...theme music, la-la-la's, guitar twang, door sequence, and...
Tom: Ooh, and then we'll make Captain America the President!
Crow: Yeah! And when he needs to go on secret missions against Doctor Doom--who's the ruler of the United European Technocracy--he wears the suit so no-one will know who he is! Not even Vice-President Tony Stark!
Mike: Hi, everybody, welcome to the Satellite of Love. I'm Mike Nelson, and Tom Servo and Crow, here, are trying to cash in on comics' latest trend. Right, guys?
Crow: Yep! See, the new hit trend in comics is to reinvent popular comics characters in an alternate universe--deconstructing popular mythos in an effort to make a quick buck!
Tom: Just kill off a few characters, resurrect a few more, make good guys bad guys, add a despotic tyrant and a resistance movement, and you're set! So, where were we?
Mike: You were explaining how Spider-Man had been kidnapped by the Swedish government and turned into Spider-Woman.
Tom: OK, so--Hey!
[yellow light starts flashing on console]
Mike: We've got commercial sign, guys.
Crow: Don't think you can weasel your way out of this one, Mike.
[Mike taps yellow light.] We'll be right back.
["Here at Comedy Central, we don't do anything to get ratings." Including keep worthwhile programming on the air, or show anything new, or--Excuse us. We're planning another 24-hour 'Saturday Night Live' marathon. Did we mention how crap NBC is?]
Mike: And the Hulk could have his own talk show; I mean, can't you see it? "Hulk smash puny guests!"
Tom: Oh, puh-lease, Mike. The Hulk hasn't talked like that since issue #327, when--
Crow: What about issue #376? What about Iron Man #1?
Tom: Pshaw. 'Heroes Reborn' doesn't count for--
Mike: Button it, fanbot, the Wonder Twins are calling. [Taps red flashing light.]
Dr. F: Greetings, Spider-Twit! You and your Amazing Friends had better just kneel down before my almighty Invention Exchange!
[Pan over to TV's Frank, who is lying in a hospital bed, complete with IV's and an oxygen mask. Bellows are pumping, machines are beeping, etc.]
Frank (voice slightly muffled by mask): How many times has this happened to you? You've got a friend in an ICU that's costing you money. You want to pull the plug, but it's too emotionally draining. So--
Dr. F: You just use my new invention. [Giggles maniacally and rubs his hands together, then claps twice. All the machines switch off.] The Intensive Care Clapper!
[Cut back to SOL. Mike and the bots are gaping openly, with an expression of stunned shock on their faces. Well, except for Tom, who's got as much of an expression of stunned shock as you can have with a transparent head.]
Crow (in low, Clint-Eastwood/Jack-Palance-esque tones): We'll just pretend we never saw that.
[Mike shakes his head violently back and forth.] Well, now it's time for our Invention Exchange--which won't be some sick, depraved excursion into the darker reaches of the human spirit. [He holds up a small box about the size of a cigarette lighter.] It's the TV Beeper!
Crow: Yeah, it tells you when something good is on TV, so you won't have to waste time watching bad shows!
Mike: Now, how do you turn it on?
Tom: Um, Mike...it is on. It's been on for twenty minutes.
Mike: Oh.
[Cut back to Deep 13. Dr. Forrester is standing at the console, and in the background, Frank is clutching violently at his oxygen mask.]
Dr. F: Gee, that's just thrilling. Well, Michael Moore, your little slice of pain today is a tale of the Age of Apocalypse...but not anywhere near as interesting. It's a worthless little piece of tripe called "Jammers", and it makes Ratliff look like Shakespeare. Send them the fanfic, Frank. [looks over at Frink, who is turning a rather interesting shade of violet.] Oh, for-- [hits the button quickly before running to the bed.]
Mike: Why doesn't he just clap again--[lights, buzzers, total chaos] We've got FANFIC SIGN!
[All head for theater amidst much hullaballoo]
This is my first attempt at Fan-Fiction
Tom: Oooh, that's a bad sign right off the bat.
Mike: Now, now, just because it's his first doesn't necessarily mean it's bad.
so bear with me. I wrote this in
script form to make this easier to read enjoy....if it's possible
Crow: Nope...sorry, don't think it is.
Tom: Can we start worrying yet?
- Prelate Syphon
Note **command ** mean an action is being don
Mike: Rickles?
Crow: Knotts?
Tom: Adams?
The Jammers in The Age of Apocalypse\Orgin of the Prelates
All (singing): This is the dawning of the Age of Apocalypse...Age of Apocalypse...
Cast: Syphon/Prelate-Syphon-Male Prelation 16
Tom: The story...is about the author. I think it's now officially time to panic.
Gothic/Prelate-McCone-Female Prelation 16
Hott Jammer- Male Mutant 17
Crow: OK, who would actually be cruel enough to name their child "Hott"?
Mike: Well, Mr. and Mrs. Jammer, obviously.
Plasma Jammer-Male Mutant 16
Crow: "Hott" and "Plasma"? Boy, Mr. and Mrs. Jammer must have been thinking some really sick thoughts when they named these kids.
James Jammer-Male MetaMutant 18
Plasmonica-Female Mutant 14
Mike: Hey, I learned how to play the plasmonica in sixth grade! But I had to stop because it burnt my lips.
Vortex-Male Mutant 15
Gambit-Male Mutant 24
Aftermath-Male OmniMutant 1,260,957
Mike: Bet he still needs to show ID in bars, though.
Crow: I think I have Gym class after math.
Genenti-Male XenoMutant 1,9840 Klaw-Male XenoMutant 1,209 Kzan-Male XenoMutant 1,092
Mike: Great, it's the first story where the bad guys can qualify for the 'senior citizen' discount at Hardee's.
Dark Star-Male CloneMutant 3 but looks 16
Moira Trask-Female Human 37
Bolivar Trask-Male Human 37
Dark Beast-Male Mutant 27
Catalyst-? Prelation ?
Tom: Don't ask us, we don't know.
Prelate-Richards-Male Prelation 23
Prelate-Summers-Male Prelation 25
Crow: Gosh, I never realized "Prelate" was such a popular first name.
Tom: Yeah, it's a yuppie thing, like "Morgan" and "Ashley".
Sentinal#1
Sentinal#2
Crow: I heard Connery auditioned for the role of Sentinel #2.
Mike: Sean?
Crow: No, Neil.
Guard#1-Male Human 20
Guard#2-Male Human 20
Tom: As played by Robert DeNiro in an uncredited cameo!
Crow: Yeah, I heard he was paid a thousand dollars per second of screen time.
Mike: But for DeNiro, that's 'scale'.
Magneto-Male Mutant 40
Crow: Gee, you'd think that a man who was an adult Holocaust survivor would be at least in his sixties...
Angel-Male Mutant 23
Karma-Female Mutant 21
Apocalypse-Male Mutant ?
Tom: And playing the role of Apocalypse...Mick Jagger!
Rogue-Female Mutant 22
Sabretooth-Male Mutant 84
Wildchild-Male Mutant 20
Blink-Female Mutant 16
Morph-Male Mutant 21
Mikhail-Male Mutant 23
Trish Tilby-Female Human 22
February 1, 1995
Int. Eurasia, Night in the AOA
Crow: Interior: Eurasia?
Tom: Yeah, you know...in the Age of Apocalypse, it got domed and turned into a mini-mall.
A team of teenage mutants known as the Jammers outside the Human High
Council Building.
