Mike: Hey everyone, Mike Nelson here on the Satellite of Love. Servo has been
watching too many soap operas lately. It seems he started watching them on a dare by
Crow, and it just blew out of hand...
(Tom runs out excited.)
Tom: Hey, Mike, guess what? Tina isn't really pregnant!! She has just been lying so she
could take Steve away from Laura
Mike: Hey, hey. Calm down there. How much sleep have you gotten recently?
Tom: Sleep? How can one sleep when the identity of Roger's killer is going to be revealed only days from now?
Mike: Listen, we've got a long fanfic coming up, you'd better get a little sleep before we
start. (Walks off)
Tom: Sleep? Ha! I'm not tired at.... (collapses sound asleep)
(Commercials)
(Crow quickly awakens Tom. Crow has an eye patch for some odd reason.)
Crow: Tom! Tom! Wake up...
Tom: (groggy) russ meyer.... (suddenly awake) Huh?
Crow: Mike is gone... I can't find him anywhere.
Tom: Crow, you have an eye patch.
Crow: Well duh. Are you sure you're alright?
Tom: (Confused) Um, I'm fine... I think.. hey, is "General Hospital on yet?
Crow: I wouldn't know... have you seen Mike? Our smart and witty wisecracks are useless without him as our dimwitted straight man!
Tom: I haven't seen him... have you checked his room?
Crow: Oh yeah! I knew there was someplace I forgot to look! (exits)
(Gypsy enters)
Gypsy: Is he gone?
Tom: Hey Gypsy, have you seen Mike?
Gypsy: Hush my dear... no words are needed between lovers...
Tom: (Really confused) What??
Gypsy: Our love affair must remain a secret. Goodness knows what my husband would
think.
Tom: Husband!?
Gypsy: Yeah, Crow.
Tom: Crow's your husband?
Gypsy: Quiet.... if he should find out, he would attack you without mercy. You know his
temper!
Tom: Temper?
Gypsy: Yeah, he has had that temper ever since he recovered from his amnesia. Goodbye
my love.... (leaves)
Tom: How long have I been asleep? (Button flashes.) Maybe Pearl can fill me in.
(Instead of Castle Forrester, we see a large office building. Pearl is standing in front
of a window showing the skyline of the city. She is at some sort of corporate meeting
with some of her main employees: Observer, Professor Bobo, Ortega, Puck, and two
other anonymous businessmen [played by Bridget Jones and Michael Nelson].)
Pearl: When my son, Clayton, died under "mysterious circumstances," (takes a moment
to chuckle) I took over this ragtag business and turned it into a media empire!!! I am the
richest woman in America according to Fortune 500, and am one of People Magazine's
"Ten best dressed evil businesswomen!"
Observer: I fail to understand how this relates to anything
Pearl: Well, if I'm such an important person, why can't I get a decent cup of coffee? I've
drank Publix Cola that tastes better than this! Who made this?
Businesswoman (Bridget Jones): I did Mrs. Forrester.
Pearl: What did you call me?
Bridget: Um.... I mean Lawgiver...
Pearl: You're fired!!!
(Bridget runs off crying)
Businessman (Mike): Are you sure that was fair to fire her like that?
Pearl: Okay, two points. One, yes it was unfair of me to fire her like that. Two, you're
also fired! (laughs)
(Mike walks off.)
Puck: I simply cannot handle this job anymore! I've worked for the most evil people in
history: Genghis Khan, Adolf Hitler, Walt Disney.... but never, and I mean NEVER, have
I come across one more difficult to work with you! (walks off) I'm going back to my
job at Comedy Central! I gave them "Absolutely Fabulous," they owe me!
Pearl: Good riddance. Bobo, Ortega, Brain Guy, you three are the only ones I can trust in
the world. (puts on headphones) Now, while I listen to my Billy Squire tape, you go
send up the fanfic to the Three Amigos.
Observer: (To Bobo) I can't believe this. We do all the actual work around here yet she
gets all the money and credit!
Bobo: Yeah, and the health care plan sucks, too!
Observer: (Holds up box) Luckily we found the perfect way to force her to resign!
Bobo: Yeah, then we will rule as co-presidents!
Observer: (nervous) Um... yes, exactly.... we'll be "Co"-presidents. (begins to laugh
maniacally, then spots Tom) Oh, hello... er.... Red One.... you have a 007 fanfic today!
(SoL) Tom: James Bond? Cool. He's impossible to write badly.
(Office building)
Observer: No, you misunderstand. You are going to be getting a X-Men fanfic by Shera Crawler 007. It's entitled "Sinister Unmasked" and it's a "joke fanfic" of sorts filled with gender changes, jokes that usually don't work, and, of course,self-insertion. Bon appetite!
(SoL) Tom: Man, this has been a long host segment.
(Crow returns with a mustached Mike.)
Crow: I found him...
Tom: Hey, like the new look... (button flashes) Oh no, we got fanfic sign!
(enter theater)
> DISCLAIMER: Cll char. OTHER n all the ones you don't recognize, is
> Marvel's,
Mike: Hey, I recognize her name... does that mean she is property of Marvel?
> God knows why they want em when their gonna try to kill the best
> ones off and drop em in Antarctica all the time though.
Tom: They're dropped off into "The Land of Misfit Mutants."
Crow: So that's what's happened to Mimic, Dazzler, Longshot, and most of the New
Mutants!
> I ain't making any moolah off of this, actually I'm living in a cardboard box,
Tom: (Shera) I live in a cardboard box, yet I have a computer...
Mike: It was a joke Tom.
> so it be a little hard
> to get any from me. The lint in my pockets is a little lonely and is gonna stay
> that way.
Crow: She so loves to torture her lint....
> Sinister Unmasked!
Tom: Mr. Sinister MTV Unmasked Live in New York. Featuring The Residents, Los Straitjackets, Klaatu, and ? and the Mysterians!
> By Shera Crawler 007
Mike: Crawler. Shera Crawler.
> Sinister was excited even though he didn't show it.
Crow: He was always like that the day before Christmas....
> He finally had a fool proof plan to capture Jean Grey. He had a machine that would
> capture her mind,
Tom: Unfortunately it was made by ACME, so you have a good idea about how the rest
of this story is going to go...
> and what the stupid X-men wanted to do with her body was of no concern to him.
Mike: Um... I think is an indication on to where this story is heading.
> He just needed a way to lure her here. That was almost too easy.
>
> He called in his 'Levolents "Go to New York City and kidnap some people and destroy
> something. Make sure they know it's you."
Crow: They'll leave a monogrammed handkerchief.
> He turned back to his new machine as they filed out.
>
> It never hurt to double check everything.
Tom: Tell that to Ed Wood or Roger Corman...
> The only other person in the room was the 'Levolent that would help him carry out his
> evil plan. Arcane sat in a chair in the corner stiff and straight, but she would be more
> than willing to help him when the time came.
Mike: In the meantime she was content to play with her "Game Boy."
> Cerebro's alarms screeched out in the mansion, bringing all the X-men running to the > computer room to see why.
Crow: False alarm, the dog tripped the lasers again...
> They entered the room at a dead run and fell to the floor as their feet slipped out from
> under them. They landed in a tangled heap in the floor.
Tom: The Keystone X-Men.
> As they were falling Wolverine managed to "accidentally" punch Scott in the mouth.
> They struggled for a moment trying to untangle themselves, but it wasn't working.
Mike: Evil mutants destroying life as we know it? No biggie. Getting through doors is
the real challenge for the X-Men
> Jean finally froze the others telepathically so she could get out from under them and
> check Cerebro. The others were still tangled in the doorway.
>
> "Hey! Wolverine that hurt." Scott's voice was high and squeaky because
Crow: He was going through puberty.
> Wolverine had once again "accidentally" kicked him in the crotch.
>
> "Sorry, bub it was an accident, I meant to hit you here." Wolverine punched him in the jaw. "
Tom: Cyclops and Wolverine: three year olds.
> Hey if you guys would, like, hold still I could get out." They ignored Jubilee
Mike: Who wouldn't?
> and kept "accidentally" hitting each other.
>
> Wolverine managed to hit Cyke on the jaw for the fourth time, and he was sick of it.
> "Alright I'm warning you (oof, Wolvie punched him in the stomach),
Crow: Is Cyclops saying "oof, Wolvie punched him in the stomach" as an aside or is it
just a weird grammar mistake?
Tom: (Damned) if (I know.)
> If you don't quit (bam in the jaw again) Don't make me hurt you (Pow, in the chest)
> (Crunch, on the jaw) "Alright that's it (bam on the jaw)"
Mike: Cyclops stars in the Hurricane McNeely story!
> Cyke said as he raised his hand to his rose colored visor
Crow: Hey, he really does see the world through rose colored glasses.
> ready to blast Wolvie into next week, when he suddenly couldn't move.
>
> Wolverine managed to punch him on the jaw again before he also froze.
>
> Jubilee slipped her way to where Jean sat "Man Jean you waxed the floor again didn't
> you? That's the third time this week."
Tom: The previously unhinted upon "obsessive compulsion disorder" character flaw in
Jean Grey
> Jean grinned,"Actually it's the fifth, but who's counting? It's the only thing I do that
> those two won't stand around and bug me. And as for you two," Jean's voice was filled
> with anger, "until you start acting your age your going to stay on that floor. You should
> be ashamed of yourselves, grown men acting like children while the 'Levolents kidnap > innocent people and destroy public property."
Mike: (Cyclops) We are not acting like children!
Crow: (Jean Grey) Are too!
Mike: (Cyclops) Am not!
