The following is not meant as a personal attack against Mr. Hicks, who did give his permission to be MSTed. Any comments made are just what is IC for Mike and the bots.
[Cue theme song]
In the not too distant future,
Somewhere in Time and Space,
Mike Nelson and his robot pals
Are caught in a nasty place,
They try to survive the wrath of Pearl,
Just an evil gal who wants to rule the world,
From her castle below, she sets her sights above,
Just to torture all the captives on the Satellite of Love!
[Mike: Get..me..DOWN!]
PEARL: I'll send them cheezy net.fics,
The worst I can find,
[La-la-la]
They'll have to sit and watch them all,
And I'll monitor their minds,
[La-la-la]
Now keep in mind Mike can't control where the net.fics begin or end..
He'll try to keep his sanity with the help of his robot friends..
[Robot Roll Call]
CAMBOT![You're on!]
GYPSY![Oh, my stars!]
TOM SERVO![Check me out!]
CROOOOOOW![I'm different!]
If you're wondering how he eats and breathes,
And other science facts,
[La-la-la]
Just repeat to yourself, it's just a fic,
I should really just relax..
For Mystery Usenet Theatre 3000!
[twang]
[5...4...3...2..1..]
[SOL Interior]
MIKE: Hi, everyone, I'm Mike Nelson on the Satellite of Love, and..
[Crow and Tom enter, arguing.]
CROW: Mike, could you help us settle an argument here?
SERVO: Yeah, Mike, tell him I'm right!
CROW: Bite me, Servo!
[Servo attacks Crow, Mike intervenes.]
MIKE: Okay, guys, what's the problem?
SERVO: Mike, if Batman and Superman got in a fight, who would win?
MIKE: Well, I..
CROW: Oh, come *on*, Mike, it's obvious. Superman would win. Sure, Batman has all that special training going for him, but he's still just an ordinary guy. Superman, being a Kryptonian, is physically stronger and therefore would reduce him to Bat-mush.
MIKE: Well, that is a good point, but...
SERVO: That's just *so* wrong, Mike. Superman is stronger, yes, but Batman is smarter. Batman would just find a way to outsmart Superman like he did when they first met in the new comics. He simply told him he had a bomb that would kill one innocent person if Superman attacked him. Superman, of course, couldn't let any innocents come to harm, so he didn't attack. Really, Mike, I don't see *how* you could be so clueless.
CROW: Forget him, Servo..let's go scope out some hot pics on the 'net.
SERVO: Good idea, Crow. [sarcasm]Thanks for all your *help*, Mike.
[Mike just looks confused]
MIKE: We'll be right back.
[Commercials]
Various ads for Sci Fi shows.
That genital herpes thing (ew..)
[SOL interior]
[Mike is just sitting around, fiddling with instruments. Crow and Servo walk in. Crow looks a little different, he now has cat ears and a tail, and is covered with fur]
MIKE: Hey, guys..Crow, what happened to you?
CROW: Well, Mike, Servo and I were goofing around on the net, you know, looking at porn, etc..
MIKE: Yeah?
SERVO: Well, we decided to go check out that FurryMUCK place.
MIKE: And?
CROW: I turned furry, Mike. I don't know how it happened, but the muck rubbed off on me. I'm almost completely furry now..I want to purr, floof, scritch, the whole nine yards.
[Crow starts purring and rubbing against Mike's leg]
CROW: See what I mean, Mike? I just can't stop myself!
[The red light flashes]
MIKE: We'll deal with this later, Crow. PosiCat and DataHawk are calling.
[Castle Forrester]
[Pearl is reading a big book entitled 'Evil Schemes for World Domination'. Brain Guy and Observer are playing Magic: The Gathering in the background]
PEARL: Greetings, Nelsonian. I don't have time for idle chit chat today, I'm boning up on my evil schemes. You might say it's a refresher course. What's up with your little mechanical toy there, anyway?
[SOL Interior]
MIKE: He's turned furry. It's probably just a temporary thing.
CROW: Yiff! Yiff!
MIKE: Crow, please..
CROW: Sorry, Mike..I can't help it. Now could someone please fluff and snug me?
[Castle Forrester]
PEARL: Yuck. That's...disgusting. Anyway, Hellson, today's bit of pain is an excruciating Batman fic called "The Amazing Fresca" by Andrew Hicks. Hicks wrote it in the style of the 60's TV show. You're gonna hurt, pal. Brain Guy, send em the fic.
[Brain Guy and Bobo seem to be arguing]
BOBO: You're cheating, Brain Guy! You can't counter a Dark Ritual, it's a Mana Source!
BRAIN GUY: I beg to differ, you stupid simian. Your card says 'Interrupt'.
BOBO: According to the new rules, it's a Mana Source..cheater!
BRAIN GUY: Fleabag.
BOBO: Uh..uh..big doodyhead!
BRAIN GUY: [sarcasm]Oh, well, there's a witty response. You've certainly cut me to the quick!
BOBO: Well, that'll teach you to mess with *me*, bub!
[Brain Guy rolls his eyes]
[Pearl walks over and slaps Brain Guy and Bobo upside the head!]
PEARL: I SAID, send them the fic, Brain*less* Guy!
BRAIN GUY: Forgive me, Lawgiver.
[usual soundeffect]
BRAIN GUY: There you go, Mike. Enjoy..er..don't enjoy.
PEARL: What are you waiting for? GET IN THE THEATRE!
[SOL Interior]
[Movie sign flashes, alarms sound]
ALL: AAAAAH! WE'VE GOT BAT-FIC SIGN!
[5...4...3...2...1..]
[They enter the theatre]
> Well, gee, I coulda sworn that "Bat Action Hero" would be my
> last Batman story, but fate and some bad sausages put another weird idea into my
> head
MIKE: Wonder if that explains Ratliff?
SERVO: Mike, *nothing* can explain Ratliff.
> and, lo and behold, I was struck with an idea for another Batman adventure.
CROW: It fell from the top shelf and hit me square on the head.
> Ever hear of that magician The Amazing Kreskin? Ever hear of Fresca soda?
MIKE: [Nicholson as Joker]Ever dance with the devil in the pale moonlight, kid?
That's what I say to all my victims.
SERVO: Wrong era Batman, but good try, Mike.
CROW: You'd think Wayne would just get a really good therapist. It's not
like he can't afford it.
> Then you're eligible to get the joke in the title. Lucky you.
MIKE: Oh yeah, this guy's too hip for the room.
CROW: Well, I'll tell ya what, Dennis Miller just better pack it in right now!
SERVO: There's a new hipster in town, and his name is Hicks, baby!
> The Amazing Fresca
MIKE: Now in cans.
An entirely new bad Batadventure by Andrew Hicks
SERVO: At least he admits it's bad. This one can't be that bad then,
right guys?
> Chapter One
CROW: The Phantom Menace!
MIKE: Don't do that one again, Crow.
> Mid-afternoon in Gotham City and all seemed right with the world.The sun was
> out, the birds were singing and the temperature was a comfortable seventy-eight
> degrees.
SERVO: But inside Winterfresh gum it's (singing)much, much, COOLER!
> All was tranquil and serene, especially in the offices of the Gotham
> City Dental Affiliates, where the peace was about to be shattered by some
> downright shocking news.
> It was time for millionaire Bruce Wayne and his youthful ward Dick Grayson's six
> month checkups.
CROW: No one will be admitted during the terrifiying spit and rinse scene.
> As Bruce sat in the waiting room reading a copy of Highlights
> magazine from 1953,
MIKE: He liked 'The Timbertoes', but his favorite was 'Goofus and Gallant.'
CROW: Mike,they used you as a model for that comic, didn't they?
MIKE: Hmm, don't think so..it was around long before I was...HEY!
> Dick was alone in a dental chair, cleaning the lint off his
> suit with the spit-sucking machine.
CROW: He was really starting to like the spit-sucking machine.
MIKE: Crow..
> The dentist walked in holding a chart of
> X-rays.
> "Alright, Richard, let's take a look at these X-rays," he said, placing the
> transparent chart on a back-lit display board.
> Dick waved his hand at the X-rays.
SERVO: [Dick]Hi, X-rays! How's it going?
> "There's no need for that, doctor. I've never
> had a cavity in my life. I brush and floss three times a day, burn all the >candy
> I come in contact with and only drink diet soda."
MIKE: I bet it's..Fresca! Ha ha, get it, the title of the story is The
Amazing Fresca..
[Crow and Servo groan.]
> "You might want to try brushing four times a day then. You have a cavity in
> lower eleven."
MIKE: Cavity in Lower Eleven! We have three men down!
