Disclaimer: Amanda, Kitty, Nightcrawler, and all of Excalibur's
components unfortunately belong to Marvel. If they belonged to the KFFL,
we wouldn't allow them to be mistreated and humiliated this way. Crow,
Mike, Tom, Gypsy, and MST3K gang belong to Best Brains. This story is
mine. Mail comments to MKEW72C@prodigy.com.
Thanks to Kielle and Tapestry for writing such wonderful MST3K's
and giving me a sort of example to follow and, of course, to the KFFL.
Without their permission to shamelessly pirate their comments, this
would be a lot less funny than it really is.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
(Typical shot of the Satellite of Love's helm room. Average
looking guy with sandy brown hair walks into the shot)
Mike: Hi, everyone. I'm Mike Nelson, and these are my friends Tom
Servo and Crow T. Robot.
(a talking gumball machine on mini-rocket boosters and a
bronze-ish, vaguely bird-looking thing pop up from behind the
communications console)
Tom: Hi.
Crow: Yo.
Tom: Now, Mike, what is this I hear about a guest-star on the
Satellite of Love, hmmmmm? You realize of course that we're
floating out in the middle of space, hopelessly lost, all the
while being pursued by Pearl Forrester, a woman who will, in all
likelihood, never die, because there isn't a deity in any
religion known to higher primates that would give her immortal
soul safe passage into the afterlife.
Crow: I hear she actually stiffed Charon on fare.
Tom: Yeah, that too. Throw in the fact that our only reason for
existence is to flame movies that should have been smothered at
birth, and you start counting down the minutes until we crash
into a passing asteroid and end it all. Anyway, my
point is, who could possibly live a life so pointless and
miserable that this situation would be a preferable alternative?
Crow: And Macaulay Calkin doesn't count.
Mike (buffing nails on his jumpsuit): Well, it wasn't easy. It
took a lot of searching on my part, but I managed to find
someone.
Gypsy (off camera): What was that? WHO managed to find someone?
Mike: OK, so Gypsy managed to find someone.
Crow: Well? Who?
Mike: I dunno, actually. I hear she works in comics. Amanda
Sefton... Szardos... something like that.
(stunned silence)
Tom: Amanda Sefton? Blonde? Sorceress? Stewardess? Uberbabe?!
Mike: Yeah, that's it. Sounds nice, doesn't she?
Crow: Mike, Mike, Mike. How long has it been since there was an
actual woman on the good ol' SOL?
Mike: Well, not too long. Ms. Forrester...
Crow: I repeat: how long has it been since there was an ACTUAL
WOMAN on the good ol' SOL?
Tom: Crow's got a point. Those raging hormones have been deprived
for a while now, Mikey.
Mike: Oh, really funny guys. I hate to disappoint you, but man is
a rational animal and I have complete control over my body...
(Gypsy, a purple dust-buster equipped with a headlight and lips
made of white innertubes perched on a length of black tubing,
wheels in a full frontal view of Amanda in spandex)
Crow: HOT JUMPIN' HEEBLIE JEEBIES!
Tom: Hey, not bad.
Mike: No... blood... in... brain..
Tom: Jeez, Mike!
Crow: Aw, don't sweat it. A dose of cold water'll fix him right
up. (Crow walks out of the scene)
Mike: Uhhhhhhh...
Tom: Crow, I think he's pretty far gone for that old chestnut to
work.
(Crow walks back into camera range with a bucket)
Crow: Not to worry, my good Servo. I've had this pumped in
straight from Antarctica!
(without further ado, Crow pours the entire contents of the
bucket down the front of Mike's outfit)
Mike: IIIIIIIIIIIEEEE! AARRRRGH! *pant* *pant* What was that
for?!
Tom: Trust us Mike, the alternative would not have been pretty.
(shoves the picture of Amanda off-screen)
Mike: Er... OK.
Gypsy: Incoming!
(Kitty Pryde, possessed of extremely large boobs and itty little head,
phases into the SOL, towing Amanda and a shackled Nightcrawler behind
her)
Kitty: We're, like, here, moon-bunny.
Amanda: For the love of God, Kitty! Snap out of it!
Mike: She's not... (notices that Kurt's mouth is being held shut
by the two rolls of duct-tape wrapped around his lower face)
What's going on?
Amanda: Bad writing and worse dialogue. I got them out just in
time. Kitty's mind is stuck in a bad '80's surfer-flick and I
just got Kurt here out of a horrible interrogation scene. I...
(breaks down and sobs on Mike's shoulder) I can't take this... I
just can't...
Mike: There, there.
(Amanda continues to vent as Crow and Gypsy try to get through
Kurt's leg-chains with a nail file)
Amanda: I want panel-time again. I want a good writer. (wails) I
WANT MY BOYFRIEND BACK!
Crow: And you can have him as soon as I find the blowtorch. Say,
that fur's not flammable, is it?
Gypsy: Get the hammer and pickax, just to be safe.
Crow: Right-o!
(Crow ducks out of camera view again)
Tom: Gosh, this is so sad and tragic and.. HEY! Don't touch that!
(Kitty phases her hand through the computer controlling the
artificial gravity)
Kitty: But, like, I just love neat-o computers! Tee-hee!
Gypsy: Oh dear...
(AG increases, pinning everyone to the floor and out of Cambot's
range of vision)
Amanda: SEE?! This is what comes of changing writers.
Tom: Bah, I say. This is what comes of cross-overs.
Amanda: Well, we wouldn't be doing the cross-over if we didn't
need someplace to hide from the writer! Oops...
Mike: I feel so... so used.
Kitty: Ohhh... Amanda? Kurt? What happened? Why do I have a lump
on my head? GAH! Who stuffed the tissues down my shirt?
Amanda: Actually, it was your brain. (sigh) I'll explain when I can move
a little more.
Tom: Could someone please fix this before my head implodes?
Kitty: Just let me phase.
(Kitty, back to normal proportions, stands up, goes over to the terminal
that she just wrecked, and has the entire thing fixed in five seconds
flat. The inhabitants of the SOL get to their feet, sighing in relief.)
Mike: Wow, that was painful.
(Amanda wanders off-side)
Amanda: That reminds me. Brace yourself, Fuzzy. This is going to
sting.
*RIIIIIIIIIP!*
(High-pitched male scream)
Tom: And what have we learned from this painful scene, Mike?
Mike: Ummm... if you have facial fur, remove duct-tape with
utmost care?
Tom: What else?
Mike: It takes approximately two rolls of duct-tape to remove a
goatee.
Tom: Good boy.
(Tom hands Mike a bone-shaped cookie. Mike munches away happily)
Kitty (off-sides): You could have let me phase him out of that,
Amanda.
Amanda: Ooops...
Kurt (sarcastically): Thank you ever so much, liebchen. Katzchen,
I'll take you up on that offer.
(Clanking of chains is heard. Amanda, Kitty, and Kurt wander back
into Cambot's view)
Kurt: Where is that verruckt roboter, that Crow? 'Flammable fur.'
Bah!
Amanda: Kurt, you're doing it again.
Kurt: Vas?
Amanda: Was, not vas. And you're talking like Colossus.
Kurt: Sorry. But where is he?
Tom (pointing): He went thataway.
Kurt: Danke.
(Kurt teleports away with his customary BAMF.)
Amanda: *sigh* Maybe I did get them away too late.
Kitty: Ok, so we're safe for now. What do we do here?
Mike: Well, mostly we watch horrible movies and try to keep our
sanity.
Kitty: Doesn't sound so bad. Pop 'Waterworld' in the VCR and
let's roast.
(Mike and Tom look at each other and shake their heads sadly)
Tom: We'll never see something that good up here.
Amanda & Kitty: *GASP!*
Kitty: Sefton, you are SO dead! Kurt will never find your body!
Amanda: I didn't know!
(Kurt teleports back, dropping a bisected Crow to the floor)
Kurt (sheathing his sword): I feel cleansed. Now, what are we
doing here?
Mike: As a special treat, we're going to roast the comic book
issue you three are currently skipping out on.
Amanda, Kitty, & Kurt: *GASP!*
Crow 1/2 #1 & #2: Is someone hyperventilating up there?
Amanda: You mean...
Kitty: ...we get to roast Raab...
Kurt: ...without fear of being retconned into oblivion?
Mike: Um... pretty much.
(Both females give Mike a thorough cheek-kissing while Kurt
shakes his hand enthusiastically)
Amanda and Kitty: THANKYOUTHANKYOUTHANKYOU!
Mike: Aw, shucks.
(In the background, Tom and both halves of Crow make vomiting
noises)
Kitty: C'mon, let's go!
(All three members of Excalibur run towards the theater)
Tom: Poor, simple souls. They know not what they do.
Crow 1/2 #1: You know, there really is no reason that all of us
should suffer.
Crow 1/2 #2: And there are only five seats in the theater...
Mike: Oh, there are not!
Crow 1/2 #2: Mike, look outside and tell me...
Crow 1/2 #1: And me!
Crow 1/2 #2: ...what you see.
Mike: Let's see... I see a lot of stars, a comet, there's a
pretty green planet over there, a few seats for our theater...
CROW! And... Crow.
Crow 1/2 #1 & #2: What?
Mike: Now what are we going to do?
Tom: Well, that seems pretty clear. Mike and I are going to
suffer through yet another session of brain-cell homicide. Crow,
both of you are going to go space-walking and retrieve those
seats.
Crow 1/2 #1: But those were jettisoned a few miles back.
Tom: Well then, you've got your work cut out for you.
Mike: See ya, Crow. And... Crow.
(Mike and Tom head towards the theater, humming a death-dirge)
Crow 1/2 #1: But-but... Awwwwww!
Crow 1/2 #2: Aw, don't sweat it. We can have this cleaned up in
no time.
******
(door/countdown sequence)
(Mike, carrying Tom, walks into the theater and takes the seat to
the extreme right)
Kurt: What kept you?
Amanda & Kitty: SHHHHHHHH!
Kitty: The comic's starting.
Tom: And you're under the impression that this is a good thing?
*******
(Cover to Excalibur #113 comes up on screen.)
Cover banner: The World's Greatest Comics!
******
Kitty: False advertising! I say we sue.
Tom: And in Marvel's current fiscal condition, that will net you
how much? $.50?
Kurt: Ja, if we're lucky, we'll be able to buy you that postage
stamp you've had your eye on.
******
Cover banner cont.: EXCALIBUR!
******
Amanda: Say it ain't so!
******
Cover banner cont.: Raab
Woods
Koblish
******
All (throwing popcorn at the screen): BOOOO! HISSSS!
Mike(making a cross with his fingers): Back! Back I say! Fetch
the stake!
Kurt (sub-zero tones): Excuse me?
Amanda: He doesn't read comics, hon. Give him a break.
Tom: How come we never get popcorn, Mike?
******
Cover banner cont.: featuring: High the Evolutionary
******
Tom: A typo on the front cover! Marvel is really letting
themselves go.
Mike: Maybe the evolutionary is named High.
Kitty: Actually, it's supposed to be the High Evolutionary.