Crow: (Jean Grey) Are too!
> Jubilee quit popping her gum to ask, "Really where?"
>
> "They are destroying the mall right now."
Tom: Jean is remarkably apathetic about this whole kidnapping and destroying thing.
> "NO!! THEY COULDN'T, THEY WOULDN'T NOT THE MALL. We have to get down > there and stop them before they ruin that dress I saw. By the way if the dress is still
> there can I get it?"
Mike: (singing) Valley Girl... she's a Valley Girl...
> Jean smiled at her, "Yes, but if we don't hurry there won't BE a mall to go to."
Crow: No! That would create a serious depletion in All-Year Christmas stores and restaurants that serve only pretzels!!!
> They stood and slipped and slid to the door.
Mike: Slip N' Slide? Whatever happened to those?
> They stepped over Wolverine and Scott
> disdainfully. Jean released them when she was on the other side. They stayed on the
> floor glaring at each other trying to decide if they should continue the fight now or later.
Tom: (Wolverine) Fight good guy for no particular reason or save lives and property? Decisions, decisions, decisions...
> "If you two don't knock it off and come on I'll...I'll." She paused and smiled sweetly,
> "Scott you'll be sleeping outside, and Logan you won't be on any missions for a month
> and you'll clean the kitchen for a week."
Crow: (Jean) In a pink apron!!!
> Wolverine growled while Scott turned bright red, but they both got up and followed
> Jean to the Blackbird.
Tom: (singing) Blackbird singing in the dead of night....
> They got in a shove fight over who got to go in the plane first, and who got to fly it, but
> otherwise they straightened up.
Mike: Until they began fighting over who would get the window seat!
Crow: (Jean) If you guys don't stop, I'm going to turn this car around!
> I love them both, but sometimes they get on my nerves. I just want to abandon them in
> some far off country when they get like this, Jean thought to herself.
>
> The rest of the team were on vacation in Hawaii,
Tom: With the Brady Bunch.
> leaving them behind as the emergency
> team. When they traded positions and she got to Hawaii she was stealing Logan and
> Scott's credit card's and taking Jubilee on a week long shopping trip. That should teach > them.
>
> Jean couldn't help but hit Scott
Crow: My god, the X-Men are going to kill each other before they even reach the bad guys!
> (he was the one closest to her) on the head when she saw what was left of the mall.
Mike: The only thing left standing is the organ store... the Malevolents didn't seem to think it was worth the effort to destroy.
> All the people were gone and the mall was a big pile of rubble. Nothing was left standing.
Tom: So, while Wolverine and Cyclops were too busy punching each other... they let an entire building get destroyed. Something is not right.
> Jubilee was chewing Wolverine out for wasting time, but she stopped suddenly in the
> middle of her lecture to run to the wreckage. Jean held her breath
Mike: ... until Cyclops and Wolverine would stop fighting.
> hoping she had found a clue, but released it disappointedly when Jubilee returned.
Crow: Did she return to save innocents from the broken wreckage of the mall?
> Jubes was holding out a green velvet dress,
Crow: Of course she wouldn't save innocents.... she has to get her dress.
> and was beside herself with joy, "This is the dress I told you about, isn't it just, like, the
> coolest! Where do I pay?". Jean shook her head.
Mike: (Jubilee) This is like, totally groovy to the max, y'know? I mean, this is like, the ultimo-primo, radical dress! Totally!
> "Wait darlin, there's somethin pinned to the front of it." Jean and Jubilee both looked at
> him in shock, that was the first sentence he'd said all week that wasn't insulting Scott, or > complaining.
Tom: It's that "time of the month" again.
> He looked a little embarrassed.
>
> "It's a note." Scott happily stated the obvious.
Mike: (sarcastic) Duh. You couldn't get more obvious, Slim.
> Wolverine glared at him," I think Jubilee would say 'Duh', you couldn't get more
> obvious Slim."
Mike: Hey!!!
> Jean ignored their bickering and unpinned the note from the dress and attempted to read
> it outloud:
Crow: Dear Miss Grey,
You are cordially invited to a minor scrimmage in Mr. Sinister's headquarters this Thursday at eight p.m. Black tie only.
Your evil adversaries,
The Malevolents
P.S. BYOB
> X-men This iz the Malevolents. We hav cidnaped som peopl. If yu don't
> com to 1153 Villain Lane, Evilville,
Mike: Oddly enough that's located right next to Plesantville.
> New York rite away Sinister wil do
> somthin relly bad to them. They won't lik it. We wer the ones that
> wreked the mail. The MALEVOLENT'S P.s. Don't bring Jean Grey, she would
> beet us.
Crow: So... Stephen Ratliff is one of the Malevolents. Makes sense.
Tom: Come on, Crow, he hasn't had major spelling mistakes since the first couple of Marissa stories. There's such a thing as ragging too much on a fellow.
Crow: No there isn't.
>
> Okay, this is Venom,
Mike: I thought he was a Spider-Man villain.
> unofficial spokesperson for the Malevolent's I just
> wanted to tell all you gullible readers out there that all the members of
> this group have an extensive education. We have all been through collage,
Tom: Was that an intentional mistake, designed as a joke to prove that the Malevolents
are stupid, or just a simple spelling mistake? The world will never know.
> and many of us are doctors and lawyers.
Crow: I don't find it hard to believe that the evil morons were once lawyers.
> I find it offensive that just
> because we are the "bad guys" we get stuck with the stereotype that we are
> stupid. Thank you.
Mike: (singing) Faletineme Be Mice Elf Again!!!
> "What do you think of it Scott." Jean glanced at her husband when she said this. "
>
> I think that the Malevolents wreaked the mall, Sinister is on Villains Lane
Crow: Which is right next to Lover's Lane, which leads to a large amount of horny
teenagers getting murdered.
> with the
> kidnapped people, and that someone forgot to teach the 'Levolents how to spell." Scott
> said all this with a proud, smug superiority.
Tom: He said it like Ben Watson? (obscure reference for Zappa fans)
> Wolverine rolled his eyes, and Jean could hear him mumbling something about Scott's
> drug addict parents dropping him on his head.
Crow: Okay, now the author is just projecting....
(Mike hits Crow.)
Crow: Hey!!!! What? Do you think I'm being a little hard on Ms. Crawler?
Mike: It was "an accident."
> Now it was her turn to roll her eyes as she turned and walked in the plane.
>
> She turned around to find Logan and Scott already in a shove fight again.
Tom: (Wolverine) Hey, you pushed me first!
Mike: (Cyclops) Did not!
> Jubilee was happily singing in the plane's bathroom trying on her new dress.
>
> Jean walked to the pilot's seat determined to stop the 'Levolents even if no one else
> would help her.
Crow: Wise decision, I doubt that the two arguing five year olds and the valley girl
would be of much help.
> Scott and Logan stared after the plane in shock, they couldn't believe Jean would just
> leave them like that. Logan shook his head and glanced at Scott. He was still staring in > shock, with his mouth hanging open. Logan grinned and decided to help him close it, he > sucker punched him on his already bruised and swollen jaw, again. They both quickly
> forgot all about Jean leaving, because they were in a knock-out-drag-out fight in no
> time.
Tom: I get it! This is an X-Men vs. Street Fighter fanfic!
> This is Scott, yeah Scott Summers. I just want all you readers to know that
> this story is stupid.
Mike: Way to go Scottster!
Crow: Score one for Summers.
> I'm not really that dumb,
Tom: I'm slightly less dumb than that.
> and me and Logan have been best friends for years. He doesn't really like Jean, and she's not
> my wife, he's involved with Jubilee,
All: (Shudder.)
Mike: I would just like to point out the fact that Wolverine is over fifty and Jubilee is
about seventeen.
> so don't listen to that crazy writer up there. I
> think she's the one that got dropped on her head.
Crow: See Mike, Cyclops agrees with me and he's the level-headed "just the facts" guy.
> Jean parked the plane on the road in front a huge warehouse
Tom: Oh, Sinister is time sharing with Dr. Zac.
> type building on Villains
> Lane. She knew she was in the right place because of the huge neon sign above the
> building that said SINISTER'S LAB in big letters. She walked in cautiously leaving
> Jubes in the bathroom still singing her heart out.
Mike: She's still singing? What is she singing: MacArthur's Park? Hey Jude? Stairway
to Heaven?
> She was immediately attacked by the > 'Levolents while Sinister stood behind them watching closely.
>
> There were too many of them, she didn't have a chance... unless...
Crow: Is she going to use her amazing amount of telekinetic powers to quickly defeat them?
> "HOLD IT, now didn't you know that before a fight you have to answer one of your > opponents questions?"
Crow: ...of course not. That would make since.
> They thought it over for a while then suddenly this big snake-like creature stepped
> forward "Answer our question first, Why do we work for Sinister?"
Tom: He does have a good dental plan...
> Jean thought frantically, she even tried cheating, but their minds were blocked. Then
> she blurted out "Because he let's you stay up past your bedtime." suddenly on impulse.
Mike: (Venom) Correct, we can't miss Conan O'Brien, can we?
> Okay that's it this is stupid. Jean looked at the ceiling forlornly I just want all
> the readers to know that I, Jean Elizabeth Grey, thinks the writer is off
> her rocker,
Crow: Counterpoints, anyone?
(No one says anything.)
Crow: Didn't think so.
> and if I had a choice I wouldn't star in this story for
> anything, please keep in mind that none of this was my idea.
