WARNING: The following fanfic contains a few bad words. Nothing worse than in the Mystery Science Theater movie, but you've been duly warned. Don't blame us!!!
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[Satellite of Love]
[Mike and Crow are at drawing tables, scribbling away at something. Gypsy
is off to one side, dressed in an 'indian' outfit and posing. Tom is
standing (hovering?) behind Crow, wearing a Walt Disney mustache and peering
at what Crow is working on]
TOM [looking up]: Ah, welcome to the Tom Servo Animation Studios! We here on the Satellite of Love have decided to enter the wonderful world of animation, drawing on our years of experience and wellsprings of talent to bring joy and entertainment to people the world over!
[looks back at Mike and Crow]
Draw faster! Faster! We need 23,000 more of those drawings for this scene with Gypsyhontas! Then we can work on the NEXT scene! Draw!
[Mike and Crow redouble their efforts. Mike starts panting a bit]
MIKE [setting down his pencil]: Come on, Tom! We'll never churn out an
entire animated feature film with just the two of us working!
CROW: I told you letting him do this was a bad idea, Mike.
TOM: Quiet, you lily-livered simps! There are children out there
desperate for animated fairy tales! If you don't draw faster I'll fire
the useless lot of you and contract out to the Koreans! And there's
still the cel painting to do!
[Mike and Crow grumble, stand, and start advancing on Tom, who backs away]
[Tom looks back at the camera]
TOM: We'll be right back as soon as I get this little labor dispute settled...heh heh...
[Commercials]
[SOL]
[All the 'animation studio' paraphernalia is gone. Crow and Mike have their hands in ice packs, and look exhausted and disgruntled. Gypsy is chewing on something. Tom is holding a sheet of paper]
TOM [pleadingly]: Aw, come on, guys! We were making great progress on
Gypsyhontas, and I already had a distributor interested! Just a few
more drawings!
CROW [glaring at Tom]: How many more?
TOM: Um, well, I have to check on the film we've already produced to see
where we are and check it against the total. Gypsy's processing it now!
MIKE: All right, Tom. How many feet of film total do we need?
TOM [checks the paper]: Oh, just 1,237,743 feet!
MIKE: And how many feet do we have?
TOM [turning to Gypsy]: Okay, it should be done now!
[Gypsy opens her mouth, and about a foot of film drops out. They all stare at it.]
TOM: Uh. That many.
MIKE: All those blisters...for this?
CROW: Hands up who didn't see THIS coming...
TOM: So we have a bit more to do than I anticipated! No problem, right
guys? Right? [weakly] Heh...right?
MIKE: I think we'll just forget about animation right now.
CROW: Yeah...if I never see another pencil again it'll be too soon!
TOM: Aw, come on, guys! I already have the script for our next film,
Gypsy and the Seven Dwarfs, finished!
MIKE: Hey, how come Gypsy's the star of all these cartoons?
TOM: Well, she's the only female we have to use as a movement model.
Anyways, let me tell you all about, I'm sure you'll get as excited
as I am about this! See, it starts with the evil Queen, and...
[Red light flashes]
MIKE: Hey, Klasky and Csupo are calling!
CROW: Man, I'd never thought I'd be so glad to have those two interrupt!
[Deep 13]
[Dr. Forrester is grinning into the camera. Frank is nowhere in sight, though he can be heard humming strange high-pitched music.]
DR. F: Ah! If it isn't Guld, Isamu, Yang, and Myung! Having cinematic difficulties, are we? Hmm?
[SOL]
TOM: I guess animation is a lot harder than it looks.
MIKE: That's easy for you to say...you didn't DO anything!
[D13]
DR. F: Oh, I agree! That's why, thanks to Frank here, I've gone straight to the experts for this week's experiment! FRANK!!! Bring me the tape!
[Frank dances onscreen, dressed in a Sailor Senshi outfit from Sailor Moon, holding a videotape]
DR. F [flinching backwards]: Gyaaah! Frank, what the...? What are you
wearing!?
FRANK: It's my costume from the convention! Do you like it?
DR. F: No! Now just give me the tape! [snatching it from Frank's hands]
[Frank goes prancing offscreen in the opposite direction, leaving Dr. F to blink at him in stunned surprise.]
DR. F: Right...[turns back to the camera] Anyway, boobies, Frank has just come back from an anime convention, and has introduced me to the wonderful world of Japanese animation!
[SOL]
CROW: Anime...that's those cartoons with the tentacles that get more
action than Wilt Chamberlain, right?
MIKE [looks at Crow]: I'm going to have to check your video collection,
young man. Anyways, I saw one of those movies once. It had the name
'Tetsuo' shouted out in it about as many times as _Outlaw'_ had 'Cabot'!
TOM [shaking his head and 'tsk'ing]: I see you guys just don't understand!
Anime is not just violent foreign cartoons! It is a whole new medium of
expression through animation, telling stories about mankind, the human
experience, relationships...
CROW: And naughty tentacles!
TOM: ...and naughty ten...CROW! You just aren't sophisticated enough to
truly understand the groundbreaking nature of Japanese animation!
MIKE: Do we have to argue about this?
[D13]
DR. F: Be that as it may, mechaheads, Frank obtained this little gem at
the convention for me. It's a delightful little piece with certain
characters from an anime series called Ranma 1/2, a few villains from
Batman: the Animated Series, and no discernable redeeming value
whatsoever! Enjoy!
[Dr. F slots the tape and pushes a button, as Frank prances back across the screen]
FRANK: Warm Penguin Moon Ray Power!! Wooosh!
DR. F [turning angrily]: FRANK!!! Stop that! Now you're scaring me!
[SOL]
[Lights flash, siren goes off]
ALL: We've got fanfic sign!!!!!
[Door sequence]
> picolo3000@aol.com (Picolo3000)
[Crow, Mike, and Tom sit in the theater]
TOM: Philistine!
CROW: Geek!
MIKE: Just be quiet and pay attention, okay?
> Ranma 1/2: RANMA VS. THE JOKER
> BY VEGITA1941
CROW: Vegita. Well, that explains the mentality of the writer.
MIKE: Hey, come on! We haven't even started the story yet!
CROW: Trust me, Mike. I have a sixth sense about these things.
> It was a dark night, a cold, dark night in the city of Gotham.
MIKE: A cold, dark, dark, cold, dark, cold, dark night!
TOM: Frank Miller's _The Cold Dark Night Returns_, now from DC comics!
> But it was a fun night for the Joker, for he got the upper-hand on the Batman.
CROW: And Batman promptly filed suit for sexual harassment.
> "You won't get away with this Joker!" Yelled the Batman. "Oh really," said
> The Joker as he Brutally beat The Batman with a bat.
TOM [bland monotone]: Oh, the incredible irony...
MIKE: I'm beginning to think you're right about the author, Crow...and
we're only four lines in!
CROW: See?
MIKE: Nice alliteration, though...
> Then Batman quickly
> grabbed the bat and threw the Joker across the roof. "Ow! Watch it
> Batsey! I just got my hair redone!"
CROW [Snobby voice]: If you don't look good, we don't look good.
TOM: And this doesn't look good at all!
> Then the Batman walked up to him and
> coldly said "Show's over Joker, You're fun and games is history,"
> The Joker backed off and frowned, but he just shrugged his shoulder,
> smiled, and jumped off the roof. "No, don't! "Yelled Batman.
MIKE [monotone]: No...stop...don't jump.
TOM: You know, this fanfic really captures the action-packed, gritty
flavor of the cartoon.
> But the Joker was already gone. "Where to boss?" said a hench man with bulging muscles.
CROW [Joker]: Oh, I don't know...lets try bossing over there!
MIKE: Watch the spelling flames, guys...
> "take Me back to the funhouse,"
TOM [singing]: Take me out to the crowd! I've got some peanuts and Cracker Jack...
