"Holy Corman!" Crow shouted, gazing at the elf, "Suntop? You're the Palace's master?"

The familiar visage of Suntop burst into a silly, slightly dIsTuRbInG grin. "Correct," he said, raising his arms above his head, "You are now on the High Ones' Palace. But this isn't the 'Elfquest' world you know and love. I'm afraid you'll soon find... that you are also stuck in an alternative universe." He cackled slightly, as best a small-
framed young elf could.

Tom Servo moved forward a few feet. "Um, Suntop, good buddy..." he asked, trying not to disturb the elf, "Does this have anything to do with the 'Daughters of Strongbow' fanfic? We all know it's pretty much crap... but it's not even done. How can it be an alternative universe?"

Leering at them, Suntop continued, "Well, it's made me a bad guy... though a pretty ineffectual one at that." After the MST3K trio facefaulted, the elf told them, "You underestimate the power of bad fan fiction. Even the most pathetic, thrown-together Ratliffian mess can destroy an entire well-constructed series. Right now, we elves are escaping the World of Two Moons... but we can never escape the awesome mess known as 'Daughters of Strongbow.' Our history has been permanently scarred just because of one misinterpretation of Hidden Years #5." He scowled, and stomped the ground below him.

"Now we're into a whole new world of goofiness," Mike whispered.

Coughing sharply, Suntop glared at the trio. "You will find a way to overcome this series. But you shall not be alone in the quest," he said, and producing a megaphone out of the blue, he screamed, "Stonehand, send someone up here to begin the destruction!"

Looking at his friends, Tom quietly said, "Hey, I know that name. Stonehand's from the 'Futurequest' segment of the 'Metamorphosis' issue."
A moment later, an elf materialized between the trio and Suntop. Clad in a flashy blue tunic, tight shoes, and a peacock-feather ornamental headpiece, Sust now stood before them. "I always end up in the wrong place..." he muttered, before saying, "This is a personal matter for me. You see how I'm dressed? It's all because of this alternate universe. I can't even get into full drag."

Smiling broadly, Suntop announced, "And now the fun begins. I'll put this deck on Automatic Disco setting... that way, you'll *want* to go into the theater!" He laughed for a second, then his throat became hoarse. "Gotta go," Suntop said, running out of sight.

The deck was then flooded by electric light. "Oh, we got disco sign," Mike said, spitting out his words. The four walked towards a large metal door...

> The Daughters of Strongbow
> Part Two: The Secret Letters of Stormbringer

MIKE: On beyond zebra!

> Warning #2: Anyone who questions, or even *hints* at, the "accuracy"
> of this story will

TOM: Be shot.

> receive the ultimate dud gift: Unknown's autobiography, "How to be
> Strange and Mysterious Without Even Trying."

ALL: "Unknown"?
CROW: (gulp!)
TOM: Oh-oh...

> Letter 1: Childhood Screams
>
> Stormbringer's first letter begins, "To the Chief of Questhaven,

MIKE: (Stormie) I am writing to place a personals ad.
CROW: Isn't that a fan holt?
SUST: I haven't heard of it.

> Treefall: I am called Stormbringer. That is all, no more, no less.
>
> One request I must make of you - do not reveal the information in
> these letters to anyone else. These are private facts about myself,
> and it would be best if *not* everyone in this new Holt knew them.
> Thank you, and may you grow to like the puckernuts of life.

CROW: Are those puckernuts you have?
TOM: Aren't puckernuts tropical?
(Both 'bots laugh maniacally.)
MIKE: (sigh...)

> About my childhood: The first memories I have are of the quiet forest
> that once was my home. My mother and father (I called them that, but
> they were not) lived by themselves, apart from their friends and
> family. Back in my early years, I did not have the sense to ask about
> this, but that is probably best. Upon my fourth year of life, there
> was a great fire in the Holt..."

TOM: Burn, holt, burn! Wolfrider inferno!
SUST: Seventy percent off all merchandise!
(The others stare at Sust.)
SUST: What? This is an alternate universe, you know.

> Dobil looked like he first had, six years ago - foolish. "Foxfur..."
> he panted, "There is a fire... it is coming here, destroying all the
> trees..."

MIKE: Thanks, Mr. Narration.

> Foxfur had been in a very private moment - bathing in the river. Not
> even Dobil, whom she almost liked, was able to interrupt something
> like this! "Dobil, not right now!! Don't you have anything better to
> do?" she said, dropping a huge hint to the young Go-Back.

TOM: Careful up there! Those hints can hurt a lot.

> He got the hint. Dobil swiftly looked around for the child, whatever
> her name was. It turned out that Stormbringer was behind Foxfur's
> back! The nerve of the elf woman...

CROW: To the moon, Foxfur!
TOM: Sorry to say this, but what just happened?
SUST: I think Foxfur wanted Dobil to realize that he needed to look for Stormbringer, but it's pretty hazy...

> ***
> Stormbringer does not remember the fire, but Foxfur and Dobil had
> told her more than enough about it. And from what she had learned
> about a turn of the season ago, the fire had been caused by furious
> humans. Still, she thinks to herself,

MIKE: As opposed to thinking to everyone else.

> her parents' method of escape was much more creative and effective
> than how the remaining Wolfriders fled. Stormbringer admires Foxfur -
> her "mother" (actually, sister) is an individual. Even though
> Stormbringer and Foxfur are very different, they have been good
> friends. She takes her wooden pen and continues her letter to
> Treefall.
>
> "My parents could have Joined for the first time there," Stormbringer
> writes, "if not for the fire.

