(Mike stands on bridge of SOL. Crow and Servo enter. Servo is wearing a small backpack and Crow is holding a stick over his shoulder with a red bundle tied to the end.)

Mike: Hi everyone, welcome to the Satellite of Love. I'm Mike Nelson, and these are my robots, Crow and Tom Servo. (To 'bots) Hey guys, what's up with the gear? Are you two running away or something?

Crow (sarcastically): What, and leave all this?

Servo: No, no, it's nothing like that, Mike. You see, Crow and I signed up for the robot exchange program. It's kind of like the student exchange program, but without the zits or the language problems.

Crow: Yeah, we're heading off to the edge of the known universe to check out what's going on on the other satellites. We'll be there for about a month --

Servo: -- Just long enough to learn about the culture on other ships --

Crow: But in the meantime, two other robots are gonna come live on the ship with you.

Mike: Well, I guess that sounds OK. Have a good time -- and don't cause trouble for the other . . . satellite . . . people, or . . . whatever.

(Servo and Crow leave bridge.)

Crow and Servo: Bye Mike!

Mike: We'll be right back.

(Commercials)

(Mike is still standing on the bridge. Crow and Servo walk back in.)

Mike: Hey, what gives? I thought you guys were gonna be gone for a month.

Servo: Yeah, so did we. But, it turns out that we were the only two robots that signed up for the exchange program.

Crow: Yep, so the program director said the only thing we could do is change places with each other. So for the next month, I will be Tom Servo --

Servo: Whereas I shall live the life of Crow T. Robot. Yeah, it should be a good learning experience for both of us. I've never been a surly gold robot before.

Mike (slightly confused): Ooooookay. Oh! Hold on a second, guys, Pearl's on the line.

Pearl: Hello, Nelson. So, your little robot friends have decided to trade places, hmmmm? (Sticks face close to camera and appears to be studying Crow and Servo) Interesting. (Backs up) Too bad it won't save any of you from the horrible fate I have planned. HAHAHAHAHAHA! (Turns serious) I've decided to shake things up a little myself, Nelson. Get in here, Brain Guy! (Observer rushes in with a comic book) Your experiment today is another segment in the painful series of graphic novels known as Generation X, written by Jay Faerber, pencilled by Terry Dodson and inked by Rachel Dodson. Enjoy!

(Buzzer sounds and lights flash on SOL)

Mike: Ohhhhhh, we've got comic book sign . . .

6...5...4...3...2...1...

Mike (reading): Stan Lee presents -- Secret Identities

(Chamber. M. Skin. Synch. Husk. Jubilee.)
Voice: I know you're MUTANTS!

Servo: Or not-so-secret identies. You decide.

(Nestled in the Berkshire Mountains outside Boston, the Massachussetts Academy is an elite boarding school catering to the very rich . . .

Crow (Robin Leach): Where they live out their champagne wishes and caviar dreams . . .

(. . . And the very DIFFERENT. In particular, several young MUTANTS are trained on the school grounds. This was supposed to be a secret.)

Mike: Well then maybe they should rethink the billboard on I-95 and take that darn bullseye off the top of the gymnasium.

Tristan: Don't try and DENY it, guys. I always WONDERED why you guys hung out together. I mean, it's not like you all have anything in COMMON.

Servo (singing): We've got nothing in common . . .
Mike: Crow doesn't sing, Tom.
Servo: Whoops! Heh heh . . . sorry.

Tristan: Well, except for you being MUTANTS and all.
Everett: MUTANTS?! Oh, PLEASE, TRISTAN. Can you guys BELIEVE this? MUTANTS. Ha! That's a good one, man.

Crow: Oh boy, someone just flunked Undercover 101.

Tristan: EVERETT, I've seen you in your red and yellow COSTUMES, using your POWERS.
(Gen-Xers look shocked)
Tristan: I THOUGHT that would get your attention.

Mike: They're red and yellow uniforms for criminy's sake. It's hard to get people's attention when they're blinded by their wardrobes.

(The attic of the school's oldest building has been converted into living quarters for two of the academy's most . . . SPECIAL students: the young mutants named ARTIE MADDOCKS and LEECH.)

Servo: Mike, Mike -- look!
Mike: What?
Crow: They've got Furbies! Ooooooo . . .
Servo: Can Crow and I get Furbies, Mike?
Crow: Pleasepleasepleasepleasepleeeeaaaase?
Mike: We'll see. Maybe for Christmas, OK?
Crow and Servo: Goody!

Emma: Boys? May I come UP?
Leech: Yes, MISS FROST.
Emma: I just wanted to check IN on you. I know how ROUGH this must be. With all the new students on campus, you probably don't like having to spend so much time HIDDEN away here in the attic.
Leech: Why would Artie and Leech ever want to leave attic play for?

