> First our Standard Disclaimer: SWISH the doors opened into the Captain's
ready room. "Yes
> Wesley?" Picard's voice barely covered his dislikeof
being interrupted in his relaxing mid-
> afternoon cup of tea. "Doyou have something to tell me?"
> "Uh...uh...yes sir!" Picard sighed inwardly -- had he ever been so annoyingly
awkward? "What
> is it, Ensign?" "I have to tell you that Sc...Scott, Jean, Gambit and
the other X-Men belong to > Marvel. Sir!"
CROW: <gasp> No, really?! I thought they belonged to DC!
> Wesley added respectfully. Picard just stared.
> The IDIOTS
SERVO: Keep writing pieces of trash like THIS.
> they are letting ontostarships these days.
MIKE: And they’re letting ANYONE forget to add spaces in between words!
> He sighed patiently. "Anything else?" "Ummm...yes sir -- Kermit and Miss Piggy and > theMuppets belong to Jim Henson's Prod., and us to Paramount."
SERVO: Are you KIDDING me? A Muppets/X-Men crossover?
MIKE: Weren’t you listening to Pearl?
SERVO: Yeah, but I didn’t think she was serious!
> "I see. In your opinion, Mr. Crusher -- is this informationcrucial to the survival of this ship?"
CROW: I somehow doubt it.
> "Uh -- I don't know, sir." "I didn't think so. Now are you finished?" "Oh -- one more thing. We > aren't making any moneywith this."
SERVO: Thank God! Anyone who’d PAY for this should be shot!
> Picard thought that this was conclusive evidence that oneof them was losing it. "Mr. Crusher -- > are you or are you notaware that money does not exist in the 24th century?"
MIKE: Oh, yeah, then how do you buy new underwear, buddy?
SERVO: He doesn’t.
CROW: So THAT’S what I’m smelling.
> "Yes sir, I know." The Captain just glared at him, causing Wesley to shiftuncomfortable and > wonder why these little chats with the Captainnever seem to go well.
CROW: Maybe it’s because SOMEBODY didn’t proofread…
> "Wesley?"
> "Yes, Captain?"
"GET OUT!"
SERVO: At least SOMEONE in this fanfic has common sense.
> ************************
CROW: I thought this was a fanfic and not a planetarium?
SERVO: Whatever keeps me distracted from the story is good enough for me!
> X-Men / Muppets
SERVO: Be ready for a looooong, painful ride…
MIKE: It’s ALREADY been a long painful ride.
> "Oh, where are they? They're late!"
MIKE: I would be, too, if I had to star in this.
CROW: Geez, the X-Men must really need to boost sales.
SERVO: Crow, if the X-Men needed a sales boost they wouldn’t appear on the *Muppets!*
> "Calm down, Kermit -- they said they'd be here."
CROW: [[As Gonzo]] Has Hell frozen over yet?
SERVO: [[As Kermit]] Nope, don’t think so.
CROW: [[Gonzo]] Damn! They aren’t coming, then.
> "But Gonzo, the curtain goes up in 30 seconds!!!"
> Fozzie rolls by on a unicycle. "Don't worry, Kermit -- Ihave a new act
all set to go.
> AHHHH--!"
> He falls over. Kermitlooks more worried. "They promised me a big entrance!"
Kermit > swallowshard. "I guess the show must go on. Roll intro."
ALL: [[Singing]] In a not too distant future, somewhere between time and space…
> "It's time to start the music, it's time to light the lights..."(Oh dear -- where are they?) "...to put > on makeup..." (They better be here soon -- my ulcer) "
CROW: No, no, no. WE’RE supposed to get ulcers from this!
> ...time to get things started..."
> Audience : "Why don't you get things started..."
SERVO: [[Audience]] We didn’t get paid to sit here, you know!
> (Do I have a backup plan? Does Fozzie count?)
MIKE: I don’t know, maybe you should have thought your plot out a little better.
> "This -- is -- what -- we -- call -- the -- Muppet -- SHOOOOWWWWW!"
CROW: This is what I call a piece of sh---
MIKE: [[Clamps Crow’s beak down]]
> (Well -- I guess that's it. Here I go. Starting another show --guestless.)
