[Int SOL. The desk is covered with three neat stacks of comic books.
No one is visible. They jiggle occasionally]
TOM: [V.O.] All right, I bet you don't have the first appearance of
Latex Lad!
CROW: [V.O., laughs evilly] Oh, foolish mortal! It's right here is
Moose Man #37.
TOM: [V.O.] Prove it!
CROW: [V.O.] Here it is.
[MIKE walks up, watches. Only his head is visible over the comics.]
TOM: [V.O.] No, I mean unbag it and *show* me!
CROW: [V.O., horrified] *UNBAG* it? Are you *insane*?
MIKE: You mean you have all these comics and you never read them?
CROW: [Head pops up over comics] Heathen. I'm a co-*lec*-tor! [back
down again.]
MIKE: [Something at the base of one of the stacks catches his eye] Oh,
*wow* ... is that *really* Violence Lad number *one*? Let me see!
[ducks down behind comics]
CROW: [V.O., horrified again] NO! Don't! You're gonna --
[Too late. Every single comic spills out of their neat stacks into a
godawful mess, revealing CROW, TOM and MIKE. The COMMERCIAL LIGHT
begins to flash.]
MIKE: [Sheepish] We'll be right back. [Reaches for COMMERCIAL LIGHT.
CROW begins to peck him in the arm as he does so.]
[CUT TO: MST3K LOGO.]
MIKE: [V.O. as fade to commercial] Ow! Quit! I said I was sorry,
Crow, I -- OW! Hey!
[Commercials:
"Condoms, man! It's repression, man!" -- yeah, like this guy
would ever have to worry about being in a position to need one.
"She'll try to burn you. She'll try to freeze you. She'll try to
drown you." -- She'll try to kill you with a forklift, hoo hoo!
Insert local annoying commercial -- this time, it's going to be
Rite-Rug! Call Mr. Edwards! And tell him he needs new
commercials!
]
[Interior SOL. All are busy with preparations for festivities. A large
banner hangs across the back, reading "Michael Keaton Fan Club".
GYPSY is helping MIKE string black and gray streamers. SERVO is
going over a clipboard with CROW.]
TOM: Banner?
MIKE: Check.
CROW: Bunting in festive gray and black?
GYPSY: [muffled, still has bunting in her mouth] Chmfk.
TOM: Cheez-Whiz?
[Silence. All pause. TOM panics first.]
TOM: Oh, my God, no! We forgot the Cheez-Whiz! Oh, the humanity!
[collapses on table, sobbing.]
MIKE: [Finishes hanging the the streamer, comes over to console TOM]
It's okay, see, I made extra guacamole!
TOM: [looks up briefly at the bowl MIKE indicates, then slumps back
down, sobbing even harder.]
[D13 -- Close-up, DR. FORRESTER, looking unusually chipper.]
DR.F: Problem, guys?
[SOL]
MIKE: Nothing we can't handle, sir. You wouldn't happen to have any
Cheez-Whiz handy, would you?
[D13 -- DR. FORRESTER reaches into a pocket and produces a can.]
DR.F: Well, what do you know about that? [Walks over to UMBILICUS, puts
it in.] Here you go, guys.
[SOL -- in b.g., MIKE is retrieving the aerosol cheese from GYPSY'S
mouth.]
TOM: Hey, Dr. F, you're really an okay kind of guy!
CROW: Yeah, and I'm really sorry about all the names I've called you and
stuff.
MIKE: [coming forward to between TOM and CROW] Yeah, and we really
appreciate getting to see the new Batman movie.
GYPSY: You're not such a bad mad poopie after all.
[D13]
DR.F: [A little sheepish] Well, gee, thanks guys.
[In b.g., wrapped in a towel, drying his hair is ... DR. FORRESTER? He
watches the other DR. FORRESTER closely, slowly coming forward.]
1st DR.F: [the one in the foreground, hasn't noticed the other
FORRESTER yet] I figured after all you've been through, you
deserved a break.
2nd DR.F: [the towel-wrapped one] Excuse me? I'm Dr. Clayton
Forrester. Who are you, what are you doing here, and why do you
look familiar?
1st DR.F: [Turns, grabs 2nd DR. FORRESTER by the shoulders.] Clayton!
[Kisses him on both cheeks] Don't you recognize me? I'm your
long-lost twin brother, Sherwood!
[SOL]
ALL: [completely incredulous] *SHERWOOD* *FORRESTER*?
[D13]
CF: [CF=Clayton Forrester] I don't have a twin!
SF: [SF=Sherwood Forrester] Yes you do! Me! Oh, and I took the
liberty of setting up your experiment for you. [To camera] Here
it comes, saps: BATMAN FOREVER, starring . . . *VAL* *KILMER*.
[SOL -- Stunned silence for a brief moment. The Michael Keaton Fan Club
banner falls forlornly to the floor. Then, MOVIE SIGN and all
run.]
6 ... 5 ... 4 ... 3 ... 2 ... 1 ...
[THEATRE -- As usual, MIKE carries in SERVO, and is followed by TOM.]
> B A T M A N F O R E V E R
>
>
> Written by
>
> AKIVA GOLDSMAN
>
> PRODUCTION DRAFT
> ----------------
> June 24, 1994
>
>
> 1 EXT. ARKHAM ASYLUM - NIGHT 1
>
> A castle of shadow. (OVER) RAIN, HOWLING evil wind.
> Sudden lightning CRACKS, illuminates the aged structure,
> the hanging metal sign.
ALL: It was a dark and stormy night . . . d'oh!
> 2 INT. ASYLUM CORRIDORS - NIGHT 2
>
> DR. BURTON, the Chief Psychiatrist moves down the old
> hallway, face tense. He steps through a doorway into...
CROW: The Hollywood Squares!
> 3 INT. MAXIMUM SECURITY - NIGHT 3
>
> Security cells. Criminal maniacs sealed behind protective
> casings.
CROW: To preserve freshness!
> A GUARD stands before a heavy door.
>
> GUARD
> Hell of a night, huh Doc?
>
> BURTON
> Hell's in here.
MIKE: You know, hell is where the heart is.
> Hydraulics HISS. The cell door unseals.
MIKE: HISS? Is that some acronym?
TOM: *H*ere *I*s a *S*tupid *S*cript.
MIKE: That was pretty good.
> 4 INT. SECURE ISOLATION CELL 4
>
> Small. Walls, ceiling, floor, padded. A single window
> casts the room in pallid moonlight.
>
> A figure sits in shadow, bound by the wraps and ties of a
> straight jacket, gaze fixed out the window.
>
> Lightning flashes, brightening the room. THUNDER CRACKS.
TOM: And then breaks into millions of tiny bits.
> DR. BURTON
> Mr. Dent...
MIKE: Mr. *Arthur* Dent? You're a jerk. A complete kneebiter.
> No answer. Burton steps closer.
>
> DR. BURTON
> Counselor...
CROW: Geordie? Worf?
> Still nothing. Another step.
>
> DR. BURTON
> Harvey....
>
> Burton reaches towards the figure.
>
> DR. BURTON
> Harvey are you alright...
MIKE: Oh my God, he's turned into a six-foot tall rabbit!
> Burton touches his shoulder. Lightning flashes as...
>
> THE BODY WHIPS around. An orderly, gagged, sits bound to
> the chair with bedsheets.
TOM: Harvey was feeling pretty frisky, apparently.
> The sheets around the chair have been rigged. Now they
> yank him up so he spins frantically from the ceiling fan.
>
> Lightning flashes again, illuminating a madman's scrawled
> writing on the wall.
>
> WRITING - CLOSE. "The Bat Must Die!" THUNDER
CROW: Jeez, I wonder who he means.
MIKE: I'm betting it's not that he hates baseball.
> 5 EXT. GOTHAM CITY SKYLINE - SUNSET - FALL 5
>
> Gothic towers of granite and glass shimmer golden in the
> late day sun.
>
> 6 MOVE IN towards the city as an executive helicopter 6
> CROSSES FRAME. Through the window BRUCE WAYNE, still
> handsome but a few lines starting to show,
CROW: If he'd've learned his lines already, he wouldn't have to bring
them on-camera with him.
> sits watching
> a seatback video screen.
>
> 7 CONTINUE In over Gotham Harbor towards the skyline as 7
> (OVER) A NEWSCASTER talks.
>
> NEWSCASTER
> ...And in Gotham City, ex-District
> Attorney Harvey Dent escaped from
> Arkham Asylum for the Criminally
> Insane.
>
> 8 CLOSER on a single building, its power generated by a 8
> small but mighty dam below. A glowing sign reads Wayne
> Enterprises.
MIKE: Aw, it's the little dam that could.
> NEWSCASTER (OVER)
> Dent, once Gotham's leading
> contender for Mayor, was horribly
> scarred during an indictment hearing
> over a year ago.
MIKE: Judge Ito really hated him.
> HOLD on a single window. MOVE IN
TOM: Break THROUGH the GLASS and BLEED PROFUSELY.
> 9 INT. BRUCE WAYNE'S OFFICE 9
>
> Elegant. Oak. A wall monitor runs the same newscast.
>
> 10 INSERT SCREEN 10
CROW: Right into the document via OLE!
> Dent questions a crime boss on the stand. A thug throws a
> vial of acid toward Harvey, searing half his face.
>
> NEWSCASTER (OVER)
> Dent, whose left-brain was damaged
> during the assault, launched a
> grizzly crime spree before being
CROW: Grizzly crime spree? He stole bears?
> captured by The Batman. He is
> extremely dangerous. Repeat....
ALL: He is extremely dangerous...
> 11 WIDER 11
CROW: Deeper!
> Bruce Wayne ENTERS, his Armani suit the only thing fresh
> about him, followed by a sudden stream of EXECUTIVES,
> SECRETARIES, ASSISTANTS and GOTHAM SOCIETY MATRONS.
>
> EXECUTIVE
> The solar generator tests are back.
TOM: It's pregnant.
> BRUCE
> Uh... great, could you wait a
> second...
>
> ASSISTANT
> The Mayor's office called again -
CROW: Touch his wife again and he'll kill you.
> SOCIETY MATRON
> Who are you asking to the circus -
>
> SECRETARY
> Five minutes to your inspection -
CROW: So strip down.
> BRUCE
> Stop!
ALL: Hammer time!
> Everybody freezes.
MIKE: Someone turn down the air conditioner!
> BRUCE
> Okay, I want you all to just stand
> here for fifteen seconds, okay?
> Fifteen, everybody got it?
>
> Folks nod.
CROW: And in the audience, folks nod *off*.
> BRUCE
> Good. Nobody move, now.
>
> And with that, Bruce turns and walks out.
TOM: Accompanied by half the audience.
> BRUCE
> (to himself)
> I gotta give myself a raise...
CROW: Apparently walking around in spandex cramped his sense of humor as
well.
> 12 INT. WAYNE ENTERPRISES - ELECTRONICS DIVISION - TWILIGHT 12
>
> Endless work-spaces stretching into infinity.
MIKE: An effect achieved by placing two mirrors in front of each other.
> Bruce, a Junior Exec ENTOURAGE trailing, tours an
> assembly line where robotic arms weld laser tools.
TOM: Hey, is that Al Gore?
> FRED STICKLEY, a fuss-budget plant manager, leads.
>
> STICKLEY
> Your weekly inspections are a
> departmental highlight.
TOM: Since working here is otherwise a life of quiet desperation.
> BRUCE
> Really?
> (a warm smile)
> You all need to get out more.
CROW: The sense of humor comment stands.
MIKE: I think Val is short for "Valium"
> 13 CRANE UP high over the factory floor, across acres of 13
> assembly lines and work stations.
>
> ANGLE DOWN on
>
> 14 INT. EDWARD NYGMA'S WORK STATION (CONTINUOUS) 14
CROW: "E. Nygma"? I wonder who THIS will turn out to be.
> A clutter of computer parts. Paperwork everywhere.
> Rubik's cubes, games, dozens of puzzle books all boasting
> the green suited caricature of "The Guesser".
TOM: Who is like the Thinker, but dumber.
> 15 MONITOR-CLOSE. A crossword puzzle. 15
>
> Features reflect over the acrostic. The two images
> resolve into one; the face itself is a puzzle.
>
> 16 REVERSE ANGLE 16
>
> EDWARD NYGMA, awkward, brilliant and feverishly anxious
> stares up at the screen, TALKING to himself.
>
> EDWARD
> We'll probably go to the house for
> dinner. Yes. Yes. Maybe he'll throw
> a little party in my honor.
TOM: Maybe I can tell him how I really feel.
> Suddenly Edward BANGS his head against the desk-top.
> Hard. A brief window on the inner Edward, all insecurity
> and self loathing.
CROW: Like the audience.
> EDWARD
> Idiot! Should have rented a tuxedo.
> (suddenly calm)
> Relax. I'm sure Wayne manor has
> extra. After all, we're almost the
> same size.
MIKE: Hey! That's pretty personal!
> 17 The opposing wall is a shrine to Bruce Wayne: newspaper 17
> headlines, a GQ cover, magazine photos.
>
> 18 Approaching COMMOTION. 18
TOM: Commotion usually likes to sneak up on people, but in this case it
doesn't care.
> EDWARD
> Oh my God. It's him.
ALL: Randolph Scott!
> 19 INT. WAYNE ENTERPRISES - BREAK AREA 19
>
> Workers greet the boss. Bruce is friendly, welcoming,
> Edward appears on the edge of the group.
>
> Stickley spots Edward. A cloud crosses his face.
CROW: Spraying lightning bolts up his nose.
> STICKLEY
> Well, Mr. Wayne, on to R&D?
TOM: Or maybe some B&D and S&M ASAP?
> Stickley rests his hand on Wayne's elbow. Begins to steer
> him away. Not in time.
MIKE: But in space.
> Edward steps forward. A man so uncomfortable, his very
> skin seems to be a costume. He marches right up to Wayne,
> takes his hand, fawning, the burning eyes of a sycophant.
>
> BRUCE
> Mr...?
CROW: Miss, actually, but that'll be our little secret.
> EDWARD
> Bruce Wayne. In the flesh.
CROW: Is "In the flesh" his last name?
> BRUCE
> (easy going)
> Um...I'm pretty sure I'm Bruce
> Wayne. And you are?
MIKE: Pathetic.
> EDWARD
> Nygma. Edward Nygma. You hired me.
> Personally. Just like I tell
> everyone.
> (sotto voce)
> Well, we've never actually met, but
> your name was on the hire slip.
>
> He still hasn't let go of Bruce's hand.
>
> BRUCE
> I'm gonna need that hand back, Ed.
CROW: I have a date tonight.
TOM: I hope it's with someone else ...
> EDWARD
> What? Ah yes. Of course. I'm sorry.