Servo: Let's see . . . three, four, five, SIX! Hah! Pay up!
Crow: DAMN!
Mike: What's going on?
Servo: Crow and I had a bet going as to how many issues it would take the Gen-Xers to realize that they left Leech and Artie locked away in the attic.
Crow: (shaking his head) I thought it would be at LEAST ten.

Emma: Hmm. Of course, why WOULD you? But trust me -- you're going to get CABIN FEVER eventually.

Crow (singing): They've got Cabin Fever . . .

Emma: And when you DO -- these are IMAGE INDUCERS, boys. They can make you BLEND IN. I'm going to show you how they work. But they ARE NOT TOYS.

Servo: Uh-oh, I smell wackiness headed our way!
Mike (Emma): Do you hear me, boys? They're NOT toys. If you want toys I'll get you some lighter fluid or broken glass or barbed wire or something, but DON'T PLAY with the image inducers.

(Scene shifts back to campus grounds)
Tristan: I guess I didn't have many FRIENDS growing up, so I spend a lot of time alone.

Servo: Uh-oh, looks like we're crossing over into the Bill Gates story.

Tristan: I was walking through the woods on the edge of the school property when I first saw Everett and Jonothon.

Servo: And you wouldn't *believe* what I saw them doing!
Crow: Nope, nope, nope, still not enough innuendo, Servo. You gotta work on that if you're gonna pass for me.

Everett: See? It's EASY! Jonothon, I KNOW that with a little practice YOU can use your powers as good as I'm using them, thanks to my SYNCH AURA.

Mike: Didn't they used to explain all this stuff inside the front cover?
Crow: They did for awhile, but then Marvel had to choose between spending the extra cash on fancy marketing gimmicks or paying the water bill last month.
Servo: Doesn't really matter -- either way there's gonna be a whole lotta crap piling up around the office.
Mike: Servo! (Mike whacks him upside his dome).
Crow (sing-song): You got in trou-ble. Hee-Hee!

Jono: ~ Yeah, well you didn't have the bloody MISFORTUNE of blowing half your FACE off the first time you used "my" powers. ~

Crow (infomercial host): We've made up for the loss of gatefold covers with extra exposition on every page! And as an added bonus, we'll recycle dialogue from past issues and pass the savings on to you!
Mike (infomercial host): You'll get three times the boredom at only double the cost of other comics. Think that's all? Just wait -- there's more! 'Cause we've gathered all the trademark one-liners and put them together in each and every issue!
Servo (informercial host): Yes, you'll hear classics like "When I was with the X-Men . . .," "Ah'm gonna lead this team some day," "I'm a bloody plonker with no face," and the always popular "I'm the best there is at what I do!"
Mike: Wrong book, Tommy boy.

Everett: Just concentrate on providing a DOWNWARD thrust through your HANDS, and that THRUST will lift you into the air.
Jono: ~ Okay . . . okay, I think I got it! ~ (*FWASH*) ~ Bloody -- ! ~

Mike: Bloody what? Hands? Feet? Innocent woodland creatures?
Servo (Jono): Heh, heh . . . didn't see those chipmunks down there.

Jono: ~ This is HUMILIATIN'. ~

Crow (falsetto): Oh, Popeye.

Jono: ~ YOU'RE usin' my powers better than I am. And we're supposed to be here to learn how to use our powers better. What a JOKE. ~
Everett: Aww, man. Don't let this get you DOWN, buddy. I'll HELP you. We'll figure this out. We're in this TOGETHER, right? Hey, can you teach me to play the GUITAR or something? How's that sound?

Crow: It sounds like me praising God that this book doesn't come in audio form.

Jono: ~ It sounds PATRONIZING, since you asked. ~
(End flashback)
Tristan: You should've been more careful. I saw the WHOLE thing,

Servo: And I gots the Polaroids to prove it -- pay up!
Mike: Wow, I didn't realize Tristan was so voyeuristic.
Crow: Not you too!

Tristan: and SINCE then -- I've been WATCHING you guys, and I've seen EACH of you use your powers when you thought you were ALONE.
(*SMACK*)

Crow: HEY! I wanted to do that!

Jubilee: You IDIOT! Why didn't you use the DANGER ROOM?!
Everett: Whoa, JUBILEE, you KNOW Sean won't let us use the danger room UNSUPERVISED. And with all the NEW KIDS,

Mike: Don't drag the New Kids into this. Those guys are just getting their solo careers going.
Crow: Ye-ah. And you would know this how, Mike?

Everett: no one has time to oversee me trying to help JONO with his powers.
Paige: Knock it OFF, you two. We've got a more IMMEDIATE problem on our hands, remember?
Everett: YOU'RE right, PAIGE. Sorry.

Servo: Man, he is totally whipped!
Crow: Yeah, isn't there some rule that all superheroes must have spines?

Jubilee: I'm not.
Monet: SO, Mister Brawn . . .

Mike (James Bond villain): You have a nasty habit of surviving . . .