Tom: I guess we're supposed to take his word for it.
Syphon: Uh? Jim what are we doin'' again Mon Ami?
Crow: Yeah, could you recap the plot for us?
James Jammer: We tracked Aftermath and his desiples here
Vortex: Thanks to me for my time travel and dimensional portals
Mike: Oh, yes, let's all bow down to the Almighty Vortex now...whoop de doo.
Plasma Jammer: Thank you Vortex,
Crow: Now shut up.
Jim I guess we should split up
Tom: So as to be killed more readily.
Hott Jammer: Okay here's the teams 1: Jim, Hott, Plasma 2: Plasmonica,
Vortex
And Since you two are from this reality 3: Gothic, Syphon
Gothic: Sounds good to me 'cept Sy is from New Orleans over in North
America
Syphon: Hey Chere I been here before when my an' my uncle Remy
Tom: His uncle Remy?
Crow: Oh, this is a recipe for pain, guys.
were here after my father died in da Louisiana cullings.
Gothic: Oh, sorry (sarcastically)
Mike: Oh, yeah, I'm so sorry your father died, geez, didn't mean to bother you or anything.
Plasmonica: Who's where
All: Third base!
James Jammer: Dark Star and Geneti are in North America
Crow: Well, that sure narrows it down.
Syphon: We'll go dere Mon Ami
James Jammer: (To Syphon) Be careful Dark Star is you 10x
Crow: 10x? What kind of name is that for a superhero?
Tom: Well, I didn't see him in the cast listings...
Gothic Don't worry he's been in the Jammers since he was 13 and after
1,000
battles is he dead?
Mike: No, we've been pulling his scrawny little butt out of problems all this time, and we'll continue to do so now!
Syphon: Yeah thanks Chere.
James Jammer: Fine, next Klaw and Kzan are in Russia
Vortex: We'll take it I know Russia's lay out pretty well
Crow: (Maxwell Smart voice): I know this country like the back of my hand! Um...could someone please show me to the back of my hand?
Hott Jammer: But this is a different reality no America, no safe zones,
no, Pauly Shore Movies
Tom: No Pauly Shore movies? That's it; I'm moving there.
.....Damn.
Tom: These people are depressed that this reality has no Pauly Shore.
Crow: Is it wrong to wish them dead?
Mike: Not in this case.
Plasmonica: We know we know.
Mike: But do you know you know you know?
James Jammer: Hott Jammer, Plasma Jammer and I will stay here and
figure out
where Aftermath is.
Tom: So the team leader gets to sit on his butt and try to work out where his Gym class is.
Mike: No, it's Aftermath, the new sitcom starring Jamie Farr and Henry Morgan!
Syphon: Wait a minute 2 questions Mon Ami 1. How are we going to get
there
2. How do you know dat
Crow: I'm not wearing any underwear?
James Jammer: answers 1. We ask the Human High Council 2. Gene Tracker
If I scan for you I get..2 readings you and a variant namely Dark Star
Syphon: Uh okay Mon Ami
Plasma Jammer: Okay My friends shall we go in?
They walk in to the building
Tom: So, if they don't have the little **'s, does that mean they just say, 'They walk in to the building'?
Int. Building inside night
Crow: Interior Building, inside. Isn't that a little redundant?
Tom: And repetitive?
Mike: And just saying the same thing, over and over again?
2 guards confront them
Guard#1: Halt!, What is your business with the council
Crow: Candygram!
Syphon: Tell Moira, Julian LeBeau is here to see her
Guard#2: first answer some questions 1. What are you
Mike: I'm Batman.
2.Who are you
Crow (in Karl Malden voice): When I travel interdimensionally, frequently I'm not recognized by dim-witted security guards. That's why I carry the American Express card. Don't leave home without it!
3. How do you Mrs. Trask?
Tom: Say, that's a bit personal, isn't it?
James Jammer: 1. Mutants 2. The Jammers 3. Syphon is....
Syphon: Old friends with Mrs. Trask
Crow: Oh, I'm sorry, you need to put your answer in the form of a question. But don't worry, you'll get these lovely bullets, and a copy of our home game.
Guard#1: Proceed
Mike: And the Jammers manage to sneak past the intense scrutiny of the security guards.
Vortex: Buttheads (silently)
Guard#2: Hey
Tom: Yes, and that was DeNiro's only line in the entire story.
Crow: But look at how well he delivered it! I mean...he _was_ Guard #2.
They enter the High Council Hall
Tom: I guess the little **'s must have just been optional.
Int. High Council Hall night
Moira Trask: Who are ye?
Syphon: It's me Moira, Julian LeBeau.
Moira Trask: I haven'ta seen ye in years how old are ye?
Syphon: 16 nice ta ya Mon Ami
Moira Trask: Yeah aren't ye Remy's boy
Syphon: No, Mon Ami I Henri LeBeau's kid, Remy is my Uncle
Tom: I'm sorry, but I still refuse to accept that.
Moira Trask: Now what Can I do ye for.
James Jammer: I'm James Jammer leader of the Jammers, When my
Jammers and I
Mike: Yes, and it's 4 'Jammers' in one line, a new record!
Came here 3 years ago we found Julian in North America with a man named
Magneto in what was left of Westchester, New York.
Boliver Trask: Julian long time no see lad where ye been
Syphon: Boli Mon Ami been long time, I've been in New Jersey for the last
Years.
Plasma Jammer: To cut to the point we need transport to Russia and
North America could you help us out?
Mike: No, you little free-loading twits. Why don't you get a job, huh?
Moira Trask: Okay We have sentinels going to the former US and to
Russia for Supplies anyway.
All: Supplies!
Syphon: Thanks Mon Ami I owe you one.
Moira Trask: How bout if ye promise ta help Eurasia's Defenses?
Hott Jammer: I can build a Fire wall it won't be much use But it will
Help if your bombed.
Tom: Whoa, man, I'm, like, totally bombed right now.
Bolivar Trask: Any thing will help.
So the Three teams spit up Jim,Hott,Plasma stay to gather info
Tom: And Sir Robin went north, through the Dread Forest of Ewing.
Gothic and Syphon left to find Remy LeBeau and kill Dark Star and Geneti
Vortex and Plasmonica left for Russia to find Klaw and Kzan
Mike: Hi, I'm the narrator. No, I don't need little :'s to show where I'm talking. I'm the narrator, and if you tick me off, I'll make your character run head-first into a brick wall.
Int. Sentinel inside lounge day
Crow: So, who else has come to the conclusion that this guy just saw the word 'Int' on a script and thought it was how you introduced scenes?
[Both of the others raise their hands]
February 3, 1995
Sentinal#1: Estimated time to arrival to Moscow, Russia 30 minutes
Vortex: So Monica You sleep well
Tom: Yes, Monica's a truly expert sleeper. Very few have so thoroughly mastered the art of sleeping...drooling into the pillow, kicking off the covers...
Plasmonica: yep got my 8 hours, Vortex.
Vortex: Please, call me Mike
Mike: You know, I knew a Mike Vortex in college, once...
Plasmonica: Okay.....Mike
Vortex: Lets go see the computer files maybe we'll find somethin' useful
Tom: Like 'Descent'.
Plasmonica: Okay. He he he (silently)
After 30 minutes of Making out they land and get out
Crow: They had to land from necking? Now that is a make-out session.
Int. Wasteland noon
Tom: Interior Wasteland?
