Green Smegs And Hama
Original by Larry Hama
MiSTing by Maggie The Cat
Well, here we are again. I received some kind praise for my first piece of "I Hate Hama" fanfic, so I thought I'd provide a follow-up as hinted in the story. Actually, I got some help from my sister on this one--her abhorrence is so strong she was going mental with snarky comments.
Disclaimer: As you well know, these characters belong to Marvel and are being used without their permission; however, I'm not seeing one goddamn red cent for it so it's no use sueing me. There's some coarse language in here and a few sexual innuendos here and there...oh, come on, they're teenagers! It has to be expected! Just like last time, ">" precedes a reiteration of events in the book. It helps to have a copy on-hand.
"Ye've got no compassion, have yeh, Emma?"
Emma Frost gave Sean a flat, cool stare in response. "It has to be done," she said evenly. "Even if it brings pain to some of us."
"Miss Frost, don't make us do this." Paige looked pleadingly at their headmistress, clasping her hands. The other students ranged behind her, trying out their best puppydog looks. "You don't know how horrible it is for us...."
"Don't know?"
"Now ye've done it, lass," Sean winced, tugging Paige back protectively and ushering the students to a safe distance.
"Don't KNOW?"
Emma's telepathic shriek split into the others' brains, driving them to clutch their heads in pain. The White Queen loomed over them as they cringed, trying to think straight again.
"Have you seen," she hissed, "the outfit they've got me in?!?!"
> (1)The White Queen descends the stairs while a limerick fills the
>exposition bubbles above.
"I look like I belong in a Def Leppard video!" Emma moaned, shielding her eyes.
"'By no me-eens ti-mid with-drawn'...." Everett shook his head. "This limerick doesn't even have the right rhythm."
"Rhythm, huh?" Angelo tried to make sense of what Ev was getting at, then shrugged dismissively. "Well, y'know what they say 'bout black guys...."
"Yeahhhhh," Jubilee leered. They all stared at her.
"That they all got rhythm, Jubes," Angelo poked her. "Pervert."
> (2&3)The White Queen knocks Banshee down.
"Ka-THWAK!" Jubilee screeched, stage-punching Jono in the head. He reeled and fake-kicked her midsection.
::POW! WHAMMO!::
Everett chuckled and deepened his voice. "Will Paff-Man fall victim to the evil No-Face? Tune in next week to find out!"
Jubilee pouted. "Paff-Man?"
"Well, it fit better."
"No offence, Seņor Cassidy, but you must be one colossal wussy girly sissy la-la for Miss Frost t'knock you off your feet like that."
"None taken, lad. An' I hope yeh won't take it personally when I fail you in Biochemistry."
> (4) Banshee: I brought some nice scones and digestive biscuits from the
>duty-free!
::Digestive bikkies?:: Jono's disgust was clear over his telepathic 'voice'. :Where's the good loot, like Tunnock's Wafers and shortbread?:
"Who wants cookies an' bread anyway?" Angelo scoffed. "He shoulda brought some'a that Scotch whiskey if he wanted a good homecoming."
> Page (6), where there's a nifty tilted panel.
The Gen-Xers all leaned slightly to the left and stared at the page.
"Look at that great perspective work," Paige pointed to Synch, Chamber and Penance coming down the stairs. "I didn't know Harris apprenticed under Rob Liefeld!"
"Liefeld?" Everett looked up. "Where's the pinheads, then? And the expressionless faces, and the spastic dancing postures?"
"Can we please remain focussed on the task at hand, children?" Emma cut in. "We can make fun of old issues of X-Force later."
"Damn straight," Jubilee said.
> (7)Husk: Here are Jono's CDs, and Ev's money and Emma's jewels.
> Emma begins draping her jewelry on herself.
Emma smoothed her hair, annoyed. "I suppose this means I've suffered the same ignorance of safety deposit boxes that Everett apparently has," she sniped.
Monet came over and glanced at the book before shrugging and returning to the sofa. "Considering the obvious costume jewelry quality of your necklace, I doubt the oversight would matter much--financially or aesthetically."
Emma's glare was blocked by the copy of Ivanhoe that Monet went back to reading.
> (10) Banshee: Aw, they're like wee angels, sleepin' the untrammeled
>sleep o'the innocent....
Jono leapt in front of the others, clutching one hand dramatically to his 'chest' and assuming the air of an overdramatic poet.
::...Even though they're wee demons, sleepin' the completely fucked-up sleep o'the thrice-damned....::
"Starsmore!" Emma frowned. "Watch your language!"
::Don't cross me when I'm composing--I'm a poet, like. I've got license wiv the Queen's.::
"And if you care to end up like Lord Byron, you'll keep speaking that way to me."
