MY Disclaimer: Mystery Science Theatre and all related Characters are
copyright of Best Brains. And while we're at it, Rogue and Gambit are
copyright of Marvel Entertainment. I don't know WHAT this Rebecca chick
thought she was doing with them...Madonna is copyright of who knows what
and God is copyright of no one. My humblest apologies to Judy Blume on
behalf of Miss MacDonald.
This is my first MiSTing, so send all questions, comments and general
hullabaloo to arcadia@npi.net. I enjoy the hullabaloo.
- Arcadia
****************************
(Normal Season 8 opener...since I haven't SEEN any from season
nine..*grumble*)
(Normal view of SOL bridge. Normal guy in a normal-type flight suit
enters from the normal direction.)
MIKE: Hey everybody, welcome to the SOL, I'm Paul McCartney...
(Tom, a normal looking gumball machine on a hoverskirt comes "running"
onto the stage, arms flailing.)
TOM: (voice gradually fades in as he runs from offstage to center.)
...lllllllllliiiiiiiiiiIIIAAAAAAAAARRRR!!!!! (Pauses, gasping for breath)
HOW DARE you defile the fourth name of God like that!
MIKE: (bewildered) What are you talking about, Tom?
TOM: You used the sacred name of McCartney! You...you...took it and wore it
like it was some...garment to be soiled! Oh, ignorant Mortal, thou knowest
not what thou doest! (sobs)
MIKE: (soothing voice) Ookay, Tom...it's all right, I'm sorry. I didn't
know the man...well...meant that much to you.
TOM: (jerks back, his posture showing deep indignation) Man? MAN!? Paul
McCartney is no mere -man-...he is a gift sent from the Lord himself! This
"man", Mike, is a musical ICON!! And you talk of him like you're....(voice
is disgusted)..pals...
MIKE: (sighs while Tom continues to rant) We'll be right back.
(Commercials for Mentos, Zima, and thirty free hours with your own
personal AOL psychic...)
(SOL. Tom is still complaining. Mike has his head down on the table in
defeat, his posture slumped.)
TOM: .....He made the Pop Culture world what it is today! I mean...who could
be able to -function- without hearing the song "Michelle" at least once
a day...come on!
MIKE: (sobbing) OKAY! Okay! I swear to the Lord God who oversees all the
cosmos that I will never take the name Paul McCartney in vain again or
may he strike me down with lightning!
TOM: (snottily) I -suppose- he chooses to forgive you.
MIKE: Since when did you develop this worship of the Beatles anyway,
Tom?
TOM: Not just "The Beatles." I'm president of the "Elect McCartney
President of the United States" fan club.
(Mike just stares at him as the red light flashes.)
MIKE: Oh, look...Sgt. Pepper's Lonelyhearts are calling.
(Castle Forrester. Bobo and Observer are staring intently at a computer
screen. Bobo has the keyboard in his lap .)
OBSERVER: So you say this service...what is it called again?
BOBO: (happily) It's called a chat room. The Webchat Broadcasting
System.
OBSERVER: (dryly) Yes. You say this...webcat will allow us to talk to
creatures all over the cosmos?
BOBO: Of course! (cheerfully) Pre-adolescent ones, too!
OBSERVER: (stroking his brain pan) Lovely. (sigh)
BOBO: Oh, it is! Come on, let's go to the "Singles" chat. (rubs his
hands together, excited, then makes like his navigating through several
links. Observer just sits, a passive look on his face. Bobo sits back
triumphantly.) Okay, we're in. Our screen name is "Silverback."
(chuckles heartily at his joke.) Oh...oh! I kill me!
OBSERVER: (mumbles) I can only dream. (peers at the screen) So what now?
BOBO: Umm....here. Let me say "Hi" to someone. (looks) How about...her?
(points)
OBSERVER: Who?
BOBO: Her....um..(reads)...SaxKitten1107.
OBSERVER: (nods) Oh..all right.
BOBO: What do I say?
OBSERVER: Hmm....What about...(clears throat, then recites the next lines as
if he's reading Shakespeare.) Greetings, fair maiden, thy name sounds
sweeter than that of a bird's song in springtime...(nudges Bobo, pleased
with himself)
BOBO: Oooooooh, that's good. (he types it in, but it comes out on the
screen looking something like -"Gretnegs, flair maydden, yur name sunds
sweter then tht ov a burd's sung in sprinklertyme.")
OBSERVER: (leaning forward, trying eagerly to see over Bobo's shoulder.)
What's she saying??
BOBO: She saaaaaid...(reading off screen slowly)
Hey....cutie...wanna...c...c...cyber? (pauses) What's a cyber?
OBSERVER: (thoughtfully) I don't know...isn't that where we are?
Cyberspace?
BOBO: Yes..OH! It must be like surfing the web!
OBSERVER: (disdainfully) Well, tell her we're already doing that.
BOBO: (reading aloud as he types) No....thanks. Me an
my....friend...are..already... "Cybering" together. He's new...to the...web.