SERVO, CROW: [Siren noises]
> Dick laughed nervously. "What did you say?"
> "No use living a life of denial, son. Your precious teeth are rotting > away," the
> dentist replied.
> "NOOOOOO!!!" Dick yelled.
SERVO: Heartbroken over the cavity in Lower Eleven, Dick went home and blew his brains out, The End. Fic's over, let's go.
MIKE: Don't think so, Servo. Good try though.
> Out in the receptionist area, the two receptionists looked up. "Do you > think we
> should go see what's wrong?" one asked the other.
> "Nah, just have another hit of this," replied the other, offering a nitrous
> oxide mask to the first receptionist. "It'll make all your troubles go > away."
CROW: Look familiar, Mike?
MIKE: I only experimented once. And I didn't inhale.
SERVO: Suuurrre, Mike.
> Back in the dentist's chair, Dick was holding his head in his hands. "Where >did
> I go wrong?
CROW: Mainly by appearing in this fanfic.
> I thought this kind of thing happened to other people. I used the
> angled toothbrush to clean those hard-to-reach back teeth. I brushed up and >down
> like you told me, while all the while my friends were brushing side-to->side.
[The bots snicker.]
> I
> should have been brushing side-to-side. Do you hear me? SIDE-TO-SIDE!!"
CROW: IfyaknowwhatImean!
MIKE: Crow..
> The dentist grabbed Dick by the shoulders. "Get ahold of yourself!"
> Bruce stuck his head in the door.
MIKE: Unfortunately, he forgot to open it first. A rescue team was called in with the Jaws of Life.
> "Anything wrong?"
> "Nothing to worry about," the dentist replied. "Your ward here is just > having a
> little first-cavity trauma, that's all."
> "A cavity?!" Bruce repeated in a shrill voice.
CROW: Even though Adam West doesn't actually *have* a shrill voice.
MIKE: Just remember the theme song, Crow.
SERVO: When you start to miss the Filmation eps, that's a bad thing.
> Meanwhile, in Commissioner Gordon's office at downtown Police Headquarters,
SERVO: Nothing was happening.
> the
> Commissioner was looking out the window across the Gotham skyline. > "Beautiful
> weather. Sunny, seventy-eight degrees. It disgusts me. Why can't it ever > rain?
> Dammit, I want to see some snow on the ground for once!"
MIKE: The Commissioner once again vowed to get those Smurfs if it was the last thing he ever did.
SERVO: [Gargamel, with echo effect]Total destruction..from mountain to shore!
CROW: Woo, how'd you get that echo effect, Servo?
SERVO: It's a gift.
> <"Were you saying something?" Chief O'Hara asked.
> "Oh, I forgot," the Commissioner spat. "I'm in the company of a man with the
> intelligence of a three year old."
CROW: [Chief, as Pee Wee Herman]I know you are, but what am I?
SERVO: Wouldn't that describe pretty much *all* of the Gotham cops?
> "Is the mayor in here?" O'Hara replied, looking under Commissioner Gordon's > desk
> for signs of the mayor.
CROW: You know, O'Hara isn't *that* dense.
SERVO: And no trace of his usual Irish accent.
> The door to the Commissioner's office opened and a sergeant walked in, escorting
> a confused-looking man whose clothes were dripping wet. "We fished this guy out
> of Gotham River just a few minutes ago. He apparently jumped off Gotham Bridge;
> a suicide attempt."
> "So why not just take him to the third floor with the other psychotic losers?"
> Gordon asked.
MIKE: Gonterman, Oscar..
> "Sir, this is Hoss Perot, one of the wealthiest men in Gotham City,"
CROW: His brothers are Adam and Little Joe Perot.
SERVO: [singing, to 'Bonanza' theme]In Andrew Hicks's silly Bat-fic..THE AMAZING FRESCA!
> the
> sergeant told Commissioner Gordon. "He's the fifth multi-millionaire to jump off
> a bridge in the past few days. Fortunately, the other four were significantly
> overweight and managed to float downstream, but they're all in a babbling,
> incoherent state. We think there may be a pattern here."
MIKE: [Sergeant]Possibly blue flowers on a white background, sir.
> "Wait a minute!" O'Hara exclaimed. "I'm the Police Chief here. I'll do the
> detective work, if you don't mind."
SERVO: [Chief, as Quick Draw McGraw]And dooonnn't yew for-get IT!
MIKE: Good one, Servo.
SERVO: All those hours watching the Funtastic World of Hanna-Barbera paid off.
> The seconds ticked by as Commissioner Gordon and the police sergeant stared
> intently at Chief O'Hara. Finally, O'Hara spoke. "Gentlemen... I think there may
> be a pattern here. I suggest we call in the Caped Crusader."
CROW: Sherlock Holmes. Hercule Poirot. Chief O'Hara.
MIKE: On A&E's Mysteries to *Die* For.
SERVO: More like Mysteries I'd Rather Die Than Watch.
> "Wait a minute, O'Hara! I'm the Commissioner here. I'll say whether we call in
> Batman or not." Gordon walked over to the red, plastic phone with the handle in
> the shape of a bat.
SERVO: What? The handle wasn't Bat-shaped!(begins to shake)
MIKE: Easy, Tom.
CROW: Fan boy! Fan boy!
SERVO: Shut up, Crow.
> "It may look tacky, but thank the stars in the sky it's ours
> to use."
CROW: [Commissioner]Otherwise, we'd have to actually do police work.
MIKE: These guys make the Friendly Five look like crimefighting geniuses.
> Back at the dentist's office, Bruce was sitting in the dental chair, in the
> middle of a tartar-scraping session, when his necktie began beeping sharply. He
> pushed down on the knot and it shut off.
CROW: And we all know how painful that can be.
MIKE: Crow..you're taking the Last Train to Timeoutville.
[Servo snickers.]
> "What the devil is that?" the dentist asked.
> "It's my radiation detector. Your X-ray machine must have set it off," Bruce
> lied. "The first Cuban missile crisis was averted, but who knows when deadly
> fallout rays will strike the country? This way, at the first trace of
> radioactivity, it's into the Wayne Memorial Fallout Shelter immediately."
> "Oh," the dentist uttered, going back to the tooth-scraping.
MIKE[Dentist, muttering]: This Wayne guy is nuttier than a fruitcake.
CROW: [Bruce, muttering]: Radiation detector? Geez, no one's lame enough to buy that one. Well, maybe O'Hara.
> "Listen," Bruce interrupted. "That reminds me. I have a Gotham Nuclear Power
> Committee meeting to get to. Do you mind if I take a rain-check on the flossing
> demonstration?"
> "No problem. I don't think you need it anyway," the dentist remarked. "Those
> sparkling cuspids would do any dentist proud. But I do think you should remind
> young Richard to be faithful to his teeth."
CROW[Dentist]: He's been seeing other teeth on the side.
> "Don't worry, he's going to get a stern talking-to when we get back to Wayne
> Manor," Bruce said,
MIKE[Bruce to Dick]: It's Tartar Control Crest for you from now on, young man!
SERVO[Dick to Bruce]: Holy oral hygiene, Batman!
[Crow and Mike groan]
MIKE: You're on thin ice with that one, Tom.
> pulling himself out of the chair and taking the paper bib
> off. "It's dedicated dentists like you that make all that brushing and flossing
> worthwhile. May the Lord above bless you and your associates for years to come."
CROW: [Dentist]Yeah, yeah..that'll be $30 already. Pay at the window, floss boy.
> After a trip back to Wayne Manor and a costume and alter-ego change,
MIKE: Batman put on his favorite pink lacy thong.
CROW: [Batman]I just hope Batgirl doesn't find out it's missing.
> Batman and
> Robin made their way to the Police Headquarters building, where the now-dry
> millionaire was still ignorant of reality.
> "The poor devil," Batman remarked. "Imagine, trying to end your life by jumping
> off a bridge."
SERVO: And the company that will bring it to you?
MIKE: AT&T.
> "You got your first cavity too, eh?" Robin asked the millionaire, who just
> stared back at him, glassy-eyed.
> "What?" Gordon and O'Hara asked.
> "Nothing," Batman assured them.
MIKE: Robin's obsession with oral hygiene eventually drove him over the edge.
CROW: He went on an all night Oreo and M&M binge, and was later found face down in a pool of milk and cookie crumbs.
> "But at least we rescued this poor man before he drowned," the Commissioner
> said.
> "For what, so he can live the rest of his life as a mindless vegetable?" Batman
> asked.
> "He could always go into politics," O'Hara suggested.
SERVO: [O'Hara]I hear Sci-Fi Channel is hiring.
