NOTE: This is my thirteenth MiSTing, and I consider it the end of
my first "season" of "Mystery Usenet Theater 3000" episodes. As
such, I've decided to do a typical season finale, complete with
an ambiguous cliffhanger ending. Is this the end? Is it only the
beginning? Read on and find out, true believers.
[THEME SONG & CREDITS]
[Guitar Twang]
[Door sequence: *, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, Dog bone]
[SATELLITE OF LOVE - BRIDGE]
[Mike is behind the console, listening to a tape player through big,
clunky headphones from the 1970s. He nods his head to the beat of the
music. Tom and Crow enter.]
TOM: Hey, Mike, listening to that Ohio Players album again?
CROW: Are you gettin' DOWN with your bad self?
[Mike, of course, responds in a voice that's much too loud.]
MIKE: NO, ACTUALLY, I'M LISTENING TO THIS SONG I FOUND...
TOM: No need to yell, Mike! We can all hear you!
MIKE: OH, SORRY... LEMME TAKE OFF THESE HEADPHONES!
CROW: Please do! Some of us want to KEEP our hearing.
[He takes off the 'phones and shuts off the tape player. He now speaks
in a normal conversational tone.]
MIKE: Again, sorry about that. Getting back to what I was saying,
I was listening to this tape I found in the Satellite
archives. I think it was recorded by that sleepy-eyed guy
who worked here before me. Give it a listen.
[Mike unplugs the headphones from the headphone jack and presses the
PLAY button. We hear Joel's voice coming from the tape player.]
JOEL'S VOICE: ...But his bosses didn't like him
So they shot him into spa-ace
We'll send him cheesy movies
The worst we can find (la la la)
He'll have to sit and watch them all
And we'll monitor his mind (la la la)
[Mike pauses the tape.]
MIKE: Does that sound familiar to you guys?
TOM: Oh, yeah! I remember that! It used to be our theme song.
CROW: It was heavily influenced by the compositional technique of
Sherwood Schwartz.
MIKE: That's what I figured. Now, pay attention to this next
part of the song. I found this really interesting.
[Mike unpauses the tape.]
JOEL'S VOICE: Now keep in mind Joel can't control
Where the movies begin or end (la la la)
Because he used those special parts
To make his robot friends
[Mike stops the tape.]
TOM: Isn't that a kicker? WE'RE the reason you can't stop those
crummy movies Pearl sends us.
CROW: Without us, the experiment couldn't go on. Funny, huh?
MIKE: [suddenly serious] Yes. Funny, indeed. Say, guys, could
you spare a minute of your time?
TOM: For you, Mike, we'd spare TWO minutes! What for?
MIKE: Oh, I just thought you could both use... A LITTLE TUNE-UP!
[Suddenly, Mike holds a wrench in the air, like a serial killer
wielding a knife. We hear a few seconds of horror movie music. Mike
has a wicked glint in his eye.]
BOTS: [terrified] AAAAUUUUUGGGGGGHHHHH!!!!
[They scurry out of the room. Mike turns to Cambot. He smiles amiably
and chuckles to himself. His psychotic outburst had obviously been a
joke. The commercial light blinks.]
MIKE: Sheesh. What a couple of scaredy-cats. They'll fall for
anything. I mean, can you imagine ME actually dismantling
my best friends, just to get out of this experiment?
[A quiet moment as Mike considers the idea; he gets a far-away look in
his eye.]
MIKE: [snapping out of it] Nah! We'll be right back.
[COMMERCIAL BREAK]
[SATELLITE OF LOVE - BRIDGE]
[Mike has his arms around Tom and Crow in a fatherly hug.]
MIKE: So, you see, it was all a big put-on. I wasn't REALLY going
to dismantle you. It was just a practical joke.
CROW: Well, don't ever do that again, Mike. You KNOW both Tom and
I have "trust" issues. And we still haven't gotten over our
"abandonment" issues from when the first guy left.
TOM: This little "joke," as you call it, probably set our therapy
back six months.
[Mads sign blinks, a bit lethargically.]
MIKE: Why do I let you guys watch "Oprah"? [sighs] Well, looks
like Kukla, Fran, and Ollie are calling. Better see what
they want.
[A ROW OF CONDOMINIUMS IN THE SUBURBS]
[We hear the opening notes from Bach's "Toccata and Fugue in D Minor,"
accompanied by a crack of thunder. Somehow, none of this is very
scary or sinister.]
[Dissolve to:]
[MODEST KITCHEN-ETTE]
[Pearl is wearing a waitress' uniform and nametag. In the background,
we see an unshaven Observer sitting at a card table and looking through
newspaper want ads. He is wearing an undershirt and boxer shorts.]
PEARL: [unenthusiastic] Welcome to Condo Forrester, my new head-
quarters of evil.
[Cut to:]
[SATELLITE OF LOVE - BRIDGE]
MIKE: Condo Forrester? What about *Castle* Forrester, your
ancestral home... the dwelling to which you have a deep
spiritual connection?
[Cut to:]
[MODEST KITCHEN-ETTE]
OBSERVER: She lost it in a poker g--
[Pearl silences him with an icy stare. He goes back to scouring the
want ads.]
PEARL: Let's just say I incurred some financial setbacks in a
recent business transaction. From now on, my efforts to
conquer the world will have to be a LOT more cost-effective.
I've started working nights at Denny's to pick up some
extra scratch, and we had to sell Bobo to an Armenian
circus. Truth be told, I'm afraid we won't be able to
keep the experiment going for much longer. I _did_ manage
to scrape something together for you guys this time, though.
You'll be viewing two "Batman" fanfics by Andrew Hicks,
"The Penguin's Withdrawal" and "The Joker's Fountain of
Youth," plus -- at no additional charge -- a Spam called
"A Stun Gun Could Save Your Life." I know how much the
experiment means to you guys, so I'm keeping it going as
long as humanly possible. Oh, by the way, those "Batman"
stories are based on the Sixties TV show. Enjoy!
[Cut to:]
[SATELLITE OF LOVE - BRIDGE]
TOM: Gee, Pearl, you didn't need to go to all that trouble.
CROW: Yeah. We would have understood. Really.
[Lights blink; siren goes off; chaos reigns.]
MIKE: Oh, great! Now, we've got SPAM sign!
[Dog bone, 6, 5, 4, 3, 2, *]
[SATELLITE OF LOVE - THEATER]
[Mike and the 'bots enter and take their seats.]
CROW: Oh, wonderful -- another greasy slice of spam to clog my
mental arteries.
MIKE: Just what I always never wanted.
> Subject: A Stun Gun Could Save Your Life or The Life Of A Loved One!
TOM: And they're great fun at parties, too!
> Date: Sat, 14 Nov 98 20:23:20 EST
CROW: EST? I thought that went out of style in the Seventies!
> From: 42955205@netzero.net
> Reply-To: 300007@usa.net
MIKE: Watch "The Net" on USA -- 300,007 Fans Can't Be Wrong.
> To: "you"
>
TOM: [deep voice] Who, me?
CROW & MIKE: Yes, you!
> The stun gun has become an increasingly popular product for personal
> protection.
CROW: According to Pat Priest, Paul Prudhomme, and Peter Peter
Pumpkin Eater.
> A stun gun is highly effective when used to immobilize
> an individual without causing any permanent damage.
TOM: But what if you *want* to cause permanent damage?
> Many consumers
> are turning to a stun gun instead of a hand gun for protection.
MIKE: And still others are resorting to the tried-and-true
catapult.
> The Stun Gun does not rely on high amperage, or pain, for results.
TOM: Instead, it just makes the criminal feel really bad about
himself as a person.
> The Stun Gun is designed to key into the nervous system.
CROW: But it only has a valet key, so it can't get into the trunk
of the nervous system.
> It
> interrupts the tiny neurological impulses that travel through the
> whole body to control and direct voluntary muscle movement.
MIKE: Big deal! Doesn't Mad Dog Twenty-Twenty do pretty much
the same thing?
CROW: You would know, Mike.
> When an
> assailant's neuro-muscular system is overwhelmed and controlled by
> the Stun Gun, instant disorientation and loss of balance occur.
TOM: So the assailant won't be able to do any tightrope-walking.
> A Stun Gun is a legal electronic device that puts out a high voltage
> shock!
CROW: Well, it's legal in *Texas* anyway.
> By merely touching a person with the gun, he is immobilized for
> several minutes, with no permanent damage.
MIKE: Hey, this Stun Gun would be great to have in a game of
Freeze Tag.
> Stun Guns operate on a 9
> volt NiCad rechargeable battery. (Not included).
TOM: Battery not included, huh? Now THERE'S a shock... if you'll
pardon the pun.
CROW: No, Tom, that's one pun I *won't* pardon.
> A half second shock
> causes muscle spasms and a dazed state of mind for up to 15 minutes.
MIKE: After the first few minutes, it's actually kind of fun.
> A five second stun gun shock can leave the attacker feeling as if he
> fell out of a two story building and landed on a concrete sidewalk!
TOM: Scientists call this the "Looney Toon" Effect.
> The energy stored in the Stun Gun is dumped into the assailant's
> muscles at a pulse frequency rate that tells the muscles to do a
> great deal of work rapidly.
CROW: Obviously, teenagers are immune to this.
> This rapid work cycle instantly depletes the attacker's blood sugar
> by converting it to lactic acid.
MIKE: Acid is groovy. Stun the pigs.
> In short, he is unable to produce
> energy for his muscles, and his body becomes unable to function.
TOM: We know this because we tested the Stun Gun extensively on
Jim Carrey.
MIKE: Why Jim Carrey?
TOM: C'mon, Mike, isn't it obvious?
> Protect yourself in your home, on city streets, in shopping Malls,
> against purse snatchers, while walking or jogging, from rape or while
> bicycling.
CROW: Be the life of any party! Amaze your friends! Zap your
enemies!
> These things are a fear to you and me, everybody, young
> and old...rich and poor.
MIKE: Ebony and Ivory.
TOM: Captain and Tenille.
CROW: Pico and Sepulveda.
> You can be safe. Carry a Stun Gun or a Stun Baton!
MIKE: Yes, the Stun Baton -- perfect for that paranoid drum major
in YOUR life.
> Simply touch the
> attacker with the small hand size stun gun or baton to deliver a high
> voltage low amperage shock, causing loss of balance and muscle
> control, confusion and disorientation.
TOM: Or just tie his shoelaces together and run.
> Full recovery takes about 5 to 10 minutes.
CROW: Not counting emotional recovery.
> This high quality gun is made in the USA and has a lifetime warranty.
>
MIKE: Guaranteed to shut down the nervous system or your money
back.
> The ZF-6, 200,000 volt stun Gun is only $89.00 plus $6.00 for
> shipping. Includes Wrist strap, safety switch and belt clip.
TOM: But no battery.
> The 160,000 volt Stun Baton is 17 inches long, with a rubber handle
> and is a favorite among security guards.
CROW: And lonely housewives.
> Has a wrist strap making it
> easy to carry and use.
MIKE: Take it with you anywhere -- to church, school, or even the
family reunion.
> This is also great for joggers & walkers who fear dogs.
TOM: Take that, Fido! ZZZZZZAAAAPPPPP!!!!