Want..to join...us? (smiles as he presses enter) Ah. There we are.
OBSERVER: What did she say?
BOBO: Odd...she left.
OBSERVER: (huffily) How rude! Without so much as a goodbye!
(Pearl enters)
PEARL: What are you two crack-heads doing?
BOBO: (with an aggreable, innocent smile) Cybering!
(Pearl just stares at him....then with a shake of her head turns to Mike
and Tom.)
PEARL: Three words, Nelson. Fanfic. Fangirl. Deep hurting.
(SOL)
MIKE: That's four words.
(Castle Forrester)
PEARL: Shut up. Let's cut to the chase. I just ate three combo burritos
and I'm feeling bloated. It's by one Rebecca MacDonald who apparently
harboured some sort of deep hatred towards Judy Blume growing up.
Anyway. if this doesn't break you, I've got a whole slew of alternate
endings to Jane Eyre for you to read. Enjoy! (begins to cackle, then
looks over to where Bobo and Observer are still engrossed in the Chat
room. Shakes her head and walks off.)
(SOL)
TOM: Jane Eyre?? Judy Blume?
MIKE: There must have been something in those burritos.
(Crow, a normal gold-plated spidery-bird-type-looking thing with a metal
net for a head, enters)
CROW: Hey Tom, Hey Paul...whew! I thought that segment would never
end...(Tom is wheezing and shaking in anger) .....Tom?? What's wrong?
MIKE: Now you did it, Crow. (Tom's bubble begins to smoke)
CROW: Did what? All I said was "Hey Tom and Paul."
TOM: AAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH! (Chases Crow from the room)
(Lights flash)
MIKE: (with a great sigh. Deadpan.) We got fanfic sign. Yay.
(Door Sequence. 6........5.........4........3........2........1......*)
DISCLAIMER: All characters belong to Marvel. Not making any money,
blah-blah-blah... Oh
yeah and I've totally ripped off Judy Blume and Madonna! YAY!!!
MIKE and the 'BOTS: (weeping and sobbing) Yaay...
Are you there Gawd? It's me, Rogue
MIKE: (As God's Secretary) I'm sorry, the Big Man does not accept
collect cawls..
by Rebecca MacDonald
(lyta@bigfoot.com) (227)
TOM: By rogue34236246347123127000056@aol.com
CROW: Hey, I know her!
TOM: Why am I not surprised...
Mary, y' have t' kick this habit! Rogue thought to herself. It's really
strange an' abnormal -
CROW: (As Rogue) LSD, Vodka, Tequila shots, Crack cocaine...and that's
just in the last hour! (sob)
what am I saying? Ah'm a mutant! O' course I'm strange and abnormal!
MIKE: Hey, you heard it here, folks.
TOM: She said it, not us.
CROW: Yeah, that -bust- is strange and abnormal...what's she got in here,
anyway...the entire *Kleenex* factory??
She grabbed her hairbrush off her dresser. She hopped on top of her bed
in her jammers (Pajamas for all you yanks).
MIKE: Why do I suddenly feel the need to sue for ethnic discrimination?
TOM: And since when is Rogue British?
MIKE: I think it was one of those "Southern" type jokes, Tom.
TOM: Aaaaah, yes...the Civil War was over a century ago, the South lost,
and yet some of 'em are still whining.
She hit "play" on her CD player.
Do do do-do
Do do do-do
Do do do-do
Do do do-do
CROW: It's the theme from Daria!
MIKE and TOM: Copyright! Copyright! Copyright!
She held the brush up to her mouth, took a deep breath and began to
TOM: Cough and choke as a massive ball of hair lodged itself permanently
in her throat!
sing--
"Some boys kiss me
Some boys hug me
And I think they're okay
TOM: Mary's hard on her harem, isn't she?
CROW: (singing as Rogue) Some boys feel me up, and I think they're okay...
MIKE: CROW!!
If they don't give me proper credit
I just walk away"
CROW: (Still singing) If they don't pay me well enough, I just walk
away...
MIKE: I said enough, Crow. Okay, that's it, I'm confiscating all your
Madonna posters.
CROW: Awwww Mike!
She danced around using her best Madonna moves,
CROW: I never knew a person could bend that way.
TOM: She's an X-Man, remember? Of course she can! They all can move like
that...'Specially Jean...row-ROW!
MIKE: Now we know why the world fears and hates them.
she jumped up and down on her bed
MIKE: I bet her mother never sang the Monkey Song to her when she caught
Little Rogue jumping on her bunk bed..
TOM and CROW: ...the Monkey Song?
MIKE: Yeah! All the baby monkeys guilty of jumping on the bed fall off
and suffer massive head and neck trauma. They are then immediately
driven to the emergency room where the cold and heartless doctor will do
nothing to help them except point the proverbial "finger." The baby
Monkeys subsequently die a slow and agonizing death from the massive
hemorrhaging in their brains. I always cried at that part..(Mike sniffs
sadly)
TOM: Uhhh...Mike? You okay?