> ---------- AT THE FUNHOUSE------------------------------------------------
MIKE: Hey...I saw that movie...
TOM: I think that was 'Welcome to the Funhouse'
MIKE: Whatever.
> "Honey!!!! I'm home!!!!!!!!" Yelled the Joker.
> "Gee Mr. J, ya back already?" asked Joker's trouble making assistant,
> Harley Quinn.
CROW [Joker]: That's some great trouble you're making, honey! Smells delicious!
> "Yeah that's right Harley, no thanks to that Batman. Uhhhhhh, if only he
> wasn't here, this city could be my very own play-ground,"
> "Yeah, and we could have a lot of fun. Weeeeeeee!!" yelled Harley
> gleefully.
> "yeah fun," said the stupid hench.
MIKE [Tor Johnson voice]: Time for go to bed!
> "Hmmmmmm," thought the Joker long and hard.
> "By George I think I got it!!"
[CROW looks thoughtful for a second]
CROW: Naaahh! Too obvious, even for me!
> "Got what Mr. J?" asked Harley.
CROW [Joker]: A bad agent...how else did I end up in this stupid fanfic?
> "Don't ya get it snookums? we'll just go somewhere where the Bat won't get
> us! and do you know where I'm thinking of going Harley?"
> "Uhhhhh, Disney Land Mr. J?"
MIKE: Happy Fun Land?
TOM: Wally World?
CROW: Six Flags over Flushing?
> "EEnkkk, wrong answer Harley, but close. This place is full of people I
> can toy with, and they also gota' language I don't even understand!! and
> the best part of all, is that it's out of Batman's reach!! Now do you know
> where it is Harley?"
> "Uhhhhh, Uhhhhh, Disney World?"
> "Close but no cigar, Japan!"
TOM: I thought her name was Harley!
MIKE: Topper Harley?
> "YEEEAAAHHH, Japan! Japan? why Japan Mr. J?"
> "Because it's perfect" coldly said the Joker.
CROW [Joker]: And they've also got a Disneyland there, too!
> "Oh sorry Mr.J, my bad. Well, anywho, when do we leave?" > "Tonight,"
MIKE: The new hit single from the Smashing Pumpkins!
> -------------------The next day in Japan----------------------------------
> "Come back here and fight like a man, if you are a man Ranma!!" yelled
> Ryouga.
> "At least I ain't a pig like you P-chan!" yelled back Ranma.
TOM: Are you a man or a mouse?
MIKE [Groucho]: Put a piece of cheese in front of me and we'll find out.
> "Who is this P-chan?!" yelled Ryouga as he landed on top of Ranma.
> "Oh hi guy's, what are you doing?" said Akane as she was running by.
> "Oh h-hi A-Akane" nervously said Ryouga.
CROW: Ooooh...awkward!
TOM [Ranma]: This isn't what it looks like, Akane!
> "Oh just spit it out P-chan," said Ranma as he slammed Ryouga's head down
> on the ground.
> "Who is this P-chan!!" yelled Ryouga as he uppercutted Ranma to the chin.
TOM: Wow, this scene really captures the humorous and character
driven flavor of the Ranma 1/2 series.
CROW: Mike, the format of this dialogue is giving me a headache!
MIKE: Me too. Its obvious the author got all his inspiration from Ratliff.
> "Well, I can see you guy's are busy right now, so I'll leave," said Akane
> as she took off
CROW: Saaaay...
> "Bye Akane," said Ryouga.
CROW [disappointed]: Aww...it wasn't what I thought at all!
MIKE: Serves you right!
> "Ahhhh, shut up," said Ranma as he side-kicked Ryouga to the face.
> "Well you ever quit Ranma," said Ryouga as he threw Ranma into the sky.
> "Heh, guess that's the end of him!" proudly said Ryouga.
> "The end of who?" said Ranma as he landed on top of Ryouga.
ALL: Waah waah waah waaaaaaaah!
CROW: It's Kooky-chan the Martial Artist!
> "Well, well , well it looks like you guy's are having a bet fun." said a
> voice.
> "Huh, who the HECK are you?" asked Ranma.
> "The names Joker, and I'm just here to see if my venom can work on foreign
> people like you two.
TOM: Oh, boo!
MIKE: Hey, I thought he said he didn't know the language!
CROW: With phrases like 'a bet fun,' I think he meant English.
> HAAARLLLEEY!! gimme my sample of joker venom!"
> yelled Joker.
CROW [Joker]: It came in the mail with a coupon for 30% off my next purchase!
MIKE [Jack Perkins]: And now we see the handler 'milk' the venom from the
poisonous joker asp...
> "Right away boss," said Harley as she handed him a little oval shaped
> bomb.
> "Hey! what do think your doing you lunatic!" yelled Ranma.
> "Just stand still, this won't hurt a bet!" yelled the joker as he threw
> the bomb at Ranma and Ryouga. But luckily for them, they both jumped to
> safety.
TOM: Of course, with all that karate training, they have to depend on luck
almost constantly... no question of agility or anything like that...
> "Drat, I must have the worst aim ever, will I always gotta a plan B,
> BRUNO! HARRY! grab them!" yelled the Joker.
CROW: Mike, PLEEEEEASE let us flame the spelling!
TOM: Yeah, come on! These are just too good to pass up!
MIKE: Well...
> "Sure thing boss," said the hench as they ran towards them.
MIKE: The hench? Shouldn't that be henches or henchii or something?
TOM: I think it's like sheep and sheep.
CROW: That explains why I feel sleepy!
MIKE: Huh?
> Ranma jumped to safety but one of the hench grabbed Ryouga. "Hey let him
> go!!" yelled Ranma as he ran towards Ryouga.
> "Duh, you ain't going anywhere." said the other hench as he pushed Ranma
> to the ground.
TOM: Okay, that is definitely not correct goon syntax. It should be 'You ain't going NOWHERE.', especially in a sentence beginning with 'duh'.
> "You big klutz! That's it! KASHI TENSHIN AMAGURIKEN!!" yelled Ranma.
> In about three seconds the hench was on the ground with bruises and broken
> bones all around his body.
MIKE: Too bad they all belonged to Ranma.
CROW: Ludicrous Gibs!
> "Hey what are doing to him!" yelled Ranma.
> "I'm simply gonna inject him with a batch of Joker Venom." said Joker as
> he was about to inject Ryouga. Ranma quickly reacted and jumped-kicked the
> Joker on the face. "Owwwww!!!" wailed the Joker in pain. Then Ryouga
> quickly got loose from the hench's grip, grabbed him by the neck, and
> threw him high into the sky. "You won't get away from this!!" yelled the
> Joker as he took off.
CROW: NO! Oh - wait - a period, we're safe.
> "Who the hell were they?" asked Ryouga.
TOM: Beats me, but I think we can rule out three dimensional, well-thought-out characters.
> "I don't know either, but I'll soon find out. Well, gotta go." said Ranma
> as jumped from the opposite direction of Ryouga.
MIKE [Ranma]: I have a Transvestite Support Group Meeting!
TOM: Ranma isn't a transvestite! He's an Aquatransexual!
MIKE: What?
CROW [To Tom]: Fanboy!
TOM: Shut up! And it's 'otaku'!!!
> ----------------------------Tendo Dojo-----------------------------------
CROW: You die Joe!
TOM: That's 'dojo'!
> "Oh, hi Ranma. Where were you?" asked Kasumi.
> "Me and Ryouga were fighting a weirdo name the Joker. He almost injected
> Ryouga with something, but I saved him."
MIKE [Ewan MacGregor]: Choose life!
> "Did you say the Joker?" asked Nibiki.
> "Y-yeah, why?" asked Ranma.
> "I've heard of him during my field-trip to America. I heard he was a
> crazed maniac." answered Nibiki.
TOM: On a field trip? Sheesh...where does she go to school, Charles Manson High?