> Sells for
> $99 and $8.00 shipping cost. This baton will also deliver a shock
> when touched 6 inches from the tip, to prevent an assailant from
> taking it away.
CROW: [as Ed Sullivan] Take it away, assailant!
> Send checks or money orders to Lynn Wells, 28510-C Tomball Pkwy Suite
> 138, Tomball, TX 77375. Shipping will take place as soon as checks
> clear.
MIKE: If checks do not clear, we will come to your house and aim
a stun gun at your mother's head. Consider yourself warned.
> We do not believe it is always safe to send cash through the mail and
> warn against it. Have security and peace of mind for a lifetime.
TOM: Move to Canada.
> Sincerely, Lynn Wells
>
CROW: Now there's one woman who doesn't have to worry about sexual
harassment.
> For more information call 281-356-6008
MIKE: Ask for "Twitchy Sam."
> or please e-mail:
> Z.Force@bigfoot.com
>
TOM: Wasn't "Z-Force" Steven J. Cannell's unsuccessful follow-up
to "The A-Team"?
> ----------
> NOTICE:
>
CROW: This spam will fail to self-destruct in 10 seconds.
> To be removed reply to this message with the word remove and only the
> word remove
ALL: And nothing BUT the word remove!
> in the subject line do not send messages in html format,
> or with file attachments, we cannot process these and you will not
> get removed from the mailing if we cannot process your message.
MIKE: [as Al Pacino] Just when I thought I was out, they pull me
back in.
[They get up to leave.]
TOM: The Stun Gun -- what could be a better gift?
CROW: [as Jerry Seinfeld] Frankly, I'm stunned that you would use
this on me.
[*, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, Dog bone]
[SATELLITE OF LOVE - BRIDGE]
[Mike and Tom are behind the console, mulling over their future. The
mood is pretty glum.]
TOM: So... looks like this could be our last experiment.
MIKE: Looks that way. You know what's strange, Tom? I *should*
be ecstatic right now...
TOM: ...But instead, you feel as hollow as a cheap chocolate
Easter bunny, right?
MIKE: Right. How did you know?
TOM: Because I feel the same way. It's going to be strange
leaving the Satellite after all this time. Speaking of
which, have you given any thought to what you'll do when
you're back on Earth?
MIKE: Well, my uncle Stan owns a drywall business. I guess I
could go work for him. I dunno... it'll seem pretty dull
after being in outer space, but at least it's a steady
paycheck. How 'bout you, Tom?
TOM: You don't have to worry about Tom Servo, my friend. No sir.
I plan to start my own long-distance service. I'm thinking
of calling it 1010-TOM-SERVO.
MIKE: So if people call that number, they'll save on their long-
distance calls?
TOM: Nope. Actually, they'll end up speaking to a fishmonger in
Oslo. I haven't figured out how I'm going to make a profit
on that. Oh, well, I'll cross that bridge when I come to it.
[Crow enters, looking drastically different. His eyes are now huge,
and his beak is tiny. He wears a green wig (with pigtails) and a
schoolgirl's uniform.]
CROW: Hey, guys. How do you like the new look?
MIKE: [stunned] Crow?!? What have you done to yourself?
CROW: I just gave myself a little makeover. If you must know,
I'm preparing myself for a new career. Once we're sent to
Earth, I plan to earn a living working as a model for
Japanese animators, hence the huge eyes and tiny nose.
MIKE: And the wig and schoolgirl outfit?
CROW: This is how Japanese "anime" characters dress, Mike. Keep up
with the times. I wanted a career that just screamed "late
1990s," and this was the most "late 1990s" one I could think
of. Well, other than being an instructor for swing dance
classes, but my body wasn't really built for that type of
work.
[Commercial sign blinks.]
MIKE: I see you've put a lot of thought into this.
CROW: Oh, I have. Nearly three whole minutes' worth. It's called
"planning for the future," Mike. Look into it.
MIKE: [to Cambot] And on that hopeful note, we'll be right back.
Probably.
[Commercial break.]
[SATELLITE OF LOVE - THEATER]
[Mike and the 'bots enter and take their seats. Crow no longer wears
the wig and schoolgirl uniform. His eyes and beak are their usual
size.]
MIKE: Say, Crow, what happened to the "Japanese animation" look?
CROW: Haven't you heard, Mike? Japanese animation is out. I've
now decided to make my living selling "JESSE VENTURA FOR
PRESIDENT" bumper stickers. How's THAT for "late 1990s?"
MIKE: I've got to admit, that's pretty darned "late 1990s."
TOM: Uh, in case you two trendhoppers haven't noticed, the
experiment is starting
>
> The Penguin's Withdrawal
CROW: ...From society occurred shortly after he started hanging
with the Unabomber.
> by Andrew Hicks
>
MIKE: Who *meant* well, really.
> Chapter One
>
TOM: It was a dark and stormy night... but, heck, *every* night in
Gotham City is dark and stormy!
> Friday the 15th in Gotham City is a rare occurrence indeed.
> Workers who are paid on the 15th and 30th and those paid every other
> Friday all deposit their paychecks in the city's banks.
CROW: A textbook example of how to open your story with a real
"grabber": describe banking procedures.
> But, that day,
> one crooked bird was out to make a withdrawal, a big withdrawal.
MIKE: [sinister] Little did he know, there'd be a substantial
penalty for early withdrawal.
> Penguin and his Finks stormed into the bank.
TOM: [as Penguin] Dammit! I'm not leaving until I get that free
toaster you promised me!
> Instantly,
> Penguin knocked out the two guards standing by the door with the
> gas from his Umbrella gun.
CROW: Uh, that gas wasn't from his umbrella gun...
> Hearing the thud from the fallen guards,
> the bank's many customers turned around. Penguin's Finks pointed
> their machine guns at the customers.
MIKE: Penguin's still robbing banks the old-fashioned way? He
really needs to get a computer.
> "Attention bank customers," Penguin announced. "I'm here
> to make a withdrawal, yes, a big withdrawal. Quack, quack, quack!"
TOM: [as Penguin] Don't let my adorable speech impediment fool you.
I'm really a master criminal!
> "Do you have an account here?" a male teller asked.
CROW: Even in a crisis situation, bank employees maintain their
snippy demeanor.
> Penguin pointed his Umbrella gun at the teller and shot some
> gas at him. The teller fell to the floor, unconscious.
MIKE: And he was only 15 minutes away from his coffee break, too.
> "If there's
> anything I hate, it's sarcasm!" he told the unconscious teller. He
> turned back to the customers.
TOM: [as Penguin] I am kicking butt and taking names! Quack,
quack, quack!
> "Now, if you all do what I say, no one
> will be injured." He pointed at a teller. "You: Act like a dog."
CROW: So drink from the toilet and lick myself...?
> Reluctantly, the teller got on all fours and began barking.
> "Just don't lift your leg! Quack, quack, quack!" Penguin
> laughed at his bad joke.
MIKE: But, on the inside, he's crying.
> He turned to a rich customer, a snobby
> woman. "You: Cackle like a chicken."
TOM: He has complete dominion over a roomful of people, and THIS
is the best he could come up with?
> Seeing the guns of Penguin's henchmen pointed at her, she
> had no choice. She began cackling like a chicken.
> "This is fun!" Penguin exclaimed.
CROW: Yeah, for HIM, maybe.
> Outside the bank, Dick Grayson was walking home from
> school.
MIKE: [as Dick] I swear, one more pep rally, and I'll blow my
brains out.
> When he passed by the bank, he cast a nonchalant glance
> through a window of the bank.
TOM: He's had his eye on that male teller for months now.
> He saw all the customers running
> around in circles with their arms outstretched, like airplanes.
CROW: Well, like Northwestern flights, anyway.
> He
> looked to the right to see Penguin's henchmen pointing semi-automatic
> machine guns at the customers and laughing.
MIKE: At least the customers are being treated more politely
than they would be on a *normal* day at the bank.
> He quickly ran behind
> the bank and pulled out his Robin costume from underneath the false
> bottom of his back-pack.
TOM: What if that costume fell out of his bag during the day? How
would he explain it?
CROW: [as Dick] They're... uh... my gym clothes.
> "Alright, stop! Fun's over!" Penguin ordered.
MIKE: And I didn't even realize it had started.
> He held up two
> varieties of loot sacks to the nearest teller. "Paper or plastic?" he
> asked the teller. He laughed at his joke.
TOM: The Penguin is basically an evil prop comic, isn't he?
CROW: Is there *another* kind of prop comic?
> The teller, meanwhile, wasn't so happy.
MIKE: Hey, wait a minute. The teller's supposed to be unconscious.
> "Well," he began,
> "The paper bags deplete the world's trees and thus reduce the oxygen
> supply."
TOM: [as Penguin] And the downside is...?
> Penguin was beginning to get impatient. "Then take a plastic
> bag."
CROW: ...And put it over the teller's head. Then get some duct
tape, and...
> "On the other hand," the teller continued. "Plastic bags
> use up a great deal of the world's crude oil resource in their
> processing."
MIKE: Not as much as Wayne Newton's hair, I'll bet.
> "So what do you suggest?" Penguin asked the teller.
TOM: I suggest that the plot get its ass in gear.
> The teller reached behind the counter and pulled out an
> alternative.
CROW: I'm preparing to avert my eyes now.
> "How about this cloth loot sack? It's reusable for your
> future crimes."
> "Sounds good to me," Penguin replied.
MIKE: [as Penguin] Actually, I was going to retire after this one,
but what the heck? There's an orphanage down the street
that's just *begging* to be robbed.
> The teller handed him the bag. "Congratulations. You're the
> world's first earth-friendly arch-criminal."
TOM: No, that would be Ted Turner.
> Penguin gave the other tellers cloth loot sacks to fill up
> with money. "Fill these up," he ordered.
CROW: Hey, where'd he get those other "loot sacks"? And where
do you buy loot sacks, anyway? Crooks 'R' Us?
> He walked back and forth,
> making sure the tellers obeyed him, while his henchmen pointed their
> semi-automatics at the idle customers.
MIKE: Penguin's got a classic Napoleon complex.
> While Penguin wasn't looking,
> one of the tellers managed to trip a silent alarm.
>
TOM: Their *old* alarm used to bray like Jerry Lewis.
> Meanwhile, in the Batcave, deep below stately Wayne Manor,
> the teller's silent plea was heard.
CROW: So alarms just bypass the police and go straight to Batman?
TOM: Saves time by cutting out the middle men.
> The alarm went off in the corner
> of the Batcave. Batman ran over to the corner of the Batcave and
> turned off the alarm.
MIKE: [as Batman] Lemme just press the "snooze" button.
> "That's the alarm from the Gotham National Bank," Batman
> said to himself. "Someone must be robbing it!"
CROW: He *is* the World's Greatest Detective!
> He ran over to the
> Batmobile and jumped it. Batman raced off to the bank to avert the
> deadly robbery.
TOM: Somehow, it's just not the same without the theme music.
> Meanwhile, Robin entered the bank with the same intention.
> "Surrender, Penguin!" Robin yelled.
MIKE: Or Dorothy, whichever.
> Everyone in the room turned around to look at Robin.