SERVO: And there’s a good reason, too! Maybe you should try WATCHING yourselves on TV…
> "Ladies and gentlemen!" Kermit runs across the stage.
CROW: [[As Audience]] Put some clothes on, ya streaking frog!
MIKE: CROW!
> "Have we got a show for you tonight!" He stalls. "A bear is abear -- but here at the Muppet > Show, we have an UNICYCLING BEAR!"
CROW: This is pathetic. Mike, wake me up when this is over.
MIKE: No way. If I have to sit through this, you do, too.
> "Good grief!" (Old Geezer #1)
SERVO: Charlie Brown isn’t old!
> " I swear this show getsworse every night."
CROW: Then why the hell do you come back?!
> "Psssst...Kermit!" (Stage whisper from Gonzo) "They'reHERE!"
> Kermit goes NUTS!
MIKE: Not one word, Crow.
> "YEAAAHHHHH --INTRODUCING THE X-MEN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
CROW: Fresh from an angst-filled adventure!
> POP as all the lights go out. Kermit is left standing deadcenter in the stage. "Uh, guys?" BANG > FLASH CRASH. Lights stay out as fireworks,lightning, and earthquakes rock the stage.
ALL: [[Singing]] It’s the end of the world as we know it!
> Brilliant red beamsflash out across the audience.
> OOPS. Fur, feathers, and felt allgo flying.
> It's mayhem!!!
> Muppets are being tossed by hurricanewinds left and right,
SERVO: They deserve it, too!
> bodies are flying around, teleporting here andthere.
> With one final BOOM everything stops.
CROW: And then, God said: "Let there be no more Muppet/X-Men crossovers!"
> The X-Men areleft center stage.
> Flickering, the power comes back on.
> Theaudience appears to be empty.
MIKE: Smart move, audience.
> Kermit is nowhere to be seen.
> "Do you think we might have overdone it?" It was Storm.
SERVO: What do you mean "it was Storm"?! Was she saying it?! Had she overdone it?!
[[Tom’s bubble starts smoking]]
MIKE: Calm down, Tom.
SERVO: I’m sorry, but I can’t tolerate people with bad grammar!
> Cyclops shrugged. "He said he wanted a big entrance."
> He looked around, taking stock of his team.
SERVO: I’d like 2 shares of Psylocke, please!
> "Where's Jubil..."
MIKE: [[As Cyclops]] Who’s Jubil?
CROW: [[As Storm]] I meant JUBILEE. Sheesh, I should be leader, instead of
you!
MIKE: [[As Cyclops]] Should not!
CROW: [[As Storm]] Should too!
> He was interrupted as a small but sturdy
CROW: Cabinet.
> figure cameflying out from behind stage.
> "Kermie!!!! My love! Are you allright, my sweet green pea?"
CROW: [[As Kermit]] Ah, shut up, you stupid old…
MIKE: Crow…I’m warning you.
> Silence as everyone looks wildly around.
SERVO: [[As Wolverine, looking at Miss Piggy]] Mmm…Canadian bacon…
> "I...I'm all right," a voice echoes from the orchestra pit.
> "Kermie?" Miss Piggy strides over. "Where are you?"
SERVO: [[Kermit]] I’m trying to escape! D’oh!
> "Er...the...uhm...tuba." "The tuba?" "It was the nearest cover."
> "Humph ! Men! Once again I will save you!"
MIKE: There’s something wrong with this picture…
> "Relax, cherie -- de gernouille, 'e is fine." Miss Piggy turns on Gambit.
> "Was that French?"
SERVO: No, it was German, stupid!
> "Mais oui."
> "I. Love. French. Men."
MIKE: PLEASE tell me this isn’t going to end up as a Miss Piggy/Gambit fanfic.
> Gambit hurriedly backs up as Miss Piggy approaches.
MIKE: Smart move, Gumbo.
> "Speak to me -- garcon!" she demands, holding out her hand.
> Gambit hides behind Rogue.
CROW: [[As Rogue]] There’s no time f’r this heah, sugah!
> He desperately tries to change thetopic: "Mais l'autre, de, uh, frog?"
> "Now that I have you -- he is but a gourmet meal. Nothing more then two legs on a plate to us > French souls."