> "Do the five victims have anything in common other than being multi-millionaires
> who jumped off a bridge in an incoherent state?" Batman asked.
> "We ran a background check," Gordon said, producing a piece of computer-printout
> paper.
MIKE[Gordon]: It seems they all read a fanfic called 'The Amazing Fresca'...
> Batman took the paper from the Commissioner. "Let's see, they were all in the
> same graduating class in high school, were married at one point to the same
> woman, and were implicated in the J.F.K. murder conspiracy."
CROW: [Batman]One was even reported to be near the grassy knoll.
SERVO: So the villain is Lee Harvey Oswald?
> "One more thing -- they all frequented the Gotham Adult Bookstore and Cinema
> around 8: 30 on Friday nights," Chief O'Hara added.
> Everyone stared at the Chief.
> "Basic deduction," O'Hara said defensively.
> "We'll need more to go on than this," Batman said.
CROW[Batman]: So where exactly *is* this adult bookstore and cinema?
MIKE[Batman]: I may have to confiscate these issues of 'Hustler' for...evidence.
> "We need to find the one
> thing they have in common that would encourage them to jump off the Gotham
> Bridge. The Batcomputer just may shed some light on this baffling case." He
> turned to the Commissioner. "If you have no further information for us, we'll be
> going."
> "No. Actually, I need to be going as well," the Commissioner replied. "I have an
> appointment with a hypnotist to quit smoking."
> "I can't help but think this information will be relevant to us at a later
> time," Batman said mysteriously.
SERVO: Batman had clearly read ahead in the story.
> "To the Batmobile!" Robin exclaimed.
> "To my 1960 Chevy Chevelle!" Commissioner Gordon added, reaching for his coat.
> The three of them raced out of the office, leaving O'Hara to look after the
> confused millionaire.
MIKE: To the control room! It's time for a break.
[They leave the theatre]
[5..4..3..2..1..]
[SOL Interior]
Mike comes by..suddenly Crow is seen flying through the air, hitting Mike at full speed. Mike falls over.
MIKE: [Getting back up]..the hell?
CROW: Sorry, Mike. I guess my 'furriness' is getting worse. I felt like...pouncing someone and you happened to be nearby. OH GOD, I HATE THIS!
[Mike comforts Crow]
MIKE: We'll get through this, buddy.
CROW: [crying]I hate being furry..all pouncy anna snuggly..using words like 'yiff' anna words like 'anna' and 'onna'..you just don't understand the PAIN, Mike! Say, could you give me a good scritching?
[Mike starts scritching Crow. Movie sign flashes, alarms go off]
MIKE: Come on, we've got BAT-FIC SIGN!
[5..4..3..2..1..]
[Mike and the bots enter the theatre.]
> Meanwhile, at the office of Dr. Fresca, a famous hypnotist who had once been
> known as "The Amazing Fresca" before a controversy emerging from one of his
> patients inadvertently killing himself under the doctor's care.
MIKE[sarcasm]: Gee, do you think there's a connection between him and those five millionaires?
CROW[sarcasm]: Never saw it coming. Nope.
> Fresca had been
> acquitted after a messy trial but was forced out of the country in disgrace.
SERVO: The jury members all killed themselves mysteriously too.
CROW: SLEEEEEEEEEEEEP!
> He
> had recently opened shop in Gotham City, where he was reduced to subliminal
> weight loss and smoking sessions. Any way to make a buck. [How's that for a
> needless biography?]
MIKE: Some lines just riff themselves.
> Fresca escorted a patient out of his office and into the waiting room. "Mr.
> Tubman, I'm sure my subliminal hypnosis will keep you off those disgusting
> Hostess fried pies for good."
CROW: Oh..by the way..SLEEEEEEEEP!
> "I certainly hope so," Tubman, who was at that moment stuck in the doorway,
> replied. "Could you give me a hand here?"
[Mike and the bots applaud.]
> "Sure," Fresca replied, pulling the oversized client through the doorway. "Come
> back next week and we'll work on fixing some more of those deep-seated
> psychological compulsions."
> "Same time next week?" Tubman asked.
SERVO: Same Bat-time, same Bat-channel!
"I'll have Ms. Parker here book you," Fresca said,
MIKE: [Fresca]The charge, Murder One, Ms. Parker.
> gesturing to his buxom,
> twentyish secretary, who was painting her nails electric pink.
CROW: Woowee! She sounds hot!
MIKE: No RAM chips for you tonight, Mister.
> Tubman struggled through the doorway, then stuck his round face back in the
> room. "Are there any vending machines on this floor?"
> "Shame on you, Mr. Tubman," Fresca said in an overly patronizing tone. The door
> swang shut slowly.
SERVO: S-swang?(shakes violently)
MIKE: Let it go, Tom. Remember, no grammar flames.
[Servo begins to sputter, then calms down a bit.]
SERVO: You're right, Mike. This fic won't beat me. Hear me, fic?
MIKE: That's the spirit, buddy.
> "Lardass," Fresca muttered under his breath. "Ms. Parker,
> who's my next appointment?"
> "A Comm-mish-shun-ner Gord-don," she read slowly.
> "Ah, yes, Commissioner Gordon. He wants to quit smoking,"
CROW: What? Gordon never smoked in the 60's show!
SERVO: [smirking]*Now* who's the fanboy?
> Fresca said, more to
> himself than Ms. Parker. "Little does he know he'll get a treatment he'll never
> forget." He began laughing, slowly at first, then in an increasingly obnoxious
> pitch.
> "What do you mean by that?" Ms. Parker asked quizzically.
MIKE[Fresca]I mean to win Wimbledon!
CROW: Python ref. Good choice, Mike.
> And, at the same time, in the Batcave...
MIKE: Robin was using the Batcomputer to play Quake 2 again.
> "So, in a few minutes, the Batcomputer will provide us with the missing link,"
> Batman announced. "So intelligent, so efficient -- and it only takes up twenty
> cubic feet. It's hard to believe the technological revolution will ever get any
> better than this."
SERVO: Moments later, Win98 crashed the Batcomputer again. Batman spent three hours on hold with tech support.
> When Robin didn't respond, Batman looked down at the depressed young man.
> "What's the matter, old chum? Still brooding about that cavity in lower eleven?"
>
> "All that hard work down the toilet."
> "Come on, Boy Wonder, one cavity isn't the end of the world," Batman reassured
> him. "Thousands of successful people have lived with less-than-perfect mouths:
> Eisenhower, Churchill, Stalin, they all had their fillings. Alfred's had no less
> than three root canals."
MIKE: Stalin. Good choice for a 'successful person'.
SERVO: I bet he considers Hitler a 'dynamic go-getter'.
> "It's all true, sir," Alfred the butler chimed in. "Nixon has one of the worst
> cases of gingivitis in recorded history and look at him now -- President of the
> United States!"
CROW: Gingivitis was the least of his problems.
MIKE: [Robin]Holy lousy examples, Batman!
> "Gosh, I never thought of it that way," Robin said, sitting up and wiping a tear
> from his eye.
> "Everyone has cavities, Robin," Batman added. "It's nothing to be ashamed of."
> "Do you have any cavities?" Robin asked.
> "God, no! Of course not. What do you think I am, some sort of filthy heathen? I
> take care of my teeth!"
MIKE: Batman, recommended by the American Dental Association.
CROW: [Batman]Fear my dazzling smile, evildoer!
> Back at Dr. Fresca's office, Commissioner Gordon was being hypnotized.
MIKE: [Gordon, as David Letterman]Hep me! Hep me! I be HYP-mo-tized!
> "Any time you want a cigarette, you will reach for a piece of gum instead,"
> Fresca intoned.
SERVO: [Fresca]It will be Juicy Fruit. The taste is gonna move ya.
> "I... will... reach... for... a... piece... of.... gum... instead..." Gordon
> repeated in monotone.
> "And one more thing," Fresca continued.
CROW: SLEEEEEEEP!
> "You will return to your office this
> evening. And you will call Batman and Robin and tell them--"
MIKE: [Fresca]--that their refrigerator is running. Tell them to catch it.
CROW: [Fresca]Ask if they have Prince Albert in a can.
> A card shot out of the Batcomputer and across the Batcave. Batman walked over
> and retrieved the card. "We may need to loosen the Batcomputer's card ejector
> coil one of these days." He turned his attention to the card.
SERVO: It said "Go to Jail. Do not pass GO. Do not collect $200."
MIKE: Once again, the Batcomputer kicked Batman's butt at Monopoly.
> "Interesting... It
> all makes sense now."
> "What, Batman, what?!" Robin asked impatiently.
CROW: Not this fanfic, that's for sure.