> Penguin's henchmen pointed their semi-automatics at Robin as
> Penguin approached him.
CROW: Do you have to say "semi-automatics" *every* time? Can't
you just say "guns" at this point.
> "Robin, as one bird to another: Fly away!"
> he ordered.
TOM: [as Penguin] And yellow is *not* your color. Quack, quack,
quack.
> "Never, Penguin!" Robin exclaimed.
> "You are truly stupid, Boy Wonder," Penguin said.
MIKE: [as Robin] Why, thank you! I've always considered myself
a fairly... [suddenly realizes he's been insulted] HEY!
> "I gave
> you a chance to get away with your life by walking out that door and
> you blew it!
CROW: Robin should never try to do anything on his own.
> Now you'll become my prime hostage. With four machine
> guns pointed on you, you must obey my every order!"
> Robin gulped.
TOM: You're right, Crow. Robin's sort of a wimp without Batman.
> "Now, Robin, do a ballet dance on the bank's floor,"
> Penguin instructed.
> "What?!" Robin exclaimed.
MIKE: [as Robin] But I've had no time to limber up my muscles!
> "You heard me. Dance!"
CROW: [as Penguin] And none of that "Lord of the Dance" crap,
either. I mean *real* dancing!
> Robin looked at the guns which were aimed at his head. He
> remembered one of Batman's sayings, "Embarrassment is always better
> than death."
TOM: Robin recites that every time he puts on his costume.
> Robin slowly walked out to the bank's floor and began
> doing a ballet dance.
MIKE: And immediately, a PBS Pledge Drive breaks out.
> He was very graceful and it was obvious he had
> taken lessons. His cape twirled as he pirouetted.
CROW: [as Robin] I wonder what Aqualad or Kid Flash would do in
this situation.
> Penguin quacked in delight.
TOM: Being the fan of ballet that he was.
>
> Chapter Two
MIKE: With James Caan as Batman and Marsha Mason as Aunt Harriet.
> The Batmobile pulled up outside the bank. Batman jumped
> out and ran around to the bank door.
CROW: Good thing this is just a fanfic. That's a little too much
physical activity for Adam West to handle.
> He tried it, but it was locked.
> He went to the Mobile Batphone in the Batmobile and called
> Commissioner Gordon.
TOM: [as Batman] Sorry, Commissioner, I did all I could, but the
door just won't open.
> Chief O'Hara answered the phone. "Top o' the morning,
> bigora."
MIKE: [as O'Hara] You've reached "Stereotypes Anonymous."
> "Salutations," Batman greeted.
CROW: [as Batman] This is a courtesy call. Sir, have you ever
considered investing in utility belts?
> "Huh?"
> "Hello," Batman added.
> "Oh."
TOM: [as Batman] Chief O'Hara must not have used that "Word-a-day"
Calendar I got him for Christmas.
> "Is Commissioner Gordon present?"
> "What?" Chief O'Hara asked.
> "Is he there?" Batman was beginning to get impatient.
MIKE: And how did the author think *readers* would respond to this
dialogue?
> "No, the Commissioner's out," Chief O'Hara told Batman.
> "What can I do for you?"
CROW: Well, for one thing you can... <BLEEEEEEEP!>
> "Tell the Commissioner that the Gotham National Bank is
> being plundered," Batman said.
> "Plundered?" Chief O'Hara was confused again.
TOM: Has Chief O'Hara been painting in a poorly-ventilated area?
> "Ransacked," Batman added. "Held up, knocked over, ripped off,
> stuck up, hijacked, pilfered, stolen, hustled, swindled, pillaged,
> ravaged."
MIKE: Ravaged? I don't think Penguin intends to go *that* far.
> Batman's mind was an unabridged thesaurus.
CROW: Which explains his limited motor skills.
> At each word Batman listed, the Chief became even more
> confused.
TOM: Even *he* began to wonder why this conversation is taking so
damned long!
> "Filched," Batman tried.
> "Oh, so you're saying it was plundered?" O'Hara guessed.
MIKE: Not since the heyday of "Small Wonder" have we seen such
witty comedic dialogue.
> Batman sighed. "Yes, the Gotham National Bank's being
> robbed as I vociferate."
> "Vociferate?"
CROW: Okay, even _I_ don't know what "vociferate" means.
TOM: Considering you're such an obvious mooncalf, I'm not
surprised.
CROW: I'm an obvious *what* now?
TOM: You know -- a ninnyhammer, a merry-andrew, a gudgeon, an
addle-pate!
CROW: Are you trying to say I'm fat?
> "Never mind," Batman replied. "Send some men out here
> immediately. Do you think you can do that?"
> "Maybe..."
TOM: [as O'Hara] The real question is: "Do I *want* to?"
> "Chief, in all your incredible stupidity, how did you
> ever reach such a high position?" Batman asked.
MIKE: [as O'Hara] Why, I took the elevator, of course.
[Tom and Crow groan.]
> "My sister's married to the mayor," Chief O'Hara explained.
CROW: So the chief of police of a major city is a useless doorknob
who got his job through nepotism, huh? Sounds plausible.
> "It figures," Batman told him. "Your sister's stupid enough to
> marry Mayor Linseed and he's stupid enough to acquiesce."
TOM: C'mon, Batman, you're setting yourself up here.
> "Acquiesce?" Chief O'Hara was puzzled again.
> "Not again!"
>
MIKE: Was that scene supposed to amuse us or make us suicidal?
> Five scant minutes later, inside Gotham National Bank,
> Penguin and his Finks, ignorant of Batman's presence outside, were
> finished looting the bank.
CROW: It turns out all they wanted was change for the subway.
> One of the hostages was hysterical.
TOM: He did this great Clinton impression.
> "Oh no! I'm going to die!!
MIKE: [as hostage] I've eaten bacon every day for the last 40
years!
> I'll never see my wife and kids again!!! It looks like the end!!!!
> We're all going to die!!!!!"
CROW: [as hostage] I mean EVENTUALLY, not right now necessarily!
> "No, you're not all going to die," Penguin corrected. "Only
> you will." Penguin pointed his umbrella at the screaming hostage.
TOM: Funny, but I don't ever remember Burgess Meredith being like
this.
> "Impending doom! Oh God, no!" the hostage exclaimed.
MIKE: And he's a member of Up With People, oddly enough.
> "I can arrange for you to meet God," Penguin said, pointing a
> gun at him. "Right now."
CROW: He knows Bill Gates personally.
> "I'd rather wait until I'm 70 or 80," the hostage replied,
> shutting up.
TOM: Either he's replying or he's shutting up. It can't be both.
> "Quick, now we make our getaway!" Penguin instructed.
MIKE: Am I being nitpicky to point out that if Penguin hadn't
wasted so much time, they could've been long gone by now?
TOM: Yes, Mike. Yes you are.
> "You'll never get away with this, Penguin!" Robin yelled.
CROW: [as Robin] And you can kiss that sneaker endorsement
goodbye!
> "Oh, come on, Robin. Even you have to admit this was a
> perfect crime," Penguin replied.
TOM: [as Penguin] C'mon, admit it's the perfect crime.
MIKE: [as Robin, pouting] No.
TOM: [as Penguin] Aw, g'head. It's perfect, admit it!
MIKE: [as Robin] I said no!
> "I have the perfect hostage and the
> cops haven't even arrived yet."
CROW: Well, they *would* have if Batman weren't dazzling them with
his vocabulary!
> As he finished his last sentence, several police cars pulled
> up outside the bank with their sirens wailing.
TOM: Actually, they can't afford sirens, so they just play Yoko
Ono tapes really loud.
> "Great, the cops are here," Penguin snapped. "We'll have to
> switch to plan B."
>
MIKE: [as Penguin] Give ourselves up and hire Johnny Cochran to
defend us in court.
> Outside, Commissioner Gordon got out of his car. Batman
> met him in the middle of the street.
CROW: And after a challenging game of Trivial Pursuit, they got
down to business.
> "Commissioner, Chief O'Hara said you were out of your
> office," Batman recalled.
> "I was out, Batman," Commissioner Gordon said.
TOM: Translation -- he's sleeping with his secretary.
> "I was in
> the bathroom all morning with a terrible case of constipation. It was
> probably that cheese log I had for lunch yesterday."
MIKE: [as Batman] Thank you, Commissioner. I hadn't eaten yet,
and now, thanks to your story, I won't have to.
> "Yes, cheese'll do that to you, Commissioner," Batman
> agreed. "Drink some cranberry juice and your bowels will be up and
> running again."
CROW: Don't they have a hostage situation to attend to or
something?
> Batman's recommendation was interrupted by the ringing of
> the Mobile Batphone.
TOM: [as Batman] Damn those MCI bastards! When will they leave
me alone?
> Chief O'Hara, who was standing by the
> Batmobile, answered it.
> "Hello."
MIKE: Oh no! Not more "comic" relief, please!
> "Batman--"
> "I'm not Batman," Chief O'Hara interrupted.
CROW: [as Michael Keaton] I'm Batman.
TOM: No, you're not. George Kilmer is.
MIKE: You're both wrong. It's Val Clooney.
> "Are you sure?" Penguin asked.
> "I'm sure or me name ain't..." Chief O'Hara paused to
> recall his name.
CROW: I'm starting to think that the author doesn't respect Chief
O'Hara's intelligence.
> "Chief O'Hara," Penguin reminded him.
TOM: Chief *Scarlett* O'Hara.
CROW: The belle with a badge.
> "No, that's my name." Chief O'Hara paused again, more
> puzzled than ever.
MIKE: [as O'Hara] I am he as you are he as you are me and we are
all together.
> "Chief, guess who this is," Penguin said. "Quack, quack,
> quack!"
CROW: Daffy?
TOM: Donald?
MIKE: Howard?
> "The Joker!" Chief O'Hara exclaimed.
CROW: He thinks it's Steve Miller...?
> "I'll give you another clue.
TOM: The walrus was Paul.
> It's obvious that you need it,"
> Penguin replied. "I'm short and I waddle around, kind of like a
> penguin."
MIKE: [as O'Hara] Oh, you must be Dustin Hoffman!
> "Catwoman," Chief O'Hara guessed.
CROW: Geez... he's become Chief Tommy Chong.
> "I wear a top hat and chain smoke," he further spelled out.
TOM: Mr. Peanut!
> "Riddler?" Chief O'Hara asked.
> Batman came up behind him and took the phone out of his
> hands. "Penguin, what do you want?"
MIKE: [as Penguin] I just got my first wish when you took the
phone away from Chief O'Hara.
> "Here are my demands, Batman: I want a helicopter on the
> roof of the bank with a certified pilot and you as my hostage in 15
> minutes."
CROW: [as Penguin] And if it's at all possible, I want a shrimp
cocktail and the new Brandy album.
> "That's not possible," Batman replied.
> "Fine, Batman, then I'll just have to kill Robin," Penguin
> said.
TOM: [as Batman] Go ahead! I can always get another one!
> "No, you devil! You wouldn't!"
MIKE: At least not in a *real* "Batman episode.
> "You know full well I would, Batman."
CROW: [as Penguin] We *were* married for twelve years.
> "Then, I have no choice but to exceed to your demands,"
> Batman gave in.
