: I think he -sees- us!
Mike: Whew! I was afraid he -heard- them, what with them talking out loud while hiding.
> Draco: --Earth people!
Mike: (Draco) I forgot the beginning of my sentence.
> Hear me, and hear me well! I Draco,
> king of the Dragon-Men, master of the heavens, from this moment
> on shall rule over planet Earth! Your fate is sealed!
Servo: (Draco) Now, which of you is Earth's leader?
Crow: (Jimmy) Sound like your looking for Tuxedo Mask. He's in the Sailor Moon stories.
Servo: (Draco) Oh, sorry. Carry on.
> Narrator: The next morning, down at the Daily Bugle, publisher
> J. Jonah Jameson is furious.
Servo: (JJJ) It's taken -this- long to show that this is a Spider-Man story!
> JJJ: Listen to this: "Mysterious disappearance of a young group
> of students terrifies country, baffles police".
Servo: Wha? A relatively few students disappear and, what, twelve hours later the whole -country- is afraid?
Crow: Guess people didn't disappear that often back then.
> That's from the
> Clarion!...And this: "Reports of strange lights, U.F.O's and
> weird creatures from space have aroused fear and panic in the
> countryside". That's from the Ledger! And what have -we- got?
> Not a word, not a picture!
Mike: (JJJ) And we're going to keep it that way! This is a newspaper with editorials against Spider-Man, not a tabloid!
> Secretary: Mr. Jameson, these reports just came in...you better
> look at them...
Crow: (JJJ) Hmmm..."New Spider-Man cartoon has Spidey on alternate Earth with new costume..." This can't be right!
> JJJ: Invasion by creatures from space confirmed. New York City
> may be their next objective. Eye-witnesses describe space
> creatures as Dragon-Men! PARKER!
> (Peter Parker, alas Spider-Man, enters)
> Peter: Yes, sir!
Mike:(JJJ) Find out what my reporters are on! Look at this report!
> JJJ: Parker, this is the biggest thing of the century!
Crow: (Peter) What about the last Skrull invasion and all the other alien invasions that happen to New York in the Marvel Universe?
Servo: (JJJ) This is bigger.
> You get out there and get me some pictures -fast- or you're through!
> You got that?
> Peter: Yes -sir-! (thinking) Phew, is -he- mad!
> (Peter leaves)
Mike: (Peter) But then, he's always mad.
> JJJ: And as for the rest of you so-called reporters...
Crow: (reporter) Sir, Parker isn't a reporter. He's a freelance photographer.
Servo: (reporter) Sir, we're not here. No one else is in this office with you.
> (Peter is on the streets of New York)
> Peter: (thinking) Dragon-Men! Oh boy! I never did go for all
> that space creature jive
Crow: "Jive?"
Mike: The writer really wanted to make this relevant for the time.
> and...uh, oh my spider-sense is tingling...
> (a reddish-brown-haired Mary Jane Watson arrives)
Servo: Brown-haired? The colorist didn't know MJ's a redhead?!
Crow: Who cares?
> MJ: Hi Peter! Where are -you- going in such a hurry?
> Peter: Hi, Mary Jane...Ole Jameson sent me on a wild-goose
> chase...he's really freakin' out!
> MJ: Mind if I join you?
> Peter: Come on, only you're gonna have to move fast. (thinking)
> Something strange goin' down. Everywhere I walk, it's like
> danger's walking along with me...'specially when I pass a
> manhole or a sewer.
> MJ: Peter Parker! Are you talking to yourself again?
Mike: (Peter) No, I'm thinking to myself. Can't you tell?
> Peter: Huh? Oh, sorry, M.J. ...Look...this thing's bugging'
> me...I'll call you soon okay?
> MJ: Well, if -that's- the way you feel...(walks off)
Crow: It's times like this I'm glad that she secretly always knew Peter was Spider-Man and eventually married him.
> Peter: (thinking) Hated to do that, but I gotta get back to my
> pad and switch to my Spiderman outfit
Servo: "Spiderman?" It's "Spider-Man!"
Mike: Pad? Shouldn't he be wearing his costume under his clothes?
> ...ole Web Head gotta take
> a closer look at the sidewalks of New York, and I don't mean the
> song of the same title...
Crow: Ah, more relevance.
> Narrator: Late that afternoon, in one of the myriad of
> subterranean passages beneath the streets of the city:
> (Spider-Man is running down a sewer)
> Spidey: (thinking) Ee-yuch! I can think of a hundred places I'd
> rather be than down here in the sewer system of New York,
Mike: I wonder if "orbiting satellite" is one of them.