MIKE: Yeah. (He sobs) It....just....scarred me, that's all.
CROW: You had a cruel, cruel mother, Mikey.
and sang-
"They can beg and
They can plead
But they can't see the light
'Cause the boy with cold hard cash
Is always Mr. Right!
'Cause we are living in a Material World And I am a Material Girl!
Y'know 'Cause we are living in a Material World And I am a Material
Girl!"
CROW: On second thought, Mike, you can HAVE all my Madonna posters. Take
my CD collection, too. I've suddenly lost all interest in ever hearing
anyone sing again.
MIKE: Really?? Even Weird Al??
CROW: ........No...I'll keep Weird Al.
MIKE: Darn.
Rogue hopped up and down to her heart's content. She swung her hair
around like Madonna in the video.
TOM: And in the midst of all this silicone-disrupting-type movement,
Rogue accidentally jumps too high and pokes herself in the eye, causing
permanent blindness...
She jumped off her bed and grabbed her big teddy bear (Mr. Snuggles) of
her coach.
MIKE: The Hell?
TOM: I think the author has some issues from her childhood she hasn't
properly dealt with.
MIKE: Well, perhaps she can deal with them -elsewhere.- Or at least have
the decency to hand out airsick bags to her audience.
She swung him around her room
CROW: (As screaming Mr. Snuggles) I caaaaaaaaaaaaan't feeeeeeeeeeel
myyyyyyyyyyy leeeeeeeeegs....G forrrrrrrrrrrrrrrce
....tooooooo....greaaaaaaaaaaaaaaat..........
dancing and two-stepped on her bed.
"'Cause we are living in a Material World And I am a Material Girl!
Y'know 'Cause we are living in a Material World And I am a Material
Girl!"
TOM: The symbolism here is just so......so..
CROW: Pungent?
MIKE: Mind-numbing?
CROW: Repulsive?
MIKE: Adorable?
CROW: Stupid?
TOM: There it is.
The song ended and Rogue collapsed on her bed.
CROW: Saaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay........
MIKE: (sighing) Crow..
She held Mr. Snuggled up in the air over her head.
TOM: Mr. Snuggles could take no more of the sudden changes in Altitude,
pressure, and G's and subsequently puked his guts out all over Rogue's
face.
"How 'bout another Mr. Snuggles?" she giggled.
MIKE: (As Mr. Snuggles. Sounding like a raspy Danny DiVito.) How about
you burn me on a sacrificial alter and put me outta my misery, eh,
bimbo?
"Well Mary I'd love to!" she said in a low voice, answering for Mr.
Snuggles.
MIKE: (Mr. Snuggles again) Hey! That's not what I was gonna say! I had
something more along the lines of "Kiss my furry, stuffed bear ass" in
mind.
*Knock* *Knock*
The door.
TOM: Naw, we thought it was your toaster...
"Hol' on Mr. Snuggles."
CROW: Saaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay!!!
She set her bear down on her bed and went to open the door.
"Hey chere," there stood Remy in a pair of jeans and T-shirt.
TOM: As opposed to Remy standing in his skivvies?
CROW: Chicks dig Gambit in BVD's.
His scruffy red-brown bob was hanging over his face and he had his hands
in his pockets.
CROW: SAAAAAA-
MIKE: ENOUGH, Crow!
"Havin' 'nother Madonna dance sess with Mr. Snuggles, eh, chere?"
"Maybe."
MIKE: (As Rogue) Yes..no...god Ah hate mah life...
"C'n I be Mr. Snuggles for this one?" he asked smiling as he walked into
her room.
CROW: (As Gambit) C'n I wear a giant fuzzy teddy suit and be mutilated
and fondled by you?
TOM: Definitely some issues..
"If he doesn't mind."
MIKE: (Mr. Snuggles) Oh, I mind all right, you Cajun sleaze..
Rogue blushed closing the door. Remy knew how to flatter and embarrass
her at the same time.
TOM: Insult, yet compliment.
CROW: Disgust, yet charm.
MIKE: Mortify, yet comfort.
TOM: Be bored to sleep, yet still be awake enough to be tortured by this
fanfic.
"Ah don' think he'd mind..."
MIKE: (Mr. Snuggles once more) WHAT?? Doesn't ANYONE ask my opinion
around here?? What am I, stuffed fabric? That's it, I quit. You'll be
hearing from my lawyer, jerks.
Remy went over to her CD player. He picked up the case of the CD she was
playing.
" 'The Immaculate Collection' " he read. "Madonna. She's quite the
inspiration eh, chere?"
TOM: (As Rogue) Especially when it comes to lingerie....
MIKE: Let's not go there.
CROW: Oh, but Mike, -let's-....
Rogue raised an eyebrow. "Y' could call her that..."
MIKE: I love this stubbornly evasive 'tude Rogue's suddenly copped.
TOM: Yeah! If you didn't know better, you would never guess they
actually -love- each other!