TOM: Milquetoast Man!
> "You'll get your helicopter in 15 minutes and me as
> your hostage."
MIKE: [as Batman] But you can forget about the in-flight movie!
> "Did I say hostage? I meant love slave!" Penguin quacked in
> amusement and hung up the phone.
CROW: Hey! Penguin's stepping on *our* lines!
> Batman gulped. He hoped Penguin was joking.
TOM: Hey, man, don't knock it til you've tried it.
> He hung up
> the Batphone and turned to the Commissioner. "He wants a copter on
> the roof.
MIKE: [as Batman] Let's borrow one from the touring company of
"Miss Saigon."
> I'm afraid you'll have to arrange for that, Commissioner,
> while I execute my own plan."
CROW: In other words, hari-kari.
> Batman disappeared around the back of the building and
> Commissioner Gordon went over to the pay phone to arrange for the
> helicopter.
TOM: [as Gordon] Uh, hello... is this A&Z Party Rentals?
> Inside the bank an unveiling (or, more appropriately, an
> unmasking) was about to take place, as Penguin was going to unmask
> Robin!
MIKE: Thus ending his career as a Mexican wrestler.
> "Now, my anonymous nemesis, let's find out who you really
> are," Penguin said.
CROW: Boy, will *he* be disappointed when he finds out.
> Two of his henchmen were holding him so he
> couldn't get loose. Penguin pulled off his mask.
TOM: My God! It's Bob Uecker!
> "What's this?! He
> looks the same with the mask on as without it!"
MIKE: Like a younger Joel Grey!
> "Boss, who is he?" one of the henchmen asked Penguin.
CROW: [as henchman] And where did he buy those tights?
> "I don't know," Penguin replied. "The face looks familiar...
> vaguely."
TOM: He could be describing any cast member of a UPN show.
> Behind him, Batman crept in softly. Penguin heard him and
> grabbed Robin. "Batman, you're 15 minutes early!"
MIKE: [as Penguin] My soufflé isn't out of the oven yet.
> "Better to be three hours early than one second late," Batman
> preached.
CROW: A stitch in time saves nine.
TOM: He who hesitates is lost.
MIKE: Never eat spinach with a stranger.
> "Well, this time your promptness will do you in, Batman
> and Robin," Penguin replied.
CROW: [as Penguin] You'll be forced to endure fifteen extra
minutes of my campy, over-the-top villainy.
> "I hold this razor-sharp umbrella tip at
> Robin's throat.
TOM: [as Penguin] ...While balancing six teacups on my nose and
belching "Stars and Stripes Forever."
> If you or he move in the slightest, I'll plunge the
> point into Robin's throat, severing his jugular vein and ending his
> life!"
MIKE: [as Penguin] Actually, I'll do that even if you and he
*don't* move in the slightest.
> "YOU DEVIL!" Batman yelled.
CROW: No, that's Doug Herzog's job.
> Penguin quacked in agreement.
>
TOM: Penguin's got some self-esteem problems.
[They get up to leave the theater.]
MIKE: Boy, this story makes me nostalgic.
CROW: You mean for the whimsical, campy TV shows of the Sixties?
MIKE: No, for the time before fanfiction was readily available on
the Internet.
[*, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, Dog bone]
[SATELLITE OF LOVE - BRIDGE]
[Mike, Tom, Crow, and Gypsy are behind the console. Mike is dressed as
the Penguin, with a monocle, top hat, and prosthetic nose. He holds an
umbrella and jabs it menacingly at the 'bots.]
MIKE: [in Penguin voice] Okay, you three. You'll obey my every
command, understand? Quack, quack, quack!
BOTS: [mock terror] Yes, Mr. Penguin, sir!
MIKE: Good! Now, I want you [points to Crow] to bray like a mule.
I want you [points to Servo] to imitate Wallace Shawn. And
you... [points to Gypsy] I want you to hum "Shenendoah."
Are we all clear on...
[Suddenly, two men wearing beige jumpsuits and ballcaps enter, pushing
Mike and the 'bots out of their way. The "Penguin" skit stops.]
MAN #1: Okay, Dave... you get on that side, I'll get on this side.
We'll need to unscrew it at the base.
MAN #2: Right, Huey.
[The first man stands on the right side of the console, while the
second walks over to the left side. They both crouch down below the
frame and disappear from sight. We hear the sound of two power screw-
drivers whirring away.]
TOM: What in the...?
MIKE: What are you guys doing here?
[The first man stands up again.]
HUEY: Oh, didn't Mrs. Forrester tell ya?
MIKE: Obviously not.
HUEY: We're from the Get Tough Collection Agency. We're repo-ing
this T-679Z Deluxe Ergonomic Control Console.
MIKE: What for?
HUEY: Mrs. Forrester couldn't keep up the payments. Sorry, but
rules are rules. [to the second man] Hey, Dave, are you
ready over there?
[The second man stands up.]
DAVE: Ready as I'll ever be.
HUEY: Okay, then. Let's haul this mother outta here.
[And just like that, Dave and Huey pick up the console and lug it out
of the room, leaving Mike and the 'bots in a very empty SOL bridge.
There is a moment of silence, as our heroes are stunned by what has
just happened. Finally, Gypsy speaks.]
GYPSY: This room could use a plant.
[The lights above the vault door flash on and off, but there is no
accompanying siren.]
TOM: Uh, guys, I think we have fanfic sign.
CROW: How can you tell?
TOM: Look behind you.
[They do. It's true.]
MIKE: Ahhhh!!!!! We *do* have Fanfic sign!!!!!
[Dog bone, 6, 5, 4, 3, 2, *]
[SATELLITE OF LOVE - THEATER]
CROW: Don't worry, Mike. If company comes over we'll just tell
'em we're going for a "minimalist" look.
MIKE: [sighing] I guess so.
>
> Chapter Three
CROW: Is this the one where we break up but we give it just one
more chance?
TOM: No, that's Chapter Four. In Chapter Three, we remember the
meaning of romance.
CROW: Oh.
> "As you see, Batman, I've already unmasked your longtime
> companion, here, to no avail," Penguin said.
MIKE: "Longtime companion?" Is he implying that Batman and Robin
are MORE than just ward and mentor?
> "Unfortunately, I can't
> recognize the face. So, now, Batman, you will remove your cowl so I
> can see your true identity."
TOM: But will he ever take the time to REALLY get to know Batman?
> "Never! No matter what the cost, I cannot reveal my secret,
> true identity," Batman replied.
CROW: [as Batman] I'd never admit that I'm really Bruce Wayne,
millionaire playboy. D'OH!
> "The cost is very high today, Batman," the Penguin answered.
> "Look around you! I have 30 hostages here.
MIKE: [as Penguin] And I'm willing to force them to perform puppet
shows, if that's what it takes!
> I'll just keep killing
> those hostages until you comply!"
TOM: Penguin really needs a hug.
> "Penguin, you monster!" Batman exclaimed.
CROW: That wasn't a very good "snap."
> Penguin's Finks held Robin while Penguin took out a
> machine gun. "Alright, who goes first?"
MIKE: No, it's "Who's on first, What's on second, I Don't Know's
on third."
> All the hostages pointed at the hostage who had been
> screaming his head off all afternoon about how he was too young to
> die.
TOM: I thought they'd volunteer THEMSELVES just to get out of
this fanfic.
> "I thought so," Penguin said to the hostages. "This guy'll be
> a pleasure to kill."
CROW: [as Penguin] But first, I'll waste just enough time for
Batman to think of a plan.
> He took one of the semi-automatics and pointed
> it at the doomed hostage. "On the third quack, I fire. Quack, quack--"
MIKE: [comical Southern accent] Pappy, what comes after "quack"
in countin'?
> He was interrupted by the sound of the helicopter on the roof.
TOM: Santa's gone high-tech.
> His Finks grabbed Batman and Robin and forced them to walk up the
> steps to the roof. Penguin followed.
CROW: [as Batman] Don't you DARE look up my tights, Penguin!
> They walked across the roof to
> the waiting helicopter.
MIKE: It's Gus Van Sant's recreation of "A Hard Day's Night."
> On the way, a police officer who was stationed
> on the roof across the street, per Commissioner Gordon's counterplot,
> began shooting at Penguin.
TOM: But he missed and hit a busload of nuns and orphans.
> Penguin ducked behind an air vent and pulled out his
> machine gun. He began shooting back at the cop, but all his shots
> missed.
CROW: Bad guys' guns always do that.
> Penguin bolted across the roof and got in the helicopter,
> where Batman and Robin were tied up in the back seat.
MIKE: [flustered] Hey, how did...? I mean, who...?
TOM: C'mon, Mike, you can't expect the story to be coherent at
THIS stage in the game.
> The helicopter took off. Penguin told the pilot where to fly
> and they were on their way to Penguin's secret hideout.
CROW: Luckily, he built it right next door to the Fortress of
Solitude.
> "Holy Insects, Batman! The people look like ants from here."
> Robin pointed down to the street below.
MIKE: [as Robin] Ohmygod! Those ARE ants... giant ants!
CROW: [as Robin] Holy "Them!"
> "Robin!" Batman reprimanded him.
TOM: [as Batman] Please use the proper nomenclature!
> "Go ahead, Robin, enjoy the view," Penguin said. "It will be
> your last. Quack, quack, quack!"
>
MIKE: That's why Penguin never made it as a flight attendant. He
was always saying stuff like that.
> Scarcely ten minutes later, in a forest south-east of Gotham
> City, the helicopter landed.
CROW: Splattering Bambi and Thumper in the process.
> Penguin got out and swept away leaves to
> reveal a trapdoor leading to his secret underground hideout.
TOM: He shares a condo with Bugs Bunny.
> He pulled
> open the trapdoor and forced Batman and Robin down the ladder into
> the hideaway.
MIKE: But when do they get to the Amontillado?
> Penguin turned to the Tied-up Terminators.
CROW: "Tied-Up Terminators" -- the softcore bondage version of
James Cameron's sci-fi classic.
> "You have to
> admit this secret hideout is ingenious. No one would ever think of
> looking here."
TOM: No one except Elmer Fudd.
> "Not so ingenious, Penguin," Batman corrected. "We know
> where this hideout is."
MIKE: [as Batman] And we're going to spread the information all
around school tomorrow!
> "Have you ever heard the expression, `Dead men tell no
> tales?'" Penguin asked.
CROW: Nope. Have you ever seen the movie, "Dead Men Don't Wear
Plaid?"
> "Holy Cadavers!" Robin exclaimed.
TOM: Robin, that's no way to talk about the Eucharist.
MIKE: [sings] Holy, holy cadavers
I'm gonna reach out and grab yers...
> "You mean..."
> "No, I just wondered if you'd heard that expression," Penguin
> replied.
CROW: [as Penguin] I was thinking of using that as the title of
my upcoming solo album. Quack, quack, quack!
> "Since you haven't, I guess I have to kill you."
>
TOM: Penguin's all talk. He hasn't killed ANYBODY yet.
> Penguin transported them to another room with a phone
> booth.
MIKE: Coincidentally, Clark Kent was using it to change clothes.