> "According to the Batcomputer, the thread tying together these five
> multi-millionaires is--"
> He was interrupted by the sharp beeping of the Batphone. He picked up the
> receiver. "Yes, Commissioner?"
> "Batman... I... want... you... to... come... to... my... office...
> immediately... Something... has... come... up... that... only... you... can...
> handle..."
MIKE: [Gordon]Someone...is...putting...too...many...ellipses...in...my...speech...
CROW: SLEEEEEP!
> "Oh-kay," Batman replied. He hung up the phone. "To the Batmobile!"
> The Commissioner silently hung up the phone. He reached into his holster and
> drew his service revolver. He cocked the hammer and turned silently to the door,
> in wait for the Dynamic Duo.
CROW: [Beavis]Huhuh..he thaid 'cocked'..huhuhhuh..
MIKE: [Butthead]Hehehehehehehe..
CROW: Wow, Mike, that was cool..
MIKE: I try.
> Chapter Two
CROW: By Neil Simon.
> The Batmobile sped through the dusk of approaching night, as Batman and Robin
> sat in silence.
> "Batman," Robin suddenly said, "what did the card say?"
SERVO: [Batman]It said 'Bruce--Thanks for an enjoyable evening. The tub filled with Jello was a nice touch. Love, Diana.'
> "The five millionaires had all been to a Dr. Fresca at separate times this past
> week," Batman replied.
> "The English hypnotist who has all those corny late-night TV ads?" Robin asked.
> "One and the same."
> "But he wouldn't abuse his gift by forcing millionaires to jump off bridges,
> would he?" Robin asked Batman.
> "I don't know, but I have a feeling this visit with Commissioner Gordon will
> shed some light on the mysterious Dr. Fresca."
[Commercial break]
Ad for the next episode of The Adventures of Hervystia!, 'Big Trouble In Little Cashregistan'.
Valtrex, other ads.
[End commercial break]
> And, in the Commissioner's office, Chief O'Hara was having a one-sided
> conversation with Commissioner Gordon.
> "And so I was fiddlin' with this darned aspirin bottle for half an hour," O'Hara
> said.
> Gordon silently put a piece of gum in his mouth.
> "The dang thing just wouldn't open," O'Hara continued.
> Gordon thrust two more pieces of gum in his mouth.
MIKE: Gordon's gum addiction was getting out of hand.
CROW: He was up to ten packs a day.
SERVO: Wrigley's Spearmint was the gateway. From there, he went on to Doublemint, Winterfresh and Fruit Stripe.
> "I finally had to get one of me kids to open the blasted bottle for me."
> Gordon added a few more sticks to the ever-growing wad of gum in his mouth.
> "I was so upset at that point, I downed the whole bottle, cotton and all."
MIKE: [Chief O'Hara]Unfortunately, I was still stuck in this fanfic.
CROW: Geez, I liked "Hervy's Double Danger" better than this. At least there was action.
SERVO: She'd have whacked someone with that big hammer by now. With luck, it'd be the author.
> The Commissioner suddenly spit the entire wad of gum across the desk, where it
> landed with a squish on Chief O'Hara's forehead.
> The Chief looked with crossed eyes at the wad of gum, which was slowly sliding
> down his face. He grabbed it between his fingers and offered it to Gordon.
MIKE: [sarcastically]There's a nice image. Thanks, fic.
> "I
> believe this is yours, Commissioner."
> The office door opened. A police lieutenant stuck his head in the door. "I have
> some requisition forms for you to sign, Commissioner."
> As the lieutenant began speaking, Gordon grabbed his gun and began firing at the
> door.
CROW: [Gordon]How many times do I have to tell you..KNOCK FIRST!
> "I'll come back later," the lieutenant said nervously, ducking back into the
> hallway and closing the door.
> "Commissioner, you seem kind of edgy," Chief O'Hara said cautiously.
MIKE: Once again, O'Hara shows off his brilliant detective skills.
SERVO: Was it the gunshots that gave you the first clue, Sherlock?
> "Maybe you
> should take the rest of the evening off."
CROW: And..SLEEEEEEP!
> The door opened again and Batman and Robin walked in. The Commissioner grabbed
> his gun again and began firing wildly at the Dynamic Duo.
> "Quick, Robin, behind the Batshield!" Batman exclaimed, producing the clear,
> bulletproof shield on split-second notice.
> Commissioner Gordon soon ran out of bullets, but kept pulling compulsively on
> the trigger. O'Hara wrestled the gun out of his hand.
> When convinced it was safe to do so, Batman slowly put away the Batshield and
> looked back at the Commissioner, who was sitting placidly, his trigger finger
> contracting and relaxing with steady regularity.
> "It's not like the Commissioner to make attempts on our lives like that, Robin,"
> Batman observed. "Something's wrong."
CROW: [Robin]Holy stating the obvious, Batman!
> "I noticed that meself," O'Hara added.
> The Commissioner sat in silence as everyone stared at him.
> O'Hara broke the silence. "He was acting just fine before his appointment with
> that Dr. Fresca."
> "Dr. Fresca?" Batman repeated.
MIKE: [singing]I'm a Fresca, he's a Fresca, she's a Fresca, wouldn't you like to be a Fresca too.
BOTS: [singing]Be a Fresca..drink Dr. Fresca..
> "Holy Hypnotism!" Robin exclaimed.
> "That's it!" Batman said, snapping his fingers.
> As Batman snapped, the Commissioner suddenly became conscious again.
SERVO: Thus perpetuating another tiresome cliche.
> "What...
> what's going on here?"
> The others turned to Gordon.
> "He's himself again," O'Hara noticed. "But how--"
> "Of course!" Batman realized. "The snapping sound is the prompt most commonly
> used by hypnotists to bring their patients out of a trance."
SERVO: [Batman]Especially folks hypnotized in cliched fanfics.
> "So Fresca hypnotized the Commissioner and ordered him to shoot us?" Robin
> surmised.
MIKE: Boy, nothing gets past the Boy Blunder..er..Wonder.
CROW: At least this isn't the 'sci-fi' era of Batman.
> "What are you talking about?" Gordon asked confusedly.
> "Commissioner, you've been used as a tool of evil tonight," Batman said, taking
> on a slight televangelist accent.
SERVO: Suddenly I have this image of Batman in a sequined suit and a bad rug.
MIKE: [Batman]We only need another $5000 to reach our Bat-Prayer Partners Goal..
> "Fresca obviously wants Robin and me dead, and
you were an easy way to do it."
> "I don't... The last thing I remember I was in Fresca's office," Commissioner
> Gordon said.
> "You've been in a hypnotic trance," Batman told him. "Now we know Fresca was
> involved in the attempted suicides of those millionaires."
> "But for what demented purpose?" O'Hara asked.
> "I don't know, but I'm going to find out," Batman said.
> O'Hara crossed the Commissioner's desk and reached for the phone. "I'm gonna
> call the dragnet out on this Dr. Fresca."
CROW: Cause this fic is dumb da dumb dumb..hehehe, get it?
MIKE: Don't do that again, Crow.
> "Wait a minute, Chief," Batman interrupted. "It's true -- this man's license
> should be revoked, but we have no solid evidence that's he responsible."
> "No evidence? He hypnotized the top police official in Gotham City and had him
> shoot at us!" Robin exclaimed.
SERVO: Well, he has got a point there.
> "But the Commissioner himself doesn't remember doing it," Batman replied.
> "Doing what?" Gordon asked.
> "See? It would never hold up in court," Batman said.
SERVO: Also a point there.
MIKE: Where is Paul Dini when you need him?
> "I'll have to go over there
> myself -- incognito."
> "Be careful, Batman," Commissioner Gordon warned. "He's a clever man. Look what
> he made me do... Oh, by the way, I hope there are no hard feelings about me, you
> know, shooting at you."
SERVO: [Batman]After all, what's a little *attempted homicide* between friends?
> "Of course not, Commissioner," Batman replied, giving him a reassuring pat on
> the shoulder. "You couldn't help it." He turned to Robin. "Let's go.
> Commissioner, we'll be in touch." They sprinted out of the office.
> "You know, O'Hara," the Commissioner said after Batman left, "that Dr. Fresca
> may be a heartless evil-doer, but he knows his stuff. I haven't wanted a single
> cigarette since I left his office."
MIKE: [Announcer]The Fresca Patch. Satisfy those hypnotism cravings in minutes.
> "Please, Commissioner, no more gum."
MIKE: And that's our cue.
[They leave the theatre.]
[5...4...3...2...1...]
[SOL interior]
[MIKE is reading a book entitled 'Hypnotism made Easy by the Amazing Fresca'. Crow and Servo enter.]