CROW: (As Emperor from Star Wars) I can feel the angst welling in you
now...
"Any slow ones?" he asked with a big grin on his face.
"Numbah 6..."
He put the CD on 6 and pressed play. He listened to the intro.
CROW: (As Gambit) This song SUCKS! (throws CD player out the window.)
"Very 80s," he noted.
TOM: (As Gambit) Just like my wardrobe...
"C'mon, chere."
He walked over to her. Rogue put her arms around her neck and Remy put
his hands on her hips. They started to move. She put her head on his
shoulder. They didn't really dance they just moved.. sorta.
TOM: Boy-o-boy, ole Rebecca could be giving Fred Astaire some dancing
tips...
"Crazy for you,
Touch me once
And you'll know it's true
I've never wanted anyone like this
It's all brand new
I'm crazy for you..."
CROW: You know...Jewel isn't sounding half-bad right about now.
TOM: Crow, Marky Mark sounds good about now.
MIKE: Guys, -Jack Kevorkian- sounds good right about now.
'BOTS: So true...
Near the end of the song Rogue realized where his hands were.
"REMY!!!"
"Sorry chere, couldn't help it..." he put his hands back on her hips.
TOM: So we are supposed to infer -what- from this?
MIKE: Heh...Remy got bored and was feeling up Mr. Snuggles?
CROW: Bestiality is never a funny subject, Mike.
Then for some weird reason Rogue started to laugh.
TOM: The gas leak was finally getting to her.
She stopped dancing and took her hands back.
CROW: (As Rogue) Give me those! Mine!
She couldn't stop laughing. She fell down on her bed laughing
hysterically. Remy stood back watching silently. He didn't know what was
going on.
MIKE: Children, can we say Mar-ju-wanna? Sure, I knew you could.
Rogue slowed down and threw her giggles she said:
"Ah expected that from you... hehe..."
CROW: (As Rogue) Ah expected you t' grope me....aaaahHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!! Get
it? GET IT?? DO YOU???
Remy just looked at her wide-eyed. He sat down sat the edge of her bed.
Rogue looked up at him then suddenly stopped. She knew what he was
thinking about. The same thing she was thinking about.
TOM: (Falsetto) Remy?
CROW: (Deep masculine voice) Rogue?
TOM: Are you...you know..thinking what I am?
CROW: Yes...
TOM: Then it's really true...(gasp)
CROW: Pork -is- the other white meat!!
'BOTS: Noooooooooooo!
MIKE: You guys need some help.
"I'd better go," he got up and left.
"Remy--" the door shut
MIKE:....on her ample bosom as she got up to follow him out.
"Crazy for you,
Touch me--"
*CRASH!*
CROW: (Sobbing) Noooooooooooooooooooooooooooo! Mr. Snuuuuuuuggles!!!!!!
TOM: Shut -up-, Crow.
The CD player crashed through the window. Rogue looked down at the pile
of wires and plastic on the ground, sizzling.
"Bitch."
TOM: This message has been brought to you by Midol. When you're on the
rag....please, for God sakes, TAKE IT!!
CROW: So, what, Rogue is their spokeswoman?
MIKE: Aaaah...pre-adolescent hormones. Makes one glad to be middle aged..
(All exit theatre)
(Door sequence. 1..2..3..4..5..6..)
(Tom and Crow are on the bridge. Tom stands off to one side wearing a
beret and a taped-on pair of sunglasses. Crow stands in the middle of
the stage, blindfolded. Three glasses sit in front of him, filled with
what looks like motor oil. Each glass has a number on it, the first "1",
the second "2" and so on.)
TOM: Okay, in this take, when I say action, you pick up the -third-
glass and sip it slooowly. Then you set it back down and
say...."Ah...that's refreshing. I llllllllove it." Got it?
CROW: Yeah...but...hey..
(Mike enters)
MIKE: Hey guys, what's going on?
TOM: Oh, Crow and I are conducting a taste test to see which motor oil
out-performs the other.
MIKE: A...-taste- test? With motor oil??
TOM: Of course! What do you expect us to drink....PEPSI?? I mean, come
on! (Yells into a propped up megaphone) YOU READY, CROW?
CROW: Roger!
TOM: ACTION!
(Crow simply stands there.)
TOM: I saaaid....ACTION!
(Crow shrugs and, using his beak, knocks over the glass. He then begins
to rub his nose in the spilled oil, making slurping noises. He finishes
and leans back, liquid dripping from his mouth.)
TOM: Well?? Say your line.
CROW: I can't.
TOM: Why not??
CROW: (Stands still for a moment, then loses it) BECAUSE YOU CAN'T TASTE
TEST WHEN YOU HAVEN'T A TOUNGE!!!
TOM: ......Oh. Er........hey, Mike....?
(Lights flash.)
MIKE: Heh...HEY! Look! Fanfic sign...We...We'd better get inside...
(All exit)
(Door sequence - 6.......5.......4.......3.......2.......1.....*)
(Mike and 'bots go to their seats. Crow is still browbeating Tom.)