SERVO: [[As Kermit]] Thank God! Now she’ll leave me alone!
> "Heeeelp me..." Kermit's voice drifts over to them.
> Gonzo appears -- momentarily taking control.
MIKE: Unfortunately, no one wanted him to.
> "Iseveryone here all right?"
ALL: NO.
> "Heeelp meeee!"
> "Okay, great -- let's get this show back on track."
SERVO: Let’s not and say we did.
> "U,h excuse me," Jean adds in. "But we seem to bemissing someone."
> "Oh really? That's too bad
MIKE: [[Monotone]]Yeah, too bad…big loss…
> -- (aside: Can someone getthat unicycling bear off the stage before he kills himself?)
SERVO: Nah, I say we let him fall to his death.
> --uhmm.. I wouldn't worry. People around here have a way ofshowing up."
MIKE: [[As Cyclops]] Yeah, especially during our baseball games!
> Meanwhile...up in the seats. Two old heads emerge.
> "What was that?" "Some newfangled idea of that damn frog."
CROW: [[As Budweiser frog]] But I wanted to vary the weis!
> "Think we can still slip out?"
SERVO: Hopefully!
> "No luck. Doors are locked."
SERVO: Damn!
> "Damn. Who is it tonight?"
> "Spandex people."
> "Honestly -- where does that frog hang out to pick upthese guests?"
MIKE: Am I sensing some innuendo?
> "His house!" (Bwaha hahhaha -- they chortle together)
> "At least we're safe up here, with all of them down there."
> They peer over the edge, not noticing the third headpopping up between
them."Yo--old
> dudes what's up?"
CROW: [[As old dudes]] Obviously not our intelligence.
> ****************************
CROW: And then, God said "let there be stars!"
> "Okay!" Scooter runs about backstage.
> "The curtain'sabout to go up -- who's ready to go?"
CROW: I am! [[Crow stands up, ready to leave the theater.]]
MIKE: Sit your butt back down, Crow!
> A herd of cows past him by, followed by Gonzo dressedup as a milkmaid.
> "It's me...me and my cows. We're doing 'LittleBo Peep.'"
SERVO: Why are they TELLING them? Shouldn’t they be able to GUESS?
CROW: With the intelligence of THIS audience, it might take them YEARS to guess!
MIKE: Good point.
> "Great -- get on out there." The cows enter stage left.
MIKE: Exit stage left…
> "Wait -- aren't those supposed to be sheep?"
SERVO: THEY JUST TOLD YOU!
> Meanwhile, up in the balcony seats... "And just who are you?" (Old Geezer #1)
MIKE: I am BATMAN.
> "I'm Jubilee! I'm an X-Man! Hey, can I get down fromhere?"
> "Unfortunately No."
> "Guess it's just you guys and me then, huh?"
> Old geezerslook thrilled (SARCASM).
CROW: Well, duh.
SERVO: Mike, I’m tired of the author insulting my intelligence.
> ****************************
CROW: And then, God said "let the starts eradicate this story!"
> Little Bo Peep and her cows have just re-exited.
CROW: Re-exited? They exited previously?
SERVO: Wouldn’t you if you were in the story?
> Thestage is empty, except the tuba.
> "Can someone get me out of here?"
> "Psst, Kermit -- you're on."
> "Oh dear."
CROW: The ratings on the show DROPPED and the show was CANCELLED. THE END.
> There's a small silence as a clipboard popsout of the tuba.
> "And next we have an interview with Jean andScott.
> With Sam, the American Eagle."
> "First, just let me say what a great pleasure it is to havereal American stars on our show for a > change."
MIKE: [[As announcer]] Everyone else was too smart to appear on our show!
> "Why, thank you, Sam, the pleasure is all ours."
> "Now, Scott, Jean, if I may call you that, what's it like tobe a modern hero?"
> ...Backstage: Wolverine is sniffing around.
CROW: [[As Gonzo]] Wolverine! Don’t sniff THERE!
> "Sniff sniff...grrrr..." "GRRRRRRR." Someone answers back. "GROWLLLLLL! I Wolverine. I > destroy." "I Animal. I Destroy!!!" (Can we say soulmates?)
