This is a MSTing of 2 Power Rangers fanfics and a Gen-13 fanfic by
Turbo Ranger Prime. There are some refs that the casual Power Rangers or
MST3K viewer would easily get, others a regular, long-time viewer would
laugh at, and a few only die-hard fans will find hilarious. There is also
a running gag between the third and fourth breaks, which will be easy to
spot. As always, MST3K belongs to Best Brains Inc. Any characters
or suggestions of characters used in host segments or riff belong to their
individual companies. This may be my last MSTing for a while, so enjoy it.
Rowark
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
(Season 8 Theme)
(Door Sequence)
(MIKE and BOTS are working with various action figure parts. On the table
are various issues of ToyFare magazine.)
SERVO: Hand me some Super Sculpey, Mike.
MIKE: Sure, Tom. (to Cambot) Oh hi, today, the bots and I are making
custom action figures for popular action figure lines. Gypsy will judge our
creations.
CROW: Where's my X-Acto Knife?
SERVO: Right next to the Super Glue.
(Commercial Sign)
MIKE: We'll be right back.
(MST3K Logo)
(Commercials for Lost in Space marathon, Lost In Space Print, Forever
Knight marathon, and Valtrex.)
(SOL)
MIKE: Ok, we're all done with our figures, Gypsy's ready to judge, Tom,
you go first.
SERVO: Well, Mike, I've made a Tapestries Picard.
MIKE: There's already a Tapestries Picard, Tom.
SERVO: Not like this one. This is Jean-Luc Picard in sick bay with a
massive stain on his uniform, with an artificial heart for your Dr
Crusher figure to work on.
MIKE: Well, that certainly is original, Tom. Here's mine. It's for the X-
Men line. It's the figure everyone has been screaming for for years,
a figure of Wolverine.
SERVO: Mike, there are dozens of Wolverine figures out there. Almost every
X-Men assortment has had a Wolverine figure.
MIKE: But this captures the true essence of Wolverine. As you can see,
this particular Wolverine has stacks of money on each claw. This
represents how Wolverine is the sole reason the X-Men books are
still around.
CROW: Not bad, guys, but here's my figure for the Star Wars line, Scott
Bakula.
MIKE and SERVO: Scott Bakula?
MIKE: He wasn't in any Star Wars movie.
CROW: Yes he was. He was in Empire for less than 1 minute. He was the
Imperial who said "Captain Needa, the ship no longer appears on our
scopes."
SERVO: I did not know that.
(Light flashes)
MIKE: Gypsy will have to judge later, the third triumviate is calling.
(Rome)
(Pearl, Observer, and Bobo are surrounded by Roman Centurions)
PEARL: Alright, listen up. Help us get out of here, without blowing up any
planets, and you won't get any movies this week.
(SOL)
MIKE: I know...
(Pulls down nanite viewer)
MIKE: Hello, Nanites.
NANITE: Hello, Ted the Nanite, at your service.
MIKE: Hi Ted, some people down on the planet need to get to their vehicle,
can you help them out?
NANITE: Let's see, how about molecular transference from point A to point
B?
MIKE: Whatever, just as long as it won't blow up any planets.
NANITE: No problem, and done.
(Pearl's Ship)
(Pearl, Observer, and Bobo are preparing for take off)
PEARL: Nice work, Nel-sissy. Earth is still intact and so are we.
(SOL)
CROW: So, no movie this week?
(Pearl's Ship)
PEARL: No Art, no movie. How about three fanfics by Turbo Ranger Prime
instead?
(SOL)
(Movie Sign)
ALL: Oh no, we've got triple fanfic sign!
(Door Sequence)
> Disclaimer: The Power Rangers
SERVO: Just haven't been the same since Kat left.
> and related characters, with the exception of
CROW: Justin, who's scheduled to be executed.
> the Crowmeowme males, are property of Saban Entertainment. The
ALL: (singing) First Noel, the angels did say...
> Crowmeowme males are
MIKE: Steroid abusers.
> my exclusive creation. Some names have been changed
CROW: (as Dragnet announcer) To protect the innocent.
> for the purposes of fiction. All actual
SERVO: Mileage may vary.
> film titles mentioned
MIKE: This Island Earth.
CROW: Revenge of the Creature.
SERVO: Manos: The Hands of Fate.
MIKE: Mitchell.
CROW: Angel's Revenge.
SERVO: The Incredibly Strange Creatures Who Stopped Living and Became
Mixed-Up Zombies.
> belong to their individual studios.
>
>
> Power Rangers
SERVO: Mighty Morphin', Zeo, or Turbo?
> featuring
> The Crowmeowme Brothers
ALL: Noooooooooo!
> in
MIKE: The Ultimate Death Trap, Jenny McCarthy's bedroom.
> Good News, Here to Stay
CROW: Sounds like bad news to me.
> Our story begins in
ALL: A not to distant future.
> 1995. Brian Crowmeowme, out of
CROW: Africa.
> boredom during a
SERVO: Night of passion with Kimberly.
> lull in fighting the forces of
MIKE: Skeletor?
CROW: Cobra?
SERVO: Darth Vader?
> Lord Zedd and Rita Repulsa, writes a
MIKE: Terrible series of fanfics, including a Power Rangers-Babylon 5
crossover.
> screenplay for a movie centering around a character to be played by his
CROW: French Poodle, Babbette.
> beloved wife, Kimberly. The story involves a teenage girl, played by
SERVO: Justin.
> Kimberly, who,
MIKE: Nearly starves herself to death to train for the Olympics.
CROW: Like that would be seen on any channel.
SERVO: Well, maybe NBC.
> in the 1950's, is killed in an automobile accident on the
SERVO: Tallahatchie Bridge.
> way to a formal dance. In the 1990's, her ghost appears to help a teenage
CROW & SERVO: Caveman.
> boy protect the house she grew up in, which he now occupies.
> Filmed for under one million dollars, using actors who were mainly known
> for
MIKE: Dinner Theater.
> television work, the movie, titled Sally Sue, was made, but never
released
SERVO: All copies were confiscated by Tommy, for his personal enjoyment.
> theatrically.
CROW: Coming Never to a theater or drive-in near you.
> A major cable network,
MIKE: QVC.
SERVO: The Game Show Network.
CROW: The Golf Channel.
MIKE: The Sci-Fi Channel.
SERVO: The USA Network.
CROW: Maybe if they had lots of scenes of Kim in lingerie.
> run by a popular Hollywood studio
MIKE: FXM-Movies From Fox.
SERVO: HBO, a division of Time-Warner.
CROW: UPN.
MIKE: That's not cable.
SERVO: Maybe it should be, more people would see it then.
> known for it's family films,
MIKE: Oh, The Cartoon Network.
SERVO: No, The Family Channel.
CROW: You're both wrong, it's Nickelodeon.
> bought the rights to air Sally Sue, and had
> done so occasionally.
MIKE: They bought the rights occasionally?
> It is now August 4, 1997.
SERVO: Judgement Day.
CROW: (as Arnie) Sarah Connor?
MIKE: Uh, guys, Judgement Day was August 29, 1997.
> Earlier that day, Sally Sue aired on said cable network.
MIKE: American Movie Classics.
SERVO: Turner Classic Movies.
CROW: Starz!
> Not having seen it in some time, Brian and Kim, along with
> their hyper-intelligent son, Willy, watch it while
ALL: (singing) Strolling through the park one day, in the very merry of
May.
> visiting Angel Grove. The three of them
SERVO: Successfully destroyed the Power Rangers with Florida Orange Juice.
> arrived in early June and
CROW: Have been three major sponges ever since.
> stayed in Angel Grove, in the mansion currently occupied by
> Brian's brother Bob, his wife Kat, and their newborn son, Alfred.
MIKE: The Butler.
> One reason for the long visit was the fact that Brian
SERVO: Lost the place in Florida by betting on the Tyson-Holyfield fight,
Tyson by KO, 95 seconds into the first round.
> loved taking his family, as well as his former Power Ranger teammates, to
CROW: The Angel Grove Landfill, where they would regularly toss Justin
into
the mountains of refuse.
> the movies. Since they arrived, Brian had taken
MIKE: Leave of his sanity, causing him to believe himself to be Zordon.
> a group consisting of himself, Kim, Willy,
SERVO: Say hey, Willy.
> Bob,
CROW: And Doug McKenzie.
SERVO: (as Doug McKenzie) How's it going, eh?
> Kat,
MIKE: I'll take a piece of *that* Kit-Kat bar.
> Tommy,
ALL: Can you hear me?
> Adam, Tanya, Justin,
ALL: Noooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo!
> Jason, and Rocky
CROW: (as Stallone) Yo Adrian!
> to see The Lost World,
CROW: With those trademark Spielberg scenes of people looking.
> Batman and Robin,
MIKE: Don't tell Pearl, that's her (laughing) fiance's (stops laughing)
movie.
> Hercules,
SERVO: With Kevin Sorbo?
> Men in Black,
CROW: (as Bobo) They're sitting in big eggs.
> and George of the Jungle.
MIKE: Watch out for that concession stand!
> After the movie, Willy went to play
SERVO: Pin the tail on the little jerk in blue.
> on his computer, while Brian and Kim began talking.
CROW: (as Kim) I'm having an affair with Tommy.
MIKE: (as Brian) So am I.
> One month earlier, Kim's
SERVO: Yearly infatuation with Skull because of a potion had to be
canceled
because he was a monkey.
> grandmother had passed away, and ever since,
CROW: Kim hadn't been feeling as spoiled as she used to.
> Kim's dad had felt
MIKE: Like telling his daughter to get a divorce, as she was married to a
loser of the highest magnitude.
> a bit down. The only times he felt better was when
SERVO: He was watching a triple feature of Showgirls, Striptease, and
Casper the Friendly Ghost.
> Kim and Willy came to visit him. That, combined with the fact that her
> gymnastics
CROW: Career had been hindered by her growing addiction to Saltines.
> coach, Gunther Schmidt, went back to Germany on family business,
MIKE: The fact that his father was actually Hitler himself.
> gave Kim an idea, "Honey," Kim said,
SERVO: (as Kim) I shrunk the kid.
> "since we don't really have any reason to stay in Florida,
CROW: Except for the fact that Willy left his favorite toy at Disney
World.
> why don't we move back here. That way,
MIKE: (as Kim) I can be closer to that hunk, Justin.
> Willy and I can visit Dad whenever he's
SERVO: So desperate for company that he'd want to see us.
> feeling really blue. And you could take over
CROW: (as The Brain) The World, Yes!
SERVO: (as Pinky) Narf, Poit, Zort, Egads.
> as the Silver Turbo Ranger, should Bob, Kat and Alfred
SERVO: The butler at Stately Wayne Manor.