Monet: If you know so much about us, you'd know I could EASILY prevent you from giving away our little secret -- by dropping a TRAIN on your head.
Tristan: You can't LIFT a train, MONET.
Monet: I can too.

Crow: Can not!
Mike (falsetto): Can too!
Crow: Can not!
Mike (falsetto): Can too!
Servo: So she's the one behind all those AMTRAK wrecks.

Angelo: All right, bro, lay it OUT for us. You musta told us about your little discovery for a REASON.
Jono: ~ It's bloody OBVIOUS, ANGELO. ~

Crow: Yet once again the editors feel compelled to spell it out for the readers, who are apparently as sharp as a bag of wet gerbils.

Jono: ~ The little RAT BOY is gonna try an' BLACKMAIL us into usin' our powers for HIM. ~

Mike (Tristan): Blackmail? Hey, I hadn't thought of that. Thanks, Jono!

Tristan: Oh, PLEASE, Jonothon. Are you ALWAYS this melodramatic? Get some THERAPY. I can assure you you're ALL overreacting. I'll KEEP your secret on ONE condition: I want PAIGE to go out on a DATE with me.

Crow: Hey, there's a word for that you know!
Servo: Yeah (*tee-HEE*) -- mwwwhhhhhmmm!! (gets cut-off as Mike wrestles him to the floor).
Mike: I told you to cut that out!
Crow (shaking head): I don't know how much more of this I can take, Mike!

Paige: A WHAT? I'm not some TROPHY, Tristan. I mean, the idea of going out with you isn't repulsive or anything -- but I don't like my company being used as a BARGAINING chip. Are you SERIOUS?

Crow: Just let me make one obscene comment.
Servo: No way, you're in my world now! Deal with it, Gold Boy!
Crow: C'MON!

Tristan: QUITE serious. Look, the bottom line here is that you HAVE to trust me regardless. So what's the harm in me getting a date with a pretty girl out of it?

Servo: Not to mention the *other* things I'll be getting out of it.
Crow (groaning): Oooooooaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhh . . .
Mike: Servo, c'mon buddy, reel it in now.

Jono: ~ I've about HAD it with you, Brawn. You can take your THREATS and your DEALS and shove 'em SIDEWAYS -- ~

Crow (groaning): EEERRRRGGGGHHHHH!
Servo: Uh, Mike, I think we have a problem here.
Paige: That's -- ENOUGH! Maybe you didn't get the MEMO, but what I do -- or DON'T do -- isn't your BUSINESS anymore.
Everett: Okay, time out. TRISTAN, I dunno about YOU, but WE have to get to class.

Mike: Crow?
Crow: EEEEEEYYYYAAAARRRGGGGHHHHH!!
Servo: Uh-oh, I think we broke him.
Mike: What do you mean *we*"?

Jubilee: Yeah -- we'll have Paige CONSIDER your "offer" and our people will call YOUR people, capisce?
Paige (being dragged off by Everett and Jubilee): Hey -- guys! GUYS! Let me go!

Crow (racing out of theater): AAARRRGGGHHH! ME FIRST!
(Mike picks up Servo and follows Crow out.)

(Commercials)

(Mike is standing on the bridge working on a piece of electronic equipment. Crow and Servo enter.)

Mike: Hi, guys. So did you get your problem straightened out?

Servo: Yeah, I'm back to being Tom Servo and he's Crow again.

Mike: So the program director let you guys trade back?

Crow: No, no, we had to change back. Turns out the original exchange wasn't valid 'cause we lost the receipt. They're really picky about that down at the robot exchange center.

Mike: Well, I'm glad to have you two back to normal. Listen, I'm fixing the emergency controls over here, but I need to go work on the system on a few of the other decks. So I need you guys to watch over the control panel and make sure it's working right.

Crow: OK, Mike. No problem.

Servo: We can handle that for you.

Mike: Now guys, listen, this is *very* important. This equipment is critical to the maintenance of the satellite. It controls all of the guidance and life support functions of the ship. Without them we'd just go spinning off into another solar system or get sucked out into the vacuum of space or freeze to death or something.

Servo: Yep, gotcha, it's important stuff.

Mike: Pay attention, you two! This equipment is not to be played with. It is *not* a toy! Do you understand me?

Crow (mumbling): Uh-huh. Don't play with the electronic thingy.

Mike: OK, just so long as you realize that it's not a toy.

Servo: We got it, Mike! Sheesh! We're not stupid.

Crow: Yeah, give us some credit, will ya?

Mike: OK, yeah, well, I'm gonna be on the other end of the ship for awhile.

Crow: Sure. OK.

Servo: See ya later.

(Mike leaves. Crow and Servo start pushing and banging the circuitboard around the deck and it crashes to the floor within seconds. Mike walks back in.)

Mike: I forgot . . . my . . . screwdriver . . . What did you guys do? I told you how important that equipment was!

Crow: We can't help it, Mike. We're just young, immature robots. We need guidance.