MIKE: No. Definitely NOT.
> .... "Hey, Bobby, can I grab you for a second?"
MIKE: Crow, don’t even START!
> "Only if your name rhymes with 'bogue.'"
SERVO: Did he just say he wanted Rogue to grab him?
CROW: This fanfic writer’s mind is always in the gutter!
> Fozzie looks puzzled. "Uhmm...well no."
> "Sure, what's up Fozzie?"
MIKE: Great, now Bobby’s hitting on an innocent bear.
> "Well, you know I'm a struggling comedian,
SERVO: A VERY struggling comedian!
> and I'veheard some of your stuff is pretty good.
> I was wondering ifIcould use you in my show." "
> Sure, no problem Fozzie -- I'd be honored."
MIKE: [[As Bobby]] I mean, I having nothing ELSE to do tonight!
> "Great...thanks!"On Stage:
> Sam ducks as Jean throws a punch across him.
CROW: Look at that punch fly!
> "What do you mean you loved her?"
> "Well, Jean," Scott is trying to hide behind Sam,
> "I didmarry her and start a family with her."
> "So?" Scott exits a hurried stage right, Jean on his heels.
> Sam just stares out after them. "You are all weirdos."
MIKE: You’re telling US?
> "Thanks, Sam, for another great Muppet Interview!"
> Thetuba is rolled out, as Kermit's voice echoes out.
> "Next we haveFozzie Bear, in an original comic sketch!
> YAAAA!"Up in the Balcony...
> "The bear's up. This is the worst part."
SERVO: Obviously, they weren’t paying attention.
> "You don't have to tell me. You got it?" "Been saving it."
> Geezer #2 bends down and reappears afew seconds later with two glasses and a bottle of > Scotch.
> "Whoa -- you guys keep a bar up here too?"
> "The bear drove us to it. Here have one...you'll need it."
> "Gee, thanks guys!"
CROW: They gave a minor beer?
MIKE: They’re creepy old men.
> Meanwhile down on center stage, Fozzie is on a roll:
CROW: Unfortunately, the audience is asleep.
> "So today, we have superheroes as our guests. Well myquestion is...what do you do when your > power sucks and you area wimp? The answer is: Well, you don't join the X-Men, 'causethey > already have Iceman!!!"
MIKE: Nice of you to ask him on your show and DUMP on him!
> (bang CRASH on the drum andcymbals)
> "HEY!!" Bobby turns around backstage in bewilderment.
> "That bear is cutting me up!"
MIKE: You deserved it, I bet.
> Floyd: "Well, man. What are you going to do about it?"
SERVO: They brought PINK FLOYD into this?! Now I’m mad!
> "Oh YEAH?! Yeah...well...uhmm...nothing." Man do Isuck.
SERVO: Now that we agree on something.
> NO! For once I will stand up for myself.
CROW: No, no, just sit there and whine about being defeated.
> I will dosomething. With true determinism,
> Bobby strides off.
> In Gambit's dressing room... <Knock knock.>
> "Come in, de door is open."
> Miss Piggy lounges in the doorway in a dangerously lownegligee.
CROW: What the heck is "lownegligee?"
SERVO: Low N Egg Li Gee?
MIKE: Don’t try to make sense of it, Tom. It can’t be done.
> "Gambit..." ACK! Gambit swallows, thinking fast.
MIKE: There’s a first.
> "Tis a bit cold,non? for such dishabille?"
> "I'm finding it a little warm in here myself."
CROW: She did NOT just say that!
MIKE: I never remembered Miss Piggy being a flirt.
> "Well...uhmm. Gambit must go."
SERVO: Smart move, Cajun.
> "Go where?"
> "Uh uh...e' s' fo'fhy d'fis' jusd. D'accord?"
MIKE: I definitely don’t remember that in the French language…
> Gambit ducksout, wondering what he just said and hoping Miss Piggy
> wasn'tfollowing.
CROW: I don’t think ANYONE could be following this!
> She wasn't, as she was too busy swooning on the floor.
[[All shudder]]
> "Oh that accent -- so terrible! French men -- sodelicious."
MIKE: Let’s pretend we didn’t hear that, guys.
CROW: I think it’d be for the best.