Jono sat down. ::I'll be good.::
> Banshee: Moira said in all her years o'research, she's never
> seen a physiological phenomenon like this.
Everett scratched his head. "Isn't it kinda weird that she can't even take a guess, considering she's seen Proteus the energy vampire--"
"--The Legacy Virus--" Paige chimed in.
"--That loco X-Cutioner's Song technovirus--"
::--Don't ferget that massive Piecemeal bloke--::
"Ahab!" M sang from her book.
"An' the best of all, her Chia Pet Magneto! Jest add Shi'ar energy ray an' watchim grow!"
> (11) Skin gets a phone call from darling Miss Authier; he pretends
> it's a phone company and then promptly drags Husk and Jubilee out.
"Whoa, slick move there, Barrio Boy," Jubilee laughed. "Way to avert suspicion!"
Angelo grinned. "Who's suspicious? It is 'our pal, Tracy Authier'...."
> Jubilee:Exactly what's the real importance of Angelo's cigar
> box and Paige's calculus textbook?
"Exactly why'm I talkin' about you guys in the third person when you're standin' right in fronta me?"
M smiled. "Can we say, "Lack of panel storytelling ability?""
::Better'n we can say "Believable storyline by talented non-mentally deficient writer", luv.::
> (12) Tracy comes driving up on a scooter *snort* and is so
> in-your-face, you just gotta love her! While she's
> revealing the BIG SECRETS, she holds out Husk's journal and
> Skin's gun in front of her.
Angelo dropped his head into his hands, moaning. "Dios! Why don't we just fucking grab our stuff, knock the little bitch down an' steal her scooter?"
> Jubilee:There was a diary inside the calculus textbook and a
> gun inside the cigar box?
Jubilee, snorted, pulling on her bubblegum. "Because, Ange, dontchaknow, we're too busy statin' the obvious."
"And what's with mah diary?" Paige was so annoyed that she didn't even bother to modify her accent. "Who in the world would write across the cover in huge block letters, "Mah Journal by Paige Guthrie"? It's not a novel, fer Goshsakes!"
"Watch it, chiquita. You're draggin' out th' heavy profanity now."
> (14)Once again, I will avoid touching the subject of Chimera.
> We will instead pick up on page (15), where Tracy
> tries to blackmail the GenX kids.
> Tracy: According to this, some of the teachers...are ex-thieves,
> world class criminals and fugitives from international justice!
"That's completely not true!" Everett was indignant. "None of our teachers are politicians or lawyers!"
::Ba-dum-pum-CHING!::
> (16)HUGE picture of Wolverine wearing THE hat,carrying cans of beer and
smoking; Jubilee starts yapping and whining about how wonderful he is.
Jubilee suddenly turned a funny shade of pink and started edging away from the rest of the group.
"Uhhh...I gotta go to the can," she said.
M looked up, a slight smile curving her perfect lips. "Surely you aren't embarassed about your love for Logan, Jubilee?"
"No! I love'im! It's just...."
The others waited while she scuffed her foot, hanging her head. When she finally looked up, her face was flaming.
"Man, I don't want you guys gettin' any ideas, that's all! I mean, I kiss Wolvie's ass so much, people're startin' ta think I do...other...stuff for him too!!! WAHHHHH!!!!"
She threw herself on Ev, who patted her back, pressing his cheek against her soft black hair.
::They're dead wrong, luv, we all know that,:: Jono consoled her. ::Besides, you're not the only one. You should see some've the radge stories about us guys.::
The three boys shuddered simultaneously.
> (19)Jubilee: He had run ten miles through the dark to find
> me with only my scent to lead him....
Jubilee buried her nose in Everett's shoulder. "Jeez! Not only am I a suck-up wannabe loser, but I stink too!"
> Jubilee:...but he kept right on coming--
Angelo, leering, opened his mouth, but was beaten down by Paige before he had the chance to say anything.
> Jubilee:--he NEVER gives up, you see. Not even when one of
> the baddest dudes of all time hurt him so horribly that we
> all thought he was never going to be the same again!
"The thought occurs," Monet said, "that if we were not conveniently provided with a picture of Monsieur Logan having his adamantium pulled out, we would be at a loss as to which horribly traumatizing event Jubilee is referring to."
"There are quite a few, aren't they?" Sean agreed. "Well, he's the best there is at what he does."
Jono pitched an eyebrow. ::Sure as hell ain't staying in his own bloody book, is it?::
> (20)Jubilee:He's the best friend I ever had in the whole world...
The GenX kids, looking hurt, simultaneously chorused, "Thanks!!!"
Jubilee shrugged, regaining some of her usual spirit now that her embarassing moment was drawing to a close. "Ahhhh, you guys know I love ya," she said casually, grinning. "An' whod'ya believe--me or Hama?"
