> YES! You Can Eat What You Want and Lose Weight with
> FAT ABSORB!
(Seraph jumps into Matt's lap, screaming.)
Seraph: ARGHHHHHH! Kill it, KILLLLLLL IT!
(Matt looks at his girlfriend bemusedly.)
Matt: Kill what?
Seraph: The super villain.
Matt: What super villain?
Seraph: Fat Absorb. (Points to the line of spam.) See!
(Rossi wanders in)
> Over 1 million bottles sold last year alone.
Rossi: So why are we here again?
Seraph: Shhh, we're waiting for Phil and Dex to get here.
(Phil and Dex enter.)
Phil: Someone said my name?
Dex: Someone brought beer?
> You've probably seen this product on T.V.
Matt: Cause we all know anything you see on T.V just has to be wonderful.
Seraph: I wonder if they used the ad with the annoying child and the adults repeating the product name over and over.
Phil: 'S, subliminal.
Dex: I was thinking about another S word actually, only a little shorter.
Rossi: Why do you always drag us into these things?
Seraph: I like to share my pain.
> Fat absorb is a new concept in losing weight for both men
> and women.
Dex: Ahhh, generic weight loss.
Seraph: Could be worse, could be geriatric weight loss. Lose weight in under sixty years, guaranteed. You die and we give you your money back, no questions asked.
> This new product actually traps the fats from foods you eat
> every day.
Rossi: Why did I just get a weird picture of a fat safari?
Phil: Gel, you've been eating to many Timtams.
Seraph: Philistine!!!! One can never eat too many Timtams.
Dex: Nor use too many exclamation marks, it would seem.
> By trapping those fats
Seraph: Isn't it against the law to cage endangered fat cells?
Matt: Honey, I don't think fat cells are endangered.
Seraph: I bet there's millions of people out there that wished they were.
Rossi: Raph, I don't think wishing is gonna do any good in this case.
Phil: Yeah, cause if it did, we wouldn't be here reading this tripe.
> Fat Absorb reduces the amount of calories derived from
> those fats by preventing those excess fats from getting into
> your body.
Phil: Those fats, slutty lil buggers, try to get into anything they would.
Rossi: The fact that we've now turned fat into some kind of perverse sexual practice disturbs me.
> Fat Absorb attracts fat like a magnet.
Seraph: I'm not saying anything.
Dex: You know you want to.
Seraph: No, it's just too easy.
> Not only is Fat Absorb a significant aid to weight loss
Seraph: Only because it relieves you of the weight of all that lovely money stupid people feel compelled to throw at these morons.
> it also helps lower your cholesterol and triglyceride intake.
[Seraph sobs quietly, her head buried against Matt's shoulder.]
Seraph: Matt, make the bad person stop using big words. What exactly is a triglyceride anyhow? Sounds like a Godzilla ripoff.
> Fat Absorb is working when you're not - naturally and safely.
Phil: The fact that it doesn't work should make it safe as
houses, mate.
> Look at some of Fat Absorb's benefits!
Rossi: Think of all the money you won't have to worry about!
> · Has no stimulants of any kind.
Seraph: In other words, if this advert doesn't bore you to death, the medication will.
> · Helps you lose weight while eating naturally.
Dex: Funny how exercise does exactly the same thing.
Rossi: No, can't have that, I mean, what would all the advertisers of stuff like this do with their time if people believed that?
> · Blocks dietary fat before it reaches your stomach
Seraph: So, in other words, it blocks the fat, which your body needs a certain amount of to live. Thusly making your body so fat starved that the moment you go off it, your body will immediately absorb twice its weight in the stuff, and you're back to square one. How utterly, utterly brilliant of them, don't know why I didn't think of it myself.
> · Absorbs up to 12 times its weight in dietary fat
Rossi: Déjà vu.
Seraph: Nah, vuja De.
Rossi: Why?
Seraph: Do you really want to have been here before?
> · Binds fat - making it nutritionally unavailable
Seraph: Um, isn't nutrition good for you?
Phil: Shh, Angel. You'll spoil a good advertising spiel.
Seraph: Sorry, my bad. Do carry on then advertising person type. I can't wait to hear what you have to say next.
> · Fat Absorb is ALL NATURAL
Rossi: All natural what?
Phil: I don't think they've ever expected anyone to actually ask that.
> Fat Absorb is a natural fiber that, like a magnet, is attracted
> to fat, especially harmful saturated fat.
Seraph: I'm still not going there.
> Reducing fat and cholesterol is essential for building health.
[Seraph and Rossi take out various implements of distruction.
Seraph hefts some at the guys.]
Seraph: I say we nuke it from orbit.
Matt: Only way to be sure.
> You can try Fat Absorb at an amazing low price of $29.95.
Rossi: Is it over soon?
Phil: I think the fat lady has to sing first.
Seraph: Um, I think the fat ladies dead. Some unfortunate accident with the fat absorb.seemed to think she was "dangerous unsaturated fat," ate the power women whole.
> That's $10.00 off the everyday price.
Seraph: Wow, the fact that they think they can get any money at all for this crap is amazing, but the truly mindboggling thing is, that they actually think they're so guarenteed of a sale they can discount the stuff.
Phil: World's a crazy place, Angel.
> Do yourself a big favor and order Fat Absorb today!!!
Rossi: Are we there yet?
Seraph: Only a little longer. Now sit down and stop annoying your brother.
Phil: She's looking at me!
Seraph: Don't make me stop this e-mail.
> To order call 24 hours a day 888-516-3900
Dex: Right then, beer anyone?
Phil: Is the world round?
Seraph: You know, I have an unsettling feeling that if you asked these people that question, they'd say no.
[Matt, Seraph, Rossi, Dex and Phil head off to the pub, visions of Guinness dancing in their heads.]
A merry mstieing to all, and to all a good night!