> move to England," "I don't know, baby,"
MIKE: (as Brian) My brain just isn't working, hasn't since we saw Batman
and Robin.
> responded Brian, "if Bob and Kat don't move to England,
SERVO: We might have to kick Tanya out of the guest house.
> this place could be awful crowded, especially with Justin living here, so
> that
CROW: He can carry on his affair with Kat.
> the other residents of Little Angels Haven wouldn't get
MIKE: Terribly annoyed by him.
> suspicious about him disappearing all the time." "Well," said
SERVO: Former President Ronald Reagan.
> Kim, in an extremely seductive voice,
ALL: Woo-hoo!
> "maybe I can help convince you, tonight." With that, Brian's curiosity was piqued.
CROW: And so was "Little Brian."
MIKE: Crow!
> When Brian entered
MIKE: Don't even go there, Crow!
CROW: Go where?
> the room that night, he was surprised to see
SERVO: Kat, in a pink, see-through teddy.
> Kim was dressed in
CROW: A penguin costume.
> the formal dress that was her first costume in Sally Sue.
> "Is this how you're going to convince me,
MIKE: No, she's going to make you watch that episode of Saved by The Bell:
the New Class she was in, where she was Screech's girlfriend.
SERVO: Screech, really?
> Kim?" asked Brian. "Not quite," responded Kim, as she
SERVO: Slugged him in the gut, knocking the wind out of him.
> tore it away to reveal the
CROW: Tattoo of Tommy on her belly.
> second outfit she wore in Sally Sue, a bit more revealing and, to Brian, a
> lot more arousing.
ALL: Oh yeah!
> "Feeling convinced yet?" Kim inquired.
ALL: Yes, we are!
> "A little," said Brian. Kim then proceeded to
MIKE: Club him with a wine bottle.
> remove that outfit as she moved towards the bed. At that point, Brian
> turned off the light. He slipped
SERVO: On a banana peel that Justin threw into the bedroom.
> into bed and embraced his beloved,
CROW: His money belt.
> as they let passion carry them away.
MIKE: Like a Kansas twister.
ALL: (singing) Somewhere over the bedroom...
> In the morning, Brian told Kim, "If you want, I'll
SERVO: Put my John Hancock on those divorce papers right after breakfast.
> fax the Florida mansion and have
CROW: Disney World foreclosed.
> all of our stuff packed and shipped back here, we could
MIKE: Be without clothes for, oh, three or four months.
> have it here within three weeks.
ALL: Three Weeks?!
SERVO: (as Scotty) I estimate it'll take four weeks, but I'll have it fer
ya' in three weeks, Captain.
> It could get here sooner, but we'd have to send
CROW: Justin as insurance.
> the jet back to Florida." Kim responded,
MIKE: (dumb voice) What's a jet?
> "Let's wait for it to arrive. That way, if we want to fly
SERVO: (singing) In my beautiful balloon. Take these broken wings and
learn
to fly me to the moon.
> anywhere, we can. I guess I really convinced you last night, huh lover?"
> "I've never felt so
CROW: Cheap and used.
> convinced, my pretty
SERVO: (as Wicked Witch) And your little dog, too.
> pink pterodactyl," said Brian. Kim was
MIKE: (as Bones) Dead, Jim.
> surprised, for Brian hadn't
CROW: Taken off his clothes.
> called her that since they received their
MIKE: Eviction notice.
> ninja powers. Last night must have been
SERVO: Oh, same old, same old.
> better than she thought. Soon she would find out just how much
ALL: (singing) Is that doggy in the window.
> better last night was.
>
> Fast forward
CROW: Rewind.
SERVO: Pause.
MIKE: Play.
CROW: Stop and eject, which is what I'd like to do to this.
> to August 18. Brian had taken everyone to
MIKE: Task about the condition of the mansion's guest rooms.
> see Steel
ALL: What?
(Pearl's Ship)
PEARL: It was a superhero movie starring Shaq and Judd Nelson.
(SOL)
MIKE: No wonder we never heard of it, Shaq is bad enough, but throw in
Judd Nelson...(shudders)
> the previous Saturday, and surprisingly, they were the only people in the
> theater.
SERVO: Sort of like us?
> Kim hadn't been feeling
CROW: Like a woman until Justin had visited her.
> well the past few mornings, and she had her
MIKE: Sniper scope aimed at that no-good, two-timing Tommy.
> suspicions why. She and Brian went to the
SERVO: Emerald City.
> family doctor, the clone of
CROW: Dolly the sheep.
> Brian and Bob made by
MIKE: Smuckers. With a name like Smucker's, it has to be... just OK.
> Bob shortly after the Power Rangers were
SERVO: Destroyed by Lord Zedd.
> re-formed in 1993. The doctor
CROW: Doctor Who?
SERVO: Doctor No?
MIKE: The Doctor on Voyager?
CROW: Doctor Strange?
> soon confirmed Kim's suspicions, she was
MIKE: Turning Japanese, I really think so.
> pregnant.
SERVO: With Tommy's love child.
> Brian decided that
CROW: Beetleborgs would be a good name for a TV series.
> they would tell everyone
MIKE: The proper way to prepare barbecued pork steaks.
> the double dose of
SERVO: Valium.
> good news that night, when they gathered for their weekly ritual of
CROW: Sacrificing some loser who wears blue a lot.
MIKE: A bit anti-Justin, aren't you Crow?
SERVO: Hey, who isn't?
> watching professional wrestling.
MIKE: And these guys are multi-millionaires.
> It was 8 pm PST, and
SERVO: 9pm MST, 10pm CST, 11pm EST.
> the usual group was assembled. Kat was giving Alfred his
MIKE: Two-hundred grand a week allowance.
CROW: The kid isn't even three months old.
MIKE: I know, it goes up to five-hundred thousand when he turns one.
> bottle while Bob was
SERVO: Getting his own bottle.
MIKE: Servo!
> roasting peanuts. He had discovered the perfect
CROW: Body.
MIKE & SERVO: Huh?
> way to roast peanuts when Tanya was
MIKE: Still in the heart of darkest Africa.
> playing baseball. Being a
SERVO: Planters shareholder.
> baseball fan since the invention of the game, Bob knew you just couldn't
> enjoy a game without
CROW: Harry Carrey singing Take Me Out To The Ball Game.
SERVO: (as Harry Carrey) Ho-lee cow!
> fresh roasted peanuts. He occasionally roasted
MIKE: Chestnuts on an open fire, while Jack Frost was nipping at his nose.
> them for the Monday night wrestling get-togethers, and
SERVO: Rotary Club picnics.
> tonight was one of those occasions. Brian was playing
CROW: Pong and Space Invaders.
> against Adam at billiards while Rocky and
MIKE: Bullwinkle were trying to get away from Boris and Natasha with the
help of Mr Peabody and his boy Sherman.
> Tommy were going against Jason and
SERVO: The Argonauts.
> Justin at
CROW: Pinball, but Tommy always won.
MIKE: Well, he is a Pinball Wizard.
SERVO: No, there has to be a trick.
> Ping-Pong. Tanya was still
MIKE: Talking with a wee bit of a Southern Drawl.
> at the guest house, and Kim and Willy were at
SERVO: Discovery Zone.
MIKE: He's got the IQ of a PhD holder.
SERVO: He's still a two-year old.
> one of Kim's favorite malls, on the other side of
CROW: The Black Hole.
> Angel Grove. Brian decided that
MIKE: Cheer worked better than Tide.
> as soon as Kim and Willy got home, they would make
ALL: (singing) All our dreams come true and we'll do it our way, yes our
way.
> the announcement, then he showed off his
SERVO: Priceless collection of ancient Greek rocks.
> billiards skills by banking
CROW: At the Commerce Bank of Angel Grove.
MIKE: Just like the Clampetts.
SERVO: (as Granny) Jed, Jed, Jed.
MIKE: Me and my big mouth.
> the cue ball off all four rails to sink the
MIKE: Bismark.
> 8-ball and beat Adam
SERVO: To a bloody pulp for looking at Kim in a lustful manner.
> for the second game in a row. "How about we throw
CROW: Up.
> darts, instead?" Adam suggested. Brian smiled devilishly and
> used his power, which
CROW: Came from Satan himself, hence the devilish smile.
> once helped form the Morphin Grid, to create a dart and successfully
threw
> it
MIKE: Through the barriers of space and time causing it to hit the board
before it was even thrown.
> into a picture of the original seven Rangers, where it hit Tommy right
> in the crotch. "Ouch!" remarked Tommy,
SERVO: Well, if you insist...Ouch!
> "Remind me not to get you mad
MIKE: About You.
SERVO: Magazine.
CROW: As a hatter.
> at me."
>
> Kim and Willy got home at 8:30, with seven
ALL: (singing) Swans a swimming, six geese a laying, five golden rings...
> shopping bags filled. At 8:45, with everyone gathered in the
> TV room waiting for the wrestling to start, Brian and Kim stood up.
MIKE: Down in front.
> "Everyone," Brian started, "Kim and I
SERVO: Are going to kill you all, starting with Tommy.
> have a few announcements. First of all, since Kim's father has been
> rather depressed since
CROW: The Stock Market Crash of '29.
> her grandmother died, and so that, in case
MIKE: Of fire, break glass.
> Bob and Kat move to England the Silver
SERVO: Surfer will still be published by Marvel.
> power will stay within the
CROW: North American continent.
> family, we have decided to move
MIKE: To Eden Prairie, Minnesota to make a TV show about three individuals
forced to watch episodes of Power Rangers, er, bad movies.
> back here. Our belongings will arrive from
SERVO: Neptune.
> Florida in about a week." Everyone seemed rather
CROW: Bored. In fact, Rocky fell asleep.
> excited about the news. "Our second announcement," Kim continued, "is
> that, well,
MIKE: (as Kim) I'm actually former President Reagan.
> in about eight and a half months, Willy is going to be
SERVO: Executed by a firing squad.
> a brother." An even greater
CROW: Snore came from Rocky, who had been joined in slumber by Adam.
> response came from those assembled,
MIKE: Who are they, the Power Rangers or the Avengers?
> including Willy. Bob came
MIKE: Not one peep, Crow.
CROW: Peep, peep, peep.
(Mike removes Crow's lacrosse racket)
CROW: Ok,ok,ok.
(Mike replaces the racket)
> over to his brother, "I guess I'll begin
SERVO: With a selection by Weird Al Yancovic
> training you in the
CROW: (as Obi-Wan) The Ways of the Force.
> Turbo powers within a few days," Bob told Brian, "and your first lesson
> will be
MIKE: The alphabet.
> proper arm movements right before sticking the key into your Turbo
> Morpher." Giving a nod to his fellow Turbo Rangers, Bob,Kat, Tanya, Adam,
> Tommy and Justin demonstrated the rather rhythmic motions,
SERVO: Oh, the Macarena.