> "Wow, what's he doing in Japan?" asked Ranma again.
CROW: Acting out of character, that's what.
> "I don't know," > ---------------------------Streets of Japan------------------------------
MIKE: Japan, of course, being one big city...
> "Today a beautiful day, also today Shampoo ask Ranma for date!" said
TOM: Why bother when she could just go to Indio, California?
MIKE: Huh?
> Shampoo as she was carrying a special delivery for Ranma.
> Then all of a sudden a stick flew out nowhere and hit Shampoo on the face,
> making her fall violently from her bike.
MIKE: There's too much violence in this story!
CROW: And not enough being done to the author.
> "Direct hit!!" yelled a voice.
> "Who hit Shampoo with stick!" she yelled as she got up, breaking the stick
> in two.
> "I did my pretty." said the voice.
CROW: Your pretty what? Er...on second thought, don't answer that!
MIKE: Okay...it's borderline, but I'll let that one pass, Crow.
> Then a figure came out of a bush.
CROW: Oh no!!
MIKE: Crow, just stop it, all right?
CROW: I can't help it! That opening was too good to pass up!
TOM: No it wasn't!
> "Who are you?" asked Shampoo.
> "The names Joker, J-O-K-E-R, Joker,"
> "Well Mr. Joker, You made Shampoo lose lunch
TOM: She's not the only one! Ugh...
> for darling, now you pay!"
> yelled Shampoo as she jumped toward him. Then a fist came right in her
> face and punched her across the street. "Boy's!! grab her!" commanded The
> Joker.
> "Sure thing boss."
> Then both of them hurried across the street and took her back to him.
TOM: Like this would really work on Shampoo!
MIKE: Well, for the purposes of the story...
CROW: The what? And just where do you see a story HERE, Nelson?
MIKE: Point taken.
> "You let Shampoo go at once!" she yelled.
> "Hmmmm, looks like we got a live one, better whack it." said the Joker.
> Then he took out a crowbar and hit her across the face.
> "There, that should shut you up."
MIKE: Aaaahhh! I can't believe the author showed us that!
CROW: If I wasn't already homicidally inclined towards Vegita, this would
drive me over the top!
> Shampoo wanted to scream but she couldn't, for her jaw was broken and was
> bleeding awfully.
CROW [prissy voice]: It was dweadfully painful.
TOM: Since when do cartoon bones break?
> "HHHAAARRRLLLEEEEYYYY!! gimme my serum!" commanded the Joker.
> "Right away Mr. J." said Harley as she gave him the serum.
> "Now, this won't hurt a bet... Just kidding! This is gonna HURT a lot!" he
> yelled.
MIKE: Oh, trust us. It already does!
> Shampoo wanted to scream again but she couldn't.
TOM: You'd think she'd have picked up on this by now.
CROW: C'mon, she's probably concussed.
TOM: That's one word for it...
> Then she felt a very slow
> sharp pain in her arm. Then the Joker quickly let go of the needle and
CROW: I'm feeling a long, deep pain myself.
> backed off. "Boy's, let go of her,"
> "Sure thing boss." said the henches as they ran behind the Joker.
> Shampoo started to feel excited and for no crazy reason she started to
> make a HUGE grin and started to laugh her heart out.
MIKE: No crazy reason. Just a perfectly sane one, yup.
> "HOHOHOHOOHOHHOHHOOHHOHAHAAHHAAHHAHAHAHHEHEHEHEHEHHHEHHEHHEHHEHHEHHEHHEH!!
> !!!!!!!!!!!!!!" she laughed so hard her eyes almost came out.
CROW: Oh, ick...
TOM [Shampoo]: Shampoo just thought of something funny, hee hee!
MIKE: She's laughing like THIS with a broken jaw?
> "Ahhhhhh, this brings back so much good memories." said the Joker.
> "Me too Mr. J."
> "Duh, me too boss." said both henchman.
> "Hey, I gotta good idea, why don't we leave her here to die, and commit
> more deaths!"
[All stare in blank shock]
CROW: 'Commit more deaths?'
TOM: So, the Joker, a criminal noted for his twistedly humorous and
imaginatively bizarre murder schemes, goes to Japan so he can get his
goons to club people with everyday objects and then inject them on the
spot?
MIKE: Looks like it.
> "Good idea Mr. J."
> And off they went, leaving Shampoo laughing her heart out.
TOM: Hope she had her organ donor card with her!
> Four hours later, Mousse was walking on the same street the Joker was on.
> Mousse then bumped into a tree and said, "I'm sorry sir, please excuse
> me." and walked off. then Mousse tripped over something cold and soft.
CROW: Mmmm! Tastee Freez!
> "What the? Who are you?" he asked.
> No reply. Mousse decided to put on his glasses and check for himself.
> "Now, who ar... AHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!! Is that you Shampoo!?!" he yelled.
> Shampoo was on the ground, almost dead, with a huge grin on her face.
TOM [Shampoo]: Hee! Near death is fun!
> "Wake up Shampoo! Wake up!"
> still no response. He decided to take her to Dr. Tofu. Mousse quickly
> picked her up and grudgely ran to Dr. Tofu.
TOM: Grudgely???
MIKE: You just exceeded your question-mark quota.
TOM: No, but come on, what does it MEAN? Grudgingly? He begrudges medical
care to a person near death? What kind of sick puppy is he? More to
the point, what good does he expect a chiropractor to be? Plus
there's the fact that Shampoo is the love of his life, and it doesn't
make sense for him to begrudge HER emergency medical assistance!
CROW: Otaku.
TOM: Thank you!
> -------------Dr. Tofu's office--------------------------------------
> After he bumped into 20 objects going here, he finally made it.
CROW: The author tried to get humor out of a frantic man trying to save
a seriously injured woman and bumbling all the way?
TOM: I feel ill...
> "Dr. Tofu, come here!!" Mousse yelled.
> "What is it?" he asked when he came into the room.
> "What's wrong with her?"
MIKE: You mean other than the huge toxic-chemical induced grin through a broken jaw?
> "Hmmmmmm, strange, never seen anything like it, let me take a sample of
> her blood."
> He then took out a needle and took some of her blood.
CROW: Well, I'm certainly glad the author told us that.
MIKE: Yup, hate to lose a vital plot element like that.
> -------30 minutes later--------------------------------------
> Dr. Tofu came into the room and said, " Mousse, th...Mousse, what what are
> you doing?"
> Mousse was talking to a plant what had happened. "Mousse, why are you
> talking to a plant?"
> "Huh, what? I was? No wonder it never talked back, will, anyway, what
> happened?"
MIKE [flatly]: Hah. Hah.
> "I injected her with something that will control the venom from reacting
> again, but it will wear out soon, so I'll send her to a hospital."
TOM: Good thing the local chiropractor had a serum that could counteract
the Joker's chemical, huh?
MIKE: Yup, he's never without it.
> "That's it?"
> "Yup."
> "Thanks," and with that Mousse quickly got up and walked out of his
> clinic.
MIKE: Showing so much concern for his broken-jawed girlfriend. It sort of
gets you right here, doesn't it?
CROW: More like right here.
MIKE: You are so lucky this is text only.
> "I'll get revenge for the person who did this!" he yelled, and quickly
> walked off swearing to himself.
> -----------------Ucchan--------------------------------------------------
> "All right, Who was the one to order a deluxe Okonomiyaki?!" Ukyuo yelled.
TOM [sobbing]: All right! It was me! I confess! I killed him in the conservatory with the okonomiyaki!
> "Right here," > "Okay, here ya go. Enjoy!"
CROW: Or else!!
> Door opens.
MIKE: Brain fizzles.
CROW: Fanfic bites.
> "Hello! How are you doing!? What can I get you sir?"
> "Oh, me? I'm not here to order, I'm just kindly asking if you would like
> to try some of my OWN pizza." the stranger said.
> "Well, sure."