> Batman was locked up in the phone booth while Robin was tied
> to a chair beside the booth.
CROW: Hey, we've got the makings of an Almodóvar film here.
> Penguin approached the locked booth. "Batman, this is the
> last room you'll ever occupy."
TOM: [as Penguin] Unless you can somehow miraculously escape,
like you did the first 1,763 times I tried this.
> "That's where you're wrong," Batman replied. "You forgot
> about my coffin, the funeral parlor, the morgue, the--"
MIKE: [as Batman] --kitchen at the Chinese restaurant.
> "It's the last room you'll ever occupy alive," Penguin
> interrupted.
CROW: [as Penguin] So I'll have to have a security deposit.
> "That's more like it. One more question."
> "Go on..."
TOM: [as Batman] Will you still love me tomorrow?
> "What villainous scheme do you have in mind for Robin?"
> Batman asked.
MIKE: Wouldn't it be great if, for once, the villain DIDN'T reveal
his plans to the hero?
> "I plan to use my Hypnotizing Penguin Beam to put him
> under my power.
CROW: The Hypnotizing Penguin Beam -- another 3M innovation!
> Then, I'll force him into a wild crime spree and order
> him to break all the arch-criminals out of Gotham State Penitentiary.
TOM: [as Batman] Why not just force him to watch cheesy movies?
MIKE: [as Penguin] No, that's too cruel even for ME!
> After that, he'll assassinate the president and declare war on the
> entire world."
CROW: Uh, this is Robin we're talking about. Is he up to the job?
> "You devil!" Batman exclaimed.
TOM: You need to write some new material, Bats.
> "Once that happens, the nuclear
> devastation that results will destroy the world and offset the balance
> of the universe, causing a massive implosion that will end the
> existence of matter!"
MIKE: But on the bright side -- no more Aaron Spelling shows!
CROW: How, exactly, is this plan financially lucrative for the
Penguin? I don't get it.
> "Holy World War III!" Robin exclaimed.
TOM: Sheesh, he'll blaspheme at the drop of a hat.
> "I have one last question," Batman said.
MIKE: [as Batman] Do androids dream of electric sheep?
> "You already asked it," Penguin reminded him.
> "Well, I have one more question--two, actually."
CROW: [as Batman] First, is there a God? Second, if there *is*
a God, how do you explain "Suddenly Susan"?
> "I know you're trying to stall so you can prolong your
> agonizing death, but go ahead.
TOM: Did Penguin learn NOTHING from all those James Bond movies?
> No amount of knowledge will save you
> from your impending doom!"
> "You're a penguin, right?"
MIKE: Well, he's *the* Penguin, to be exact.
> "That was a stupid question! You know I'm a penguin."
> "If you're a penguin, why do you always quack?" Batman
> asked. "Only ducks quack!"
CROW: Oh no! Batman's becoming Andy Rooney!
> "That's a very good question, Batman," Penguin replied.
> "Have you ever heard a penguin make any noise?"
> "Well..." Batman thought. "No."
TOM: Then you've obviously never been to a "Penguins of Rock"
festival.
> "Right. A penguin makes no noise.
MIKE: Well, they crunch when you step on them.
> As a master criminal, I
> had to adopt a trademark noise. Joker and Riddler have their demented
> laughs, Catwoman has her purr, and so on.
CROW: Mr. Freeze has his... uh... What the hell does Mr. Freeze
have?
> Since a penguin makes no
> noise, I had to look to another animal for a trademark--a duck.
TOM: Well, I can certainly see how you... HUH?!?
> With its characterized quack, it's very recognizable, and now, so
> am I. Does that answer your question?"
MIKE: Yeah, if there's one thing a criminal wants, it's to be
instantly recognizable.
> "I guess so," Batman replied.
> "Now we can get down to business," Penguin said. "You are
> encased in that telephone booth.
CROW: Brace yourselves. Here comes The Explanation.
> After I leave, I'll push a button
> that will begin your slow death. The booth will fill up with water
> and will continue filling until you drown. Quack, quack, quack!"
TOM: Just as I figured -- another slow-functioning death machine
that doesn't work.
> "A duck indeed," Batman said under his breath.
MIKE: Uh, Bats, you might want to pay closer attention to what
Penguin is saying.
> "Holy Finales, Batman!" Robin exclaimed.
> "Yes, this looks like the end, Robin!"
CROW: Not even close. We have a whole other story still to go!
> Penguin laughed and left the room. Soon, the booth began to
> fill.
TOM: But Penguin hasn't pushed the button yet.
MIKE: It didn't say "began to fill with WATER," Tom.
> "Robin, I've managed to loosen one hand."
CROW: [as Batman] Care for a final game of Rock, Paper, Scissors?
MIKE: You showed admirable restraint there, Crow.
CROW: Thanks. It wasn't easy.
> "What is it with you and that hand, Batman?" Robin asked.
[Crow starts to sputter. Steam rises up from his head.]
TOM: Stay strong, Crow. Don't give in to temptation!
> "Every time we're about to die, you always loosen that hand, reach
> into your Utility Belt, pull out some Batgadget, and save us from
> certain death."
MIKE: [feigning shock] You mean "Batman" episodes follow... a
FORMULA?!? I don't believe it!
> "And you're complaining?"
CROW: [as Batman] Oy, these kids today!
> "No..." Robin said.
> "Robin, I have a plan."
TOM: [as Batman] We've both been good people. Let's let Penguin
kill us. We'll both go straight to Heaven.
> Batman picked up the phone inside
> the booth. He heard a dial-tone. "Robin, there's a working phone in
> this phone booth!
ALL: Boooooo!!! Hisssss!!!
MIKE: I call a penalty for Illegal Use of Lame Plot Contrivance.
> Now, if I can call Police Headquarters and get Chief
> O'Hara to send his men over here, we may be saved."
CROW: Unfortunately, this means will have to endure more "comical"
banter, I'm afraid.
> "But the entrance to the hideout is camouflaged," Robin
> reminded him.
TOM: It's buried beneath unsold Hootie and the Blowfish albums.
> "It's covered by dead leaves. Chief O'Hara would never
> find it in time."
MIKE: Chief O'Hara couldn't find his own ass with a roadmap.
CROW: Why would Chief O'Hara's ass *be* on a roadmap, Mike?
> "Robin, I have an alternate plan," Batman continued.
TOM: [as Robin] If it involves wetting ourselves, I'm *way* ahead
of you, Batman.
> "What is it?" Robin asked.
> "I don't know," Batman replied.
MIKE: He's Vinnie Barbarino all of a sudden.
CROW: [as Barbarino] What? Where?
> "Then how do you know if it will work?" Robin said.
TOM: [as Batman] Because I'm a gol'danged SUPERHERO! That's how!
> "If it doesn't, I can go to my alternate alternate plan, and
> that one never fails!" Batman exclaimed.
>
MIKE: [as Batman] But be forewarned -- it involves Donny & Marie.
> In the next room, Penguin and his henchmen were rejoicing
> in the fruits of Penguin's labor.
CROW: Uh, don't the henchmen care that Penguin's ultimate plan is
to blow everything up... INCLUDING them?
> "I knew this plot would be my best from the onset," Penguin
> said.
TOM: [as Penguin] From the very first "table read," I knew this
one was a winner.
> "I rob the bank, then eliminate Batman, and with Robin under
> my power, I take over the world. I love this plot!"
MIKE: How does having Robin under your power get you any closer
to taking over the world?
> "Do you think it's better than that one the Joker just
> pulled?" a henchman asked.
CROW: What did *he* do, get Marvin & Wendy under his power?
> "Much better," Penguin replied. "That clown couldn't think
> up anything good, he had to commit crimes based on holidays! Is that
> stupid, or what?"
TOM: [as Penguin] I mean, robbing a drug store on Arbor Day?
Puh-lease!
> "Yeah, Pengy, you're much more original than the Joker," the
> henchman praised.
MIKE: He's the Wayland Smithers of crime.
> "You're a criminal genius. Who'd ever think of
> robbing a bank?"
CROW: [as henchman] Robbing a bank IN PERSON, that is.
> By this time, the water had passed Batman's waist. His
> alternate plan was being put into effect.
TOM: Y'mean the one about wetting himself?
MIKE: Okay, I propose a moratorium on incontinence jokes. Agreed?
BOTS: Agreed.
> "Now, if I can just reach
> into my Utility Belt..."
MIKE: [as Batman] ...And get out my rubber duckie...
> Batman pulled his waterproof Batglass Cutter from his utility
> Belt.
CROW: Don't you think the Utility Belts are a little heavy to lug
around? I mean, there's a REASON Bob Vila doesn't do wind-
sprints with his toolbelt on!
> He proceeded to cut the glass and all the water drained from
> the phone booth.
TOM: He then jimmied open the coin box.
> Outside, Penguin and his Finks were counting their money.
MIKE: Meanwhile, the Queen was in the parlor, eating bread and
honey.
> "Four for you and four for me," Penguin said, giving each of
> his four henchmen $100, while giving himself $400.
CROW: They only got 800 lousy bucks? Some bank heist!
TOM: Egghead doesn't get out of bed for less than a thou'.
> "I still think this
> is my best plot ever," he said to his henchmen.
MIKE: [as Penguin] Of all my colossal failures, this one is the
best by far.
> "Better than the time you opened that restaurant where the
> millionaires wrote out their orders complete with their signatures,
CROW: A restaurant with a "millionaires-only" seating policy?
> and then you tried to get arrested so you could contact the forger in
> the adjacent cell and get the millionaires' signatures transferred to
> blank checks?" the henchman asked, out of breath.
TOM: That plan would NEVER work. It's a proven fact that most
millionaires are functionally illiterate and sign their names
with an "X."
> "Much better," Penguin replied. "With Batman out of the
> way and Robin under my power, I will emerge as world ruler!"
MIKE: [as Penguin] Unless of course, some OTHER villain gets some
OTHER sidekick under his power.
> "Only if you can rule from inside the prison, Penguin," Batman
> interrupted.
CROW: No problem. John Gotti's been doing that for years.
> Penguin turned around and his eyes got wide when he saw
> that Batman and Robin were both loose.
TOM: You'd think he'd be *used* to it by now.
> "Batman, how'd you get out
> of that phone booth?"
MIKE: [as Penguin] And why aren't you wearing pants?
> "It was easy," Batman said. "Thanks to the Batglass Cutter
> in my Utility Belt."
CROW: I don't want to tell Pengy how to run his business, but
shouldn't he have taken the Utility Belt away WHILE BATMAN
WAS TIED UP?!?
> "You carry a Batglass Cutter around?" Penguin asked
> amazed at Batman's arsenal.
TOM: Oh, you can *kiss* my arsenal.
> "As I heard the bank's alarm go off in the Batcave, I figured
> out your entire plot," Batman began.
MIKE: May I remind you that you *are* under oath, Batman?
> "I came here, expecting to be
> drowned in a phone booth, so I was prepared with my Batglass
> Cutter."
CROW: This is clearly perjury. I say we vote to impeach.
> "Well, that Batglass Cutter isn't going to do you any good
> now, Batman!" Penguin exclaimed. "Get them, Finks!"
TOM: So the Batglass Cutter is powerless against flesh?