> It's just that...you're my idol.
> (off Stickley)
> And some people have been trying to
> keep us apart.
CROW: Am I imagining it, or is this new Riddler just a bit...
MIKE: You're imagining it. I hope.
> BRUCE
> Mr. Nygma, you'll forgive me for
> being rude. But what exactly is on
> your mind?
TOM: A skull, several layers of skin, and some hair.
> EDWARD
> Precisely. What's on all our minds?
> Brainwaves. The future of Wayne
> Enterprises is Brainwaves!
TOM: Of which the scriptwriters probably needed a lot more!
> It's hard to imagine anyone more awkward. The effect is
> painful. Folks stare, mouths wide.
>
> STICKLEY
> (sotto voce)
> I really do apologize, Mr. Wayne.
> His project was terminated this
> morning...
>
> EDWARD
> (ignoring Stickley)
> Let me ask you something, Bruce.
> What is man's greatest tool?
MIKE: I vote the corkscrew.
TOM: I say the clothes hanger.
CROW: And the answer is . . .
> A few of the WOMEN SNICKER. For a second, Edward's face
> twitches, a crack in the facade.
>
> EDWARD
> Man's greatest tool is...The mind.
MIKE: I was close.
TOM: You were not.
MIKE: Yes I was. Whoever wrote this is twisted.
> 20 Edward gestures to his cubicle. A rat's nest cluttered 20
> with components of his Rube Goldberg-like invention.
CROW: Including "Mr. Boingy."
> 21 EDWARD 21
> Voila. While holographically
> enhancing any TV picture, my
> invention connects directly to the
> viewer's brain, puts the audience
> inside the show. Think of the
> entertainment problems we can solve.
MIKE: The need for plot, for believable acting . . . .
> STICKLEY
> I can think of a couple problems
> that need solving right here.
>
> A few more folks CHUCKLE. Edward looks around. Another
> ripple of anxiety, another quick recovery.
>
> EDWARD
> Why be brutalized by an uncaring
> world? My RES Box will give Joe Q
> Public a realm where he is king.
> (sultry)
> Not that someone like you would need
> it. Someone so intelligent. Witty.
> Charming. But for the lonely, the...
CROW: People exactly like my alienated sexually ambiguous self.
> STICKLEY
> Paranoid? The psychotic?
>
> EDWARD
> (didn't miss it)
> ...The Box can change their lives.
> (looking around)
> Our stock coupons will spike.
TOM: Then run around dancing in the endzone, humiliating our opponents!
> Edward turns, actually CLAPS Stickley on the back.
MIKE: What is the sound of one back clapping?
> EDWARD
> Hell. Might even bring old Stickley
> here a few extra bucks. Huh, Fred?
>
> STICKLEY
> Fred?
MIKE: Ethel? Ricky? Lucy?
> Bruce takes off his glasses, rubs his eyes in vague
> disbelief, cleans the lenses.
TOM: He has lenses in his eyes?
> EDWARD
> Wayne Enterprises will spearhead an
> entertainment revolution.
CROW: Which will be about as much fun as the French Revolution, judging
by this script.
> Edward removes his glasses, cleans them in exactly the
> same manner as Bruce.
>
> EDWARD
> I just need a bit of additional
> funding. For human trials. Let me
> show you....
TOM: Let me touch you. Let me take you into my world.
> Bruce seems about to speak when suddenly -
>
> 22 THE BATSIGNAL 22
> beams bright against the night clouds over Gotham City.
>
> 23 BRUCE 23
> (time to move)
> Maybe some other time..
>
> EDWARD
> I want you to know, we'll be full
> partners in this, Bruce.
> (waxing rhapsodic)
MIKE: And waning interest.
> What talks we'll have, late into the
> night. Now, I'm not used to business
> travel, so go easy on me. As for
> recognition, I'm sure after a time
> I'll get used to it.
> (a beat)
> Look at us. Two of a kind.
TOM: Wierdos who like to dress up for no sane reason!
CROW: All right. I'll say it. The Riddler is gay as a tree full of
parrots. Okay! I'm done. I'm glad.
> Edward is suddenly aware of dozens of co-workers all
> around him, SNICKERING and WHISPERING.
>
> EDWARD
> Bruce...?
>
> Bruce's eyes dart again toward the Batsignal.
CROW: Bruce has attention deficit disorder.
> BRUCE
> Call my secretary, she'll set
> something up.
> (turning)
> Factory looks great, folks. Keep up
> the good work.
TOM: Return to your meaningless lives as cogs in the Waynester's money
machine.
> EDWARD
> (desperate)
> Wait. You can't go.
>
> BRUCE
> We'll talk some other -
>
> EDWARD
> (sudden rage)
> No. Don't leave me! My invention! I
> need you!
>
> Edward has grabbed Bruce's arm. The room goes dead quiet.
> Bruce's eyes narrow. Then he dislodges gently.
>
> BRUCE
> I'm sorry, Edward. Just feels a bit
> like mind manipulation. It raises
> too many question marks.
CROW: Among other . . .
MIKE: Don't say it, please. I'm disturbed enough as it is.
TOM: *Everyone* is disturbed enough as it is.
> Bruce heads off.
MIKE: At the pass?
> STICKLEY
> Alright everyone, back to work.
> (to Edward)
> We'll discuss this later.
>
> Edward stares after Bruce.
>
> EDWARD
> You were supposed to understand.
>
> HOLD on this tiny man, all alone in the labyrinthine
> work-place, eyes darkening now with growing obsession.
TOM: Pancakes!
> EDWARD
> I'll make you understand.
>
> 24 INT. BRUCE WAYNE's PRIVATE OFFICE 24
>
> Bruce ENTERS.
MIKE: Audience LEAVES.
> BRUCE
> Lock.
>
> 25 THE DOOR - CLOSE. LOCKS. Bruce falls into a leather chair. 25
>
> BRUCE
> Capsule.
>
> 26 Suddenly the chair seat drops, fast, sliding into a 26
> transport capsule.
>
> 27 INT. TRANSPORT TUNNEL 27
>
> The capsule shoots through the underground tunnel, lights
> WHIPPING past at near super-sonic speed.
MIKE: Contac capsules are filled with tiny Bruce Waynes . . .
> 28 INT. CAPSULE 28
>
> Speed and time readouts appear on the windscreen beside
> the craggy face of ALFRED PENNYWORTH.
MIKE: i'M GLaD tO SeE yOu've RetURNed sAFelY, MasTEr.
> BRUCE
> Alfred...
CROW: ... kiss me.
> 29 ALFRED 29
> I saw the signal, is. All is ready.
CROW: I've pressed your toreador pants, made sandwiches, and covered the
cat in Play-Doh.
> 30 INT. BAT CAVE - COSTUME VAULT 30
>
> Alfred watches the capsule arrive.
>
> 31 QUICK CUTS of glove, boot, and cape being donned. 31
CROW: Alfred's dressing up . . .
> 32 INT. BATCAVE 32
>
> FOLLOW Batman's feet as he steps up to the Batmobile.
TOM: While the rest of him goes to the can.
> ALFRED
> I suppose I couldn't convince you to
> take along a sandwich.
>
> Batman jumps into the Batmobile.
CROW: And turns the radio to Z-Rock! Whoooooo!
> BRUCE
> (to Alfred)
> I'll get drive-thru.
MIKE: And pick up one of those neat glasses with me on it.
> (to the car)
> Go...
ALL: Speed Racer, go!
> 33 The car shoots a whitish-blue light from under it's 33
> belly. Hub Caps and detailing glow as The Batmobile zooms
> out of the cave.
TOM: And over a troop of unfortunate Brownies.
> 34 INT. CAVE ACCESS TUBE 34
>
> The car SHOOTS through a series of underground arches.
> The car picks up speed, the blue-white fusion drive going
> blue, then purple, then red. The single bat wing splits
> into two as the car becomes a stealth bullet.
CROW: Isn't a stealth bullet an oxymoron?
TOM: Whoever wrote scenes like this is an oxymoron.
MIKE: You're getting bitter, Tom.
> 35 EXT. WAYNE ESTATE - NIGHT 35
>
> The dark car WHIPS through a holograph of trees that
> masks the entrance to the Batcave, SCREECHING onto...
CROW: Several pedestrians!
> 36 EXT. FOREST ROADS - NIGHT 36
>
> The car speeds towards Gotham.
>
> 37 ANGLE OUTSIDE THE WINDOW ON 37
>
> The Batsignal, cutting the darkness.
TOM: Into bite-sized chunks.
> PULL BACK TO REVEAL
>
> 38 INT. SECOND BANK OF GOTHAM - 22ND FLOOR - NIGHT 38
>
> A worried THUG peers at the Batsignal out the skyscraper
> window. Across a narrow abyss stands a skyscraper under
> construction, all girders and scaffolding.
>
> 39 In f.g., a spinning silver dollar flips up into frame, 39
> blocking out the Batsignal.
>
> THUG 1
> Bat should show any minute, Face.
>
> A HAND catches the coin, flips it again.
>
> 40 WIDER 40
>
> Witness the rakishly handsome profile of HARVEY TWO-FACE
> DENT, the other side of his face hidden in shadow.
>
> TWO-FACE
> You. Sport. Any thoughts? Counting
> on Batass to rescue you?
MIKE: Batass? Lovely. Could we have a few more sexually confusing
remarks, there aren't NEARLY enough!
> PULL BACK TO REVEAL
TOM: The camera crew! Quickly pull back forward!
> A SECURITY GUARD, laying on the floor, wrists and feet
> bound, trembling with fear.
>
> TWO-FACE
> _We_ sure are.
>
> GUARD
> ...You gonna kill me?
>
> TWO-FACE
> Might. Might not. Could say we're of
> two minds on the subject.
>
> GUARD
> I got family. ...Please.
MIKE: Kill me now. I can't take Peg, Kelly and Bud any longer.
> TWO-FACE
> What say we flip for it?
TOM: I'd say he's *already* flipped.
> Two-ace shoves the silver dollar under the Guard's nose.
CROW: [Two-Face voice] Here. Blow.
> One side shines in mint condition.
>
> TWO-FACE
> What could be fairer than the random
> toss of an honest coin? Life...
>
> The other side bears deep, disfiguring burns.
>
> TWO-FACE
> ...or death.
>
> GUARD
> Please. I swear I won't say noth-
>
> TWO-FACE
> The coin _wants_ to decide.
CROW: I guess money talks!
MIKE: Yeah, but this money is pretty mean.
> 41 Two-Face flips. The coin spins, gleaming, lands on the 41
> floor only inches from the Guard's face.
>
> 42 Two-Face STOMPS the coin. Winks at the sweating Guard. 42
>
> TWO-FACE
> Exhilarating, isn't it? The
> suspense? Sudden death or a new
> lease on life? Really makes a man
> live in the moment.
>
> Two-Face removes his foot. Unblemished side up.
>
> TWO-FACE
> You're in luck. You get to live to
> whimper another day.
>
> The Guard SOBS with relief. Harvey's Thugs GRUMBLE.
TOM: The audience FIDGETS in BOREDOM.
> Two-Face folds his jacket into a pillow, places it under
> the Guard's head, now the nicest crook in the world.
>
> TWO-FACE
> That floor has got to be very hard.
> Is that better?
>
> GUARD
> Uh, yeah. Thanks, Mr..uh...Face.
TOM: Oh, please call me 'Two.'
> TWO-FACE
> Just call us Harvey. Can we get you
> a sandwich? A soft drink? Given all
> the trouble we caused you, how about
> we cut you in for a share of
> tonight's haul?
>
> THUG 2
> Face! For cryin' out loud! You're
> not gonna pay him--
>
> Two-Face turns on Thug 2 with a vengeance, shooting out a
> hand that pins the fellow's throat to the wall.
CROW: Unfortunately, the rest of him remains standing.
> TWO-FACE
> Did we ask your opinion? The coin
> has rendered its verdict. This man
> has a family to take care of. You
> have a problem with that?
>
> We now see for the first time the LEFT HALF OF HIS FACE:
> hideously repulsive, an acid eaten mutilation of flesh.
>
> THUG 2
> Oh no, Face. Anything you say.
TOM: Harvey is THE poster child for manic-depressive disorder.
> 43 EXT. PAN-ASIA TOWN - STREET - NIGHT 43
>
> Sweeping spots. Swat teams. Police wagons.
>
> 44 COMMISIONER GORDON, 50s, a man who's seen enough pain 44
> for a lifetime, stands in his trademark trenchcoat,
> lighting a cigarette.
>
> Beside him stands a beautiful, professionally dressed
> young woman. DR. CHASE MERIDIAN.
CROW: Yeah, like it's her real name.
ALL: METAPHOR!
> 45 HIGH ABOVE 45
>
> The Batmobile SCREECHES to a stop on a pedestrian bridge.
CROW: And on several pedestrians.
> 46 THE BATSIGNAL is suddenly obscured, flows for a moment 46
> into the shape of Batman's cape as the Dark Knight leaps
> 47 down past the spotlight, lands face to face with Chase. 47
>
> CHASE
> Hot entrance.
TOM: Oh, yeah, keep them coming ...
CROW: Mike, I feel dirty.
MIKE: Don't we all ...
> Batman turns, all business as he speaks to Gordon.
MIKE: Buy AT&T, sell IBM!
> BATMAN
> Two-Face?
CROW: No, Three-Butt. Jeez!
> GORDON
> Two guards dead. He's holding the
> third hostage. Didn't see this one
> coming.
>
> CHASE
> We should have, though.
>
> The men turn to face her.
>
> CHASE
> _Two_ million dollars waiting to be
> transferred from the _Second_ Bank of
> Gotham on the _22nd_ How could Harvey?
> _Two_-Face resist?
>
> BATMAN
> And you are?
CROW: The gratuitious love interest. Pleased to meet'cha.
> GORDON
> Batman, I'd like you to meet--
>
> CHASE
> (offering her hand)
> Chase Meridian
>
> GORDON
> I asked Dr. Meridian to come to
> Gotham to consult on this case. She
> specializes...
>
> BATMAN
> ...dual personalities. Abnormal
> psychology. Washington's poster
> child for the criminally insane. I
> read your work.
TOM: I laughed for hours.
> CHASE
> I'm flattered. Not every girl makes
> a super-hero's night table. You
> might have some interesting insights
> into Two-Face.
>
> BATMAN
> Why's that?
CROW: Because you're both twisted freaks.
> CHASE
> Let's just say I could write a hell
> of a paper on a grown man who
> dresses like a flying rodent.
>
> BATMAN
> Bats aren't rodents, Dr. Meridian.
MIKE: They're family.
CROW: *I* thought they were rodents.
> CHASE
> I didn't know that. See? You _are_
> interesting. And call me Chase. By
> the way, do you have a first name? Or
> do I just call you bats?