TOM [Ukyo]: Well, sure! All chefs like to eat food offered them by total strangers painted like demented mimes during the busy shift!
> "Enjoy!" he took off his hat, reaveling to be the Joker, and shoved down a
> pizza with a smily face down into her throat.
MIKE: A HAT disguised the Joker?!
CROW: The Joker must get his disguises from the same place Clark Kent does.
> "Hack! Hack! Cough! Cough! Cogh!"
MIKE [blandly]: Wow...it's just like being there with the characters.
> "So how did it taste?"
CROW [Ukyo]: Like chicken!
> Then Ukyuo stood up, with a frightening grin on her face, and started
> laughing. "Ahhhhh!!!!" the customers gasped and screamed at the sight and
> quickly ran out the door.
TOM [Ukyo]: Heeeeeeeeeeeere's Ukyo!!!! Muahahaha!
> "Single-file everyone." the Joker said.
MIKE [schoolteacher]: Keep together, everyone! And stop shoving Susie, Johnny!
> "HHAHAHAHAHAHAAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAAHAHHAAAHAH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" > Ukyuo laughed out loud.
TOM [Ukyo]: Oh, man, last night's Third Rock from the Sun was soooo funny!
> "Look, she even laughed at that," said the Joker.
> "Now what Mr. J?"
> "Ahhhhhh, let's go, I need a rest from all this killing."
MIKE: But they haven't killed anyone yet! If they had, I'm sure Vegita would
have showed us in bloody detail!
CROW: Just let it slide, Mike...
> "Where do we go Mr. J?"
> "You know Har, I didn't think about that, where DO we go."
> "Duh, boss, I saw a abandoned fair at the other end of the city." said one
> of the hench.
CROW: How original. I don't think the Joker's EVER used an abandoned
fair as a hideout before...
TOM: Yes, but this is a JAPANESE fair, so it's okay.
> "Hmmmmmm, wait a minute, I thought I saw a abandoned fair at the other end
> of the city! That could be our hide-out!"
> "Good thinkin' Mr. J!"
> "Duh, yeah."
[CROW, MIKE and TOM begin banging their heads against any available surface.]
TOM: Let's get out of here!
[Mike picks up Tom, and they all leave the theater]
[Reverse door sequence]
[SOL]
[Tom and Crow are front of a large number of test tubes, bubbling beakers on bunsen burners, and various experimental packaging designs.]
MIKE [walking in]: Hey, guys. Er, what's all this?
TOM: Well, Mike, with the failure of our little animation venture, we
still have some bills to pay.
CROW: That's right. So Tom and I decided to make a little extra cash on
the side by marketing a new product that is sure to sell like fleas
in a dog pound!
MIKE: Well, that sounds...huh?
CROW: Never mind.
MIKE: Right. So, what's this idea of yours?
TOM: What are two of the hottest fads right now?
MIKE: Umm...the Spice Girls and those little LCD egg pet things?
CROW: Besides those!
MIKE: I don't know...what?
TOM: Sheesh, Mike! It's obvious! Japanese animation and plastic surgery!
MIKE: Oh, right. I don't know how I skipped those...
CROW: Anyways, Tom and I decided to combine the idea of the cursed
springs from Ranma 1/2 with the desire most people have for imitating
famous individuals.
TOM: And here's what we came up with! The Jusenkyo's of Hollywood Cursed
Springs Home Surgery Kit!
CROW: It's a guaranteed sell! Anything labeled 'spring water' is, really...
MIKE [picking up one of the brightly colored packages]: So...how does it
work?
CROW: It's simple! You just purchase the spring water for the star of
your choice, open up the box and take out the special tamper-proof
hermetically sealed vial, and douse yourself liberally with it, and
voila! Instant fame at parties, for walking in the street, or just to
impress that cute girl in the office! And the best part is, it washes
out with just a little hot water!
MIKE [reading the package]: But it says here that cold water restores the
form of the star selected...it's permanent!
TOM: Well, yeah...the box does clearly state it's CURSED spring water, after
all!
MIKE [opening the box and taking out the bottle]: Well, it sounds
interesting. I'm not sure if it will be all that popular, though.
[The bots start acting alarmed]
TOM: Uh, Mike? Please be careful with that one. It's one of our early
formulas, and isn't quite the way we intended...
MIKE [shaking the bottle and peering at it]: Oh? What's wrong with it?
Let me guess...it doesn't turn you into a star, but instead turns you
into some hideous monster?
CROW: Yes and no, Mike. That's the Joe Don Baker formula!
MIKE [fumbles the vial in shock and nearly drops it]: Ahhh! Why didn't
you TELL me! Why do you even still have this formula, for the love
of Pete!?
TOM: We were hoping to sell that one to the Department of Corrections as
an alternative to the death penalty.
CROW: Only that dumb 'cruel and unusual punishment' clause is holding
back sales!
MIKE [setting the vial down VERY gingerly]: Okay, I see. So, what else
have you got?
TOM: Well, nothing really.
MIKE: Nothing??
CROW: It's still in the development phase!
MIKE: Guys, I think creating cursed Joe Don Baker spring water and
nothing else counts as 'tampering in God's domain.' Or Satan's, as
the case may be. Maybe you should find another way to make money.
TOM: Well...
CROW: Hmmm...
[Lights flash and siren goes off]
MIKE: Let's talk about this later! We've got fanfic sign!
[Door Sequence]
> -----------------------one hour later-------------------------------------
[Mike and the bots settle into the theater seats]
CROW: I think you're right about the Jusenkyo's of Hollywood idea, Mike.
TOM: Yeah. Besides, we've already got another plan.
MIKE: Oh, joy...
> Genma Saotome was walking along the streets in panda form, grumbling to
> himself that he was hungry. Then he thought a moment saying 'hmmmmmmm
> maybe I'll grab a quick Okonomiyaki before I head back home'. He started
> to walk into the opposite direction then.
MIKE: Ugh...back to this, I guess.
TOM: It's just like Joyce!
CROW: It's more like Voyager.
> Door opens.
CROW: Crow weeps.
> Genma quickly takes out a board and marker and quickly scribbles
> something. (One medium Okonomiyaki to go please!)
> Genma pauses a moment and writes, (Ukyuo?)
MIKE: Suddenly we're in the present tense.
TOM: That's to give it immediacy.
CROW: I'd give in immediately if I thought that would save us...
> No reply. Genma starts to think she's playing hide-and-go-seek with him
> for no crazy reason, but still he started searching.
CROW: Dear Penthouse: I'm a panda at a small midwestern college...
MIKE: She must have a perfectly sane reason too, just like Shampoo.
> While searching, he
> steps on something cold and soft. He looks down and almost faints. He
> crouches and looks at the face and almost faints again. Genma quickly
> picks her up and starts to shake her violently. He then drops her and
> writes, (Wake up Ukyuo! I want my Okonomiyaki! Come on! I'm getting
> hungry!)
TOM: There's a commentary to be made here on how uncharacteristic and inconsistent this whole sequence is, but I'm too depressed by it all!
> After a few seconds later he picks her up and trots up to Dr. Tofu's
> clinic.
> ------minutes later--------------------------------------
> Genma slams open the door to Dr. Tofu's office, drops Ukyuo, and quickly
> runs off. "Another one? This is getting to strange!" He then picks up the
> phone and calls the hospital.
MIKE: Panda barges in, drops an unconscious grinning girl on your office
floor, runs off, you ring the hospital. Yep, sounds like procedure
to me.
CROW: Good thing he went to medical school, otherwise he wouldn't be
prepared.
> ----------------Nekohaten------------------------------------------------
> Genma quickly opened the door and violently wrote,
TOM: Again with the violence! What'd he do, hurt the pencil?
> (Hurry! Bring me a
> super deluxe Ramen! I'm starving!!) But Genma didn't see anyone. He then
> roared in hunger and defeat of no food.