Tom: Damn. And here I thought we were getting an original
character.
Amanda: You really have been out in space a while, haven't you?
******
(Cover pic of Colossus and Meggan apparently running towards the reader.
A ram-like humanoid and a lizard-like humanoid stand in the back ground.
Meggan has one arm flung out behind her, and the other over her chest.)
******
Amanda (as Meggan): Piotr, I said no!
Kitty (as Colossus): Just ten minutes is all I ask! Five! By the
White Wolf, Meggan, I have not been laid since Siege Perilous!
Tom & Mike (as the uglies behind): That's sexual harassment, and
she doesn't have to take it!
Kurt: It would explain Piotr's urgency to get Herr Wisdom out of
the way in #92, however.
******
Cover banner cont.: Colossus and Meggan-- CORNERED IN WUNDAGORE!
******
Kitty (dully): Oooo.
Amanda (yawning): Spooky.
Kurt (monotone): Truly frightening.
Tom: I don't know about you guys, but I nearly peed myself. That
has to be the scariest thing I've heard all year.
Mike: Well, onto page one!
Kurt: Afraid not, mein fruend. Marvel is doing gateway covers
now.
Mike: *sigh*
******
Gateway cover: Meet Excalibur.
******
Tom: But I don't have a thing to wear!
******
Gateway cover cont.: United to preserve the dream of Professor Charles
Xavier, they have sought to extend the message of the X-Men beyond the
shores of America.
******
Amanda: 'Cuz, you see, they don't have television in the rest of the
world, so we have to go door to door telling Europeans about how neat it
is to watch Jean Grey die and resurrect.
Kitty: And die.
Tom: And resurrect.
******
Gateway cover cont.: Operating out of their headquarters on Muir Island
in Scotland, they've sworn to defend mutantkind from a world that both
fears and hates them,
*****
Kurt: 1,000,052.
Mike: Huh?
Kitty: We have a running count of how many times we've seen that
wonderful line used in the X-titles.
Tom: You know, if I recall the Marvel time-line correctly, I think
Excalibur has OCCASIONALLY defended non-mutantkind from aliens and
criminals and super-villains and black magicians and even natural
disasters.
Amanda: Well, according to the powers-that-be, that doesn't really count
as a worthwhile goal. Besides, if we'd just let all those pesky
nonmutant humans get killed off, there wouldn't be anyone left to fear
and hate mutantkind and Marvel would have to shut down for lack of angst.
Kitty: And the entire Summers clan would die out over-night.
******
Gateway cover cont.: for they are...
*******
All: BRAIN-DAMAGED!
******
Gateway cover cont.: EXCALIBUR! (x in a circle logo)
******
Kitty: Really? We never would have figured that out!
Mike: Hey, what is that?
Kurt: What is what?
Mike: That little logo.
Amanda: Butt tattoo. Everyone on the X-teams has one. It's sort of
like a brand to keep the X-people from running away and mingling
with all the common mutants out there. Why do you think I never
officially joined? I'm a woman of fair skin and delicate hiney.
Tom: I thought it was something they had to wear over their hearts to
provide targeting information.
Kitty: Then why does Cyclops wear his directly above his crotch?
******
Gateway cover cont.: NIGHTCRAWLER
Nightcrawler: Born with the ability to teleport
short distances, stick to walls and ceilings, and turn virtually
invisible in deep shadows...
******
Mike (grumbling): The third Spider-clone.
Kitty: No fair! How come you get THREE mutant powers?
Tom: Four if you count the fur.
Kurt (grinning, leaning back in his seat): Cockrum rules.
******
Gateway cover cont.: ...the German-born Kurt Wagner is...
******
Amanda: One hell of a lay, especially with that tail.
Kurt (blushing): Amanda!
Amanda: Well, you weren't gonna say it.
Tom: And here I was starting to miss Crow.
******
Gateway cover cont.: the blue-skinned leader of Excalibur.
******
Mike: Has anyone actually shaved him down to see if he's really blue-
skinned.
Amanda: TRUST me. He's blue all over.
Kitty: I think we've just set a record for sexual innuendoes in a fan-
fic.
******
SHADOWCAT
American-born Kitty Pryde has the mutant ability to...
******
Kitty: ...realize when her intelligence is being insulted and tender her
resignation, and would have, except for that damn
copyright thing.
******
Gateway cover cont.: ...turn intangible and walk on air with but a
thought. Trained in the way of the Samurai and the ninja, Shadowcat's
physical prowess is...
******
Kitty: ...greatly appreciated "I'm the best at what I do" Logan AND by
Pete Wisdom, NOT... I repeat NOT... by his Raab-generated clone.
******
Gateway cover cont.: ...balanced by her brilliant mind and her formal X-
Men training.
******
Kitty: Ah, yes. My fond memories of life as an X-Man.
Lesson #1: Wanton destruction of property. Never pay or apologize like
normal humans.
Lesson #2: Angst, angst and more angst. Why? "Because we're hated and
feared by everyone."
Lesson #3: Whose relative are you? If all else fails, you belong to the
Summers family tree. Or is it a forest?)
Lesson #4: Learn the fine art of dying... over and over and over again.
Lesson #5: Use minimal spandex and no other material in your costume
design and how to function without any bloodflow because of such.
******
COLOSSUS
The Russian mutant born Piotr Rasputin...
******
Tom: ... but recently dubbed Tinfoil-lad...
******
Gateway cover: ...is the powerhouse of Excalibur.
******
Kurt: Just don't let Meggan and Brian hear about that...
******
Gateway cover: His artistic heart is masked by his cold, hard exterior,
as Colossus has the ability to transform his flesh and blood...
******
Mike: His blood actually transforms to steel?
Tom: It would explain why there's no oxygen getting to his tiny little
brain.
******
Gateway cover: ...into a form of impervious organic steel!
******
(Kitty leaps up and points at the screen)
Kitty: LIAR!
All others: Huh?
Kitty: He's not invulnerable in steel-form. I'll show you.
(She phases out and comes back a minute later with Colossus)
Colossus: Shto?
Kitty: Shut up. (hands him a beaker) Here, pour this over your
head.
(The trusting fool does so)
Colosssus: AAAAAAGGGGGHHHH!
Kitty: See? His organic steel form is susceptible to highly
corrosive acid.
(All watch as Colossus melts into a puddle on the floor)
Mike: Oh, great. Now the floor's all sticky.
Kitty: I'll clean up later.
******
Gateway cover cont.: WOLFSBANE
Rahne Sinclair is the youngest member of Excalibur,
******
Mike: But.. but... wasn't she fourteen when Moira adopted her? And
wasn't Kitty thirteen when she joined the X-men about a month before?!
Kitty: Mike doesn't understand retconning does he?
Tom: The poor lad thinks that established facts stay as such and that
the timeline isn't prone to tampering. I find his naivete rather...
well... pathetic.
******
Gateway cover cont.: ...but her mutant ability to transform from a shy
young woman to a human/wolf hybrid and to a complete wolf makes her a
force to be reckoned with!
******
Tom: And a great stunt-double for Lassie.
******
Gateway cover cont.: MEGGAN
Linked to the elemental forces of Great Britain as a faerie,
the enigmatic, but naive Meggan has...
******
Mike: Unlike the enigmatic, but naive, Meggan...
Kurt: ... who has yet to discover that double-D sized chest is just not
very aerodynamic.
Amanda: And just how do you know her bra-size?
Kurt: Er... I saw it in the laundry?
Amanda: Those who go around hiding salami in their costumes should not
throw stones, Elfy.
******
Gateway cover cont.: ...the ability to change her physical form at will,
as well as the power to shape the very forces of nature to fit her needs.
******
Amanda (sulking): Unless the team leaves Europe, at which point
she simply becomes eye candy.
Kitty: Now, now. Let's not be bitter.
******
Gateway cover cont.: PETE WISDOM
******
All: The Pod-Person!
******
Gateway cover cont.: A former intelligence operative...
******
Tom: And formerly interesting character.
Kitty: And formerly intelligent enough to stay out of the X-angsting...
******
Gateway cover cont.: ...with the ability to generate "hot-knives."
******
(silence)
Amanda: Is that all?
Kurt: After all of the rambling they did with the other powers,
it is a surprise that they would not take greater pains to
explain this one.
Mike: What is a "hot-knife" exactly?
Tom: Any knife that you stick into an electrical outlet.
Mike: Is that really a mutant power?
Kitty (to no one in particular): Raab does not like Pete, even the
clone/pod-person that he's writing in his stead. Rotten, friggin',
sawed-off, upstart, pisshead wanker.
Amanda: Now who's being bitter?
******
Gateway cover cont.: Boyfriend to Kitty Pryde, he remains a reluctant
member of Excalibur.
******
Kitty: Because he can't get out of the copyright binding either!
******
Gateway cover cont.: Previously in...
******
Tom: Earplugs everyone!
******
Gateway cover cont.: EXCALIBUR!
******
All: Owwwwwww!
******
Gateway cover cont.: A bomb detonated in the cockpit of the plane that
Colossus and Meggan were using to fly back to Muir Island.
******
Amanda: That's the story anyway. Actually, the combination of five
burritos and a thermos of Moira's coffee proved to be a little more than
volatile than Colossus' system could handle. Kitty: Wooooo! Light a
match!
******
Gateway cover cont.: The craft crashed in the snow-covered terrain of
the Swiss Alps. Surviving the crash-landing
******
Kurt: Insert comma.
******
Colossus carried the injured and quite delirious...
******
Tom: As opposed to the clueless and quite delusional...
******
Gateway cover cont.: Meggan through miles of frozen trails which
eventually led to the mysterious tower of Wundagore. Meanwhile
******
Kurt: Insert comma.
*****
Gateway cover cont.: Nightcrawler and Pete Wisdom discovered the wonders
of Kassel, Germany's night life
******
Kurt: Insert comma.
******
Gateway cover cont.: ...as they searched for Peckman, a woman from
Wisdom's past before his Black Air days.
******
Kitty: ...on the playground.
Kurt: Wasn't it "Peckham" last time we heard of this mystery
woman?
Amanda: And wasn't Peckham a *place*?
All Excalians: *sigh* Why us?
******
Gateway cover cont.: Unfortunately
******
Kurt: Insert comma.
Mike: They really do need a beta-reader for this.
******
Gateway cover cont.: ...she ambushed them unexpectedly.
******
Kurt: Yes, I'm afraid we had gotten far too used to those
expected ambushes.
Mike: OK, *now* we go to page one.
Tom: Yes, Mike, now we go to the first page.
(Excalians hum "Taps")
******
Voice-over box: Dawn on Muir Island-
******
Tom (a la Orson Wells): Every summer, the blue-footed boobies come here
to spawn.
******
Voice-over box cont.: -the world's foremost center for genetic research...
******
Kitty: Until the jealous rage from being second best drives Beast and Mr.
Sinister into rabid frenzies and they combine forces to napalm it to
the ground.
******
Voice-over box cont.: ... and home to that international team of heroes,
Excalibur.