SUST: Just a minor obstacle, really.
CROW: Um, Sust...? You're scaring us.
SUST: Really? That would be my goal! Nya ha ha!
MIKE: We gotta get you out of this alternaverse...

> They had to get out fast... and the way was not much fun."
> Stormbringer, as she begins to remember her life, wonders if Foxfur
> and Dobil would really have Joined... Probably not, at least not
> peacefully.
>
> ***
> "Are you sure that this is the right way?" Dobil gasped, his head
> just above water. The fire was nothing... compared to the smoke. That
> was the thing that would probably kill them.

TOM: That would perchance happen to be the type of sentence that needs editing in addition to less obfuscation of its various phrases and--
MIKE: We get it. You can stop now.

> Foxfur poked her head out. She knew that Stormbringer had to breathe,
> too. But could the young girl take the smoke? It had been said that
> Stormbringer would survive no matter what... but effort from others
> probably wouldn't hurt. "Yes, Dobil, this will lead us out of the
> forest." Weren't they already past Rillfisher's Grave by now? Foxfur
> thought so, as she ducked back underwater.
>
> Dobil, not quite blinded by the flames,

CROW: Wrapped up like a douche... another runner in the night...

> shouted, "Humans on the loose! They're not happy!"
>
> Foxfur got her head and her child's above water. "I see. They're just
> as crazy as we are." There were at least three of them, two males and
> one female. Nearly mad from the carnage outside, the humans were
> leaping into the river.

TOM (human): We're gonna die! Everybody in the pool!
SUST: Pool? I knew Pool. Pool was a good friend of mine.
MIKE: Not *that* pool.

> **I'm unarmed,** Sent Dobil, diving underwater again, **So we'll have
> to sneak past them.**
>
> **Same here. They aren't really interested in us anyway.**
>
> Stormbringer, being only four, did not Send well yet. She didn't like
> the constant ups and downs, but she knew better than to cry now.
>
> But the humans noticed! One of them pulled out a dagger,

CROW: Well, well!
OTHERS: *Crow*!
CROW: Um... I'll stop now. By the way, isn't this starting to resemble any number of lame B-movies?
MIKE: Uh-huh.
TOM: But without the unique panache and cadence.

> and despite his insanity, leaped right at Dobil. Dobil's shock could
> be felt as he suddenly dodged towards the center of the river. He
> then Sent a warning to Foxfur and child...
>
> She replied, **Got it. We will get past the other two.**
>
> The human remained face down in the river. Dobil, unharmed, assumed
> that he wouldn't be back up any time soon. The other two humans
> seemed to blankly stare as the elves waded by...

MIKE: The elves have gained another ten yards... but humans are *down* all over the field!
SUST: You humans tend to do a lot of blank staring, don't you?
MIKE: Hey!

> ***
> Stormbringer continues, "Though my parents nearly got killed - and
> threatened to kill each other - they made it into the plains in the
> west. However, my father Dobil could see mountains not far to the
> north, and he began to desire his home again. And so my parents began
> to become bitter towards each other.

TOM (Foxfur): I am feeling bitter towards you, Dobil.
CROW (Dobil): I am feeling bitter towards you, Foxfur.
MIKE: Man... what I wouldn't give for a good Sailor Mac or Mark Berger 'fic...

> At this point, I started to become more independent... Since then, I
> have had a philosophy: No point, no plot, no meaning. It's simple
> enough..."
>
> ***
> While all this was going on, the rest of the Wolfriders were having
> hardships of their own. These tales are related in other works. For
> the uninformed, they ended up in an obscure desert village, where
> they would stay for the next seven years.

SUST: But we're just going to skip that for now.

> But unlike the picture presented in those stories, the Wolfriders did
> indeed think of Foxfur and her mysterious friends. They were believed
> dead... obviously, they are not. Some, however, did wonder...
>
> "Where is Cutter?" asked the desert healer.
>
> "He's gone!" frowned Skywise. (What does that mean? Allow for an
> explanation.)

MIKE: Where oh where has my little Cutter gone...
TOM: Do we really want to hear the explanation?
CROW: The answer is all too obvious.

> Inside, Skywise meant more than he said. Indeed, the vow between him
> and Foxfur had *not* been broken! And the facades of the desert
> could not disguise the sins... his sins, their sins.

TOM: You sin! You go sinning and you die!

> They all knew, and so did their new acquaintances. The act of
> Strongbow had been forgiven. After all, Joyleaf was dead, and the
> child surely was as well. But the acts of his old lovemate... what
> was her name again?... those were probably far darker and worse.
> Though Skywise never said (or Sent) it, he always thought to himself
> that his lovemate was still out there in the world. It was just a
> memory lapse or something, and of course it wasn't true. But what
> was her name, anyway?

SUST: You want us to tell you?
CROW: Mike, why do the elves have such bad memory problems here?
MIKE: Like I'd know that...

> ***
> Stormbringer tends to think a lot while writing. She is not a
> conventional elf by any stretch. Of course, few elves actually write
> at all. But the girl looks like many Wolfriders: light red hair that
> is tied into a long tail, smallish, pale features, and simple, slick
> clothing. But there are a few external differences. Stormbringer
> seems to have no breasts,
(Sust falls off his chair.)
TOM: Yeah, the pain factor is definitely intact from Part One.
SUST: ...Auntie Krim? Is that you?

> and if one looks closely, she actually has five fingers and toes per
> hand/foot. And inside, Stormbringer is a... unique elf.
>
> She ends her first letter, "At the age of five, my memories begin
> with an episode

MIKE (Stormie): Where I had to dress entirely in pink. It was nauseating!