CROW: Well, I can...huh??
> He then looked around and saw a
> bamboo tree. He dashed towards it and started to chew on it. 'Plastic!!!'
> he thought. He threw down the fake bamboo and ran out the door.
> -------------Tendo Dojo--------------------------------------------------
> Genma threw down the door and saw Ranma playing with some cards. "Woa
> Pops, what's the matter with you?"
MIKE: New Woa Pops, from Kelloggs!
> (Is Kasumi here?! I'm starving!!)
> "Nope, she ain't here. You could eat Akane's cooking, if your that
> desperate."
> Genma then roared and ran out.
TOM: At the thought of Akane's cooking, or in defeat of no food?
CROW: I'd like to make a prediction. I think that at the end of this fanfic,
Genma will eat the Joker.
MIKE: The sad thing is, I think you could be right.
> ----------Abandoned Fair Grounds------------------------------------------
> "Life is good Har, no Batman, no nothing,"
> "Yeah, life is good Mr. J."
CROW: Right...that was pointless.
> ----------------Bat Cave--------------------------------------
> "Did you find the Joker yet Robin?" asked Batman.
> "Nope, didn't find him Bruce."
> "Damn, where could he be!"
TOM: That was even more pointless...
MIKE: Holy lame fanfic, Batman!
> -----------Next Morning in Japan------------------------------------------
> "HHHHAAARRRLLLLEEEYYYY!!!! Where's my pants! I need to go on my killing
> spree!" yelled the Joker.
MIKE [Joker]: I can't go on a homicidal rampage without my little pants! The ones with the cute rocket ships on them!
> "OHHHH! Here ya go Mr. J."
> "It's about time! now, where's my breakfast!?"
> "Oh sorry Mr. J, I forgot to make some."
> "What! Can't you do anything right?! Ahhhhh, looks like I have to skip it
> then,"
> "Sorry Mr....."
> "Sorry won't get me anywhere!
CROW: Neither will the plot!
> Now get me my coat and hat!"
> Harley trots off into the next room and comes in with a purple coat and
> hat.
> "Here ya go Mr. J,"
> He grabs it quickly from her and yells, "Let's go, we're off to kill some
> more japs!"
MIKE: Double boo!
TOM: The Joker...whiter than any other white guy!
> "Yeah!!" Hoorays the hench.
CROW: Hooray is now a verb?
TOM: Mike, PLEASE make it stop!!
> --------------------Nekohaten---------------------------------------------
> Cologne puts up her sign saying 'open' and walks in the restaurant.
[All cough embarassedly]
MIKE: Yes, well...
> "Shampoo! Bring me my apron!"
> she waits for a reply. Nothing. She tries again, "Shampoo! Quickly bring
> me my apron!"
> Door opens.
CROW: Idiocy increases.
> "Oh, hello! Welcome to the Nekohaten restaurant, what may I get you?!"
> Cologne said in a high crackling voice.
> "Can I see the menu?" the stranger said.
> She hands him the menu, and then looks up, seeing two bulky men, and a
> girl dressed in a clown suit.
TOM [Cologne]: We don't serve mimes here!
> "I can't decide what to get, can you help me?"
> "Sure." she takes the menu from him, and starts looking.
> "Take your time." The stranger said as he took out a knife dipped in Joker
> Venom.
CROW [monotone]: Oh, the suspense and horror.
> He quickly swipes, but to his amazement, she jumped back two seconds
> before he attacked her.
> "What's the big idea!?" the ghoul yelled.
MIKE: Where did the ghoul come from???
TOM: Now it's like Lovecraft, except it's not suspenseful or interesting
or well written or...
MIKE: We get the point, Tom!
CROW: It sure is horrifying, though.
> "Oh, I'm simply in a rotten mood, and just felt like killing someone,
> boy's get her."
> The two hench run towards her. She quickly flips over and hits each of
> them on the jaw with the side of her cane. "You rotten bitch!! GRRRRR!!
CROW: Can you say that in a cartoon?
MIKE: In bad fanfics, there are no rules.
> Harley, shoot her!"
> "Sure thing Mr. J."
> She quickly takes out a gun and pulls the trigger. then a little sign
> comes out from the gun saying 'BANG!!'.
> "Ahhh jeez, I brought the wrong one." Harley said as she threw down the
> gun.
TOM: This would be stupid if it weren't so moronic.
CROW: No argument here.
> Then she looks up and sees the old women jump to her. She does a powerful
> cane drive to her that knocked her down.
> "Do I always have to do everything here!!" the Joker yelled as he took out
> a bomb. "Come on! Let's get out of here!" He yelled as the rest got up
> slowly and ran out the door. "Sweet dreams you old goblin!" said the Joker
> as he threw the bomb on the ground.
MIKE: First ghouls, now goblins! What is this, a D&D game?
CROW: Fanboy!
MIKE [defensively]: What? There's nothing wrong with a little gaming!
CROW: Sure, Nelson...
> "Oh dear," said Cologne as she quickly got out of her restaurant.
CROW: Oh dear? OH DEAR? Her business just got blown to smithereens and
that's all she says?
TOM: And she still hasn't noticed Shampoo isn't around.
MIKE: *That's* why she's having such a bad hair day...
TOM: Mike, that was a stretch...
MIKE: I know, I'm sorry! This fanfic is getting to me, that's all.
> A few
> seconds after she came out, the Nekohaten blew up before her eyes.
> "That devil will pay for what he did!" she yelled.
> -------------------Furinkan High School-----------------------------------
> "I, Tatewaki Kuno, Blue thunder of Furinkan High, shall have his worthy
> revenge on that heathen devil, RANMA!!" Kuno yelled as he sliced up a tree
TOM [Kuno]: Stupid tree! I hate you forever!
> in a matter of one second.
> "Tis true I am getting better by the minute, but I must train harder then
> I ever had, so I, Tatewaki Kuno, Blue Thunder of Furinkan high, would have
> a better chance against that fool, RANMA!!" he yelled again as sliced a
> tree in half.
CROW: Tatewaki Kuno, lumberjack extraordinaire!
TOM: Hey, do you guys realize that Monty Python's Lumberjack song could
easily be applied to Ranma?
[Mike and Crow look at him]
TOM: Er, forget it...
> two blocks away.
> "Gee Mr. J, I can see a school up ahead, should we go?" asked Harley.
> "Ohhhhh, how deeeelightful! A school full of children, waiting to be
> taught by there teachers, I can't wait, c'mon Harl, or we'll be late for
> school."
MIKE: Isn't it convenient that in a country the size and population of
Japan, the Joker only seems to run into members of the Ranma 1/2 cast?
CROW: Well if he ran into members of the Sailor Moon cast then the fanfics
would start cross-pollinating and God knows how it'd end up.
MIKE: There should be a free spaying program for these things.
> "Yeeeaaaahhh!! I love school, let's go!"
> And they skipped all the way to the school.
MIKE [Mobster Mash Godfather voice]: I am stupefied as to what has just occurred.
> Later, we see Kuno practicing
> for the defeat of Ranma. "I, Tatewaki Kuno, Blue Thunder of Furinkan High,
> has the confidence enough to defeat my most vile enemy, Ranma Saotome!!"
> "What do you want Kuno?" said Ranma.
> "You!! Let us spar to the dea..."
> "Can it." said Ranma as he stuck out his foot in front of Kuno.
> "Heeeeellllllllllllloooooo cccchhhiiiiillldddrrrreeennnnn!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
> screamed a voice from the crowd.
CROW: Unfortunately, they couldn't read it.
MIKE: Why would they read it? It's a scream.
CROW: It's a comic book - everyone has those bubbles above their heads! You
read 'em!
TOM: Suddenly a lot of things about you make sense.
> "Hey wait a minute, that sounded a little familiar?" said Ranma.
> "Who Ranma?" asked Akane.
CROW: Ranma hero, du-huh!