******
Mike: Didn't they say that already in the fold-out cover? Amanda: But
why say it once when you can say it twice?
******
(Moira and Rahne hugging on a dock)
Rahne: I'll go if'n ye say so, Mummy.
Moira: Och...
******
Kurt: Ach?
Kitty: Oooch?
Tom: Nanoo, nanoo?
******
Moira: ...dinnae be such a sapsy bairn. Go see yuir friends. Have a good
time at yuir "New Mutants Convention."
******
Kitty: Don't be such a sticky baby?
Amanda: <gasp! choke! Wheeze!>
Kurt: Relax, liebchen. Deep breaths. In. Out. In. Out.
Mike: What's with her?
Kurt: Raab had a chance to plug his little... project and didn't
take it. The shock sent her into respiratory arrest.
Tom: She choked.
Mike: Oh.
******
Rahne: But if your condition gets worse...?
******
Amanda: Of course, there's been no visible deterioration within the past
thirty-odd issues, but let's all start worrying about it now.
******
Moira: Don't ye go frettin' about me.
******
Tom: After all, we aren't!
******
Moira: Sure'n I'll miss ye lots...
******
Kitty (as Moira): SURE I will, Rahney. Honest.
Amanda: Hey, why's the comic stopping?
Kurt: More credits.
******
Credits: Stan Lee presents...
******
Mike: I've heard of him! What does he do on this comic? Art?
Kurt: No.
Mike: Writing?
Kitty: Well, no.
Tom: His name just kind of goes on most of Marvel's books as a
sadly misplaced symbol of respect.
Amanda: One wonders if he knows what horrors are being perpetrated in
his name.
Kurt: Ignorance is no excuse.
******
Credits: FAITH
******
All: "'Cuz I gotta have faith... I gotta have faith. I gotta have faith-
a, faith-a, faith. I gotta have faith-a, faith-a, faith. Bay-bay!"
******
Credits cont.: Ben Raab
Story
******
Amanda: Where?
Mike: Look harder, I'm sure it's there someplace.
******
Credits cont.: Pete Woods
Pencils
Scott Koblish
Inks
Richard Starkings & Comicraft/KS
Letters
******
Kitty: So he's the one who we have to blame for those spineless
replies in the letters column?
Kurt: Nein, I think that's coming up next.
******
Credits cont.: Matt Idelson & Kelly Corvese
Editors
******
Kurt: Maybe they're just trying not to upset anyone in the
letters column...
Kitty: I'm upset. Is it too much to ask for a straight answer?
Kurt: Ah, but that would be telling!
(sound of a portion of a bad crew-cut being ripped out by the
roots)
(muffled male yelp)
Amanda: Guess she's immune to your charms, lover.
******
Credits cont.: Bob Harras
Chief
******
Kurt: Chief Ignorer of All Previous Continuity
Amanda: Chief of the Hackneyed Plot-Line
Kitty: Chief of Wrecker of Good Relationships
Tom: Chief of the Pointless Cross Over
Mike: Chief... um... Poophead?
Kitty: It's the effort that counts, Mike. Back to the comic.
All: New panel!
******
(next page, first panel, Rahne and Moira facing each other. Ya get a
good look at the
back of Moira's head)
Rahne: Now who's bein' "sapsy"...?
******
Mike: Duh... Moira?
******
Rahne cont.: It'll only be for a weekend, Lady Moira. I'll be nashin'
home real soon...
******
Tom: "Nashin'"? What is this "nashin'"?
******
Moira: Just watch yuirself, Rahne.
******
Kurt: Yes, Mrs. Doubtfire.
******
Moira cont.: There's nae tellin' what kind o' trouble that spaleen--
BASTION--is stirrin' up f'r mutant's stateside.
******
Tom: Dont'cha just love the way Moira talks? I mean listen to the
way she enunciates the word spleen. "Spa-leeeeeen." God, that
gives me chills!
Kitty: Shouldn't that be 'spalpeen?' And isn't that an Irish insult?
Tom: Look, I don't know what kind of weird alternate universe you
guys come from, but around here, writers just don't go around
messing up foreign accents! Trust me, she just called Bastion a
spleen.
******
(in a small panel, a pair of teeth under a gray mustache yell)
Misc. mouth: ALL ABOARD!
******
Kurt: And I quote "He should shoot his orthodontist."
******
(next panel, Rahne walking away from Moira)
Rahne: I'm a big girl now. I can take care o' muhself.
******
Amanda (as Rahne): Besides, I have muh teddy bear in muh duffel. Tom:
You know, that accent looks really cute written, but it's about as
attractive as feminine chest hair when spoken.
******
Moira: I-- I know, lass. Ye make me proud. Luv ye.
Rahne: An' I luv ye too, Mum. Lots.
******
Kitty: Smooches!
******
(next panel, face shot of Moira, who seems to be trying very hard not to
let her lower lip tremble)
Moira (thinking): Seems like just yesterday when I took ye in as muh own,
Rahne Sinclair.*
******
Amanda: Well, considering how Marvel time runs, it might have
been just last week.
Kitty: Tell me about it. If they had their way, I'd still be 13! Poor
Jubilee...
Kurt (who's been droning on for a while now): ...and Scott met and
married Maddie and her pregnancy went *awfully* quickly (but we blame
Sinister and the defective condoms for that) and then Jean came back and
he left her and the baby got kidnapped and Maddie died (and came back)
and Jean died (and came back) several times and Cable came back (has he
died yet?) and it's just been a normal week in the life of the X-men.
Got it?
(Mike breaks down in tears)
******
(*Editor's plug: As seen waaaay back in the New Mutants Graphic Novel.
Continuity Corvese.)
******
Tom: *sniff* Oh, for the days when continuity was more than an empty
word...
******
Moira cont.: Now yuir muh only family. An' I want to spend as much time
wi' ye as possible. But thanks tae the bloody LEGACY VIRUS--
******
Mike: Don't you just love how the sudden boldface distracts from
the actual dialogue?
Kitty: Considering the quality of said dialogue, yes!
******
Moira cont.: --I'm nae sure I got much time left.
******
Kitty: So she spends it all in the lab and leaves Rahne to take care of
all the housework all by her little wolfen self.
Tom: I'm sure the tail comes in handy as a whisk-broom.
******
(next panel, silhouette of Moira. Everything except her glasses and a
few tears are blacked in)
Moira (thinking): I pray I'll still be here when ye return.
******
Kurt: So she may not cancel that trip to Barbados after all?
******
(next page, first panel, Rahne standing on the ramp of some ship)
******
Rahne (thinking): Stiff upper lip, girl. Lady Moira'll find a cure tae
this disease wot's killin' her. But if--heaven forbid-- she can't...
******
Tom (as Rahne): ...then I inherit the island that much quicker.
******
Rahne cont.: ...I know the good lord's gaunnae...
******
Kitty: Gonna?
Tom: Guano?
Mike: Granola?
******
Rahne cont.: ...hear muh prayers and save her. I have FAITH...
******
Amanda: ...that all of us will be unemployed or shipped off to another X
-title by this time next year.
******
(next panel, Douglock running up the docks)
Douglock: Raaahne!
******
Tom (singing): "...feel it on my fingertips, hear it on the window pane..."
******
Douglock cont.: Wait up! You forgot this!
******
Kurt: Her common sense?
******
(next panel, Doug facing Rahne, holding up her diary. Nice view of the
back of Rahne's head)
Rahne: Thanks, Douglock. Hey! Wait a sec--!
******
Kurt: My mistake. She forgot her accent.
******
Rahne cont.: Ye're nae usin' yuir image inducer!
******
All: *GASP!* NO! Really?
******
Rahne cont.: Aint'cha worried about people seein' yuir true form?
******
Tom: Yeah, Elephant Man Jr., what do you have to say to that?
******
Douglock: Not anymore. And I owe it all to you!
******
Kitty (as a Richard Simmons-esque Douglock): I lost an original
personality in just ten issues! Thanks, Ben Raab!
******
(next panel, face-shot of Douglock)
Douglock: You taught me not to be afraid of what I am on the outside.
That what's inside is all that matters.
******
Kitty: Unless you're a Phalanx constructed Doug Ramsey look-alike who
can't touch anyone except mutants, or you'll transform them into a
techno-organic life-form. Then it is what's on the outside...
specifically on the epidermis... that matters.
Mike: We are the Borg...
Kitty: Wrong universe.
******
(next panel, Doug and Rahne hugging)
Douglock: You taught me to have faith in myself.
******
Amanda: I know I haven't been around lately, but just when did
all of this happen?
Tom: Hey, if Ben says it happened, it happened.
(Kitty smacks Tom)
Kitty: Do you want me to phase through your brain?
******
Rahne: Dougie-- that's the nicest, sweetest thing anyone's e'er said tae
me!
******
Tom: Man, have you had a lousy life!
******
Rahne: Och--sniff-- ye're gauna make me cry!
******
Kitty: Oh,(hurk!), you're gonna make me puke!
Amanda: I was looking forward to seeing him use the word
"gaunnae" again, too.
******
Rahne cont.: F'r the record, I think ye're just beautiful! Inside and
out!
(next panel, Rahne lunges towards Douglock)
Rahne: I'm gauna miss ye, boyo. (kisses Douglock) MMMWAA!
******
All: NO! NO! ARRRRGH!
Kurt: <sigh> We should have seen it coming. Two unattached people
on the same team... it was inevitable.
Mike: 'Boyo?' Are Moira and Rahne Irish now?
Tom (ignoring Mike): Well, at least they're of different genders. Look
at what almost happened with Shatterstar and Ric...
******
(next panel, Rahne and Douglock kissing)
Douglock: I'm gonna miss you too, Rahne.
******
Kitty: How can they talk when they're joined at the tongue?
******
Both: ...mmMMMmm...
(another panel of kissing)
Both: ...mmMMMmm...?
******
Amanda: This is intermission, right?
******
(next panel, Rahne and Douglock facing each other. Nice view of the back
of Douglock's head)
******
Mike: Is it just me, or does this guy really hate doing profiles?
******
Rahne: Oh...
Douglock: ...my...
Rahne: ...God.
******
Tom: Three Hail Mary's for taking the Lord's name in vain and a
hysterectomy for that kiss. Next sinner!
******
Douglock: Um...Er...Uhhhh...
Rahne: I... Uh... Er... Ummmm. I--I've got tae go!
******
Kitty: Should have taken care of that before you left home.
Amanda: Just go to wolf-form and lift a leg on something.
Tom: Or someone.
Kurt: Preferably a certain writer.
******
(next panel, Rahne's feet walking away from Douglock)
Douglock: Uhhhh, yeah... bye.
Voice Over Box: It's amazing what can happen in an instant.
******
Kurt: For example, in one instant you can lose your respect for a writer,
two characters, a company, and your lunch.
******
Voice Over cont.: For the techno-organic boy known as Douglock...
(next panel, showing Rahne's face looking out of a porthole)
Voice Over cont.: ...and his mutant were-girlfriend-- Wolfsbane-- have
just discovered...