> where I was outside the cloth dwelling my parents had made. It was
> one of their arguments... and it lead to a long adventure that
> taught me much about the nature of elves. I will write again,
> Treefall, once I have Sent an important message to my friend Suntop...

SUST: No... no... it's too painful...
CROW: How did he end up being an evil character.
SUST: Well, it's not too clear to me, but I think the Black Snake posters all over his room have something to do with it.
(Crow faints.)

> By the way, I have realized that you may not be able to read this. I
> realize that this is a rather complex system - after all, I like
> challenges. But if you can not make any sense out of this, tell my
> messengers. They are part of the family that I have grown up with,
> and you can trust them. We'll work this out somehow. Until next time,
> run your wolves crazy."

MIKE: Now that's what I call crazy.
TOM: Crazy? You don't know anything about it. I should tell you about being cRaZy.
SUST: Go on... boast all you want... but I alone know the truth. You see... I was once
CC RRRR AA ZZZZZZZZ YY YY
CC CC RR RR AA AA ZZ YY YY
CC CC RR RR AA AA ZZ YY YY
CC RR RR AAAAAAAAA ZZ YYYY
CC RRRR AA AA ZZ YY
CC CC RR RR AA AA ZZ YY
CC CC RR RR AA AA ZZ YY ..
CC RR RR AA AA ZZZZZZZZ YY ..
OTHERS: Whoa!

> ***
> Dobil came out from the family tent. Clothed in his usual covering
> vest and breeches, his expression was frustrated and somber. "Little
> Stormbringer," he told the girl who had been waiting, "I don't know
> if you'll understand this... but there is something that I must tell
> you."
>
> "Of course I'll understand. We're going north to your home, right?"
> Stormbringer smiled gently as she repeated what she had just heard.

MIKE: Hey, it's Chibi-Chibi!
SUST: Huh?
OTHERS: Don't ask.

> Dobil, somewhat surprised, continued, "You've got it. You are very
> intelligent, Stormie, and don't forget it. Anyway, I'm really not
> sure how we'll get there. But one way or another, we will find my
> people - the 'Go-Backs,' as we call ourselves..."
>
> Foxfur also emerged from the tent, saying to Dobil, "What do you mean
> by 'Go-Backs,' by the High Ones? There sure isn't a forest to go back
> to!" Her "mate" managed to frustrate her with his stupidity.

ALL: Lame!

> "I told you already, Foxfur.

CROW (Dobil): And I ain't gonna tell ya again.

> We roam the cold lands, trying to fight our way back to the Palace.
> However, the trolls are always driving us back... and thus the name!"
> Dobil had made his best joke in years.
>
> Stormbringer interrupted, "I think it sounds like fun. Better than a
> handful of puckernuts. Maybe even better than two handfuls of
> puckernuts!"

TOM: Welcome to... the Pain Zone.
SUST: This had better be over soon. I've got some better things to do.

> Her "mother" sighed. The child knew nothing about traditions.
> "Stormbringer," she advised, "Someday you will learn to hate
> puckernuts... If the dreamberries ever grow again..."
>
> --Character Profile 11: Stormbringer.--
> Gender: Female. Race: Wolfrider. Age (at present): 13.

MIKE: Present?
TOM: Maybe it's when she's writing the story.

> Soul name: Zhai. Relatives: father Strongbow, mother Joyleaf (dead),
> sister Foxfur, brother Dart. Love/Lifemate: none. Likes: Puckernuts,
> justice, secrets, challenges. Dislikes: ignorance, grudges. Other
> info: Stormbringer's life is revealed in this story. As she still is
> young, not much more has happened. Wait for the sequel!

ALL: Aaaaagh!

> Quote: "Oh, yea. So maybe I did have a mother. Big deal."
>

MIKE: I think it's over...
SUST: Finally. Now let's see if we can see what Suntop's up to.

Crow, though he was in the middle of tooling with a control panel, looked toward Sust. "Gee," the robot said, "And I thought elves were supposed to have a good chance at finding hidden doors." The golden robot pressed a small green switch.

"Hey!" Mike shouted, "I thought we said 'no role-playing jokes'! People won't get them." He continued to scan the side of the Palace, looking through the plastic bubble that covered most of the bridge.

Tom, who had been busy looking over a plain gray wall, replied, "Well, the same goes for most of the anime references. It takes a pretty hard-
core fanboy to know who Chibi-Chibi is. Not that I'd want to." He shuddered.

A moment later, Sust stopped in his tracks. "I've found it!" he said, shouting loudly. For the first time in his alternate-
universe life, the elf was not wearing a banana-covered hat. He brushed aside the moss covering the door, which was marked in yellow lettering, %Secret Door.% "I'm going in... you cover for me. When I hit the Button, you'll definitely know something's happened."

The human and the two robots watched Sust run off. "What a brave, brave elf," Crow remarked, trying to sniffle.

At that moment, multi-colored buzzers lit up the vast window pane, obscuring the view of the planets below. Mike, turning toward the well-marked theater door, said, "Oh, we got fanfic sign!"

TOM: Multiple exclamation points are signs of a deranged mind.
CROW: Hey, it's for Treefall's eyes only. Anyone thinking what I'm thinking?
TOM: Maybe... Falcon Bond?
CROW: Yuparoonie!
TOM: (Falcon Bond) Dreamberries--shaken, not raw.

> Thank you, my friend Treefall. Yes, I saw your Holt, and it was
> fairly impressive. However, that IRRITATING YOUNGSTER Falconbane
> has been acting like some sort of 'dortboy,'

MIKE: We should have asked Sust what that word means. I have no idea.