Servo: Mmm-hmm, this is *your* fault, Mike. You should've watched us better.

Mike: What do you mean I should've (buzzer sounds and lights flash). Ohhhhhhh, we've got comic book sign . . .

6...5...4...3...2...1...

Mike: You're just lucky that Gypsy's able to get those circuits functioning again.
Crow: Geez, Mike, we said we were sorry.

(Later, in the arts building . . .)
Student: But, MR. RASPUTIN, I don't GET it.

Servo (Piotr): It's very simple. Scott was married to Madelyne, who was a clone of Jean, who died after becoming the Phoenix, but then the real Jean came back from the dead and then Cable and Rachel --

Piotr: Do not OVERTHINK it, Randall.

Mike: Heaven knows nothing short of a sledgehammer gets through this steel noggin of mine.

Piotr: PAINTING . . . ART . . . is about EMOTION, not THOUGHT. And in order to tap into your EMOTIONS you must become INVESTED in your piece. If you're painting a bowl of fruit, you must become EMOTIONALLY ATTACHED to that bowl of fruit.

Crow: Emotionally attached to fruit? Whoa-HOA! Sounds like that whole Pryde-Wisdom thing messed him up BAD!
Mike: (Patting Crow on shoulder.) Good to have you back, buddy.

Jono: ~ I can't BELIEVE that gel. Mr. RICH BOY bats his FLUFFY EYELASHES and she just MELTS. ~

Servo: Mike, can you make *me* some fluffy eyelashes? I wanna try and make this comic melt.

Jubilee: ~ I know whatcha MEAN, Jono. Paige is more concerned with BOYS these days then her SCHOOLWORK. It's CREEPY. Maybe she's a skrull. ~

Crow: The hell you say!
Servo: What? A teen-age girl who actually thinks about boys? Get thee to a nunnery!
Mike: Servo, I told you to *never* mention "Hamlet" again.
Servo: Hey, don't blame me. You're the one who didn't specify to Pearl that you wanted a *good* version. (1)

Jono: ~ I just think she's doing it to SPITE me. You gals can be so petty that way. Maybe I'LL start THROWIN' m'self at everything in a SKIRT, and see how SHE likes it. ~
Piotr: Once you become ATTACHED to your work, I guarantee you it will take on a life of its OWN.

Crow: Ewwwww. Even I'm not touching that.

Monet: ~ Will you two PLEASE knock it OFF? I didn't CONNECT us TELEPATHICALLY just to hear you YAMMER on about PAIGE . . . ~

Mike: Yammer? Is that how kids talk these days?
Crow: Just the ones who're totally out of touch with reality.

Jubilee: ~ HEY! Will the both of you KNOCK IT OFF?! This isn't about Jono OR Paige OR Tristan. ~
(*BRRNNG*)

Servo: Uh-oh, fire drill! Everyone out!
Mike: No such luck, Servo.
Servo: DAMN!

Jubilee: ~ It's about our little SECRET being on the front page of the school NEWSPAPER! ~

Crow (Jono): Hey, no one knows who stuffed that ferret down Banshee's pants.
Mike (Jubilee): Our *other* secret, you idiot.

Piotr: AHEM. Jubilation . . . Jonothon . . . Monet -- a MOMENT, if you please.
Jono: ~ Awww, rot. NOW what? ~

Servo: Maybe metal boy just needs another coat of turtle wax on his back.

Jubilee: ~ BUSTED! ~
Piotr: I didn't come all the way from Westchester to give this lecture, only to have the school's "STAR PUPILS" ignore me.
Jubilee: Hey, we didn't --
Piotr: Shush, little one. As a member of the X-MEN,

Servo: And the Morlocks.
Crow: And the Acolytes.
Mike: And X-Force.
Servo: And the Morlocks again.
Crow: And Excalibur.
Mike: And . . . hey, are there any other "ands"?
Crow: Give him a couple weeks.

Piotr: I've spent a LOT of time around TELEPATHS. I can spot people "MIND-SPEAKING" a mile away. In the future, I suggest you show a little more RESPECT for the GUEST LECTURERS your headmasters bring in.

Mike (Rodney Dangerfield): I don't get no respect.
(Crow and Servo turn to look at Mike)
Crow: What the *Hell* was that?
Servo: Yeah, way to show your age, Mike.

(The Danger Room.)
Sean: I'd like ta introduce ye to our new PHYSICAL DEVELOPMENT instructor, MR. TOM CORSI. Like m'self, Tom is an ex-copper.

Servo: He used to be an ex-tungsten but that was before his half-life expired.

Sean: He helped out at Xavier's back when the New Mutants were students here. Tom and me met up during some nastiness on MUIR ISLAND.

Mike: Hey, leave Moira's coffee out of this!

Sean: Got to telling some war stories, and we've kept in touch ever since. Since me an' the other headmasters have to devote more of our time to the larger student body --

Crow: Like little Suzy in first-period Algebra -- OW! (Mike hits him upside the head). Heh heh . . . I actually missed that.