> "Hey! Now I remember! He's that Joker freak!" and with that he jumped
> right in front of the Joker.
> "You!! I saw you in that street!!" screamed the Joker.
> "Yeah! That's right! Now, what do you want!?"
> "Oh, me I just wanted to get a education."
> "Oh, really."
> "Yup."
TOM: A murderous arch-fiend who says 'yup.' He's just not scary, is he guys?
> Then he took out a knife and quickly threw it at Ranma. "Woa." He dodged
> the weapon with ease and grabbed the handle before it hit anyone else.
> "You won't get away with this! Oh, and by the way, who are you and name
> some of the people you know." asked the Joker as he took out a piece of
> paper and pencil. "Oh, I'm Ranma Saotome of the Saotome School of Anything
> Goes Martial Arts,
TOM: Hey, I thought it was Indiscriminate Grappling!
CROW: Depends on whether you read the English translation.
TOM: This fanfic could use some indiscriminate... mmph! [MIKE clamps his hand
over Tom's mouth.]
MIKE: I know how you feel, but try to be the bigger person.
CROW: Hah - mmph! [Mike grabs Crow's mouth too]
MIKE: Don't you start either.
> and some of the people I know are, Ryouga, Mousse,
> Shampoo, Ukyuo, my Pop, Cologne, Akane, Nibiki, Kasumi, Soun Tendo, Kuno,
> Kodachi, um, Happosai, and that's about it."
CROW: That's it? Ranma's social life seems to be seriously lacking.
TOM: I bet Vegita's is equally pathetic.
> "You moron!! Why did you tell him that!" said Akane as she hit him on the
> head.
> "What!? What I do?!"
> "You stupid! Why did you tell him your name, and the people you know?!"
> "What?! He just wanted to know, that's all, jeez! You always get mad about
> everything, Akane!"
> "You better be right, Ranma!"
> "Don't worry!!"
MIKE [Ranma]: I'm sure a weird-looking guy who threw a knife at us isn't going to do anything bad to all the people we know!
> -------------------Later that night--------------------------------------
> "Dinner's ready!!" Kasumi yelled.
> Everybody rushed to the kitchen and immediately sat down.
CROW: Because the floor had just been waxed! HAAAAAAAA!
TOM [To Mike]: He's losing it.
> Except Akane.
> "Akane, dinners ready!" Kasumi yelled.
> "I'll go get her, that deaf canhead." said Ranma.
> He quickly walked to the living room
MIKE: Have you noticed how everyone does everything either quickly or violently?
> and said, "Hurry up Akane, I'm
> starving, and so is everyone else!!"
> "Just a sec, I'm watching the news."
> "On todays top story, 100 of people has been attacked by a unknown
> disease. This strange disease makes the people have a ghastly smile across
> their face and makes the person laugh to hard, sometimes causing death."
> Ranma Immediately stopped in his track and ran to the T.V. set.
> "We don't know what causes the disease but pl..."
CROW [newscaster]: Although scientists have not ruled out this fanfic as a
possibility...
TOM: Especially about the causing death part.
> The news reporter suddenly stopped when the Joker came out and pushed him
> aside. "Hello people of Japan, you folks out there probably don't know me,
> well, my name is the Joker, a well known criminal in the U.S of A.
MIKE: Cause the Japanese people don't know anything about anything that
happens in America, of course.
CROW: And they never read comic books!
TOM: In Japan, they'd actually be called 'manga', you know.
CROW: Otaku.
> Well, you people are probably asking yourself, 'What does this jackass want',
> well, for the people who saying that right now, here is my answer.
TOM [Scar from 'The Lion King']: Oh goodie...
MIKE [singing]: Daisy, Daisy, give me your answer, do!
> I want
> to take over this pathetic country, and use it as my very own play-ground.
> BUT! I'll give you a chance, you can either surrender yourself, or make
> someone come and stop me. I'll give two hours, and if you still haven't
> surrender yet, your gonna have a hell of a good time when I release my
> large tank of Joker Venom that's going to engulf this patethic country and
> kill every single one of you out there. Now I bring you back to your
> regularly schedule program.
CROW [Joker]: Have a nice day!
MIKE: Wow...this is like most news reports on disasters.
> Oh and one more thing, my hide-out is in the
> Abandoned fair grounds, SEE YA! HAHAHAHAAHAHAHAHAHAAH!!!!!!!!!!!" laughed
> the Joker as ran off.
> Ranma suddenly stood up and walked to the door. "Where you going Ranma?
> Are you going to face him?" asked Akane.
CROW [Ranma]: No, I'm going to pants him!
> "Yea, that's right." said Ranma as he ran out the door. "You fool! You
> think I'm letting you go alone?!" said Akane as she took off.
> Ranma was at the entrance of the fair,
MIKE: Whoa! Time warp!
TOM: Don't say that! That would mean aliens kidnapped him, and then this
would be an X-Files crossover too!
CROW [Mulder]: What if someone could actually change from a man into a
woman? And don't just think of the dating possibilities.
> and looked in. All he saw was torn
> up tents, a deserted haunted house, a broken down roller-coaster, and some
> other childish rides. "Hmph, I don't even know how he could live here."
> said Ranma as he opened the gate and walked in.
CROW [Ranma]: No TV or nothin'.
> Then all of a sudden
> everything seemed to come alive, the tents lit up, the roller-coaster
> started to move, the haunted house started to make ghostly noises, the
> merry-go-round started to turn and the other rides started to function.
> "Welcome, Ranny-boy, I see that you finally made it. Well I'm glad,
> because your gonna have a good time!!"
TOM [singing]: Celebrate good times, come on!
MIKE [shuddering]: Stop that!!!
> said the Joker, whose voice seemed
> to echo everywhere. "Where are you Joker!?" Ranma yelled.
> "Ah, Ah, Ah, can't tell you."
> Then the guns in the shooting gallery started to turn at Ranma and shoot.
> "Woah!!" Ranma barely jumped in time, enough time to see the bullets whiz
> by
MIKE: Don't even THINK about it, Crow!
> him. Ranma then flipped towards the guns, and destroyed them all with his
> kick. "Ranma!!" yelled the voice.
> Ranma spun around to see Akane, Ryouga, and Mousse run towards him. "What
> are doing here?" asked Ranma.
> "I decided to bring some help Ranma." said Akane.
TOM: Yeah, two guys who are always trying to kill him.
CROW [Akane]: They're here to help ME! Hehehehe!
> "Look, Akane, I don't need any help, I can take care of myself."
> "Your gonna need the help, Ranny-boy!!" said the Joker.
MIKE: I'm afraid he thinks that's a funny name to call him.
CROW: Vegita, whoever you are, curse you!!! [sobs]
MIKE: Hey, calm down! We'll survive this!
> Ranma then stood there silently and finally said, "Al right then you can
> come, oh and Mousse, you better put on your glasses."
> "I don't need them.... Well, okay." He decided as he took out his glasses.
> "I'm coming to Ranma." said Akane.
MIKE: Come to Ranma! Here girl! [whistles]
> "No! Your staying here in case some trouble comes!" Ranma stated firmly.
> "Bu.."
> "No buts, your staying, let's go."
CROW: How do you know she was going to say 'but'? It could've been...
uhh... burger!
[Mike and Tom look at him]
CROW: Sorry...
> "I agree with Ranma, it's better for you to stay."
> "Hurry up P-chan!!" yelled Ranma.
> "Who is this P-chan?!!!?!" Ryouga yelled as he ran towards Ranma.
MIKE: Okay, hang on, Ryouga IS P-Chan, right? On the same principle as Ranma
turns into a girl? And Ranma knows who he is whatever sex he is,
right? So why is Ryouga going on about 'who is P-Chan'?
TOM: It's meant to be wacky.
MIKE: Ohhhh...
> Minutes later.