Crow: Yep...they didn't just land, they got embedded six feet into the ground.
Kzan: Hello Jammers
Vortex: crap... I didn't Expect to see you so soon
Tom: My punctuation and capitalization generator is still on the fritz.
Plasmonica: Yeah!
Kzan: Well to tell the truth I'm here to stall you or kill you which
ever comes first Gha ha ha.
Tom: I don't know about you guys, but I'm hoping for 'kill'.
Vortex: Ah this is going to be easier then shaving the cat.
Plasmonica: What!?
Mike: Our thoughts exactly, hon.
Vortex: Don't worry girl I get rid of him easy
Crow: Say, isn't that Elvis over there?
**Opens a vortex to the middle of the sun Kzan dies when he falls in**
Tom: Well, there's that intense, dramatic fight scene over. Whew! I am just sweating!
Crow: Not as much as that guy is.
Plasmonica: How can you do that?
Vortex: with great pain!
Crow: Ah, so you're reading the story too!
**Vortex faints and the sentinel puts him in it's med lab**
Plasmonica: Oh just great I'm alone now
Crow (as Plasmonica): Yes! I finally got rid of that little jerk!
She walks toward a bus abandoned
Mike (as Plasmonica): Time to get the hell _out_ of this story.
Int. Bus inside
Tom: As opposed, for example, to the interior of the bus outside.
Plasmonica: All right full tank'o'gas and the keys.
Tom: So who would abandon a bus with a full tank of gas and the keys in the ignition?
Crow: The gods of Plot Contrivance.
She drive toward Leningrad, (Leningrad was never renamed back to
St. Petersburg for Communism didn't fall in 1991 for Apocalypse toke it
over)
Mike: What was Apocalypse toking now?
Tom: Apocalypse...mutant conqueror and into high-grade weed.
Plasmonica: He's probably in Leningrad he was born there a while back.
Crow: Last week, wasn't it?
Klaw: glad ya found me girl now die
Tom: Boy, she must be really great at hide and seek.
Crow: Not as good as he is. I mean, after the first couple of games, would you even go look for him?
**He blows up the bus but she escape by jumping out the window**
Crow: This was a scene cut from 'Speed', wasn't it?
Int. Wasteland late Afternoon
Klaw: Come on try and kill me if you dare
Crow: I dare ya ta kill me! I double dog dare ya!
Plasmonica: This going to hurt me a hellova lot more than you
Tom: Oh, no, it's hurting us more than you could possibly imagine...
**Charges up A flaming green ball of plasma and throws it at him**
Klaw: ow ow ow ow ow that hurt
Mike: Ow, ow, oowie, owie, oh, pain, with the stinging, and the hurting, ouch!
Plamonica: have fun?!
Crow: Oh, God, yes! Please...again with the plasma!
Klaw: I'm taking you with me you....(groans)
Tom: I mean to say, You're taking you with me! No, wait, um, I'm taking me with you, and you're--no, wait, I'll get it!
**Klaw blows up, Plasmonic turn in to pure plasma and flashes in a light
particle to the sentinel**
Mike: And another moment of dramatic tension is handled with all the skill and delicate brilliance of language we've come to expect from your average head-trauma victim.
Sentinel#1: Is you mission complete Designate: Plasmonica?
Plasmonica: yes we shall return now.
Mike: It's scary, but I think the Sentinel shows more depth of emotion than she does.
Sentinel#1: Affirmative.
They cruise to The H.H.C.
Mike: I think we gotta cruise, too, guys. Come on...
[He picks up Tom and they all leave the theatre.]
[Door sequence, played in reverse, leads them out to the SOL Bridge...but Crow isn't there.]
Mike: Hey, Tom, where's Crow? I thought that you and him were going to do some more work on that comics thing.
Tom: I don't know, Mike. He said he was going to go into his room to get the Storm/Magik limited series, and I haven't seen him--
[A loud thudding noise is heard on the outside of the ship.]
Mike: What the--? Cambot, give me Rocket Number Nine!
[The iris-shaped window opens up, revealing Crow floating in space. Of course, we only see him from the waist up.]
Crow: Hey, guys!
Mike: Crow, what are you doing? You're supposed to be in here with us!
Crow: I am!
Tom: Huh?
Crow: The story we're reading today liberated my formerly three-dimensional thinking. Inside, outside, it really doesn't matter to me anymore! I'm wherever I choose to be...I am one with the universe...I am Woman, Hear me Roar, and--
Mike: No, you are not! Now stop all this foolishness and come inside.
Crow: Oh, alright...be just a second, I have to work my way along the ship to the airlock--and that's pretty hard to do with non-functional hands.
Mike: I could put on the Manipulator arms, get you over there real quick--
Crow: NO! I mean, um, no, that's perfectly alright, Mike, thanks, I'd really rather not wind up a burnt-out cinder, crashing helplessly to the Earth like a certain telescope you expressly forbade us to mention...I'll make my own way there. [Starts going below the screen as the iris closes again.]
Mike: Hmph. Bots. It's like my mom said about kids, Tom. You can't live with 'em, and shallow graves in the backyard attract the attention of the police.
Tom (edging away hastily): Well, gee, that's very interesting and all, Mike, I'd love to stay and chat, but, um, I've got this, um, thing, it's--
[lights, buzzers, sirens, total chaos begin]
Tom: IT'S FANFIC SIGN!
[all exit bridge amidst much hullaballoo]
James Jammer, Hott Jammer, Plasma Jammer Help out at the H.H.C
February 2, 1995 morning (Before Mike and Monica's adventure)
Tom: That's really not the right term for it.
Crow: Yeah, how about "boring little interlude"?
Int. H.H.C. Building
Moira Trask: Are ye done with fire wall already
Hott Jammer: Yes Ma'am We finished last night around 2.30 am
Moira Trask: Up that late are ye tired?
James Jammer: No Ma'am we slept till 6.00pm yesterday to prepare for
travel.
Bolivar Trask: If ye be needin' food ask the guards
James Jammer: Thanks sir. Guard 3 coffees light and sweet
Mike: What do I look like, your personal valet?
Guard#1: Yes sir
**Gives them the coffees**
Tom: Yes, this guard carries coffees everywhere, just in case the guests have need of them.
Plasma Jammer: Jim this is pretty good coffee it's gotta be expensive
gourmet
[all start humming the theme from "Pulp Fiction"]
James Jammer: Yeah but I'm afraid of old demon Julian hasn't put to rest
Tom (singing): Old demon Julian, he just keeps rollin', he must know something, but can't say nothing, he just keeps rollin' along...
Hott Jammer: ya mean seein' somethin and wantin' ta stay here
James Jammer: yeah he doesn't have much in our universe
Tom: And goodness knows, the Age of Apocalypse is _all_ sweetness and light...
Plasma Jammer: Oh, well
Mike: Ah, once again the team members show their true feelings for each other.
Crow: Resigned contempt?
Mike: Yep!
February 3, 1995
Int. H.H.C. building
Boliver Trask: I think I found him In Apocalypse's Citadel
Mike: Who?
Tom: Apocalypse. I mean, sure, it's pretty obvious, but when you think about it, that's the last place you'd look for him.
James Jammer: Good once every body returns we go in for the kill
Mike: And blast the author right off the face of the planet.
Moira Trask: What about Apocalypse
Crow: Oh, I saw that movie! With Bill Murray and Richard Dreyfuss, right?