Tom: You know it's just going to get stranger when the CHARACTERS start apologizing
for the story
> And that was about the stupidest reason I've ever heard
>
> This is Venom again, and I completely agree with Jean, that reason is absurd
> and definitely NOT the truth.
Mike: (Venom) Mr. Sinister NEVER let's us up past our bedtimes.
> The snake thing nodded "Correct. Now what is yours?"
Crow: (Jean) Who IS Jimmy Ray?
Tom: What does God need with a starship?
Mike: What weighs more: a ton of feathers or a ton of bricks?
> She grinned evilly, "What is....one plus one?"
Crow: (Malevolent) Eleven?
> The 'Levolents paused stood scratching
> their heads, thinking. One by one they began to pass out.
>
> "No, quit thinking you imbeciles." Sinister yelled at them frantically, but he only
> confused them more, they began to explode now under the strain.
Tom: Yeah, yeah, yeah, the weasels die laughing... saw it in "Roger Rabbit."
> Jean ignored them and stepped toward Sinister.
>
> "Stay back" he had a box in his hands.
Mike: (Sinister) I've got Girl Scout Cookies and I'm NOT afraid to use them!
> He smiled at her triumphantly, "Now your mind
> is MINE." he said as he pressed a button on the box. Then they both passed out in the
> dark warehouse among the exploded bodies of Sinister's 'Levolents.
Crow: Sinister REALLY should stop carrying Carbon Monoxide around in a box.
> Okay bub. I've been readin along, and I didn't complain when ya had me
> beating the stuffin outta Slim, or even when ya had me had me always
> complainin, but what your plannin on doin is the last straw. Ya do it and
> I'll be mad, real mad. Consider yerself warned, oh and all ya readers out
> there with nothin better tah do, I just want'cha ta know that the writer has
> got a screw loose,
Crow: Just ONE?
Tom: Crow, no personal insults against the author. It's in the FAQ.
Crow: Hey, SHE wrote it.
> me and Slim are friends, and Jubes don't act like a teen
> age airhead in real life so jus ignore all that crap.
>
> Jean awoke still in the warehouse a few minutes later. She felt disoriented, but
> otherwise okay. She looked down at herself and saw...black body armor? And a flat
> male chest.
Tom: She's died and been reincarnated as a member of Judas Priest.
> Okay, she must be dreaming she just needed to calm herself, she bit her > finger, nope she was awake.
Mike: And, now, bleeding heavily from her finger.
> She looked up and saw her body a few feet away. Oh God, not this, anything but this.
> She stood and looked at the sky and screamed in rage: WHEN I GET MYHANDS ON
> YOU, YOU'LL NEVER WRITE AGAIN!!!!
All: YAY!!!!!
> YOU ARE GONNA REGRET THIS!! I'M > GOING TO RIP OFF YOUR ARMS AND BEAT YOU OVER THE HEAD WITH > THEM!! YOU ARE GOING TO BE IN A WORLD OF HURT DO YOU HEAR ME > YOUR MINE!! WHEN THIS IS OVER YOU'LL NEVER FIND ANOTHER > CHARACTER AGAIN YOU STUPID (BEEPINGBEEPWITHYOUR > BEEPBEEPBEEP.)
Crow: This has been a test of the Emergency Fanfic System. If this had been a serious fanfic this beep would be followed by information on how to quickly delete it from your computer. This is was only a test.
> Sinister woke up with a splitting headache. He could hear a grating voice screaming > profanities.
Tom: The voice of the reader?
> He was going to have to kill whoever it was because they were making his
> headache worse.
>
> Then he remembered what had happened and stood up quickly. He stopped in shock as
> he felt something flop on his chest he looked down. Only to see...spandex, and lot's of
> it, and breasts,and high-heeled boots.
Mike: (Sinister) Oh no, not AGAIN!
> He WAS A WOMAN.
Crow: The long awaited Jerry Springer/ X-Men crossover!
> His mind blanked. He had done lot's of things, and had lot's of things done to him,
Tom: Especially during his prison years.
> but nothing like THIS! He looked at the screaming man across from him, and realized that
> must be Jean Grey, he couldn't help it he giggled (yes giggled) a little, but it turned into > hysterical laughter that wouldn't stop...Jean a MAN! hahaheeheehahaha. A MAN
> hahaha.
Mike: (Austin Powers) Jean Grey is a MAN, baby!
> He/she was glaring at her/him. He/she couldn't stop laughing though,and Jean took a > menacing step towards him/her.
>
> "GET OUTTA MY BODY!!!"
Crow: (singing) ... and into my car!
> She/he screamed at him
>
> "I can't Jean, the writer won't let us. Don't be so mad it's kinda funny, I mean your a man
> and I'm a woman in spandex hahaha." She /he smiled a little, he only giggled again.
> Then She/he started laughing too,
Tom: These pronouns are giving ME a headache.
> and they collapsed onto each other helplessly > laughing.
>
> A bright light flashed and Jean and Sinister automatically ducked as something
> "whished" over their heads. They looked up to see a blinking neon INTERMISSION
> sign hanging from the ceiling above them. Everything was deathly quiet. Then the
> 'Levolent's got up off the floor, and started filing out the door.
Crow: I see, they weren't quite dead.
> Jean looked shocked, "Where are you going?"
>
> The snake thing looked back at her "We're going across the street for a beer, wanna
> come?"
Mike: (Venom) You should come, it's Ladies Night. Oh, sorry, I forgot.
> Jean smiled weakly, "Um, no thanks. What's going on here?" she asked Sinister who
> was still in her body.
Tom: (singing) I have been in you, babe.... and you have been in me...
> He/she smiled a little, "An intermission,"he told her pointing at the sign, "That writer
> had to get a drink most likely.
Mike: I think we all need a drink after this...
> We probably have five minutes of free time before she
> comes back."
Crow: You heard the man... er, woman.... we've got five minutes of free time before she comes back.
(exit theater)
(Back on the SoL. Mike is drinking a beer while fiddling around with some mechanical
stuff and a bottle of nitroglycerin.
Crow: Mike, what are you doing?
Mike: I'm building some explosives.
Tom: Why, may I ask, are you building explosives?
Mike: (Lowers voice) I'm plotting to blow up the oil fields.
(Tom and Crow stare at each other.)
Tom: Okay, okay... who guessed "Season 9" in the "When will the movies drive Mike
insane pool?"
Crow: Gypsy, I believe.
Tom: I'll give her the money later.
Mike: What are you guys talking about?
Crow: I'll check if he really has lost it. (to Mike) Mike, may I ask you a couple of questions?
Mike: Um... sure...
Crow: 1. When did you grow that mustache?
Mike: Um... during the commercial break in the beginning. My hair grows fast.
Crow: I see. 2. WHAT IN GOD'S GREEN EARTH ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?! WHAT OIL FIELDS? WHY DO YOU WANT TO BLOW THEM UP? HAVE YOU GONE COMPLETELY AND UTTERLY MENTAL?!
Mike: I see. I have already revealed too much. (leaves)
Tom: Well, he's definitely insane.
Crow: Yep. He lasted a long time though.
Tom: Yeah, I thought "Parts: The Clonus Horror" would get him for sure. We'll be right back. (to Crow) I like your new look.
Crow: The eyepatch? Oh yeah, Calvin Kline just came out with his "Long John Silver"
model.
(Commercials)
(enter theater)
> Jean stood there shocked for a moment, then lifted a wondering finger to her new face. > Sliding it down Her/his nose, She/he looked at it and stared in shock. Her/his finger was
> now covered in thick oily white makeup.
Mike: Jean Grey IS Ed Begley Jr. as The Crow in the Kabuki version of "The Marcel Marceau Story."
> Her/his hands rose to the red diamond on > Her/his forehead, feeling the edges. It peeled away easily. She/he stared at Sinister
> curiously.
>
> He/she shrugged "For my image." was his explanation.
Tom: He got the idea from Spider-Gwen.
Mike: Spider-Who?!
Tom: Spider-Gwen... Gwen Stefani as Spider-Man? Don't you remember, Mike?
Mike: (nervously) Oh... yeah... THAT Spider-Gwen.
> "Is there a bathroom around here?"
>
> He pointed to the back, "Third door to the right."
Crow: "Sinister Unmasked," the fanfic that DARES to anwer the question: "Is there a
bathroom around here?"
> She turned and hurried to the back. > Sinister just rolled his eyes and went to look for a mirror.
Mike: Ewww.. now Sinister is checking himself out....
> Meanwhile just outside:
>
> Logan and Scott had just
Tom: ....pulled into Barstow on the edge of the desert when the drugs began to take hold.
> arrived when the intermission hit.
>
> They were both tired from their long run to get here in time, their spandex outfits were
> dark with sweat.
Crow: At least, they hoped it was just sweat.
> They leaned against the plane to catch their breath.
>
> Logan shook his head, "I'm gettin too old fer this, Slim." Cyke just nodded.
Mike: Bad Sign While Reading a Fanfic #682: When the author begins to use "Con Air"
dialogue.
> Jubilee walked out of the plane and looked the two men over. "You know if it hadn't
> been for the intermission you two would have been late." When they didn't respond she > sighed and sauntered over to where Wolverine sat on the ground gasping for breath, and > plopped down on his lap and kissed him. "
Tom: Pedophillia... that's what this fanfic needs more of....
> Your ruinin that dress." He told her. She rolled her eyes
>
> "I love you enough to ruin a few dresses, and besides I hate this one."
Crow: Well, if you hate it why did you grab it instead of saving people trapped in rubble?
> "Oh" was the only response.
>
> "So you guys ran the whole way?" She continued as they nodded,"you could have just
> taken the jeep, I parked it behind the plane. I knew you'd need it."