> like my mother always says. Please kill him for me.
>
> Anyway, I will continue my life story here. I unfortunately have to
> send this on mere tree bark, but I'll get around to Sending to you
> privately. Thanks for telling Dobil about your problem. I'll teach
> him how to read this. Oh, and also my family is still alive. I do
> not kill easily, Treefall.

TOM: Boy! I just love Stormie's morals.

> ...The three of us went north that very night. I believe the journey
> took about two seasons total. About the time that it would become
> cold in the south, we entered the frozen regions. My 'father,' Dobil,
> taught us how to survive the cold and not starve. And the High Ones
> were certainly with us, for we found Dobil's tribe in three eights
> of days."

MIKE: Well, we're near a scene break here. What do you guys think of this story?
CROW: The exclamation points got it going on a pretty sour note... but this chapter is looking better overall.
TOM: Of course I'm bothered by all the continuity errors, and all this nonsense by the fan holt... This one might have promise, though! The author just needs to steer away from silly dialogue and stick to the plot points.

> ***
> Dobil, facing a great circle of Go-Backs, announced himself, saying,
> "Hi, everyone. It's me, Dobil, cousin of Sezen."
>
> The crowd seemed unmoved. One grown elf stood up. Looking like a
> grizzled version of Dobil, he asked, "What? Something about Sezen?
> And who the *$&@@

CROW: Cid Highwind?

> are you?"
>
> Caught off guard, Dobil nervously said, "I said, I'm Dobil. Sezen is
> dead.

TOM: Sezen is dead. Hip hip hooray...

> He fell honorably, battling six trolls by himself. I am his cousin,
> and last relative."
>
> The grizzly elf continued to stand staring. A fairly young female
> stood to say, "Sezen is dead, you say, Dobil?"
>
> "Who are these elves, mate?" Foxfur nudged Dobil.

MIKE: So... Foxfur's from Australia?
ALL: No.

> Dobil, without looking at his "mate," told the female, "Yes. What do
> you know of him?"
>
> The young female Go-Back seemed amused. "Dobil, don't you remember
> anything? I'm Jieta, Sezen's former lovemate.

CROW: Supposed former lovemate.

> Nowadays, though..." Foxfur now agreed with Sezen's comments well
> over seven turns ago that Jieta looked good. Most of this tribe's
> elves were plain and black-haired, but Jieta had an appealing brown
> color of hair.
>
> "Jieta... I'm sorry that it turned out this way... but there was this
> battle, you see, and..." Dobil was already in her arms.

MIKE: Hey, this isn't so bad!
CROW: You're right. It's getting close to the Sailor Mac level.

> The Go-Back chief, Kahvi, commented, "You don't have to just stand
> there. I don't know who... Dobil's friends are, but we're forming a
> Joining circle right about now, and well, you know..."

ALL: NO!

> This person obviously had some authority among the Go-Backs here.
> Dobil continued to be in Jieta's arms. Foxfur groaned, "Not a Joining
> circle... you people are sick."

TOM: Damn straight.
CROW: How would she know about joining circles? Unless Foxfur's been reading 'Quiz or something...
MIKE: (Coughs) No plugs.
CROW: Sorry.

> Dobil, however, did not look at his family.
>
> "Oh! Oh! Oh!" shouted Stormbringer, "Did I ever tell you Dobil's
> joke about Joining circles?"
>
> The old one mumbled, "Don't bother."
>
> Foxfur made an aside to chief Kahvi, "Who is that guy?"
>
> Kahvi briefly responded, "He's gone crazy. Try to ignore old Orash,
> all right?" Foxfur recognized the name of Dobil's uncle hero, and
> went back to where Dobil was.

MIKE: Hey... isn't Orash supposed to be dead?
TOM: I wouldn't know. This story left me behind about five chapters ago.

> "Well, it goes like this. How many elves does it take to make a
> Joining circle? Anyone know?"
>
> Jieta whispered to Dobil, "How old is this joke, Dobil?"
>
> Stormbringer finished, "Only two, provided that they're very
> flexible!" She was already laughing at the old, worn-out pun.

CROW: Excuse me while I sink under the seat. (His head disappears from the screen.)

> Nearly all the Go-Backs groaned. This caused Jieta to wonder, asking,
> "Dobil, did you find yourself a family over these last seven turns
> of the seasons?"
>
> "That's exactly what happened..." the prodigal Dobil sighed, "I
> found Foxfur here, and she ended up adopting Stormbringer. By the
> way, I'll Join this circle... if Foxfur allows it."

MIKE & TOM: Say no!

> An irritated Foxfur Sent to him, **Go ahead, Dobil. But this is a
> promise you make - that we shall never Join with each other.
> Stormbringer and I will get out of your way. And I won't let you know
> who that old elf is.**

MIKE & TOM: BOO!
CROW: Is it safe...?
MIKE: Maybe. I don't see any more jokes on the way...
(Crow's head reappears on screen.)

> He didn't seem to care. Dobil silently went to his tribe and to "his"
> Jieta. It would be a long time before Dobil would hear what had
> really happened to Orash, the insane hero.
>
> --Character Profile 12: Jieta--
> Gender: Female. Race: Go-Back. Age: young adult. Soul name: none.
> Relatives: none of note. Love/Lifemate: Dobil, and formerly Sezen.

TOM: And who doesn't love Jieta's morals?

> Likes: Males, elf-watching. Dislikes: Suspicions. Other info: Jieta
> is a typical Go-Back, though not as deadly. Quote: "How many cubs
> have we had, Dobil?"