Hott Jammer: The X-men shall take care of him I believe or Weapon-X or
maybe
Generation Next or X-Caliber.
Plasma Jammer: Maybe we'll go to Parias World sometime
Moira Trask: what?
Tom: Pariah's World. It's a theme park where everyone avoids each other.
Hott Jammer: we go to different times and places to explore.
Moira Trask: Sounds interesting
Mike (as Moira): Maybe if I just smile and nod, they'll shut up...
Hott Jammer: It is when James died in my world in 1991 we traveled to
the
past to save him in 1995, we live in 1996.
Tom: 1995 is the past of 1991? Exactly which dating system are you using here?
Bolivar Trask: really that's the key to Immortality
Crow: Living in 1996 is the key to immortality, huh? Guess we've got it made, then.
James Jammer: well not really it could help us live longer but not forever.
Crow: Dang.
Moira Trask: Ye are lucky to do that
Guard#1: Ma'am, Logan and Jean Grey are here to see you
Moira Trask: Bolivar, Brian, Emma there here now get ye lazy butts out
there
Now we cut to Syphon and Gothic arriving at heaven
Mike: Imagine there's no Heaven, though. It's easy...if you try.
Tom: I'd rather imagine there's no story.
Mike: Well, hey, you've got a great start! There's already no plot, no characterization...
February 3, 1995 night
Int. Heaven Angel's private club
Karma: May I help you
Syphon we're here to see Angel Mon Ami
Karma: of course and you are?
Tom: By the outfits, I'd guess strippers, but I could be wrong.
Crow: Hey, no fair ripping on their costumes when we don't know what they look like!
Tom: Well, that was a standard "superhero-spandex" joke. It's allowed.
Gothic: Heather McCone and Julian LeBeau
Karma: LeBeau!? Of course right away
Crow: I'll set up the ambush immediately--that is to say, I, er...heh...excuse me.
Angel walks over
Angel: Julian your Uncle was here yesterday, he stole the good silverware.
Tom: So I'm going to beat it out of your hide.
Gothic: Really that's nice where is he
Mike: If I knew, I'd have my silverware again, wouldn't I?
Angel: He left for Westchester, New York
Syphon: Thanks Mon Ami
Angel: Just be careful you never know who is watching
Gothic: see ya later Warren
Angel: likewise young lady
They leave heaven and head towards New York Till they reach the Citadel
Tom: Leaving heaven and heading for New York. Boy, if that isn't a metaphor for Lucifer's fall, I don't know what is.
February 4, 1995
Int. Dark Beast's Lab
Dark Beast: Salutations Julian and you lady friend behind you
Tom: Boy, Syphon just knows everybody, doesn't he?
Mike: Yeah, he's the Johnny Carson of the mutant world.
Gothic: my name is Heather McCone
Syphon: Hank Mon Ami Can you help me become more powerful
Dark Beast: Of course Young LeBeau you and Heather wish to become
my Prelates?
Crow: Er, um...not really, you know, because that involves horrible, dangerous surgery that stands a good chance of killing us, and--
Gothic and Syphon together: Sure!
Mike: We're both rock stupid!
Dark Beast: Heather lay down on the table
Tom: Now put on this negligee.
**straps her down on the table cut her head open injects chemicals and
Stitches her skull roof back on and heals her then removes the stiches**
Crow: Ouch! No anaesthetic, no sterilization...
Tom: Well, it's easier when there's nothing inside the skull to get in the way.
Dark Beast: Now you are Prelate-McCone has a nice ring to it wouldn't you
say.
All: No.
You now can generate plasma and have a healing factor which is now a
standard in all my Prelates.
Mike: But does she have power brakes and air-conditioning?
He then does it to Syphon.
Tom: OK, there's another image I won't be able to get out of my head without prescription drugs.
Dark Beast: You are now Prelate-LeBeau...no how bout Prelate-Syphon yes
you
can now steal powers, knowledge and energy by touching the 2 major
joints
in the head or pressure points plus healing factor and healing powers.
Crow: Of course it won't work on people who have no knowledge...so don't bother using it on me.
Prelate-Syphon: Thanks Mon Ami
Prelate-McCone: Yeah thanks DB
Dark Beast: I want to leave this place please take me with you I'll leave
a clone I've been working on it doesn't think it's a clone it know every I do
Mike: I think Dark Beast has been dosing himself with a few too many chemicals, howbout you guys?
Prelate-Syphon: Sure
Dark Beast: Sure I need to tattoo you two
Tom: Let's see...you'll get a hula dancer, and you'll get a heart with the word 'MOM' in it.
He gives a black stripe over the left eye to Julian and Black
Jean Grey type over the left eye for Heather
Crow: She's got a woman in skintight spandex over her left eye?
They leave for Magneto's place in New York
Mike: And we're leaving too...while we still can.
[Mike picks up Tom and all leave theater. Door sequence plays in reverse, and...]
[SOL Bridge. Mike is strapped down onto the counter with a sheet draped over him. Crow is standing over him with a radial saw, wearing goggles. Tom is wearing the candy striper's outfit.]
Mike: Come on, guys, this isn't funny anymore. Put down the saw, and we'll just forget the whole thing ever happened.
Crow: Oh, don't be such a wimp, Mike! This is your chance to gain amazing powers, like the people in today's experiment! You'll have a healing factor, and, and, and all sorts of neat stuff! And all it requires is a minute or two of agonizing pain, and the chance of permanent brain damage.
Tom: Ix-nay, on the ermanent-pay ain-bray amage-day, Ow-cray.
Crow: Oh, yeah, right. So anyway, ready or not, here we come!
[Crow leans down with the radial saw, getting closer and closer to the wildly squirming Mike. Suddenly, Gypsy walks in. Crow hides the radial saw behind his back.]
Gypsy: What are you boys doing?
Crow: Oh, nothing...
Mike: They were about to perform unnecessary surgery on me! And Crow's not qualified!
Crow: Oh, come on, if Dark Beast could do it, it can't be that hard...
Gypsy: Well, I'm not going to have to clean up any blood around here! Cut him loose this instant, boys!
Crow: Awww...we never have any fun. [He leans down, and the straps come free from the side not facing Cambot, thus making it much much easier on the special effects people.]
Mike (sitting up): Whew, thanks, Gypsy. Say, you mind getting my jumpsuit, it's hanging up right by the light.
Gypsy: Which light?
Mike: You know, the one that's flashing--FANFIC SIGN!
[all run around wildly amidst the lights and sirens, Mike manages to grab the jumpsuit while still keeping the sheet draped strategically around himself...]
[all enter theatre. Mike is just zipping his jumpsuit up, and tosses the sheet behind him.]
Crow: I'm telling you, Mike, you missed your big chance...
Mike: I'll live.
February 5, 1995
Int. Xavier Mansion
Enter the Prelates and the disguised beast
Magneto: Ah Julian you have Returned it has been three years has it not
Tom: Nope. Twenty minutes. I went out to get milk, remember?
Prelate-Syphon: yes Mon Professor It been awhile
Gambit: Julian! Mon Ami How old are you now eh?
Prelate-Syphon: 16 uncle
Gambit: 16 I'm 24! you 8 years younger then Gambit
Tom: Gee, I didn't think Gambit could count that high.
Mike: Y'know, you'd at least think that some of this guy's family and friends would have a guess at how old he is...