MIKE: Oh, all my friends call me 'Man.'
> GORDON
> May I remind you two we have a
> psychopathic murderer on the loose
> here?
CROW: Not to mention Two-Face.
> A titanic BOOM rocks the night.
TOM: The microphone swings wildly, hitting people in the head left and
right.
> 48 SEARCHLIGHTS race up the skeletal skyscraper to REVEAL.. 48
>
> A giant CRANE and WRECKING BALL. The wrecking ball
> SMASHES again into the bank building.
CROW: Great, we're in some investment commercial.
> 49 INT. BANK OF GOTHAM - NIGHT 49
>
> The already crumbling wall behind Two Face EXPLODES. Two-
> Face checks his watch, unfazed, as the giant wrecking
> ball CRASHES into the room within inches of the villain.
>
> TWO-FACE
> Right on schedule.
TOM: Well at least the wrecking balls run on time in this city.
> Two-Face's men scramble to the hole, attach chains to...
CROW: Madonna, who enjoys the experience immensely.
> 50 EXT. CONSTRUCTION SITE - NIGHT (CONTINUOUS) 50
>
> ...an even thicker chain dangling 30 stories from the
> roof of the construction site.
CROW: Ah, close enough.
> FOLLOW THE CHAIN UP as it yanks tight, revealing...
> A BLACKHAWK HELICOPTER already atop the construction
> site, perched on steel beams. REVVING its mighty rotors.
>
> 51 A giant winch aboard the Blackhawk starts to haul the 51
> safe chain over pulleys up into a cargo hatch.
TOM: He's getting 2 mil for this? He just blew it all on wrecking
balls and helicopter fuel.
MIKE: He's insane, he's not an economist.
CROW: *I* wasn't aware there was a difference.
> 52 INT. - SECOND BANK OF GOTHAM. 22ND FLOOR, NIGHT 52
>
> Thug 1 stares out the window.
>
> THUG 1
> The Bat's taking the bait! What now?
TOM: Set the hook! Reel that sucker in!
> 53 Harvey flips the coin. 53
>
> 54 FOLLOW THE COIN as Two-Face snatches it from mid-air, 54
> slaps it on his wrist. Bad side up.
>
> 55 ANGLE ON - Two-Face's left side. Scarred, gloating evil. 55
>
> TWO-FACE
> At last, The Bat dies!
TOM: What would happen if someone slipped Harvey a coin with no
blemished sides?
MIKE: A shorter movie.
ALL: *sigh* ...
> The chains suddenly yank the safe towards the hole in the
> wall. Thug 2 gestures to the Guard on the floor.
>
> THUG 2
> What about him?
>
> TWO-FACE
> Kill him too.
>
> Thug 2, grinning, draws a GUN from his waistband.
>
> GUARD
> Wait! You said you'd let me go!
>
> TWO-FACE
> Never heard of a double-cross?
TOM: Ha ... KILL HIM!
> 56 A DING from the elevators. 56
>
> The Thugs and Harvey all whirl,
CROW: In perfect harmony.
> machine guns coming up,
> open FIRE, armor piercing bullets punching holes in the
> metal doors, shredding anyone inside.
>
> THE GUARD lays bound on the floor. Suddenly a clamp-ended
> bat-cable drops from above. With a tiny CLICK, the smart-
> clamp hooks onto the Guard's wrist bindings.
>
> 57 ELEVATORS 57
>
> HARVEY AND THUGS empty magazines. Re-load.
CROW: Live, Harvey and the Thugs!
> TWO-FACE
> Come on in, the water's fine.
CROW: But the plot is terrible.
> All stand watching as the now perforated elevator doors
> slide, jerking, open to reveal...an empty elevator.
TOM: A screaming Diana Muldaur falls by.
> The skylight overhead EXPLODES and, in a rain of glass,
> Batman drops to the floor on a Batrope.
CROW: Is there a rule that Batman has to waste one skylight a movie?
MIKE: It's in his contract.
> 58 THE GUARD is apparently attached to the Batrope's other 58
> end because, as the Caped Crusader comes down, the Guard
> shoots up, hoisted fast to the safe rooftop above.
>
> 59 FIRE DOORS 59
TOM: HIRE NEW ONES.
> BLOW open. Two SWAT teams burst in, armed for bear.
CROW: What was that about Grizzly crimes?
> SWAT LEADER
> Police! Freeze!
>
> TWO-FACE
> Not the guest list we had in mind.
> Boys, the party's over.
>
> Two-Face drops a SMOKE GRENADE. Then he leaps directly
> out the hole in the wall. His Thugs take off after him.
TOM: Psycho criminal. Two SWAT officers. Problem?
> 60 EXT. CONSTRUCTION SITE - NIGHT (CONTINUOUS) 60
>
> The Thugs come leaping through the hole, using the now
> rising safe as a springboard to close the windy gap, roll
> to safety on the construction site next door. They
> scatter, begin scaling various beams and girders.
MIKE: Hey, hey, it's the Monkees.
TOM: No, it's the Flunkys!
> 61 INT. BANK 61
>
> Swat Teams race through the smoke in close pursuit, come
> up short at the edge of the urban precipice. The safe has
> risen too high, now, to serve as a springboard, so the
> cops drop, begin FIRING across the gap. Suddenly...
>
> A DARK WING explodes out of the smoke behind them, flying
> across the abyss.
TOM: Which Nietzche peers into.
> 62 INT. CONSTRUCTION SIGHT 62
>
> A Thug fires at the figure hurling towards him. Batman
> lands on the Thug's chest, smashing him to the floor.
>
> Suddenly, from above, BULLETS CRACK off the girders
> beside the Caped Crusader's head.
CROW: And girders crack beneath his feet.
TOM: Oh, aren't *we* optimistic.
> 63 REVERSE ANGLE 63
>
> TWO-FACE glides upward, riding the wrecking ball as it
> overtakes the safe, shooting down at Batman.
>
> 64 BATMAN starts scaling the scaffolding after Two-Face. 64
> He's climbing fast but Harvey has too great a lead.
>
> 65 BATMAN - POV. A motorized gantry is carrying one of the 65
> Thugs up to the roof.
>
> 66 Batman FIRES a Batarang. The bat-shaped clamp bites into 66
> the wooden base of the rising gantry.
>
> He toggles the launcher into winch mode, is hoisted fast
> towards the rising gantry above.
>
> 67 ON THE GANTRY 67
MIKE: Elmer?
> The riding Thug leans down, sees the rising shadow, grabs
> the Batrope in both hands and flips over the gantry.
>
> 68 ON THE BATROPE 68
>
> The Thug slides fast down to kicking range, draws back
> his boot to dispatch Batman.
>
> Batman hits a switch on his launcher, increasing the
> winch speed, shooting him higher, faster. He grabs the
> Thug's foot in his hand, shoves him up so his head CRACKS
> against the bottom of the gantry. Batman swings the
> unconscious Thug onto a hanging construction hook,
> leaving him dangling in mid-air by his nose ring, hoists
> himself up onto...
CROW: I think this is the first time I've ever seen gratuitious
construction equipment.
> 69 THE GANTRY 69
>
> From the scaffolding above, a Thug drops to one end of
> the gantry, nun-chucks spinning madly.
TOM: How many nuns would a nun-chuck chuck if a nun-chuck could chuck
nuns?
> Behind Batman, another Thug drops INTO FRAME, drawing a
> machine pistol.
MIKE: As opposed to an organically-grown pistol?
TOM: Trapped in the frame, he fires helplessly.
> Batman reaches forward, grabs the Thug's spinning nun-
> chuck, stunning his face with the wooden sticks. In a
> single move, Batman spins and lets the weapon fly into
> the pistoled assailant, knocking him flat.
CROW: Another two-dimensional character.
> 70 BATMAN - POV. Two-Face has reached the chopper. 70
>
> 71 INT. HELICOPTER - NIGHT 71
>
> Two-Face climbs into the chopper's cargo bay.
>
> TWO-FACE
> (to the pilot)
> Let's fly.
TOM: Please fasten your seatbelts. Your movie for this flight is
"Sybil."
> 72 EXT. GANTRY - NIGHT 72
>
> Batman sees the helicopter start to rise, pulling the
> safe overhead along with it.
>
> 73 Batman jumps, drops through the abyss between the two 73
> buildings, landing on...
MIKE: The camera man!
> 74 A HIGH TENSION WIRE - CLOSE. The wire bends like a bow, 74
> shooting Batman like an arrow straight into the air.
CROW: Into the helicopter blades which turn him into sauerkraut. The
movie ends. We throw up, and we're outa here.
TOM: No.
MIKE: Anyone else have a problem with the physics involved here?
CROW: Beyond the fact that the cliches and serendipity are pushing
maximum density, you mean?
> 75 Batman grabs the rising chain, slides down it's links so 75
> he is standing atop the safe.
>
> 76 He FIRES a Batarang into the bank wall, making an anchor, 76
> attaches the Bat-cable to the hitch atop the safe.
CROW: So he can do a bat-stunt.
> 77 INT. HELICOPTER - NIGHT 77
>
> The chopper is straining against Batman's bank-embedded
> tether. Two-Face looks down in fury.
>
> TWO-FACE
> The man is taking his job
> _much too seriously_.
TOM: But you're the model of good-natured humor, eh linguini-puss?
> 78 EXT. TOP OF SAFE - NIGHT 78
>
> Batman palms a compartment on his utility belt and a
> small delivery mechanism SNAPS a tiny acetylene torch
> into his gloved hand.
>
> A BLUE FLAME ignites.
CROW: His cape.
> Batman starts to cut the chains.
>
> 79 EXT. CONSTRUCTION SITE - NIGHT 79
>
> Batman's torch slices the last link. Batman reaches up
> and grabs the winch chain, is jerked suddenly upward with
> the now un-tethered chopper as...
>
> 80 THE SAFE 80
>
> now freed, swings like a pendulum on it's anchor line,
> arcing straight for the hole in the bank wall from which
> it was originally drawn.
MIKE: Jeez ... most people just draw *checks* from a bank!
> 81 INT. BANK BUILDING 81
>
> The safe comes flying through the hole, sliding across the
> floor and SLAMMING back into place before the bewildered
> faces of the SWAT team.
CROW: Batman has a court appearance tomorrow to have his name legally
changed to "Serendipity Man".
> 82 INT. HELICOPTER - NIGHT 82
>
> Two-Face stares out the side of the chopper.
MIKE: He doesn't believe it, either.
> TWO-FACE
> That was our money.
>
> Two-Face grabs the controls from the pilot.
>
> TWO-FACE
> He wants to play. Fine, let's play.
CROW: Get out the cards!
> 83 Two-Face pulls back on the throttle, the chopper shooting 83
> straight up into the sky like a rocket.
>
> 84 EXT. GOTHAM SKY - NIGHT 84
>
> Batman hangs from the chain, trailing the chopper, a wing
> of shadowy quicksilver disappearing into the night.
TOM: Crashing into the road below, ending his life, and we're outta
here.
MIKE: I wish you guys would stop that.
> 85 EXT. ARKHAM SQUARE - NIGHT - ESTABLISHING 85
>
> Gotham's Times Square. Tall. Narrow. The crawl of bumper-
> to-bumper traffic. Glutted with neon signs and giant
> animated billboards.
TOM: It's Tokyo but with less taste!
MIKE: I thought that was Las Vegas.
> 86 The helicopter ROARS into view. BATMAN hangs on for dear 86
> life as the city rushes past.
>
> 87 A SERIES OF SHOTS as street folks look up in wonder. 87
TOM: I wonder how much longer this fight scene goes on?
CROW: [facing MIKE] Fight scene, Mike.
TOM: [same] Fight scene, Mike.
MIKE: [baffled] Am I missing something?
CROW: Yes, and you should be glad.
> 88 SIGN - CLOSE. For Ginsu Knives. A couple of giant hands 88
> make fast work of a steak on a smoking barbecue.
>
> The chopper swings Batman _through_ the ad, falling blades
> just missing him, dragging him through the thick smoke.
TOM: How very Adam West of them.
> The chopper swings across the square, heading for...
>
> 89 ANOTHER SIGN - CLOSE. This time a tremendous set of 89
> clacking teeth turn yellow to white each time the cap
> lifts off of a giant tube of toothpaste.
TOM: Oh, God . . .
> 90 The chopper barrels straight for the opening mouth. 90
>
> At the last moment the chopper banks, whipping the
> dangling Batman inside the mouth.
MIKE: Over the lips and through the gums ...
CROW: God, I really need some Tums.
> 91 The mouth closes on the Caped Crusader. 91
TOM: I *really* hope they don't find a billboard for Preparation H.
> 92 The chopper pulls away, the chain pulling like floss 92
> through the closed teeth.
MIKE: They should do that *twice* a day, you know.
> 93 INT. MOUTH 93
>
> Batman, still clutching the chain, is flying towards the
> barricade of closed teeth.
>
> 94 EXT. ARKHAM SQUARE - MOUTH SIGN 94
>
> Batman SMASHES through the two front teeth.
ALL: o/~ All I want for Christmas is my two front teeth ... o/~
> 95 BATMAN - CLOSE. His face suddenly bathed in an ever 95
> brightening yellow glow.
MIKE: Nasty case of jaundice, Bruce.
> 96 INT. CHOPPER 96
>
> TWO-FACE'S POV - THROUGH THE WINDSHIELD
>
> Dead ahead, another sign. This one is essentially a giant
> neon sun, the Wayne Tech logo burning bright yellows and
> reds over the message Solar: The Power of the Future.
>
> 97 Harvey GUNS the chopper's engines. 97
>
> PILOT
TOM: About ...
> Face!!!
CROW: Forward, march!
> 98 EXT. GOTHAM SKY 98
>
> The chopper BLOWS straight through the nova, neon
> EXPLODING like stars in all directions.
TOM: And metaphor flying left and right.
> 99 INT. HELICOPTER 99
>
> As the Pilot, in the b.g. regains control of the chopper,
> Harvey walks to the hold, looks down through the hatch at
> the dangling chain below. No Batman.
TOM: Hey, no Batman, no movie!
MIKE: No such luck.
> TWO-FACE
> Ah, to finally be rid of that pointy
> eared, steroid eating, rubber
> suited, cross dressing, night rat...
CROW: It's nice to know he's not bitter or anything.
MIKE: Yeah. His stay at Arkham did him a world of good.
> 100 THROUGH THE WINDSHIELD 100
>
> a familiar blue cape falls down over the plexi-glass.
CROW: Superman!
MIKE: That's a red cape, Crow.
CROW: Hey, I can dream.
> PILOT
> Uh...boss....
>
> Harvey spins, draws his machine pistol.