> as if they were about to
CROW: Do the Y-M-C-A.
> shift into turbo. "I could do that hand thing, if not for my back
injury,"
> Rocky told
MIKE: His chiropractor.
> Jason. Jason responded, "I'd ask if they need a
SERVO: Sniveling lackey and yes-man.
> Gold Turbo Ranger, but I doubt I could master that. I had a hard
> enough time getting used to the Gold Rush." He and Rocky began
> to laugh at their
CROW: Former teammates for doing the Macarena.
> statements.
>
> Brian's training began
MIKE: On Dagobah.
SERVO: You mean where it bubbles all the time like a giant carbonated
soda?
CROW: S-O-D-A, Soda.
> the next day. Bob and Kat showed him
SERVO: Countless baby pictures of little Alfred.
> time and again the exact hand movements.
ALL: Hey, Macarena!
> It took him a week and a half before he
CROW: Gave up and started working on The Hustle.
> managed to get it right. Kim was glad she wasn't
> going back to being a
MIKE: Cheerleader.
> Ranger, because of how long it took
SERVO: To regain her figure after giving birth, she'd never be able to fit
into that pink costume with another child on the way.
> Brian to master
CROW: The possibilities.
> those movements. She would stay at home with
MIKE: That little horn-dog, Justin.
> Willy, so as not to risk
SERVO: Clue.
CROW: Stratego.
MIKE: Star Wars Monopoly.
> her pregnancy. After
CROW: The Macarena craze ended, people started doing the limbo again.
> finally mastering the
MIKE: (as Yoda) Force, yes.
> hand movements, Brian began training in the
SERVO: Wrestling ring, so he could enter the WWF.
> various Turbo powers, as well as practicing
CROW: His breathing.
> with the Fury Pike. Being a grandmaster of
MIKE: Chess.
> all fighting skills, Brian had no
SERVO: Chance of becoming an actual Power Rangers character whatsoever.
> problem with the Pike, and there was not
CROW: A single thing keeping him from killing Justin.
> much difference between the Turbo powers and
MIKE: A Sega Genesis.
> the original powers, so
SERVO: When the others shifted into Turbo, he used an old Power Morpher.
> not much training was required. Bob and Justin began
CROW: A duel to the death with the winner getting Kat as a prize.
> working on a simulator
MIKE: I'm fully instrument rated on Microsoft Flight Simulator, you know.
SERVO & CROW: Mike broke the Hubble, Mike broke the Hubble.
> so Brian could get the feel of
SERVO: (singing) Cotton, the fabric of our lives.
> Stretched Fury, the
CROW: Term Bob used for his...
(MIKE glances at CROW)
CROW: (nervously) Favorite ink pen.
> limozord. Even though Je.E.V.S handled most functions,
> there are some things that Bob still does, such as
MIKE: Breathing, eating, sleeping.
> the Turbo shift, and weapons controls. It took
SERVO: Two seconds for Brian to destroy Stretched Fury.
> only a few days for Brian to complete the
CROW: New York Times Crossword puzzle.
SERVO: He should have done the one in TV Guide, that's easier than pie.
> rest of the training, giving him free
MIKE: Passes to Six Flags Over Angel Grove for life.
> time to practice.
>
(SERVO moves to MIKE, ALL exit theater)
(Door Sequence)
(MIKE and CROW are alone on the bridge)
CROW: There was one good thing about that story.
MIKE: What would that be, Crow?
CROW: It ended.
(SERVO enters quickly)
SERVO: (out of breath) Mike, Mike, there's something outside.
MIKE: Cambot, give me Rocket #9.
(Rocket #9 View)
(We see a large, wedge-shaped starship)
(SOL)
CROW: Looks like a star destroyer.
MIKE: I hope not.
(Hexfield opens to reveal guys with white buckets on their heads. A man
dressed like Luke Skywaker steps forward. He is Mr Freako.)
FREAKO: I am Mr Freako. I search the universe for action figures. Do you
have any?
MIKE: Sure, we've got some custom figures we made earlier.
FREAKO: Custom figures? Do I look like Umpire to you?
MIKE & BOTS: Who?
FREAKO: Don't you read Action Figure Times? It's the most popular action
figure site on the web. Their Figure Funnies section has made me
famous.
(Bucket head whispers something to Freako)
FREAKO: I must be going now. My arch foe, Weyoun, has been seen over the
Kenner factory.
(Hexfield closes)
SERVO: What a nut-job!
(Commercial Sign)
MIKE: We'll be right back.
(MST3K Logo)
(Commercials for Psychics USA, Valtrex, and The Lost In Space Marathon)
(ALL Re-Enter theater)
> Power Rangers:
ALL: Nooooooooo!
> Passing the Torch
MIKE: Hot, hot, hot torch, heads up.
> (From a Crowmeowme Point of View)
ALL:AAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHH!
> By
> Turbo Ranger Prime
ALL: AAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHH!
> Disclaimer: All Power Rangers characters, with the exception of
SERVO: Kimberly and Katherine should be hung.
CROW: What about Ashley and Cassie?
SERVO: Who?
> the Crowmeowme males, are property of Saban Entertainment. The Crowmeowme
> males are
CROW: Lucky guys, considering who they each married.
> my exclusive creations, though if Saban wants to use them,
MIKE: No way, Jose.
> I would sell the rights to them for
SERVO: A date with any Pink Ranger, past or present, maybe the first or
current Yellow Ranger.
CROW: Then, you obviously know who Ashley and Cassie are.
MIKE: How about a date with Diavtox?
SERVO: Hmmmmmm...
> a reasonable sum of money, plus
CROW: A date with any of the above.
> storyline approval. Charles is
MIKE: In Charge.
> a throwaway character. This story is based on
SERVO: A highly successful yet poorly criticized television show.
> the situations of the Power Rangers Turbo episodes "Passing The
CROW: Buck.
> Torch", parts 1 & 2. Please note that I use
MIKE: Stove Top Stuffing, instead of potatoes.
> 'tron instead of typing out Pirahnahtron after
SERVO: Breaking the P, I, A, and H keys on my keyboard.
> the first few instances.
>
> It is early September in Angel Grove. Bob and
CROW: Carol and Ted and Alice.
> Katherine Crowmeowme are packing
MIKE: Heat and busting the bad guys.
> for a camping trip. "Well
SERVO: (singing) Come and listen to my story about a man named (as Granny)
Jed,Jed,Jed.
> Kat," says Bob, "this camping trip will be our last
CROW: Tango in Paris.
SERVO: Tom Paris?
> hurrah as Power Rangers, seeing as we
MIKE: Are about to die from radiation fall-out.
> leave for England on Saturday morning."
SERVO: And miss the cartoons?
> "Yes," replies Kat, "by this time next
CROW: Year, we may finally be *in* England.
> week, I'll be a
MIKE: (as Cowardly Lion) King of the Forest.
> student at the Royal Academy." "And we'll be living
ALL: (singing) On the edge.
> in a real English
SERVO: Pub, being used as living dartboards.
> castle," Bob reminds her, "which now features a
CROW: Fully equipped dungeon for a little bondage.
> room where you can practice your dance,
MIKE: Of the Seven Veils, of course.
> for which I will
SERVO: Poke my eyes out.
> provide the music." "Oh, Bob," says a surprised Kat, "you truly are
CROW: An interplanetary loser.
> the most wonderful man in the world, I am so
MIKE: (as Kat) Beautiful and vain.
> glad I married you." And then she kisses
SERVO: Yours truly.
(MIKE & CROW moan)
> him. Kat continues packing while Bob goes
CROW: Postal.
> up to the roof of the mansion.
MIKE: He's waiting for Santa.
> He has a feeling that change is in the wind
SERVO: No, the answer is blowing in the wind.
> for the Rangers, more than
ALL: (singing) A feeling, more than a feeling.
> just he and Kat leaving. Bob looks up
CROW: And is hit by an anvil.
> at the stars, as he often does, and tries to
MIKE: Fly, and fails miserably, falling to his horrid death.
> divine an answer.
SERVO: Your answer must be in the form of a question.
> The next day, Bob, Kat, and
CROW: Some bum who was panhandling.
> Charles the chauffeur begin loading the
ALL: (singing) Truck, and they moved to Beverly...Hills that is.
SERVO: (as Granny) Jed, Jed, Jed.
> luggage into the limo. "Not everyone takes
MIKE: Credit where credit is due.
> a limo camping, huh Kat?" Bob asks, to which Kat replies,
SERVO: (as Kat) I thought you said we were going *Lamping*, as in shopping
for new lamps.
> "Probably not. Are you sure Brian and Kim don't
CROW: Dance and the Rangers don't Rock and Roll.
> mind taking care of Alfred?" Bob looks up to
MIKE: (singing) Skies and see. I'm just a poor boy, I need no sympathy.
> the nursery window, where he sees his brother Brian, who Bob
SERVO: Wishes was still in Florida.
> had designated as his successor to the
CROW: Mantle of Batman.
> Silver Turbo power, Kimberly, the first Pink Ranger, who
MIKE: Is a major babe.
SERVO: Is a great gymnast, and a pretty good singer.
CROW: Is seeing Screech from Saved By The Bell behind her husband's back.
> doesn't wish to resume active
MIKE: Cheerleading.
> Ranger duties, especially since she's pregnant with
SERVO: Justin's love child.
> their second child, and, in Brian's arms,
CROW: An AK-47 and a .357 Magnum.
> Bob and Kat's young son, Alfred.
MIKE: The Batphone, sir.
> "They didn't mind taking care of
ALL: (singing) Business, every day.
> him during the clean-up drive, which was
SERVO: A rip-off of the Clean-Up Club from the first season.
> good considering how things turned out," Bob says.
CROW: Extra Crispy?
> Charles soon interrupts,
MIKE: I'm in charge and I say we leave now.
SERVO: With Scott Baio as the limo driver.
> "We have a problem sir. With all of Mrs. Crowmeowme's luggage
> in the car, there is only room for one passenger."
CROW: It's her Royal Highness' matched luggage.
> "No problem," Bob says,
MIKE: As he turns into ALF.
> pointing to the driveway, as Tommy's
SERVO: Chevy Van.
> pick-up pulls through the gate. "Hey guys," Tommy says, "are you two
ready
> to
CROW: (as Michael Buffer) Rumble!
> go?" "We have a slight problem," Bob says, "perhaps you could
> drive Kat to the campsite. I'll be
ALL: (singing) There for you, when the rain starts to fall.
> right behind you in the limo." "Sure, man," Tommy replies, "no problem,
> man."
MIKE: If he says "Man" one more time I'm going to vomit.