> but from the minute I got here, my spider-sense has been jumping like
> a yo-yo! Every passage I've been in has been sending out danger
> signals...and yet I haven't seen...
> (his spider sense goes off)
> Spidey: (speaking)...Hey, wait a minute! LIght up ahead...gotta
> move in closer. Look at that...a huge control room of some
> kind--that wasn't here before
Crow: Thanks for saving Mitch the trouble of describing the scene, Spidey!
> ...And who, or -what- is running
> those machines?? Jumpin' Jupiter! It's the Dragon-Men!
Mike: "Jumpin' Jupiter?" Oh, boy...
Crow: (Cheetor from "Beast Wars") Jumpin' gyros!
> And up on the platform...that's got to be the leader--phew! He's a
> dragon! An honest to goodness fire eating, smoke-breathing
> dragon, standing up like a ten-foot man and...
> Draco: Welcome Spiderman! Come in!
Mike: (Spidey) D'oh! So much for my "he won't here me while I'm hiding and talking out load" theory.
Servo: That's the second time that theory's failed.
> Spidey: (thinking) Holy cow! He even talks like a man! And how
> does he know me?
Crow: Well, you kinda stand out, what with the red suit covered with webbing and all.
> I gotta play this cool!
Servo: (deep voice) Oh yeah. Real cool, baby.
> (speaking) At your
> service, mister...er...ah...mister...
Mike: (Draco) How about "master?"
> Draco: We can dispense with pretense, Spiderman!
> Spidey: (thinking) Not a bad rhyme for a dragon...
Servo: Watch it Spidey! We're already on three stories notice here!
> Draco: Draco, king of the Dragon-Men has not descended from the
> heavens to brandy words with mere Earthlings!
> Spidey: Then why -has- Draco come?
Crow: (Draco) To -drink- brandy and without mere Earthlings.
> Draco: Since you are about to die, I'll tell you why...
Mike: Ah, yes. Typical villain logic.
> by midnight tonight, -your- time,
Servo: (Draco) 3 o'clock dragon time...
> the mighty Draco will be master of planet Earth!
> Spidey: (thinking) Phew! From what I see right here, looks like
> he could do it too. Gotta stall for time, learn his plan.
> (speaking) Sounds like a tall order, even for a braggin' dragon!
> Draco: Your insolence...is beneath my notice, Spiderman!
Crow: (Draco) That is why I paused before answering.
> But the minute I activate this -miniature- model of my hydro-magnetic
> energy deactivator...
> Spidey: Miniature?? It must be twenty feet long by ten feet high!
Servo: (Draco) Hey, you're right! I guess we left the miniature back home!
> Draco: Precisely! This miniature HMD will instantaneously
> paralyze every energy source in this city!
> Spidey: -Every- energy source? You mean...people, too?
Mike: (Draco) Of course! Why, this is an even better plan that I originally thought!
> Draco: Obviously...every living thing in its minuscule way is an
> energy source and will be deactivated...paralyzed...as you might say...
> Spidey: -Then- what? New York is only one small part of the world...
Mike: With a few million people in it...
> Draco: When word of this event is heard all around your so-called world,
Crow: (Draco) To us, the world is just a big rock with water on it.
> I shall issue an ultimatum which will bring it to
> its knees, subject to the rule of Draco!
Crow: (Spidey) Actually, they might retaliate unless you have a backup plan.
Servo: (Draco) Doh! And it was all going so well. Well, I'll try another planet then.
> Spidey: (thinking) Gotta stop him and his machine somehow!
> Draco: But first I shall dispose of the one earthling who might
> get in the way...you, Spiderman! When Draco next speaks...you
> shall die!
Servo: Huh? What about the Avengers, Fantastic Four, the X-Men?
> (Draco shoots flame from his mouth which Spider-Man dodges)
> Spidey: Ha, ha, ha...you missed, ole buddy...wanna try again?
Mike: (Draco) Very well. FOOM!!!
Crow: (Spidey) ARRGHH!!!
> (thinking) Wow! That was close! He's a walking flame
> thrower!...shot that flame out of his mouth 30 feet away! Gotta
> lure him away from that machine long enough to get a shot at
> it...(speaking) Come on...I'm waiting for you...or is the mighty
> Draco afraid to get off his pedestal?
> Draco: Draco fears nothing or no one, least of all, you, Spiderman!
Crow: (Draco) Actually, I'm afraid of the producers of the new Spider-Man and Avengers shows. Good thing I'm not on them.