Mike: (muted trombone) Wah-wah-WAAAHHHH....
> They groaned and Scott hit the plane then fell to the ground, clutching his hand and > screaming in pain. "I broke my *beeping* hand."
Tom: I'm glad this fanfic sets straight the popular misconception that Cyclops is the
intelligent, capable leader.
> Jubes laughed softly at him "You shouldn't have hit the plane, you dummy."
Crow: Has she been possessed by the spirit of Fred Sanford?
> She stood suddenly straightening out the dress that now had wet patches from Wolverine.
Mike: WET PATCHES? (gets up to leave) I'm going to get another drink.
> "Let's go have a beer before anymore of this torture."
Mike: Here here... (leaves)
Crow: Doesn't he remember that Pearl cuts off the oxygen?
> They walked slowly into the bar, which was crowded with the 'Levolent's and a big
> group of one foot tall orange and purple colored unicorns sitting on bar stools smoking > cigars, and drinking whiskey.
(Mike returns coughing.)
Mike: She turns the oxygen off...
Tom: Mike, are you feeling okay? You don't have a tumor or anything, do you?
> Scott walked up to the nearest one "You know this bar is only for HER (the writer) > characters, you aren't in this story later are you?" He was holding his broken hand and > praying to any God that would listen.
Crow: Try X'ivk'ogoogoo the ancient Hindu god of half-decent fanfics.
Tom: He isn't very busy is he?
Crow: Yeah, he doesn't have much to be god over.
> "No" was the musical reply and he sighed with relief. "No we're in the sequel, just
> thought we'd come see our costars, we'll be leaving now." And with that the thirty or so > unicorns trotted out, all with cigars clenched between their teeth.
Mike: Unicorns? What did I miss? (groans) I knew I drank too much.
> Scott sagged against the bar, " Oh Lord, just shoot me."
Crow: US FIRST!!!!
> Wolverine patted his arm sympathetically and shook his head, "If that's the SEQUEL I
> don't want to know what's coming next." They all groaned and ordered beers, planning
> on having a good time until the INTERMISSION ended.
Tom: So, the good times are during this intermission? Oh boy...
> Jean came out of the bathroom after a short while, and Sinister turned to find his body > without any makeup.
Mike: You know, that may be bad news for Sinister. When Kiss did that, they lost all of their popularity.
> She/he smiled at Him/her and ticked things off on her fingers: "Face makeup, contacts, > stickon red diamond, built up suit of armor, colored hair, all fake."
Crow: Prosthetic arm, toupee, peg-leg, glass eye, artificial heart, silver tongue, dentures,
facelifts, liposuction, plastic surgery... the works.
> He/she only nodded and studied himself. He wasn't a small man, but he wasn't as
> muscular as the suit made him. He had plain blue eyes and brown hair, nothing dramatic
> or fear inspiring about that. His complexion was tanned with no unsightly blemishes
> (such as a red diamond), he was really quite normal looking.
Tom: Of course there WAS that hunchback...
> He glared at her, "Your one to talk, these aren't even real" he said this cupping His/her
> over-ample bosom.
>
> "Well it's easier to handle, at least I didn't get implants like a certain Southern Belle I
> know."
Mike: They're not implants... but they aren't real.... I don't follow.
Crow: I think she created a mental illusion with her psychic powers.
> He nodded, conceding the point. "What color is your hair really, Jean?"
>
> Jean thought hard for a moment, "Um, I think blond, It's been awhile though."
Tom: If she can't remember her own hair color she MUST be a blonde.
> Sinister glanced at a wall clock "Oh my, look at the time, the writer will be back soon.
> Quick go put my makeup back on."
>
> Jean ran for the bathroom.
Mike: (Jean) If only Mr. Sinister hadn't ate at Taco Bell...
> Jean returned and his body looked like normal, maybe even a little better. "Um, one
> more question Sinister-"
>
> She paused as he interrupted her, "Please, call me Jon. My real name is Jonathan
> Essex."
Crow: "Sinister" is actually is his middle name.
> "Okay Jon, what are these strap thingies on your back?"
Tom: (Sinister) It keeps my corset strapped on tight.... don't ask.
> He paused, then said sullenly "A cape." he scowled as she started laughing. "Look," he
> was trying anything to distract her, "we could trade back until the writer gets back."
Mike: (singing) Gets Back! Gets Back! Gets back to where she once belonged!
Crow: Get back, Shera!
> She stopped laughing and nodded, they both concentrated awhile. After a moment of
> disorientation Jean sighed, "I love my body...no offense."
Tom: (Jean) No offense but I find your body hideous and repulsive.
> He nodded absently, trying to discreetly remove the cape, and not doing a very good job
> of it.
Crow: His machines go haywire and cause gender transfers, he hires incompetent
morons as his henchmen, and he doesn't even know how to get his own cape off.... yet
Mr. Sinister remains an evil mastermind.
> She smiled slightly when she saw what he was doing and stepped behind him to
> reach the clasp he was having so much trouble with. When it finally came lose he tossed
> the bundle of shredded leather in a corner and turned to face Jean.
>
> He paused a moment uncertain of himself, "You know Jean, I really like you...for you
> that is, not your, um, looks." She smiled at him and stepped closer.
Mike: (Awkward teenager voice) I really think you're neat-o...
> She couldn't believe this, but then, losing herself in his warm blue eyes,
Crow: Which, of course, were really her own eyes... I'm confused.
> maybe she > could. "I forgot the contacts." she said softly, barely above a whisper.
>
> He mumbled something and bent down to kiss her passionately, and was pleasantly > surprised when she returned it with equal, possibly even more, passion. They broke
> away.
Tom: (disgusted) This is the equivalent of kissing yourself. How gross can you get?
Crow: I don't know... I think I'm sorta cute in a rugged sort of fashion.
(Mike and Tom stare at him)
Crow: What'd I say?
> "I think I could fall in love with you so easily, if you gave me a chance, that is." Well
> that was brilliant Sinny, chase her off by getting to serious. And in the middle of a job
> no less.
Mike: (Sinister) I love you so deeply, but I'm afraid I'm going to have to kill you. Nothing personal.
> But he knew he would never have gotten the courage otherwise. He couldn't think any
> more, standing this close to her was to much for him. He bent to kiss her again. They
> didn't even notice the slightly worse for wear 'Levolents file back in and lay down on the > floor around them, dead again.
Tom: My fear of death is alleviated by the newly learned fact that you get coffee breaks.
> INTERMISSION OVER IN 4..3..2..1..
>
>
> Wolverine and Scott bust down the door ready to fight Sinister off Jean as usual, not
> ready for the shock of them lip locked.
Crow: And, as it often goes, the so-called heroes don't accomplish anything.
> They looked at Jean and Sinister making out in the middle of the exploded bodies of the
> long dead 'Levolents and...just...stared.
>
> "Alright that's it, Jean, Sinny, break it up." Wolverine growled, a disgusted look on his
> face.
Mike: (Irish Cop) Aye... you'd better be goin' on home now... ahh yee crazy kids.
> Jean and Sinister stopped and looked expectantly back at Wolverine.
Tom: (Sinister) What? Aren't you going to introduce me to your friends, Jean?
> "Okay, I know Sinny has been waiting for this for years, but I don't want to watch you
> make out in this stupid story. Now Jean start fighten him."
Tom: Changed my mind, Wolverine is now my favorite character.
> Sinister looked at him, "But I'm Jean."
>
> Jean looked up, "I'm Sinister, imbecile."
>
> Arcane jumped up out of the corner she'd been in the whole time, and not to be outdone
> screamed "Yeah and I'm...I'm...I'm APOCALYPSE, yeah that's it I'm Apocalypse, haha."
Mike: So... Arcane's been waiting there since the beginning of the fanfic, just so she
could say that ONE line.
Crow: But it's her only line!!!
> Wolverine shook his head, "Darlin' ya need ta cut back on tha sugar. I warned that
> screwy writer, the body switch is low, a little to low to put up with, and she did it
> anyway. It's time to put an end ta this."
Crow: Here, here!!!
> The rest nodded solemnly, concentrated, and > then a bright white light flashed.
Tom: Come into the light...
> The rest of the team came home after their week long vacation expecting the four they'd
> left behind to be dying for a vacation,
Mike: Or at the very least, just plain dying...
> but instead they found them and ....SINISTER all > crowded around Cerebro.
Crow: That "GoldenEye" game can get pretty addicting.
> Screams could be heard emanating from the computers speakers and they were all
> laughing.
Tom: They're playing their Cannibal Corpse CDs at full volume again.
> "What are ya'll doin?" Rogue asked curious, she hadn't seen them all buddy-buddy in a > while.
Mike: Rogue is used to them always arguing and "accidentally" punching each other as
evil villains destroy everything.
> Wolverine looked up with an unusually happy grin, and said "Oh just getting a little
> revenge." He laughed at a particularly loud scream
>
> "No NO NOT THAT NOT THE BODY SWITCH NOO I WASN'T THAT BAD!!!"
>
> "Is that tha writer?" at Wolverine's nod she grinned evilly. "Hey I have a few ideas...."
Crow: That's a happy ending! The writer gets tortured!!!
Tom: Crow, don't be so cruel.
Crow: Hey, Agent double-oh-seven here wrote it. I'm just approving her story!
>
> No one was hurt in the writing of this story,
Mike: With the possible exception of the readers.
> the 'Levolents didn't really die, and the
> writer doesn't count. Peace, save the whales, and remember Switching peoples bodies
> around without their permission is rude,
Crow: Try telling that to Dudley Moore, Cybill Sheppard, or Fred Savage.