> Bob then pulls Tommy aside, "Don't try anything, Casanova," Bob tells
> Tommy, "otherwise,
SERVO: I'll have to pay you for your services.
> Dimitria will be looking for TWO new rangers, if you get my drift."
CROW: It never snows in Angel Grove, Billy said so.
SERVO: Huh?
CROW: Snow, drift, get it?
SERVO: Oh.
> As he says that, Bob motions to the bow and arrow case in the back seat
of
> the limo.
MIKE: So he's using the Power Weapon usually associated with the Pink
Ranger?
> "Uh, sure man,"
(MIKE pretends to get sick in SERVO's dome)
SERVO: I hope you plan on cleaning that out.
MIKE: Sorry.
> Tommy replies nervously. Bob was thinking back to when
CROW: He killed a man just for singing Do The Hustle.
> Tommy was Brian's leading rival for
MIKE: The Mr Angel Grove Bodybuilding Crown.
> Kim's affections, and how Tommy always looks at
SERVO: Adam and Justin.
> Kat. Soon, the two cars
CROW: Collide in a marvelous wreck.
> pull out of the estate grounds, heading towards the
MIKE: Tunnel Bob painted on the side of a cliff.
> campsite, where Adam, Tanya, and Justin have
SERVO: Recreated the Ninjetti Temple and await for Kat to dress like
Dulcea.
MIKE: Kat as Dulcea, hahahahahahaha.
> started setting up camp.
>
> On the way to the campsite, Divatox's motorcycle riding
CROW: Leather jacket wearing, chain swinging, beer guzzling brawlers.
> Pirahnahtrons
MIKE: End of Line, Dillinger.
> attack Tommy's pick-up. After Kat jumps from the truck,
SERVO: She rolls down a steep embankment and into a raging river.
> Bob tells Charles,
CROW: In charge.
> "Stop the car, she can ride
MIKE: In the trunk.
> on my lap if necessary." As Charles is getting ready to
SERVO: Run Kat over.
> stop, the Pirahnatrons head towards Kat. "I've got to stop
> them," Bob thinks to himself, "but how?" As he thinks,
CROW: Smoke comes out of his ears.
> the bow case slides
MIKE: Right out the open window.
> into him, giving him a sudden
SERVO: Brain hemorrhage.
> inspiration. "Charles, open the
CROW: Pod Bay Door.
SERVO: (as HAL 9000) I can't do that, Dave.
> moonroof, I'm going to get in a
MIKE: Clown car with 59 other archers.
> little archery practice," Bob tells his driver. As Charles opens
> the moonroof, Bob readies his bow and grabs a few
SERVO: Good men.
> arrows. He stands up
CROW: And is knocked down by a tree limb.
> through the moonroof and takes aim at
MIKE: Cavities and tartar, with Aim toothpaste.
> one of the bikes. With Robin Hood-like accuracy, Bob
SERVO: Splits an arrow with another arrow.
> sends an arrow right into
CROW: Kat's abdomen.
SERVO: (as Bob) Oops, sorry honey. The road's pretty bumpy.
> the rear wheel of the bike. After disabling
MIKE: Tommy by sending an arrow through his spine.
> the rest of the bikes, Bob tells Charles,
SERVO: You're still in charge.
> "Drop me off here, then head to the
CROW: Mountains of Busssssscccccchhhhhhh!
> campsite and alert the others."
>
> As Charles heads towards
MIKE: Certain Doom!
(BOTS make ominous music.)
> the campsite, Bob unsheathes
SERVO: A fountain pen.
> his trusty
CROW: Bloodhound, Old Red.
> fillet knife, which he has carried with him since
MIKE: He bought it at the store.
> the first Pirahnatron attack, during
SERVO: Turbo: A Power Rangers Movie.
> the graduation ceremonies. He low-crawls through the tall grass,
> as he prepares to stealthily take out the 'trons.
CROW: Disks or Light Cycles?
> T.J. and Cassie
MIKE & SERVO: Who?
> don't see him, so they think Kat is
SERVO: A virgin.
> all alone against the 'trons. Bob,using
CROW: Bribery.
> ninja techniques which Brian taught him, carefully takes
> out several 'Trons,
MIKE: For dinner and a movie.
> as T.J. and Cassie help Kat finish off some
SERVO: Leftovers from KFC.
> others. Soon, Adam,
CROW: Adam West?
> Tanya, and Justin,
ALL: Noooooooooo!
> all Morphed, show up. After T.J. and Cassie
MIKE & SERVO: Who?
> leave the scene, Bob calls
SERVO: His Allstate Insurance Agent.
> Charles on his cellular phone and tells him to return to
ALL: (singing) Sender, address unknown. No such person, no such zone.
> the mansion, as the five Rangers teleport to
CROW: Deep Space Nine.
SERVO: You mean Terok Nor.
> the Power Chamber.
>
> In the Power Chamber, Dimitria shows the Rangers
MIKE: Home movies of Alpha 6 being constructed.
> the hourglass.
SERVO: Oh, so it's time for Days of our Lives.
CROW: Yeah, Austin and Carrie finally got married, you know.
MIKE: Really, what about Bo and Hope and Billy?
> Bob deduces what that means and has Alpha 6
CROW: Destroyed.
SERVO: And their is great rejoicing.
> contact Brian back at the mansion, so that Brian has enough time to
> get to the Power Chamber. Soon, the Rangers shift into
MIKE: (as Rod Serling) The Twilight Zone.
> turbo and try to stop Flameite.
SERVO: Sounds like the name for a barbecue grill.
> Bob would have called
CROW: Collect using 1-800-COLLECT and save Kat 44%, but he forgot.
SERVO: (as Kat) You could have saved me 44%? I want a divorce.
> out Je.E.V.S. and Stretched Fury, except for one minor problem.
MIKE: No gas.
> Stretched Fury is parked
SERVO: In a tow-away zone.
> at the rear of the TurboZord storage bay, thus it cannot be
> used unless the
ALL: (singing) Moon is in the seventh house, and Jupiter aligns with Mars.
> other TurboZords are used. In the meantime, Brian has
CROW: Made plans to become the new Pink Ranger as well.
> arrived at the Power Chamber, where he prepares to once again become
> the Silver Ranger. Dimitria tells him this,
MIKE: (as Dimitria) "If enough things change, will I be able to speak in
statements?"
> "If all Rangers but Justin were replaced, who would be the
SERVO: More annoying, Justin or Alpha 6?
> most experienced Ranger? And should the leader of the Power Rangers be
> determined by
CROW: A toss of a coin?
SERVO: So Two-Face is in charge of selecting the leader of the Power
Rangers?
CROW: Yeah, The Riddler designs their costumes.
> color of costume or
MIKE: A fair contest of wits and skill.
> amount of experience?" Brian, being a
SERVO: Complete idiot, has no idea what she said to him.
> master of riddles, easily determines this to mean that, unless Tommy
> chooses a former Ranger to replace him, Brian would be the
CROW: New Miss America.
> most experienced Power Ranger, and as such would be the true
> leader of the team. Brian also determines Justin should be
> second in command.
ALL: Noooooooooooooo!
> Eventually, Tommy arrives at the scene.
MIKE: Since he was late, the director, Weed Memlo III, fired him.
> The Rangers call forth their TurboZords. Once
SERVO: Upon a time...
> Stretched Fury transforms into LimoZord Warrior mode,
CROW: A Transforming Limo, I think that was a Tonka Go-Bot.
> Bob and Je.E.V.S. begin their portion of the
MIKE: Operation Meltdown.
BOTS: Huh?
> TurboMegzord spin-out maneuver.
ALL: Nooooooo!
> The Antenna-Rang,
SERVO: The Hell?
> LimoZord's primary weapon, is thrown and begins encircling Flameite
> in what Bob dubbed
CROW: As opposed to subtitled.
> the "Holding Pattern" technique. With the Antenna-Rang keeping Flameite
in
> one spot, TurboMegazord easily finishes off
MIKE: The damage Flameite started on Angel Grove.
> Divatox's latest
SERVO: Shipment from Victoria's Secret.
> minion. Bob then realizes
CROW: He left the oven on.
> something and tells the others, "This is the first time
MIKE: I didn't have to clean off the Limozord after a battle.
> since the graduation ceremony that Divatox hasn't planted a
SERVO: Octoplant.
> detonator anywhere." With Flameite defeated, the Rangers head to
CROW: A watery grave.
> the Power Chamber, for a
MIKE: Massive brow-beating.
> solemn ceremony.
>
> As the ceremony begins, all are pleasantly surprised by the appearance
> of
SERVO: The Justin Termination Squad.
> Alpha 5
CROW: You mean, mr Ay-yi-yi?
> and Zordon,
ALL: Huzzah!
> especially Brian, who considered Zordon to be like a second brother.
SERVO: He considers Bob to be like a third brother, though.
> Brian only wishes Kim could be there, as she considered Zordon to be like
> a father to her.
MIKE: Except for the fact that Zordon leered at her lustily, which her
father never did.
> Bob notices that Kat
SERVO: Is looking at Kim in an "Ellen" sort-of way.
> and the others each say something to their replacements,
MIKE & SERVO: REPLACEMENTS????????
> which include their reasons for selecting them as their replacements.
> When it's Bob's turn, he says this,
CROW: (as Bob) You want these powers, just try and take them from me.
> "Well, Brian, I guess it's just to keep the power in the family,
MIKE: (as Archie Bunker) Stifle it, huh, Justin, you meathead.
> thus I make you, my brother, my best friend, the old new Silver Ranger, or
> is it the new old Silver Ranger,
SERVO: Or whatever.
> well, you get the idea."
CROW: No, we don't.
> As the ceremony concludes, Brian tells all,
MIKE: In a shocking best seller called "Power Morphers and Lingerie."
> "My friends, I want everyone to come to
ALL: (singing) My Window.
> the mansion Friday night for a party where we shall
SERVO: Oh, maybe, do a little dance, maybe make a little love, and just
get down tonight.
> bid farewell to Bob, Kat and little Alfred as they prepare to move to
CROW: Eden Prairie, Minnesota, where they will...
MIKE: We did that joke already.
CROW: Really, it seems like weeks since we did that.
> England, and welcome to the four
MIKE: Tops and the Temptations.
> newest Rangers." Brian then teleports to the mansion, and returns
> moments later with
SERVO: A thermo-nuclear device.
> Kim, so she can see Zordon and Alpha,
CROW: (as Kim) Watch those hands, you lecherous little robot.
> and meet the new Rangers. Zordon and Alpha feel
MIKE: Up Kimberly, Katherine, Ashley, and Cassie.
> honored that Bob and Kat's son is named for them,
SERVO: While depressed by the fact that they may never be seen again.