> "All right, Mousse, I want you to go to the roller-coaster and check
> things out, and Ryouga, well, you just wander around a bet, While I go
> into the haunted house.
> Then they went off into different directions. First, we see Ranma opening
> a door.
CROW: I feel like I'm right there.
> "Hello?!" Ranma Yelled. 'Hello, hello, hello' echoed back. "Hmph,
> just my voice." Then he walked in. The door then shuted tightly behind him
> and the lights went out. "Heh, I don't need light to see, I could just use
> my senses."
TOM: He could, if there WAS any sense in this story.
> and started walking. "Ho, Ho, Ho, you better watch out where
> ya steppin, or you just might "fall"." hollered the Joker. "Ahhhh, shut
> up."
MIKE: That showed him!
> and he started to walk again. Then the floor under Ranma fell open.
> "Oh SHIT!" he yelled as he started to slide down a slippery, fast slide.
> Then he came out and started to fall to a pit of spikes. "AAAHHHHHHHH,
> crap!!" he yelled as he started a position to flip. Then with all his
> strength he lightly touched the spikes with the heel of his foot and
> jumped off to a nearby wall. Then all he did was jump wall-to-wall.
CROW [Ranma]: Easy, really. Just a little trick I picked up in my spare time.
> "You
> know Ranny-boy, you can't do this forever." Echoed the Joker. "Crap! He's
> right! Sooner or later I gonna get to tired, MAN! I better think of
> something, and fast!!" Ranma thought. He then jumped to the nearest wall
> and yelled, "KASHI TENSHIN AMAGURI-KEN!!!"
MIKE: 'Cause that helps and all...
TOM: Ken? [Singing] They tried to kill him with a forklift!
CROW: Agh! Cut that out!
> and then he broke the wall,
> reaveling a hidden room. "Jack pot!!!" he yelled as he crawled in.
CROW: I'm surprised it wasn't a chamber pot, what with all the shit and crap.
TOM: I think it already is!
MIKE: All right, guys...just because Vegita uses those words is no excuse
for you to use them.
> Mousse.
> "Hmmmmm, now why did Ranma tell me to go to this roller-coaster?" he asked
> to himself. "What am I supposed to do here?"
> He then walked up to the roller-coaster, sat down, and said, "AHHHH, this
> ride would be more fun if Shampoo was here with me." and almost drifted
> off to sleep,
MIKE: I know Mousse is supposed to be a little out of it, but sleeping? NOW??
TOM: [waking up] Snort - wha'? [blink blink] Did you say something, Mike?
MIKE: Forget it.
> when the coaster started to move. "Huh, what the?!"
TOM: I see...this fanfic can say shit and crap, but it can't say hell.
MIKE: No, well, even Vegita has standards.
> the bar in his seat then moved and locked itself tightly around Mousse.
> "Hey! what the?!"
MIKE: Admirable consistency!
CROW: Yeah, just squishy enough without being mushy.
> Then the roller-coaster shot up high into the sky in
> tremendous speed and came down as fast as a speeding car. "So, why do you
> like my ride....Mousse." echoed the Joker. "I't-t-t-t-t's to-o-o-o
> f-f-f-fast!!" Mousse stammered.
MIKE: So that's why he likes it?
TOM: Pedant!
CROW: Oh, I hear there are a lot of them on the internet...and cults....
MIKE: What?
> "What? You want it faster? Sure thing!"
CROW: Do you want to go...faster?
> Then the coaster went even faster, and Mousse could see light around him,
> with little lasers going by. Mousse quickly took out a scmitiar,
TOM: Which is a very sharp stringed instrument...
MIKE: What?
CROW: You're a little slow today, Mike...
> cut the
> bar into tiny pieces and jumped off. "AAAAHHHHH!!" Mousse could see two
> hyena's below him, with tongue sticking out, laughing. Mousse then
> extending his arms, and 20 chains came out, tangling the two dogs. Mousse
> then picked them up, and threw them across Japan. "Stupid mutt."
TOM: Oh, Two Stupid Dogs! I love that show!
MIKE: He did that without breaking a sweat!
CROW: Remember, Japan is just one city according to this guy.
MIKE: Even so...
> "POODUMS!" yelled Harley behind Mousse. "You hurt my poodums!!"
> "Heh, and who are you?"
> "I'm Harley, what did you do to my pets?!"
> "I merely threw them across Japan."
TOM [Harley]: Oh, that's okay, then.
> "What!!" she then took out a gun, pointed it at mousse, and said, "Your
> gonna die!!"
> Mousse backed off, took out a small pin from his sleeve, and threw it at
> Harley. It sharply hit Harleys hand, dropping her gun.
> "Owwww!"
CROW: Mousse: Combat Tailor!
> Mousse then punched Harley, took out a rope, and tied her up.
> Ryouga
> "Where am I?" asked Ryouga to himself as he was walking along the border
> of China.
TOM: Erggh! The sea! The sea! You're at the sea!
CROW [Tattoo]: The plane, Boss, the plane!
MIKE: Where does Vegita think Japan is, Kowloon?
TOM: Geographic pedant!
CROW: What, he's got an unhealthy obsession with newly-formed countries?
MIKE: Don't start that again!
> Ranma
> "Where the heck am I!? yelled Ranma as he walked in a long, dark hallway.
MIKE: You're... in a long, dark hallway. C'mon, get with the script.
TOM: You know what's wrong with this story? Ranma hasn't turned into a
girl and lost his shirt yet.
CROW: That would improve it 1000%.
> "Grunt, grunt."
> "Huh, who's there?!"
TOM: Unusual format for a knock-knock joke...
MIKE: It's Babe!
ALL: Baa, ram, ewe! Baa, ram, ewe!
> Then a person came in view. "Oh, don't try to scare me like that again
> man."
> said Ranma.
> Then the person picked up his hand,
CROW: Which he'd clumsily dropped.
> and whacked Ranma across the face.
> "OW!"
> Ranma then saw wires coming from his arm. "UHH, man! What's happening to
> you?!"
> The wires then lunged towards Ranma and tangled him up. "URK! You stupid
> sonava..Ack!"
MIKE: Sonova Ack? Is this a new insult we should know?
CROW: We need to know ALL of them.
TOM: Yes, for when we finally meet up with Vegita...
> About 5 wires went right through Ranma's leg.
MIKE: Don't you think this is unnecessarily gross?
TOM: Not for Vegita.
> Ranma, in pain, yelled in
> anger, built up his confidence extending his arms out,
TOM: Cause that always made him feel like a 'big man'...
CROW: Enough, Servo!
> and yelled, "MOKO
> TAKABISHA!!" A powerful blast erupted from Ranma's hands and blew the
> robot away. "HUHH, HUHH, HUHH," wheezed Ranma.
> "Hmmmmm, this one could be trouble." whispered the Joker.
> Ranma then looked up and saw a little eyeball looking through a tiny piece
> of glass, on the ceiling. "I got you now Joker!!"
TOM [Singing as Cher]: I got you babe...
MIKE: Am I gonna have to take away your CD collection, Tom?
> Ranma then leapt 50 feet into the air and yelled "KASHI TENSHIN
> AMAGURIKEN!!"
CROW: He just felt like it.
MIKE: Well, those cries have a certain significance in Japanese.
TOM: Why can't he say 'Moon Cutie Make-up' like any reasonable person?
> Ranma blew up the ceiling, and climbed in. He looked around, but didn't
> see any Joker. "Dammit! Where are you?!" and then from the corner of his
> eye, he saw a door slightly ajar. Ranma kicked the door down
CROW [Ranma]: Only wussies use handles!
> and saw the Joker running to another door at end of the hall. "Not this time." said
> Ranma as he flipped over to the Joker. "Gah! Not you again!" screamed the
> Joker.
> Ranma then grabbed him by the cloak, threw him down, and coldly said,
> "Show's over Joker, your fun-and-gamed is history."