Sean: we thought it might be a good idea to bring in someone who can specialize in overseeing your MUTANT DEVELOPMENT. He'll also be on hand to help make sure the gym's DANGER ROOM CAPABILITIES remain secret.

Mike: You know it's much easier to keep something a secret if you STOP SHOUTING EVERYTHING!

Sean: Tom wanted to know you kids in SMALLER groups at first, so he could spend some QUALITY TIME with you. He'll meet your classmates later this afternoon.

Crow: MAN this guy's getting long-winded in his old age.

Sean: Anyway, I've got a meeting ta go to, so --

Servo: I'm just gonna let Tom tear you kids to pieces. Ta ta!

Sean: I'm gonna let you kids get more ACQUAINTED with Tom here.
Tom: Thanks, SEAN. I can take it from here. OKAY, kids. Just think of me as a cross between MAGNETO and a DRILL SERGEANT. You ready to get to WORK?

Crow (Tom): Just let me whip out the chains and leather straps and we'll be ready to go.
(Mike and Servo turn and look at each other.)
Mike (to Crow): Uhh . . . I have to go sit over there now. (Mike and Servo both move a seat to the left).

Everett: Oh boy.
(In the school hallway . . .)
Jono: ~ Check it out -- wonder what all the COMMOTION is about. ~

Servo (singing): We get together we'll be causing a commotion . . .

Jubilee: Color me CLUELESS. Gimme a sec -- I'll figger it out. COME ON -- comin' through -- step aside!
(SIGN: "One Enchanted Evening" A Formal to Remember in Proudstar Hall)
Jubilee: Kewl! I wonder what EVERETT looks like in a TUX . . .

Crow: Why don't you just flip back to issue #10 and take a look like the rest of us? Sheesh!
Mike: Oh, now I get it. (Turns to 'bots.) See, it's not gratuitous exposition. The Gen-Xers have short-term memory loss and they have to keep reminding themselves who they are why they're there.
Crow and Servo: Ohhhhhhhh.
Servo: (pause) Hey, Crow, how do *you* know what happened in which issue?
Crow: (nervous chuckle) Heh, heh, heh.

(Girls crowd around Jono)
Girl #1: . . . Got such nice eyes!
Girl #2: A motorcycle accident? That's so SAD!

Servo: I'm waiting.

Girl #3: Sad? It's a TRAGEDY!
Girl #4: Where are you FROM?

Crow: OK, OK, I read the early issues of Generation X. I admit it. Look, that was during the Lobdell and Bachalo years, alright! I have nothing to be ashamed of! Who are you to judge me?!
Servo: Geez, I was just asking.

Jono: ~ Monet . . . HELP! ~
Monet: Hmm . . .
Girl #5: HOW . . . DO . . . YOU . . . COM-MU-NI-CATE?

Mike (Jono): A lot faster than you, and I don't even have a mouth.
Servo: Hey, don't make fun of the blonde, Mike.
Crow: Yeah, talk about insensitive.
Mike: But I . . . oh, never mind.

Jono: I gotta BLUFF my way through this. (Makes random hand gestures.)

Servo: NO! Not the Macarena! RUUUUUUUUN! AAAIIIIEEEEE!

Girl #5: He knows SIGN LANGUAGE! How . . . ROMANTIC!

Crow: Well it would've been if he didn't just flip her off.

Monet: Yes, he's a CHARMING devil, isn't he? But he just signed that he must be going. He's got to SCRUB DOWN the PUS-FILLED sores under his bandages.
Girl #5: Did she say . . . PUS?

Mike (falsetto): That's so ROMANTIC!

Jono: ~ THAT is what you call HELPING?!
Monet: Giggle!
(The Danger Room.)
Tom: Okay, PAIGE. On my mark, I want you to SHED your SKIN.
Paige: Yes SIR, Mr. Corsi.

Servo: You know, teachers around the country right now are probably looking at this and thinking of ways to reclassify harassment as training exercises.
Mike: Servo, you can't just blatantly assume that this comic has anything in common with the public school system.
Crow: Except for maybe the sharp decline in quality.

Tom: BEGIN. (RRIP) AGAIN. AGAIN. (RRIP) AGAIN.
Paige: I . . . I can't shed this many SKINS without a BREAK . . . it hurts . . .
Tom: You can DO it, PAIGE. I know you can. Now just CONCENTRATE. There, see? I knew you could do it. We're almost done. ONE more time, Paige.
Paige: . . . EEHN! (RRIP) (Transforms to glass.) I . . . I DID it!

Crow: Annnnnnd that's useful in a fight how?

Tom: I TOLD you, you could do it! From what I've read of your POWERS, you've never become GLASS before.
Everett: Way to GO, Paige! Don't know how USEFUL a glass body's gonna be in a FIGHT, but what the hey, right?