> ******************************
CROW: And then, God said "let this fanfic end as soon as possible!"
> "Welcome back to The Muppet Show...
ALL: [[Monotone]] Yay.
> with special gueststars the X-MEN!! YAAAAAAA!
> "And now presenting...the Swedish Chef!!!!!"
SERVO: [[As chef]] Who wants some of my tasty chocolate balls?
> (Tuba/Kermit exits stage left. Curtain lifts on the SwedishChef and Beast.)
> "Smir-nir-bor de-boor skih-dish-skih-door"
> "Superfluous welcomes and gratituous thanks to ouraudience. I and my esteemed college are > here to impart to youour secrets of basting the turkey."
> "Smir-nir-dir-boor nir dir mmm-bork!"
MIKE: Mmmm-bork, do wop do bork, do wop de doo…
> "First we must obtain our specimen ..."
CROW: Here, have this cup…
> Beast startshunting around.
> "Ah, here we go... although I would recommendthe
> audience members following along at home to procure the useof a dead one."
SERVO: So, what do I do with this one dead fanfic author?
MIKE: Ouch…
> "Bork! BORK!"
CROW: [[As a Chocobo]] Wark! Wark!
> **************
CROW: And then, God said "stars may vary in shape and size. Offer valid in 49 states. Sorry Tennessee!"
> "Kermit!" Gonzo goes running through behind stage.
> "The turkeys... Disaster!"
SERVO: Oh, my God! They’re terrorizing the city!
CROW: They killed Kenny!
MIKE: Those bastards!
> "What now, Gonzo?" "Remember the killer Thanksgiving turkey from lastepisode?" "Don't > remind me." "Well...Beast just let him loose! He's on a rampage!" (Gonzo loses it.) "RUN FOR > YOUR LIVES!!!!" (There's thesound of stampeding cows.) "MOOOOOOOOO!" (Tuba > istrampled.) "CURTAIN!!!!"
> **************************
CROW: And then, God said…aw, forget it…
> Back in the balcony... Geezer#1: " Hey -- what's happening down there?"
MIKE: Trust us you don’t want to know.
> Geezer #2: "Looks like mass mayhem to me.
CROW: The Muppet Massacre!
SERVO: So, do you think Gambit will be kicked out of the X-Men because of his involvement with this one?
MIKE: I think they’d let him BACK into the X-Men.
> I think the frogfinally bought it.
"Geezer #1: "'Bout time. It only took 9,907 stage deaths!"
SERVO: Unfortunately, NONe of them were the main characters!
> (Ahhahaha!)
> Jubilee: Burp! "What's so funny? I feel funny. Hey...
> (she spotsthe Scotch) ...if you guys are having seconds, can I? What is thisstuff?" "Nothing." > (The two old geezers exchange grins)
MIKE: Creepy old men who give scotch to minors, film at 11!
> Geezer #2: Anyone like some imported cigars?""ME ME ME ME!"
> *******************************************
CROW: Servo, do you want to do these from now on?
> A slightly dented tuba wobbles out in front of the curtain
> "Uhm...while we are waiting for certain stars to recover> from that
last scene -- the Muppet
> band is here to entertain! YAAAAAAA!"
> (Band appears from behind the curtain after a few tries...)
> Floyd: "That's right -- we are here to groove you to some tunes.
SERVO: PINK FLOYD IS NOT THE MUPPETS’ BAND!
MIKE: I think they mean a different Floyd.
SERVO: Oh, then it’s ok…
> Tell em what you do, Animal..."Animal: "Animal Eat Drums! Eat Drums!..." Floyd: "No! > Animal! Beat Drums! Beat Drums!"Animal: "Beat Drums! Beat Drums!!!!"
**********************
SERVO: This is the constellation Cyclops. It symbolizes whining, no personality, and having a wife that gets killed every three weeks!
> Kermit: "Has anyone seen Jubilee?"
MIKE: [[As Iceman]] She was accepting alcohol from old guys.
> Sam: "No."Kermit: "How about Scott and Jean?"
> Sam: "No."Kermit:
CROW: Does that mean what I *think* it means?!
SERVO: It’s not every day that they get to…
MIKE: [[Glares at Tom]]
SERVO: …map make…
> "Or Bobby?"Sam: "No."Kermit: "Thanks."Sam: "No problem."