******
Tom: This guy has a severe phobia about commas, doesn't he?
Amanda: It's official. Every relationship on Muir Island has been
dismantled in the most humiliating way possible.
Kitty: What I want to know is when those two hooked up. And I'm not
talking about the tongue-weaving either.
******
(next panel, Douglock wiping his hand across his forehead)
******
Amanda: Techno-organic material sweats?
******
Voice over: ...sometimes a single kiss...
******
Kurt: Or an angst-loving writer...
******
Voice over cont.: ...is all it takes to change a friendship forever.
Douglock (thinking): I can't believe I just did that! I just couldn't
help it! Being that CLOSE to her did SOMETHING to me!
******
Mike: Is he pleading insanity?
Tom: Hey, it worked for Tinfoil-lad.
******
(next panel, a dejected Douglock walking away from the dock as Rahne's
ship sails into the distance. There's a seagull sitting on crates off to
the side)
******
All: Awwwww...
Kurt: Even the birdie looks depressed.
******
Douglock: My olfactory receptors went wild when they registered the
scent of her hair. My tactile sensors went into overdrive when my oral
epidermal layer met hers. I never knew this was possible but--
******
Tom (as Douglock): I would rather draw unemployment monetary
compensation than work in this pulp-rag any longer.
******
Douglock cont.: -- I think I'm in love.
******
Kitty: And all over the world, Excalibur readers rise as one and run to
worship the porcelain idol.
******
Douglock cont.: Too bad Rahne probably hates me now...
******
Amanda: And as long as you're written as a cheap rip-off of Data, so
will we.
(theater goers get to their feet and exit. Door sequence plays in
reverse)
******
(All walk back into the helm, which is now lit in red light. Kitty looks
at the various gauges while Amanda tries to glue portions of Kurt's crew
-cut back on)
Kitty: Has anyone noticed how hot it is in here?
Tom: I just assumed that Mike left his electric blankie on
again...
Mike: Servo! I told you that in the strictest confidence. I may
never be able to trust you...
Tom: Yeah, yeah. Fine. But now that you mention it, it is kind of
stuffy. And where's Gypsy and Crow? And Crow?
(red button on the nearest panel flashes)
Mike: Hey, we've got an incoming message.
(Pearl Forrester's space-van comes on screen. Crow 1/2 #2 is in
the driver's seat, with Crow 1/2 #1, Gypsy, Pearl, and Bobo the
ape tied to the missing theater chairs in the back of the van)
Tom: Crow, what in the name of Mike Meyers are you doing over
there? And what have you done with Crow?
(Kitty looks at Kurt)
Kitty (whispering): Evil clone?
Kurt (nodding): Evil clone.
Amanda: (shakes head) No way. Five bucks says he's just flipped.
Crow 1/2 #2 (deep, echoing voice): Hear me, Joined Ones! I am not
the robot you once knew! My halving has liberated me to a level
of freedom and senselessness I would not have thought healthy! I
am no longer Crow T. Robot! I am... THE DARK CROW!
MWAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
Kitty: Damn!
Amanda: Five bucks. Fork it over.
Mike: OK... Crow. But what are you doing?
Dark Crow: I find this level of existence boring. I am going to
use this primitive, sensible space vehicle to tow your SOL into
the sun, and thereby become one with the rest of the fragmented
debris of the cosmos! MWAHAHAHAHAHA!
Mike: But you'll kill us all!
Dark Crow: Oh, who cares? I must be one with the cosmos!
MWAHAHAHAHA!
Mike: What can we do?
Tom: We have only one recourse. For the sake of all that is
sensible, Crow T. Robot must die!
Kitty: I thought Crow was your friend.
Tom: True, Shadowcat. Crow is my friend. I owe him my insomnia,
my ulcer, that dent in my butt... more than I can ever get him
back for. But, as Tom Servo, my first responsibility is to
myself. To ensure my safety-- to ensure the safety off all of my
possessions on the SOL-- Crow must be destroyed! Someone load the
Super-Soaker.
Shadowcat: Hold that thought...
(Shadowcat phases out of the SOL, and over into the rapidly
approaching space-van. Mike and the others watch on the screen)
Dark Crow: You dare defy the Dark Crow?! MWAHAHAHA!
Kitty: Basically, yeah.
Dark Crow: Hah! All who are sane must fall before the will of the
Dark Crow! (Dark Crow begins to sing Aqua's "The Barbie Song")
Kitty: Nooo... AGGGH!
(back on the SOL, everyone writhes in pain)
Dark Crow: "...I'm a blond bimbo girl in a fantasy world..."
Kneel before the Dark Crow and do the Marcarena! MWAHAHAHA!
Kitty: NEVER!
(Kitty reaches out and phases a hand through Crow)
Dark Crow: Oh, sheet... *BZZZZZZZT!*
(Kitty grabs the steering wheel and turns the space-van away from
the SOL. Canned cheering is heard. A few seconds later, Kitty
phases onto the SOL with Gypsy and both halves of Crow.)
Kitty: Tah-dah!
Dark Crow: YOU CAN'T DO THIS! MWAHAHAHAHA! I AM MIGHTY!
MWAHAHAHA! I AM ANNOYING! MWAHAHAHA!
Crow 1/2 #1 (chanting): All is calm... All is Ranma... All is
calm...
(Kitty snatches the glue from Amanda and quickly sticks Crow's
halves back together)
Kitty: Whew! There!
Crow: I AM... hey, what's going on?
Kurt: Am I the only one who feels like a fifth wheel?
Kitty: Face it, guys, I'm the brains of the team.
Mike: Crow, speak to me!
Crow: Why do I have this sudden urge to change my last name to
Pryor?
Mike: Well, it's very simple, actually... (Buzzer goes off) WE'VE
GOT COMIC SIGN!
(while Mike and the robots run around, the Excalians trudge off
the theater and steal the good seats. Tom winds up having to
share his seat with Crow)
******
(the snow covered tops of trees and a big golden tower in the
background)
Voice over box: Meanwhile, deep within a remote valley of the
Swiss Alps...
******
Crow: Little-old-lady-who!
******
Voice over cont. ...at the foot of the legendary mountain known to a
scarce few as Wundagore.
******
Mike: I thought that if something was a legend, it was pretty well known...
Kitty: Well, there'd be more who knew about it if not for that tasteful
and oh, so original "Onslaught" cross-over.
Kurt: Sarcasm becomes you, Katzchen.
******
Voice over cont.: Last night, a jet airliner exploded and crashed not
too far from this majestic site.
******
Tom: Get the feeling a certain comic book writer has watched "La Bamba"
one too many times?
******
Voice over cont.: Its unfortunate passengers..?
******
Amanda: Harrison Ford?
Mike: The Pope?
Tom: George Takei?
******
Voice over cont.: Piotr Nikolievitch Rasputin -- the armored mutant
known as Colossus...
******
Kitty: ...the under-achiever of the "All New, All Different" era...
******
Voice over cont.: ...and his elfin teammate-- Meggan the elemental.
Despite a raging blizzard, they trudged tirelessly from peak to frozen
peak searching for shelter.
******
Crow: Actually, it was the big guy doing most of the trudging. Meggan
just sort of rode along and said when to stop for pee breaks.
******
Voice over cont.: They failed.
******
Kurt: But since they're so tireless, that should not make much of
a difference.
******
(next panel, Colossus and Meggan splayed out in the snow with a hooded
figure standing in the background)
Voice over: And as a new day begins, our heroes' fierce struggle for
survival at last comes to a chilling end.
******
Kurt: Wunderbar!
Amanda: Woo woo woo!
Crow: Does that mean we can go now?
******
Voice over cont.: Or does it?
******
All: AWWWWWWWWWWWWWW!
Crow: The old bait-and-switch.
Kitty: Knew it was too good to be true.
******
Voice from off-sides: Tsk tsk tsk. Now's not the time to be lazing in
the snow, children.
******
Amanda: Aw, Mom... just five more minutes? I've got a good case
of frostbite going.
Mike: I'm still waiting for that mysterious figure in the
background to start talking.
******
(next panel, figure helping Colossus and Meggan to their feet)
******
Crow (as Colossus): That voice... almost bovine. Elsie, my love, have
you found me at last?
******
Figure: There's WAR on the horizon!
******
Kitty: Oh, joy. A war.
Tom: Can't ever have enough of that.
******
Meggan: Uhnn...
******
Kurt: Very good, Meggan. Now two...
******
Meggan cont.: Wh-who are you...?
Colossus: AAAh...
******
Crow (as Colossus): Geez, Elsie, don't touch me there! Mike: Bad Crow!
Don't corrupt the guest-stars!
******
Colossus cont.: Wh-what do you want?
(next panel, figure removes hood to show a cow's face)
Bova: The creator has named me BOVA.
******
Tom: He shoulda named you Butt-Ugly!
******
Bova cont.: And I want nothing more than to see you safely out of harm's
way before it's too late!
******
Amanda: She obviously hasn't seen what happens to good Samaritans
in the X-titles, has she?
Kitty: Think she'll be shot or just eaten by Meggan?
Tom: Actually, we're still pretty sure she ate Feron...
******
(next panel, Colossus and Meggan leaning on Bova for support)
Colossus: "Bova"..? Why is your name so familiar?
******
Kurt: Aside from the pathetically obvious nomenclature.
******
Bova: Long have I been a friend and ally to other costumed adventurers...
those known as the Avengers--
******
Mike: The whos? Never heard of 'em.
Kitty: This is the Marvel Universe, lady. Only mutants and
radioactive Spider-People are allowed renown here.
******
Bova cont.: --but that is of no import now.
******
Tom: Tell that to Thor! He was trying to pillage Manhattan over in
Looking-Glass world!
******
Bova cont.: This little one requires the creator's immediate
Medical attention!
Meggan: I-- I'll be fine thanks. Jus' need t'get on m'feet again.
******
Amanda: And wait f'r this d'rn Novocain t'wear off...
Crow: Is it just me, or does she look hung-over?
Kitty: It's Colossus' dull company and stupefying conversation having
that effect on her, poor thing.
******
(next panel, the ram-ugly from the cover is blocking their entrance into
Wundagore)
Ram: Ho there, Cow!
******
Mike: Was that a double insult?
Kitty: Hey, wait! You're leaving the mysterious off-panel speaker
behind!
Kurt: Well, that's gratitude for you.
******
Ram: T'ain't wise to be doling alms of succor to the wayward at an hour
so dire.
******
Kurt: And to all of you who don't speak accent-ese, allow me to
translate: It's a bad time to go looking for strays.
******
Bova: Oh, do let us pass, good Sir Ram. The girl is wounded.
******
Tom (as Sir Ram): And verily, so is my pride, for this dialogue be-ith a
pile of...
Mike: Shut up, Tom.
******
(next panel, Sir Ram has a weapon of sorts pointed at Colossus)
Sir Ram: And wounded she will stay! For by my horns--
******
Kurt: Insert comma after 'for' and 'horns'.
******
Sir Ram: --I recognize her cohort as one of the ENEMY!