Servo: Oh I get it -- someone hits her, she shatters and the enemy gets those little glass slivers in his feet.
Mike (Tom): Now if I could just figure out a way to get the villains to fight barefoot . . .

Tom: And you were able to assume this NEW form even after excessive "HUSKING."
Paige: That's not the POINT, Angelo. Mr. Corsi is just helping us DEVELOP our powers, that's all. There's more to using our powers than JUST fighting. Though it rarely seems like it.

Crow: Forget that whole "husking" thing -- I think her real power is the ability to kiss everyone's ass simultaneously.
Servo: Ummm, exactly when did Angelo speak? Why is Paige mad at him?
Mike: Probably another speech balloon screw-up.

Tom: Exactly. When Sean filled me in on how each of you has developed in your time at the academy -- I have to admit I was kinda shocked.

Crow: Just where *did* you get all of those magazines, Angelo?
Mike: You know, Crow, I think I've cut you enough slack for one day.

Tom: Considering how long you've been here, I'd think you'd have experienced more GROWTH.

(Crow opens his mouth to speak. Mike turns and glares at him.)
Mike: Don't even think about it.

Angelo: Well, EXCUUUSE us! Lemme ask you a question! What makes you -- a NON-MUTANT -- such a great AUTHORITY on mutant powers?
Tom: Good question, Skin. While I was on MUIR ISLAND, I studied up on a LOT of Moira MacTaggert's research.

Servo: Unfortunately it was all dictated in that thick Scottish accent of hers, so I didn't understand a damn thing.

Tom: So I guess you could say I'm SELF-TAUGHT. But I could give most experts in the field a pretty good run for their money.
Angelo: Feh. In other words: those who CAN'T, TEACH.

Servo: And those who can, leave.
(Mike and the 'bots leave the theater.)

(Commercials)

(On the bridge of the SOL . . .)

(Mike and Crow stand on the bridge, talking. Servo enters wearing a sergeant's hat and a whistle around his neck.)

Servo: All right, you sissies! Drop and give me eight hundred thousand!

Mike and Crow: Servo?

Servo: That's *Sergeant* Servo to you, pretty boy.

Mike: What are you doing?

Servo: I realized from this comic today that we haven't been using our abilities to our fullest potential. We're lazy! We lack discipline! We've become weak and squishy and covered in that powdered sugar gunk that comes on jelly doughnuts!

Crow: And you're gonna do something about it, right?

Servo: You got that right, weakling!

Mike: Servo, it's not that I disagree with this idea or anything, but Crow and I don't have any mutant powers. We're just . . . ordinary.

Servo: Nonsense, you pasty-faced doughboy! You don't need mutant powers! You're from the Midwest! There's something you can do that few people can. (Camera pans to reveal a dairy churn.) Now make some cheese and make it fast Nelson!

Mike: Well, OK. I guess I can give it a shot! (Begins churning)

Servo: Crow T. Robot!

Crow (bored): What?

Servo: You need to work on your special gift. The one skill that only you can do. The thing that makes Crow -- Crow.

Crow: You mean --

Servo: Insult me you shiny little insect! Insult me like I've never been insulted before!

Crow: Hey, alright! This is gonna be great! Listen up you pathetic little domehead -- your mother was an ATM! Your father was a windshield! You need three quarts of Windex just to clean all those scuzzy little scuffmarks off your head every morning!

Servo: Yes, yes, you're getting it! (Turns to Mike, who is working at a moderate pace). C'mon, churn those curds you pathetic excuse for a dairy maid! And you call yourself a Wisconsiner.

Mike: I'm trying! I'm trying! (Speeds up)

Servo: Well try harder, cheesehead!

Crow (still rattling off insults): You're so ugly that toy machines in supermarkets turn away in utter repulsion at the thought that one of their own kind could have evolved into a creature so disgusting that it puts their species of machines to shame! Your butt's so big . . .

(Servo stops berating Mike)

Servo: Y-you think my butt's to big? (*sniff*)

Crow: Big?! It's freakin' huge! You could cause a solar eclipse over all nine planets with that thing.

(Servo starts sobbing and runs off. Mike whacks Crow with Servo's hat, which fell off when he left.)

Mike: You just had to push it too far, didn't you. (Buzzer sounds and lights flash.) Ohhhhhh, we've got comic book sign . . .

6...5...4...3...2...1...

Mike: Crow, don't you have something to say?
Crow: (*sigh*) Sorry, Servo.
Servo (still sniffling a bit): Are you s-sure my butt's not too big?
Mike: You look fine. Look, let's just finish the comic.

(Later, in co-headmistress Emma Frost's private office.)
Tom: What's my first impression of the kids? Well, right off the bat, Skin -- I mean ANGELO -- looks like a TROUBLEMAKER to me. He's got an attitude. Gotta WATCH that one.

Crow (Tom): I volunteer for that -- I *love* to watch.
Mike: Crow!
Crow: Hey, blame Servo. He's the one who made me work harder.