>
> PILOT
> No!
>
> Too late. Harvey SPRAYS wildly,
TOM: I hope they mean SPRAYS with the GUN.
MIKE: Just don't think about it.
> blowing holes in the
> windshield and Pilot as well.
CROW: Who died without ever even getting a name.
> 101 EXT. HELICOPTER 101
>
> The cape slips off the windscreen
>
> 102 INT. HELICOPTER 102
>
> The chopper dives. Two-Face staggers towards the pilot's
> chair. He rests free the corpse, regains control.
>
> A FIST SMASHES through the side window into Harvey's jaw.
>
> BATMAN
> Harvey, you need help. Give it up.
CROW: [Arsenio Hall voice] Let's give it up for Harvey Dent!
> 103 EXT. HELICOPTER 103
>
> Batman stands on one of the struts, begins trying to
> climb into the open side of the speeding bird.
>
> TWO-FACE
> Words of wisdom from our ex-friend?
>
> Harvey SLAMS Batman's face with his foot. He goes down.
>
> TWO-FACE
> Mano a Mano a Bato.
CROW: A plotto a crappo.
> Batman pulls himself back up. Grabs Harvey's foot. Flips
> him to the floor. Drags him half way out of the bird.
>
> BATMAN
> Surrender.
MIKE: Dorothy!
> TWO-FACE
> Ever been to Arkham, Batman? You'd
> feel right at home. You took a year
> of my life. So I'm here to pay you
> back. There's only one way out of
> this waltz. One of us dies.
>
> BATMAN
> I won't kill you, Harvey.
CROW: Well, that's pretty much decided this fight.
> Batman gets Harvey by the throat.
>
> TWO-FACE
> Batman doesn't kill? Bullshit.
> (epiphinous)
> You're a killer too.
>
> Somehow Harvey's words seem to shake Batman a beat. It's
> all the distraction Harvey needs. He SMASHES Batman
> across the face.
>
> Batman slips, falls out of sight.
>
> 104 WINDSHIELD - CLOSE. Lady Gotham is coming up fast. 104
>
> 105 EXT. HELICOPTER 105
>
> Batman hangs by one hand from the support strut, the bird
> hurling towards the giant statue.
>
> 106 INT. HELICOPTER 106
>
> Harvey locks "The Club" onto the controls, fixing the
> chopper on it's deadly course.
CROW: Why does he have "The Club" in the helicopter?
MIKE: Chopper-jackings.
> 107 Batman hoists himself into the chopper through the open 107
> side in time to see Harvey standing over the cargo hatch.
>
> TWO-FACE
> Goodbye old pal.
>
> With that Harvey leaps through the cargo hatch.
>
> 108 Batman stares frozen in disbelief as Two-Face plummets to 108
> the dark water below.
TOM: Where he's picked up by the pirates.
> 109 Then a sudden flurry of expanding color caught in Lady 109
> Gotham's lighthouse beam, and a parachute opens over Two-
> Face, unfolding into a giant Yin-Yang.
CROW: Ah ...
MIKE: No.
> 110 BATMAN - POV - The windshield SHATTERS into the statue. 110
>
> 111 EXT. HELICOPTER - LADY GOTHAM - NIGHT 111
>
> The helicopter EXPLODES into the left side of Lady
> Gotham's face. A tremendous fireball splits the night.
TOM: Into two even halves.
> 112 EXT. GOTHAM SKY - NIGHT 112
>
> Batman is falling. Still. Eyes closed. Maybe dead.
MIKE: We can only hope.
> FLASHES OF
CROW: Hope? The final credits? A break in the film?
> 113 (OVER) A SCREAM. Two SHOTS. A pair of roses hit pavement. 113
TOM: Nuts. There's more.
> 114 A BOY runs through a storm, a book clutched in his hands. 114
CROW: He's taking the Gutenberg for a walk, how cute.
> 115 A FALL down a narrow stone chute, into a cave. 115
>
> 116 A BAT, huge, evil, SCREECHING. 116
CROW: AN AUDIENCE, unable to believe they paid to see this CRAP.
> TWO-FACE'S WORDS (OVER) - "YOU'RE A KILLER TOO."
>
> 117 BATMAN FALLING - CLOSE 117
>
> Batman plummets towards the water. His eyes open.
TOM: So do his bowels.
> 118 EXT. GOTHAM HARBOR (CONTINUOUS) 118
>
> Batman SPLASHES into the harbor. Dark. Still.
>
> Then, a familiar cowl breaks the surface, GASPING for
> breath. Batman stares up at the sky.
> 119 PAN UP 119
>
> Lady Gotham's one beautiful face now burns the night.
CROW: Giving it first degree burns.
MIKE: One beautiful face?
> 120 INT. WAYNE ENTERPRISES - NIGHT 120
>
> Dark, save the light from a single cubicle.
>
> 121 INT. EDWARD'S WORK STATION - NIGHT 121
>
> Edward sits hunched over his desk, working on his
> invention. Sweat beads his brow, lips MUMBLING furiously.
>
> EDWARD
> (obsessive repetition)
> Too many questions. Too many
> questions.
CROW: How many roads must a man walk down? Is the bear Catholic? Does
the Pope --
MIKE: *Hold* it!
CROW: Sorry. Got carried away.
> Edward glances up at the picture of Bruce Wayne.
>
> EDWARD
> I'll show you it works.
>
> STICKLEY (O.S.)
> What the hell is going on here?
TOM: Why, I'm preparing to become a supervillain. And you?
> Stickley stands before Edward's cubicle. Not happy.
>
> STICKLEY
> Your project is terminated. I'm
> calling security.
TOM: Fine. You call security, I'll call one of those 1-900 numbers.
> Stickley turns to go. Mistake. Edward CRACKS Stickley on
> the head with a coffee pot. Down he goes.
>
> EDWARD
> Caffine'll kill you.
CROW: I liked it better when he was just being pathetic.
> 122 INT. EDWARD'S CUBICLE - MINUTES LATER 122
>
> Stickley awakens to find himself strapped in a swivel
> chair. Edward is placing an elaborate computerized
> headband over Stickley's head. (OVER) a small TV hooked
> into Edward's contraption runs a fishing show.
>
> EDWARD
> This won't hurt a bit.
> (musing)
> At least I don't think it will.
>
> Edward reaches for a small transceiver fused to the TV.
>
> STICKLEY
> Goddamnit, you press that button
> and-
ALL: Not the wed one! Nevew pwess the wed one!
> 123 Too late. A green beam explodes from the TV screen, 123
> engulfing Stickley.
>
> 124 IN THE BEAM - a small holographic representation of the 124
> fisherman reeling in a prize bass.
> 125 STICKLEY - POV - As far as Fred is concerned he's on the 125
> shore, the fisherman's catch flapping in his face.
MIKE: And this is Ed's idea of entertainment?
> 126 The TV signals begin to waver and tremble. 126
>
> EDWARD
> Loosing resolution. More power.
CROW: [Scotty Voice] I canna give ye more power, Cap'n!
> He increases the power toggle. BACKFIRE. A sudden white
> light shoots back into the TV and up, surrounding Ed.
>
> STICKLEY - CLOSE. His eyes dull, glaze over.
TOM: He must be watching Fox.
> EDWARD - CLOSE. The effect on him seems to be quite the
> opposite. Invigorating, sexual.
MIKE: Like every other thing in this movie. Geez, these people would be
aroused by broccoli!
CROW: I didn't need to think about that.
> THE BEAM-FLARES. A tiny nova. Overload. Both men SCREAM.
> All light vanishes.
>
> EDWARD - CLOSE. His face buried in his hands.
>
> Edward peers up from his hands.
CROW: He realizes his fingernails are a sight!
> Look into his eyes. One thing is sure. Edward Nygma has
> gone power mad, totally insane.
MIKE: So there isn't much of a change.
> EDWARD
> (game show host)
> Fred Stickley. Come on down. You're
> the next contestant on I Want Your
> Brain.
CROW: Is it behind Neuron Number 1, Neuron Number 2, or Neuron Number 3?
> (Wayne-like)
TOM: So, he's gotten boring.
> Nygma your machine has unexpected
> side effects. A feed back loop has
> caused your brain to absorb
> Stickley's neural energy.
> (hyper)
> Stickley, I've had a break-
> through! And a breakdown? Maybe.
> Nevertheless. I'm smarter. Hell, I'm
> a genius. More than a genius.
> Several geniuses. Genae. Genie.
>
> Ed rises, BABBLES a dazed Fred's lips with his finger.
>
> EDWARD
> (short order cook)
> Yo. Charlie. Gimmie an order of
> brain deep-fry. Extra well done.
> Hold the neurons.
> (a scientist)
> Patient exhibits symptoms of psycho
> neural overload. Notation: obviously
> higher settings can be dangerous to
> the subject.
> (pacing)
> Riddle me this, Fred. What is
> everything to someone and nothing to
> everyone else? Your mind of course.
> And now mine pumps with the power of
> yours.
> (urban)
> New from Brain-bok. Da pump. Think
> faster. Reason higher. Out-cog-nate
> every homey on the court of life. Da
> pump. Yeah.
> (Shakespearian)
> Ho! Mark. I sense an odd penchant
> for the anagramatic. The acrostic.
> The crypto-graphic. What doth this
> bode? Answer me Marcutio, you little
> runt.
> (gourmet)
> Fred, I must confess you were a
> wonderful appetizer. Simply divine.
> But now I yearn for a meal of
> substance. The main course. A wide
> and varied palette. Ah, to taste the
> mind of a hero. A nobleman. A poet.
> (Groucho)
> A chick in a short skirt wouldn't be
> so bad either.
TOM: Well, he's earned HIS paycheck.
CROW: When does he start looking for lost pets?
> STICKLEY
> ...Fired...your fired...your fired.
> You understand?! Fired!!
>
> EDWARD
> I don't think so.
>
> Edward savagely sends Stickley careening across the slick
> floor still strapped to the swivel chair.
>
> 127 Stickley heads straight for the huge round window. 127
>
> 128 Edward seems like he has regrets as he dashes after 128
> Stickley. The chair...
> 129 SMASHES THROUGH THE ROUND WINDOW 129
>
> It teeters on the edge of the building, dam and RUSHING
> water below. Stickley is being held on the precipice by
> the long wire attached to his headband. It is really only
> this that Edward came to save.
TOM: Save them, and trade them with your friends!
> 130 EDWARD 130
> Fred. Babe. _You_ are fired. Or should
> I say Terminated!
>
> He yanks the invention from Stickley's head and he
> crashes below to certain death. Ed races back to...
MIKE: The pop machine. His latest Jolt buzz is wearing off.
> 131 EDWARD'S CUBICLE 131
>
> EDWARD
> Question marks, Mr. Wayne?
>
> He stands staring at the picture of Bruce Wayne.
>
> EDWARD
> My work raises too many question
> marks?
>
MIKE: I think Mr. Wayne was pretty clear about that, Ed.
> In a frenzy, Edward begins tearing up the magazines lying
> on his desk, ripping out individual words, pasting them
> quickly onto a blank piece of paper.
TOM: Woozle blowtorch noogie kneecap . . .
> EDWARD
> Two years. 3.5762 percent of my
> estimated lifespan toiling for your
> greater glory and profit.
>
> He SMASHES the framed GQ cover of Bruce on the floor.
>
> EDWARD
> Well, let me ask you some questions,
> Mr. Smarter Than Thou. Why are you
> so debonair? Successful? Richer than
> God? Why should you have it all and
> not me? Yes, you're right, there are
> too many questions, Bruce Wayne.
MIKE: Yeah, why couldn't I lose my parents, be traumatized, and spend
the rest of my life wearing a batsuit and fighting colorful
schizophrenics!
> Edward STOMPS on the picture, pulverizing the glass.
>
> EDWARD
> Like why hasn't anybody put you in
> your place? And it's time you came
> up with some answers. Starting right
> now!
>
> A SERIES OF IMAGES-
>
> 132 (OVER) A SCREAM. SHOTS. Roses fall to the pavement. 132
CROW: We ought to stop and smell them some time.
> 133 A YOUNG BOY stands staring into a parlor where two 133
> coffins rest. Thomas and Martha Wayne. Dead leaves whip
> through the hallway.
>
> 134 SMALL HANDS touch a leather bound book. Suddenly the 134
> pages are splattered with blood. Wind blows out two
> flickering candles.
MIKE: Clive Barker's "Books of Blood."
> 135 THE BOY runs through a dark, stormy night, the book 135
> clutched in his hands. He slips. A sinkhole.
>
> 136 A FALL down a narrow chute. The boy lands in a dark cave. 136
>
> 137 A GIANT MONARCH BAT, fangs bared, SCREECHES towards us. 137
TOM: Monarch bat? What is that, like a monarch butterfly.
CROW: More of a moron butterfly. Didn't we just see this flashback?
> TWO-FACE (V.O.)
> You're a killer too.
TOM: We know! Stop with the voice-overs!
> 138 INT. WAYNE MANOR - BRUCE'S BEDROOM - MORNING 138
>
> In his bed, Bruce wakes, trying to blink away the images.
> Alfred draws the curtains, welcoming rich autumn sun.
>
> ALFRED
> The dreams again, sir?
>
> BRUCE
> I think they're getting worse.
TOM: The hamsters have started playing accordions.
> ALFRED
> It's a wonder you sleep at all.
>
> As Bruce sits up, Alfred notices a fresh set of bruises.
>
> ALFRED
> What a marvelous shade of purple.
TOM: Visting Madame Kitty's House of Discipline again, Master Bruce?
> Bruce shoots him a look.
CROW: Which ricochets off of his face.
> ALFRED
> Really, sir, if you insist on trying
> to get yourself killed each night.
MIKE: If I was trying to get myself killed, I'd be dead by now!
> Alfred picks up Bruce's carelessly-tossed Batsuit from
> the floor. Ripped, dented, punctured.
CROW: Folded, spindled, mutilated.
> ALFRED
> ...Would it be a terrible imposition
> to ask you to take better care of
> your equipment?
>
> BRUCE
> Then you'd have nothing to complain
> about.
>
> ALFRED
> Hardly a worry, sir.
TOM: I'm just an underpaid menial working for a psychotic who runs
around at night getting beaten to a pulp by madmen.
> Alfred brings a robe, holds it out for Bruce.
>
> ALFRED
> Commissioner Gordon phoned. There's
> been an accident at Wayne
> Enterprises.
CROW: The real plot was found beaten and tied up in the breakroom.
> 139 INT. - WAYNE ENTERPRISES - MORNING 139
>
> As the window is replaced in b.g., Edward Nygma stands
> SOBBING before the head of personnel. With augmented
> brain power apparently comes augmented acting talent.
CROW: But not enough to save the movie.