******
Kitty: Which is more than I can say for certain blue-furred
team-leaders...
Kurt: I was intoxicated!
Amanda: Well, no one forced you to drink so much.
Kurt: Don't you start, Frau Can-Can!
******
Colossus: "Enemy"?
******
Mike (as Colossus as Scarlett O'Hara): L'il ol' me? Yoah enemy?
******
Colossus cont.: Comrade, please...
(next page, Colossus' hand in the foreground as he turns to
steel. Ram's face in the background)
Colossus: I've never SEEN you before.
******
Amanda: Oh, this is smart. To prove he's not their enemy, he gets
ready to beat the living crap out of the gatekeeper.
Kurt: Did I mention Peter flunked lesson #6? The one on how to introduce
yourself to strange beings in a nonthreatening manner?
******
Sir Ram: What's this? Your skinflesh becomes armor with a single thought?
******
Tom: Am I the only one that finds this comic repetitive? Crow: No,
actually, I just think it's redundant.
******
(next panel, Sir Ram charging forward and snapping his lance/ax off
against Colossus steel chest)
******
Kurt: Short tempered bunch, aren't they?
******
Sir Ram: Such trickery shan't spare you the wrath of a KNIGHT OF
WUNDAGORE! It is my life's charge to protect this sacred mountain from
all who would dare usurp its ancient mysteries.
******
Kitty (as Sir Ram): And the Creator has promised me a very large
noodle-lashing should I fail!
Mike: What kind of mysteries do you suppose they have in there?
Amanda: Oh, you know, the usual. Alien autopsies, who shot JFK, how do
they cram all that gram, who actually eats Cream of Artichoke soup...
******
(face shot of a snarling Sir Ram)
Sir Ram: And by the Creator--
******
Kurt: Who had enough imagination to build Wundagore, but not to buy a
book of baby-names.
******
Sir Ram cont.: --YOU SHALL NOT HAVE THEM!
******
Crow: GEEZ! OK, keep your rotten old mysteries! I'm going home!
******
(next panel, Colossus delivers a powerful blow to Sir Ram. Sound effect:
KROM)
******
Amanda: (sigh) And here we have the start of the obligatory fight
scene.
Kurt: A simple must in all better comics.
Kitty: Heck, who wants to spend all that time developing
characters anyway?
*******
Colossus (thinking): "Wundagore"... why do I KNOW that name?
*******
Crow: Because they just told you about it?
******
Colossus: Tovarish, I know not who you assume me to be-- (next page,
first panel, Colossus picking up Sir Ram) --but I am NOT your enemy.
******
Mike: That's right. He's only beating you up because he cares!
******
Sir Ram: LIAR! You are an Acolyte-- one of the vile Exodus's loathsome
brood.
******
Kurt: Yet another satisfied reader of the Magneto LS.
Kitty: Which, incidentally, on the first page showed a map on a computer
screen with the Atlantic ocean off the *west* coast of South America.
Tom: If you ask why there was such a blatant mistake made in a-- ahem--
reputable comic, they'll just say the transparency got put in backwards
or something.
Amanda: Remove the second "s" from Exodus.
******
(next panel, Colossus tossing Sir Ram around like a football) Colossus:
Hate to disappoint you, Sir Ram, but you have confused the man I am now
with the man I once was.
******
Amanda: Yes, he used to beat people up because he was jealous or had
head trauma. Now he's doing it to impress Meggan.
******
(next panel, Sir Ram lands on his ass in a snowbank with a FUMP)
Sir Ram: But you DID serve that hateful monster!
******
Crow: I know you did! You did, you did, you did!
******
Sir Ram cont.: I saw your image in the Creator's picture boxes!
******
Mike: Say it with us... T. V. T. V. TV.
******
(next panel, Colossus giving Sir Ram a hand out of the snow)
Colossus: As I said... that was past history.
******
Kitty: Since when does Raab care about that?!
******
Colossus cont.: I serve no man but myself now. But if Exodus threatens
the sanctity of your home as you say-- I would be honored to stand
beside you against him.
******
Amanda: Does this mean that yonder compulsive joiner will be
leaving the team (I hope, I hope, I hope)?
Kitty: Well, let's see... he was an X-Man. He lost his memory and
joined the world of modern art and Callisto. He got what passes
for his mind back and rejoined the X-Men. He left the X-Men again
and joined Magneto and the Acolytes. He eventually plummeted back
to Earth and bummed around with Callisto again. Then he joined
Excalibur. Now he's petitioning for acceptance into Wundagore. If
pattern holds true, he should stay there for three issues and
join X-Force.
Kurt: No such luck, I'm afraid. He'll just get to play toy
soldier for a bit.
******
Sir Ram: Your soul is as noble as your arm is strong, metal man.
******
Mike: Does anyone have an air-sickness bag?
Tom: Wait, wait, wait. He just beat the crap out of the sheep-guy
and now they're friends?
Kitty: Ah, the subtle workings of the mind of the Raab.
Mike: I'd really like that puke-bag now...
******
(next panel, Ram scratching Meggan on the head while Colossus stands in
the background and looks stupid)
******
Amanda: Shouldn't they save that scene so that wolf-girl can take
off someone's arm?
Tom: I wonder if her leg'll start twitching...
******
Sir Ram: You will be a great asset to our cause. But tell me-- what good
will this little minx do us in battle?
******
Kurt: Well, if she removed her costume the enemy would drown in
their own drool.
Tom: Heh...
Amanda: WHAT was that?
Kurt: Um... nothing?
Amanda: You have seen "Lysistrata", haven't you, Kurt?
Kurt: All right, all right! I'll make no more jokes about
elementals or their bra size.
Kitty (sarcastically): Think you can make that leash any shorter,
Amanda?
******
(next panel, front-view of Meggan's face and outspread hands. Her bottom
lip is roughly three times the size of her upper)
******
Kitty: I think Amanda was right about the Novocain.
******
Meggan: "What good"...? "WHAT GOOD"???
******
Tom: Battle stations, men! We have an elemental on the rag!
Kitty: Is it considered rude to kill the host of a show you're
guest-starring on?
Tom: YES!
Kurt: Actually, where we come from, it's mandatory for all major
cross-overs.
Kitty: Works for me.
(Kitty chases Tom Servo out of the movie theater)
******
Meggan cont.: I'll show you "What good" I can be-- you horn-headed, fur-
faced, macho-mannered--
******
Amanda: Offspring of Sasquatch and Darkchilde!
(Kitty enters the theater again. Tom follows, with a shoe now
phased into his fishbowl-like head)
Crow (whispering): Guys, is it just me, or are we being upstaged?
******
(next panel, Sir Ram rising into the air)
Meggan: --GOAT!!
(sound effect: WHOOOOOSH!)
(next panel, Sir Ram being lifted up into the air to hang from a
tower)
Sir Ram: Strewth! I am lofted on high by a windy gust where there
once was none, all because the girl wills it so?!
******
Kitty: Anyone else beginning to sense a pattern here?
Kurt: Oh, please. Allow me. The story starts. The characters crack weak
jokes in accents that are, at best, sporadic. Generic threat, usually
involving an explosion of some sort, pops up and everyone rushes off to
help. Battle ensues, in which Excalibur's team-members explain... or have
someone else explain... their powers repeatedly before eventually taking
out the threat. Someone becomes depressed or dies. Pod-Wisdom makes an ass
out of himself. The comic ends and it all happens again in 30 days.
Tom: You know, I'm starting to feel a lot better about my life.
******
(next panel, Sir Ram still hanging from the tower)
Sir Ram: Right. Like I said-- she ought to do just fine. Um...er...
would you mind helping me down?
******
Crow: It's time for everyone's favorite game, Find That Accent!
Kitty: Raab is under the impression that everyone in the world is
speaking with a false accent and reverts to their natural English
in times of great stress.
Kurt: Except Rory, who seems to revert to Australian for some reason.
******
(next page, first panel, side-view of a prestigious-looking
building)
Voice-over box: Kassel, Germany--
******
Crow (singing): Oh give me a home, where the sauerkraut roams, and
the bratwurst and the Neo-Nazis play...
(Amanda sends a rather large jolt of mystic energy Crow's way)
Kurt: Danke, liebchen.
Tom: Oh, how I love the smell of frying circuit boards in the
morning.
******
Voice-over cont.: The Documenta Art Archives. Every five years, the
modern art masterpieces stored within these hallowed walls are taken out
and put on public display.
******
Mike: And most of them come back in covered with baby boogers and
cigarette burns, but no one seems to notice the difference.
Amanda: Actually, it probably improves the aesthetic value of most pieces.
******
(next panel, Pete Wisdom, chained to a column inside of the Documenta,
with a video camera trained on him)
******
Kitty: What the frag...?! That wasn't in this month's script!!
Kurt: There was a last-minute re-write...
Mike: ...and, like you said, the writer REALLY doesn't like this
guy.
Kitty: You're no help. Amanda, I'll give you a dragon skin if you
bring me Raab's head on a platter!
Amanda (considering): Fresh or shed?
Kitty: Shed! I'm not going to skin Lockheed for you or Pete!
Amanda: Sorry. Shed skins aren't good for much except coffee...
Kurt: Not another word. I don't wish to be driven to seeking out
Moira's concoction on purpose!
******
Voice over cont.: Some works are bizarre... others absurd...
******
Kurt: Like this comic's existence...
******
Voice over cont.: But to the ever-critical eyes of "avant garde society"
they are all expressions of genius.
******
(collective snort from the audience)
******
Voice over cont.: Which begs the question "What about the art of
torture?" Does it not merit such praise when executed by a master whose
deftness in the ways of pain is conveyed through the agony of his
victim?
******
Tom: Anyone else get the feeling that this guy doesn't know what
the hell he's talking about?
Kurt: Ja, we've known that since last month.
Kitty & Amanda: You're JUST realizing that?!
*******
Voice over cont.: The "victim" of this particular piece might beg to
differ.
******
Crow: If he was conscious...
******
(next panel, Pete Wisdom wakes up)
Voice over: Then again, former spy, Pete Wisdom...
******
Kurt: Subtract comma.
Amanda: Enter coma.
Mike: And escape from it all.
******
Voice over cont.: ...never begs for anything. Not even his life.
******
Tom: His clone, however, whimpers, whines like a baby, and wets
himself in fear at the thought of physical pain.
Kitty (happily): That's right! This is just the pod-person.
Thanks for reminding me.
(Takes the shoe out of Tom's head in gratitude)
******
Pete: Uhh... where am I?
******
All (singing): "...we wish to welcome you to Munch-kin laaaaaand!"
Kitty: Ugh... that left a bad taste in my mouth.
******
(next panel, close-up of Pete's battered face)
Pete (thinking): Last thing I remember was gettin' lectured by
Nightcrawler about bein' a team player...
******
Kurt: And that was obviously a waste of breath.
******
Pete cont.: ...wait-- where IS Wagner..?
******
Mike: Sitting pretty on the SOL with half of his face-fur ripped off.