SERVO: Mike, Crow's slurpin' me again! Make him stop!
MIKE: Actually, boys, I think I can cure Crow of his furriness.
CROW: You can?
MIKE: Yep. I've been reading this book on hypnotism by The Amazing Fresca here and I think that I can hypnotize Crow to not be furry.
CROW: Anything, Mike! Just make me unfurry again!
MIKE: All right, Crow..look into my eyes. You are getting sleepy...sleepy..sleepy..
[Crow's eyes close and he starts snoring.]
SERVO: Wow, pretty good so far.
MIKE: Now to break him of being furry. Crow, when I snap my fingers, you will awake feeling very refreshed..and you will no longer be furry.
CROW: I..will..no..longer..be..furry...
[Mike snaps his fingers. Crow wakes up and the cat ears, fur and tail mysteriously fall off.]
CROW: Hey, guys, what's happening? Wow, that was a good nap.
MIKE: It worked! Crow, you're cured! You're not furry anymore.
CROW: Neato! Now if you'll excuse me, I have to go find a bridge to jump off of.
MIKE: Great..well, I'll see ya..BRIDGE TO JUMP OFF OF?
[Crow starts to wander off.]
MIKE..the hell? I didn't tell him to jump off any bridge!
SERVO: I think I can explain, Mike. You used that book by the Amazing Fresca, right?
MIKE: Yeah, so?
SERVO: Well, look here on this one page. It clearly says, 'Using my techniques, you can convince anyone to jump off a bridge'. Looks like you read the chapter on how to make someone commit suicide, Mike.
MIKE: Gimme that book. I gotta see how to undo this.
[Servo starts to hand Mike the book, but he drops it and it somehow manages to hit Crow on the head. Crow goes down.]
CROW: Uhhh..
MIKE: Crow, you okay, buddy?
[Crow gets back up]
CROW: Geez, Mike, must you be so butter-fingered?
MIKE: You don't still wanna jump, do you Crow?
CROW: What? I don't know what you're talking about. Now if you'll excuse me, I think I'll go download some more net.porn.
SERVO: Looks like the bump on the head cured him, Mike. Don't ask me how.
MIKE: We'll be right back.
[Commercial break]
Various things..
[5...4...3...2...1..]
[They return to the theatre.]
?"And, finally tonight, the last installment in our ongoing feature -- ice cream
> preferences of the rich and famous," the female newscaster said. "Larry Hagman
> of 'I Dream of Jeannie' prefers Mocha Decaf, Zsa Zsa Gabor enjoys Zstrawberry,
[Mike and the bots groan.]
> and Ringo Starr can always keep those drummin' fingers busy spooning up his
> favorite, Fudge Swirl. You can bet you won't find that growing in an octopus's
> garden."
> The other newscasters laughed superficially.
CROW: [Newscaster]Zstrawberry..that's so lame.
> "And with the weather forecast the way it is, a little ice cream sounds mighty
> nice," the grinning male newscaster added. "Isn't that right, Bill?"
> "That's right, Ken," the weatherman replied cheerily. "Sunny and seventy-eight
> degrees for the rest of the century at least."
MIKE: [Weatherman]And now for the extended forecast...looks like thunderstorms are on the way around the end of 2010 to 2012.
SERVO: [Lloyd Lindsay Young]Hellooooooooooooooooooooooo Gotham!
> "Thanks for watching tonight," the female newscaster said. "Stay tuned for
> Serial Killers Week on 'Jeopardy.'"
> Fresca flipped off the TV set in disgust.
MIKE: "Jeopardy!" rejected him for 'Serial Killers Week' for the third time.
CROW: [Fresca]That 'Amazing Hires' guy ripped off my idea.
> "Nothing about Batman's death at the
> Commissioner's hands."
> "Maybe they're saving that for the 11: 00 news," Ms. Parker suggested.
> "Something must have gone wrong," Fresca mumbled. "Strange, my powers of
> suggestion have never gone awry before.
SERVO: [Fresca]I feel less amazing now.
MIKE: Ladies and gentlemen, The Inadequate Fresca!
> I'll have to call up the good
> Commissioner and rehypnotize him." He reached for the phone and dialed the
> appropriate sequence of numbers.
> "Commissioner Gordon's office," an Irish voice intoned on the other end.
> "Put the Commissioner on, please," Fresca said in as nice a voice as his
diminishing patience would allow.
> "The Commissioner's not in," Chief O'Hara replied. "Maybe I can help you. I'm
> the Chief -- at least, that's what this little badge says."
MIKE: [O'Hara]Oh, wait, this badge says Captain Midnight's Secret Squadron. DOH! Never mind.
> Fresca put his hand over the mouthpiece and turned to Ms. Parker. "The
> Commissioner's gone. I'll have to have O'Hara do the job instead." He uncovered
> the mouthpiece. "Chief, you're getting sleepy."
CROW: SLEEEEEEP!
> "No, I just had a whole pot of coffee. I'll be up all night."
> "You are sleepy," Fresca persisted.
> "Officer Sleepy's office is down the hall. I can connect you if you want,"
> O'Hara replied.
SERVO: [O'Hara]He's in a meeting with Officer Grumpy and Officer Dopey.
> Fresca covered the mouthpiece again. "I don't believe it. This is the only
> person who's ever been able to resist my hypnotic power."
> "Sleepy, is that you?" O'Hara was asking.
CROW: It's me, Doc. Poker game tonight.
> Fresca suddenly realized. "That's it. He's too stupid to be hypnotized. I'll
> have to push harder."
MIKE: O'Hara's lack of quick wit saves the day again!
> Meanwhile, in the Batcave, Batman and Robin were testing a state-of-the-art
> tracking device. Disguised as an ordinary cufflink,
MIKE: But at night, Agent J.
CROW: Mike, don't do that one again, please.
[Servo sniffles.]
MIKE: Sorry. Lost my head.
> it would enable Robin to
> monitor Batman's location at all times.
> "There, everything's in order," Batman announced. "Just in case Dr. Fresca
> hypnotizes me and forces me to jump off the Dynasty State Building, you'll be
> able to rescue me in time."
CROW: [sarcastically]No chance of *that* happening though.
> "What?" Robin asked.
> "A little subtle foreshadowing never hurts a story, old chum," Batman replied.
SERVO: Subtle..like a sledgehammer.
> "Now, to make the call."
> "Listen to me, Chief O'Hara," Fresca said over the phone. "When I sound the
> bell, you will become exactly the opposite of what you are now -- in other
> words, an intelligent, sophisticated person. Do you understand?"
> "Huh?" O'Hara asked.
CROW: In other words...SLEEEEEEEP!
> Fresca rang the bell on his end of the phone. There was silence on the other end
> for a brief moment as Fresca wondered if his plan would work.
> "Afternoon, comrade," Chief O'Hara said, his accent shifting from Irish to
> British. "Beautiful weather we're having, is it not? Almost reminds me of
> Thoreau's piece on the glories of utopian society, which I found to be a rather
> optimistic, if slightly infeasible, commentary on the social ills of the day.
> Now, a certain colleague of mine may disagree on that particular argument,
> but--"
MIKE: He's not just a hypnotist, he's a miracle worker, apparently.
> "Never mind that," Fresca interrupted. "As long as you are in this trance state,
> you will continue to obey my every wish."
> "Affirmative, good doctor."
SERVO[O'Hara, as Snagglepuss]Indubitably..exit, stage left, even!
> "I want you to kill Batman, Robin and the inept Commissioner Gordon," Fresca
> ordered.
> "Shall I slit their throats from ear to ear, draw and quarter them, or--" O'Hara
> began.
MIKE: [O'Hara]I can bury them alive if you like, sir.
CROW: [O'Hara]How about a nice immolation?
SERVO: [O'Hara]Asphyxiation is always a good choice.
> "I don't care how, just do it!" Fresca slammed the phone down and turned to Ms.
> Parker. "Even as a genius, that guy's stupid!"
> The phone rang again. Fresca grabbed it up, yelling, "I told you to kill them
> any way you want!"
> "Hello?" a confused voice on the other end asked.
> "Who is this?" It was Fresca's turn to be confused.
> "This is millionaire Bruce Wayne.
CROW: [Fresca]Ehehe..did I say 'kill'? I meant '*thrill* them anyway you want'. Yeah, that's the ticket.
> Excuse my calling at such a late hour, but I'm
> at my wit's end. I haven't slept for two weeks and it's driving me crazy. A
> friend of mine down at the country club said you might be able to help me
> through the power of hypnotism."
CROW: [Fresca]Yes. I can help you...SLEEEEEEEP!