> Penguin's four henchmen attacked the Dynamic Duo. Batman
> took a chair and broke it over one of their backs.
MIKE: It's not as fun without the wacky sound effects.
CROW: "Zonk! Biff! Thwack!" How's that, Mike?
MIKE: Ah, that's the stuff.
> He was out cold.
> Robin swung a bag full of money, which cold-cocked another
> henchman.
TOM: It would suck being a henchman. You're generic, easily
replaceable, underpaid, constantly being beaten up...
> Batman and Robin overturned a table and crashed it into the
> remaining henchmen.
CROW: Good thing Pengy owns all that balsa wood furniture.
> Batman stepped over the unconscious goons.
> "Now it's your turn, Penguin."
MIKE: [as Batman] Prepare to feel the wrath of Adam West's stunt
double!
> "Not yet, Batman!" Penguin took out his Umbrella Gun and
> sprayed some of his Penguin Gas at Batman and Robin.
TOM: Phew! Light a match!
> "Don't waste your time, Penguin," Batman advised Penguin.
> "We both took anti-Penguin Gas pills before we were brought here.
CROW: He means he took Beano before he left.
> No amount of your gas will harm us in the least."
MIKE: [as Batman] And don't blame it on the dog, either.
> "What next, Batman?" Penguin asked.
TOM: [as Penguin] I mean, are we seeing other people now?
> "You're about to begin a journey you should know quite well
> by now, Penguin," Batman said. "Up the river!"
CROW: [as Penguin] Gotta think of a snappy retort... Damn! I got
nothin'! Quack, quack, quack!
> Epilogue
MIKE: [sings] There's got to be a morning after...
> The next morning, in stately Wayne Manor, Aunt Harriet
> perused the news.
TOM: [as Harriet] Oh my. I'll never buy Altoids again.
> "And the Dynamic Duo really earned their name today as
> they averted the Penguin's bank robbery," the anchorman reported.
CROW: Actually, they didn't avert diddly squat.
TOM: They just coped well with the *aftermath* of the robbery.
> Aunt Harriet turned off the news. "Oh, Bruce, this makes me
> so concerned about you."
> "Why's that?"
MIKE: [as Bruce] Because if you're implying that I'm really
Batman, it's totally, completely, 100% not true!
> "With crime so rampant today, don't you think your vast
> fortune would be safer in a bank?" Aunt Harriet asked.
TOM: [as Harriet] Must you wear that tuxedo made of $1000 bills?
> "Aunt Harriet, you heard the news yourself," Bruce told her.
> "Banks get robbed a lot more than private wall safes."
CROW: [as Harriet] So THAT'S where you've been keeping the dough!
Uh, would you excuse me a minute...?
> "Then, how about Savings & Loan?" she suggested.
> "Aunt Harriet, S & L is screwed!" Dick exclaimed.
MIKE: [as Dick] Unlike me.
> Aunt Harriet fainted at the vulgar language.
>
TOM: [as Bruce] Quick! Hogtie her and put her in the trunk of the
Batmobile. We'll dump her outside of Gotham!
> E-Mail Andrew at c667778@showme.missouri.edu
CROW: After this, Missouri will become the "Please Don't Show Me
Any More! I've Seen Plenty!" State.
> Copyright 1992 Andrew Hicks / Fatboy Productions
>
MIKE: Now known as Boy With Glandular Disorder Productions.
[They get up to leave.]
TOM: Penguin should have read Dr. Laura's "Ten Stupid Things Bad
Guys Do to Mess Up Their Schemes."
[*, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, Dog bone]
[SATELLITE OF LOVE - BRIDGE]
[For some reason, Mike is talking into a Campbell's soup can with a
string coming out the end of it. He seems to be engaged in a tele-
phone conversation.]
MIKE: [nodding] Mmm-mmm... Sure... I understand.... [etc.]
[Tom and Crow enter.]
CROW: Holy pop art! What's Mike doing with that soup can?
TOM: Don't you remember? With our console repossessed, this is
the only way we can communicate with Castle Forrester.
CROW: With tin cans with string?
TOM: What can I say? Sometimes, you gotta go back to the old
reliables of communication.
[Mike's conversation seems to be coming to an end.]
MIKE: Okay, Pearl, I'll tell them. You stay strong now, hear?
Bye.
[Mike looks for a place to set the soup can down, but there's not any
furniture in the bridge, so he merely lets the can drop to the floor.]
CROW: What did Mrs. Forrester say, Mike?
MIKE: Well, guys, it's official. The experiment is... shutting
down. Pearl is out of money, and Denny's refuses to give
her an advance on her salary.
TOM: Poor Pearl. But still, it's great news for us. I mean, this
is what we've always wanted, right? Freedom?
CROW: I guess so. I just never thought it'd end like *this*.
MIKE: How *did* you think it would end?
CROW: I dunno. I pictured something more Lucas-esque... like us
getting control of the Satellite and using it to blow Castle
Forrester into smithereens in a spectacular orgy of pyro-
technics.
MIKE: C'mon, Crow, what kind of special effects budget do you
think we've got here?
CROW: You're right, Mike. What was I thinking?
[Commercial sign blinks.]
MIKE: We'll be right back after these words from K-Mart.
[COMMERCIAL BREAK]
[SATELLITE OF LOVE - THEATER]
[Mike and the 'bots enter and take their seats.]
TOM: Let's savor this one, like it's our last Life Saver in the
roll. Suck every bit of flavor out of it.
CROW: I have a feeling the *story* will be doing the sucking.
TOM: Oh, come on. Give it a chance.
>
>
> The last unfinished Batman story is actually finished, but it's so
> short and plotless I decided to include it among the unfinished
> Batman stories anyway.
MIKE: Hey, don't oversell it or anything.
> There's a reason for the thin plot and short
> length, however.
TOM: [as Andrew Hicks] I was totally baked when I wrote it.
> "Joker's Fountain of Youth" was turned in as an
> assignment for my fall 1992 Creative Writing class.
CROW: Oh, so if it's for class, *any* piece of crap is good
enough, huh?
>
> "Joker's Fountain of Youth"
MIKE: It turns out to be Oil of Olay.
TOM: So THAT'S what that white stuff on his face is.
> Morning in Gotham City,
CROW: The utility belts are a little tighter.
TOM: The bat-poles are a little more slippery.
> and in the studios of KGCR, the
> daily morning talk show was already in progress.
MIKE: I wonder how many yokels have called in just to hear their
voices on the air by now.
> The guest on the
> show that day was Professor Herb "Ponce" DeLeon, who had perfected
> a formula for perpetual youth.
CROW: Phew! I thought it was going to be Ted Nugent! Blecch!
> The newscaster began the interview. "So what exactly does
> your potion do?"
TOM: [as DeLeon] It kills you instantly. That way, you never get
any older.
> "It's a secret formula that allows the recipient to remain
> young forever," DeLeon explained.
MIKE: Pepsi makes pretty much the same claim.
> "I call it 'DeLeon's Fountain of
> Youth.'"
CROW: Since "carbolic acid" was already taken.
> "How about a demonstration?" the newscaster asked. "I'd be
> happy to drink it." She laughed at her joke.
TOM: What joke?
MIKE: The Andrew Hicks trademark -- people laughing at their own
nonexistent jokes.
> "Do you have $100,000?" DeLeon replied with a straight face.
CROW: [as DeLeon] If not, I know a way you could earn it.
> The newscaster scowled. "$100,000? Are you serious?"
TOM: [as newscaster] That's nearly two weeks' salary.
> "Quite serious," DeLeon said. "It's a small price to pay for
> perpetual youth."
MIKE: Who'd WANT perpetual youth? I mean, think about it -- acne,
braces, peer pressure. Youth sucks!
> "$100,000 is an awfully big price," the newscaster replied in
> the way newscasters do when they're trying to humor their guests.
CROW: So, real condescending and snotty?
> "How can we be sure it works? You're still an old man. That so-called
> 'magic potion' hasn't affected you any!"
TOM: You tell him, girlfriend!
> "That's because I haven't drunk the formula yet," DeLeon
> explained. "I've been saving myself for this demonstration."
MIKE: So he's still a virgin, eh?
> He pulled
> the small glass lid off the vial. A pale, blue light shone in the
> faces of DeLeon and the newscaster.
CROW: It's bottled Smurf Extract.
> A cold breeze blew through the
> room, and the glass chandelier above them began to shake back and
> forth.
TOM: Oh, Kathie Lee must be taping in the studio next door.
> The professor put the small vial to his lips and drank its
> contents. Immediately, changes began taking place in the professor's
> body.
MIKE: He began morphing into Mr. Howell.
> His thinning gray hair turned dark, and his bald spots were
> covered with more dark hair.
CROW: Nope, he's morphing into Slash.
> The skin on his face, which had been
> wrinkled and loosened with age, was pulled tight again.
TOM: Now he's morphing into Phyllis Diller.
> His liver-
> spotted hands were converted into the hands of a young man.
MIKE: They sure looked out of place at the ends of his withered,
liver-spotted "old man" arms.
> Soon, the transformation was complete.
CROW: The Metamucil had kicked in.
> The scientist, who
> ha The scientist, who
> had looked 70 years old a minute before, now looked as if he was in
> his mid-twenties.
TOM: And he *immediately* begins slacking off and obsessing over
1970s cartoons.
> The newscaster sat in her seat, stunned by what had just
> taken place.
MIKE: Someone had actually done something INTERESTING on a morning
talk show.
CROW: They said it couldn't be done!
> She wished she could put her finger on $100,000. There
> were several wrinkles and gray hairs she wanted to get rid of for
> good!
TOM: She's tried sandblasting, spackle, varnish... nothing works!
> The professor looked directly into the camera.
CROW: [as The Brain] You are under *my* command. You will do
whatever *I* say!
> "Ladies and
> gentlemen, you have just seen proof that my formula works.
MIKE: Uh, sir, this is a *radio* talk show. That camera's just
a prop.
> If you
> want to be young again, call 1-800-2-B-YOUNG. I accept checks and
> most major credit cards."
TOM: But he *won't* take American Express.
> Meanwhile, in the Joker's hideout, the grinning fiend sat,
> watching the morning show when he saw the answer to all his
> problems.
CROW: He saw an ad for Thorazine?
> He laughed his demented laugh.
MIKE: [as Dr. Demento] Wind up your radios! It's time for more
mad music and craaaaaazy comedy!
> "No longer will I pull a robbery and find myself too tired to
> complete it!
TOM: [as Joker] I'll hire that DeLeon schmuck to do it *for* me!
> No longer will I have to take naps every afternoon! I'll
> be able to commit crimes with the greatest of ease.
CROW: That daring middle-aged clown on the flying trapeze.
> Just imagine it,
> the Joker, immortal! And the best part is, we'll be around long after
> Batman kicks the proverbial bucket!
MIKE: Would you really want to spend eternity looking like Ronald
McDonald's femm-y cousin?
> The city will belong to me!
TOM: [as Joker] Well, it'll belong to me, Donald Trump, and the
Japanese.
> The
> worst part about this whole thing is the $100,000 fee. Joker never
> pays for anything!
CROW: Tell me about it. I roomed with him for two years!