> and may have painful results. Thank You.- Jean E. Grey/Essex
Mike: (singing) EssexessexessexESSEX!!! I'm Shattered!
(Exit theater. Commercials.)
(SoL. Tom is alone holding up a chart.)
Tom: Ahem... In honor of this fanfic I have come up with this chart to illustrate "Body
Switches I Would Like to See." For my first body switch I have chosen P-funk master
George Clinton and a cow. (Looks around and sees nobody is around) Hey, where is
everybody?
(Tom hears the muffled voice of Mike coming from below.)
Mike: Tom? Is that you? It's me, Mike! That person up there isn't me!!! It's my evil
brother: Eddie! You've got let me out of here!
Tom: Huh? Is that you, Mike? I can't hear you... could you speak up?
(Crow enters)
Crow: What's going on, Tom?
Tom: I think Mike's down there. He's saying something about Eddie Munster...
Crow: Eddie Munster? Man, he really has gone nuts! Listen, I've got to talk to you
about something. Something very important.
Tom: (nervous) I don't know what Gypsy's talking about... honestly... we've never had an
affair!
Crow: (Confused) What?
Tom: Oh, nothing, please continue.
Crow: Anyways... "Sinister Unmasked" has made me realize something about myself. I..
I... I am a transvestite. There, I said it. I've always enjoyed dressing up in women's
clothing... but I never put two and two together until this fanfic.
Tom: (Skeptical) And this is different from the time that you thought you were a
Belarian in what way?
Crow: Oh... I've had some identity problems in the past, but this is different.
Tom: Right. Remember that time you thought you were a bear and mauled me? Or that
time you thought you were a bear and tried to maul me? Or that weekend you were
convinced YOU were the dragon from "Dragonheart," and spent all of your time saying
"I am the LASHT one!" Or the time you were sure that you were the one who shot J.R.?
Mike: (muffled) Are you guys going to help me or not?
Crow: (to Mike) Sure, we'll help a tree to rot... (To Tom) Are you quite finished?
Tom: Heck no... there was that time you thought you were a nineteenth century British
chimney sweep... and the time you thought you were Celine Dion for some reason.
Crow: Hey! I was under a lot of stress!!! I had just finished watching "The Giant Spider
Invasion." Twice!
Tom: And there was the time you thought you were a... (sees movie sign) Fanfic sign!
Crow: I never thought I was a fanfic sign. What are you.. oh, I see..
(Tom and Crow enter theater.)
Tom: ...and the time you thought you were a bad Vegas comedian...
Crow: Okay, okay, I got the picture.
> Sinister: Unmasked
> Shera Crawler 007
Tom: It's ironic that her "name" is Shera Crawler 007 because this fanfic has some
parallels with the forgotten James Bond movie "Casino Royale."
Crow: You mean it's a failed attempt at humor using long-established characters?
Tom: Yep, and there's no Woody Allen here to make up for it... wait, maybe that's a plus.
> 2susie@email.msn.com
(Eddie finally enters laughing maniacally.)
Tom: What was that you were saying about Eddie Munster, Mike?
>
> Disclaimer: I own none of these people they're all Marvel's except me. They can't have
> me, so there. I'm not making any money off this, so all you people who were preparing
> to send me your life savings, have a little fun and go to McDonald's
Crow: (gets up to leave) Okay... ("Mike" pushes him back down.)
> (Bishop: > wow...amazing...zzzzz). I don't own McDonald's either (darn)...whatever, you get the
> idea.
Eddie: What about "Burger King?"
> This story occurs in the off hours after Sinister Unmasked, so if you didn't read it hurry
> up and do so...or my new boyfriend, the devil-dude (PANT!!)
Eddie: Down boy!
> from Rave's rules page will get you!
>
>
> Intermission: At Villains One
Crow: Wait a minute, another intermission? Does ninety percent of this story take place in-between the actual story?
> Scott stood in the shadows near the bar leaning against the wall staring at the mushy
> couple in the corner table with something like hatred, but closer to jealousy.
Tom: (singing) Hey.... jealousy!
>
> It just wasn't fair. After all he'd done for her, all the sacrifices to his career just so he
> could play the role of her husband, and she runs to the first costumed clown she sees.
Eddie: (Cyclops) What's Bozo got that I don't?
> Jean and Jon A.K.A Sinister were sitting across from each other sipping from a
> milkshake with two straws
Crow: Huh? Did it turn into an "Archie" fanfic sometime during the host segment.
> like one of those sickening moldy oldy movies. She laughed
> at something he said and leaned over and kissed him, laughing even more when she had
> to wipe his white face makeup off her lips.
Tom: (singing) And they call it Puppy Love...
>
> He growled and started to swallow down his whiskey in one gulp. It sprayed out of his
> mouth as he was savagely smacked on the back. He turned with one hand to his visor to
> kill...oh it was only Magneto.
Eddie: (Cyclops) Oh, it's only Magneto. It's not like HE'S a bad guy or anything.
> Eric smiled at him,"Drinking to much are you not my friend?"
Crow: (Cyclops) I don't know.... am I not your friend?
> Scott shrugged maybe
> he'd go away. Scott studied him over the top of his glass. Yep the same old Eric he'd
> went to school with, still changed his hair color daily, now it was orange with blue
> lightning bolts.
Tom: (Magneto) Like the 'do? Got the idea off of a Power-Ade bottle.
> He shook his head "Wild hair E, who did it up for you?"
Eddie: E? What is the lead singer of the Eels doing here?
> Eric grinned happily, "Well I just started dating this great girl, and she does hair.
Crow: (Magneto) Of course, not professionally. She usually does it to strangers when
they aren't looking.
> So of course I asked her to do mine...isn't it just great?"
>
> "Oh? What's her name?"
> Eric smiled, "Henrietta McRoy" Scott started choking on his drink.
Eddie: I WISH I were choking on a drink now.
Crow: (Magneto) Henrietta McRoy has these really hot girlfriends, too: Brenda Wayne,
Clara Kent, Petra Parker, Rita Richards, Gwen Grimm...
> "Are you okay?" Eric asked worriedly when Scott started breathing again.
>
> "Um yeah, I wish you and this, um, girl lot's of luck." and with that he ran for the
> bathroom barely holding back his laughter behind his tightly clamped hand. Eric just
> shook his head.
Tom: (Eric) Why am I suddenly hearing the theme song to "The Crying Game" in my head?
> "Eric honey, over here. Hi sweetiekins." Eric hurried over to his girlfriend, a tall big
> boned girl with electric pink fur, nine inch heels, low cut miniskirt and loads of jewelry.
Eddie: Someone should give "Henrietta's" phone number to John Waters.
> He gave her a big kiss, and they sat down at an empty table to talk.
Crow: This gives a whole new meaning to the concept of ex-men.
> Jon looked at Jean looking back at him, he couldn't believe his luck. He'd just met Jean,
> and already they were living together in his apartment nearby. He'd been dreaming
> about actually asking her out for so long, then all it took was one five minute
> intermission for all his prayers to come true.
Tom: They WERE making a new "Love Boat" series!
> He sighed happily gazing into her bright green eyes.
>
> They both looked up suddenly when Jubes came up to the table dragging Wolvie behind
> her. She was out of her trademark yellow trenchcoat and was wearing one of Wolvie's
> slashed up work shirts and a pair of his sweatpants. He was wearing a flannel shirt and
> jeans, his nose was wrinkled up in distaste at the thick cover of cigar smoke covering
> the room.
Eddie: Didn't Wolverine smoke cigars? Ah well... I've given up looking for logic in this
thing.
> "Hi guys, how're ya doin?" he said watching with amusement as Jubes ran to the bar to
> get their usual drinks: diet soda for Wolvie and a White Russian for herself.
Crow: (Bartender) Sorry, kid, Colossus isn't here today.
> He stayed
> standing waiting to see if Jubes was going to get them thrown out again and didn't mind
> or notice that the lovebirds hadn't answered him. He drifted towards Jubes as she got in
> a profanity fight with the barkeep over her age.
Tom: I would assume that the barkeep would be over Jubilee's age.
> Scott moved up beside him, "Hey Wolvie. "
Eddie: And Wolverine promptly "accidentally" slashes a big gash in Cyclops's face.
>
> "Scott. It looks like we'll be going to Villain's again, you coming?" They ducked as a
> heavy bottle of liquor flew over their heads, hitting Bishop on the head. He was up in a
> flash with his guns, and everything else, trained on the barkeep who had thrown it.
Crow: Oh great, now Bishop is being portrayed as a gun carrying, violent lunatic.... wait,
that's how he's always portrayed.
> "Barkeep your bottles had better stay there, or you'll be cleaning them up with your
> tongue, and quit staring at me, your making me nervous."
>
> Wolvie rolled his eyes "Ya know he's the only one that's exactly like his fanfic
> character."
Tom: I don't know, Rogue is pretty much like her fanfic character.
Eddie: But she only got one line.
Tom: Exactly.
> Scott grinned, "Yeah, I'll come over to Villain's with ya. Hey Eric's new girlfriend
> is...get this...Henrietta McRoy."
Crow: This is just a dramatic reinterpretation of The Kink's "Lola."
> Wolvie's eyes widened and he began laughing. "Did you say his, haha, GIRL friend?"
> He was laughing to hard to notice the second bottle coming his way, and it laid him out
> on the floor, still laughing. Scott looked up to see Jubes on the barkeep's back ripping
> his hair out, spitting curses, and still managing to get a few gulps of her White Russian.