> Fresca covered the mouthpiece once again. "Bruce Wayne. He wants an
> appointment."
> "He's the richest man in Gotham City," Ms. Parker replied in awe.
> "I know. It's too good an opportunity to pass up. With his fortune in my hands,
> in addition to those other five millionaires' fortunes, we'll be able to retire
> to the Bahamas and put this embarrassing occupation behind us forever."
SERVO: [Fresca]I'll never have to work fanfics again.
> He spoke
> into the phone. "Normally, Mr. Wayne, I'd have you make an appointment weeks in
> advance, but I can sense the desperation in your voice, so I'll see you in half
> an hour."
> "I'll be there. Thanks, doctor." Bruce hung up the phone. "To the limousine,
> Alfred."
[Commercial break]
Some credit card.
Promo for Sci-Fi Prime.
[They return to the theatre]
> Chapter Three
CROW: 2..
SERVO: 1....
MIKE: [singing]Contact..is the reason..
CROW, SERVO: [singing]..is the moment..when everything happens...
> "Excuse the urgency, doctor," Bruce said as he was led into Dr. Fresca's office,
> "but I've tried every method I can think of to lick the insomnia thing and none
> of them worked."
CROW: [Bruce]And I've got the sore tongue to prove it.
SERVO: I wonder if he tried warm milk?
> "Did you try warm milk?" Fresca asked with a smile.
> "Yes, I tried warm milk," Bruce snapped back.
SERVO: I withdraw the question.
> "Oh, I'm sorry, doctor, but I'm at
> my wit's end. If I don't get some sleep tonight--" Bruce faked a facial tick.
> "Say no more, Mr. Wayne. I can guarantee after tonight your sleeping problems
> will be over." All your problems, Fresca thought. "Yes, whether it's insomnia or
> painful rectal itch, hypnosis can cure it."
MIKE: Another lovely image brought to you courtesy of this fanfic.
> "I wish you hadn't said that second part, but thanks for the sentiment."
CROW: You're not the only one, Bruce.
SERVO: [sniffling]I miss the other guy..
MIKE: There, there, Servo.
[Mike comforts Servo]
> Robin eyed the tracking receiver, which was still blinking steadily. "Let's hope
> this Dr. Fresca isn't too powerful for Bruce," he told Alfred. "He could force
> him to do anything he wants."
CROW: Even...SLEEEEEEEEP!
> "Master Bruce has had years of mental conditioning," Alfred replied. "He has the
> third-highest documented I.Q. on the planet, behind that 'Dear Marilyn' chick
> and Keith Richards.
SERVO: This *is* set in the 60's, right?
MIKE: Hicks: Anachronisms 'R' Him.
> Mr. Wayne is above succumbing to any petty psychological
> mind games."
> "Sure, but he's never been to a hypnotist before," Robin said.
> "Have you ever been to a hypnotist before?" Fresca asked in a pleasant tone.
> "No." Bruce was sitting in an overly padded chair.
> "Well, the first thing I'm going to have you do is relax and look into my
> eyes..."
CROW: And...SLEEEEEEEEEP!
[Mike clamps a hand over Crow's beak]
MIKE: Don't overdo it, Crow.
> Bruce looked into Fresca's eyes. His irises were actually swirling inward. Bruce
> immediately fell into a trance.
SERVO: So much for mental conditioning. Even the *Filmation* Batman would have at least offered a 'Must..resist..'
CROW: Batman..huh..more like Bat-WUSS.
> "Geez, these novelty contact lenses really paid off. I should use them more
> often," Fresca remarked. "He's out like a light."
> "Out... like... a... light..." Bruce repeated, crushing the light bulb in
> Fresca's lamp with his bare hand.
[They all groan.]
MIKE: Haha..that's funny cause it's...not.
> "Didn't that hurt?" Fresca asked curiously. When he receive an answer, he
> continued with the hypnotism, "Mr. Wayne, you will write me a check for your
> entire fortune."
> Bruce subconsciously reached for his pocketbook and began writing the check, his
> left brain not knowing what his right hand was doing. He handed the check to
> Fresca.
CROW: [Bruce]Now hand over the Magic boosters.
> "Good, good. Now, since you have nothing left to live for, you will jump off
> Gotham Bridge into Gotham River."
> "I... will... jump--" Bruce repeated.
MIKE: [Bruce]For..my..love...
> "No, wait. Those other five jumped off the bridge and lived," Fresca realized.
> "We'll have to come up with a better place for you, my friend... I've got it!
> You will jump off the observation deck of the Dynasty State Building."
CROW: [Fresca]Which is unrelated to that Empire State Building. Our building is way cooler!
> "Alfred, the signal's moving!" Robin exclaimed.
> "Maybe Bruce is delivering the evil Dr. Fresca to Police Headquarters," Alfred
> suggested.
> "No, he's heading in the opposite direction," Robin replied. "Toward the Dynasty
> State Building... Holy Pancakes!
MIKE: God blessed em personally.
SERVO: And here's the Sacred Syrup to go with em.
CROW: Pass me the Revered Sausage, will ya?
> The Dynasty State Building!"
> "He was right. Fresca must have hypnotized Master Bruce and gotten his fortune,
> then sent him off to jump," Alfred told Robin.
> "But how did he know?"
MIKE: [Alfred]By following the painfully obvious plotline, Master Robin.
> "The paranormal is indeed a phenomenon. Our Mr. Wayne just may have a touch of
> the shining. Or, maybe a little," Alfred pointed upward, "divine intervention."
CROW: [Robin]Or maybe you're just full of it, you old fart. Why don't you jump up my butt!
MIKE: Feeling dark, eh, Crow?
CROW: Just a bit.
> "Either way, the information is useless to us unless we get our posteriors over
> to the Dynasty State Building and rescue Bruce!" Robin exclaimed.
> "To the Batmobile!"
[They hum the old Batman theme.]
[Commercial break]
Kahlua Mudslides
Ad for a new series, 'Marco Polo 3000 AD'
Zyban
Volkswagen
[End commercial break]
> Meanwhile, Bruce was walking at a steady pace down an empty Gotham City
> sidewalk, the Dynasty State Building looming large before him.
SERVO: [singing]I'm walkin..yes indeed..I'm talkin...yes indeed, I'm walkin..
> Alfred, wearing one of Robin's spare eye-hole masks to avoid recognition, was
> driving the Batmobile at a little under ninety miles an hour,
MIKE: [Alfred]I shall put the pedal to the metal, sir.
CROW: [Alfred]And may I say, sir, that this is one sweet ride.
> while a nervous
> Robin was drumming his fingers on the dashboard.
> "Would you stop that?!" Alfred demanded.
> "Sorry," Robin said, pulling his hands away from the dashboard. "I'm just a
> little worried, that's all."
> "I am too, but in the words of gangsta rap group Naughty By Nature, everything's
> gonna be alright," Alfred replied. "And, yes, I am down with O.P.P."
CROW: NAUGHTY BY NATURE? No way! They were NOT around in the 60's, Mike! I need a freakin' block and tackle to suspend my disbelief on this one!
SERVO: Even if they were, ALFRED listening to gangsta rap? Mike, I think this fic may just break us.
MIKE: Keep cool, guys, it should be done soon.
> "What?"
> "Never mind," Alfred said. "But at the rate we're going, we'll save Master Bruce
> before he even sets foot in the Dynasty State Building."
CROW: [Alfred]Chill, Master homeboy. Just like Prego, we in there.
SERVO: [Alfred]Alfie P. in da house.
MIKE: Alfred. Pretty fly for a white guy.
> Suddenly, all four tires blew out at once.
MIKE: Five yard penalty for plot contrivance.
> Bruce approached the inside ticket booth.
> "May I help you, sir?" the cashier asked.
> "I'd like to jump off the building, please," Bruce replied in monotone.
> The cashier gestured to a sign behind her, reading, "Observation Deck: Children
> $2, Adults $5, Jumpers $9."
CROW: Ah, the good old days when it only cost $9 to jump off a building.
> Bruce fished out a ten and headed slowly for the stairs.
> "Sir, it's a hundred and twenty-five stories up," the cashier called after him.
> "We have an elevator."
> Bruce kept walking, unresponsive.
> "One of those fitness nuts, I bet," the cashier said under her breath.
SERVO: [Batman announcer]Is this the end of the Caped Crusader? Will Robin and Alfred save him from a death worse than fate? Does anyone care at this point?
MIKE: I don't care, how about you, Crow?
CROW: All I have to say at this point is, fic, jump up my butt.
MIKE: I'll take that as a no.
> Alfred and Robin were examining the Batmobile on the shoulder of Highway 81.