Prelate-McCone: Hi Mr. LeBeau
Gambit: please Chere call me Remy
Dark Beast: Magneto May I please use you Communication station
Magneto: Yes
Dark Beast: I shall return
Crow: General Douglas MacArthur _is_ Dark Beast!
Blink Blinks in from the Citadel
Blink: Julian! 3 years it's been
Prelate-Syphon: Yes Chere it has
Tom: Thank you; we hadn't had the knowledge drilled into our head quite sufficiently yet.
Prelate-McCone: Do you know everyone here
Prelate-Syphon: Yes I do Chere well almost everybody
Dark Beast: My Prelates are coming to help us Prelates Syphon and McCone.
Gambit: you two are Prelates?!
Prelate-Syphon: yeah Mon Ami I had to defeat two villains named Geneti
and
Dark Star my clone.
Dark Beast: Sorry about that a man named Aftermath asked me for one but
now
you're equally matched,
Mike: You know, in a normal story, a revelation like that would be the centerpiece of the scene...but no, in this, it's just a tidbit of information sandwiched in between numerous introductions and repetitions of, "How old are you now?"
But Not even En Sabah Nur could kill aftermath so
Prelate you are in deep...
Sabretooth walks in with Wildchild
Crow: Deep Sabretooth? Ick!
Tom: And now...Deep Sabretooth. By Jack Handey.
Sabretooth: Julian! my little buddy
Wildchild: (growls with excitement)
Prelate-Syphon: Hey Mes Amis I missed you guys
Sabretooth: 'Scuse me gotta go let Kyle outside
Crow: He's not housetrained yet.
Sabretooth leaves and comes back
The Prelates arrive
Dark Beast: Solder Sound off
Prelate-Summers: Havoc here sir
Prelate-Richards: Franklin Richards here sir
Catalyst: Catalyst here sir
Prelate-McCone: Heather McCone here sir
Prelate-Syphon: Syphon is here Mon Ami
Crow: Where's Pyle? PYYYYYYYYYYYLE!?!?!?!
Blink: Nice Julian.
Tom: Thanks, I made it myself.
Prelate-Syphon: thanks Chere
Magneto: Rogue and Morph, Julian has returned
Rogue and Morph walk in
Mike: Shouldn't they walk in _before_ he starts talking to them?
Rogue: Julian what you been doin' wit yo self sugah
Morph: Julian! **Morphs in to Julian and back** sorry you don't fit right
Tom: I'll have to take you back for alterations.
Prelate-Syphon: What Roguie no kiss on da check
Rogue: It's your funeral **kisses him nothing happens** Now only if I was
younger and wasn't married
Tom: And today, on "The Hitch-Hiker"...we peer into the twisted inner fantasies of one fanboy. Is it interesting in any way, shape or form?
Magneto: HEY!
Rogue: Jus' kiddin' sugah
Mike: I wouldn't touch this greasy little punk with a ten-foot pole.
The Prelates go back to the citadel told that they were at a Prelation
Reunion and Richards and Catalyst stayed with Prelate-Syphon and McCone
The team left Dark Beast, the Prelates, and Gambit left for Cincinnati
where
Geneti and Dark Star were
Mike: Yes, as the narrator, I have the amazing ability to skip through large parts of the plot with a single voice-over. Unfortunately, I can't simply skip over the entire story.
February 6, 1995
Int. Human Concentration camp
Gambit: where are dey Mes Amis
Prelate-Syphon: In da headmasters quarters Mon Ami
Catalyst: Oh great two Cajuns and me without my French dictionary
Tom: Big deal, it's not like any of them actually speak French.
Gambit: SHUT UP Mon Enimi
Tom: Well, it appears that Gambit doesn't speak French either.
Crow: No, he speaks it, he just can't spell it.
Geneti: Lookin' fer us ya bunch a .......BRADYS!!!!
Crow: No, we're the Jammers. You can tell because the youngest one doesn't have curls.
ALL: Huh!?
Dark Star: Like lookin' in da mirror eh Julian!
Mike: Well, except the mirror doesn't try to claw my eyes out and beat me senseless with a club.
Prelate-Syphon: Yep ya Grade X clone
Crow: Next, we'll be testing new MirrorClones (TM) against the old Grade X clones.
**Prelate-Richard Vaporizes Dark Star**
Tom: Ah, yes, and another example of the high tension and exciting drama of 'Jammers'.
Prelate-Syphon: Where he go
Prelate-Richards: He's in Limbo
Geneti: Well now that he gone I'm gone **diappeaes**
Gambit: Where he go Julian?
Crow: Excuse me? Do I look like his travel guide or something?
Prelate-Syphon: Limbo
Gambit: Oh I gotta go fare well my Nephew, Henri would be proud Mon Ami
Well, Bye Mes Amis.
Gambit leaves
They leave for the Sentinel
Mike: That's our cue, guys. Come on, we're ditching.
[Mike picks up Tom and all leave theater. Door sequence plays in reverse, leading out to SOL Bridge. Mike and the bots are sitting out there, chatting.]
Mike: So you say you actually had an evil twin, Crow?
Crow: Yep! He was Timmy, and he was everything I was, only more powerful. He webbed Tom to the wall, but Joel--um, that's the guy who was here before you--
Mike: Yes, I know. I've only had you mention him [brings up a small notepad from underneath the counter, opens it, makes a small check-mark, then puts it away again] 72,367 times.
Crow: Oh, OK. Anyways, Joel shot him into space and saved us all.
Tom: But I often wonder if he isn't out there...somewhere...waiting to get his dark vengeance upon all of us, and--
[Suddenly, there is a huge commotion. A single black claw bursts out of the little hatch thingie, causing Tom to flee in panic. Timmy crawls out of the hatch, one eye missing, his body rimed with frost, an expression of malevolence on his little bowling pin. Mike reaches for a weapon, when suddenly Crow vaporizes Timmy with a glare and one of those cheesy 1960's "Star Trek phaser" effects.]
Mike: My God, Crow! How did you--why did he--
Crow: Oh, I just used a little of the same energy that the people in today's experiment use to defeat incredibly powerful butt-kicking bad guys in two seconds flat. Of course, it only works on enemies you've been battling without success for two straight years, but since Timmy's been gone for awhile, I was able to tap into that power. And a lucky thing for us, too, huh, Tom?
Mike: Tom? [looks around] Tom, you can come out now.
Tom (off-screen, slightly muffled): Nope nope nope nope nope nope nope nope nope nope nope--
[lights, buzzers, sirens et al go off]
Mike: You've got to come out, we've got FANFIC SIGN!
[all exit theater amidst much hullaballoo]
[SOL Theater. Crow enters normally, Mike comes in slowly, as though heaving against some mighty weight. Finally, after much work, he brings Tom in and Tom's slinky hands snap back into position.]
Mike: Geez, Tom, how do you cling so well with non-functional hands? Tom: Trade secret.
February 7, 1995
Int. Sentinel#2 inside lounge
Sentinel#2: you return to Eurasia now Jammers
Prelate-Syphon: Yes.
Sentinal#2: Confirmed
They leave for the H.H.C.
February 9, 1995
Mike: It took them two days?
Int. H.H.C. Building
James Jammer: we are now all here 'cept we got Dark Beast and his
Prelates
Hott Jammer: We shall leave tonight
Plasma Jammer: We shall be victorious
Tom (in Dalek voice): WE SHALL EXTERMINATE THE LESSER RACES! EXTERMINATE! EXERMINATE!