CROW: Taste test, indeed...puh...How about tomorrow night we go BOWLING,
Mr. "I-have-slinkies-for-arms"??
TOM: Oh, shut up.
Rogue sat alone in her favorite tree.
TOM: (As Nell, swaying back and forth) Taaaae in th wiiind....
CROW: THERE'S a movie that dared to ask the question - "How many times
can we stick a nude shot of Jodie Foster in our footage.."
MIKE: Jodie Foster...(shudder)
The sun was setting, the pink and purple clouds streaked across the
western sky. It was so beautiful.
CROW: (Singing) And you'll NEVER hear the wolf cry to the blue corn
moooooooooon!
But it was the last thing on Rogue's mind.
TOM: (As a musing Rogue) I like cheese...
That morning was horrible. It was terrible. She didn't wanna think about
it.
MIKE: And we don't wanna hear about it.
She had avoided Remy all day. And he had avoided her. Rogue had
forgotten about God for as long as she could remember.
CROW: Is that like saying...."I remembered you the day I forgot?"
TOM: How about "I hate you so much I care."
MIKE: Shut up guys, I'm trying to ignore the movie.
When she became a mutant, and was kicked out of the house, she blamed
God. She hated God. Then she made the conscious decission not to hate;
but to not believe. End of story.
TOM: Great! (gets up to leave)
MIKE: Sit back down, Tom.
CROW: Yeah, we're not that lucky.
TOM: Damn.
Now Rogue was desperate. She couldn't fight her feelings.
MIKE: (singing) I can't fight this feelin' any longer.....
She needed to let go. She needed to be physically satisfied with her
relationship with Remy. Without that, they couldn't move forward.
TOM: Or backwards
CROW: Or sideways..
Now Rogue's last resort was God. The thing she hated most...
MIKE: ...Visible panty line....
But she found her self watching the sunset and saying:
MIKE: (As Rogue) AAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHH! I'm BLIIIIIIND!
"Are ya there Gawd... it's me Rogue... Ah used ta pray t' you long time
ago when Ah was Mary Pillman...
MIKE: Again, I say...The Hell?
CROW: I dunno....It kinda has a nice ring to it...like....Barbra
Schninebogger.
TOM: Or Ruth Wolfenbarger.
Ah said Ah hated ya, but Ah ain't sure Ah meant it...
CROW: Jus' like Ah ain't sure iffn Ah passed remedial English...
TOM: Hooked on Ebonics worked fer me!
well Ah wondering if you could lemme touch Remy...
MIKE: (As God) No. Now go away and stop bothering me, you hussy.
just fer a night, ya don' havta... but if ya do... Ah swear... Ah swear
Ah'll go church ev'ry sunday and pray ev'ry night..."
She watched the sun go down below the horizon.
"Amen..."
CROW: A woman.
TOM: Great play, that.
"Chere..."
Rogue looked down at the ground. Remy stood there. A worried look on his
face.
TOM: I sit in the theatre. My brain cells. Dying. One. By. One.
CROW: It's like Shatner, only worse.
TOM: So.
MIKE: True.
"C'n I come up?"
"Yeah... Ah guess..."
He jumped up and grabbed a branch,
MIKE: ....then lost his grip and fell screaming to the ground below. The
End.
he swung himself up beside her.
"This morning... it hurt me...
CROW: Because I'm such a wimpy and two-dimensional character.
it hurt you, chere, I'm sorry."
"S'okay she whispered."
He put his hand on her arm.
"Listen chere, I know we can't touch... but..."
TOM: (as cheesy Gambit) That bear suit's just goin' to waste up there in
my room....you sure you don't wanna -
MIKE: Tom, I have a hard enough time with Crow. Don't encourage him.
CROW: (Primly) Yeah....keep your dirty comments to yourself. What do you
think I am, perverted? Psh! My virgin ears can't take much more.
He looked down at his arm. His bare palm was touching her bare arm.
CROW: Ahh! Too much skin is showing. No way they're gonna show THIS on
PBS!
MIKE: Someone call the censors! Dear god Rebecca, think of the children!
"Oh mon dieu!" he yanked his arm away.
"Wha?"
"My hand was touching your arm--nuttin' happened..."
Rogue's eyes lit up.
MIKE: She had accidentally stuck her finger in a hidden electrical
outlet.
TOM: (Singing) When lines are down don't you hang around...
"Y'sure?"
"Yeah..."
Rogue moved her hand slowly towards his face. Breathing heavily and
nervously.
TOM: (As Gambit) Here, Rogue...have this breath mint....
"Be careful chere..." he whispered softly.
CROW: (weenie voice) I'm pasty and I bruise easily.
He held his breath as her hand came centimeters in front of his face.
MIKE: Ewwww...you didn't wash after you went potty, did you.
"Remy..."
"Rogue..."
TOM: Crow?
CROW: Tom?
TOM: Mike?
MIKE: Tom?
CROW: Mike?