> *******************************
SERVO: This is the constellation Jubilee. It symbolizes whining, complaining, talking like a valley girl, and being just plain dumb.
> "And we interrupt this show to bring you a newsflash!"
> (Thunder and lightning crackle across the stage -- DAMN --wrong show)
> Sam is reporting...
> "This just in... Former accountant Robert Drake hasrecently proclaimed himself the next 'human > fly' and is currentlyclimbing the Empire State Building
CROW: Oh, come on! Only Spider-Man can do that!
SERVO: Or Nightcrawler…
> ...can we have a close-up,please?" The camera zooms in on Bobby halfway up the EmpireState > Building, shouting to the camera "I'm worth something!!!!"
MIKE: One penny!
> He waves. Unfortunately this causes him to slip.
SERVO: [[Monotone]] No…don’t…we must save you…
> "AGHHHHHHH..." Sam looks drily on.
> "Another pointless attempt at famefelled by circumstance."
MIKE: [[As reporter]] This fanfic wasn’t good enough to get the author the fame he/she/it needed.
> CRASH! Bobby comes tumbling through the studio roofnext to Sam.
> He gets up. "Goddammit, I'm going to accomplish something today!"
SERVO: You’ve already been written out of character…that’s something…
> He strides off. Sam looks up at the camera. "And that's the news of theday..."
> *********************
SERVO: This is the constellation Wolverine. It symbolizes the vertically challenged, and that don’t use deodorant.
> Meanwhile, backstage... "Gambit...OHHHH Gambit."
CROW: Ewwwww!
MIKE: She didn’t mean it like that, Crow! I *hope* she didn’t mean
it like that!
> (ohh non) "'ello Miss Piggy."
> "Oh talk to me, Gambit...your accent does it all for me!"
> "C'est vrai?"
> "Oui, oui, OUI!"
ALL: NO! NO! NO!
> "Oh." Gambit thinks this over.
> "In that case I feel Ishould inform you that I don't really have an accent."
> "QUOI!" Mis Piggy shouts. All the X-Men turn andstare.
SERVO: I’d stare at him, too, if a cartoon pig was hitting on him…
> "Well, when I joined the X-Men, and everyone justpresumed
> that I had an accent. So I faked it. It's been very hard.
CROW: Oh, so THAT explains the crappy accents that the writers have been using!
> It's been my big secret, never allowing me to truly open uppeople,
MIKE: To open up people you should’ve been a surgeon.
> forcing me to distance myself...always looking over myshoulder.
SERVO: and after this story, you BETTER continue to look over your shoulder!
> You'll never believe the stress it caused when Rogue
> absorbed my memories and got a hint at the truth.
MIKE: *CoughLoserCough*
> AndSinister...dropping all those hints...'You're not what you seem,Remy...'
> But now it's out in the open.
MIKE: Don’t say a word, Crow!
> Maybe for the best. No one says anything.
> "I know just how you feel, *sugER*."
SERVO: They are NOT pulling this crap on us!!
> "Rogue! You too?"
> "Yes ...it's all been one big charade...from day one!"
> "I had no idea!"
> "Remy...can we start...again?"
SERVO: NO! This fanfic is ending, and I mean NOW!
> "YES!" (oh what a happy ending...joy o joy o joy.)
> "HUMPH! Men. Who needs them?
> OhKermieee...about what I said earlier..."
MIKE: [[As Kermit]] No way, sister! You lost your chance!
> ****************************
SERVO: This is the constellation LeBeau. It symbolizes dorks with a bad accent.
> Back on the balcony...Jubilee: (Exhaling a large puff of smoke)
MIKE: [[Puts head into hands]]
SERVO: They did NOT do this. They did NOT do this…
> "Hey, thanks for sharing,you guys! Man, what's going on now?
> "Geezer#2: "The best part of the entire show."
> Geezer#1: "What's that?"Geezer#2: "The ending!!!!"
> (BWHAHAHAHAH)
> ******************************************
SERVO: This is the constellation Rogue. It symbolizes Southerners with white streaks in their hair, mood problems, and bad accents.