Kurt: Halt die Klappe, Herr Nelson. (grins at Amanda) Did I thank you
for getting me out of that awful scene?
Amanda: No, I don't think so.
Kurt: I've missed you, liebchen...
(they embrace and roll onto the floor)
Kitty: How... sweet.
Crow: Should I go get another bucket?
Mike: Just throw a blanket over them and let's get this over
with.
******
Pete (out loud): 'Crawler... you there?
(next panel, extreme close-up on Wisdom's eyes)
Off-panel: LOOKING FOR YOUR FRIEND? YOU WON'T FIND HIM HERE.
******
(Nightcrawler's head pops up)
Kurt: Was? I heard my name.
Amanda: Later...
(...and pulls him back down)
******
Pete: Nice vox filter, girl-- but ya can't fool me.
******
Crow (as the pod-Pete): I know that yer really just Kitty playing
out another one of her little fantasies. Are ya goin' t' wear the
heels this time?
Kitty: I have another shoe, and I'm not afraid to use it!
******
(next page, first panel, close up on Pete)
Off-sides: Yer hearing's as acute as ever ol' Codger.
******
Mike: Yet another missing comma.
Crow: Pete has a thing for younger women, doesn't he? Wait...
Kitty... I was just... ARRRRRRRGH!
Tom: Well, that'll leave a mark.
Mike: Alas, Crow... we knew him well.
Tom: Much better than we wanted to.
(Tom shoves Crow out of the chair and lets his inert body hit the
floor)
******
Pete: Then why not step into the light so I can get a better look
at'cha?
Off-sides: Cor, Pete-- I'm insulted!
******
Kitty: So's anyone with an actual English accent who reads this comic.
******
(next panel, Pete looking off to the side)
Off-sides: Ya used t'be able t'see me wif yer eyes closed-- that's how
well ya knew me!
******
(Kurt gets back into his seat and Amanda perches on his lap. Crow
drags himself up into the vacant seat, hampered by the sneaker
phased into his chest)
Amanda: Oh, that last statement made sense much, like.
Mike: Es-yay.
Kitty: As clear as paint.
******
Pete: Yeah, well-- out o' sight... out o' mind. But I see yer still as
cagey a bird as ever. Still doin' that VANISHIN' trick o' yers...
"HIDIN' IN PLAIN SIGHT" an' such.
*****
Tom: Here we go with that bird obsession again.
Kurt: Perhaps his mother was frightened by a pigeon while expecting.
******
(next panel, Pete looking ahead again)
Pete: Just quit muckin' about, St. Hubbins-- and tell me wot's goin'
down.
******
Kitty: At last! I have a name and I shall have vengeance on the
Raab creation! Peckman St. Hubbins... great, now I just feel
sorry for her.
Mike: Berkeley Breathed just got bumped into second place in
the Stupid Names listing.
Tom: So that Campos chick is in third now?
******
Pete cont.: Wot's this thing on my neck?
******
Kurt: Mein Gott! She gave the poor man a hickey!
(bots snicker)
******
(next panel, woman with a big gun, ear-, navel- and two eyebrow-rings,
short-cropped blonde hair. Dressed in a red t-shirt, spandex pants, and
boots. And a trenchcoat)
******
Tom: Shawn Colvin!
Kitty: I am NOT singing "Sunnie Came Home" and you can't make me!
Kurt: Considering the setting, perhaps "You and the Mona Lisa" would
be more appropriate.
Kitty: NO!
******
Peckman: My, my, my...
******
Crow: Oh, my, my, my...
Amanda: Ewwwwwwwwww!
Crow and Amanda (a la Animaniacs): Oh, the humanity!
******
Peckman cont.: Yer memory sure is getting dodgy in yer old age, Petey.
*******
Mike: "Petey?"
Kitty: OK, I hate her again.
******
Peckman cont.: I'll just leave that up t'you t'figger out. And...
******
Kitty: I can't believe it...
Kurt: A character with an English accent was allowed to pronounce
a "D"!
Amanda: Next thing you know, Gambit will be using his "TH"'s.
Crow: So, is this like the Apocalypse for you guys or what?
All Excalians: DON'T SAY THAT NAME!!!
Kitty: Do you want to see the AOA redux?!
******
Peckman cont.: ...seein' as how ya ain't goin' nowhere, I might as well
tell ya, luv.
******
Kurt (yawning): Remove the period, insert ellipses or dashes.
*******
Peckman cont.: Yer gonna die-- and I'm your EXECUTIONER!
*******
Crow: Well, I guess it's better than being his gal Friday.
Kitty: And maybe if he dies, we can have the real Pete back.
Amanda: We suspect he's being held in the same vault with the missing
pages to issue 90.
******
(next page, first panel, Pete Wisdom's tied hands, with
"hot-knives" glowing at the end of them)
******
Kurt: You know, when Ellis was still around, we could see entire
issues go by without Pete once using those verdammt things.
Kitty: Furthermore, that was on purpose! Pete doesn't *like* using his
powers, remember?
Tom: And now?
Kitty: Now, he uses them at least once per page he appears on and
the effect looks like he has over-ripe bananas growing from his
fingers.
******
Pete: Get over yourself, girl. Me "HOT KNIVES" can melt these chains to
slag in seconds.
******
Mike: Good pod-person... explain your plans to the NICE psychotic. Atta
boy.
******
Peckman: Think so? Give it a go, then...
(next panel, Pete enveloped in electricity)
Pete: AARGH!
******
Tom: Anyone got any marshmallows?
Crow & Mike (chanting gleefully): Weenie roast, weenie roast!
******
(next panel, Peckman patting Pete on the head. A drop of flesh-colored
sweat drips off of Pete's face)
******
Amanda (as the Wicked Witch of the West): ARRRGH! I'm melting!
Melting! Oh, whatta world...
Crow: How apropos.
(Crow gets zapped yet again)
******
Peckman: Neural inhibitor.
Pete: Fries...
******
Kurt: ... coke, a milkshake, and a BLT. And give it wings!
******
Pete cont.: ...mutant's nervous system... whenever one uses their power...
******
Kitty: Really? We never would have guessed.
Tom: Now, now. I'm sure all of the first-time readers enjoy being
walked through and patronized.
Mike: After all, thinking is SO over-rated.
******
(next panel, close up on Pete's sweaty face)
******
Kitty? See? His entire genetic structure is breaking down. Two issues
down the line, he'll be a puddle on the floor.
Crow: Too bad they'll just make another one.
******
Pete: But that's top clearance, special issue hardware...
******
Mike: Duh... it's hard to get, too.
******
Pete cont.: --only for use by the U.S. government mutant group X-Factor...
******
Kurt: Who are quite busy suffering through problems with their
own writer, so we won't bother them.
Amanda: Aw, doesn't widdle Kurtums wanna see his mommy?
Kurt: Liebchen, do not tread there.
Amanda: But I've never even met her!
Kurt: Four words: Margali. Raab. Plot-device.
Amanda: I'll be good. For real this time.
******
Pete cont.: ...or...
******
Crow: Drumroll, please!
******
Pete cont.: Black Air!
(next panel, Peckman pulling the waistline of her pants down to reveal a
Black Air tattoo)
******
(bots growling and doing cat-calls)
Crow: Take it off, baby!
******
Peckman: Bingo.
(next page, close up on Pete's face)
Pete: No... not again...
******
Kitty: They've done this before?!
Mike: Talk about a dysfunctional relationship!
******
Voice over box: And as Pete Wisdom realizes there's a nasty storm
a'brewin' on the horizon for him and his mates...
******
Amanda: Terrific. Now Raab thinks he's a pirate.
Crow: Mental stability has never been a trait Marvel encourages
in its writers.
Tom: Sorry, Pryde, but I can't help myself... "Storm warning...
feels like a heavy rain..."
Kitty: As long as I don't have to sing, I don't care.
******
(next page, first panel, inside of Wundagore lots of animal-headed
people are running around. Most prominent are the lizard-ugly from the
cover and a grizzly-lady)
******
Mike: Beany-babies unite!
******
Voice over box: ...the assembled knights of Wundagore prepare for a
tempest of their own under the guidance of the reptilian Lord Gator and
the grizzly Lady Ursula!
******
Kitty: How nice. A superficial female character.
Amanda: Just like Moira and Meggan and Rahne...
******
Lord Gator: Well, Delphis-- are all of your protective wards in place?
******
Kurt (as Delphis): Let me see... cup, helmet, jock strap. Yes, I think
so.
******
(next panel, Lord Gator talking to the hologram of a noseless male with
blue-gray skin)
******
Tom: Michael Jackson's latest nose-job gone horribly wrong...
******
Lord Delphis: For NOW-- but I don't know how long they'll hold!
(next panel, close up on Delphis' face)
Lord Delphis: In all our years, we've never faced a foe as deadly as
Exodus!
******
Amanda: Except for that thing that's growing under the fridge and Bova's
anthrax.
******
Lord Delphis cont.: He ought to prove a most satisfying challenge. I,
for one, look forward to testing his mettle.
(next panel, Lord Gator talking over his shoulder to Ursula as Delphis'
hologram fades out)
Lady Ursula: That's because you won't be fighting on the front lines.
Lord Gator: Easy, Ursula.
******
Crow (as Lord Gator): You know you'll be cowering in here with the rest
of us.
******
Lord Gator cont.: Wait-- what's this..?
******
Kurt: Those of us in the outside world call them shoulders.
******
(next panel, Sir Ram throws open the door and strides in. Colossus,
Meggan, and Bova are over his shoulder grinning like fools)
Lord Gator: Has Sir Ram lost his mind?!
******
Tom: Well, it happens if you hang around Tinfoil-lad too long.
First Lobdell, then Exodus, then Brian and Meggan, and now sheep-boy.
Kitty: Word association: Asbestos/lung-cancer. Colossus/insanity.
******
Sir Ram: Well met, fellow warriors! Behold!
******
Crow (as Sir Ram): For I bring into our midst a great traitor!
******
Sir Ram cont.: I have won allies to our cause and brought reinforcements!
******
Mike: I got more people to fight for us, too.
******
(next panel, Lord Gator eyeing Colossus. The 'gator ain't happy.)
Lord Gator: Imbecile! You've butted your head so many times you've
knocked all of the sense out of it! Grrrrr.
******
Tom: Hey! How does he know what the Russian's been doing?
******
(next panel, Sir Ram steps between Gator and Colossus)
Sir Ram: No, Gator! This one has renounced his covenant with Exodus!
******
Kitty: Hopefully, these guys aren't as trusting as the X-Men.
Kurt: Ah, yes. The Sabretooth Syndrome. Take the wolf into the
fold deliberately.
Tom: And if he tries to kill someone, send him to another team so
he can do it again.
******
Sir Ram cont.: He and his flaxen-haired companion have pledged their
allegiance to us for the coming battle!
******
Amanda: But odds are someone on the other team will tell him that they
can make his life all better and he'll turn around and join them.
******
(next panel, Gator and Colossus staring each other down again)
Lord Gator: And the serpent hides itself innocently among blades of
grass before striking its prey. How do we know that you've not led a
viper into our midst?!