ALL: Aaaaaggh!

> ***
> Stormbringer's letter continues, "We stayed with the tribe for over
> two turns of the seasons. My father wanted to see Jieta deliver
> their cub, and Foxfur wanted to kill a few trolls. Eventually, I got
> to experience this, and learned of what the northerners call 'war.'

CROW: What's it good for?

> I am a warrior even now, but not an avid one.
>
> Anyway, when I was eight turns out of the womb, we decided to return
> to the south. Since trolls activity was increasing, we went on a new
> route, one that leaned toward the east. It was just as long as a
> journey as before. However, this time, we found something
> unexpected... humans!"

ALL: *Humans*!
TOM: Waa waa waa...

> ***
> Stormbringer's thoughts now wander to one of the best times of her
> life: among the primitive humans. Her family had slightly expanded.
> Now among them were the Go-Back girl Jieta and her cub Vaun. Foxfur
> was definitely her favorite, for she paid attention to the young
> Stormbringer...
>
> ***
> Maybe you, the reader, are wondering who has been making these
> observations.

CROW: Oh, the suspense!

> Well, here I am. They call me Suntop, and you may do the same. How
> have I put this together? Stormbringer is a friend of mine, and we
> shared much during the last one and a half "years." She is told me
> about her life, including what her parents remember, and how to
> record all this. However, her ways are not easy to learn. Even
> though I may eventually leave for my tribe's sake, I am now watching
> her as she records the story as she likes it. Stormbringer may never
> find a lifemate, but I think that I have shown her that it is
> possible, despite her handicaps.

MIKE: Ahem.

> Shade and sweet water, Stormbringer.

TOM: Wow... that wasn't all that bad. I wonder if this was written by two authors?
CROW: Maybe they traded off scenes! That's why it keeps going up and down.

> --Character Profile 13: Suntop--
> Gender: Male. Race: Wolfrider/Sun Folk. Age (at present): 7. Soul
> name: unknown. Relatives: father Cutter, mother Leetah, sister
> Ember. Love/Lifemates: none. Likes: Sending out, his family,
> friendship. Dislikes: Evil magic, danger, guilt. Other info: Suntop
> will not inherit his father's chiefhood. He can choose his own path
> in life, which will probably involve his growing powers.

ALL: Grow, powers. Growing powers, grow!

> Quote: "At least I tried."
>
> ***
> The four - now five - elves had managed their way into the trees.
> None of the tall humans of this village had seen them yet,

MIKE: But all the short ones had.

> but both sides were definitely on guard.
>
> **My cub, are you sure you want to do this?** Foxfur Sent,
**We can
> always wait until night... that's when THEY sleep, and then take
> their stuff and go. If you go now, Stormbringer, you could get the
> whole village after us!**

CROW: But if you take Door #2, you *could* get a free cheese grater!
ALL: Choose, Stormie, choose!

> The younger Wolfrider snapped back mentally, **Mother, really. I
> never get in trouble, right?**
>
> Dobil obviously disagreed. **NO. Jieta and Vaun will be in big
> trouble. And they can't hear our Sendings.**
>
> Stormbringer was a bit tired of her father's attitude. She Sent back,
> **They can just go back to the Go-Backs, and leave the hard stuff to
> us. I'm going to have some fun, and no one is going to stop me!**

TOM: Maybe Stormie could get a part in a remake of "Untamed Youth."
CROW: I dunno... you remember what her "handicaps" are?
TOM: Good point. But I'm starting to visualize this all now - we could turn this fanfic into a movie!

> The elf cub dashed into the human village. What a pathetic place,
> she thought to herself. Totally disorganized and in the open plains,
> Stormbringer believed that the humans' town was inferior even to the
> Go-Back settlement. It was midday in the growing season, and nearly
> all the tall ones were up and about.

TOM: We could have Geena Davis as Foxfur... Tom Hanks as Dobil... Sean Connery as Strongbow... but what about Stormie?
MIKE: Hey, Tom?

> Stormbringer crept up behind one of the older humans. Either she was
> stealthy, or he was foolishly pathetic, because Stormbringer knocked
> him off his feet simply by shouting "Ha ha!"
>
> The bald one was terrified upon seeing the elf. He said in his own
> language, "/What the *#@&! Somebody help me!\"

CROW: How *did* Cid Highwind sneak into the fanfic?
TOM: If we were still in the 70s, Tatum O'Neal would be a good Stormie. Now, as for Skywise... I'm thinking DiCaprio, but that's only if he gets a more "romantic" portrayal later...
MIKE: Tom? Snap out of it.
TOM: Huh...? Oh, right.

> Meanwhile, Stormbringer decided to find another victim. Ducking
> behind someone's hut, she analyzed the situation. There was a big
> gathering around some sort of high pole, and nothing else of note.
> Why not check this out? she fiendishly thought.
>
> The humans, somewhat dressed, seemed very absorbed in this pole.
> Stormbringer, form a hidden vantage point, looked at this odd pole.

CROW: Become one with it. Feel the pole within your soul.

> At the top was a sort of clear hut, with an unnatural light shining
> from within... even though it was the middle of the day. But
> Stormbringer knew better than to ask the humans, because they
> wouldn't understand her anyway. She continued to watch them in
> silence.
>
> From out of the blue

TOM: Came a massive fanfic, crushing everyone under its weight. The few who survived soon found themselves dying in the fallout...
MIKE: Careful there, buddy.

> sky, a less-than-solid image appeared, floating over the high pole.
> It was of a very pale, tall creature, either an evil human or a
> corrupt elf. And its hideous beauty was definitely female. Needless
> to say, the full attention of both the humans and Stormbringer was
> fixated on this image.
>
> It (she) spoke!