"Ya hafta ask?" Paige rumpled Jubilee's hair.
> Tracy gives Jubilee back the hat in a poignant moment.
"Lookathat!" Jubilee screeched indignantly. "I'm a full foot taller than her! And I'm bowing down to her like she's...she's...."
::Wolverine?::
Jubilee glared at Jono while the others snickered.
> (21)Beginning of Skin's story.
::Look who's up next, mate.::
"Don't remind me. I look like a goddamn chimpanzee! I couldn't be any fuckin' uglier if you painted "UGLY" on my ass an' kicked me around th'block!"
"I want you kids to know," Sean said gravely, "that th'only reason I'm overlookin' yer cussin' is because I tend t'agree with yeh."
> Skin: I wish I'd never seen that bad crank.
A communal "Whaaat?" rose from all those assembled.
::Last I heard, 'crank' was another name for speed.::
"Not to mention Hama's slightly shaky sentence structure," Monet pointed out, smoothing her hair.
"'It was the first time that I had never had before'...?" Paige muttered to herself. Everett pushed her lightly to snap her out of it.
"Hey! Don't give the Marvel editors any ideas! We don't want to end up with Andrew Vincent writing us!"
> Skin:I was just doin' the hangs with my homies on the block-
Jubilee laughed loudly. "Kewl! The barrio version of the 'New Kids on the Block'! Which one're you, Ange--Danny?"
"Tha' would explain why I look like a monkey," Angelo sighed.
> Skin:--when TORES rolls up...with Big Bad Lupo in the back.
"'Big Bad Lupo'? Did you have a nifty gang name too?" Paige elbowed her friend, who grunted.
"Yeah, sure. 'S comin' up next," he said.
> Tores: Yo, Angelito!
Chortles and guffaws erupted all around; even Angelo couldn't help but crack a smile at the absurdity.
"Great way to go incognito, Ange," Jubilee burbled.
Emma pursed her lips to keep from smiling any wider than was decorous. "Yes," she said sweetly, "it's almost as useful a pseudonym as 'Jean Grey'."
> The gangstas do a hit on the Figueroa Street Boys in which
> Skin stars as a mealy-mouthed spineless dork. Then he
> explains why the gun is important to him to Tracy.
> Skin: It's a piece of junk that I keep to remind myself
> where I come from. Comprende?
"'Cause sometimes," Angelo began, his voice crawling with sarcasm, "I look at myself in th'mirror, listen t'the way I talk, ponder my name, and wonder--am I really a middle-class gringo with blond hair from Scotland?"
Everett patted him on the back. "And then you look at the gun, and it allll comes back to you. Good job, man."
::An' just look wot the next bit've sunshine is, Paigey.::
"Ah wouldn't mock, hon. You haven't seen it yet."
> (23) Paige's story begins; Tracy dismisses all the mutant stuff as
>fantasy.
> Tracy: Things can't be THAT dull at that musty old school that you have
> to make up such lurid malarkey!
"'Lurid ma'-whah-who?" Jubilee was puzzled.
"'Malarkey', lass. It means 'nonsensical talk',"
"Yeah, Jubes," Everett nudged her. "You're falling behind on the hip slang of the day!"
Angelo grinned. "You whippersnappers with your cockamamie tomfoolery and dag-blasted shenanigans!"
"Hornswaggling gonzos!" Paige added.
::A-hoyhoy, Smithers!::
> Tracy: Now THIS part is REALLY HOT! Makes me wanna meet this JONO hunk!
> Skin: Read ON, girl.
"Go on, girl!" Jubilee pumped her fist in the dated Arsenio Hall fashion.
::Why're you so innerested in wot Paige's got to say about
me, Ange?::
"Beats me, ese. I could pretty much recite it all anyway."
"You could NOT!" Paige bristled.
Angelo pitched his voice into a silly falsetto. "Ah luvvv Jono so
much, it maykes mah heart beat just as fast as if ah wuz liftin' bales
o'hay back in Kentucky!"
Monet giggled and put down her book. She duplicated Paige's muffled accent perfectly. "His voice makes me feel as if ah just churned a month's worth'a buttah in fifteen minutes!"
"All right, children," Emma admonished. "That's enough picking on Miss Guthrie. Hama is giving her enough humiliation at the moment."
> While Tracy reads the deeply stupid and embarassing journal entry, a
> representation of pre-accident Chamber accompanies it.
Jono blinked, staring at the picture.
::Shite.::
"Dude, ya look like a long-lost member of N-Sync," Jubilee piped up sympathetically.