> EDWARD
> (inconsolable)
> Why? Oh, why? I can't believe it.
> Two years. Working in the same
> office. Shoulder to shoulder, cheek
> to cheek,
MIKE: Heart to heart, Satchel to Paige!
> ---we're talking face, by
> the way---and then this.
>
> (handing her a note)
> I found this in my cubicle. You'll
> find the handwriting matches his
> exactly as does sentence structure
> and spelling.
TOM: Ah, the wonders of Microsoft SuicideNoteWriter 2.0 for Windows!
> (suddenly sobbing again)
> I couldn't possibly continue on
> here. The memories. I'll just get my
> things.
>
> 140 ANOTHER ANGLE 140
>
> Edward slips out a side door, quickly avoiding Bruce and
> Gordon as they walk towards Bruce's office.
>
> GORDON
> We've questioned everyone who worked
> on the floor. Computer records show
> no one going in or out after
> Stickley.
>
> BRUCE
> Computer records can be forged.
> I'll have my people pull up --
CROW: My shorts and give me the wedgie from hell!
> A cop hands Gordon the forged note.
CROW: If he knows its forged, why is he giving it to the commissioner?
MIKE: Lovely, a script for the plot-impaired.
TOM: *Written* by the plot-impaired.
> GORDON
> Suicide. With all due respect, leave
> the police work to us. We'll be in
> touch.
>
> As the Commissioner exits, Bruce heads into his office,
> followed by his secretary, MARGARET.
>
> 141 INT. BRUCE'S OFFICE (CONTINUOUS) 141
>
> MARGARET
> The society matrons of Gotham have
> called a record thirty-two times.
> Not to mention the press. I think
> that if they don't know soon who you
> plan to take to the charity circus,
> the world will most surely come to
> an end.
TOM: Ah, the Four Dates of the Apocalypse.
> Bruce notices an envelope on his desk.
CROW: Nothing gets past Brucie-boy!
> BRUCE
> What's this?
CROW: I take that back.
> MARGARET
> I don't know. I didn't see anyone...
>
> BRUCE
> No postmark. No stamp.
TOM: A threatening letter sent postage due.
> Bruce opens the envelope.
>
> 142 LETTER - CLOSE. A photo of Bruce. Below: letters cut from 142
> newspapers and magazines read:
>
> (RIDDLE#1) (to be written)
> signed -The Riddler
MIKE: Hey, the script isn't finished!
TOM: They'll just use RiddleWriter for Windows NT from Microsoft and
insert it via OLE.
CROW: Then the entire Riddle will crash their network for a week!
> 143 Bruce raises an eyebrow. 143
MIKE: Interesting exercise regimen.
CROW: Forehead by Soloflex!
> BRUCE
> The Riddler? Why can't anyone in
> this town have a normal name?
CROW: Now this constitutes a perspective problem.
> Phone RINGS. Bruce hits a switch and a desk video-phone
> lights into life. Alfred.
>
> ALFRED
> Channel 12, sir.
>
> Bruce presses a button and Alfred's image shrinks to a
> small box in the corner,
TOM: Crushing him to death.
> superimposed atop a TV picture.
>
> 144 ON SCREEN - 144
>
> A talk show in progress. A radiant black host: VONDELLE
> MILLIONS talks to a panel of experts.
CROW: "The Riddler" is downright Minnesotan compared to "Vondelle
Millions".
> VONDELLE
> --joined us, we're talking about the
> mutilation of Lady Gotham, caused
> late last night by Batman-
>
> 145 BRUCE 145
> _Excuse_ me?!
TOM: *burp!* Shouldn't've had Mexican for breakfast!
> VONDELLE
> -- will take up to nine months to
> repair. Today's topic: Batman-crime-
> fighter or criminal?
>
> BATMAN
> How 'bout Two-Face? Anyone here
> heard of him?
ALL: Who?
> The shot WIDENS to reveal the panel.
>
> 146 ON SCREEN - Our first expert: DR. JANISLAUS ROYCE. 146
>
> ROYCE
> Batman is a major cause of crime in
> Gotham. So-called super-villains
> seek him out hoping to prove
> themselves in violent conflict.
> Batman does not deter crime, he
> invites it.
CROW: He serves it afternoon tea with croissants.
> VONDELLE
> I'm sure our audience objects to
> your gender bias. Batperson.
CROW: Batman wears an outfit that makes him look laminated, and she's
*not* *sure* it's a *guy*?
> The second expert PIPES in, DR. DAVID AIMS.
TOM: Readys!
> AIMS
TOM: Fires!
> What is the Dark Knight's credo?
MIKE: You gotta fight for your right to party!
> Batman does not kill? What of those
> slain during his fight with Jack
> Napier aka Joker? Or in his
> Christmas conflict with the orphan
> Cobblepot? Batman belongs behind
> bars, not his morally disadvantaged
> victims.
>
> CHASE (O.S.)
>
> Bull (bleep)!
CROW: Oh, don't step in the bull (bleep) it'll mess up your new boots!
> 147 WIDER 147
>
> Chase sits at the end of the panel.
>
> VONDELLE
> What did you say?
>
> CHASE
> Which part of the word didn't you
> understand?
TOM: The (bleep) part, actually.
> 148 Watching, Bruce sits a little straighter, more hopeful. 148
MIKE: I hope they're referring to his spine.
> BRUCE
> I could like this woman.
MIKE: I'm trapped in space, and I couldn't like this woman.
TOM: Really makes you miss Nuveena?
MIKE: Shut up.
> 149 CHASE 149
> Batman is a _reaction_ to the crime in
> this city, not a creator of it!
> Without him many more would be dead.
> Batman is a true hero...
>
> VONDELLE
> Hey, Doc, got the hots for Batman?
>
> HOOTS and HOLLERS from the audience.
>
> CHASE - CLOSE. Busted.
TOM: In a Wonder Bra!
> 150 On screen, a graphic: BATMAN: CRIMEFIGHTER OR CRIMINAL? 150
>
> VONDELLE
> What do you think? Call us at...
>
> A HAND reaches up and SNAPS off the TV. The screen goes
> black to reveal a reflection in the glass: Two-Face.
>
> PULL BACK TO REVEAL
>
> INT. TWO-FACE'S HIDEOUT - DAY
>
> Two-Face turns away, disgusted.
MIKE: And disgusting.
> TWO-FACE
> Batman, Batman, Batman. God, we want
> that man's blood on our hands.
>
> 151 WIDER 151
>
> LEATHER sits to one side of Harvey. Ruby lipstick, tight
> leather outfit, a choker o spikes, razor blade earrings,
> stroking a muzzled black doberman.
CROW: Well, she's ready for High Mass.
> LEATHER
> Oh you are most obscene, my
> frightful grotesque.
CROW: Oh, baby, you make me feel so good . . .
> Another set of arms entwine Two-Face.
>
> LACE, a submissive blonde in Victoria's Secret's lacy
> best nuzzles his good side, pets a white kitten.
>
> LACE
> Don't listen to her. You're every
> girl's dream.
MIKE: Until she can afford Prozac.
> LEATHER
> Waste Dorothy and Toto here, you and
> me can get down to business.
>
> Harvey SLAPS Leather, hard.
>
> LEATHER
> Harder, baby. Hit me again.
>
> TWO-FACE
> No.
> LEATHER
> (hotter still)
> Sadist.
MIKE: Ah, yes, ANOTHER dysfunctional bat-relationship.
> He turns now to Lace, caresses her face gently.
>
> WIDEN TO REVEAL
>
> Two-Face's hideaway, divided straight down the middle.
> Lace's half is all light and order. Leather's domain
> looks like an S&M club.
MIKE: All right, that's it. Since when the hell did Batman become some
... fetishistic fantasy for twisted mutilated members of the legal
profession?
CROW: Feel better?
MIKE: Yes. Immensely.
TOM: Well, hang in there, because there's more of the scriptwriters
crippled fantasy life to come.
> TWO-FACE
> Too many bats to fry to think about
> fun. We wanna take him apart limb by
> hyper-extended limb. Feel his bones
> crunch in our hands. Beat him until
> he's as black and blue as that
> ridiculous rubber suit.
CROW: Harvey knows the importance of setting goals and sticking to them!
TOM: I bet he has this in his Day-Timer.
MIKE: But only on one side.
> Without thinking, Harvey steps over the Laceland. His
> demeanor instantly changes, now more reasoned and calm.
>
> TWO-FACE
> On the other hand, perhaps something
> slow, a delicious incursion of
> despair, a campaign to shatter his
> psyche and bring him crumbling to
> his knees.
>
> He wanders back across to Leatherland.
MIKE: Laceland. That might be the kind of place EuroDisney needs to
boost sales!
> TWO-FACE
> Hell. Why wait? Rupture his organs.
> Shatter his spine. Still have time
> for a late dinner.
>
> Back in Laceland.
>
> TWO-FACE
> But simple murder? It's just too
> damn simple. Besides, it's been
> done. No. We need a plan.
MIKE: But his other side had a plan! Sure, it involved physical
mutilation, but it was a plan!
TOM: Mike, you are getting way too into this.
> Back to Leatherland.
>
> TWO-FACE
> Yes. Something senseless, brutal,
> savage, violent.
TOM: Like the Contract With America.
> Back to Laceland, stopping to add...
>
> TWO-FACE
> Yet witty.
MIKE: This act is getting real old real fast.
CROW: I sense he's of two minds on this killing Batman thing.
TOM: [Hits Mike] Pass it down.
MIKE: [Sits there, ignoring Tom]
> 152 EXT. WAYNE MANOR - NIGHT 152
>
> Edward peddles a bicycle down a service road towards
> Wayne Manor, an envelope jutting from his shirt pocket.
>
> 153 INT. BATCAVE - NIGHT 153
>
> Alfred stands over a cage of bats. A hand-held scanner
> producing distance readings.
>
> Bruce sits before his Master Console.
>
> BRUCE
> How's the sonar coming, Alfred?
>
> ALFRED
> A few hitches sir, but I'm confident
> we'll have a prototype in no time.
MIKE: So Alfred is also R&D?
CROW: Repressed and dysfunctional?
> BRUCE
> It'll never work.
>
> ALFRED
> I believe you said the same thing
> about the Batmobile.
CROW: He designs sonar, makes cars. It's SUPER-BUTLER!
> (OVER) a doorbell RINGS. Alfred disappears upstairs.
MIKE: Teleports, too!
> 154 BRUCE - OVER THE SHOULDER 154
>
> Bruce works a keyboard, manipulating the images on
> various screens.
TOM: He can't afford a mouse?
CROW: Maybe he could get one with little bat wings on it.
> 155 SCREEN ONE - Replays the CNN story on Two-Face 155
>
> 156 SCREEN TWO - Replays the Vondelle Williams show. 156
>
> 157 SCREEN THREE - Runs news footage of Chase. 157
>
> 158 As Alfred returns, Bruce splits the Chase screen, a list 158
> of psychiatric texts scrolling beside her portrait.
>
> ALFRED
> Scholarly research?
TOM: No, just preparing to get myself up on another stalking charge.
> BRUCE
> She has an excellent mind.
CROW: And a nice a-
MIKE: [clears his throat LOUDLY]
> ALFRED
> If I misinterpreted your interest in
> the lady, I humbly apologize--
>
> BRUCE
> I wonder if she'd go out with me.
ALL: Bwaahahahahah. Ugh.
> ALFRED
> Apology hastily retracted.
>
> Bruce freezes the image of Vondelle Williams over the
> familiar graphic: Batman: Crimefighter or Criminal?
CROW: He's a criminal!
TOM: He's a crimefighter!
CROW: Criminal!
TOM: Crimefighter!
MIKE: Hey, hold on you two: the new Batman's a criminal *and* a
crimefighter!
> BRUCE
> They don't understand. They think I
> became Batman to fight crime.
TOM: Actually, I became Batman because I like wearing skin-tight body
armor.
> Bruce leans back, closes his eyes, his past never far.
>
> BRUCE
> Do you remember the night I fell
> into that cave and the bat chased
> me?
>
> ALFRED
> Your parents' wake. Rain fell like
> tears.
>
> BRUCE
> ...The night Batman was born.
> (a beat)
TOM: Soundly, about the head and neck.
> What was I doing in the fields that
> night, Alfred?
CROW: You were playing "Equus" again.
> What sent me running
> out into that storm? I keep dreaming
> about it but I just can't remember.
>
> ALFRED
> I don't know, sir. Your dear
> parents. Suddenly gone. So much
> loss...
>
> BRUCE
> I remember the bat, though. His
> scream. Those eyes. I was sure the
> fear would kill me.
> (a beat)
> In time I came to believe that if I
> became a monster, that if I was
> feared, I wouldn't be scared
> anymore. I was wrong.
> (off the screen)
> They think I became Batman to fight
> crime. I became Batman to fight the
> fear. And instead I became the fear.
MIKE: So after all these years you're admitting your a twisted psychotic
fruitcake. Can we go now?
> Alfred hands him an envelope.
CROW: Ed McMahon says you may already be a winner!
> ALFRED
> Perhaps it's time you paid a bit
> more attention to Bruce Wayne. There
> was no one at the door, just this.
>
> Within, (RIDDLE #2). His expression darkens.
CROW: Get out that program again, Tom.
MIKE: Can we stop ragging on Microsoft?
TOM: No.
> 159 EXT. UGLY TENEMENT - BAD NEIGHBORHOOD - NIGHT 159
>
> (OVER) SOUNDS OF POUNDING
>
> 160 INT. HALLWAY OUTSIDE EDWARD'S APARTMENT - NIGHT 160
>
> The source of the POUNDING -- MRS. LUCERTOLA, Ed's
> middle-aged, no-bullshit landlady.
>
> MRS. LUCERTOLA
> Ya wanna cough up your rent, or do I
> post an eviction notice?
TOM: I don't wanna see Ed hock up a fiver.
> Locks TURN. The door opens a crack. Edward peeks out.
CROW: So no one can see he's dressed in his Little Bo Peep outfit.
> EDWARD
> Mrs. Lucertola. What a surprise.
> Come in. I was just sitting down to
> write the check.
>
> 161 INT. EDWARD'S APARTMENT - NIGHT 161
>
> Mrs. Lucertola barges inside -- then stops, aghast.
TOM: His place is a sight!
> HER POV-
>
> Five people might live here. Sports magazines. Stock
> market tickers. Half completed paintings and sculptures.
> Blueprints. In the corner an old circus booth containing
> a manikin of the green-clad, can wielding Guesser.
MIKE: Tom, hand me a knife.
TOM: Why?
MIKE: I want to prune down this metaphor. It's getting awful thick.
> MRS. LUCERTOLA
> What is it exactly that you do, Mr.
> Nygma?