Crow: Boy that must be ONE happy Russian. (He looks at Mike...) Mike, I just did a really dirty joke, aren't you going to reprimand me?
Eddie: Why should I? It was pretty funny...
Crow: Something is very wrong here.
> He shook his head looking down at the helpless Wolvie rolling on the floor tears
> streaming down his face.
Tom: (Wolverine) I just remembered that "South Park" last night... woo hoo!
> Moments later all three of them were thrown out of the establishment on their rears,
> liberally splashed with liquor and broken glass. Jubes rolled the gasping Wolvie over to
> dig into his rear pocket for a lighter, "Hey Scott you got a ciggy I can have?"
Tom: Getting ciggy with it...
Crow/ Eddie: Na na na na na na na... Na na na na na na na....
> He handed her a pack and lit up one of his cigars. She helped Wolvie up and they
> leaned against the wall for a minute breathing in the night air. "Hey Jubes, Mags new
> girlfriend is Henrietta McRoy."
Crow: WE KNOW!!! You've beat the horse to death! Move on...
> Her eyes widened "Did you say GIRL friend." Wolvie nodded. "Oh lord I wish I could
> see his face when he finds out."
Tom: This entire fanfic can be summed up in one word: Schadenfreude
(Eddie and Crow look at him.)
Tom: (Reads from dictionary) Schadenfreude: Noun. A German term for the malicious enjoyment of anothers' misfortune.
> "Don't we all." Scott chimed in.
>
> Meanwhile inside the cafe Bishop was sitting with his back against the wall trying to
> figure out someway to get out of the cafe without his enemies killing him.
Eddie: He discovered the answer: Kill everyone in the room.
> I know they're all looking at me....that barkeep over there was trying to "accidentally"
> kill me
Tom: There's a lot of that "accidental" kind of stuff going on in this fanfic.
> so he could take my place as the best looking X-men.
Crow: Best looking? Nah, Scott has the better tan while Logan has the cuttest little...
(notices that Tom and Eddie are looking at him funny) Er... I mean... What about those
Dodgers?
> The moment I turn my
> back on them they're all going to attack me. I'll just have to slide against this wall to the
> door.
>
> He cocked his gun's quietly and undid the clasps holding down his two hunting knives,
> switchblade, blowtorch, four handguns, mace spray, ink pen,
Eddie: Ink pen? Man, he takes "The Pen is Mightier Than the Sword" very seriously.
> numchucks, ninja stars,
> sword, hammer, pictures of the professor naked
Tom: It's a little known fact that Charles Xavier did a little male modeling on the side in his early years.
> (it had been difficult to take them > without looking at them, but worth it for a nearly
> unbeatable weapon), portable laser,
Eddie: Eat exuding oinks upon and bleed decrepit broken bones at caustic spells of Hell?
Crow/ Tom: WHAT??
Eddie: Nothing... it's an obscure song by a very obscure band that no one will ever under-
stand....
Crow: (to Tom) Have you given the money to Gypsy yet?
> sling shot, 3 daggers, a lightsabre, 4 yo-yo's (for when he was attacked by evil small
> children),
Crow: The Olsen Twins?
> tomahawk, 10-foot long whip,
Eddie: But that was more for his personal life.
> boulders, 3 of Henrietta's high-heeled shoes, 3 broken glass liquor bottles,
Tom: Copies of this fanfic....
> 2 lead pipes, dog poop, and piano wire (good for piano's
Crow: Bishop thinks PIANOS are his enemies?
> and strangling people). And checked on his 14 grenades, 5 belts of ammunition, dynamite,
Eddie: (as Jimmy Walker) Dyn-O-Myte!!!
> poison packets, Bo staff,
Tom: Bos? Shiruken? Numchucks? If he gets a Kitana Sword he'll be a one-man
Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle.
> mutant powers, Book of Shakespeare's longest plays
Crow: Including the long lost sequel to "Hamlet!"
> , sawed off shotgun, bow and arrows, fire-proof shield, nailgun, rocks, pike, harpoon (you
> never knew when you could get attacked by a killer whale),
Tom: I can see it now, he'll be part of the Captain Ahab trinity: Gregory Peck, Captain Picard. Bishop.
> ball'n'chain,
Eddie: (a la Janis Joplin) Your love... was Like an ol' BAAAAWLLLL and Cha-ya-yain!!
> BB gun, Marrow's bottled breathe (also difficult to get without suffering the affects himself),
Tom: Is this a James Joyce novel?
> plastic explosive, portable A-bomb, and a small alligator that attacked on command.
Crow: Unfortunately that command is "Check Please," so he can't leave a restaurant
without killing a few innocent waiters.
> He also checked on his water (two gallons worth of safe water), enough dried jerky to
> last a lifetime, spare clothes in his sleeping bag, motion detector, and his first-aid kit.
Eddie: Which he banged people over the head with!
> Then he rose to his feet (this is what's kept him in such good shape, he doesn't work out,
> he just lugs this junk around with him.) with a loud rattle which drew everyone's
> attention to him.
>
> Oh god, they know I'm sneaking out. They're gonna try to kill me off before I get out the
> door. If I just slide along this wall maybe they won't see me.
Tom: (nature director) Notice how the North American Paranoid-Mutant-Traveler-From
-The Future attempts to evade his enemies by camouflaging himself with the wall.
> He began sliding along the plank wall towards the door slide, rattle, rattle, slide, rattle
> rattle boom (knocked a table over). Slide, rattle, rattle, slide oww!.
Crow: (singing) Slide Rattle and Slide... yeah, Slide, Rattle, and Slide!
> His enemies had put poisoned splinters in the wall just to kill him, they had known the
> whole time that this was how he'd get out.
>
> He should have just stayed seated, just like he had all month and this wouldn't have
> happened. Bishop was getting mad,
Eddie: Bishop mad! Bishop Smash!!!
> Oh no it must be the poison taking effect, his heart
> was speeding up (actually it was because he was panicking, but he didn't realize that),
> they had killed him,
Tom: Who? The Freemasons? The Nazi Scientists? The communists? The CIA?
Aliens?
> all because of Henrietta, they had killed him. Well they were going
> with him, just as soon as he made it to the door. slide, rattle, rattle, slide.
>
> He was out, free away from his enemies. He slid along the wall towards the semi-enemy
> people he had to get to to find the answer to his life threatening question...Was Eric
> going out with Henrietta McRoy, and did he know Henrietta wasn't Henrietta McRoy,
> she was really Henry McCoy?
Crow: And why did he choose bright pink as his/ her hair color? Didn't s/he know that a
subdued mauve would have been a wiser choice? And who did her nails?
> Wolvie, Jubes, and Scott looked up as Bishop poked his head out the door. He stuck his
> motion detector and camera out to record who was out there. It was cautiously pulled
> back in and in seconds Bishop moved out fast, his guns pulled shooting at a cat crossing
> the street that undoubtedly had poison claws intent on killing him.
Eddie: The tragic last days of Heathcliffe.
>
> He was sure he had found a cure to the poison splinters after taking all of the various
> drugs he had,
Tom: His family physician is Dr. Hunter S. Thompson.
> it had been an amazing feat, taking a gallon of his safe water to down, but
> he had done it, effectively disappointing his stupid enemies.
Crow: Now that he's taken all those drugs he's going to be EVEN MORE paranoid!
> They thought they could kill HIM with just poison splinters..haha. They had done better
> before when they had left signs everywhere for him to find in a futile attempt to drive
> him crazy...like the bird that had screeched three times, or the cat that had crossed his
> path (he wasn't stupid he knew they had painted that black cat white just to trick him.
> Well he'd shown them when he'd blown that cat to kingdom come!
Eddie: What is Bishop's major problem with cats?
> ), or when they'd
> blocked the sun that once (Everyone had said it was just an eclipse, but he knew it was a
> Shi'ar ship waiting to dissect him).
Tom: I believe Mr. Burns did that.
> His back once again against the safe wall he slid over to the semi-enemies.
(Exit theater)
(SoL. Eddie has a large button in his hand and is talking to Mike, whom he's trapped in the panel below the host area.)
Eddie: You were always the successful one! You always had to get the best temp jobs,
didn't you? When I worked at "Andy's Animal Auditorium" cleaning up animal waste
you were living the good life as a copy boy for a newspaper! Well, ha, I'll show you!
I'll show everyone!
Mike: (Muffled) What evil plans has your sick, twisted brain concocted?
Eddie: Ha! I'm going to blow up the oil fields!
Mike: (Laughing) What? What in the world are you talking about? What oil fields?
Eddie: Stop acting dumb, Michael!
Mike: Hey, I am not acting! Hey, wait a minute....
Eddie: Ha, I could always get you with that one, little brother. (spots Pearl's calling
button) What the heck is this? (Eddie presses it.)
(Back to the office building. Pearl is sitting alone, still listening to her tape. Bobo and
Observer enter carrying a box. Ortega sits at the table, patiently waiting.)
Pearl: What do you want? I just gave you raises seven years ago!
Observer: We want you to resign. Immediately!
Pearl: Fat chance. What's in the box? Did those Rutger Hauer movies arrive yet?
(Bobo opens the box to reveal a cat. Tape covers its cat mouth.)
Pearl: Lucifer Sam! (to cat) What have they done to you?
Bobo: Nothing yet, but that could change if you don't give us fully presidency of this
company, immediately!
Pearl: (thinks for a minute) Ah, what the heck, kill the cat?
Observer: (Miffed.) Alright, on to Plan B. (Observer disintegrates Pearl with his mind.)