They leave for the Citadel
February 11, 1995
Int. Apocalypse's Armageddon Hall
Dark Beast and Apocalypse talk briefly
Tom (in Valley Girl voice): So, I told him I wasn't going to go to the party, and so he said, Well, I'll just go with Cindi, then, and I could have just _died_!
Apocalypse: What do you want McCoy
Crow: I gave at the office. Dangit, Janice, I thought I told you to screen these people!
Dark Beast: En Sabah Nur we with for the whereabouts of a Mutant
named Aftermath.
Mike: Could you try saying that again in English, please?
Apocalypse: He is in what is left of Baton Rogue, Louisiana now leave
me I must find the location of the X-Men they are nothing but a
serious bother.
Crow (in Marvin the Martian voice): Oh, those dratted X-Men. They're just so pesky. I might have to get seriously vexed about them soon.
And on your way out tell Rex to send in
SugarMan and Quietus.
Dark Beast: Thank you my lord
He leaves
Int. Sentinel lounge
Dark Beast: He's in what is left of Louisiana
Catalyst: I have reconfigured the engine to run at 3,000 MPH
Crow: Of course, atmospheric friction will reduce us to a deep-fried crispy critter in seconds, but we'll get there really darned fast!
Dark Beast: Prelates and Jammers we shall leave for Baton Rogue
immediately
James Jammer: all right Jammers and Prelates Our hour of glory is almost
upon we must unite and destroy are enemy.
Plasma Jammer: Jammers I've trained you to be the greatest heroes the
world
has every seen well it seems there are better but today I want you to
prove
me wrong
Mike: That's right, I want you to _prove_ that you suck rocks!
If we win it'll prove to me that yer the best these is or was and
I'll be the happiest trainer in the world.
Tom: Y'know, I get the feeling that English isn't this guy's first language.
Catalyst: ETA 1 hour
1 hour later
Int. Baton Rogue Ruins Night
Crow: Extry, extry, read all about it! Baton-wielding Rogue ruins entire night! Millions stunned by shocking news!
Aftermath: Ah welcome to my paradise now DIE!
Mike: He's not exactly the most gracious of hosts, is he?
Crow: Well, last time they came, they used all the clean towels.
Dark Beast: My Prelates and I will not stand for such Chaos
James Jammer: My Jammers and I Will not Stand for the deeds done against
humanity.
Hott Jammers: Aftermath we meet again for the last time.
Vortex: You nearly killed me last time I won't give you a second chance.
Plasmonica: You kill my family, you hurt my friends, allow me to return
the favor.
Crow: Could you, um, just point out your family and friends to me?
Plasma Jammer: you kill my students, you drain half my powers, we've
avenged
the poor souls, now I shall regain the power you took from me.
Dark Beast: to quote Billie Joe Armstrong "I don't you but I think I hate
you"
Tom: To quote Kate Orman, "Individually, the above words mean something. But together..."
Aftermath: After two years it begins
Tom: This story's been going on for two years?
Mike: Yeah, but it seems like longer.
**a eerie glow emits from Aftermath They suddenly find themselves in
another
Dimention**
James Jammer: Where have you taken us
Tom (in Rod Serling voice): To another dimension. A dimension of sight...a dimension of sound...a dimension of mindlessness. You've now entered...the Boring Zone.
Aftermath: A place where if you win you go free, If I win I go free.
Prelate-Syphon: Death to all then eh? Mon Enimi
Aftermath: Yes you killed me last time I'm lucky Geneti was there to
revive
me. **Charges up an Omega Blast
Tom: Darkseid?
toward Prelate-Syphon his back is on fire**
Prelate-Syphon: Argh!!! **he heals up instantly and uses preabsorbed
powers
from Gambit. Jumps on Aftermath and charges his helmet it explodes and
takes
out his force field**
Crow: Not to mention his skull.
Aftermath: finally I didn't expect that
Crow: Nobody expects the Spanish Inquisition!
Hott Jammer: Well then congrats now take this **Flares Aftermath's
costume**
Mike: Oh, God, he's got bell-bottoms!
Plasmonica: Here let me put that out **Raises the plasma level
around Aftermath the fire blazes green**
Aftermath: Ahhhhhhh!!!! **Blasts of energy shoot every body**
Prelate-Richards: If I do this it should work
**Prelate-Richards and Aftermath glow Lightning surges between them**
Aftermath: (Panting) Is that the best you can do.
Apocalypse teleports in with Mikhail Rasputan.
Tom: Ah, it's the deus ex machina. You know, from the Greek, "Deus: Irritating" and "ex machina: plot contrivance"?
Apocalypse: McCoy I have come to help you with this monstrosity he
could destroy me
Mikhail: You Insidious creature you shall die by my hand
Crow: Better than dying by other parts of him...
Apocalypse: DIE! **rips Aftermath's armor off**
Mike: Oh, wonderful...death by pantsing.
Aftermath: Now all I have is spandex for clothing "sigh"
Mikhail: Take this **rips Aftermath's head off and eats it**
Mike: Apparently, Mikhail can unhinge his jaw.
Do what you want to the body.
Tom: OK, who else never wants to think about what that comment implies?
[Both raise their hands rapidly]
Vortex: Here! **opens a portal to limbo as Aftermath's head grows back**
Tom: His head does _what_?
Crow: So they just left him sitting by the portal?
James Jammer: It is done then
Tom: But--but his head grew back, and, and...
Mike: Shh! If they say the story's over, I'm not going to argue with them!
They teleport to the Citadel with the Sentinel
James Jammer: Thank you En Sabah Nur
Tom: For making us laugh at love...again.
Apocalypse: You are welcome now leave me I must retaliate
Crow: Against who? The dead guy?
They leave for the Sentinel
February 12, 1995
Sentinel#1: We return now
Prelate-Syphon: Yes
Sentinel#1: Confirmed
James Jammer: Julian what are you and Heather gonna do
Tom: Whatcha gonna do when they come for you?
Prelate-McCone: join the Prelates
Prelate-Syphon: I sorry Mon Ami It somthin' I gotta do
James Jammer: I know Julian, I just hope you know what your doing
Crow: Hah! Faint hope, there.
Prelate-Syphon: Course Mon Ami
Dark Beast: Prelate-Syphon I have finished the dimensional portal
generator
It's now implanted in Catalyst.
Tom: Sure, I had to remove a lung to make room for the battery, but he really doesn't seem to mind!
Prelate-Syphon: Good we go some where den eh?
Mike: Yes, Sherlock, we go somewhere.
Dark Beast: Yes probably to Parias world after a quick stop in a
dimensional
storage center
Crow: Let's see, we need eggs, milk--do we have any peanut butter left?
Prelate-Syphon: Sure Mon Ami
Prelate-Syphon goes to see the Jammers
Hott Jammer: so Julian what you donin' about the team
Prelate-Syphon: Me an' Heather are joinin' da Prelates bye Mes Amis
The Prelates and Dark Beast teleport out to a dimensional store room
Crow: Woooooo hoo! Party on, guys! They're gone!
February 13, 1995
Int. H.H.C.
Moira Trask: He left with the Prelates did he.
James Jammer: yes ma'am
Bolivar Trask: well thanks fer the help
Vortex: **opens a vortex to their world** Well we gotta go
They say their good-bye and jump through
Tom: Great...it's 'Sliders' meets 'X-Men'.