CROW: Oh, I'm pretty much a mixture of plot device and comedy relief.
You?
> EDWARD
> My dear Ms. Lucertola. Italian,
> isn't it? For lizard. How fitting. I
> think the question better asked:
> what is it that I don't do?
>
> Ed guides Mrs. Lucertola to a sofa before the TV.
ALL: Not the comfy chair!
> EDWARD
> Most recently I have devised a way
> to change the destiny of mankind and
> the world as we know it, all in my
> favor of course.
TOM: He's become Donald Trump.
> MRS. LUCERTOLA
> The rent Nygma!!!
>
> EDWARD
> Might I persuade you to take a seat
> on this couch? To indulge me in a
> little experiment?
CROW: To slip into this leather nightie and horse mask?
> He shoves her down.
TOM: ... the garbage disposal.
> MRS. LUCERTOLA
> Hey, I got no time for-
>
> Edward clamps a new, streamlined headband on her head.
>
> EDWARD
> Showtime.
MIKE: HBO, and more!
> He clicks on the TV. An evening soap.
>
> MRS. LUCERTOLA
> My favorite story.
TOM: As the Stomach Turns?
> Atop the TV rests a small box. The next generation of his
> Remote Encephalographic Stimulator.
>
> EDWARD
> Yes. TV. Balm to the minds of the
> masses. The great deadener. If only
> it were more lively. But wait. I can
> help.
>
> He hits a switch on the Box and the familiar beam engulfs
> his landlady, the holographic image of the screen's
> kissing couple now hovering in mid-air before her.
>
> MRS. LUCERTOLA
> Oh my lord.
>
> EDWARD
> Not quite. But I'm getting there.
MIKE: He better put on a green mask and say "smokin'" a lot or this is
gonna wear real thin.
> 162 MRS. LUCERTOLA - POV - She might as well be sitting on 162
> the foot of the bed as the two lovers' embrace heats up.
>
> Edward waves his hand in front of her eyes. Nothing. The
> same dazed expression that Stickley wore.
CROW: But she wears it better.
MIKE: "Dazed" must be her color.
> EDWARD
> Now this is much better. No pain.
> Just a little holographic TV to keep
> your mind off the fact...
>
> Edward PLANTS an ELECTRODE on his forehead.
>
> EDWARD
> ...That I'm taking your mind.
> (professional)
> Not your thoughts, mind you. Just
> your neural energy, simply sucking
> some IQ points as it were.
MIKE: [Minnesota Voice] Oh, don't suck your IQ points, they'll turn all
black and blue.
> A GREEN-BLUE aura forms around Edward's head.
CROW: *Nasty* halitosis, there, Ed.
> EDWARD
> (announcer)
> His intelligence jumps. Ms. Lizard
> don't know it. The crowd goes wild.
TOM: The audience doesn't.
> (CEO)
> Boys, I want one of these babies in
> every home.
> (Clinton)
> It's the new information super
> highway and, pay attention now kids.
> I'm the on ramp.
> (ad-man)
> From their brains to the TV to my
> brain, with no commercial
> interruptions!
> (announcer)
> There are seven million brains in
> the Naked City...
> (menacing)
> ...and they're all mine!
TOM: And if you add them all up, they could write this script.
> 163 EXT. MUNICIPAL POLICE COMPLEX - DAY 163
>
> Gothic. Active. Bruce enters the complex.
MIKE: I don't know if I'd describe Bruce as Gothic and Active.
> 164 INT. POLICE COMPLEX - CHASE'S OFFICE 164
>
> Comfortable. Well appointed. Degrees on the walls.
CROW: In both Celsius and Farenheight!
> Chase opens her door to Bruce Wayne.
ALL: No comment.
> CHASE
> Mr. Wayne. Chase Meridian.
>
> The sparks he felt from her as Batman don't fly.
>
> CHASE
> How can I help you, Mr. Wayne?
ALL: (snicker)
> BRUCE
> Somebody's been sending me love
> letters. Commissioner Gordon thought
> you might give me your expert
> opinion.
>
> Chase spread the `Riddler' letters before her. Bruce
> TAPS his fingers absentmindedly as he watches her read.
>
> CHASE
> Psychiatrists make you nervous?
>
> BRUCE
> Just ones this beautiful.
>
> CHASE
> The infamous Wayne charm. Does it
> ever shut off?
CROW: Does it ever turn on?
> BRUCE
> On occasion. Usually at night.
MIKE: I say we leave this one alone.
BOTS: O-kay!
> Bruce stops tapping, examines books on aberrant behavior.
> The Dark Side. Turns a tiny wicker doll over in his hand.
>
> BRUCE
> Still play with dolls, Doctor?
TOM: It's better than walking around dressed as a rodent, why do you
ask?
> CHASE
> She's a Malaysian dream warden. She
> stands sentry while you sleep and
> calms your dreams.
> (off Bruce's expressions)
> Need one?
>
> BRUCE
> Me? No. Only things that need
> calming in my dreams are the
> Rockettes.
CROW: I think the Wayne charm is installed backwards.
> Chase holds his eyes a beat. Not buying.
TOM: Just sub-letting.
> But she lets it
> go, looks back over the letters.
CROW: I want to buy a vowel, Pat.
> CHASE
> My opinion. This letter writer is a
> total wacko.
TOM: Possibly even a Yakko or a Dot.
> BRUCE
> Wacko? That a technical term?
TOM: Please, just shoot him now and save us another hour of misery.
> CHASE
> Patient apparently suffers from
> acute obsessional syndrome with
> potential homicidal styles. Work
> better for you?
MIKE: No, homicidal styles work fine for me as is.
> BRUCE
> So what you're saying, this guy's a
> total wacko, right?
>
> CHASE
> (a slight smile)
> Exactly.
>
> He notices batman research on her desk. Spots a framed
> print hanging on the wall. A bat.
>
> BRUCE
> You have a thing for bats?
>
> Chase follows his gaze.
>
> CHASE
> That's a rorschach, Mr. Wayne.
> People see what they want to.
MIKE: I see a kitty.
CROW: I see a bunny.
TOM: I see a blot of ink.
> Bruce looks back up. In fact, just an ink blot. Only he
> saw a bat within it's bleeding lines.
>
> CHASE
> I think the question would be, do
> you have a thing for bats?
>
> BRUCE
> So, this Riddler, he's dangerous?
MIKE: Only if taken internally.
> CHASE
> What do you know about obsession?
TOM: I think about it all the time!
> BRUCE
> Not much.
CROW: I'm just an amateur.
> CHASE
> Obsession is born of fear. Recall a
> moment of great terror in your life.
> Say you associate that moment
> with...
> (random)
MIKE: Yup, that pretty much sums up this movie so far.
> ...a bat. The bat's image becomes a
> cancer of the mind, grows more real
> than your daily life. Can you
> imagine something like that?
>
> BRUCE
> It's a stretch but I'll manage.
TOM: Oh, God, please. Please, give me Michael Keaton or give me death.
> CHASE
> The letter writer is obsessed with
> you. His only escape may be...
>
> BRUCE
> To kill me.
>
> CHASE
> You understand obsession better than
> you let on.
>
> BRUCE
> No insights here, doc. Just trying
> to get comfortable on your couch.
CROW: Mike, do lines like these really work on human women?
MIKE: Not for me.
> (checking his watch)
> Oops. Times up.
>
> CHASE
> That's usually my line.
>
> BRUCE
> Look, I'd love to keep chatting-
>
> CHASE
> Would you? I'm not so sure.
>
> BRUCE
> But I'm going to have to get you out
> of those clothes.
MIKE: No, these wouldn't work either.
> CHASE
> Excuse me.
CROW: Why, did you burp?
> BRUCE
> And into a black dress.
MIKE: We *are* the same size, aren't we?
> Bruce throws her startled expression his best smile.
TOM: She catches it, runs into the endzone, and spikes it.
> BRUCE
> Tell me, Doctor, do you like the
> circus?
>
> Despite herself, Chase smiles back.
TOM: And then slaps him into next month.
> 165 A SIGN - CLOSE - Gotham Hospital Charity Circus. 165
>
> WIDER
>
> 166 EXT. HIPPODROME - NIGHT 166
>
> Immense.
TOM: And immortal!
MIKE [To Tom]: Where are you getting these lines?
> On the lapping edge of Gotham Harbor.
>
> Searchlights sweep the sky. FLAGS flutter on the
> Hippodrome's oval roof, Limos spill Gotham's finest.
CROW: Oh, and Bruce, too.
> The night of the season.
>
> 167 INT. CENTER RING 167
>
> THE FLYING GRAYSONS -- Mother, Father, and two sons all
> wearing colorful red and green outfits with yellow cape-
> -- race out to greet the crowd. They discard their capes,
TOM: And realize their outfits are still at the cleaners.
> cartwheel to four guywires.
CROW: And plunge to their deaths amid raucous applause!
TOM: [Mechanically] Oh - sure - ruin - the - surprise.
> RINGMASTER
> Ladies and gentlemen. Seventy feet
> above the ground, performing feats
> of aerial skill without a net, the
> Flying Graysons!
MIKE: Well, they don't fly so much as they plummet.
> The lights dim. Spots follow each Grayson as hoist cables
> whisk them up to the trapezes and high wire.
>
> 168 ON THE TRAPEZE 168
TOM: But only for the time being.
> Dad and Chris Grayson hang by their knees, upside down on
> opposite trapezes.
>
> 169 Mom jumps to Chris' hands, hangs in mid-air. Chris swings 169
> back and forth, building momentum, then sends her to Dad
> in a poetic double somersault.
CROW: This is one wierd family!
> 170 BELOW 170
>
> The Hippodrome is packed solid.
TOM: With nutty goodness.
> 171 VIP SECTION 171
>
> Bruce and Chase in evening finery take their seats amidst
> a barrage of flashing photographers. The Gotham Society
> matrons crowd for a photo op.
>
> CHASE
> (off the flashes)
> I'm surprised you aren't blind by
> now.
CROW: If he says "as a bat", I'm out of here.
> BRUCE
> (as if he were)
> I'm sorry. Who are you?
MIKE: I can't believe a woman with a PhD would fall for lines like this!
CROW: Mike, reproduction is really complicated for humans, isn't it?
TOM: I'm amazed it's *possible* for humans!
> Chase smiles. The Press and Matrons disappear.
MIKE: More teleporters!
> BRUCE
> Now we can just sit back and watch
> the show like normal folks.
CROW: Just another PhD who studies wierdos and a millionaire superhero.
> RINGMASTER (OVER)
> Tonight's benefit has raised
> $375,000 for Gotham Children's
> Hospital. Let's thank our largest
> single donor: Bruce Wayne.
TOM: Oh, that's pretty personal.
> SPOTLIGHT finds Bruce and Chase. WILD APPLAUSE.
>
> CHASE
> (through her smile)
> Like normal folks.
>
> BRUCE
> (deadpan)
> What? This isn't normal?
>
> 172 RINGMASTER 172
> And now Richard, the youngest Flying
> Grayson, will perform The _Quadruple_
> Flying Somersault!
>
> 173 DICK GRAYSON, handsome, only happy when he is in flight, 173
> jumps to his father's hands, hangs in air.
>
> 174 DICK'S POV - The world flips, dizzying, four times. 174
>
> 175 Chris catches Dick's hands. Shaky. One hand slips free. 175
> The Crowd GASPS. Dick dangles for an instant.
CROW: I . . . nah, too easy.
> 176 Chris hoists Dick to safety. An uproarious OVATION! 176
MIKE: You know, he could be Richard, or Ricky . . .
CROW: Rick . . .
TOM: The R-Man . . .
MIKE: But *Dick*?
> 177 CHASE watches Bruce. He's riveted, eyes like a child's. 177
>
> BRUCE
> That kid is amazing.
TOM: I can't believe I asked you on a date instead of him.
> CHASE
> I don't get you Bruce Wayne.
TOM: No one gets Bruce Wayne, he's the wind, baby!
> BRUCE
> Me? I'm easy. Especially after a
> couple of martinis.
>
> CHASE
> The glib, cavalier routine, it
> really is an act, isn't it?
CROW: No, I really think I *am* this boring, dull, and shallow.
> BRUCE
> Don't believe it. I'm just skin
> deep.
>
> But he holds her eyes and in the smile that passes
> between them, sweet electricity. Maybe something more.
TOM: Two fiftys and a twenty, to be exact. Let's take a breather,
guys.
1 ... 2 ... 3 ... 4 ... 5 ... 6
[D13 -- SHERWOOD FORRESTER is straightening his lab coat. He is dressed
identically to CLAY, except that where CLAY wears lime green,
SHERWOOD wears electric blue. CLAY is standing behind him, still
bewildered.]
CF: I, uh, tried to call Mom, but she wasn't answering her phone.
SF: Oh, she's taking a vacation from her new job. Didn't you hear?
She's the public relations rep for the Dornan campaign. Two weeks
on the sunny shores of the Adriatic.
CF: Oh, well, she always wanted to visit Italy ...
SF: Bosnia. [There is a knock on the door.] Ah, that will be my
assistant!
CF: [Mouths "Bosnia?" as SHERWOOD goes to the door, turns to the
camera.] Uh, guys?
[SOL]
MIKE: Hey, Dr. Forrester, how's it going with your brother?
[D13]
CF: [Annoyed, whispering] He is *not* my brother! I don't know what
kind of sick game is going on here, but --
SF: [Wedges into view alongside CLAY] Ah, these must be your victims.
We weren't really properly introduced, but I think they know who I
am by now. I must say, Clay, that I'm impressed. Such an
incredible expenditure of time and effort for such a completely
pointless experiment.
CF: [Some of his bravado back] Why, thank you ... Sherwood.
[SOL]
ALL: [snickering]
CROW: "Sherwood Forrester"! What a ridiculous name!
[D13]
SF: *WHAT* did you say?
[SOL]
CROW: [still snickering] Hey, you said your assistant was coming -- who
is it, Friar Tuck?
[D13 -- A portly man with a tonsure and brown robes pokes his head into
view.]
TUCK: Yes, my son?
SF: [Disgustedly.] I am *tired* of that joke! [whips out a zap gun
of indeterminate design and zaps TUCK into oblivion, then holsters
the gun and pulls a cellular phone from another pocket and dials.]
Hello, Happy Temps? This is Sherwood Forrester. I'm afraid that
temp you sent just didn't work out. Could you send me another?
... No, no, I don't think he'll be checking in again ... Yes, same
qualifications, thanks ... Thanks ... Hm? *Clayton* Forrester?
Yes, I *am* related. He's right here. [CLAY is gesturing wildly,
mouthing "No!"] Sure. Sure. Here. [Hands the phone to CLAY.]