> Spidey: (thinking) He's off the the platform...coming toward
> me...Just a little more baby, that's it...
Mike: Again, I wish he worded that differently.
> Draco: (drops controller for HMD) Die, Spiderman!
Servo: (Draco) I hope dropping this thing wasn't part of his plan.
> (Draco shoots flame again. Spider-Man web-slings away)
> Spidey: Missed again, chum! (thinking) Now's my chance to get
> some of Spidey's patented heavy-duty icky-sticky web fluid all
>over the controls of that machine...like -this-!
Crow: Forget the commercial and just do it!
> (Spidey webs up the controller to the HMD)
> Spidey: Got it! I've deactivated the deactivator! What does
> -that- do to your flakey plan, dragon baby?
Mike: (Draco) It postpones it. All I need to do is wait an hour for the webbing to dissolve.
> Draco: Dragon-Men! Seize him-destroy him!...
> Spidey: (thinking) Uh, oh...I wondered how long before -they-
> got into the act!...
Crow: (Spidey) What with them being the title characters of this story.
> There's too many of them...gotta get out of here fast!
> (Spidey web-slings away)
> Draco: Don't let him get away!...Take him, stop him!...
> (Spidey crawls through a tunnel)
> Spidey: (thinking) I'm positive one of these tunnels leads to
> the control room of the city's water supply...Wow! There it is!
Crow: (Spidey) How convenient!
> Man, those old spider instincts really come in handy down
> here!...Now to divert the water flow just long enough to flood
> the underground passages.
> (Spidey starts to turn a valve, but...)
> Spidey:(thinking) Uh, oh...Here come a few of Draco's pretty boys.
> (Spider-Man webs their faces)
> Spidey: A couple of well aimed shots by the web-slinger...and
> they're out of action! Now to turn on the flood...and get outa here!
> (Spider-Man turns the valve and water from a large pipe washes
> away the Dragon-Men)
Crow: (Spidey) Let's see, should I check on Draco or the others or see if their lab was destroyed? Naah. I'm sure I got them.
Servo: (Spidey) Hey, wasn't I supposed to take pictures for Jameson? D'oh!
> Narrator: It is now ten o'clock that night...
> (Spidey is running up the side of a building)
> Spidey: Phew! Nice to be -on- the streets of New York instead
> of -under- them!
Mike: Or...on the side of a building.
> (a newsboy is selling copies of the Daily Buegle)
Crow: (newsboy) Extra! Extra! Mistake with printer! Paper misspells it's own name!
> Newsboy: Get the latest here...special night edition...Dragon-
> Men destroyed in under ground flood! Now revealed to have been
> robots, not humanoids...Dragon-Men destroyed! Get the latest here...
> (Spidey hangs on a web-line behind paper newsboy is holding)
> Spidey: Robots!...From outer -space-? Hmm,mm...
Crow: Wow! What a -transforming- concept!
Mike: (newsboy) Hey fella, you gonna read over my shoulder or buy it!
Servo: Spidey has to stop thinking out loud.
> (Spidey web-slings away)
> Spidey: Gotta get me up high where the air is fresh and I can
> clear my head and do some thinking...a little web slinging and
> up, up and -away- I go!
Mike: The next morning, Superman gave our hero a lawsuit.
> (Spidey swings near the Empire State Building)
> Spidey: Hey, ya know this ole Empire State Building is still
> pretty high
Servo: (Minnesota woman) Why, look at that building grow. Why, it's like a weed, hee hee!
> (Spidey sits on top of the Empire State Building)
> Spidey: ...and look how clear the stars look from here, there's
> the Big Dipper...and Cassiopeia and Polaris, and...well, what do
> ya know! Draco the Dragon! Still up there...then the leader of
> the Dragon-Men -wasn't- an invader from space!
Servo: What? He thought Draco was the -constellation-?
Crow: So if your a star from a dragon constellation, you become a dragon on Earth?
Mike: I'm just glad the guys Spidey was just fighting weren't really from space.
> (Draco arrives)
> Draco: Correction, Spiderman...-isn't- an invader from space...
Mike: Again, talking out load while trying to be alone summons Draco.
> Spidey: You, Draco! Or whatever your name is...so you managed
> to escape.
> Draco: Tho' you destroyed my army, you can never destroy Draco!
Servo: (Draco) I'm a Marvel character after all.
> Spidey: Come off it, Drakey ole chum! Tell me who -are- you
> really and why the masquerade?
> Draco: This is no masquerade I assure you--I- am Demosthenes Q.
> Drake...
Mike: (Draco) No wait. There was a masquerade if I lied about my name.