MIKE: Crow?
CROW: Tom?
TOM: Just making sure everybody was here.
MIKE: Okay.
Remy opened his eyes. Her hand was touching his face. Rogue started to
cry.
"Ah can't believe it..."
MIKE: (As sobbing Rogue) Ah cain't buhlieve it's not buttah....spread...
she sobbed as tears of joy trickled down her face. Then she realized --
God! He answered her prayer. "Thank you God..."
TOM: (Whispering) Thank you, Buddha.
CROW: May Allah protect us.
MIKE: Hail Mary, full of grace..
Remy moved a piece of her hair away from her face.
CROW: (Gambit) You really need t' start shavin more often, chere. That
six o'clock shadow is a real turn-off.
He ran his hands gently over her face. He looked at her with his black
and red eyes and gently moved towards her. Rogue closed her eyes. She
felt his lips brush up against hers. Slowly and softly he kissed her.
CROW: When you hold me like this....
TOM: And when you whisper like that...
MIKE: It was so long ago but it's all coming back to me...
ALL: (Busting into song) It's all coming back, it's all coming back to
me noooooooow!
She felt his tongue come into her mouth and run over her teeth.
MIKE: Look out stomach, here it comes...
TOM: That was just a little more description than we needed to stay
healthy.
He broke the kiss and moved away.
"Oh my Gawd..."
CROW: You're the worst kisser I've ever met!
Rogue smiled.
"Chere, we got the mansion to ourselves t'night y'know..." a naughty
look came into his eyes.
Rogue blushed. "Ah can't believe this is happening..."
TOM: (Sobbing) Neither can we.
MIKE: No one will be seated during the gripping "Tree kissing scene."
CROW: Brings a whole new meaning to that song, doesn't it?
TOM and MIKE: (Singing) Rogue and Gambit sittin' in a
tree....M-A-K-E-O-U-T...first comes angst, then comes marriage, then
comes a whole new limited series to take all of our money where they
both die and are resurrected twenty times each!
CROW: That didn't rhyme.
"C'mon chere, don' wanna wast our time,"
CROW: (Singing) They call him Flipper! Flipper! Faster than lightning!
He tooked her hand and they jumped out of the tree and walked towards
the mansion.
TOM: On their way there they had to cross a busy highway and
tragically...(sniff)...they were both hit by a bus.
MIKE: How sad.
(Commercials for car dealerships, the Dominion, and Nano pets.)
Rogue woke up. Then she realized, she wasn't in her bed. She was
somewhere else.
TOM: She realized she was in the seventh layer of fanfic hell.
CROW: Really?? Maybe she can visit us.
She felt the sheets with her hands. They weren't silk like her own, they
were cotton or something.
MIKE: (As a snotty Rogue) Ugh! Natural fibers! I'm going to get the
-worst- rash..
She heard some one breathing.
She opened her eyes. There was someone beside her.
MIKE: God, I wish Rebecca would stop being so specific. I can't take
much more of this detail.
It was Remy. Then all the memories rushed back to her. The darkness, the
body rush,
'BOTS: SUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUURRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRGE!!
the feelings, the emotions... it was too much. Remy started to move, he
rolled over and opened his eyes.
"Hey chere..." he said yawning. "Sleep well?" he smiled.
MIKE: (Prissy Rogue again) Considering the fact that you snore louder
than a vacuum cleaner stuck on "high" and I'm -sleeping- on natural
fibers and a mattress that feels like it's filled with -rocks-..
CROW: (Red-neck husband) Okay, woman! Gawd, sorry Ah asked.
"Oh Gawd..." she started to sob. "What d'Ah do? Wha d'Ah do..." she got
up and grabbed her T-shirt off the floor and threw it on.
CROW: Awwwwww MAN! We were just getting to the -good- part, too!
She ran out into the hall and to her room. Remy followed her.
"What's wrong chere?" he said knocking on the door.
TOM: Nothing! Now could you just bring me some Pepto, please? And get
the Midol while you're at it.
"Ah can't believe Ah... Ah... oh Remy... Mama always told me t'be
married when Ah do it...
MIKE: (Singing) Mamma told me not to come!
CROW: She said -
ALL: (singing) That ain't no way to have fun, son!
And Ah'm not... Ah promised her that..."
Remy just rolled his eyes. No mattah what I do, I always screw up.
TOM: Gah! Now the Narrator's talking with an accent.
CROW: (low moan) The disease...is spreading!
"Chere, last night you matter yer decission and said aurevoir monsieur
hymen, it's too late now, chere. It's gone."
(Tom sits there for a moment, then falls off his seat, laughing.)
TOM: AAAaaaaaaahhhhhhhahhhhhaahahahahahaaaaaaa!
CROW: Oh! Oh! Make it stop, Mike...please...(falls over into Mike's lap,
laughing as well.)
MIKE: Hey! Get off me!!
"F**K YOU REMY LEBEAU! AH HATE YOU--Y-YOU SPERM DISPENSER!!! AH WILL
NEVER TALK TO YOU AGAIN!!!"