MIKE: Four score and seven years ago...

> "HUMANS," she bellowed (somehow, both the humans and the elf could
> understand it), "YOU HAVE DONE WELL. To congratulate you, I will
> STRIKE DOWN one of you!" Instantly, a young man fell backwards,
> nearly hitting Stormbringer. She could tell that he was alive, but
> definitely injured... and the humans weren't even fazed by this
> display of evil.
>
> The evil image concluded in her painful voice, "HUMANS, finish your
> duty to me! KILL the unlucky one, and I will be appeased!" she said,
> staring at them horribly.

TOM: I love her acting technique, don't you?

> Stormbringer was amazed as all the humans at the pole turned around,
> armed with various implements of death. She began to run in terror,
> but found out before taking two steps that she was carrying
> something... something very heavy! The young elf was shocked to see
> that she had somehow picked up the "unlucky" human! And she could
> not physically let it go.

MIKE: So what other ways are there to let something go?
CROW: I think I finally get this story!
MIKE & TOM: Huh?
CROW: You see, it's all a reiteration of Hidden Years #3. Girl finds human boy, finds herself inexplicably attracted to him. Then, in due course, they are separated by the capricious forces of nature and destiny! That's the whole theme of the story. It cuts to the heart of modern American life, creating a Campbell-like representation of the everyday experiences of many lovers in today's society.
(Mike and Tom applaud.)
CROW: Thank you. Refreshments will be served in the hall.

> By this time, the humans had seen Stormbringer with her cargo. They
> became even more irate when the foul image screamed, "KILL THE
> INTRUDER TOO!" What kind of joke is this? thought Stormbringer. She
> ran, but to where? To her family, of course. But where were they
> again?
>
> ***
> Foxfur got a very, very bad feeling.

TOM: Maybe Harrison Ford should get a part.
MIKE: Forget it, Tom.

> "Stormie's in trouble. I'll be right back," Foxfur said, descending
> from the tree before Dobil could even react. Facing the human
> village, Foxfur spotted a strange, but familiar creature coming. It
> was Stormbringer, all right. And a despicable pack of humans were
> chasing her.
>
> Foxfur raced to help her cub. The girl was straining herself by
> running, for she was carrying... a human body?

CROW: "The Body That Wouldn't Die"!

> While pushing her along, she Sent to Stormbringer, **What have you
> gotten into this time? I told you!**
>
> Stormbringer Sent for the first time ever, **Can't you see?
> Something, I don't know what, is making me carry this thing. So help
> me, mother!** She was tiring under the boy's weight... how often did
> these humans eat?

TOM: Yeah, Mike - what's up with that?
MIKE: Well... I...
CROW: Excellent satire! Today's issues take on an entirely different perspective... and it's all because of this fanfic!

> Foxfur looked back at the maddening crowd. Now the two elves were
> gaining ground, and would be out of their range soon. Hmmm, Foxfur
> thought... carrying a mysterious person... an unknown force... it
> was very familiar.

TOM: Our story has now come full circle. What will happen in the next episode? Oh, the suspense!

> ***
> Stormbringer's letter concludes, "Around that time in my life,

MIKE: I loved you more?

> things began to seem 'familiar,' or so my mother said. I will reveal
> more of my life in my next letter, if you are still interested. Until
> then, try the puckernuts of life, and stay off dreamberries while
> you're at it. Signed, Stormbringer."

CROW: Finally!
MIKE: Let's see if Sust succeeded...

Over the noise and static, they heard a familiar elven voice: "Yes - I hit the Button! But something's going wrong. Suntop is out cold, and I don't know if I can hold on much longer." As they listened intently, Sust's rapidly fading voice said, "We may be headed for
another-- alternative universe..."

Crow looked at Tom. Tom looked at Crow. Both looked at Mike. "Uh-oh," they said together, as the lights and sound went out.

"Oh man," Crow said, feeling a little relieved to see the failed foe unconscious, "Our old baddie has now got it bad. Well, now that we're in another universe, maybe he won't be evil any longer."

Mike looked sideways at Crow. Quietly, he asked, "Wanna bet?"

Crow let off a yelp. Noticably twitching, he replied, "Ah ha ha... yeah, I'll bet, I'll bet! Fifty RAM chips, buddy."

Meanwhile, Tom stared at the both of them. He asked, "Since when does Crow have an interest in gambling?" Neither of his friends heard the question, for they were already counting out RAM chips.

"What... huh... what is this?" Suntop slowly asked, as he sat up. The young elf blinked his eyes twice.

Mike looked down toward the elf. Quietly, he replied, "You don't want to know. It's confusing, and I don't care to explain it right now."

Immediately, Crow jumped toward Suntop. In a loud, eager voice, the robot asked, "Quick--are you a bad guy?"

Twitching his lip, Suntop stammered, "Um... I... I don't know."

Laughing uncontrollably, Tom Servo shouted, "Now you owe me fifty RAM chips. Bwa ha ha!" His gumball head started to spark.

"Oh, this is just great, guys," Mike said. Quickly glancing at the floor-to-ceiling viewscreen, he asked, "You just know that another wannabe bad guy is going to show up any second."

Answering his question, all four of them heard a loud, slow laugh. It was definitely evil, no question about that. However, the laugh was distinctly high-pitched. Their bad guy was female.

Staggering to get on his feet, Suntop blurted, "I... I..." He was wobbling as he stood.