Sean: I think we may've gotten off on the wrong FOOT with Angelo, Tom. He's really a GOOD kid. Just a little . . . BITTER.

Crow (Tom): But I think a little sugar from the Tom-meister will clear that right up.

Tom: He's had a ROUGH life. Bein' a MUTANT'S hard enough on a kid. Havin' yer family DISOWN ye because of it is WORSE.
(Pig in a Spiderman suit appears in window behind Sean.)
Adrienne: My GOD! Did you SEE that?

Mike (Wizard of Oz): Pay no attention to that pig behind the curtain!

Sean: See WHAT, Adrienne? What're ye talking about?
Adrienne: I . . . I guess it was nothing. Guess being the new headmistress her is more stressful than I thought. Okay, ANYWAY . . . . . . Tom, if you think Angelo is going to be a PROBLEM, perhaps we should start discussing DISCIPLINARY measures.

Crow: You can discipline *me* all you want, baby!

Sean: Actually, me an' Emma've always shied AWAY from conventional discipline. Maybe we've just been goin' soft in our old --
Adrienne: THERE IT IS AGAIN! A little cartoon character just ran across the LAWN!

Servo: Run, Gumby, run!
Mike: Hey, check it out! It looks like a little evil Crow!
Crow: It does not.

Emma: A little cartoon character, eh . . .?

Mike: Eh? I knew it. The Canadians are taking over Marvel one X-book at a time.

(Spider Pig is chased up to the attic by a robotic, duck-billed Dr. Doom. Emma waits for them upstairs.)
Emma: Boys. Boys. BOYS.

Mike (as Carnac): What are three things that Emma just can't get enough of.

Emma: I thought we had an UNDERSTANDING.
(Leech and Artie shut off image inducers and return to normal.)
(Scene shifts back to headmaster's office)
Adrienne: I'm just saying that your AVERSION to actual discipline -- -- could very well be the REASON students like Angelo have attitude problems.

Servo: If you just rub his face in it next time he won't do it anymore and you won't have to clean the carpet so often.

(*BRRRT*)
Adrienne: Massachussetts Academy -- headmaster's office. How may -- Yes, yes, he's right here, please hold. Sean, it's for you. Someone named "SAM GUTHRIE."
Sean: Sam, boyo! How are ye?
Adrienne: Guthrie . . . I wonder if he's related to PAIGE.

Crow (rolling eyes): No, genius, it's just one of those common names like 'Smith' or 'Jones' or 'Kirkenburgersteiner.'
Mike: Actually, the way those Guthries tend to multiply, it probably *would* be a pretty common name.
Servo: Kirkenburgersteiner?

Tom: He's her brother. He's part of X-FORCE, a group of older kids. Sean's DAUGHTER, Theresa's a member.

Mike: Heeeeyyy, wait a minute. Didn't Sam join the X-Men over a year ago?
Crow: Mike, what do we keep telling you?
Mike (sighs): Continuity is to Marvel as snowmen are to Hell.
Servo: Very good.

Tom: Sean? You OKAY, bud?
Sean: Theresa's been HURT. It's bad. I have to go to San Francisco to be with her.

Crow: Is there anyone here who thinks this wasn't just another lame, transparent attempt to get Sean out of the way for the next few issues?
Mike and Servo (bored): No.

(The Gen-Xers meet with Tristan on the grounds.)
Tristan: I got your MESSAGE. What's the deal?
Jubilee: The DEAL is that we're not gonna let you BLACKMAIL us. Sure, TODAY all you want is a date with PAIGE, but what about TOMORROW, huh? Or the day after THAT?

Servo (falsetto): Or the day after the day after that? Or the day after the day after the . . .
Mike: Give it a rest, Tom.

Tristan: Jubilee, I've been attending private schools like this one -- well, except for the mutants-in-training part -- all my LIFE. And you know what? They all have ONE thing in common. An HONOR CODE. It's not only something I believe in, it's something that I EMBRACE.

Servo: Oooo, looks like someone's taken Romance 101 with metal boy.
Crow: Hey, stay off my turf, Servo.

Tristan: My WORD is my BOND.

Mike: James Bond.

Tristan: And I give you my WORD, you have NOTHING to fear from me.
Paige: Wow.

Servo (Paige): That's the biggest load of crap Ah ever heard in mah life!

Paige: I'll do it, I'll go out with you.

Crow: Wow! Look at that! The more time the girls spend around Emma, the shorter their skirts get!
Servo: You know, even Ally McBeal would never wear anything *that* short.

Gen-Xers: You'll what?!

Mike, Servo and Crow: NEW YORK CITY?!
Mike: Get a rope!

Jubilee: Paige, are you NUTS? We don't KNOW this kid from the Backstreet Boys.

Servo: What do you guys think -- gratuitous plug?
Crow: Looks that way.