******
Kitty: Finally! Someone that hasn't started popping stupid pills!
******
Colossus: Because you have my word.
******
(everyone falls over laughing)
******
Colossus cont.: I will tell you precisely how Exodus would storm a tower
such as this. First, he--
(next panel, everyone looking off to the left)
Off-panel voice: That will not be necessary, X-Man.
******
Crow: Wrong comic!
******
Sir Ram and Lord Gator: The Creator Speaks!
******
Kurt: And if he has any sense, he'll say to toss the mad-man out on his
ear.
******
Voice over: It is a voice from the past which Piotr Rasputin well
remembers...
******
Mike (as Ronald Reagan): Nancy?
******
(next panel, dramatic close up on Colossus)
Voice over: ...but never expected to hear again.
Colossus: BOZHE MOI!? YOU?
******
Crow: "Moi?" The metal-head is a Frenchie!! DIE, SNAIL EATER!!!
******
(next page, a Marvel Subscription form with an ad for Heroes for Hire)
******
All (monotone): Plug.
******
(next page, ad for a mail-order comic company)
******
All (monotone): Wasted trees.
******
(next page, first panel, aerial shot of Muir Island's Research center)
******
All (monotone): Crap.
Tom: Oh, look! We've got story again.
(everyone else turns to look at him)
Amanda: There's a difference?
******
Voice over: Back at Muir Island...
******
Crow: ...the home of the world's first sliceable morning beverage...
******
A speech bubble: Have you seen KITTY PRYDE, Dr. MacTaggert?
******
Kitty: Hell, no! And, if I can help it, you're not going to!
******
Speech bubble #1: Briefly.
******
Mike: What is how Excalibur #113 was proof-read, Alex?
******
(next panel, Moira and Douglock in the lab. Douglock's interfacing with
the computer)
******
Kurt: Oh... my... LORD!
Crow: God, they're interfacing right in front of her, and she
isn't batting an eyelash!
Tom: I didn't know Moira was so voyeuristic! That dirty old
woman!
Kitty: She's a doctor. It's nothing she hasn't seen before.
******
Moira: Ever since she got home...
******
Amanda: From that two-issue shopping trip...
******
Moira cont.: ...she's been lookin' f'r that PET DRAGON o'hers. I guess
the wee bugger's been missin' f'r some time.
******
Kitty: I don't believe it. A Pete/Moira amalgam...
Mike: All that was good and pure in this comic just committed a
slow, painful suicide.
******
Douglock: Hmp. Yet no one seemed to notice.
******
Kurt (sarcasm dripping from every syllable): Of course, Herr Raab
noticed this omission all on his own.
Amanda: I wonder how many letter bombs had to be smuggled into
the Marvel offices before he got the point?
******
(next panel, inside of an air duct)
Moira voicing over: Well, things have been rather hectic lately. With
all the commotion, seems we forgot to check up on 'im.
******
Kitty: Yet Shamrock and her evil army of styling gel managed to find
their way into the "Dragons of the Twilight Magenta" story-line.
******
Voice over cont.: But there's no real cause tae worry-- Lockheed's nae
scared o' anythin'!
******
Kitty: Thanks, Moira. Your faith in my dragon is so touching.
(glares at Amanda) You couldn't have grabbed Lockheed too?
Amanda (coolly): I can send you back if you want.
******
(next panel, Lockheed in a duct, seemingly spotlighted)
Lockheed: COO...? COO...? COO...?
******
(Tom bursts out laughing)
Tom: Hee-hee-hee! No more! I'm gonna be sick! *sniff* Whooo...
hee-hee-hee...
Mike: Servo, are you OK?
Tom: Dragons are great stand-up comics, I tell ya! If Seinfeld
could hear this, he'd go hang himself in the latrine!
******
(next page, a surprised Lockheed looking to the left)
Voice off-panel: Drop the "MUTE" act, dragon. We know you can talk!
Lockheed: MEWWL...?!
Another unseen voice: We said... DROP IT!
(next panel, Lockheed with arms spread wide)
******
Crow: Is he flashing us?
******
Lockheed: A'right... it's dropped! It's dropped!
******
Mike: What is the current state of quality in Excalibur's writing, Alex?
******
Lockheed cont.: What'choo want from me!? I-- I thought we wuz f--f--
FRIENDS!
Off-panel voice: "Friends?" "FRIENDS?!
******
Tom: Gosh, someone's pissed off that they missed the episode where
Rachel becomes a lesbian, nudist, born-again circus performer.
******
Another voice: Us...? Be friends with a loser like you...?
(next panel, spotlight on Lockheed, surrounded by blackness with a
multitude of glowing, yellow eyes surrounding him)
Voices: HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
Lockheed (thinking): Kitty... somebody... anybody... HELP!
******
Amanda: Oh, no! Lockheed's going to be held captive by the
Brotherhood of Evil Mutant Fireflies!
Kitty (squinting at the screen): Kurt, do those look familiar?
Kurt: Ja, now that you mention it... Oh, no. He wouldn't.
Kitty: This is Raab. He has the bad habit of dredging up past
characters and ruining them.
Crow: What?
Kurt: I refuse to be called the Big Daddy of all Bamfs again.
Amanda: Maybe I'll get lucky and it'll just be a bunch of
Nightcrawler clones.
Crow: Well, at least now we know what it won't be.
Mike: What's that?
Crow: Comprehensible.
(snickering)
******
(next page, first panel, an airplane with a sharply hooked nose flies
through the air)
******
Mike: The world's first larger-than-life mosquito decoy...
******
Voice-over box: Above the Atlantic, British Airways flight 1013 wings
its way towards New York carrying an excited Rahne Sinclair to a long
overdue reunion with some old and dear friends.*
(*Editor's plug: You're invited to the reunion, too!
******
Amanda: Just sign away your good taste and your immortal soul, and we'll
send over the entire limited series.
******
Plug cont.: Check it out in the New Mutants limited series on sale in
September! Collect 'em all! Kel
******
Tom (as the editor): Oh please, PLEASE fork over your $2.50! Don't even
read it, we just want your money! Marvel NEEDS this money! Otherwise the
repo man will come for our water-cooler!
******
(next panel, view of the passenger cabin)
Misc. blond guy: Z
******
Kurt: Zorro flies coach?
******
Rahne (thinking): 'Tis guanae be so good tae see Sam and Roberto and
Dani and Xi'an!
******
Crow: Ben Raab: Portrait of a comma-phobe.
Kitty (as Rahne): Och, tiz gonna be so good ta see my secret
romance, the Jerk-face who humiliated me by making public fun of my
secret romance in public, the MLF member that attacked Muir Island
less than a month ago, and the Ranma 1/2 reject!
******
Rahne cont.: I miss 'em all so much.
******
Crow (as Rahne): But muh aim is gettin' better. Just a wee matter o'
time...
******
Rahne cont: I only wish wee Illyana Rasputin'...
******
Tom: Dumb question: Why is there an apostrophe where no letters
are being left out?
Kurt: (sigh) I'll speak a little Raab-ese for you. Ahem... "The
rain' in Spain' falls main'ly in' N'w York." Get the idea?
Tom: Yes, it all becomes obvious now. You guys are being punished
for some horrible crime against the cosmos!
Kitty: No. If things worked like that, Raab would be given talent
and forced to read his own work.
Kurt: As illustrated by Rob Liefeld.
******
Rahne cont.: ...an' sweet Doug Ramsey could be there also.*
(*Editor's plug: Both are now deceased.
******
Amanda: Lucky stiffs.
******
Plug cont.: Illyana died in UXM 303. Doug Ramsey died in Mew Mutants 60.)
(next panel, Rahne nibbling on the eraser of her pencil)
******
Mike: So she left her rawhide chewie at home?
******
Rahne (thinking): Och, Doug-- if only Douglock was more like ye.
(next panel, Rahne erasing stuff from her diary)
SKRITCH!
******
Mike: Air brakes!
Crow (as pilot): Damn zeppelins! Quit hogging the sky!
******
Rahne (thinking): What am I thinkin'? I dinnae mean that.
******
Kitty: Oh, you did so.
Tom: Now we get to spend a few points of evil and read what this
God-fearing lass has jotted down in her diary.
Amanda: Or as much of it shows up on page, anyway.
Tom: Let's see here: "He may wear your face but... heart ain't
a... like yours... never would... kissed me... as he did... been
a ge... lease... hurt me proper..."
Mike: "Hurt me proper"?!
Tom: That's what it says.
Kitty: Now I'm going to have to check Rahney's closet for
domi gear when we get back to Muir.
******
(next panel, Rahne staring out of the window)
******
Mike: Oh, neat! A computer-generated reflection.
Kurt: Just one of the many touches used to try make up for
the lack of an enjoyable story.
******
Rahne (thinking): Douglock's heart is just as sweet and kind as nay
other person ye know.
******
Amanda: So next to Dougie we're all heartless scum. I see how it is...
******
Rahne cont.: Just admit it girl-- ye're CONFUSED.
******
Kitty: SHE'S confused?! Storywise, we've got no idea where Kurt,
Lockheed, OR Amanda are, my IQ has suddenly dropped by 50 points,
Douglock's about to be reclaimed by Paramount, and there's a
shoddy clone of my boyfriend being tortured in an art museum! Not
to mention the fact that Moira's Legacy Virus has sent her
through a menopause relapse! And she's supposed to be confused?!
Live with it, Sinclair.
Mike: That is bad.
Tom: Even for an X-book.
Kitty: One well-placed lightening bolt to the Marvel Offices,
that's all I ask. If there is a fair and just God up there, this
will come to pass.
******
Rahne cont.: Confused because a friend o'yours has feelings f'r ye.
******
Kurt: Is Rahne under the impression that the rest of us don't
care about her?
Crow: Maybe you need to spend more time bonding with your puppy.
******
Rahne cont.: Feelings the likes o'which ye've nae genuinely felt for
anyone in a looong time.
******
Tom (as Rahne): Those others I'm stringing along don't mean anythin' tae
me.
******
Rahne cont.: 'Cuz when he kissed ye...
******
Amanda: Exsqueeze us? You were the one who made lip-contact first,
wolfie. We have pictures.
******
Rahne cont.: ...ye kissed him back. An' ye know what...?
******
All: What?
******
(silhouette of the plane)
Rahne (thinking): I think ye ENJOYED it.
******
Crow: Yep, yep, yep. That one's going straight to hell.
Kurt: The nerve! She actually enjoyed a kiss!
Amanda: The hussy!
******
(next page, first panel, Colossus and Meggan standing at the foot of an
energy enwreathed throne)
Voice over box: Wundagore.
Shadowy figure on throne: There are two things in my possession that
Exodus covets.
******
Kitty (as Jimmy Swaggart): Thy shall NOT covet thy neighbor's
empire of Beanie Babies!
Tom: Amazing how they walked into the room and never even noticed
that throne before.
******
(next panel, closer view of the figure on throne)
******
Crow: Can't a guy get a little privacy?