A second later, the familiar movie sign went off. Sighing, Mike said, "Oh, we got fanfic sign. Follow us, Suntop... otherwise, you're going in greater pain than we will."

"That wasn't good grammar, Mike," Tom said pertly.

Ignoring the robot's comment, Mike lead all of them into the theater...

> Extreme Weirdness
> By John Alan Riggs
>
> Introduction

CROW: (breathless) My name is Crow T. Robot, I'm a young girl from Tokyo, age 14, my hobbies are kendo and video games, and my blood type is A.
SUNTOP: ...

> (For the terminally stupid, this whole book if filmed from Ganvaus'
> only moon, Pabdi.)
>
> "Thirty seconds 'till show time!!" the filming crew hollered to a
> number of fat, sarcastic men

TOM: Is this a comedians' convention?

> who were standing around on the gray, featureless rock surface.
> Immediately 75% of the staff started running around like mad, which
> should clue the reader - that's you - into the events to come.

MIKE: (booming) What lies in store for our heroes?

> Thirty seconds later, the nameless 75% had almost run out of air, so
> when the remaining filming crew shouted "POSITIONS, EVERYONE! START
> FILMING!!" they promptly fainted on the spot.

(Suntop faints.)
CROW: (whisper) He doesn't have much stamina, huh?

> The director, Joe Boringo (he had an IQ of fifteen) simultaneously
> slapped himself and started filming the credits anyway.
>
> The first credit screen was titled "Dedications." But after three
> long screens of messages such as "I'm gonna quit!", "Who the *$!)@~#
> writes these %^>#=(*# scripts??", and "This part is IMPOSSIBLE!!!"
> all from "Yo-K,"

ALL EXCEPT SUNTOP: Umm...

> the most obnoxious/noboxious character in the book; the director fast
> forwarded through this nonsense after a few seconds of exasperation.
> The camera was fast, but it was a half hour before he reached the
> next section

TOM: Monty Python did it better.

> (Hint, hint). The next section consisted of previews for equally lame
> movies such as Dinosaurs Eat Cadillacs (which was rumored to be five
> hours long),

MIKE: (goofy) But with a name like that, how could ya resist?

> The Last Dazed and Confused Boy Scout Action Hero Married an Axe
> Murdered Named Aladdin, Stare War Truck Epi-soda Roman Numeral
> NC108ISTHEREASUBLIMINALMESSAGEHERENOOFCOURSENOT ("starring Indy,
> Anna, Darth, Wayne, Nose Picard, and Jim, who's been dead ever since
> Episode Negative Twelve!"), and, worst of all, Poof!,

TOM: "Poof"? I kinda like that name.
CROW: Is this paragraph ever going to end?

> the movie whose title screen lasted for two hours without changing.
> Ten sequels were on the way!
>
> After all of the previews, the real filming of the book-
about-to-
> become-movie began. It was estimated at a later time that the entire
> production cost $500 billion, a savings of $1.99 off the original
> budget price tag. It was a box office flop. Critics everywhere said
> that the book was better, which I wrote (Not you! ME!! Ha ha ha!!)

MIKE: Ummm... This is a story based on the movie of a book by the same author?
TOM: Good enough for me.
MIKE: Yeah. We should be going, though... Suntop's still unconscious, and I don't think he'll be getting up for a while.
(They exit the theater.)

"Bravo! Encore!" Tom Servo quietly said, trying to clap his hands.

Slowly, a face appeared on the static-ridden viewscreen. Their foe was an... ordinary-looking woman. "Greetings," she said, in a crisp, sophisticated accent, "Since you asked so politely... bUgGeR oFf,

PPPP EEEEEE OOOOOO NNN NN SSSSS !!
PP PP EE OO OO NN NN NN SS !!
PP PP EE OO OO NN NN NN SS !!
PPPP EEEE OO OO NN NN NN SSSSS !!
PP EE OO OO NN NN NN SS !!
PP EE OO OO NN NNNN SS
PP EEEEEE OOOOOO NN NNN SSSSS !!

Oh, and by the way," she continued, wiping the evil grin off her face, "Call me Roberta. I'm a 34-year old Hispanic-American native of Portland, Oregon. A machinist by day, but an Internet flamer by night."

Though they had been covering their... um, ears, Mike and the bots looked toward Roberta, and all had concerned expressions on. "That's very nice," Crow said, glancing down at the floor, "But we've been somehow stuck with Suntop here, and he's not in a good condition to help us out. You don't *need* to monitor his mind, do you?"

"I suppose not," Roberta said, a note of concern in her voice, "But don't you want to hear about my evil exploits? How I nearly destroyed Apple with the Michaelangelo virus? How I hacked into Mixx Communications' site? My deal with my boss?"

Mike and the bots coughed simultaneously, and told her, "Not really." They paused, hoping their new enemy would not be overly concerned by such a statement.

For a second, Roberta paused. After cracking her knuckles, she replied, "Very well then. Suntop will no longer be with you. But instead... I shall continue the experiment. Your new installment of 'Daughters' is... a little different than the other ones. I hope you'll enjoy it." She smiled coyly, and an instant later, her image vanished. Suntop was also gone from view.

Both bots looked toward Mike. Feeling prophetic, he said, "It could be worse. But we got fanfic sign!" As the siren went off, they ran back towards the theater...

> Letter Three: A Time for Peace
>
> It's me again, Suntop.

MIKE: Good thing he gets to miss this...

> I don't understand Stormbringer's next letter. We've known each other
> for seven seasons, and still this doesn't make any sense. But here it
> is - good luck.

TOM: Who is Suntop talking to?