> and congratulate Brian and Kim on their impending arrival.
CROW: Starring Charlie Sheen.
(SERVO moves towards MIKE)
(ALL exit theater)
(MST3K logo)
(Commercials for Bloodlust: Vampires of October, Valtrex, and psychics)
(Bridge-SOL)
(MIKE is watching the Star Wars Trilogy: Special Edition)
CROW: You know Mike, they did bad things when they did the special edition
of Jedi?
MIKE: Really?
SERVO: Yes indeed, they removed the two best songs in the whole trilogy.
MIKE: What songs:
CROW: Lapti Nek and the Ewok Celebration Song.
SERVO: (singing) Yub-yub. Ewok-a yub-yub.
MIKE: But what about Jedi rocks and the celebrations on Cloud City,
Tatooine and Coruscant?
SERVO: That's all nice, but then there is the worst injustice of all.
MIKE: And that is?
CROW: Boba Fett flirting with the dancers.
MIKE: Why is that an injustice?
SERVO: You read Tales of the Bounty Hunters? I've seen it on your
bookshelf.
MIKE: Guys, George Lucas has always reserved the right to declare anything
in any of the books non-canon. That is the first example.
(Movie Sign)
ALL: We've got fanfic sign!
(Door Sequence)
(ALL re-enter theater)
> Gen-13
MIKE: Yeah, babes drawn with unrealistic proportions that make fan-boys
drool.
> meet
ALL: (singing) The Flinstones, there the modern stone age family.
> The Classicist
> by
> Turbo Ranger Prime
SERVO: At least he's branching out.
> Disclaimer: All Gen-13, Team 7, and WildC.A.T.s
CROW: That practically all of Wildstorm's titles.
MIKE: Not quite.
> characters are property of Jim Lee, Wildstorm Entertainment and Image
> Comics.
MIKE: Which means this story was late.
> Star Wars
(ALL hum Star Wars theme)
> and related characters are property of Lucasfilm. Batman and Superman are
SERVO: Fresh from their team-up on Kid's WB.
> property of DC Comics, a division of Time-Warner. Other listed films
CROW: Devil Doll.
MIKE: Outlaw.
SERVO: Riding with Death.
CROW: The Amazing Colossal Man
MIKE: Girl's Town.
SERVO: Santa Claus Conquers The Martians.
CROW: The Magic Sword.
> belong to
MIKE: Us.
> the individual studios and production companies. The Classicist and his
> immediate family are
SERVO: Deceased.
> my original and exclusive creations. This story cannot be
CROW: Folded, spindled, or mutilated.
> posted elsewhere in this or a modified form without my consent.
>
> Our story begins many years ago.
ALL: In a galaxy many parsecs away.
> Photo-jounalist Jake Shakespeare
MIKE: To use the flash, or not to use the flash, that is the question.
> is covering the famed
SERVO: Radio City Music Hall Rockettes.
> Team 7.
CROW: I prefer Team 6.5.
> He has become good friends with several members of Team 7, especially John
> Lynch
MIKE: Inventor of the Lynch Mob.
> and Alex Fairchild.
SERVO: Lady Elaine's brother?
> Jake is with Team 7 when they are exposed
CROW: As Russkie Spies.
> to the Gen Factor.
ALL: (singing) Gen is truly outrageous.
> Some unknown factor in Jake's DNA prevents him from
MIKE: Evolving past cro-magnon.
> gaining super-powers, like the members
SERVO: (as Beavis or Butt-Head) Huh-huh,huh-huh, he said members.
> of Team 7, but it will become his
CROW: Burden for years to come.
> legacy. After that mission, he returns home to his wife,
> Anna, although he still keeps in touch with
MIKE: A stripper he met in Hong Kong.
> Lynch and Fairchild. One year later, Anna gives birth to a son,
> Michelangelo Amadeus
SERVO: Rock me, Amadeus.
> Shakespeare, so named because his parents desire for him to
> excel in arts and music, with Lynch as his godfather.
CROW: Who made him an offer he couldn't refuse.
> Young Mike,
MIKE: Yes?
> as his parents call him,
SERVO: (as parent) Come here, Young Mike.
CROW: (as parent) Young Mike, it's time for supper.
> excels in both, as well as
CROW: Greco-Roman Wrestling.
> literature. By age 10, he has composed three symphonies,
MIKE: One for each tenor.
> sold numerous paintings and statues, and written many poems, plays, and
> stories. His IQ is so high,
ALL: How High Is It?
> he was a college graduate by age 18. His greatest talent, however,
> had yet to be discovered.
>
> The now 20 year old Mike
MIKE: Yes?
> is riding
ALL: With Death.
> with his parents, while sketching
SERVO: Nudes of Courtney Cox and Jennifer Aniston.
> one of the fanciful creatures which have populated
CROW: Munchkinland.
> many of his paintings and statues. An on-coming car, driven by
MIKE: Pearl and Brain Guy.
> an intoxicated
SERVO: Teddy Kennedy.
> individual, slams into the Shakespeare family automobile on a lonely
> country road.
ALL: (singing) Take me home, country road...
> The impact causes Mike
MIKE: Yes?
> to touch his sketch with his two pinkies
CROW: Narf, poit, zort, egad, troz.
SERVO: Narf, poit, zort, egad, troz.
MIKE: Pinkies and the Brain.
(BOTS laugh)
> only. A strange glow surrounds the sketch and the creature,
MIKE: From the Black Lagoon.
> a flying cat,
SERVO: Which happens to belong to the Flying Nun.
> comes to life,
CROW: It's alive, it's alive!
(CROW laughs maniacally)
> carrying Mike
MIKE: Yes?
> out of the wreckage. His parents are not so lucky, as they
SERVO: Are forced to watch bad movies.
> are killed instantly. After setting Mike
MIKE: Yes?
> down, the flying cat
CROW: Starring Sally Field.
> disappears, returning to the sketch pad. At his parents funeral, Mike
> is comforted by Lynch, to whom Mike
MIKE: Yes?
> confides about his
SERVO: Lack of sexual experience.
> powers. Lynch asks Mike
MIKE: Yes?
> to come with him to
ALL: (singing) A world of pure imagination.
> San Diego,
CROW: Must be going to the big Comic Con.
> for some tests.
SERVO: (as Lynch) Now, I want you to tell me when you hear the tone.
> Mike,
MIKE: Yes?
> having no reason to stay, agrees.
>
> On the journey to San Diego, other
SERVO: Reasons for Mike going to San Diego are discussed.
CROW: Namely Fairchild, Freefall, and Rainmaker.
MIKE: Yeah, but Rainmaker would prefer Ellen.
> powers are discovered within Mike.
MIKE: Yes?
> First, he is reading
SERVO: Fun with Dick and Jane.
MIKE: Run Spot run.
> Hamlet, and Lynch asks him to
CROW: Read to himself.
> perform the soliloquy, which Mike
MIKE: Yes?
> graciously agrees to do. When Mike
MIKE: Yes?
> gets to the section about "the slings and arrows of outrageous fortune,"
> a unique thing happens.
SERVO: Vanna White and Pat Sajak appear in the back of the car.
MIKE: That's Wheel of Fortune.
> Outside of the car in which they are riding,
ALL: With Death.
> slings and arrows appear, as if held by
CROW: Pat and Vanna.
> ghosts.
MIKE: Who ya gonna call?
> Each sling and arrow is clearly marked "Outrageous Fortune,"
SERVO: Starring Shelly Long and Bette Middler.
> leading Lynch to remark,
CROW: (as Lynch) Outrageous Fortune, that was a bad movie.
> "I'm glad you stopped before you got to
MIKE: The point of no return.
> the sea of troubles." When Mike
MIKE: Yes?
> closed his
SERVO: Pants.
> copy of Hamlet, the
CROW: Bard turned over in his grave.
> slings and arrows
MIKE: No bows?
> vanished. "You seem to be
SERVO: (as C-3PO) Made to suffer, it's your lot in life.
CROW: C-3PO, now there is an actor.
> extremely powerful," Lynch told him, "I wonder what
CROW: The future hold for Ross and Rachel?
> else you can do?" That question was soon
MIKE: Rendered moot as the car was crushed by a collapsing highway
overpass.
> answered, as Lynch turned
SERVO: Into a bird and flew away.
> on the radio. He selected a
CROW: Howard Stern affiliate, causing Mike to jump out of the car to his
death.
> classical music station, which was
MIKE: Extremely static filled.
> in a commercial when he
SERVO: Drove off a cliff.
> first turned it on. The first selection played after the commercial was
> Wagner's
CROW: Hart to Hart.
> Ride of the Valkyrie, which caused Mike
MIKE: Yes?
> to begin glowing. Lynch stopped that
SERVO: Pigeon.
> car, and Mike
MIKE: Yes?
> got out, the radio
ALL: (singing) Ohhhhhhhh, on the radio.
> still audible. Soon, wings
CROW: Which one the sitcom or the documentary program?
> sprouted out of Mike's back,
MIKE: I was back before Earth blew up.
CROW: Unfortunate for Earth, Observer's Planet, and Camping World.
> and a golden
SERVO: Afternoon.
> spear formed in his hand. Mike
MIKE: Yes?
> took to the air like
CROW: A lead balloon, plummeting to his death.
> an eagle, yet, as soon as Lynch turned off the radio, Mike
MIKE: Yes?
> automatically floated to the ground, where the wings and spear
> disappeared, just as suddenly
ALL: Susan.
> as the flying cat,
SERVO: Starring Sally Field.
> the slings,
CROW: Slings Blade?
> and the arrows had. "You're powers are
MIKE: (as Darth Vader) Weak, old man.
> greater than
SERVO: Less than.
MIKE: Equal to.
> anything I've ever seen, and
CROW: I'm blind.
> I've seen a lot," said Lynch, "When we get to San
ALL: (singing) Francisco, be sure to wear some flowers in your hair.
> Diego, I've got some friends
ALL: (singing) So, no one told you life was gonna be this way...
(MIKE claps hands 4 times)
SERVO: I get Monica.
CROW: I get Rachel.
MIKE: So, I'm stuck with Phoebe?
CROW: Unless you'd rather have one of the guys.
(CROW snickers)
> I want you to meet."
>
> Soon, the two of them arrive outside the
CROW: White House and are greeted with sniper fire.
> residence Lynch shares with
MIKE: Crissy and Janet.
> five special young people.
SERVO: G-Force?
> "Alright, team, front and center." Lynch cries out.
CROW: You big baby.
> Soon, those five
ALL: (singing) Golden rings.
> special persons arrive in the living room; Fairchild,
MIKE: Lady Elaine?
> Burnout,
SERVO: He did too much of one thing.
> Freefall,
CROW: Tom Petty?