Whoever makes it to the chair first is boss!!!
(Observer and Bobo make a dash to reach Pearl's chair. Observer wins.)
Observer: I made it first! My first act as company president: Fire Bobo.
Bobo: What? I thought we were partners.
Observer: You are a simple minded simian simpleton. Ortega, take him away.
(Ortega pulls Bobo out of the room. Observer leans back in his chair, pleased.)
(back in theater)
> Jubes rolled her eyes, "What brings you out here Paranoid?"
Eddie: (singing) Did in with my women 'cause she couldn't help me with my mind!
> Bishop's eyes narrowed She was using code words, must be trying to warn him. "I must
> ask you an life threatening question...Is Mags really dating Henrietta?" Wolvie nodded,
> "Does he know she is Henry?"
Tom: Wait a minute! Cheesy sketches and jokes? Gender bending? Post-ops?
Characters dying? Pink unicorns? This isn't a fanfic, it's a failed "Talk Soup" sketch.
> Wolvie shook his head no, he'd learned early on it was
> easier to just not say anything to the loon. Bishop nodded, "Someone must warn him."
>
> Scott took the bait, "Why?"
Crow: (Bishop) Don't you see... Magneto is a government spy, and a freemason to boot,
and if he gets any information out of Henrietta about the secrets of gender reversal... who
knows what could follow? World leaders everywhere would instantly change genders,
no one would know who the rulers of their leaders actually were leaving Ralph Nader
and his band of communists to infiltrate all of the major governments and create their
"New World Order" and cars would cost a lot more because of all of the new air bags
and safety requirements their new laws would cause... and do you really want to pay
MORE for a new automobile. ... Whew!
Tom: Need some water, Crow?
Eddie: That was pretty good. You should be writing this fanfic.
Crow: Thanks. (Pauses and thinks.) Hey!!!! You take that back!
> Bishop straightened (as much as he could carrying all that stuff.) and said in his best "I
> am a authority figure listen to me." voice " Because it is another plot to kill me, if Mags
> is not told he will come running out of the room he has just rented upstairs, and distract
> me while my enemies kill me."
>
> Jubilee's mouth dropped, "You mean they are um, you know, right now?" He nodded.
Tom: Oh no, they are "um, you know" -ing right now!
> Wolverine grinned evilly, "Let's go peek in the window."
Eddie: Wolverine was a six-year old kid earlier, and, apparently, he's grown into a dirty old man.
> They all ran to the window
> looking into the barroom facing the stairs leading to the rooms that were rented out.
Crow: So, apparently the X-Men team consists entirely of degenerates.
> Jean and Jon walked out then and looked at the three of them crowded around the
> window and shook their heads, they were going home.
Eddie: Hey, are they going to "um, you know," also?
> Bishop was made his painfully slow clanking way to the window a good five minutes
> after the others. They all stared in, waiting, Scott was counting down from ten under his
> breath. Then they heard it, it started as a low rumble, but it rose quickly to a painful
> scream of horror. Then Mags came running down the stairs, absolutely buck naked,
> carrying his clothes and ran out the door.
Tom: (singing) Yes, they call him the streak!!!
> Moments later they heard his car spinning rubber, screeching out of the parking lot.
> Henrietta/Henry came running down the stairs her dress rolled up high on his/her thighs,
> crying,
Crow: (singing) I know all there is about the crying game....
> mascara running down her pink fur. Everyone was staring at her as she ran out
> the door in silence, they heard her motorcycle start and screech out after Mags.
Eddie: So far, no enemies attempting to kill Bishop.
> Scott, Jubes, and Wolvie were rolling on the sidewalk laughing so hard tears were
> pouring down their face.
Tom: (Scott) Isn't it funny? Magneto is scarred for life and Henrietta is heartbroken!
> Everyone in the bar turned to stare at the window, looking directly at Bishop. Bishop
> looked down at his semi-enemies and noticed.....he was standing on...a...a...crack!!! Oh
> No!!! The enemies have made me break my mommy's back...
ALL: When a problem comes along... you must whip it!
> I'll get them though, they'll
> die for this. Minutes later the bar was a smoking crater, no one had made it out alive,
> and Bishop was out of ammo. Then in the unnatural silence he heard an ominous
> buzzing.
Crow: Oh, great, it's another damn "Killer Bees" movie.
> He felt something bite him on the back of the neck, he slapped it and looked at
> his hand....it was a mosquito...a robot mosquito...
Tom: Hey, in this fanfic that is entirely believable.
> it had just injected him with the deadly
> legacy virus, and he'd already used up all of his medicines.
Eddie: He used them up while partying with Robert Downey Jr.
> He began to cry they had gotten him in the end...he slumped over dead...he'd suffered a
> heartattack caused by stress.
Eddie: I'm going to guess that this takes place out of the normal X-Men continuity.
> The three on the ground had stopped laughing while Bishop blasted the bar into next
> year, but as they realized he'd caused his own death they started laughing again and
> slowly made their way over to Villain's supporting each other.
Tom: And the X-Men laugh at the death of one of their close comrades.
> Villain's was a dark, rough place. All the furniture was cheap, mismatched, and got
> broken in the nightly fights often. Sawdust covered the floor and tinny western music
> clashed with the 90's tunes blasting on the soundsystem. The place was run by the
> villain's for other villain's, but they also allowed just about anyone.
Eddie: Except Shiners for some odd reason.
> They broke all the laws, in fact their advertisements state "Come to Villain's where nothing is
> illegal".
Crow: Except, surprisingly, jaywalking.
> Jubes and Wolvie wandered over to the bar to get their drinks in a glass this time
> pausing to pat an overjoyed, crying Apocalypse on the shoulder.
Eddie: Hey, wasn't Arcane really Apocalypse? This story has way too many plotholes...
> Poccy had never liked that place after they had thrown him out, so he'd always prayed it
> would get blown up.
> Who knew his prayers would be answered?
Tom: He's going to swim in Jell-O with Jenna Elfman? Oh wait, those are my prayers.
> Scott strode purposefully to the back to find the owner, the vilest villain ever
> drawn...Ororo Munroe,
Crow: I have a certain fondness for characters whose first names are palindromes.
> just Storm to her partners in crime. He found her in the middle
> of a poker game with Remy LeBeau and someone he didn't recognize. Remy nodded to
> him, Scott noticed he had traded the X-costume for his usual M.I.B style suit and tie,
Eddie: (Remy) Ju' nes de difarence b'tween ju n' me, mon a'imer, ise looks good in this, chierre.
> meaning he had been here awhile.
>
> The unknown woman had her back to him, straddling a chair. Storm was wearing jeans
> and a tank top. He nodded to her in greeting "Scott, Glad your back. You know Gambit,
> and this here is Shera Crawler 007...you want to join us?"
Crow: (sarcastically) Self-insertion, yeah THAT'S how you improve a story.
> Scott shook his head no as Shera turned to greet him. He stared at the woman in front of
> him in shock...what an outfit...geez! It was made of a few, and I mean few, inch wide
> leather straps, you could barely call it descent, she made it look better than it probably
> was. She had long midnight-black hair, and Jade green cat eyes, and a perfect X-woman
> body.
Eddie: Yeah, right. When I describe myself on the internet I am Leonardo DiCaprio
with larger muscles.
> She slowly looked him up and down, lingering on all the key parts.
Crow: Hothca! (to Tom) Servo, did you catch Shera's e-mail address?
Tom: Hey, you're a married 'Bot now!
> "Hi Scott." Her voice was low, sultry, and suggestive. He felt himself turning bright red.
Tom: Is he embarrassed or is he going to zap Shera to kingdom come?
> "Y-Y-your name was w-w-what?"
>
> She gave him a sexy smile, "It's Shera Crawler 007, but you can call me Crawler."
Crow: (Shera Crawler) Could you give me a martini, sha-
Eddie: (grabs him by the head) Don't you dare!
> He looked at her a minute, a thought was pushing through the fog in his brain,
Tom: Well, there's a first time for everything.
> "You wrote that story didn't you?!" She nodded and then found herself thrown up against a
> wall his hands around her throat. "Do you know the pain you caused me? You took
> away my only love in that story, for that I ought to kill you." her eyes showed the pain
> she was in, but not a trace of fear.
Crow: (Shera) Ha, you can't harm me, I'm WRITING your actions! Ha ha!
> He loosened his grip to hear her excuse, "I didn't make them fall in love, that happened
> during the intermission. I have no control over that.
Eddie: But didn't she write the intermission, too? This fourth wall stuff is really starting to piss me off.
> But if you asked nice I could break them up in the sequel."
Tom: Sequel? This fanfic needs a sequel like "Three Ninjas" did.
Eddie: That's has two sequels already, and a new one coming up.
> She was running one nail down his chest slowly, sensuously.
> Forcing him to release his hold on her as she started getting to low for comfort.
Crow: 2susie@msn.com. Right?
> She smiled at him evilly, and he realized she fit in quite well with Storm's bunch.
>
> "Ah, old boy, why don't you just let the lass go and all will be forgotten?" Scott turned
> to see Remy with a switchblade out ready to slit his throat.
ALL: (Begin to boo and hiss)
Crow: Come on, just let him get a few "accidental" punches in!
> He grinned weakly, "I wasn't going to hurt her."
Tom: (Cyclops) I was going to kill her....
> Remy nodded "I realize that, but lad you don't realize what the lass has up her sleeves,
> so to speak. She isn't one to believe in giving a bloke a sporting chance."