October 9, 1996
Int. Jammer Base
James Jammer: He's gone
Hott Jammer: Yep I'm Gonna miss the Cajun (imitating Julian) "Hey Mes
Amis
look at da TV Tommy Boy is on" God I'm gonna miss that.
Mike: I'm seriously into masochism.
Vortex: hey what's this **points at TV**
Crow: It's a television set. You know, the magic demons that move in the glass box--didn't we go over this already?
Plasmonica: It's Julian
Crow: But why is he wearing a bikini?
Trish Tilby: (on TV) A group of mutants today sabotaged the
Russian Space Station MIR as seen here in this file footage
Prelate-Syphon appears
Plasma Jammer: Your evil!?
Prelate-Syphon: Yeah we still friends Mes Amis
James Jammer: Always
Mike: Sure, you're a psychopathic villain...but why does that mean we can't be friends?
Prelate-Syphon: Now den Mes Amis I on vacation let's macarena!
Hott Jammer: Oh No, I take that back, this is punishment for something
isn't
it?
Prelate-Syphon: Yep **turns on the Macarena**
THE END
Mike: Quick, guys, let's make a run for it! [He picks up Tom and they all leave the theatre at a very rapid pace. Door sequence plays in reverse, and...]
[SOL Bridge. Mike and the bots are huddled together, sobbing.]
Crow: And--and then they started doing the macarena...
Tom: Yes, Crow, let it all out, don't hold back...
Crow: It was just so bad...even if it was a non-English speaker, which is entirely possible given the utter lack of anything approaching a grasp of the English language, the plot was still so horribly constructed, and the pacing was abyssmal, and that characters were nothing but a collection of random 'super-hero sounding names', and...and...and...
Mike: And let's not forget Dark Beast, the malevolent genius who sounds like he's been stricken with Tourette's Syndrome.
Tom: Yep, guys, this has undoubtedly been the worst story, movie, or what-have-you we have ever done. I just thank God it's over, huh?
Mike: Amen to that. Oh, hey, the mads are calling.
[Presses flashing red light.]
[Deep 13. Dr. F is standing there with a malevolent leer on his face, rubbing his hands together and cackling madly. In the background, there is now a sheet over TV's Frank and the bed he was lying on.]
Dr. F: Oh....muahahahahaha...oh, this is just too perfect...heeheeheeheehee... there's...heheheheheheheh...there's MORE OF THE FANFIC!
[SOL Bridge]
All: WHAT!?!?!?!?!?!?!
[Deep 13]
Dr. F: Yes, my little toerags, more! You've thrilled to the story, now prepare for the...CHARACTER PROFILES! [He pulls a big lever that has never been there before, and never will be again.]
[SOL Bridge. Lights are flashing, sirens are sounding...]
Mike: Forget it, I'm not moving.
Tom: But--but Mike, we've got to!
Mike: And wind up seeing more of that? No thanks, amigo. I'll just stay out here, and pretend it's not happening.
Crow: We can't do that, Mike!
Mike: Why not?
Tom: Well, think of the precedent it'd set! I mean, if we don't do this fanfic, what's to stop us from not doing the next, or the next, or the next? And then...
Mike: Yeah? Come up with a single downside to this.
Crow: If we don't keep giving Dr. Forrester data, he'll lose funding, be forced to stop his experiments, and he'll cut off your oxygen.
Mike: Come on, guys, we've got FANFIC SIGN!!!!!!!!!!!
[All run into theater amidst much hullaballoo]
Mike: OK, guys, buck up, we can get through this...
Dark Beast and the Prelate-Syphon and McCone's Stats
__________________________________________________________
___________________
Dark Beast
Biographical Data
Real Name: Henry "Hank" McCoy
Other Current Aliases: Master Patch
Dual Identity: Public
Current Occupation: Leader of the Brotherhood of Evil Mutants
Former Occupation: Genetic Engineer
Legal Status: Crimes against humanity
Tom: Yes, he is a crime against humanity.
Place of Birth: Unknown
Martial Status: single
Known Relatives: none
Known Confidants: Prelate-Syphon, Prelate-McCone
Known Allies: Sugar Man
Major Enemies: Apocalypse, Holocaust, Sinister
Usual Base of Operations: The Lab
Former Bases of Operation: The Citadel
Crow: Beast is seriously into that whole 'generic building' thing, isn't he?
Current Group Membership: Brotherhood of Evil Mutants
Former Group Membership: Factor-X
Extent of Education: Masters
Tom: Their chief genetic engineer doesn't even have a PhD? Scary.
Physical Description
Height: 6'2
Weight: 225 lbs.
Hair: Blue or Grey (depending on certain factors)
Crow: The cost of full-body dye treatments, for example.
Other Distinguishing Marks: Blue or Grey Fur, 2 Earrings in the right ear
Mike: Now was it the right ear meant you were....you know?
Powers and Abilities Note scale is 1-7
Intelligence: Omniscient 7
Tom: Yes, he's omniscient, but has only a minimal command of the English language.
Mike: Well, that's what happens when you have a character smarter than the writer.
Tom: Field mice are smarter than this writer.
Strength: Mutant Strength 5
Speed: Marathon Runner 3
Endurance: 9 miles running 5
Durability: Heavy Weight Champion 5
Agility: Mutant Agility 6
Reflexes: Mutant Reflexes 6
Fighting Skills: Excellent in pummeling techniques
Special skills and abilities: His genetic mastery is stifling
Mike: Um, yeah, sure. Crow: Help! Help! I'm being smothered by the genetic mastery!
Superhuman Abilities: Agility- A talented acrobat, Dexterity-hands and
feet can grip almost anything, Strength-well above normal
Origin of Super Powers: Mutation and Experimental Serum (Fur)
Mike: He got his powers from fur?
Paraphernalia
Costume specifications: Synthetic stretchable Titanium pants
Crow: OK, I don't think we need to hear any more on this subject...
with
Connected titanium boots
Personal weaponry: Plasma Assault Rifle, Plasma Gun
Special weaponry: None
Other Accessories: None
Transportation: nothing permanent
Tom: Dark Beast, inventor of the disposable car!
Design and Manufacture or Paraphernalia: (Pants) Sinister (Design)
Prelate-McCone (Manufacturing)
Quotes about multiple topics
On about Genetic manipulation,
My task is to Genetically Amplify the powers of Homo Superior deemed
unfit for the cause....And I do love my Work. Certainly, I'm well
Compensated for my labors but just between you and
me......I'd do this for free
On being cheated at poker,
Lady and Gentlemen, We've been snookered, Duped, Bamboozled, we've had
the wool pulled over our eyes...we've been hooked, lined, sunk, and
otherwise Mutilated by one of our own. In the Parlance of the game..
We've been Hustled!
Favorite good-bye line to someone about to die,
Indeed...To a land of dreams and schemes! Ta-ta twinkle toes,
Give my Regards to Ragnarok!
About his former job and Cyclops of AOA
The Prisoners... They Rebelled I thought I was the God-King of their world...
But I was Blinded by Pride and in the land of the blind...The one eyed man is
King!
Crow: Whew...a few shining moments of decent writing!
Tom: Yeah, but now we have to go back to this stuff.