MIKE: Highway 81 had big, broad shoulders..
CROW: And a pretty good set of legs too..woo-woo!
> "What are the odds? All four tires blowing out at once!" Robin exclaimed.
> "Actually, I'd say about the same odds as us saving Master Bruce without a car."
CROW: [Robin]Never tell me the odds, Alfred.
MIKE: [Alfred]Word to that, Master Robin.
> "Wait a minute. I know this area," Robin said, looking around the highway
> terrain. He ran up the road about two hundred feet and pointed to an overgrowth
> of brush. "The Batcycle!"
SERVO: [Robin]Holy Deus ex Machina!
> "Good gracious, I do believe you're right," Alfred replied, hurrying up the road
> as fast as his arthritic limbs would allow. "There is one higher than we guiding
> our fate."
> "Yeah, the fat guy on the laptop computer," Robin said, clearing the camouflage
> brush away from the Batcycle. "We're coming for you, Bruce!"
CROW: Rush Limbaugh on a PowerBook is guiding their fate? They're screwed.
SERVO: So the Batcycle just *happened* to be there at the right time. Right.
> Bruce reached the top of a landing. Floor 33, the sign said. For heaven's sake,
> Robin, hurry up!
MIKE: The tension mounts. Will Bruce reach Floor 34?
CROW: Intense stair-climbing *action*!
> Alfred's short, gray hair flapped in the breeze
MIKE: I have trouble picturing Alfred's hair 'flapping'. He's nearly bald.
> as the Batcycle tore through the
> night at better than sixty miles an hour.
SERVO: In other words, sixty-one.
> Robin sat in the side-car, a look of
> grim determination on his face.
> "It won't be long now," Robin shouted over the din of the motorcycle. "I can see
> the Gotham skyline up ahead." He happened to glance down at the Batcycle's
> instrument panel. "Just out of curiosity, when the needle is pointing at the red
> 'E,' what does that mean?"
CROW: [Alfred]It means 'everlasting fuel supply', you jingweed..what do you THINK it means?
> The Batcycle engine sputtered a few times and died. The speedometer fell below
> fifty, then forty, as Alfred dejectedly guided the cycle to the ever-so-familiar
> highway shoulder.
MIKE: [singing]Shoulder to shoulder..and bolder and bolder..as we go to the floor..
> "I think it means we're out of gas," Alfred said grimly.
CROW: Well, THERE'S one for the 'duh' file.
SERVO: [Robin]Well, *I* wanted to stop at the Citgo, but NOOOOOO...
> Bruce reached another landing, his sixty-sixth that day. Fifty-eight floors to
> go until Bruce would reach the observation deck.
[They all hum the Chariots of Fire theme]
> Robin sprinted up the shoulder of Highway 81, while Alfred lagged behind. Robin
> turned back to the wheezing butler. "Alfred, come on!"
CROW: [Alfred]Don't be dissin' on me, Jack. I'll kick yo' ass.
SERVO: Alfred, starring in 'Butlerz N The Hood'.
> "Go on without me!" Alfred yelled back. "Hail a cab, ride into the city and save
> Master Bruce!" Alfred gestured weakly to a Yellow Cab approaching in the
> distance.
MIKE: To the..Yellow Cab.
CROW: That's straining a bit, Mike.
SERVO: This fanfic is straining my *patience* a bit. Get on with it!
> Bruce reached the landing of the ninety-ninth floor, still deep in his hypnotic
> trance.
MIKE: He had the fever for the flavor of a Pringle's.
> The cab pulled up in front of the Dynasty State Building. Robin jumped out and
> ran toward the lobby.
CROW: Suddenly he fell and broke his leg. Bruce jumped off and died. The End. Let's go..
MIKE: Not quite that easy, Crow.
> "Excuse me, sir!" the driver yelled in a thick Middle-Eastern accent. "You owe
> me $4.75."
> "I'm almost out of time!" Robin yelled. "This is a matter of life and death!"
> "There are only two sure things in life -- death and taxes. Your friend's going
> to die and I've got taxes to pay. So give me my $4.75," the cab driver demanded.
CROW: Only $4.75 for a cab ride? You're getting off easy, Boy Blunder.
MIKE: [Cab driver]I don't care if you *are* a superhero sidekick, you still have to pay full fare!
SERVO: [Robin]I bet this doesn't happen to Bucky Barnes!
> "Look, Sirajul, Mujibur, or whatever your name is, a man is about to jump off
> the roof and I have to save him. After I save him, I will come back down and pay
> you double, but right now I just do not have the time. Do you understand?"
> "Yes, I understand that completely," the cab driver said. "But I want my $4.75,
> you costumed freak. How do I know you won't skip out the back door?"
> Robin threw a five dollar bill in the passenger window. "There! There's your
> $4.75, but you should know a man might die today because of your greed and
> mistrust!"
CROW: [Cab driver]Really? Cool!
> Behind him, a body fell out of the sky and splattered onto the sidewalk.
> "AAAAAH! BRUCE!" Robin screamed.
> The cab driver was stunned. "I'm sorry. I didn't believe you."
> Robin knelt over the body. "Wait, that's not Bruce."
MIKE: [Robin]Damn. I just wasted a perfectly good girlie-scream.
> He got up and looked back
> at the cab driver. "Let that be a lesson to you." He turned and ran into the
building.
CROW: [Cab driver]Pansy. Lousy tipper, too. Speedy tips better than this yutz.
MIKE: And so the Boy Hostage races off to attempt a rescue.
> Bruce reached the hundred and twenty-fifth floor landing and opened the door
> reading "Observation Deck," while Robin was yelling for the elevator to go
> faster.
SERVO: And the elevator went slower just to piss him off.
CROW: [Elevator]You want faster huh? Keep dreaming, birdboy.
> Bruce walked slowly onto the deck, past Cary Grant and Deborah Kerr, who were
> making out by the elevator.
CROW: Woohoo!
SERVO: [singing]NA-na-na-na-na..nanaNA..
MIKE: [Cary Grant]Judy, Judy, Judy..
> Bruce reached the railing and prepared to climb over.
> The elevator door dinged open and Robin rushed out, nearly toppling Cary and
> Deborah.
SERVO: [Robin]Scuse me, obligatory celebrity cameo couple.
> The bell sound reached Bruce just as he was about to jump and he instantly
> regained consciousness. He looked down at the streets of Gotham City below him.
> "What the--?"
CROW: [Bruce]The champagne isn't Korbel!
> "BRUCE!" Robin yelled.
MIKE: MITCHELL!
SERVO: ADRIAN!
CROW: KHAAAAAAAAAANNNNNNNNNNNNNN!
> The shock of Robin's voice sent Bruce reeling over the railing. He flailed
> blindly with both arms and managed to grab hold of the bottom railing.
MIKE: It's 'Space Mutiny' all over again.
> "Robin, get me out of here," Bruce said, now fully aware of his situation with
> his usual nonchalance. "We have to get back over to Fresa's office before he
> leaves town with my check and the millionaires' money."
SERVO: How did the guy from Dragon Ball Z get involved in this?
MIKE: That's 'Freeza', not 'Fresa'. Just a typo.
> Robin pulled him up to where he could reach the top railing and climb the rest
> of the way over.
> "I'm so glad you're alright," Robin told him.
CROW: [Robin, in a femmey voice]Now we can go home and snuggle.
> "We'll have plenty of time for sentimentality later, but I do agree with that
> statement. Just remember, Robin, a man never displays his true emotions. That
> means no crying over cavities, no hugging and no thenthitivity." Bruce said the
> last word with a mocking lisp and limp wrist.
SERVO: [Bruce]Got that, girlie boy?
MIKE: Bat-CHAUVINIST.
> "Aunt Harriet would say that's a worn-out, sexist ideal," Robin remarked.
> "And I'd tell her to shut up and cook me dinner," Bruce replied.
CROW: [Bruce]I would never let a woman kick my ass! If she tried, I would say 'Hey woman! Get in the Bat-kitchen and make me some Bat-pie!'
Epilogue
MIKE: Whoo, yeah. Let's all wind down after this *exciting* story.
> A few hours later, in Commissioner Gordon's office...
> "...so we went back to his office and apprehended the Amazing Fresca," Robin
> told the Commissioner.
CROW: [Robin]It was amazing how quickly he wet his pants when we captured him.
> Batman was wearing his costume again.
MIKE: He was dressed as a pink fuzzy bunny.
SERVO: It made him feel pretty.
> Alfred had left the Batcycle, with a full
> tank of gas, outside the Dynasty State Building and taken a cab back home.
CROW: He was chillin' wit' his homeys in da 'hood.
SERVO: Alfred da man.