MIKE: (falsetto) I'm leaving and I'm taking the Midol with me!
(the 'Bots are still rolling on the floor laughing)
"FINE!!!" he yelled. He banged on the door and walked away. "Bitch."
MIKE: (Deep voice) I'll get my -own- Midol, you wanna play it that
way...(looks at Tom and Crow) Okay guys, enough, you gonna make me do
the rest by myself??
TOM: (from the floor) The thought had crossed our minds..
Rogue sat on her bed holding Mr. Snuggles, crying. She wanted this for
so long, and when she got it she hated it. Why?
TOM: (gets back in his seat) ...ask Why?
It felt so good. She looked up.
"Why'd cha do this, Gawd? Why?"
CROW: (Following suit) Um...exsqueeze me? If I remember correctly, you
-asked- for it, prissy.
Remy and Rogue were stuck together in the mansion the whole week-end.
The rest of the X-Men were off on a mission.
TOM: Convenient, that.
CROW: Yeah, they're probably all out at some beach house on the
California coast having a "Free Love" fest slash comic book signing.
Rogue stayed in her room crying while Remy watched TV. They were both
mad at each other. They felt dissatisfied and empty.
MIKE: (Falsetto) We're out of Milk! (gasp) Remy, you bastard!
TOM: I feel so empty.
They wished they hadn't done it. The relationship was empty. All the
attraction was gone. Empty. The love was gone.
ALL: (singing) You've lost that lovin' feelin...wooo that lovin'
feelin....bring back that lovin' feelin cause it's gone...
TOM: Gone...
MIKE: Gone..
CROW: Woo-ooo...
Rogue walked out to her tree. She sat on the branch.
MIKE: She got a splinter in her butt.
CROW: (Falsetto) Ow! Dangit! Remy will pay...
She began to pray.
"Oh Gawd why?"
TOM:...ask Why?
MIKE: Okay, the running gag has died, Tom. Bury it.
Suddenly a white light flashed across the rainy sky.
CROW: So now it's suddenly raining??
MIKE: They must be in Oklahoma.
"Wha?" Rogue looked up.
Then her eyes blinked. Everything was white.
CROW: (falsetto) Okay, that's the last time I take acid and eat
anchovies before bed.
Suddenly the outline came to her. A cloud or something. Rogue realized
then, that she was in heaven.
TOM: Or...something.
Remy flipped through the stations. MTV, NBC, FOX... CBS.
TOM: BBC, PBS, ABC...
CROW: HBO, Starz, Encore..
MIKE: The Playboy Channel...
('Bots look at him)
CROW: Glass houses, Mikey, glass houses.
Remy had to admit, he loved CBS. He wasn't a big Seinfeld or ER fan. He
liked shows like the Nanny, Cybill and Everybody Loves Raymond.
CROW: So now that we've -established- that we're in hell, would someone
mind telling me where Satan is? I'd like to have my room changed to the
Lake of Fire.
He seemed to appreciate toned down TV. Touched By An Angel was on. Remy
loved that show. He always believed in Angels since he was child.
TOM: Deah God, make me a bird, so that I cain fly fah, fah fah away frum
heah.
CROW: Heh...Roma Downey can touch me any day..
And it took his mind off Rogue. For now. He stretched his legs out on
the couch and watched. Outside the thunder and lightening began...
MIKE: Armageddon had finally come..
'BOTS: Yaaaaay!
crackled of lightening burst out of the sky and was followed by the
clapping thunder.
ALL: (Singing) I'm only happy when it rains!
MIKE: (kiddy voice) Teacher says, every time a nonsensical fanfictional
character is watching TV in the middle of a torrential rainstorm, an
angel gets it's wings!
CROW: That didn't make any sense, Mike.
MIKE: Hey....I'm trying. I'm loosing my steam.
TOM: It's almost over....I hope.
Rogue looked around. She couldn't believe it.
TOM: She wasn't in Kansas anymore....
"Buenos Diaz, Senorita."
MIKE: Yo quiero Taco Bell?
Rogue whirled around. There was a Spanish guy with a big sombrero
playing pool.
MIKE: All together now....
ALL: The Hell?????
"Who are you?"
MIKE: It's Antonio Banderas!
TOM: We can only dream about getting a movie like that up here, Mike.
MIKE: True.
"Le Dieu, Buddha, The Big Cheese..."
CROW: (Perky Rogue) Oh, good, cuz Ah like cheese.
"HUH?"
"God."
MIKE: Seinor Bueno....si...
"Oh..."
TOM: She's sharper than a soggy tuna fish sandwich, isn't she?
CROW: And about as appealing.
"I heard you call, Senorita, I was worried. Green ball, back pocket," he
hit the ball with the stick, it bounced off the side and landed in the
back pocket.
MIKE: The concept of God playing pool just....just....makes me want to
dig out my heart with a spoon.
"Thanks..."