******
Figure: The first is this very tower... where the hidden mysteries of
science and sorcery are revealed as one!
******
Crow: We'll just ignore the fact that Dr. Doom's done it already.
Amanda: Should I be jotting this down for later reference?
Kurt: Why not? We'll find out that magic cures the Legacy Virus
just in time to save Moira.
Amanda: Shhh! HE might be listening...
******
(next panel, the High Evolutionary stands, cradling a little blonde girl
on one arm. A hologram of Quicksilver hovers over one hand)
******
Mike: Look! It's Piotr's big brother!
Crow: That rivet-studded loincloth is just SO last month!
******
High Evolutionary: And the second-- is this girl. Daughter of the mutant
speedster Quicksilver and his Inhuman wife, Crystal...
******
Kitty: I mean, Crystal was nice and all while they were dating, but once
she had the vows under her belt, she just went insane!
******
Evolutionary cont.: ...little Luna is also grandchild to the self-
proclaimed "Master of Magnetism"-- Exodus's...
******
Kurt: I'm not even going to bother.
******
Evolutionary cont.: ...former lord-- Magneto!
******
All: Ooooooo!
Mike: Impressive.
******
Evolutionary cont.: I have sworn to protect her while her father mourns
the tragic passing of her mother.
******
Amanda: "Broken Families: The tragedy of Heroes Reborn", next on
Jenny Jones.
Kitty: Special guest-star-- Franklin Richards.
******
Evolutionary cont.: And though Exodus be man, mutant, or even god...
******
Kurt: That's exaggerating just a bit, don't you think?
Crow: If he does think, it ain't often.
******
Evolutionary cont.: ...I --- the HIGH EVOLUTIONARY-- shall never forfeit
her!
******
Kurt (as the Evolutionary): For I am being paid $5.00 an hour to
baby-sit!
Tom: You'd think that with all of the useless explanation and
re-explanation in this thing, they could spare two lines to explain
why He-of-the-Metal-Long-Johns would be obligated to care for the
kid anyway.
Crow: Elsie just has knack for finding snow-encrusted mutants, I'd guess..
******
Colossus: You do not realize how ruthless a fanatic Exodus can be.
******
Amanda: I'm sure he does. Who doesn't have CNN nowadays?
******
Colossus cont.: He will stop at nothing to claim both the tower and the
child as his own!
******
Kitty: Do you think that the writer has forgotten that Exodus capturing
Luna has already been done, and much better, in another story arc?
All (sarcasm OD): NO! Really?
******
Colossus cont.: You must let us stand WITH you!
******
Mike: Until the bigger, better, deal comes along, anyway.
******
(next panel, the High Evolutionary standing over Colossus)
High Evolutionary: Your courage is as admirable now as it was the last
time we met, Colossus.*
******
Kitty: Meaning that he's still a weenie rat-bastard.
******
Evolutionary cont.: But I have all the resources I require to prevent
Exodus from usurping what is rightfully mine alone.
******
Crow: A bottle of mace and rolled up newspaper.
******
(*Editor's plug: During the evolutionary war in UXMAnnual 12.)
******
Tom (as editor): But you can forget about that little bit of history,
because, like most continuity, it will be ignored or retconned at the
earliest possible opportunity.
******
(next panel, Meggan getting between the Evolutionary and Colossus)
Meggan: So you're just going to toss us out of here-- without so much as
a "by your leave"-- because you're too proud to accept anyone's help?
(next panel, silhouette of the High Evolutionary walking away)
******
Tom: You know, if that loincloth moves two inches further to the left,
we'll get to see if he wears metallic under-roos or not.
******
High Evolutionary: ...
*****
Kurt: Temporarily lost his voice at her cheek, I take it.
Crow: Well, that would depend on which cheeks she showed him.
Kurt: Why can he make elemental jokes and I can't? That's not
fair, Amanda.
Amanda: Take your pick: me on your lap or the ability to crack
jokes about Meggan without pain.
Kurt: ...
******
Evolutionary cont.: Precisely.
******
Kitty: Way to blow her off, High!
Kurt (to Amanda): Promise to wear the cape when we get home?
Amanda: Promise.
******
(next page, first panel, the Evolutionary holding his glowing hand in
front of him)
******
Kitty: Think that thing has built in vibrator too?
Amanda: (chokes and giggles)
Kurt: Wisdom dies when we return.
Kitty: Go ahead. You don't actually think I've been sleeping with
that pod, do you?
Amanda: How long has it been?
Kitty: Ten. Months.
Tom (muttering): Well, THAT would explain the irritability
factor.
******
High Evolutionary: You see, despite his loyal following...
******
Mike: Even though the Acolyte roster is never the same from one
appearance to the other, we'll assume that they're all away at camp and
will return presently.
******
Evolutionary cont.: ...Exodus is a king without a castle... and no good
monarch can remain one for long without proving his might.
******
Crow: Except for Forge.
******
Evolutionary cont.: Thus I have become his target-- the ultimate proof
of his fitness to lead. But I shall defeat him. Alone.
******
Amanda: And when Exodus fails, his loyal Acolytes will tear him
apart and consume their fallen leader, in the grand tradition of
all Avalon Lodge initiates.
Kurt: That made no sense.
Amanda: Sorry, lover. The comic's general asininity is getting to
me.
Crow, Tom, and Mike: We are the strong!
******
(next panel, Colossus and Meggan are bathed in pale green electricity)
Colossus: Wait-- what are you doing?
******
Tom (as the High Evolutionary): I believe it's called 'cold fusion.'
Kurt: A Colossus/Meggan amalgam?
All: EWWWWWWWW!
******
Meggan: Stop! You can't do it alone!
(next panel, close up on the Evolutionary)
High Evolutionary: Alas, child--
******
Kitty (as the High Evolutionary): ...you are doomed to marry yonder rust
-bucket. I will pray for your soul.
******
Evolutionary cont.: I can. And so I will-- for I have faith.
******
Amanda: Yet another glaring indication that the title was thought up
first and then the story was slap-dash sloppily thrown together around
it.
******
Evolutionary cont.: Fare-thee-well on thy JOURNEY, mutants.
******
Tom: Someone hit the 'insert archaic language' key instead of
'insert random accent.'
Crow: Oh, those wacky writers!
******
Evolutionary cont.: For the path from which you were diverted--
(next page, first panel, Colossus and Meggan appearing in front of the
Eiffel Tower)
Evolutionary voice over: --is the one to which I now return you.
Colossus: Lenin's ghost! He DID it! WE'RE FINALLY IN PARIS!
******
Mike: Just where every good Soviet wants to go.
Kitty: It's a fake out. You're just in the nearest travel agent's
office.
******
Meggan: I wonder if we'll ever know what's going to happen at Wundagore?
******
Kurt: Insert obligatory foreshadowing... NOW!
Crow: Just once, I'd like to hear someone on an X-Team say "I
don't know" instead of trying to sound like a Psychic Friend.
*****
(next panel, Colossus and Meggan standing on a Paris Street)
Colossus: Believe me, Meggan-- if Exodus is VICTORIOUS... we WILL. *
(*Editor's plug: And so will you if you pick up Quicksilver 1 on sale
next month.)
******
All: WHAT?!
Kitty: Someone do a page count!
Amanda: 21... 22 pages, not counting ads and the letters column.
Kitty: Dare I ask how many or them are not plugs leading into the
New Mutants LS, the Colossus One-Shot, or the Quicksilver series.
Amanda: Um... six.
Tom: The joy of buying a book of plugs for other books of plugs.
Kitty: I wonder if Lockheed would really mind being skinned so
much. Maybe I could clone him...
******
Meggan: Well, that was some roller coaster ride!
(next and final panel, Colossus smacks his forehead)
SLAP!
******
Kitty: Harder, dammit! We want brain damage.
Kurt: How can you damage what's not there?
All: Oooo!
Amanda: Tall, blue, and neutral slams the Tin-Man! I'm so proud
of you.
Kitty: Almost makes up for that bone-head decision to let him on
the team...
Kurt: (sigh) You're going to make me suffer for that for the rest of my
natural life, aren't you?
Kitty: Depends. If I'm pissed enough, I'll convert on my deathbed just
so I can rub your nose in it for the rest of the afterlife, too.
******
Meggan: Ready for the ones at Dudley World?
******
Tom: Translation? "Please don't sue us, Mr. Eisner!"
Kitty: Great ending.
Mike: You can practically hear the canned laughter oozing off of
the page.
Amanda: If we can just make it through the end-credits, we'll be OK.
******
End banner: For more on our heroes' adventure in the city of love--
******
Crow: And snails. And mimes. And wine with breakfast.
******
End banner cont.: Check out the COLOSSUS ONE-SHOT!
******
Tom: Was that a threat?
******
And come back next month as Pete Wisdom's Past catches up to him with a
VENGEANCE!
******
(Pete Wisdom walks into the theater, clutching a blow torch which he
proceeds to apply to the screen)
Pete: Not bloody likey, ya damn Tories!!
Kitty: PETE! Wait... how do I know you're the real Pete Wisdom?
Pete (growling): Don't make me say it, Pryde.
Kitty: No, I want proof!
Pete: That over-sized snotrag's about to go up in flames!
Kitty: I'm not budging until I'm certain that you're the Pete Wisdom
I know and love.
Pete: Bloody hell! All right... (mutters)
Kitty: What?
Pete: I said, "Green boxers with soddin' yellow daisies on 'em!"
Kitty: All right, let's move!
(everyone bustles out of the theater while the screen burns into ash.
The sprinklers in the ceiling go on after a bit)
******
(backward door sequence)
Tom: Oh, great job, Wisdom!
Crow: Now we can't watch any...more... movies...
(silence as realization dawns on Mike and the 'bots. Short pause as they
break out the bubbly and party hats)
Pete (ignoring the hullabaloo): So, Pryde. Did y'miss me or what?
Kitty: Did I MISS...?! What kind of question is that?
Mike, Crow, & Tom (in the background): "Ding-dong the screen is dead!"
Pete: The kind of question you ask when you're stuck in a vault ten
bleedin' months.
(Kitty wraps her arms around Pete's neck and gives him the deepest kiss
in the history of the SOL. Not much competition there, but it's still a
pretty good smooch)
Kitty: That answer it, you silly git?
Pete: Dunno. I might need another one...
(Kurt starts towards the lovers as they reengage lip-lock. Amanda grabs
his arm and drags him off to join the conga line the SOL crew has
started)
Mike, Crow, & Tom: No more brain-dead mo-vies! No more brain-dead mo-
vies!
Gypsy (at the window): Hey, look! We're drifting back towards Earth!
Kurt: Really? We can go and bring back the rest of our team?
Gypsy: Looks that way.
Mike: This has got to be the best day of our lives! Nothing can ruin
this!
Tom: Mi-ike! You're breaking up the conga!
Mike: Sorry...
******
(outside in a suped-up space-van, still towing the SOL)
Pearl Forrester (on cellular phone): Hello? That you, Benny? Are you
missing a few comic-book characters? Really? Well, I have something that
might interest you...
*Finis*