Paige: You guys . . . Ah've fought SENTINELS and EMPLATE and GENE NATION. We're talking about ONE DATE. How dangerous could it BE?

Crow: Oh, crap. I sense more bad foreshadowing in our future.

Everett: Tristan, my man -- we want a WORD with you.
(Jono, Everett and Angelo pull Tristan away.)

Mike (Tristan): Ummm, guys, (*gasp*) words usually (*ack*) aren't this (*youch*) painful!

Monet: You've got a GREAT sense of timing, HAYSEED. You FINALLY get interested in someone other than JONOTHON -- and he's a BLACKMAILING little gnat.

(Mike, Crow and Servo squint at the page.)
Servo: Monet said that?
Mike: Wait a minute -- that can't be right.
Crow: It *looks* like Monet . . .
Servo: Yeah, but it sounds like Jubilee.
Mike: Here, lemme get a better look (pulls out magnifying glass). Nope, still two little caucasian-looking blobs.
Crow: Well the one on the right is *clearly* supposed to be Monet.
Servo: Maybe the letterers just screwed up the word balloons again.

Jono: ~ Much as I'd LIKE to, I can't STOP Paige from goin' OUT with you. BUT if you cause her even the SLIGHTEST discomfort -- well, let's just say my powers have a nasty habit of blowing blokes' FACES off.

Mike (to Crow): One word out of you and you're back being Servo for the next month.
Crow: I didn't say anything!
Servo: Whoa, way to build my self-esteem there, Mike.

(Later on the runner's trail that winds through the Massachussetts Academy's wooded grounds.)
Jubilee: Never thought I'd be this amped about something as dorky as a SCHOOL DANCE before. But with GAIA out of the picture,

Servo: After that little piece of "confidential info" I gave to the government about her terrorist activities.
Mike: That's it. You two have been watching *way* too much "South Park."
Crow: Blasphemer! There's no such thing!

Jubilee: there's a CHANCE Everett might ask ME to go with him. THAT sure would make MONET jealous. Nobody believes me, but I'm positive she's got a THING for him -- 'specially after the way she got him all alone when we went to Boston. Mike: Hey, did Monet ever get that tattoo?
Crow: What?!
Servo: When did *that* happen?
Mike: Back in issue 50. (The 'bots turn and stare at him.) The editor's note says to look it up!
Crow: Oh, poor, stupid, naïve Mike. When will you ever learn that that's just a way to con you into buying more books?

Jubilee: I'd give ANYTHING to see the LOOK on her face --
(Shadowed figure reaches out from forest)
Man: Ah . . . Adrienne . . .
Jubilee: What the --?!

Servo: Wow, Monet's changed a *lot* since lunchtime.

Man: I need . . . to see . . . ADRIENNE FROST . . .!
(Falls over right in front of Jubilee)
Jubilee: Aw, man . . . I think Adrienne's got some EXPLAINING to do!
(To be continued . . !)

Crow: Continued? Why? I thought the ending was pretty self-explanatory.
Servo: Dear God, no! That means there's gonna be another issue!
Mike: Hey, calm down guys. Don't you remember what I told you about this book?
Crow and Servo (chanting half-heartedly): How bad can it be while the book's Hama-free.
Mike: Good. Just remember that and you should be OK.

(Mike and the 'bots leave the theater.)

(On the bridge)

Servo: You know, I hate to say it guys, but this book's really starting to grow on me.

Crow: Yeah, once you get past the repetitive plotlines, the lack of character development and the near-miss retcons, there's really nothing there to hate.

Servo (whispering): That's because there's nothing there, period.

(Crow and Mike shush Servo.)

Mike: It's true. In fact, I think I can safely say that I'm really starting to enjoy reading Generation X every month.

(Down in castle Forrester, Pearl stares at Mike and the 'bots, confused.)

Pearl: You mean I've been sending you something you *enjoy*?

Mike: Yep, in fact we're actually looking forward to reading the next issue.

Pearl: Oh . . . well . . . that sort of ruins the whole torture motif of my experiments, doesn't it? I guess I can't send you anymore issues of Generation X.

(Mike, Servo and Crow start celebrating)

Crow: Man, is she an idiot!

Servo: I can't believe she thinks that anyone would voluntarily read that birdcage liner.

Mike: Yeah, what a dope.

Crow: We really showed her!

Servo: Whoo-HOO!

Mike: (sobers up and puts his hands on the 'bots to calm them down.) Uh, guys?

Servo: Yeah, Mike?

Mike (nodding towards camera): Pearl's still watching.

Pearl (smirking at camera): Well, Nelstone, since you enjoy the comic so much, far be it for me to deny you this one simple pleasure you and your little friends have in your otherwise miserable lives. (Looks off camera) Send 'em the subscription, Brain Guy!

Mike, Crow and Servo: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

(End credits)

(Stinger) Piotr: If you're painting a bowl of fruit, you must become EMOTIONALLY ATTACHED to that bowl of fruit.