::I look like a soddin' poofter, that's wot.::
"Well," Angelo snickered, "at least you're givin' little Tracy Authier there a wet dream."
"Gawd, Ange, you are so nasty!"
> (27)Tracy tells them that if they don't let her into the Academy and
> help her with some problem of hers, she'll tell Jono about the journal.
"So, let me get this straight," Sean said. "This girl knows about what goes on up here--"
"Uh-huh," the kids chorused dully.
"--but she disnae believe it."
"Uh-uh."
"Wha' she does believe is that Harlequin trash in the diary--"
"Uh-huh."
"--which is only any good for embarassin' Paige." Sean scratched his chin, perturbed. "Remind me what blackmail material she's got on yez?"
"NOTHING!" Jubilee yelled. "We got our stuff back and all the little tramp's got to show fer it is a stupid copy of Paige's lame-ass diary!"
"My head hurts," Angelo moaned.
> (28) Synch and Chamber are cleaning up the medlab when Chimera *bleagh*
> starts melting through the wall with her two lackeys.
> Synch: Guess I shouldn't have scarfed up that fuzzy green tuna salad
> from the fridge--
"Now, that's just wrong," Everett protested.
Jubilee made a face. "Maybe Hama mixed you up with Grunge, Ev."
They all grimaced at the thought.
> Chamber: You're not seeing things, Ev--the blinkin' wall is doing the
> Bristol Stomp!
"Ah," Monet intoned, "a soupcon of colorful British slang to remind us all where Jonothon hails from."
"Ya, well, I wouldn't talk, Frenchie." Jubilee sent a teeny paff over Monet's way to emphasize her point.
Jono shook his head. ::'Bristol Stomp', me arse.::
"Amigo, it's gotta be better'n the 'South Central Curb-Stomp'."
> (29) Chamber: I'll take care o'this one, PENANCE--you deal with the
> other!
Sean cleared his throat. "I'd like t'take this moment t'point out that we must never delegate responsibility during a fight t'the least experienced teammate."
"They know that, Sean." Emma sounded exasperated.
"What am I doing, anyway?" Ev wondered.
> Suddenly and for no apparent reason other than Hama-driven contrivance,
> Chimera's wraiths have captured Synch and threaten to break his neck.
"Ah, I see. I'm being completely useless and a liability to the team. Well, glad that's cleared up."
> (31)The M twins awaken and take stock of events as Emplate arrives.
> M&M: Poor Marius. He looks so...horrible, so angry, and sad at the same
> time.
"Faulty parallelism," Monet noted. "It should read, 'so horrible, so angry, yet so sad.' Proletariat."
"This grammatical preoccupation wouldn't be a means of drawing attention away from Hama's portrayal of you, would it, Monet?" Emma smiled slightly.
Monet declined to answer.
> M *ugh* merges with Emplate *gag* to form...*hack hack* M-Plate.
> Chamber: Gor!
::Y'don't suppose Hama meant 'Cor', d'you?::
"He may have, lad. It's difficult t'tell."
::Bollocks--he makes me sound like a Baker Street Irregular. 'Cor, guv'nor! Black yer boots for yeh? Oi'm bleedin' skint!' Smeggin' bastard!::
"Uhhhh," Jubilee cleared her throat. "Should we even touch the subject of Penny talkin'?"
"No," Paige shook her head. "Marvel's already handed out excuses for that gaffe."
Angelo grunted. "They should hand out friggin' barf bags with their comics."
"You know," Emma said conversationally, "despite my...likeness plastered on the cover of this tripe, I was really hardly in the story at all."
"You complaining, Frosty?"
"Heavens, no, child. Counting my blessings."
::Look at that cover. I look like someone's stuffed me mouth full've leaves!::
"At least your eyes ain't a buncha sideways commas," Jubilee said.
"You guys like my hair?" Angelo simpered. "I spent half an hour twirlin' that bit in front." He smacked his forehead in disgust. "Murrda!"
"Ah look like someone sucked mah brain out with a straw," Paige remarked, frowning at her blank-eyed stare. "Ah must be the resident bimbo or something."
"All right, that's enough of this garbage." Sean ripped the comic from Paige's grasp and marched in to the kitchen. The rest of GenX followed.
They all watched in reverent silence as the garbage disposal chewed up the book into pulpy, stinking bits of paper, grinding to a halt when the comic was no more.
"Amen," Sean said.
--oOo--
So there we go. Feel free to rip further issues into shreds yourselves--think of it as a fanfic challenge, if you like. In fact, I highly recommend it. Less trouble than therapy and twice as tasty!
I lifted a line from Kielle's X-MST, I must admit--that classic "It was the first time that I had never had before." It was just too perfect. So I guess I owe thanks to Andrew Vincent as well.
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