> I'll go out to that Prof Herb's lab and steal some
> of that formula myself.
MIKE: [as Joker] I'll find out his secret blend of seven herbs and
spices, and then I'll RULE THE WORLD!
> First, to break Gotham City's worst criminals
> out of prison!
TOM: Why not just wait for them to be released due to overcrowding?
> With all of us becoming immortal, no jail will hold us.
> No sentence too long. We'll be unstoppable!"
CROW: [as Joker] Until we're inevitably stopped, that is.
> And that night, at Gotham State Penitentiary, Joker smashed
> the brick wall down with his merry wrecking ball.
MIKE: And finished the job with his holly-jolly bulldozer.
> Likewise, he broke
> a hole in the prison wall right into the arch-criminal wing.
TOM: How convenient! One-stop shopping!
> All the
> criminals ran out, through the hole in the wall, and into Joker's
> purple van.
CROW: Then they popped a Pink Floyd album into the 8-track player,
turned on the strobe lights, and got toasted.
> They raced out of the prison, with Warden Crichton's guards
> shooting at them all the way.
MIKE: [as Chrichton] Damn, I suck as a prison warden. I sure
hope that novel-writing thing pans out for me.
> Scarcely five minutes later, at Commissioner Gordon's office,
> the Commissioner and Chief engaged in idle conversation before the
> dreaded call.
TOM: Lorne Michaels was calling to ask them to host "Saturday
Night Live."
> "You know, Commissioner, we never leave this office," Chief
> O'Hara observed.
CROW: They're in a low-budget version of "The Truman Show."
> "We have wives and children, yet we stay here at all
> hours of the night, just waiting for Batman to call.
MIKE: [as O'Hara] Aren't we just pathetic?
> Even policemen
> need sleep, Commissioner."
TOM: [as Gordon] If you're trying to lure me into bed, it won't
work, O'Hara.
> "Chief O'Hara, Batman is the unknown savior of this city.
CROW: He was born in a manger in Bethlehem 2000 years ago.
> When he's on the case, we need to be aware of all the latest
> developments.
MIKE: [as Gordon] And logging on to AOL just takes too long!
> I wouldn't want to go home and go to sleep because I
> can't sleep until I know a case is wrapped up."
TOM: [as Gordon] Besides, my relationship with my wife has become
sexually unsatisfying.
> "Bigora!" Chief O'Hara added.
CROW: That's Irish for "Up yours, old man."
> The Commissioner's phone rang. He picked it up.
> "Commissioner Gordon's office... what?
MIKE: [breathing heavily] It's me again, Margaret.
> That's awful, Warden... Yes,
> I'll call Batman at once."
TOM: They're not even going to TRY to handle it on their own?
> He hung up the phone and turned to Chief
> O'Hara. "Did you hear that?"
CROW: [as Gordon] The voices in my head are starting up again!
> "No, but I've heard via the underworld grapevine
MIKE: Not much longer will you be mine.
> that Joker is
> planning an incredible mass-escape of Gotham City's arch-criminals at
> midnight tonight through the aid of his merry wrecking ball," Chief
> O'Hara replied.
TOM: [as O'Hara] At least that's what I read on alt.conspiracies.
> "What?! You knew it was going to happen? Why didn't you
> tell me?" Commissioner Gordon demanded.
CROW: [as Gordon] I thought you said we weren't going to keep
secrets from each other once we were married!
> "You never asked," Chief O'Hara told him.
> "Well, there's only one man who can help us now," the
> Commissioner said.
MIKE: [as Gordon] But since Richard Simmons is busy, we'll have to
call Batman instead.
> He walked over to the sacred table which held the
> Batphone, his link between himself and Batman.
TOM: In the name of the father, the son, and the Holy Batman.
> He lifted the glass
> cover which protected the Batphone and turned back to Chief O'Hara.
CROW: [as Gordon, giggling] We'll call him up and ask him if his
Bat-Refrigerator is running!
> "Although we may never know who he is, our only source of hope is
> the Caped Crusader."
ALL: Liberace?
> He pushed the sole button on the phone.
MIKE: So you push that button and you hear James Brown?
TOM: No, that would be the "Godfather of Soul" button.
> Meanwhile, at stately Wayne Manor,
CROW: Aren't there any *other* adjectives for Wayne Manor? Why
not say "funky Wayne Manor" or "perky Wayne Manor?"
> ancestral home of
> millionaire Bruce Wayne and his youthful ward, Dick Grayson, violent
> situations were being re-enacted before their eyes.
MIKE: They're watching TNT's "Monday Nitro."
> "Gosh, Bruce, there's nothing like a late-night Three Stooges
> marathon!" Dick exclaimed.
TOM: [as Dick] But can't we watch "Jerry Springer" during the
commercial breaks?
> "You're right, Dick," Bruce replied. "If only people would
> react to situations like Larry, Moe and Curly, what a better world
> this would be.
CROW: [sings] Don't know much about Curly Joe
Don't know much about Shemp and Moe
> Instead of shooting people, we could merely poke them
> in the eyes. The scourge of war would be eliminated."
MIKE: But accidental blindness would be *way* up.
> Bruce seemed to
> have a speech for every possible subject.
TOM: Good! He can retire to the lecture circuit!
> Alfred entered and went directly to Bruce. "It's the Batphone,
> sir," he whispered.
CROW: [as Alfred] I believe they're inquiring as to the soundness
of our insulated cooling apparatus.
> Bruce and Dick got up and went into the study. Bruce picked
> up the Batphone. "Yes, Commissioner?"
MIKE: [as Bruce] Why, that's DISGUSTING, Commissioner! I'm hanging
up now, sir.
> "Brace yourself, Batman, I have dreadful news,"
> Commissioner Gordon began.
TOM: [as Gordon] The Backstreet Boys are breaking up.
> "I've just received word that seven
> arch-criminals are on the loose.
CROW: Fortunately, these are harmless, wacky arch-criminals.
> Joker, Penguin, Riddler, Catwoman,
> Mr. Freeze, King Tut and Egghead have all been sprung."
MIKE: [as Gordon] And they're threatening to form a sketch comedy
troupe.
> "Great Scott!" Bruce replied in all graveness.
TOM: Please refrain from throwing toilet paper. Thank you.
> "We'll be right
> there." He hung up the Batphone and turned to Dick. "Seven arch-
> criminals are wandering through Gotham City."
CROW: [as Bruce] They're probably posing for photos with tourists
even as we speak!
> He lifted the bust of
> Shakespeare. Underneath was a panel of buttons. He pushed a green
> button.
MIKE: That makes Shakespeare recite the "To be or not to be"
speech.
> A false bookshelf in the study slid away to reveal the
> Batpoles. "To the Batpoles!" came Bruce's all too familiar order.
TOM: They slide down those Batpoles even when there ISN'T a crisis.
> Then, at the Joker's hideout, the criminals were beginning to
> ask questions!
CROW: Several were asking about dental plans and IRAs.
> "So what's the caper?" Penguin asked.
MIKE: It's the pickled green flower bud of a shrub often used as a
condiment. Why do you ask?
> "Yeah, why'd you bring us all here?" Catwoman added.
TOM: [as Catwoman] And do you have any Fancy Feast? I'm starving!
> "How would you people like to live forever?" Joker told them.
> "You've flipped!" Egghead exclaimed. "You've finally gone
> insane! Immortal?!"
CROW: When a "Batman" villain thinks you're nuts, you're NUTS!
> "For once, I'm completely serious," Joker replied. "Prof Herb
> DeLeon has perfected an Anti-Aging formula.
MIKE: [as Joker] I say we kidnap him and force him to do household
chores!
> We'll take it and live
> forever. Think of it, we'll be pulling capers well into the year 3000!
TOM: I wonder if the Stones will still be touring then.
> Batman'll be dead and gone and we'll have no interference!"
CROW: Since the police seem to have a laissez-faire policy.
> "So how do we get our hands on this potion?" King Tut
> asked.
MIKE: [as Willy Wonka] I'm sorry. All questions MUST be submitted
in writing.
> "We go to the professor's lab and steal some of his potion,"
> Joker explained.
TOM: How do you know he *has* a lab? How do you know where the
lab is if it exists? How will you know what to look for if
and when you get there?
MIKE: They're criminals, Tom. They just KNOW this stuff.
> "Then, we'll be immortal. It's as simple as that."
CROW: Hey, the Joker is really Velvet Jones!
> "So, what are we waiting for?" Penguin asked. "Let's get our
> potion!"
MIKE: [as Penguin] Can we listen to my Fiona Apple tape on the
way over? Please?
> At the same time, in Commissioner Gordon's office, Batman
> was talking to Warden Crichton on the phone.
TOM: [as Batman] So you think I should ask Todd to the Sadie
Hawkins dance?
> "What possible motive do you think Joker might've had when
> he sprung those criminals?" Batman asked.
CROW: Maybe he wanted to form a professional rugby team.
> "I have no idea," the warden replied. "Although I do have one
> thing to add.
MIKE: [as Crichton] Van Halen rules.
> When he was last here, at the prison, he was obsessed
> with aging.
TOM: [as Chrichton] He'd watch "The Golden Girls" for seventeen,
eighteen hours in a row.
> He checked all kinds of books out of the prison library
> about the Fountain of Youth and other nonsense."
CROW: [as Chrichton] Damn him and his infernal literacy!
> "Of course!" Batman exclaimed. He just realized Joker's plan.
MIKE: Get his college degree while in prison?
> "Thank you very much, warden." He hung up the phone and turned to
> Robin. "Joker's worried about growing old."
TOM: I'll bet he hasn't saved much for retirement.
> "Holy Fountain of Youth!" Robin exclaimed.
CROW: Is there anything that's NOT holy to him?
> "Exactly, Robin. Joker plans to subject himself and the other
> arch-criminals to the professor's magic potion.
MIKE: Don't worry. Gilligan will screw it up somehow.
TOM: He always does.
> What a dastardly
> scheme! We'd better get out to the professor's lab before those
> heartless arch-criminals do!"
CROW: Meanwhile, the Gotham police are playing Boggle down at
the stationhouse.
> Sorry, Batman, you're too late.
MIKE: There's no saving this story.
> For at that very moment, Joker
> and the other criminals had forced their way into the professor's lab
> and stole a bottle of the professors' magic formula.
TOM: Unfortunately, they stole his magic formula for making
perfect pancakes.
> One of the
> criminals tied Prof Herb to his lab stool before making his escape.
>
CROW: Andrew Hicks has kind of a "thing" for bondage, doesn't he?
> Same place, fifteen minutes later.
MIKE: The Spice Girls' fame was over.
> Batman and Robin raced
> into the lab. "Are we too late?" Batman asked, out of breath.
TOM: Now *that's* the Adam West we know and tolerate.
> "The potion's gone and I'm tied to this lab stool," the
> professor said sarcastically. "What do you think?"
[Mike and the 'bots hum the "Final Jeopardy" theme.]
> "Just answer the question, professor: Are we too late?"
> Batman repeated.
CROW: [as Alex Trebek] Oooh, I'm sorry. That's not the correct
question. Let's see your wager. Ouch!
> For heaven's sake, Caped Crusader, hurry up!