> Grunge
MIKE: Scrubbing bubbles should take care of that.
> and Rainmaker,
SERVO: I love that play.
> the members of Gen-13.
CROW: But there's only five of them.
> Each one empowered by
MIKE: A Zeo crystal.
> the Gen factor, just like Mike.
ALL: (singing) Like Mike, if I could be like Mike.
> "Team," says Lynch, "we may have a new member.
CROW: (as Beavis) Huh-huh, huh-huh, he said member.
> This is Michelangelo
MIKE: My favorite Ninja Turtle.
> Amadeus Shakespeare, my godson.
SERVO: (as Marlon Brando) He sleeps with the fishes.
> He has some rather
CROW: Lovely paintings to sell.
> unique powers. Mike,
MIKE: Yes?
> these are my charges,
SERVO: Visa, Mastercard, American Express, and Discover.
> like you, they have
CROW: No social life.
> special powers, they are known as
MIKE: G-Force: Guardians of Space!
> Gen-13." Lynch then turns to Caitlin,
SERVO: (as Lynch) Make love to me, now.
> "His father was a
ALL: (singing) Rolling Stone.
> good friend of your dad's, I want you to
CROW: Do me, baby.
> show him around." "He seems
MIKE: (as C-3PO) Very Friendly.
> normal enough," says Fairchild.
SERVO: Boomerang, toomerang, zoomerang.
> Lynch then tells Mike,
MIKE: Yes?
CROW: Do that once more and Servo and I won't be responsible for our
actions.
> "We'll begin those tests first thing in the morning,
CROW: (as Lynch) Starting with an Anal probe.
> Caitlin here, you can call her Cat
ALL: Purrrrr!
> if you want, she's going to show you
MIKE: Herself.
> around. Her father was a
SERVO: Navigator on a spice freighter.
> good friend of your father's." Lynch then leaves to arrange
CROW: A marriage.
> for the tests as Caitlin begins to give Mike
MIKE: Yes?
SERVO: (as Pesto from Animaniacs) That's it.
(SERVO & CROW jump on MIKE)
MIKE: Alright, I surrender.
(BOTS return to their seats.)
> his tour. "So," Caitlin asks, "what exactly are your 'rather unique
> powers'?" Mike replies,
MIKE: I don't have any powers.
> "I'm not sure
SERVO: I use Speed Stick.
> if I've seen the full extent
(CROW starts to speak)
MIKE: Watch what you say, mister.
CROW: Darn.
> of them," and proceeds to recap the three
MIKE: Musketeers.
> power manifestations to the lovely
ALL: (singing) Rita meter maid. lovely Rita meter maid.
> redhead. "Wow!" Caitlin says,
SERVO: (as Caitlin) You're smart.
> "Those are pretty awesome. I wonder
CROW: Who wrote the book of love?
> if other songs would have different effects on you?"
MIKE: Toobular, Boobular Joy?
SERVO: Brain Song?
CROW: Ode to Estelle?
> "Perhaps the tests Mr Lynch will perform on me will determine
ALL: (singing) Should I stay or should I go?
> that," replies Mike, as he looks at Fairchild, simply staring
SERVO: Out into space.
> into her eyes, like a love-sick fool.
>
> Mike was given
CROW: A severe beating by two loveable robots.
> standard quarters, which he soon began decorating with some
MIKE: Frilly things and lace and pillow shams.
> of his sketches and sculptures. He made sure that
SERVO: They would sell no wine before it's time.
> at no time his pinkies
ALL: Narf!
> were the only fingers touching his creations.
CROW: But he forgot about his toes.
> He then turned on the radio, in time for
MIKE: Rush Limbaugh.
> Dance of the Sugar Plum Fairies, from the Nutcracker. As it played, his
> eyes began glowing and he soon found himself
SERVO: Tripping out, man.
> looking at Caitlin's room... through a wall.
CROW: He saw her collection of knives and guns.
> He began writing down notes
MIKE: For a song about a brain in a jar.
> about his powers
SERVO: Wouldn't make much of a song.
> when he saw Caitlin enter her room and begin undressing.
(ALL make cheering noises, wolf whistles, and the like.
> Being a modest individual, Mike shut off the radio, so as not to see more
> than he should.
CROW: What a moron.
SERVO: Yeah.
MIKE: Who wouldn't want to look at Fairchild in the buff?
SERVO: Harvey Fierstein.
> He soon undressed to prepare for
MIKE: Tomorrow night.
SERVO: (as Pinky) Why, what are we going to do tomorrow night?
MIKE: (as Brain) Same thing we do every night, try to take over the world!
CROW: (singing) They're dinky, they're Pinky and the Brain, brain, brain,
brain, brain.
(Rome)
OBSERVER: What was that about a brain?
(SOL)
ALL: Nothing.
> bed himself, putting in a book on tape of
SERVO: Men Are From Mars, Women Are From Venus.
> Star Wars, hoping it would prevent
CROW: A period of civil war.
> any more manifestations of his powers before
MIKE: It's time.
> the tests in the morning. That night, he dreamt about
SERVO: The Amazing Rando!
> Fairchild,
CROW: And her Museum-Go-Round.
> he saw her as Princess Leia and himself as
MIKE: Wedge.
> Han Solo. His dream covered the entire trilogy, with other members of Gen-
> 13 filling other roles; Lynch was
SERVO: Cliff from Cheers, aka Major Derlin the "Everybody to your
stations,
let's go." guy.
> Obi-Wan, Burnout was
CROW: Bib Fortuna.
> Luke, Freefall and Rainmaker were
MIKE: Brea and Senni Tonikka, the twins in the cantina.
> R2-D2 and C-3PO, and, for some strange reason, Grunge was
SERVO: The Space Slug in the asteroid.
> Jabba the Hutt.
>
(ALL exit theater)
(Door Sequence)
MIKE: And now, a point-counterpoint debate on the current fanfic. Mr Servo
will support it, Mr T. Robot will oppose. Mr Servo, you may begin.
SERVO: I can say nothing to support this fanfic.
MIKE: You have to.
SERVO: Ok, well, it's got Fairchild in it, and this Mike guy dreamt about
Star Wars. There, is that good enough.
MIKE: A little better, Mr T. Robot, your counterpoint, please.
CROW: I can sum up my point in three little words: Turbo Ranger Prime.
This guy is the Ratliff of Power Rangers. Instead of Marissa and the Kids
Crew, we get the Crowmeowme Brothers and their hyper-intelligent
offspring. Even though this is not a Power Rangers fanfic, this
Classicist guy could be just as bad as the Crowmeowmes.
SERVO: He's got a good point there, Mike.
(Commercial sign)
MIKE: We'll be right back.
(MST3K Logo)
(Commercials for Bowflex Power Pro, Bloodlust: Vampires of October, Lost
In
Space Marathon, psychics, Valtrex, and the Dead Leaves? spot.)
(ALL re-enter theater)
> At 6 am, Lynch woke Mike up,
CROW: So he's a rooster?
> the tests were to begin at 7:30. Mike got dressed and went downstairs for a
> healthy breakfast.
MIKE: Waffles?
BOTS: Noooooo!
> Aside from his various artistic skills, Mike was also a
SERVO: Complete moron.
> masterful chef, able to prepare anything from simple
CROW: Ice cubes.
> cookies to elaborate dishes like
CROW: Boiling water.
> Baked Alaska. He prepared himself some pancakes,
MIKE: Flap jacks, mmm-mmm.
> using his own special recipe. He squeezed
SERVO: The life out of Grunge, like Leia did to Jabba.
> some oranges for fresh juice, leaving enough pancakes and juice
CROW: Does he work at McDonalds?
> for
MIKE: The entire population of Rhode Island.
> the other residents. Then, Lynch took him to a
SERVO: Shallow grave.
> nearby lab facility to begin the
CROW: (as Howard Cossell) Battle of the Network Stars.
> tests. The first tests were involving music. Lynch played Ride of the
MIKE: Hell's Angels.
> Valkyrie, and once again, Mike sprouted wings and formed
ALL: Blazing sword.
> a spear. Lynch played Beethoven's
SERVO: 2nd, starring Charles Grodin.
> Fifth, Mike's strength
CROW: got to that of an amoeba.
> increased with each measure, returning to
ALL: The Planet of the Apes.
> normal when the music stopped.
MIKE: Hey, the Village People said you Can't Stop The Music.
> Mike then told Lynch about his seeing
SERVO: Stars after being hit by a refrigerator.
> though walls last night, Lynch played Dance of the Sugar Plum Fairies, and
> Mike was looking
CROW: Through Lynch's clothes.
> outside... in a windowless lab.
ALL: Deep 13?
> Lynch then tried other genres of music; oldies, pop, rock, rap,
> alternative,
MIKE: Polka.
SERVO: Country-Western.
CROW: 70's porno music. Wocka-chicka-wocka-chicka.
> none of these had any effect on Mike.
SERVO: Except putting him to sleep.
> Lynch concluded that
CROW: Mike has limited taste in music.
> only Classical music would effect Mike. Mike said he would
MIKE: Puncture an ear drum if he was forced to listen to Pearl Jam.
> listen to as much classical music as possible, and
SERVO: See if it kills him.
> record each effect. Lynch told Mike to
CROW: Eat his veggies.
> do that and they would resume the tests
MIKE: With the written portion.
> at 7:30 the next morning.
>
> Mike spent the rest of the day
SERVO: Sharpening number 2 pencils.
> listening to music and recording
CROW: Some TV show where people make fun of bad movies off the Sci-Fi
Channel.
> each effect. The 1812 Overture allowed him to
MIKE: Explode.
> launch projectiles. The William Tell Overture turned him
SERVO: Into Tonto.
> silver and gave him super-speed. The Hallelujah Chorus
CROW: Amen and hallelujah!
> caused him to glow with a blinding, almost angelic light.
ALL: (singing) Blinded by the light!
> The Blue Danube Waltz
MIKE: Is he in 2001 or something?
> gave him control over liquids.
SERVO: Even root beer?
> March of the Wooden Soldiers
CROW: Starring Laurel and Hardy.
> allowed him to bring inanimate wooden objects to life.
MIKE: I thought the Blue Fairy did that?
> Mike also discovered
SERVO: The fountain of youth.
> classical sounding movie scores
CROW: Mancini passes to John Williams, Williams shoots, HE SCORES!
> also affected him. The theme from Star Wars allowed him to
MIKE: (as Vader) Give in to the power of the Dark Side.
> form a pseudo-lightsaber in his right hand.
SERVO: Which is cut off if the music stops suddenly.
> The theme from Superman
CROW: Made him vulnerable to Kryptonite.
> allowed him to fly,
CROW: And made him vulnerable to Kryptonite.
> while the opening title music from Batman
MIKE: Made him dress up like a giant bat.