> Kermit sits alone in his tuba. Why me? he wonders.
MIKE: We’re asking that ourselves.
> When people go on other tonight shows -- they don't have these problems.
> Guests don't vanish, go insane(what was Bobby doing?!),
CROW: I don’t want to know.
> the staff is organized,
MIKE: This writer is not.
> the comediansare funny, the support actors act, poultry and other
> livestock staysunder control. He sighed. Sometimes it seemed
> he was the onlyfrog with these difficulties.
CROW: Here, have some Viagra…
MIKE: CROW!
> "Kermit...Animal is eating the drums again..."
> Kermit waves a hand tiredly from the tuba: "Send outLogan."
> "Okay..." BANG CRASH THUD "ARGGGGHHHHH""OGGGGHHHHHH" > "ARGGGGGHHHH" "OGHHHHHHHHH" Scooter reappears.
> "Good call, Kermit! Problem solved. Hey..." He peers into the instrument.
> "Are you all right in there?"
> "Yes...it's just that things never seem to work out the way they're supposed to."
SERVO: Stop hiring this writer, then.
> "It's not that bad, Kermit...at least we kept Fozzie downto one act tonight.
MIKE: Or the whole show…
> C'mon...the closing act is about to start...are you going to introduce us?"
> "There's a closing show?"
SERVO: Unfortunately.
> "Yep" "Well that's good...hopefully. Has Bobby shown up yet?"
> "Last we heard he's trying out to be the next humantorch."
> "Hmmm... The show must go on -- right?
> Be there in asecond. Before this show is over I will get OUT of this TUBA. Someone call Miss > Piggy. If anyone can do it, she can!"
> *****************************************
SERVO: This is the constellation Marrow. It symbolizes bad attitudes, pain in the butts, and people who are attracted to hicks.
> Laughter drifts over the balcony seats...
CROW: I guess they got copy of this story in advance.
> "AHAHHAHAHHA...snort...AHAHAHAHA...!"
> On stage below, preparing for the grand finale, Beastlooks around in
> amazement. "Does that sound like Jubilee toanyone else?
CROW: idon’tknow,doesit?
MIKE: I didn’t realize you guys could talk like that!
CROW: Cool, huh?
> JUBILEE!!! WHERE ARE YOU?"
> "Up here, Hankster!" She waves down at them.
> "Quick, Rogue, get her down and away from thosescuzzy old men. Plus, she'll be just in time > for the closing show!" Rogue flies up and grabs Jubilee.
> ***************************
SERVO: This is the constellation Professor Xavier. It symbolizes the president of the Hair Club for men.
> "Ladies and gentlemen!!!" Kermit hobbles out onto thestage, permanently bent in the shape of a > tuba, but under his own power. Miss Piggy can do ANYTHING!
> "Well, it has beenquite a show, hasn't it?"
> Geezer #1: "Could have been better."
CROW: A LOT better.
> Geezer #2: "Only 'cause it couldn't have been worse!"
CROW: It could have been a lot worse.
MIKE: How?
CROW: I don’t know. I just don’t want any of the characters in this story to be right.
> (AHAHAHHAHA!) Kermit, ignoring them: "And introducing, as a final scene,the historic battle > between the French and the English atWaterloo!!! YAAAA!" Kermit exits. Curtain rises on the > battlefield. "Okay, team -- ATTACK!!!"
> Scott directs the X- Men/English. "Take to the air!"
> Bobby appears out of nowhere, leaping out from theaudience.
SERVO: Oh, my God! It’s John Wilkes Booth!
> Somehow he got his hands on Cable's gun.
CROW: Since Cable wasn’t even IN this story in the first place.
> "Out of my way!" he snarls. "I'm bear-hunting today." Fozzie makes an
abrupt exit stage right.
> "I don't care what the stupid history book says, Scooter! I'm not losing
to a bunch of
> spandex-clad accent fakers!" Miss Piggy takes charge of the French.
> "We're re-writing historytoday, people! Charge! And extra doubloons to whoever bringsme > Gambit's head on a stick!"
CROW: That’s a delicacy in China.
SERVO: Really?
CROW: Yup!