MIKE: Who's saying that? God?
> For, in Joker's
> hideout, he had filled seven shot glasses with DeLeon's magic potion
> and gave one to each criminal.
TOM: We've secretly replaced their regular magic potion with
Folger's Crystals. Let's see if they notice.
> Joker stood at the head of a long table, where the other
> criminals sat in chairs.
CROW: Ooooh, chairs! Classy!
> Joker held up his glass. "I propose a toast."
MIKE: Rye!
TOM: Sourdough!
CROW: Whole wheat!
> The other criminals raised their glasses in return.
MIKE: Malatov!
CROW: Uh, don't you mean "mazeltov"?
MIKE: With *this* crowd, I mean Malatov!
> "To crime," Joker said.
> "To crime," the arch-criminals repeated.
TOM: I thought this was a social gathering. Do we HAVE to talk
shop?
> Meanwhile, in the Batcave, Batman and Robin activated the
> Bat-Hideout Finder.
CROW: Sheesh. Batman is so spoiled.
> A card popped out. Batman picked up the card
> and read it.
MIKE: It says, "Help! I'm being held prisoner in a Chinese
laundry."
> "According to this, Joker and the others should be at the
> Happy Fun Novelty Company at the corner of Mirth Street and Glee
> Avenue.
TOM: Located in Gotham's famous "suicide district."
> To the Batmobile!"
CROW: To the Batmobile! [pause] Oh, sorry, I thought we were
still making toasts!
> And, at the Happy Fun Novelty Company,
MIKE: Which ironically manufactures funeral wreaths.
> Joker's toast was
> over and the criminals were ready to drink the magic potion.
TOM: [sings] This magic potion... so different and so blue!
> Where
> are you, Batman? Is this the one time you'll be too late?
CROW: [as Batman] Hey, stop nagging me, God. I'm working on it!
> "Bottoms up!" Joker said.
MIKE: [as Joker] Very funny, Riddler. Now please pull your tights
back up.
> Joker and the other villains drank their shots of potion. The
> same things that occurred when Professor DeLeon swallowed the
> potion happened to Joker and the other criminals.
TOM: They all became younger versions of Professor DeLeon?
> They, once again,
> had the appearance of youth.
CROW: Of course, after you've had a few drinks, you *always* feel
like you're 18.
MIKE: Hey, now that they're young again, they can become staff
writers for "Felicity."
> Just then, Batman and Robin burst into the room.
TOM: And started showering the villains with confetti, like Rip
Taylor.
> Batman
> looked at the arch-criminals. Thinking they were the children of the
> villains, he asked them, "Where are your parents, kids?"
CROW: [as Batman] And do they know you're up this late on a school
night?
> "Batman, you're too late," Joker announced. "We've already
> taken the formula."
MIKE: [as Joker] Several of us have already joined Menudo!
> "Holy Younguns!" Robin exclaimed.
TOM: I loved that show... especially Viv.
> "That's right," Joker replied. "The moment you've dreaded
> has finally arrived! We're invincible!
CROW: Unfortunately, they now all have an 8:00 curfew.
> We will terrorize the world
> forever!
MIKE: [as Joker] We'll play our stereos too loud and ask to borrow
the family car every weekend!
> But first, we have a few obstacles we need to eliminate,
> namely, you. Get them!"
TOM: [as Michael Jackson] But I'm a lover, not a fighter.
> The seven criminals jumped Batman and Robin.
CROW: Oh, great. There's nothing better than *reading* a big
fight scene!
TOM: Technically, won't Batman and Robin be beating up a group of
children here?
> POW! Penguin's head was smashed into a brick wall.
> SOCK! The Riddler was thrown out a window to the ground
> below. That had to hurt!
MIKE: This is less a story than it is a "sports blooper" video in
text form.
> ZOWIE! Robin broke a chair over Mr. Freeze's back.
TOM: They must sell a lotta balsa wood furniture in Gotham!
> BIFF! Catwoman was declawed--literally--by Batman. She
> didn't stick around for the spaying.
CROW: Too bad. Bob Barker was going to do that personally.
> Batman picked up a heavy log, which just happened to be
> sitting around the novelty company, and rammed it into King Tut's
> massive stomach. URK!
MIKE: Now he's bleeding internally! How fun!
> BAM! The aforementioned log crashed down onto Egghead's
> egghead.
TOM: And *he's* got permanent brain damage! Whoopee!
> And, just when he thought the chance had passed, Batman
> saved the best for last.
CROW: That sentence was ghost-written by Dr. Suess.
> He threw the Joker into the brick wall.
> Joker got up slowly.
MIKE: [as Joker] I feel like I'm in a Johnny Cash song.
> "You may think you've won, but we've
> triumphed. We're immortal, no prison sentence is too long for us.
ALL: [as other criminals] Speak for yourself, Joker!
> Twenty years, fifty, even a hundred years is nothing to me now!"
TOM: They won't serve that kind of time.
CROW: Why not?
TOM: They're JUVENILE offenders now, remember?
> Joker and the other criminals got life sentences.
MIKE: But due to the workings of the legal system, they were back
on the streets after five years.
> --
CROW: Is that all?
> That's all.
CROW: Good.
> I hope you've enjoyed these lost, unfinished
> Batman stories.
TOM: Well, *there's* a wish that won't come true.
> You know, originally I planned to write a whole lost
> season of Batman stories, consisting of twenty-six ten page stories,
MIKE: If you ever *do* write them, make sure they stay "lost."
> but eventually the bad acid wore off and I came to my senses, so there
> are only twelve completed episodes.
CROW: I'll chalk this up to Divine Providence.
[They get up to leave the theater.]
TOM: How about that! The last experiment is over, and we didn't
go stark raving mad. We win... sort of.
MIKE: I guess we should start packing.
CROW: Mike, do us all a favor and leave the Steve Perry solo
albums behind, okay?
[*, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, Dog bone]
[SATELLITE OF LOVE - BRIDGE]
[Tom, Crow, Mike, and Gypsy are gathered in the bridge, dressed in
travelling clothes and holding suitcases. (Gypsy holds her suitcase
in her mouth.) Sentimental music plays in the background.]
TOM: I guess this is the last time we're gonna see this place.
CROW: Yeah, I'm really gonna miss this floating chew toy. I mean,
sure, we *were* trapped here and forced to watch stinky
movies in a diabolical experiment, but other than that, we
had some great times.
TOM: Really? I can't remember a single one.
CROW: Neither can I. [sentimental music dies down.] C'mon, Mike,
let's blow this popsicle stand.
GYPSY: Yeah, Mike. The sooner we leave, the sooner we can get
to EuroDisney.
[Mike reaches down and picks up the soup can. He speaks into it.]
MIKE: Okay, Mrs. Forrester, we're ready to go.
[CONDO FORRESTER - KITCHENETTE]
[We see that Pearl, too, is talking into a soup can.]
PEARL: Go? Go where?
[SATELLITE OF LOVE - BRIDGE]
MIKE: Uh... home to Earth. You know... since the experiment's
over and everything. I just figured we could...
[CONDO FORRESTER - KITCHENETTE]
PEARL: Leave? Oh, no. There must've been some misunderstanding.
See, you guys aren't going anywhere.
[SATELLITE OF LOVE - BRIDGE]
ALL: We're not?!?
[CONDO FORRESTER - KITCHENETTE]
PEARL: Of course not! The experiment's not ENDING. It's just
going "on hiatus" for a while.
[SATELLITE OF LOVE - BRIDGE]
TOM: So... what's going to happen to us?
[CONDO FORRESTER - KITCHENETTE]
PEARL: Oh, I've got that all taken care of.
[Fade to black. A superimposed caption reads: "A LITTLE WHILE LATER."
Fade in on:]
[SATELLITE OF LOVE - BRIDGE]
[The lights are dimmed. There is a row of large plexiglass tubes, like
the ones seen in "This Island Earth." Each resident of the SOL has his
or her own tube, except Cambot (who's still filming) and Magic Voice.
Each tube is lit up like a lava lamp, so we can tell they're working.]
CROW: How long are we going to stay in these tubes? I'm getting
cabin fever already, and it's only been seventeen minutes.
MIKE: Just until Pearl gets back in the red.
TOM: She's already *in* the red. We're waiting for her to get
back in the BLACK.
GYPSY: I thought it was "back in the PINK."
[Mike, Tom, and Gypsy begin squabbling.]
CROW: Yep, it's gonna be a llloooooonnngggg hiatus.
[CONDO FORRESTER - KITCHENETTE]
[Pearl is sitting at the breakfast table with Observer. They're
listening to the radio.]
RADIO ANNOUNCER: And, in entertainment news, a super-intelligent
gorilla has become the talk of Tinseltown after
he was discovered in a touring Armenian circus.
The ape, who goes by the name of Bobo, currently
has a three-picture deal at Paramount, allegedly
worth seventy mill...
[Disgusted, Pearl snaps off the radio.]
PEARL: Hey, Brainbutt, are you sure you've got those Suspended
Animation Chambers hooked up right? I don't want them to
blow a fuse or anything.
OBSERVER: What kind of lackwit do you think I am? Of course I set
them up properly. There's no chance they'll blow a fuse.
Now, could you pass me today's comics? I haven't read
"Funky Winkerbean" yet.
PEARL: Here.
[She rudely shoves a newspaper in his face.]
[SATELLITE OF LOVE - BRIDGE]
[The suspension chambers are all still working. However, the camera
closes in on an outlet near the floor, and we see there are way too
many cords plugged into it. We see sparks coming from the outlet.
In a wide shot of the SOL bridge, the lights in the suspension chambers
flicker on and off. Then, there's a KABOOM! The lights go out, and
suddenly all is silent. Fade to black.]
[ROLL CLOSING CREDITS AND THEME SONG]
Based on a series created by
JOEL HODGSON
Written and directed by
JOE BLEVINS
Special thanks to Juliet A. Youngren, Eric Schepers, M.N., and all the
fine folks on the Dibs List for their suggestions of "idiot" synonyms.
Joe's Mystery Usenet Theater 3000 Episode Guide
-----------------------------------------------
[001] Boycott This Blasphemous Movie
[002] Sweet Valley High: Oracle On-Air
[003] Revenge of the Old Queen
[004] Three Usenet Posts About "Titanic"
[005] Orgy of the Dead
[006] IMDb Entry for Rick Sloane
[007] Ray Wolfe's Online Guide to ERASERHEAD
[008] I Was a Teenage King Kong
[009] President Clinton's Apology to the Nation
[010] A Shameless Clip Show
[011] Sensual Dreams
[012] President Clinton's Second Apology to the Nation
[013] The Penguin's Withdrawal / Joker's Fountain of Youth
-----------------------------------------------------------
D I S C L A I M E R
-----------------------------------------------------------
Mystery Science Theater 3000 and its associated characters
and situations are the property and trademarks of Best
Brains, Inc. In no way should this MiSTing be construed to
be an infringement on those rights. All rights reserved.
Copyright (c) 1998 by Joe Blevins
<FWOOM!>
> "That's the alarm from the Gotham National Bank," Batman
> said to himself. "Someone must be robbing it!"
Produced in spite of the Sci-Fi Channel