>
> Scott looked down at the perfectly manicured hand he was holding, noticing the nails
> were edged in razor sharp metal.
Tom: Hey, that's what happens when you have Trent Reznor as your manicurist.
> His face went white with shock as he realized just how close he had come to losing his, um,
> manhood.
Eddie: If Samuel Beckett, the members of Monty Python's Flying Circus, and Jerry Springer were forced to write an X-Men fanfic in twenty minutes... it would be something like this.
Crow: I would go with David Lynch, the writers for "Married With Children," and a thousand monkeys on a typewriter.
> He looked up at Crawler, she was giving him another of her mind-numbing,
Tom: ... joke fanfics?
> innocent
> smiles. He released her and stepped back, and she walked to where Remy had sat down
> once again in his chair, returning to the game, and sat in his lap giving him a lingering kiss.
Crow: No one will be seated during the exciting "Writer Fantasy Fulfillment Scene."
> Then she looked back at Scott expectantly. He shifted nervously, aware that Storm was
> laughing her butt off at him,
Eddie: When exactly did all of the X-Men start hating each other with a passion?
> and Remy was happy as a lark, "Um, what would you do to get us together?" he demanded.
>
> "Well I could reveal some of Sinny's true past,
Tom: (Shera) For instance, there was that time period where he was Mrs. Sinister.
Crow: No, there is way too much of that stuff going on in this fanfic already!!!
> and I also know a certain character he
> still loves more than Jean, and she likes him. They just had a fight, and never got a
> chance to get back together."
Eddie: If it's Henrietta McCoy... you are going to get hurt so bad, fanfic.
> "So what do you want in return?" he was suspicious, she'd never help him without a
> good reason...he just hoped she didn't want him to...
Crow: I feel so useless in this fanfic... all my off-color comments are already here.
> She laughed, "Not you, not ever. But I'm sure I'll come up with a favor tonight. And a
> favor later.
Eddie: ("The Godfather") I will do this favor for you, and when the time comes...
> If I don't it's free."
Tom: (Shera) Or for your best offer....
> "Why two favors?" he was looking for the loophole.
> She smiled a little at his suspicion, "One tonight for breaking them up, and one
> tomorrow to try to get her to go for you."
Crow: (Shera) That last one is going to be the hardest.
> He nodded, " Nothing that will get me fired, and nothing to bad, please." She nodded
> solemnly and shook his hand to seal the bargain, "Stormy, you were the witness, you
> and Rem, if he don't live up to it I claim Villains pledge rights to kill him."
Tom: Oh, I see Shera Crawler 007 has a "Licensee to Kill." Hee heee....
> He glared at her, Storm nodded with a slightly bloodthirsty grin, " Ya can count on it
> Shera, if ya to busy he be mine. Oh and Scottsy, ya betta stick round or ya'll be in deeper
> than evah befo, understand ami?"
Crow: Nope... not a word of it... Gambit.
Tom: Writers really should not try to write Gambit's dialogue with the accent... we know he's Creole... we can imagine his accent... write understandable dialogue!
> He nodded wondering why he felt like he had just made a losing deal with the devil,
Eddie: Hey, Bill Gates didn't appear once in this fanfic! (pauses) Yet.
> and hurried over to the bar suddenly feeling the urge to have a few drinks...strong drinks.
Crow: Don't we all. If I wasn't a robot and couldn't get drunk I would be sucking the tequila off of the worm, right now!!!
> Bishop awoke with a jerk, no I mean it he really did wake up with a jerk.
Eddie: Steve Martin?
> Sinister, the jerk in question, was leaning so close to him, he could smell his fish breath.
> He tried to move to slap Jon away, but found he was strapped to a metal table
> underneath a blinding dentists' light.
Tom: (Sinister) You WILL bite down on the fluoride, and you WILL like it.
> From what he could see of the room, he was in a demented dentist's office with Jon, and
> Jean was no where to be seen. "
Crow: Wait a minute, wasn't Bishop dead? (pauses) Ah, forget it...
> Um, Jon. Don't you think you should, um let me go?"
Eddie: (Sinister) Well, I don't see why not....
> Sinister started laughing so hard he couldn't breath, then he started choking and ran to
> grab an asthma inhaler...after a few puffs he responded, "I am NOT Sinister, I am
> Winister...his evil mutant twin.
Eddie: Evil brother? There's a dumb idea if I ever heard one.
> I'm better, I'm really evil, and I DON'T have to wear makeup.
Tom: (Winister) I have no need for it: My skin is already pasty white!
> BWahahaha, and you will be the first to learn what my sissy brother could do for evil if
> he put his mind to it... through me...THE REAL WATANIEL ESSEX
> BWAHAHAHAH!!!!!!" Bishop rolled his eyes and tried to go back to sleep, maybe the
> idiot would leave soon.
Tom: Will Shera Crawler lay off the caffiene? Will Cyclops and Jean reunite? Will Henrietta cry over ice cream while watching "Ally McBeal?" Turn in next week to find out. Same Sinister Time. Same Sinister Channel.
(exit theater)
(SoL) Tom: Man, I feel sorry for those X-Men characters. They're trapped in a fanfic
written by some lunatic internet writer who completely ignores all previous continuity
and characterization all in the name for something the writer mistakenly thinks is funny.
(Tom looks over at Crow. Crow is dressed in a blonde wig and a long, pink dress.
He looks over at Eddie who is muttering insane ramblings while getting his explosive
device ready. He looks at Gypsy who is staring lovingly in Tom's eyes.... er head.)
Tom: (in sudden realization) NNOOOOO!!!!!!!!! Please tell me it isn't true!!! What
did we ever do to deserve this fate? (begins sobbing)
(Crow walks up to Tom)
Crow: Ha! You thought I was kidding, didn't you? Well, if I were a lying about being a
transvestite, than what am I doing wearing this dress?
Tom: Making a vain attempt to prove me wrong?
Crow: (sobbing) That's so true... ever since my amnesia I've been in a desperate identity
crisis...
Tom: (to Eddie) Mike, when exactly did Crow have amnesia?
Eddie: Ha!!! I have fooled you all! I am not mild-mannered Mike Nelson! In fact, I am
EDDIE NELSON his evil, older brother. (Tom and Crow don't seem to care.) Don't you
care?
Crow: Feh... one Nelson is the same as any other....
Eddie: Well, I'll prove you all wrong, I'm going to blow up the oil fields!
(Gypsy hits him with her head causing him to collapse.)
Tom: Hey, way to go Gyps!
Gypsy: Crow, I have something to tell you... Thomas and I have been having an affair!
Crow: Affair?
Tom: Thomas? Since when am I Thomas?
(Crow, in a blind rage, violently attacks Servo.)
Crow: GYPSY IS THE LIGHT OF MY LIFE!!! HOW DARE YOU?
Tom: There's no place like home... there's no place like home.... there's no place like
home....
(Tom suddenly wakes up. He looks around, Crow is not wearing a dress, Mike has no
mustache and Gypsy is totally indifferent to his presence.)
Tom: What happened?
Mike: You fell asleep.
Tom: I had this weird nightmare! (to Mike) And you were in it! (to Crow) And you!
(to Gypsy) And you! I am laying off the soap operas forever... (exits)
(Mike, Crow, and Gypsy begin laughing...)
Gypsy: Do you think he bought it?
Mike: (holding up paste on mustache) Hook, line, and sinker. This was a good idea,
Crow.
Crow: Thanks, I got the idea from an episode of "Sabrina the Teenage Witch." I have a
question, though. Why didn't I disguise myself as my evil twin, Timmy?
Mike: Well, you drew the short straw and had to be the transvestite. Beside, you already
had the dress....
Gypsy: I've got a question: How did you make it seem like you were trapped underneath
the floorboards?
Mike: Ahh... I used ventriloquism.
Crow: Mike, where did you learn ventriloquism, and why haven't we learned this about
you before?
Mike: The answer to those questions are simple... you see back in the summer of '83...
(sees Pearl's calling button) Oh, it'll have to wait, Pearl's calling. (to Pearl) Thank you
for participating in our little practical joke on Servo.
(The office building. Observer, Bobo, Pearl, and Ortega are sitting around the table.)
Observer: No biggie.... it was a rather simple use of my omnipotent abilities to create this
silly little office building and some of the actors.
Pearl: (Deadpan) Oh yeah, that was big fun. You don't have to thank me, I'll make up
for it... the next installment of "Sinister Unmasked" isn't too far away.
Bobo: I thought it was mighty funny. To think Lawgiver could be in love with a stupid,
little cat. Back in my planet we used to eat cats for breakfast.
Pearl: That's nice, Bobo. (to all) Everyone get out, Pearl needs some time alone.
Bobo: I don't think you get the point. We REALLY DID eat cats for breakfast!
Pearl: That's nice.
(Everyone leaves. Pearl reaches into the box and pulls out Lucifer Sam.)
Pearl: (baby talk) Oh... Sammy... don't let them bother you... (notices camera) Hey! Is
that thing still on? (Covers it with hand. End)
All "Mystery Science Theater 3000" characters and situations are completely and utterly
owned by the hardworking fellows at Best Brains Inc. This fanfic itself is probably copy-
written by Shera Crawler 007. X-Men are copyrighted Marvel Entertainment. This is not
meant as a personal attack on the author, or any other entity for that matter. Any resemblance
between characters and actual people would be really sad. Stay tuned for
a MiSTing of selections from Ben Waton's infamous Frank Zappa book: "The Negative
Diadetics of Poodle Play..."
> Bishop awoke with a jerk, no I mean it he really did wake up with a jerk.