> gave him
SERVO: Stately Wayne Manor.
> night vision. The eerie music from Jaws
CROW: Turned him into a shark.
> gave him amphibious abilities, the length of which lasted in relationship
> to how long he listened to the music, with a ratio
MIKE: (as Opie from Andy Griffith Show) Horatio who?
> of 30:1. The Indiana Jones theme
SERVO: (as Sean Connery) We named the dog Indiana.
> increased Mike's knowledge of archaeology,
CROW: Don't call him Junior!
> while the theme from Close Encounters
MIKE: Made him build a mountain out of mashed potatoes.
> improved his knowledge of astronomy.
>
> The next morning,
SERVO: Mike woke up in the pool.
> the tests continued. Lynch tested
CROW: His reflexes.
> Mike's ability to bring
MIKE: Him breakfast in bed.
> images from works of art to life. Mike started with simple
SERVO: Stick figures.
> sketches of harmless creatures
CROW: Smurfs and Gnomes.
> and worked his way up to
MIKE: Picasso paintings from the Cubist period.
> a painting of George Washington. His only flaw was
SERVO: His lack of vision.
> not being able to affect non-living, inanimate objects, such as
> paintings of trees
CROW: If you were a painting of a tree, what kind of paint would you be
painted with?
> or bowls of fruit. This same power also brought statues to life,
> again with the same limitation.
MIKE: Size matters.
> Mike brought several sculptures to life, ranging from
> a statute of a dog to
SERVO: A statue of a giant dog.
> a bronze statue of Ronald Reagan. After a lunch break, where Mike whipped
> up a delicious tuna salad,
CROW: Sorry, Charlie.
> Lynch tested
MIKE: His strength, just like at the county fair.
CROW: (as a carnival barker) Ring the bell and win a prize.
> the creating objects from literature power.
SERVO: Maybe this should be an Inferior Five fanfic, not Gen-13?
> Mike read the
CROW: Ingredients of chewing gum, and unlocked the secrets of the
universe.
SERVO: Nice Superman The Movie ref, my golden bot bro.
> same portion of Hamlet again, changing the emphasis from the slings and
> arrows to "or to take arms."
MIKE: If you insist...
(MIKE removes arms from CROW and SERVO)
BOTS: Hey!
(MIKE puts arms back on CROW and SERVO)
> As he said that, two arms
SERVO: Two arms, the British are coming, the British are coming.
> appeared out of thin air. Mike realized he could control the arms, and
> told them to punch a target
CROW: Or a Wal-Mart or a K-Mart.
> that Lynch had set up, which they did. Further experimentation determined
> that what Mike created depended on
MIKE: His adult diapers, get it, depended, Depends?
SERVO: Leave those to June Allyson.
> what he emphasized when reading aloud.
SERVO: What he *emphasized* when reading *aloud*.
> Lynch then examined a print-out of
CROW: Playboy's on-line playmate.
> the results of some genetic testing that
MIKE: Helped find a cure for muscular dystrophy.
CROW: And put an end to Jerry Lewis Telethons.
> he had given Mike earlier in the day. These tests revealed
SERVO: Mike was pregnant.
> the source of Mike's unusual powers.
CROW: Exposure to cosmic rays on a rocket flight.
MIKE: Exposure to Gamma Rays on a military test range.
SERVO: He was bitten by a radioactive artist.
> Part of it was from his father's exposure to
MIKE: Non-dairy coffee creamer.
> the Gen Factor, but part of it came from
ALL: Outer Space!
> his mother. It seems his mother was a descendent of
SERVO: The Mighty Mightor.
> the Kherubim, and a distant cousin of
CROW: His father.
> one Reno Bryce, Warblade of the WildC.A.T.s.
ALL: (singing) The one and only WildC.A.T.s.
MIKE: I'm partial to Voodoo.
CROW: What red-blooded male who reads comic books isn't?
SERVO: Guys who only read Betty and Veronica?
> Lynch had learned all about
MIKE: Eve.
> Kherubim from his former Team 7 colleague Cole Cash,
SERVO: Nothing like some Cole hard Cash.
> alias Grifter,
CROW: Starring Angelica Houston and Annette Benning.
> back in Lynch's I/O
ALL: (singing) I/O, I/O, it's off to work we go.
> days.
>
> With the tests completed. Lynch made an offer
MIKE: (as the Godfather) He couldn't refuse.
> to Mike, "I want you
SERVO: To buy war bonds.
> to join Gen-13. Your powers
CROW: (as Darth Vader) Are weak, old man.
SERVO: (as Obi-Wan Kenobi) You can't win Darth. If you strike me down, I
shall become more powerful than you can possibly imagine.
MIKE: (as Han Solo) I don't know, I can imagine quite a bit.
> will be a great addition
MIKE: Subtraction.
CROW: Multiplication.
SERVO: Division.
> to the team, and it will even out the boy-girl ratio."
SERVO: Everyone sit boy-girl, boy-girl.
> Mike had to think about it for a few minutes.
CROW: With Andy Rooney.
> He thought about how it would affect him as
MIKE: A sensitive person.
> an artist if he was always busy with the team.
SERVO: (as generic coach) Do it for the team!
> He wondered if he would have any free time to work on his
CROW: Manicure.
> paintings, sculptures, music, or literary pursuits.
MIKE: Sounds trivial.
> Then, he thought of one thing that convinced him to accept the offer,
> Fairchild.
ALL: Huzzah!
> Mike was extremely infatuated with
SERVO: An ape.
CROW: Just his descendents.
(BOTS laugh)
> the tall beauty, and joining the team would mean he could see her
CROW: Through her wall while undressing.
> everyday. "It's a deal,
MIKE: Monty, I'll take what's behind door number 1.
> Mr Lynch." Mike said. "Good," Lynch replied, "now all you need is
ALL: (singing) Love.
> a code name."
BOTS: Diamond-Head.
> Mike did some more thinking,
SERVO: And steam came out his ears.
> and then said, "How about
CROW: Snake-Eyes.
SERVO: Duke.
MIKE: Bazooka.
CROW: Shipwreck.
SERVO: Flint.
MIKE: Scarlet?
> Classicist, seeing as my powers are influenced by
MIKE: LSD.
> classical art forms? Or perhaps Renaissance Man,
SERVO: Starring Danny DeVito.
> seeing as I am like a modern day
CROW: Defiant Ones.
> DaVinci, since I belive Leonardo is taken by some terrapin."
MIKE: Well, so's Michelangelo.
> "Classicist it it, Mike," said Lynch, "since Renaissance Man seems
SERVO: Like someone who would do battle with The Amazing Rando!
> too stereotypical of a super-hero. Now, how about a
CROW: Nice Hawaiian Punch?
MIKE: Sure!
> costume?" Mike grabbed a sketchpad and began drawing
MIKE: Nudes of Fairchild.
> an outfit; a painter's smock
SERVO: To Kill A Smock-ingbird.
> filled with pockets of all shapes and sizes,
CROW: So, he's the new Captain Kangaroo?
> spandex
MIKE: (as Eddie Murphy) All spandex.
> bodysuit with a belt for
SERVO: Holding up his pants.
> a portable stereo and portable speakers,
CROW: He could have just used a nice rack system.
> as well as slots
MIKE: One-armed bandits, the loosest in Minnesota at Grand Casino Hinkley.
> for brushes, chisels and pens, ankle high
SERVO: Flood waters.
> boots, and a beret.
CROW: (French accent) Now, my little pigeon, touch my beret.
> Mike gave his designs to Lynch, who told Mike, "I've got a friend who's
> a tailor. He can have this ready for you in a couple of
MIKE: Years.
> days.
>
> That night, Mike's dreams were
SERVO: Rated XXX.
> once again influenced by
CROW: Bad acid.
> Fairchild. This time, she was
MIKE: Oola.
> a beautiful princess, and he was
SERVO: Boba Fett.
> a knight in shining armor. Sir Mike,
MIKE: I always wanted to be a knight.
(BOTS moan)
> with the help of his faithful squire,
CROW: Sancho Panza.
> Robert (Burnout), had to save Princess
MIKE: Vespa.
> Caitlin and her
SERVO: Cute widdle poodle, Fee Fee.
> ladies in waiting, Sara and Roxanne,
ALL: (singing) You don't have to put out the red light.
> from a dragon,
CROW: Puff?
> who had a familiar looking tattoo
MIKE: It said "Mother".
> on his chest. Sir Mike slew the
SERVO: Princess and married the dragon.
> dragon and rescued the fair princess, returning her safely
CROW: Except for her virtue.
> to the castle of
MIKE: The Winds.
CROW: My favorite game for Windows.
> her father, King Lynch. As a reward, the king gave Sir Mike
SERVO: The keys to the royal carriage.
> his daughter's hand in marriage.
SERVO: Even better.
> From there, Mike's dream featured an elaborate
CROW: Busbie Berkley musical number.
> wedding ceremony, officiated by
MIKE: Reverend Lovejoy from "The Simpsons".
> King Lynch, and then, the wedding night.
ALL: Oh yeah!
> But alas, Mike's alarm woke him up before the marriage was
SERVO: Annulled.
> consumated. Mike wrote down quick notes about his dream, which he would
> put to use later.
CROW: Blackmail.
> Mike then dressed and went down
MIKE: (as Mole People scientist) Down, down, down.
> to the kitchen where he prepared
SERVO: To make the jump to light speed.
> a breakfast feast for himself and his new teammates.
CROW: The Minnesota Twins.
> Luckily, for Mike, the only available spot at the dining table was
MIKE: Between Grunge and Rainmaker.
> next to Cat. Mike was so nervous sitting next to
SERVO: A lesbian.
MIKE: It's never been stated that Rainmaker is one, just implied.
> her that he nearly spilled
CROW: The beans about how Caitlin feels about Lynch.
> his fresh pineapple juice. Soon, the others went off to class,
MIKE: Remedial English for Generation X super-heroes.
CROW: They're not Generation X, they're Gen-13.
> so Mike decided to use his free time to bring
SERVO: Home the bacon.
> images from his dream onto his
CROW: Bed sheets.
> canvases, recording the plot of his dream as a
MIKE: Comic book.
SERVO: It's a graphic novel.
> both beautiful poetry and as prose, in the form of a novella.
>
> In the meantime, Lynch had been working on
ALL: (singing) The railroad, all the live-long day.
> a device which would allow Mike to
SERVO: See Caitlin naked without listening to Dance of the Sugarplum
Fairies.
> listen to classical music or read aloud without
CROW: Any help.
> any power manifestations. He also considered asking Mike if he wanted to
> take some post-graduate courses, so that he
MIKE: Could feel superior to his teammates.
> would have something to
ALL: (singing) Talk about.