CF: [Bobbles the phone, gets it under control and answers shakily]
H-h-hello? ... Nelson? *Mike* Nelson? Why, yes, he's still
working for me ... Hasn't cashed a paycheck in a year and a half?
I can't imagine why ... Yes, I'm very happy with his performance
... Oh, I'll be needing him around here for the foreseeable future
... wha-HUH? Buy out his contract? ... HOW MUCH? ... By next
Wednesday? ... yeah. [mechanically] You have a nice day, too.
SF: [Takes the phone from CLAY'S limp hand.] Aren't they a great
company? [Looks around D13] Say, Clay, where's *your* assistant?
[CLAY'S eyes go wide; SHERWOOD chucks him under the chin.] Why,
you rascal, did you kill him? C'mon, Clay, you can be ... FRANK
... with me.
CF: [Lower lip trembles for a moment, then CLAY runs, bawling.]
[SOL]
MIKE: [wincing] Ooh ... low blow.
CROW: This guy is *really* evil! We gotta do something!
[D13]
SF: [Grinning evilly] Shouldn't you boys be in the theatre, hmmm?
[SOL -- Movie Sign, and general panic]
6 ... 5 ... 4 ... 3 ... 2 ... 1 ...
[ALL re-enter the theatre.]
> 178 THE RINGMASTER stands watching the Graysons feats of 178
> aerial wonder. Something catches his eye.
TOM: Momma Grayson looks *hot* in that Spandex!
> 179 A GLOVED HAND extends through the curtain leading 179
> backstage, beckons him with a single finger.
CROW: Hopefully, an index finger.
> 180 THE RINGMASTER - CLOSE. Puzzled. Steps out of the ring. 180
>
> 181 BACK TO BRUCE AND CHASE 181
>
> BRUCE
> Look, I'm rock climbing Sunday. How
> about coming along?
BOTS: NOT ROCK CLIMBING!
MIKE: What's the matter with you two?
TOM: [shuddering] It's too painful to discuss. Trust me on this.
> CHASE
> Bruce, much to my surprise, you seem
> like a really great guy...
>
> BRUCE
> But...
>
> CHASE
> Well, I met someone...
TOM: He's into leather ...
> BRUCE
> Fast work. You just moved here.
>
> CHASE
> You could say he kind of dropped out
> of the sky and bang-. I think he
> felt it too.
TOM: Apparently the scriptwriter didn't know if he was doing Batman or
Lois and Clark.
> BRUCE
> He sure did.
CROW: Keep those telegraphic lines open, Brucie.
> CHASE
> What?
>
> BRUCE
> (awkward)
> I said I'm sure he did.
>
> Bruce looks towards...
>
> 182 CENTER RING 182
>
> A TINY CAR, horn HONKING away, ROARS into the middle ring
> and begins dislodging clowns, all tumbling out of the
> cars and over each other.
>
> 183 A new Ringmaster steps into the arena. Two-Face. 183
>
> TWO-FACE
> Ladies and gentlemen, and I do use
> the term loosely, your attentions
> please. Tonight, a new act for your
> amusement. We call it Massacre Under
> the Big Top.
>
> 184 His thugs slip out of their clown costumes and seal every 184
> exit.
TOM: Christmas Seals or Easter Seals?
> 185 They pull machine guns and start SHOOTING over the 185
> audience's heads. PANIC. SCREAMS.
CROW: I don't think the thugs screaming in panic will make them more
scary.
> 186 TWO-FACE 186
> People, people. Show some grace
> under pressure. A little decorum,
> please.
> (into his mike)
> _SHUT UP_!!!
TOM: Great, we have to rely on the psycho to bring some order to the
Big Top.
> 187 More machine gun BURSTS as Thugs move into sentry 187
> positions at each section of bleachers. Folks quiet.
>
> 188 TWO-FACE 188
> If we may direct your attention...
>
> 189/90 A Thug trains a spot on a crate hung in the rafters. 189/90
>
> 191 TWO-FACE 191
> Inside that wooden box: two hundred
> sticks of TNT.
> (showing a box)
> In our hand: a radio detonator.
TOM: In my pants, ferrets!
> Two-Face presses a button.
>
> 192 DETONATOR - CLOSE. A digital countdown. 3:00. 2:59. 2:58... 192
>
> 193 TWO-FACE 193
> You have three minutes.
>
> 194 THE MAYOR 194
> What the hell do you want?
>
> 195 TWO-FACE 195
> Want, Mr. Mayor? Just one little
> thing. Batman. Bruised. Broken.
> Bleeding. In a word: dead.
MIKE: And you expect all that to get done in three minutes?
> Two-Face turns, showing his good side.
CROW: You mean, the side that *isn't* a lawyer?
> TWO-FACE
> Who do we have assembled before us?
> Gotham's finest. Rich, Influential.
> Smart. One of you must know who
> Batman is. Hell, we'd lay odds one
> of you _is_ Batman.
>
> Two-Face spins, offers his evil side.
>
> TWO-FACE
> So, unless the bat is surrendered to
> us post haste, we're off on a
> proverbial killing spree. City wide
> mayhem and murder. Starting tonight.
> With all you lovely folks as our
> very first corpses to be. You have
> three ---well just under three---
> minutes.
MIKE: He's gonna feel real silly if he's wrong.
CROW: Yeah, there's nothing more embarassing that comitting mass murder
for the wrong reason.
> 196 BRUCE, his eyes riveted on the bomb. No secret is worth 196
> innocent lives. He stands.
>
> Chase, misunderstanding, tries to pull Bruce back down.
TOM: And accidentally pantses him.
> WIDER
>
> Suddenly everyone jumps up, SHOUT and SCREAM, point
> towards the rafters.
>
> 197 REVERSE ANGLE 197
>
> The Graysons scale the scaffolding, heading for the bomb.
>
> TWO-FACE
> Boys! Move, move, move!
> (a beat)
> Cannot get good help these days.
>
> 198 Any Thugs not standing sentry fan out, speed up guywires. 198
>
> 199 CHRIS 199
> (to Dick)
> Go! We'll hold them off!
>
> Mom, Dad and Chris swing from trapeze to guywire to
> platform, trying to delay the Thugs who are actually
> well-trained gymnasts.
MIKE: Why, what a coincidence.
> 200 Dick launches himself from trapeze to trapeze, bounces 200
TOM: ... three times when he hits the ground.
> off the high wire, grabs a catwalk and hoists himself up.
>
> 201 Bruce uses the distraction to hop the rail, race through 201
> the SCREAMING CROWD.
>
> 202 THE TIME - CLOSE. 1:03. 1:02. 1:01. 202
>
> 203 ON THE TRAPEZE 203
>
> 204 A Thug grabs Dad Grayson by the leg. Dad manages a jump 204
> to another trapeze.
>
> 205 Mom's not so lucky. A Thug punches her off the uppermost 205
> platform. She falls in mid-air.
>
> 206 FOLKS in the audience SCREAM. 206
>
> 207 BRUCE moves fast towards one of the sentry Thugs. 207
>
> 208 MOM snags a wildly swinging trapeze with one leg, wraps 208
> her ankle around a rope, hanging over the floor.
>
> 209 A THUG points to the Time Clock 0:45. 0:44. 0:43. 209
>
> 210 THE THUGS quit the fight, slide down ropes and guywires. 210
MIKE: You know it helps if you think about this happening in slow
motion.
CROW: You mean it isn't already?
> 211 DAD AND CHRIS form a human chain to reach Mom. Dad 211
> anchors Chris who swings out towards Mom. Mom swings her
> trapeze to gather momentum.
>
> 212 IN THE RAFTERS 212
>
> Dick has reached the Bomb. Begins un-lashing the crate.
TOM: You mean Ricky.
MIKE: Or R-Man. Don't forget R-Man.
> 213 ON THE CIRCUS FLOOR 213
>
> The Thugs begin to pour through the trap door. A few
> thrill-seekers fire their MACHINE GUNS over the crowd.
>
> 214 THE TIMER - CLOSE. 0:15. 0:14. 0:13. 214
>
> 215 DICK scales a service ladder, vies with a roof hatch. 215
>
> 216 TRAPEZE - CLOSE 216
>
> Dan and Chris make their final swing. Mom lets go and
> sails gloriously towards Chris. Below them, no net.
>
> 217 BRUCE taps the watching Thug on the shoulder. He spins. 217
>
> BRUCE
> Show's over.
>
> A punch and the guy is out. Bruce starts for Two-Face.
> Another Thug springs up before him, blocking his way.
CROW: Shouldn't these guys be wearing red shirts?
> 218 TWO-FACE stares up at the dangling Graysons. He reaches 218
> into his pocket. Pulls out a familiar coin.
>
> TWO-FACE
> Day in, day out, it always comes
> down to the same old question.
> Life...
> (flips the coin)
> Or death.
CROW: Fries or cheeps.
> He looks down. Scarred side up. He draws his gun.
>
> TWO-FACE
> Our kinda day.
>
> 219 BRUCE fells the other Thug. Starts to sprint across the 219
> ring towards Two-Face.
>
> 220 AT THE ROOF 220
>
> Dick shoves the hatch open, climbs out.
>
> 221 TIMER - CLOSE. 0:10. 0:09. 0:08. 221
>
> 222 MOM spots the pointing gun far below. She SCREAMS. 222
>
> 223 BRUCE races for the aiming Two-Face. Almost there. 223
> Another Thug hits him broadside, knocking him flat.
>
> 224 TWO-FACE FIRES. Twice, the first bullet cutting, the 224
> 225 second severing the rope that holds the Graysons. 225
>
> TWO-FACE
> Never did like the circus. Too many
> freaks.
TOM: He shot the rope? Why didn't he just shoot them?
CROW: Maybe he forgot to bring enough bullets.
> 226/27 Two-Face disappears down the tunnel. Bruce struggles 226/27
> to his feet. A CHARGE blows inside the escape hatch,
> filling the access-way with fire. No way out.
>
> 228 CLOCK - CLOSE. 0:07. 0:06. 228
>
> 229 EXT. HIPPODROME ROOF - CONTINUOUS - NIGHT 229
>
> Dick scrambles onto the roof, begins whipping the bomb
> rope like a sling.
CROW: Bad bomb, bad!
> 230 INT. HIPPODROME - CONTINUOUS - NIGHT 230
>
> CLOCK - CLOSE. 0:05. 0:04. 0:03.
>
> 231 EXT. HIPPODROME ROOF - CONTINUOUS - NIGHT 231
>
> Dick let's fly, the bomb soaring out towards the harbor.
>
> 232 THE BOMB hits the water. Sinks. A beat. The night is 232
> split
MIKE: And we poured fresh, creamery butter in.
> by a funneling EXPLOSION.
>
> 233 INT. HIPPODROME - NIGHT 233
>
> Dick swings excitedly down onto the catwalk. He freezes
> at the rail.
>
> DICK
> No!!!!
>
> DICK - CLOSE. On his face, his life's end.
CROW: Rick - Close.
> 234 DICK'S POV -- STRAIGHT DOWN 234
TOM: RICK'S POV
> The dead bodies of his mother, father and brother. Bruce
> Wayne stands over them, looking up at the boy.
>
> 235 BRUCE - CLOSE. His face a tragic echo of Dick's pain. 235
>
> 236 EXT. - WAYNE MANOR - NEXT AFTERNOON 236
>
> A police car heads towards the manor. Dick Grayson, pack
> on his back, winds his motorcycle behind the cruiser.
>
> Bruce comes out to greet Gordon. Dick, slightly
> awestruck, dismounts, wanders into the house.
>
> GORDON
> It's good of you to take him in.
> He's been filling out forms all day.
> He hasn't even eaten.
MIKE: Except for those excess doughnuts we gave him.
> Bruce nods, watches Gordon drive off. Heads into...
> 237 INT. WAYNE MANOR FOYER - LATE DAY 237
>
> As Bruce ENTERS through the open door, Alfred arrives
> from the other direction.
>
> ALFRED
> Welcome, Master Grayson. I'm Alfred.
CROW: Thank God, someone isn't calling him Dick.
> DICK
> How ya doin', Al?
MIKE: Except the scriptwriter.
> ALFRED
> (mouthing)
> Al?
ALL: o/~ ... you can call me Al! Call me Al ... o/~
> DICK
> (to Bruce)
> Big house. How many rooms?
>
> BRUCE
> Gee, I'm not sure.
> (across the foyer)
> Alfred? How many rooms? Total?
>
> ALFRED
> Ninety-three, including the sauna.
>
> BRUCE
> Take any three you like. After you
> get settled we can...
>
> 238/39 But Dick isn't listening, stares instead over 238/39
> Bruce's shoulder as Gordon's cruiser disappears out of
> sight.
>
> DICK
> Okay. I'm outta here.
>
> BRUCE
> Excuse me.
MIKE: Is it just me, or do a lot of people say excuse me in this script?
TOM: The scriptwriter is subconciously asking for forgiveness.
> DICK
> I figure telling that cop I'd stay
> here saved me a truckload of social
> service interviews and good will. So
> no offense but thanks. See ya.
>
> Dick heads toward the door. Alfred slips away.
>
> BRUCE
> Where will you go? The circus is
> halfway to Metropolis by now.
MIKE: Gratuitious continuity.
> DICK
> I got no place at the circus without
> my family. I'm going to get a fix on
> Two-Face. Then I'm going to kill
> him.
CROW: This is known as "telegraphing your plans," Ricky.
> BRUCE
> Listen, Dick. Killing Two-Face won't
> take the pain away. It'll make it
> worse.
TOM: At least that's the theory I'm running on.
> DICK
> Look, spare me the sermons, okay.
> You're just some rich guy who is
> trying to do a good deed. You don't
> even know me.
>
> Bruce stares beyond Dick, into his own past.
TOM: He sees a short guy named Willow and Tom Cruise.
> BRUCE
> It's not just the sadness. Is it?
> The shame is worse. Feeling like
> somehow you should have saved them.
>
> Dick is looking at Bruce now.
>
> BRUCE
> You're right. I don't know you. But
> I'm like you.
TOM: A studly guy with a dead family who likes to dress up.
> Just then Alfred returns with a tray. Rare London broil.
> Baby potatoes. Fresh greens. An aromatic feast.
CROW: A shame it all tastes like cow patties.
> ALFRED
> Oh, is the young master leaving?
> Pity. I'll just toss this away then.
> Perhaps the dogs are hungry -
>
> Alfred turns, heads up the stairs.
>
> ALFRED
> I'll set this up in the guest suite.
> Just in case.
>
> Dick follows, led by his nose.
MIKE: Richard, you oughta get that ring out of there.
> Bruce smiles, nods slowly, heads into...