> "Scott...uh...Duke of Wellington...they are not retreating. The script said they are supposed to > retreat!" "That's okay...we'll just use Jean's T.K. JEAN!!" "Bad news, Scott...Jean's defected!"
MIKE: DAMN! We’ll have to go to the customer service department!
"> WHAT!? Well, at least we have our fliers!"
> Meanwhile ...on the opposite side... "We need some anti-aircraft fire, Miss Piggy...er, > Napoleon!" "Just do it!"
SERVO: Sue, Nike, sue!
> she bellows back. " Okaaaay...ready, Gonzo?" "Ready."
> He adjusts his flight goggles. "3...2...1!!!" Scooter lights the wick on the 19th-centurycannon > prop. BANG. With a burst of light and sound Gonzo isUp Up and AWAY! {Just take a break > and picture this...arms waving, Muppetscreaming, and then THUNK as he impacts on Rogue! It > justcracks me up every time.}
SERVO: I won’t thunk how he impacts Rogue!
> "First one launched. And...HIT! We have a hit! Over." Back in the control room, everyone > breaks out cheering -- the ones on radar throw their headsets into the air and startslapping each > other on the back. "Send more! More volunteers!" Everything is just going nuts! Muppets are > being fired upinto the air left, right and center. "ahhh..." "argghhh" "yeeehhhh" SMACK BANG > CRASH Armed to the teeth...Bobby is a man on a mission. Jubilee was the first casualty, having > tripped over hershoelaces
CROW: [[As Cyclops]] I told you!
MIKE: [[Jubilee]] Did not!
CROW: [[Cyclops]] Did too!
> and then once fallen unable to get up.
> Gambit never had a hope.
> Realising this, he sought refugein the organ
CROW: Ewwww…
(> my, these large musical instruments come in handy). Animal and Wolverine are having the time > of their lives. Together, they've broken away and formed the renegade Prussianarmy! Scott, > meanwhile, is being distracted by Miss Piggy's nefarious plan to have every single Muppet who > goes near himscream "I'm a Summers!"
SERVO: <Sigh> That joke’s been done to death.
> He loses it and breaks downcompletely.
MIKE: That’s what happens when you invest in Microsoft.
> Of course, his breakdown is nothing compared to the oneKermit is
> having backstage. And of course this is nothingcompared to the fit the two old geezers are > having up in thebalcony. They even lose their TEETH they are laughing so hard! And it gets
> even crazier!!!!
SERVO: Please, don’t describe it and leave it to our imaginations.
> Now the orchestra getsinvolved, and the audience, annoyed at the abuse they've beenputting up > with all night, decide to fight back. Everyone rushes tothe stage...it's just one giant crowd of > limbs and color. "CURTAIN, CURTAIN!" But there is no one left tohear Kermit. A frog with a > plan (Mission Impossible music here
MIKE: Sue, sue, sue!
> -- yes,I think in stereo surround-sound too), he leaps his way over andwith a manly scream of > triumph brings the curtain crashing down. DEAD SILENCE.
MIKE: And then cheers as the fanfic ends!
> The curtain moves gently...a green body emerges...staggering out, he waves weakly to the > nonexistent audience. "H...hope to see...you ...alllll next week. When specialguest stars...the > Tick visits our showw....."
CROW: No! He WILL NOT RUIN THE TICK!!
> THUNK. Kermitpasses out. Sam steps out over him and surveys the wrecked theaterwith a > frown. "I've said it before and I'll say it again. You people are allfreaks. Good night from Sam > the Eagle on the Muppet ShowTonight."THE ENDN.
> samihail@novice.uwaterloo.ca
SERVO: Mail flame time!
CROW: Millions and millions of grammar flames!
MIKE: Guys, be nice…
SERVO: Be nice?! Were you not paying attention?!
> ------------------------------------------------------------------------------ --------------
SERVO: And this is 1407 Graymalkin Lane…
> "If you are normal like me
MIKE: He is definitely NOT normal.
> -- and I assume you are -- then you were appalled by the previous skit.
> This is why I am pleased to present.......Wayne and Wanda!"
> Sam the American Bald Eagle
CROW: WHAT?
SERVO: That did NOT make sense!
MIKE: Are you really that surprised?
[[The bots and Mike exit the theater.]]