> do during the day. As he worked, Lynch began thinking
SERVO: Which was extremely rare.
> back to his Team 7 days, when Jake, Alex and himself were considered the
> three
CROW: Stooges.
> caballeros of Team 7. He remembered Jake teaching him and Alex everything
> there was to know about
MIKE: Women.
> photography, and how he taught Jake a little bit
SERVO: About cheese.
> of unarmed combat. He was Jake's best man when Jake married Anna, and was
> there when Mike was born. Remembering that, he wished
CROW: Upon a star for his little wooden puppet to come to life.
> he had married Bobby's mother, so he could have
MIKE: Been married at some point in his life.
> been there when Bobby was born. "Yep, hindsight's still 20/20,"
SERVO: With Hugh Downs and Barbara Walters.
> Lynch thought to himself, as he got back to work on the
ALL: Railroad.
> power negater.
>
> That night, Mike cooked a magnificent dinner for everyone. He
> started out with
CROW: Goose eggs and Turnips.
> a magnificent tossed salad, then
MIKE: Green Eggs and Ham.
> an exquisite London broil, with
SERVO: Tobasco sauce.
> homemade mashed potatoes. The desert was a true masterpiece,
CROW: A replica of the Mona Lisa, made entirely out of cake.
> chocolate mousse, which, unknown to Mike,
MIKE: Was poisoned by Lynch.
> was Caitlin's favorite dessert. After supper, Lynch gave Mike the
SERVO: Finger.
> completed power negater, which Mike activated immediately.
CROW: It blew up, taking the entire residence with it.
> Mike went to his room and retrieved
MIKE: Like a labrador.
> some of his musical instruments; a violin,
SERVO: Which was out of tune.
> keyboard,
CROW: With dead batteries.
> mandolin,
MIKE: With a broken string.
> lyre,
SERVO: Lyre starring Jim Carrey.
> and flute.
CROW: Which was full of old chewing gum.
> He spent the rest of the evening performing
MIKE: At the Improv in Los Angeles.
> some of his original compositions, including
SERVO: Ode to a Naked Red-Haired Teammate of Mine.
> a sonata which he had composed earlier in the day, as a soundtrack to his
> dream. "That was
CROW: The worst music I ever heard.
> beautiful," Caitlin said after Mike finished the sonata, "I've never felt
> so moved by a piece of music." "Really?" Mike responded, "I always
MIKE: Use music to hit on mega-babes.
> feel moved
SERVO: After eating Chocolate Mousse. I guess it's the Ex-Lax I use
instead of semi-sweet chocolate.
> by music, especially if it's something
CROW: Terribly off key.
> I've just written and it's the first time I play it,
MIKE: And learn from my mistakes.
> like that sonata." Mike felt
SERVO: Nauseous.
> good that his sonata impressed Caitlin that much. He thought about
> showing some of his art to her tomorrow,
ALL: (singing) Tomorrow, I love ya, tomorrow. You're only a day away.
> as he drifted off to dreamland.
>
> The next day, Mike was
CROW: Wearing a green jumpsuit and applying for a job at Happy Temps.
> inspired by Caitlin. He made paintings of her,
MIKE: In the nude.
> sculptures of her,
SERVO: In the nude.
> wrote poems about her,
CROW: In the nude.
> composed songs about her.
ALL: In the nude.
> Lynch came in to bring him his
MIKE: Breakfast.
> costume and was surprised by all the images of
SERVO: Teri Hatcher Mike had downloaded off the Web.
> Caitlin filling Mike's room. "You're
CROW: Digger Smolken, aren't you?
> infatuated with her, aren't you, Mike?" Lynch asked.
MIKE: Hey, who wouldn't be?
> "Yes," Mike responded, " she's so beautiful and intelligent and..."
SERVO: Red-haired.
MIKE: Strong.
CROW: Proportioned in ways no real woman ever could be.
> "Tall," said Lynch. "That too," said Mike. As Mike started putting on his
> costume,
CROW: He realized what a pain it would be to go to the bathroom after
putting it on.
> Lynch told him, "Why don't you just
MIKE: Abduct her and force her to marry you.
> tell her how you feel? Before her power manifested itself, Caitlin was a
SERVO: Not-so-tall, no-so-strong, red haired babe.
> lonely college student. She never
CROW: Promised you a rose garden.
> had any friends, especially boyfriends. She might be flattered
MIKE: Flattery will get him nowhere.
> you feel that way about her." "Or she might flatten me,"
CROW: Well, depending on if she flattens him like a pancake, or flattens
him onto his or her bed.
> Mike said, "our tastes are
SERVO: Only in our mouths.
> somewhat incompatible. She likes bands like
MIKE: Hole.
SERVO: Green Day.
CROW: Hanson.
> Black Lung Disease, I prefer
SERVO: No Doubt.
MIKE: LeAnn Rimes.
CROW: Hanson.
> a symphony orchestra." "That's one little thing," said Lynch, "after all,
> she was impressed by your
CROW: Physique, especially below the belt.
> sonata last night, and chocolate mousse
MIKE: Makes her loose.
> is her favorite dessert. Go on, when she gets home, tell her
SERVO: Willy Boy is coming.
> you're infatuated with her." "OK, I'll do
CROW: Her the first chance I get.
(MIKE looks at CROW)
> it, I've still got some mousse left, maybe
MIKE: I'll woo her with my vast collection of non-sports trading cards.
> that will work in my favor." As Lynch leaves, Mike begins
SERVO: Writing a will in case Fairchild flattens him.
> making recordings of
CROW: The Anti-Gravity Room.
> all the songs that he tested on himself, since
MIKE: 8-Tracks are way passe.
> the only portable stereo he has is an AM-FM/cassette player,
SERVO: With dead batteries.
> and he can't rely on
CROW: Grunge to hum a good tune in battle.
> classical music radio stations. He also transcribes various
MIKE: Spells and Incantations.
> passages from works of literature, passages
ALL: To India.
> which he feels would be of use in
SERVO: Case of emergency.
> a typical super-hero situation. He also fills several
CROW: Condoms thinking about Fairchild.
MIKE: That's two, Mister.
SERVO: Easy Mike, this is almost over.
> spiral notebooks with renderings of
MIKE: Frank Lloyd Wright buildings.
> his paintings and statues, since spiral notebooks
SERVO: Are much lighter and flatter than statues.
> will fit into the pockets of his costume much easier than
ALL: Pie.
> the original works.
>
> That night, after dinner, Mike gives Cat
CROW: A night she'll never forget.
> a private showing of his creations, though he kept his
MIKE: Feelings hidden.
CROW: So, he's Luke Skywalker in Jedi, now?
> works from earlier in the day hidden. She is
SERVO: Embarrassed about what happened in Spider-Man/Gen-13.
MIKE: What happened?
SERVO: While fighting a villain, she went out on stage at a Black Lung
Disease concert, and fans who thought she was part of the band tore
away at her clothes.
MIKE: Hey, who wouldn't?
> surprised to see the works based on
CROW: Characters appearing in Image Comics.
> his dream the other night. "Is that supposed to be
MIKE: Flattering?
> me?" she asks. "Why yes," Mike replies, "the other night I dreamt that
> you were a
SERVO: Twi'leki dancer whom Jabba fed to the Rancor.
> princess, and I was
CROW: The mysterious bounty hunter who, while having less than ten minutes
of actual screen time, has become *the* cult figure of the trilogy,
next to Wedge.
> the knight who saved you from
MIKE: Jabba's desires.
> a dragon." Cat looks at the dragon, specifically his
SERVO: Savage look.
MIKE: Huh?
CROW Savage, Dragon, it's an Image joke, Nelson.
> tattoo, "Better not let Grunge see those," she tells Mike, the two of them
> laugh. Cat then notices a bowl of
CROW: Palmolive, he's soaking in it.
> Chocolate Mousse sitting in a very conspicuous spot. "That's for
> you," Mike tells her. "Why thank you, Mike," she replies as she
> begins to enjoy the creamy dessert. "Caitlin," Mike begins
MIKE: Vomiting as she devours it like a pig eating slop.
> nervously, "there's a reason I wanted to give you this private showing.
> You see, I'm
SERVO: A convicted sex offender, and per federal law, I'm notifying you.
> totally and completely infatuated with you."
CROW: So, do you want to get it on now or go into your room.
> "Really," Caitlin replies, "that's wonderful, because, well,
MIKE: I'm related to former President Reagan.
> I feel the same way about you, ever since I
SERVO: Looked through the wall while you were undressing the other night.
> first saw you a few days ago." Cat
ALL: (singing) Scratch Fever.
CROW: Nugent has a saggy diaper that leaks.
SERVO: Ah, such sweet memories.
MIKE: What are you two talking about?
> puts down the bowl of mousse, as her mouth moves towards Mike's.
> The two of them share their first
CROW: Orgasm.
(MIKE slaps CROW)
> kiss, a long, slow, passionate one.
(ALL make approving noises, wolf whistles, et al)
> "Wow!" they exclaim in unison.
>
(ALL exit theater)
(Door Sequence)
(MIKE, SERVO, CROW, and GYPSY are on the bridge. There is a wall
separating
GYPSY from the guys. GYPSY is dressed like Fairchild. SERVO is wearing a
beret, ala The Classicist. MIKE is wearing a black outfit, like Lynch.
CROW has a picture of Grunge's tattoo taped to his front.)
MAGIC VOICE: Welcome back to the Gen-13 Dating Game. Caitlin Fairchild,
who
do you chose, Bachelor #1, (close-up of Servo) Bachelor #2,
(close-up of Mike) or Bachelor #3? (close-up of CROW)
GYPSY: I chose Bachelor #1.
MAGIC VOICE: Number 1. First, we'll meet the other two contestants. Number
2 is a former intelligence operative who enjoys small
firearms
and military documentaries, meet John Lynch. (Mike walks over
by Gypsy) Number 3 is a student who enjoys loud music and
beautiful women, meet Grunge. (Crow moves over by Gypsy) And
now your date: He's a college graduate with a high IQ who
enjoys painting, sculpting, writing, and composing. Meet The
Classicist. (Mike removes wall, Servo moves over by Gypsy)
(Pearl's Ship)
PEARL: Cut the tom-foolery, Jim Lange wannabe's. We're trying to find a
way back home, even if it takes us seventy-nine years to do it.
(OBSERVER appears with Chakotay's tattoo on his face. Bobo has a Neelix-
style in his fur.)
(Fade to Black)
(Closing Credits)
Mystery Science Theater 3000 and its related characters and situations are
trademarks of and (c) 1997 by Best Brains, Inc. All rights reserved.
Use of copyrighted and trademarked material is for entertainment purposes
only; no infringement on the original copyrights or trademarks held by
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