"Y'see you asked to touch Senor LeBeau but when you two do tha nasty you
get mad. Why?"
TOM: I am Indgo Montoya...you keel my fadder....prepare to die!
MIKE: What does that have to do with anything?
TOM: Nothing, I just like saying that. I am Indgo Montoya...you keel my
fadder...prepare to die!
"Ah don' know... It's just..."
CROW: (singing) I'm just a puppet on a string...
"Listen to your Mama," he said. "I'm putting your powers back and
putting you back in the tree. Okey Dokey?"
MIKE: (As Rogue) Noooooooooo! PLEASE Don't send me back to that awful
fanfic! Pleeeeeease!
Rogue stared in awe. This was GOD. This was weird.
TOM: Heh. This segment is entitled... "Rogue's Epiphany."
A flash of white light flew into her eyes. She opened them. She was on
the tree. Remy was beside her.
CROW: ....heh......NAKED. GET IT?
TOM: Woah...like...total Deja Vu...
"Chere, it's okay about what happened this morning..."
CROW: (As Remy) I promise I'll neeeever steal your dresses to go
shopping in again. And all those men I picked up on the way
home?....They'll be gone by tomorrow.
"It's fine Remy." she said. "Really fine. Let's get sometin' to eat."
ALL: (singing) You so fine, you so fine, you so fine you blow my mind,
Hey Remy! (clap clap) Hey Remy! (clap clap)
"'Kay chere..."
THE END
MIKE: So Rogue has her powers back and Remy's mentally irregular..
CROW: And Rogue has a permanent case of PMS...
TOM: And this fanfic is over...
(All sigh)
TOM: Yep. All is right with the world.
(All exit.)
(Backwards door sequence...1..2..3..4..5..6..*)
(SOL Bridge. Tom has a pair of pointy silver cones taped to his chest
and a blonde pony-tail coming from the top of his dome. Crow is wearing
a black satin Microdress with a pair overwhelmingly large fake breasts
protruding from his chest. Toilet tissue sticks out of the top of the
dress. Madonna's Vogue plays in the background and both the 'Bots are
gyrating around alarmingly)
(Mike walks in wearing a black mop-top wig [you know, like Moe's
hairstyle on the Three Stooges] and a fuzzy bear suit. He carries a
guitar.)
MIKE: Hey guys! What are you doing?
TOM: Voguing, Mike! You should try it sometime..
MIKE: (Embarrassed) Aw...well......no. I couldn't.
CROW: Awww...come on, Mike! Let loose! Be free! Strike a pose.
MIKE: Weeeell...okay. (Begins Voguing with his hands) You know, in light
of past experiments, I don't think that fanfic was all that bad...It
hasn't effected me at all. How about you guys? (he walks like an
Egyptian)
TOM: (body spinning around while head stays still) Not me.
CROW: (Moshing with Tom and hitting him in the head with the stuffed
front of his chest) Me neither.
(Console light flashes.)
MIKE: Hey, Evita's calling...(punches button)
(Castle Forrester. Bobo and Observer have not moved from the computer,
and each one has a zombie-type look to their faces. Pearl is standing
over them waving a hand in front of their eyes. Neither moves.)
PEARL: Hey! HEY! WAKE UP! Am I or am I not the Lawgiver around
here....when I say do something, DO IT!
(SOL)
(Dancing has continued)
MIKE: Hey Mrs. Forrester, what's the matter with Brain Guy and Bobo?
(Crow and Tom are tangoing)
(Castle Forrester. Pearl has pushed each one from the console and they
now lay on the floor, inert. She sits and begins to scroll down with the
mouse.)
PEARL: Hell if I know. They've been at this computer all day...something
about finding some fanfic archive called Shifting Sands. It was where
your little doozy today came from, I believe. I think they were reading
it....(begins to read) Ah..hm...let's see....what's this? "Forgiven,
Part Three..." (she trails off as she reads, and a horrified look comes
to her face after a few moments) No....no....I can't take any
more....it's.....it's...horrible, I....AAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHH! (face
goes blank and Zombie-like, as well.)
(SOL) (Mike peers at the screen. Tom is in the background dancing with a
stuffed bear. Crow is swinging from the ceiling, hooting like a chimp)
MIKE: Mrs. Forrester? Mrs. Fooooooorester?? Huh. That's odd. Hope she
doesn't remember anything when she wakes up...
TOM: Mike, you going to stand there all day like a ninny-come-poop, or
what??
MIKE: Oh, yeah! (does a ballerina pose and frolics off the stage singing
"Yellow Submarine" at the top of his lungs)
(End Credits.)
Closing statement: Like I said up top, Mystery Science Theatre 3000 is
copyright of Best Brains Inc. No animals were harmed in the making of
this fanfic. No insult was intended at the author, really truly, so
don't get mad, get even. Any resemblance to any person, alive or dead,
is purely intended. Have a nice day and God save the Queen.
Rogue slowed down and threw her giggles she said:
"Ah expected that from you... hehe..."