[Crow sobs]
__________________________________________________________
____________________
Prelate-Syphon
Biographical Data
Real Name: Julian LeBeau
Other Current Aliases: Syphon
Dual Identity: Secret
Mike (singing): You'll never guess My Secret Identity...who's on the inside...hiding out...[both bots look over at Mike, then edge away a little]
Current Occupation: Prelation
Former Occupation: Thief
Legal Status: Thievery, Crimes against humanity
Place of Birth: New Orleans, Louisiana
Martial Status: Single
Known Relatives: Remy LeBeau (Uncle) Henri LeBeau (Father)
Known Confidants: Prelate-McCone, James Jammer, Dark Beast, Vortex
Known Allies: The Jammers (former)
Major Enemies: Aftermath, Dark Star, Geneti
Usual Base of Operations: The Lab
Former Bases of Operation: The Jammer Base
Current Group Membership: Brotherhood of Evil Mutants
Former Group Memberships: The Jammers, Night Enforcers
Crow: Night Enforcers? How do you enforce the night, exactly? "Hey! You! Sun! You're not supposed to be coming up yet! Who says? We do...the Night Enforcers!"
Extent of Education: High School Junior (tutored by Dark Beast)
Tom: Ah, so Dark Beast taught him everything he knew.
Physical Description
Height: 6'2
Weight: 175 lbs.
Hair: Brown
Other Distinguishing Marks: 1 Earring the Left ear, Black stripe tattoo over
left eye
Powers and Abilities Note scale is 1-7
Intelligence: Straight-A Student 3
Strength: Athletic 3
Speed: Athlete 3
Endurance: 2 miles running 3
Durability: Invulnerable 7
Agility: circus Acrobat 3
Reflexes: Superhuman 4
Fighting Skills: Excellent in hand-to-hand combatant, utilizing
streetfighting techniques and acrobatics
Special skills and abilities: Bilingual in French and English
Superhuman Abilities: Able to steal knowledge, powers, energy. Increased
Pheromones and a internal and external force healing factor
Origin of Super Powers: Mutation and Genetic Engineering
Paraphernalia
Costume specifications: Black Synthetic Titanium Stretchable body suit
with
Black Beret
Crow: Once again, we see Dark Beast's penchant for outfitting teenage boys in skintight black outfits...
Personal weaponry: Plasma Gun
Special weaponry: None
Other Accessories: None
Transportation: nothing permanent
Design and Manufacture or Paraphernalia: (Suit) Catalyst (Design)
Prelate McCone (Manufacturing)
Quotes on Multiple topics
On girls
Dey nice, dey can be mean Mon Ami, but dey sure are fun
Mike: Boy, bet Confucious was sorry he missed that one, huh?
On playin poker with Catalyst
Been playin' da game Friday nights since I was 7 and finally some
challenge
Tom: That is just so dysfunctional it's scary.
On eating during class
If I gotta sit here an' be bored I ain't gonna do it on a empty stomach
__________________________________________________________
____________________
Prelate-McCone
Biographical Data
Real Name: Heather McCone
Other Current Aliases: Gothic
Dual Identity: Secret
Current Occupation: Prelation
Former Occupation: Jammer
Legal Status: Crimes against humanity
Place of Birth: Salem Center, New York
Martial Status: Single
Known Relatives: None Known
Known Confidants: Prelate-Syphon, Dark Beast, Plasmonica
Known Allies: Jammers (former)
Major Enemies: None Known
Usual Base of Operations: The Lab
Former Bases of Operation: Jammer Base
Current Group Membership: The Brotherhood of Evil Mutants
Former Group Memberships: Jammers
Extent of Education: Height School Junior (tutored by Dark Beast)
Tom: What do you learn at 'Height School', exactly?
Mike: Posture tips, I think.
Physical Description
Height: 5'6
Tom: But it was only 5'3" before she went to Height School.
Weight: 105 lbs.
Hair: Red
Other Distinguishing Marks: tattoo of a back wards C over left eye
Powers and Abilities Note scale is 1-7
Intelligence: Straight-A Student 3
Strength: Athlete
Speed: Normal Human 2
Endurance: Normal Human 2
Durability: Athlete 3
Agility: Catlike Agility 5
Reflexes: Athlete 3
Fighting Skills: Steetfighting
Special skills and abilities: costume manufacturing
Superhuman Abilities: metal manipulation (rarely used because of it's
considered
useless except for costumes)
Crow: Yeah, Magneto's nothing more than a glorified fashion designer.
Plasma bursts and Healing factor
Origin of Super Powers: Mutation and Genetic Engineering
Paraphernalia
Costume specifications: Black Synthetic Titanium Stretchable body suit
with
Black Beret
Personal weaponry: Plasma Gun
Special weaponry: None
Other Accessories: None
Transportation: Nothing Permanent
Design and Manufacture or Paraphernalia: (suit and beret) Catalyst (Design)
Prelate-McCone (Manufacturing)
Quotes on Multiple topics
On Prelate-Syphon
He's cute, handsome, and full of it
Tom: On that, we agree.
On school
Help please someone I gonna go crazy if I hear one more thing about
Trigonometry
On guys
If only McCoy would alter them to become our slaves
Tom: So all in all, the story is about a bunch of teenagers into S&M, lots of introductions, and a main character who thinks "Tommy Boy" is fine art?
Mike: Yep...pretty much.
Crow: Let's get out of here before I vomit.
[All exit theater. Door sequence plays in reverse, and...]
[SOL Bridge. Mike is standing there wearing boxing gloves, trunks, and a satin robe. His arms are up in that whole 'Rocky' victory pose, and the bots are standing next to him, cheering him on.]
Mike (in Stallone voice): Uh, yo, I'd just like to thank my bots here, for giving me the support I needed to defeat this story. And now, I'd like to read a letter. [Reaches for envelope lying on counter.] (in normal voice) Oh, shoot...can't grip it with these gloves on. One of you guys wanna grab it?
Crow: Us?
Tom (wiggling arms helplessly): As in Crow or myself?
Mike: Well, maybe Gypsy...oh, forget it. [Red light starts flashing] Look, the mads are calling. [Taps light with boxing glove.] Yes, sirs?
[Deep 13]
Dr. F: Oh, you think you've won, Smedley, but you haven't seen anything yet...I'll dig deeper, I'll find worse stories...
[Frank walks on. The bed still has a figure in it with a sheet draped over said figure.]
Frank: And I'll be with you every step of the way, Steve.
Dr. F: Oh, great, Frank...listen, why don't you--[looks at Frank, then over at the bed...] Um...[looks at Frank and the bed again]...why don't you push the button, Frank? I have something I need to check out.
[Dr. F walks over to the bed and begins to lift the sheet as Frank pushes the button.]
Pwoosh!
Dr. F: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRGH!
Jammers was MiSTed by John "Omega" Seavey. All of the riffs, gags, and host segments were created by him. [loud screams and crunching noises are heard] However, the characters and settings of Mystery Science Theater 3000 are the creation of Best Brains, Inc., who are very cool and understanding about the whole thing, and who hopefully have no intention of suing. [Frank is shouting, "My God, no!"] The original story being MiSTed is by Prelate-Syphon, whoever he is in real life; no actual hatred is meant for him by this admittedly harsh MiSTing--it's all in good fun, although in all seriousness, don't give up your day job just yet. [A gurgling death rattle can be heard.] Filmed in Shadowramma, keep circulating the tapes, thanks to the Teachers of America (especially my dad). [A final shriek is cut off abruptly by a hissing growl.]
Hott Jammer: Yep I'm Gonna miss the Cajun (imitating Julian) "Hey Mes Amis look at da TV Tommy Boy is on" God I'm gonna miss that.