> "No! Not that phrase again!" screamed the Joker.
MIKE: That phrase? When has this been said before?
TOM: Beats me, I'm repressing it as fast as I can.
> Then he backed off, and
> took out a gun. "How's this Ranma?!" He then pulled the trigger, and a
> bullet flew to Ranma. He easily jumped over the bullet, and did a jump
> kick to Joker's smiley jaw. The Joker then busted out of a window. Ranma
> then leaned forward and saw him on the ground unconscience.
MIKE: Well, that certainly was a thrilling and action-packed climax.
> ------------------3 days later-----------------------------------------
> The Joker was taken back to Gotham, to be jailed up in Arkham Asylum.
> Later that night, the Joker was staring out of his barred window thinking
> of what he did this past week. After he was done, he said to himself,
> "That was fun. I gotta do it again."
TOM: Sweet Lord, no!
MIKE [Joker]: Me like getting kicked in jaw!
CROW: Hey! Ranma never turned into a girl! We've been totally gypped!
TOM: And are Shampoo and Ukyo dead or what? Did Genma ever find anything
to eat? None of the important questions have been answered!
MIKE: Oh no... are you thinking what I'm thinking?
ALL: A SEQUEL! AAAAAUUUGGGGH!
> **** > > Well, I hope you enjoyed this story as much as I did.
CROW: Unless you also enjoy gouging out your eyeballs with political flyers, I doubt it!
> If you liked this story, you can be on the look out for some of my future works,
MIKE: Oh, we'll be on the look-out, all right. With an axe.
> like:
> Dragon Ball Z: Alien Force, and Ranma 1/2: Mousse clone? If you would like
> to comment me on this story, you can E-mail. Well, I gotta go! See ya!
TOM: ...in hell!
> Vegita1941
CROW: Whoa. I feel violated.
TOM [Chandler]: And not in a good way.
MIKE: Well, with a Friends quote, that looks like the perfect end to the
perfect day.
[all look at each other and burst into tears.]
TOM [sobbing]: Let's just get out of here!
[Mike and the bots leave the theater, reverse door sequence]
[SOL]
[Mike, Tom, and Crow are sitting around looking stunned.]
TOM: I can't believe that actually happened! It was horrible!
All those poor innocent Ranma characters, butchered like that!
MIKE: Yeah...it was awful.
CROW: And the even worse treatment of the Batman characters!
MIKE: Vegita, how could you do that! Oh, the humanity...
[Blue light flashes]
TOM: Hey, Mike! Someone's calling!
MIKE: The pain..oh, the pain!
TOM: MIIIIIKE!
MIKE: Huh, er...what?
TOM: Someone's calling!
MIKE: Cambot, put it on screen!
CROW: Oooh, very Captain Picard there, Mike.
MIKE: Shhh!
[The viewscreen opens to reveal Akane, dressed like one of the mythical Men in Black (MIBs) of UFO subculture fame]
AKANE: Hello? Is this the residence of Mr. Michael Nelson, Mr. Crow T.
Robot, Mr. Thomas Servo, and a Ms. Gypsy?
MIKE: Er, yes it is.
AKANE: I represent all of us in the Ranma 1/2 cast, and have been duly
appointed as Regional Manager of Outer Space for the Suppression and
Recovery of Unauthorized Fictional Materials.
TOM: Wow...anime bureaucracy!
AKANE: Precisely. And I hereby declare that the fanfic you have just read
to be an illegal and potentially hazardous item, as well as a
threat to the national security of both the United States and Japan,
and I therefore must confiscate it.
CROW: You're welcome to it!
AKANE: Thank you. Normally there would be a serious penalty for
possession of this material, but we've taken into consideration the
fact that you were forced into viewing this material against your
will, and did not participate in obtaining it. As a result, no fine
will be assessed.
MIKE: Um. Thank you.
AKANE: In fact, the transmissions to Earth from the brain-monitoring
devices in the theater were intercepted by our agency, and were
instrumental in locating the source of the fanfic broadcast. A
minor recompense is in order.
MIKE: A what?
AKANE: A reward!
MIKE: Oh.
CROW: Money! Hah! What should we spend it on? Cars? Women? A lifetime's
supply of Life Savers?
TOM: Nono! An Olympic-sized swimming pool filled with colored marshamallows!
CROW: No, wait! I have a better...
MIKE [interrupting]: Sorry, guys. We have to use the money to pay the
bills from Tom's failed animation studio.
TOM [grumbling]: Rub it in, why don't you...
AKANE [clearing throat]: Yes, well, thank you again for your
assisstance. Our operative is at this moment advancing on the
source of the fanfic's transmission to sieze the material and to
exact punishment on the perpetrators. [cheerily] Byebye now!
[The viewscreen closes]
TOM: Huh. I wonder what she meant by that.
CROW: Let's check in on Dr. Forrester and Frank and find out!
MIKE: Hmm...good idea. But no eating popcorn as you watch this time, okay?
[D13]
[The place looks trashed. Dr. Forrester is looking rather singed, holding the tape in front of him placatingly. Shampoo, dressed in a LOT of commando military gear, is advancing on him]
DR. F: Aheheh...here's the tape, sorry about any misunderstanding there,
miss...
SHAMPOO [snatching the tape]: You show bad tape of Shampoo! Shampoo make
you pay! Give you Chinese burn!
DR. F: Ulp!
[Frank, still dressed in his Sailor Moon outfit, suddenly leaps between them]
FRANK [falsetto]: I shall protect you! Moon Space Airhead Lance Beam!
[Frank rushes at Shampoo and carries her offscreen. There is the sound of combat, loud crashes, and clattering as sundry items fly back onscreen]
DR. F: Frank! Look out for her...[crunching, thumping sound]. Never mind!
[Dr. Forrester turns to the camera]
DR. F: Well, until next time. And don't think I won't want revenge for this! If I ever make it out of this alive, it's a steady diet of Ratliff for you three!
[Another loud crash from offscreen]
DR. F: Push the button, Frank! And stop bleeding all over the carpet!
[A rag-doll 'Frank' comes flying back onscreen and lands on the console]
\ | /
\ | /
\|/
---O--- Fwshhhh!
/|\
/ | \
/ | \
SHAMPOO [voiceover]: And now Shampoo take care of you, funny moustache
man! Hi-yaaa!
DR. F [voiceover]: Mommy!
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Mystery Science Theater 3000 and its related characters and situations
are trademarks of and (c) 1994 by Best Brains, Inc. All rights reserved.
Ranma 1/2 and its related characters and situations (even if the
situations as presented here are lame and the characters are almost
unrecognizable) Copyright Rumiko Takahashi/Shogakukan Inc./Kitty/Fuji TV.
All rights reserved.
Batman, the Joker, etc etc are all copyrighted by and probably trademarks of Warner Brothers, Inc. All rights reserved. You know the drill...
Use of copyrighted and trademarked material is for entertainment purposes only; no infringement on the original copyrights or trademarks held by Best Brains, Inc., Rumiko Takahashi/Shogakukan Inc./Kitty/Fuji TV, and Warner Brothers Inc., is intended or should be inferred.
This MiSTing is not intended as a personal attack on Vegita (whoever he/she is), and all statements that may be construed as such are for comedic entertainment purposes only (oooh, big words). Plus, the fanfic was REALLY bad, so deal with it, pink boy!
The fanfic Ranma 1/2: Ranma vs. the Joker is copyright (such as it is) Vegita, and no infringement on that copyright is intended. Used without permission.
This MiSTing copyright 1997 K. A. Pezzano and Sarah Dove (but this whole thing is on such shaky legal ground anyways...why bother? I give up!!)
Screen-dwindling-to-a-dot ASCII art swiped from Adam Cadre's MiSTing of 'The Eye of Argon'. Sorry!
> But Genma didn't see anyone. He then roared in hunger and defeat of no food.