> Spidey: Demosthenes Drake, winner of the Nobel Prize in biology?
> Draco: At your service!
> Spidey: But he was reported lost during an expedition down the
> Amazon years ago!
> Draco: Simply a cover story for my greatest experiment...
Servo: (Draco) I had to bribe a reporter with a lot of money to write my obituary.
> Spidey: Don't tell me you allowed yourself to be bitten by a
> radioactive dragon, like I was bitten by a spider!...
Mike: So much for his -secret- origin.
> Draco: -You- my friend are nothing but a freak, a mutation by
> accident...-Draco- is the triumphant result of the deliberate
> introduction of the genes of a giant species of iguana into the
> bloodstream of a human...
> Spidey: Transforming gentle little Demosthenes Drake into a huge
> fire-eating dragon that walks like a man!
Mike: So, if a human gets the blood of an iguana, they become a dragon?
Crow: (alien robot) If a human bites your neck and sucks out your transmission fluid, do you become a human?
Servo: (Bender from "Futurama") Yeah, why not?
> Draco: And now once and for all we shall test Darwin's law of
> the survival of the fittest!
> (Draco fires flames but Spider-Man escapes again)
> Spidey: Pretty sneaky, Draco-but you missed again!......your aim
> hasn't improved, and neither has your breath, ya oughta try
> -Fresh-, the mouthwash for droopy dragons!
Mike: Fresh, the mentos maker.
> Draco: Your infantile wit will not save you, Spiderman...now for
> the first time you will feel the -full- power of the king of
> dragons!
Servo: (Draco) Prepare to hear me...yodel!
> (Draco shoots fire from his mouth, hands, and feet. Spidey
> dodges again)
Mike: (Draco) Wait, I can't support my balance like this! I'm slipping...YAAAH!
> Spidey: Wow he shot flames from both hands and feet -and- his
> mouth...didn't expect that...
> (poisonous fumes from out of nowhere overcome Spidey)
> Spidey:..uh, oh...poisonous fumes...got me...nearly
> paralyzed...I can hardly move!
> (Spidey collapses)
Servo: (Draco) Wow, the writer is on my side.
> Draco: Ha, I've got you! And now I'm going to enjoy tearing you
> limb to limb!!
> Spidey: He's coming at me full speed...if he hits me, I'm a goner!
> Draco: NOW DIE, SPIDERMAN!
Servo: (Spidey) NO! DON'T WANNA!
> Spidey: GOTTA move NOW! OOMPH!
> (Spidey moves just as the charging Draco misses him and falls
> off the building)
> Draco: AHHHHH
Mike: So, he's sighing to his doom?
Crow: Hey Draco, use your wings! Are they just there for decoration?
> Spidey: He went over the edge...hit that roof 20 floors below!
> Gotta look down and look at him close up...my head's clearing
> now. Fumes wearing off...Well, I'll be...there's nothing
> left...not a thing! Wait a minute...what's that? I don't
> believe it! An iguana, a tiny iguana...crawling away...just
> disappeared down that hole in the wall!
Servo: So, you inject yourself with the blood of a giant iguana, turn into a dragon, want to take over the world for some reason, and they you become a tiny iguana?
Mike: Even the Spider-Man cartoon had a science called "neogenetics" to explain things like that.
> What an inglorious end
> to the career of the great Demosthenes Drake! But what a great
> day for the world!
Servo: Hey, wait! What about the campers at the beginning! What happened to them, what did Draco want with them, and why did there just happen to be a meteor shower at the same time Draco showed up?
Mike: I guess we'll never know.
> THE END
(Everyone returns to the bridge)
Servo: Woah! That was a piece of inconsistency!
Mike: Well, at least it was written for kids so we didn't have to worry about continuity or violence.
Crow: Yeah, but this thing needed some more story structure to save it.
(the Mads light flashes)
MIke: Ah, let's ask the Mads.
(taps it)
(D13, Dr. F and Frank have a device that looks like Draco's Hydro-magnetic energy deactivator)
Dr. F: Ah, Mike. You're just in time. I think Draco had the right idea. I'm going to paralyze every energy source in Minnesota!
(SOL)
Mike: Uh, won't that paralyze you two as well?
(D13)
Frank: You know, he's right Clay.
Dr.F: (drops controller) I guess. Oh, well. I guess I'll just settle with your next two stories. Next time, prepare yourself for..."The Balloon People!" Push the button Frank.
WOOOSH!
> Peter: (thinking) Dragon-Men! Oh boy! I never did go for all that space creature jive