>
> 240 INT. - WAYNE LIBRARY 240
>
> Bruce touches a vase of fresh roses. Stares at framed
> photos of Thomas, Martha, of himself, younger. Happy.
> With no knowledge of the future.
TOM: So the only thing that changes is that he's not happy.
> 241 He turns. Suddenly their coffins are in the middle of the 241
> room again, the still corpses white in death. He's a
> boy.
>
> There on the desk. A leather bound book. (OVER) THUNDER
> CRACKS.
>
> 242 THE FRONT DOOR flies open. An evil wind whips the house. 242
CROW: Alfred let one. Wheeeow!
> 243 THE BOOK is splattered with blood. 243
MIKE: Doesn't he know ink works better?
> 244 THE WINDOW explodes, shattering glass, and out of the 244
> darkness flies a huge, evil bat.
>
> ALFRED (OVER)
> Master Bruce?
>
> 245 Bruce is sitting in a chair, holding a rose, head down, 245
> the images only flashes of memory. Night has fallen. He
> looks up, eyes. red.
CROW: Stoned again.
> BRUCE
> It's happening again. Just like my
> parents. A monster comes out of the
> night. A scream. Two gunshots. I
> killed them.
>
> ALFRED
> What did you say?
>
> BRUCE
> He killed them. Two-Face. He
> slaughtered that boy's parents.
>
> ALFRED
> No. You said I. I killed them.
>
> BRUCE
> Don't be ridiculous.
MIKE: It's a little late to tell ANYONE in the film that now.
> Suddenly a pale light through the window illuminates the
> room, bathes their faces.
>
> 246 THE BATSIGNAL beams in the sky. 246
>
> 247 INT. GUEST (DICK'S) BEDROOM 247
>
> Dick Grayson finishes eating. He moves into the
> 248 HALLWAY 248
>
> the house seems empty.
>
> DICK
> Hey?.. Hello?... Anybody home?
>
> He's puzzled.
TOM: I thought that was Ed.
CROW: No, that's riddled. As in, "Riddled with holes, the plot
staggered from scene to scene."
> 249 EXT. GOTHAM CITY STREET - NIGHT 249
>
> Batman speeds along in the Batmobile. He hits top speed
> as the car's fusion drive glows red.
TOM: And then explodes in a nuclear conflagration, and . . .
MIKE: It's getting thin Tom.
TOM: As thin as the plot?
MIKE: More.
TOM: [Chastened] Oh. Sorry.
MIKE: No problem.
> 250 A giant projector, beaming the Batsignal on the fast 250
> night clouds. Batman leaps from a neighboring roof to
> find no one. Just the huge light and the city wind.
>
> BATMAN
> Commissioner...?
>
> A shadow appears from behind the searchlight. Chase.
>
> CHASE
> He's home. I sent the signal.
>
> BATMAN
> What's wrong?
CROW: I have nothing else to do in this movie but look good!
> CHASE
> Last night at the circus. I noticed
> something about Dent. His coin. He's
> obsessed with justice. It's his
> Achilles' heel. It can be exploited.
MIKE: Talk about never leaving the office . . .
> He steps close to her. Intimidating.
>
> BATMAN
> You called me here for this? The
> Batsignal is not a beeper.
MIKE: You know, technically, it IS a beeper, Bruce.
> Instead of backing off, Chase moves towards him.
>
> CHASE
> I wish I could say my interest in
> you was purely professional...
>
> BATMAN
> Are you trying to get under my cape,
> Doctor?
ALL: [Stare at the screen in mute horror.]
> CHASE
> A girl cannot live by psychoses
> alone.
>
> BATMAN
> It's the car, right? Chicks love the
> car.
TOM: [Begins banging his head against the chair, slolwy, painfully.]
> CHASE
> What is it about the wrong kind of
> man? In grade school it was guys
> with earrings. College, motorcycles
> and leather jackets.
>
> Chase is right up against him. She runs her fingers along
> the outline of Batman's mask.
>
> CHASE
> Now black rubber.
CROW: [Makes vauge, choking noises. It is obvious he's in pain.]
> BATMAN
> Try a fireman. Less to take off.
>
> CHASE
> I don't mind the work. Pity I can't
> see behind the mask.
>
> Batman stills her hand.
>
> BATMAN
> We all wear masks.
>
> CHASE
> My life's an open book. You read?
MIKE: [Puts his head in his hands. He appears to be sobbing
uncontrollably.]
> BATMAN
> I'm not the kind of guy who blends
> in at a family picnic.
>
> CHASE
> We could give it a try. I'll bring
> the wine, you bring the scarred
> psyche.
>
> BATMAN
> You are direct, aren't you?
>
> CHASE
> You like strong women. I've done my
> homework. Or do I need skin-tight
> vinyl and a whip?
TOM: [Bangs his head against the chair faster.]
> Their bodies are close.
>
> BATMAN
> I haven't had much luck with
> women...
>
> CHASE
> Maybe you just haven't met the right
> woman...
CROW: [Falls to the floor. His legs and arms are visible, sticking
straight up, twitching.]
> Their mouths are close. Suddenly Commissioner Gordon,
> trench-coat over pajamas, rushes onto the roof.
>
> GORDON
> I saw the beacon. What's going on?
>
> BATMAN
> Nothing... False alarm.
ALL: Oh, thank you comissioner!
CROW: [Getting up off of floor] I am SO glad that is over with.
MIKE: You know, with a woman like that, the Riddler is looking good.
TOM and CROW: [Look at Mike strangely]
MIKE: I was only being metaphorical guys.
CROW: Please, isn't there enough senseless metaphor, Mike?
> 251 Batman shoots a Batarang into the night and dives from 251
> the building.
>
> CHASE
> Are you sure?
MIKE: We are!
> 252 EXT. SEEDY PART OF TOWN - DAY 252
>
> SIRENS WHINE as two cruisers fly down a pot-holed street.
>
> 253 ANGLE ON - A bridge structure. 253
>
> 254 INT. TWO-FACE'S HIDEOUT - DAY 254
>
> The room is dark. POLICE SIRENS FADE as a trap door opens
> in the floor. Two-Face emerges.
>
> TWO-FACE
> Ever have one of those days where
> you just want to kill someone?
TOM: A certain scriptwriter comes to mind.
> VOICE IN THE DARK
> Riddle me this. (Riddle #3)
TOM: Well, I don't think OLE can handle THIS insertion.
> REVERSE ANGLE
>
> A mysterious silhouette stands in the dark.
>
> Two-Face draws his gun.
>
> VOICE IN THE DARK
> The answer is, your enemy.
TOM: Or 42. Whatever.
MIKE: This would have been so much more profound if we had heard the
riddle.
> TWO-FACE
> Who are you?
>
> VOICE IN THE DARK
> You can just call me... The Riddler.
>
> The figure steps out of shadow. A new costume, lime
> green, covered with question marks, an emerald eye mask,
> derby and cane. An exact replica of the Guesser's outfit.
CROW: He may be a genius, but he still dresses like a dork.
> TWO-FACE
> How'd you find us?
>
> RIDDLER
> You _are_ Two-Face, you would need to
> face both rivers, both uptown and
> downtown simultaneously. Only one
> spot in Gotham serves these bi-
> zonal, bi-coastal needs...
MIKE: Bi-sexual . . .
> TWO-FACE
> Congratulations. You get to die on
> the dean's list.
>
> Two-Face trains his gun, COCKS the trigger.
>
> RIDDLER
> Has anyone ever told you have a
> serious impulse control problem?
> (looking around)
> You know, I simply love what you've
> done with this place. Heavy Metal
> with just a touch of House and
> Garden.
CROW: And now he's an interior decorator as well.
TOM: Jim Carrey is a Villain for Every Season.
> He crosses to Leatherland.
>
> RIDDLER
> It's so dark and Gothic and
> disgustingly decadent...
>
> He moves to Laceland.
>
> RIDDLER
> Yet so bright and chipper and
> conservative!
> (to "bad" side)
> It's so you.
> ("good" side)
> And yet so _you_!
> (touching his suit)
> Very few people are both a summer
> _and_ a winter. But you pull it off
> nicely.
MIKE: I hate to be mean, but I hope Two-Face riddles his body with
bullets and throws it to the dobermans.
TOM: Bitter much, Mike?
MIKE: It was the love scene. I haven't recovered.
> TWO-FACE
> A man with a death wish.
>
> RIDDLER
> Harvey. You need me. Since you've
> gotten out of Arkham, you've
> managed, what? To bungle stealing a
> safe? Wreck a statue? And, correct
> me if I'm wrong here, but weren't
> you outsmarted by an acned acrobat
> at the circus?
CROW: Say what you will, but Ed knows how to flatter people!
> TWO-FACE
> Let's see if you bleed green.
>
> Two-Face COCKS back the hammer.
>
> RIDDLER
> Alright, counselor. Go ahead. Fire
> away. But before you do, let me ask
> you one question. Is it really me
> you want to kill?
MIKE: You've got to ask yourself, do you feel lucky punk?
> The Riddler knits his thumbs together, waves his hands
> over one of the exposed light bulbs that illuminate the
> room, making a shadow on the wall. The shadow of a bat.
MIKE: Do a bunny!
TOM: Make the indian!
CROW: Do the Waldorf-Astoria!
> RIDDLER
> Do you know about hate, my dual
> visaged friend? Slow, burning hate
> that keeps you sleepless until late
> in the night, that wakes you before
> dawn. Do you know that kind of hate?
> I do.
TOM: As do I.
> (circling Harvey)
> Kill him? Seems like a good enough
> idea. But have you thought it
> through? A few bullets, a quick
> spray of blood, a fast, thrilling
> rush, and then what? Wet hands and
> post-coital depression. Is it really
> enough?
CROW: For me it is.
> (up close)
> Why not ruin him first? Expose his
> frailty. And then, when he is at his
> weakest, crush him in your hand.
TOM: In short, remake the last film, but without Michelle Pfeiffer in
leather tights.
> 255 Riddler gestures to the front of the room, where Leather 255
> and Lace, on their respective sides, are fixed to their
> TV's via the green beam of the box.
>
> He tosses a receiver electrode to Two-Face.
>
> RIDDLER
> ...Take a hit.
MIKE: Oh, please Harvey, take him literally.
> Two-Face looks at the electrode curiously.
>
> RIDDLER
> (taps his forehead)
> Up, up, up.
>
> A beat. Then, gun still trained on the Riddler, Two-Face
> holds the receiver to his skull. He's blasted with a dose
> of Leather and Lace's neural energy.
MIKE: Which means not much.
> TWO-FACE
> Holy shit.
CROW: Blessed ca-ca.
> RIDDLER
> So not everyone can be a poet.
> Still, I respect the sentiment.
>
> Riddler waves his hand in front of the girls' eyes. No
> response. Definitely zoned.
>
> RIDDLER
> (to the girls)
> This is your brain on the box.
> (off Harvey)
> This is your brain on their brain.
>
> He plants an electrode on his own forehead.
>
> RIDDLER
> This is my brain on your brain on
> their brain. Does anybody else feel
> like a fried egg?
MIKE: No, but some toast would be nice.
> The Riddler grabs Two-Face's receiver.
>
> TWO-FACE
> No. Wait...
TOM: We haven't been properly introduced.
> RIDDLER
> Addictive isn't it? Just Say No.
> Until I say yes. A little fringe
> benefit of working with me. Now
> here's the concept, counselor.
> Crime. My I.Q., your AK-47. You help
> me gather production capital so I
> can produce enough of these
> (pulling a Box from his vest)
> to create an empire that will
> eclipse Bruce Wayne's forever. And,
> in return I will help you solve the
> greatest riddle of all. Who is
> Batman?
MIKE: There's an original question.
> Two-Face eyes The Riddler, interest dawning in his eyes.
>
> TWO-FACE
> You are a very strange person.
TOM: Now THIS is the pot calling the kettle black.
> You
> speak as if we are old friends,
> which we are not. You barge in here
> unarmed when it is clearly suicidal
> to do so. Still, an intriguing
> proposition.
> (pulling his coin)
> Heads: we take your offer.
>
> He rests the barrel on The Riddler's temple.
>
> TWO-FACE
> Tails: we blow your _goddamned head
> off_!
ALL: Tails! Tails! Tails!
> 256 FOLLOW THE COIN 256
>
> as Two-Face FLIPS it high in the air... SPINNING...
>
> 257 INT. JEWELRY EXCHANGE 257
>
> Thugs grab handfuls of gems as a Guard presses the ALARM
> BUTTON. LOONY TOONS and MERRIE MELODIES THEMES play as
> Riddler's animated face fills the surveillance screens.
>
> WIDER
>
> The Riddler and Two-Face stand over a palette of black
> jeweler's felt. Littered with bright, sparkling diamonds.
>
> The Riddler slips on a monocle, lifts a stone.
>
> Two-Face grabs the entire palette, pours the diamonds
> into a loot bag, heads towards another counter.
TOM: The SERIOUSLY Odd couple.
CROW: Previously, Edward Nygma's sanity threw him out, and told him
never to return . . .
> 258 INT. BATMOBILE - MOVING 258
>
> WINDSCREEN - CLOSE. A flashing message: Crime In Progress.
MIKE: Ah, your Windscreen stays on my mind.
> 259 An ever changing tactical map shows Batman's narrowing 259
> proximity to the crime site.
>
> 260 EXT. STREET 260
>
> The Batmobile rushes to a halt. Batman leaps out, SMASHES
> through a door into...
>
> 261 INT. BEAUTY SALON 261
>
> ...Girls LAUGH and flirt. Even behind his mask, Batman
> fumes. Obviously misled.
TOM: Which is a nice way to say he's pretty much dumb as a bag full of
screws.
CROW: Mike, why would human women flirt with some leather-draped psycho
who just busted into their business?
MIKE: You DO NOT want to know.
> 262 INT. WAYNE MANOR - BRUCE'S BEDROOM - DAY 262
>
> Bruce sits watching the news.
>
> ANCHOR
> ...working with Two-Face, Gotham's
> new criminal mastermind is calling
> himself The Riddler. Twenty million
> in diamonds were stolen yesterday
> with no sign of Batman.
>
> 263 SCREEN - CLOSE. Changes. Edward stands on the Claw Island. 263
> A small abandoned island in Gotham Harbor.
>
> ANCHOR
> In other news, entrepreneur Edward
> Nygma has signed a lease for Claw
> Island. Nygma says he plans to break
> ground on an electronics plant....
MIKE: Claw Island. It sounds so safe and secure.
TOM: Just be thankful it isn't Fire Island.
> 264 EXT. ARMORED TRUCK BASE 264
>
> Armored trucks sit open on the street. Two-toned thugs
> carry out bags of loot.
CROW: Two-toned thugs? That's what I call specific costume design.
> Two-Face and the Riddler stand before four gu