> "Did Fresca try any of his hypnotic tricks on you?" Commissioner Gordon asked.
> "Actually, I tried some hypnotic tricks on him," Batman replied. "I used the
> power of suggestion to rid him permanently of his hypnotic powers and criminal
> tendencies. You should be able to get him into a work-release program after he
> pays his debt to society."
SERVO: The Amazing Fresca later went on to host a series of infomercials as a motivational speaker.
MIKE: [Fresca]I was brainwashed into success and you can achieve the same goal.
CROW[Fresca]Call now..operators are standing by.
> "It's a good thing you caught him when you did. Mayor Linseed had an appointment
> scheduled with Fresca tomorrow. Gordon checked his watch. "Today, I should say.
> And who knows what trouble Gotham City would have been in if Fresca had gotten
> hold of the mayor's mind through hypnosis?"
SERVO: I dunno..better city government? A police department that isn't thoroughly incompetent?
> "Where's Chief O'Hara?" Robin asked.
> "I don't know," the Commissioner replied. "My secretary, Bonnie, told me he was
> out looking for the three of us. Said he was talking in an English accent."
> "That's strange," Robin remarked.
> The office door opened and Chief O'Hara walked in. A look of delight spread
> across his face as he realized all three of his victims were gathered together
> in one room. "Oh, here you blokes are. I've been traversing the whole of the
> bailiwick in pursuit of this triad. I have in my possession an inanimate article
> to exhibit to you."
CROW: [O'Hara]After which, we shall nip off to the darby and discuss our shedules.
> He reached into his gun holster.
> At the first glimpse of shining silver, Batman whipped out the Batshield.
> "Quick, he's going to shoot at us!"
> Sure enough, O'Hara aimed the gun in their direction and began firing. By that
> time, the Dynamic Duo and Commissioner Gordon were all in the protective custody
> of the bulletproof Batshield.
SERVO: Bat-shields. For everyday feminine protection..when you're not feeling as Bat-fresh as you should be.
> O'Hara soon ran out of bullets, but -- just as the Commissioner had done -- kept
> pulling on the trigger.
> Batman snapped his finger and the gun fell out of O'Hara's hand. "Begorra,
> what's going on here?" He was his old stupid self again.
CROW: [O'Hara, in Goofy voice]Hyuck, hyuck.
MIKE[O'Hara, as Forrest Gump]Stupid is as stupid does, sir.
> "Apparently, Fresca's been up to his old tricks again," Batman said, folding up
> the Batshield. "But we're not going to have to worry about him anymore."
> "You mean, I was hypnotized to shoot at you, Robin and the Commissioner? I'm so
> ashamed of myself." He ran out of the office in tears.
> Gordon ran after him. "Chief, Chief, it's alright. We care about you."
MIKE: [Batman]Wimps. Ah well, let's swing by the 7-11 and pick up some beer and some porno mags.
CROW: [Robin]Black Canary is this month's centerfold. Woowoo!
> Batman turned to Robin after the Chief and Commissioner had left. "Remember what
> I said about real men, Robin."
> "Gosh yes, Batman. It's very easy to take advice on masculinity from a man
> wearing tights,"
SERVO: Ever get the sinking feeling Dr. Wertham might have had something there?
MIKE: Aunt Harriet's just Bruce's beard.
> Robin said without a hint of sarcasm. "What about that check
> you wrote Fresca for your entire fortune?"
> "I destroyed it," Batman replied. "I also worked partial amnesia into his new
> trance-induced state. He won't remember Bruce Wayne ever having been in his
> office, protecting our true identities that much more."
> "But what if he'd tried to cash the check?" Robin asked.
> "He wouldn't have been able to. He ordered me to write a check for my entire
> fortune and naturally, I could merely follow the order, without being able to
> tell him my fortune is tied up in stocks, bonds, money market accounts,
> Christmas Club, a couple million in my mattress...
CROW: [Batman]A hundred thousand stuffed in Mr. Snuggle Pants, my teddy bear...
> That check for the entire sum
> of the fortune would have bounced faster than you could say, 'You are getting
> sleepy.'"
> "No, Officer Sleepy's office is down the hall," Robin replied.
[Mike and the bots groan.]
> "Please, Robin. That joke was bad enough the first time around," Batman told him.
MIKE: No argument there.
> "Case closed?"
> "Yes," Batman said, "with one minor exception. I don't think I'll be able to
> sleep tonight."
CROW: SLEEEEEEEEEEP!
> THE END
MIKE: Just the words I was waiting to see.
> Copyright 1995 Andrew Hicks / Fatboy Productions
ALL: Nanananana..Fatboy!
[They leave the theatre]
[5...4...3..2..1..]
CROW: Well, Mike, it's time for us to recap 'The Amazing Fresca' and see if we can understand just what the flock Hicks was trying to put across here.
MIKE: Okay..what have you got lined up this time, Crow?
CROW: Well, at great expense...mostly to your Discover card, Mike..we have brought in none other than Alfred, Batman's former butler..now known as rap star MC Alfred!
[The hexfield viewscreen opens up. We see Alfred, dressed in hip-hop clothes and wearing lots of (fake)gold chains]
MC ALFRED: I say there, yo homeys! What up?
CROW: Greetings, MC Alfred. We have called you here today to give us an insight into the Batman fanfic 'The Amazing Fresca' by Andrew Hicks.
[Mike and Servo just stare blankly]
MC ALFRED: I am most definitely down wit' dat, sir.
CROW: So could you then, please, MC Alfred, enlighten us.
MC ALFRED: Yo! Listen up.
[Record scratchy noises start. Alfred starts hip hop dancing.]
MC ALFRED: Yo! What up, what up! Yo! What up, what up!
My name is MC Alfred and I'm here to say..
'The Amazing Fresca' bit in a major way...
SERVO: Well, duh..so far, he hasn't said anything we didn't know.
CROW: Don't be dissin' MC Alfred, Servo. [turns to viewscreen]Please, Alfred, don't hurt em.
MIKE: Okay, okay..stop right there. Look, Crow, this stupid rap doesn't explain anything about the fanfic. Besides, MC Alfred is...kinda creepin' me out over there.
MC ALFRED: Hmph. Well, if you honkies don't appreciate my bustin' a rhyme, I'll be gone. Peace. We outta here.
CROW: Mike, you just don't appreciate good music.
[Hexfield viewscreen closes. The red light flashes.]
MIKE: Forget it. Queen Latifah is calling.
[Castle Forrester]
[Pearl is reading the Amazing Fresca's hypnotism book.]
PEARL: Hello, Nelsony. As you can see, I'm studying the Amazing Fresca's hypnotism technique. Soon, I'll be able to hypnotize everyone and RULE THE WORLD! Brain Dude, bring in the test subject!
BRAIN GUY: Yes, Lawgiver.
[Brain Guy teleports Chief O'Hara in]
[SOL Interior]
MIKE: Hey, look, it's Chief O'Hara!
[Castle Forrester]
PEARL: Okay, Chiefy, listen up! Look deep into my eyes..
O'HARA: Both of them?
[Pearl whaps Chief O'Hara with the book]
PEARL: LOOK INTO MY EYES, YOU BUFFOON!
[Chief O'Hara stares right at Pearl]
PEARL: You are getting sleepy...sleepy..sleepy..you are asleep.
[O'Hara falls asleep]
PEARL: Ah-ha..it worked. Now for the fun part. Okay, listen up, O'Hairball...when I snap my fingers you will wake up and sit in that chair...take this gun and shoot Batman and Robin when they walk in. Got that?
O'HARA: Got...that...
[Pearl hands O'Hara a gun and snaps her fingers. He goes and sits in the chair.]
PEARL: Brain Guy, bring in the Caped Cowpatties!
[Brain Guy zaps in Batman and Robin. O'Hara starts shooting at them, but nothing happens.]
PEARL: What in the HELL is going on here? Bobo..you did *load* that gun when I asked, didn't you?
BOBO: Uh..well, that was the problem, Lawgiver, you see, we were..well, you know..out of bullets.
PEARL: I'll put you through exquisite torture later, ape. Right now, RUN LIKE HELL!
[Batman and Robin prepare to duke it out.]
BATMAN: Not so fast, you vile villains! Robin, are you ready?
ROBIN: Holy excitement, Batman! Am I ever!
[Batman and Robin chase Pearl, Observer, and Brain Guy. The screen is suddenly filled with animated ZAP!'s, BIFF!'s and POW!'s, and the sounds of the evil trio groaning in pain.]
[Credits roll]
"It's not like the Commissioner to make attempts on our lives like that, Robin,"
Batman observed. "Something's wrong."