> ***
> Stormbringer's third letter begins, "Ayooah-wa, Treefall! Something
> amazing has happened to me. Part of the credit must go to one named
> Jhorof, but the rest belongs to the Higher Power that he told me
> about...

MIKE: Hoo-boy.
CROW: That's it. Goodbye, Elfquest universe. It was nice knowing you.

> Yes, the group Dobil travels with is his family. They are of a
> different tribe than ours, but I do not think of them as inferior. So
> maybe they do complain a lot, but it's just that I tend to unnerve
> others. This is no fault of mine. However, I encourage you to stop
> letting your tribe threaten my friends! They are not expert warriors.
>
> If you're still interested in my childhood...

TOM: Visit Stormbringer-the-elf.com!

> here goes. About five turns of the seasons ago, we fled from the
> humans and began to travel again. We ended up in a bleak, hilly,
> treeless land... the land that had once been my forest home."
>
> Stormbringer remembers the day. There would not be such an eventful
> day for another two turns of the seasons.

MIKE: Oh grand and glorious day!
CROW: What a day it will be!

> It all began at a little patch of ordinary rock.
>
> ***
> Foxfur was weeping. For the first time in her life, she felt that
> feeling of isolation. Her "family" was standing by,

CROW: Getting ready to attack the Death Star.

> as always. Well, they certainly didn't value her. Why did they stare
> at her, in this worst of moments? This was a place of memories long
> gone, where all these mad adventures had begun - at a little patch

TOM: How'd he get here?

> of rock. Now, everyone was being annoyingly quiet: Dobil,
> Stormbringer, Jieta, little Vaun, and... whatever the human liked to
> call himself. Idiots, all of you, Foxfur bitterly thought.
>
> Dobil admiringly looked at the hollow rock.

MIKE: <LOOK AT ROCK.>
TOM: <You don't see anything unusual.>
MIKE: <TOUCH ROCK.>
TOM: <It seems to be a rock.>
MIKE: <PICK UP ROCK.>
TOM: <You can't do that.>
MIKE: <DAMN.>
TOM: <You can't do that.>

> "This seems familiar, somehow, but I can't place it. Anyone else
> know?" he puzzled, holding the very familiar Jieta close to himself.
>
> **Stupid cub!** Foxfur Sent to Dobil, **This is the rock where we
> first met. And you wanted to go home then! Maybe you can permanently
> go back now, Go-Back!**

CROW: (Dobil) Ha ha, that's very funny, miss... get me out of here!

> Jieta commented in general, "Nice forest, Dobil. Well, I caught a
> little of what your friend was 'sending,' and I think she wanted to
> say, 'Go through rock.' Right?" Jieta innocently looked at the broken
> Foxfur.

MIKE: Sheesh. Someone should glue Foxfur back together.

> Dobil's "friend" grudgingly said, "Not quite. Why can't you leave us
> alone, Jieta? My time and Sendings are private."
>
> From off to the side, Stormbringer interrupted, "Uh... trolls
> incoming." She grabbed a sharp stick that she had collected not long
> after the human encounter.

TOM: (Game master) You encounter three skeletons. They shake their swords at you.

> The human youth, who called himself Karyk, asked, "/What are those?
> They are ugly!\" for a good reason. The trolls were ugly, and dressed
> even worse. Though the two foes posed no threat to the Go-
Backs,
> Karyk had never seen trolls in his life. He stuck close to his elf
> friends.
>
> --Character Profile 14: Karyk--

MIKE: I know this story has a thing about properly introducing its characters, but isn't this a little much? I mean, this human just showed up, and he'll probably be dead in a few chapters.
CROW: It could be worse. Heard of the X-Men fanfic "X"?

> Gender: Male. Race: Human. Age: teenager. Soul name: none. Relatives:
> unknown. Love/Lifemates: none. Likes: Other people (even elves).
> Dislikes: Hate.

TOM: (Karyk) Buddy, go home!

> Other info: Karyk came from some human tribe - it doesn't matter
> which. Someday, he may prove to have some worth. Quote: "..."
>
> ***
> Stormbringer's thoughts have been interrupted (again!) by a loud
> rustling from the undergrowth and bushes. She puts down her writing
> materials and checks the shaded area. Not surprisingly, someone has
> been sneaking around from behind the trees. And that someone is
> Suntop.

CROW: (Suntop) I am somebody! Suntop somebody!
MIKE: Oh, man... don't check his area. Please.

> **What ARE you doing in there, Suntop?** Stormbringer Sends to her
> cousin. **And why were you trying to sneak up on me?** Suntop is a
> rather dark-skinned elf, and is of above-average looks. Still, having
> been raised in the desert, he tends to stumble around in the forest.
>
> He stands up and shrugs, dressed much like his father Cutter.

TOM: Since when? Hey, do either of you remember when this story takes place?
(Mike and Crow shrug.)
TOM: Hmmm...

> "Well, there are certain 'guy' things, and other 'girl' things. A
> very respectable elf, Savah, taught me that. And I believe it."
>
> That went over Stormbringer's head. She says to her friend, "Oh, go
> play with the Preservers.

CROW: (exaggerated gangster) Youse is gonna be playin' with da preservas.

> I'm trying to come up with a brilliant literary concept, and I don't
> like to be interrupted."
>
> Stormbringer watches as Suntop blends into the woods. He'll be back,
> I know it, she thinks. Stormbringer seats herself again and

MIKE: --gets up again. Nothing gonna keep her down.
CROW: Will she drink a whiskey drink?

> remembers a time when her family really irritated her... She writes,
> "Not long after returning to my childhood home, we discovered a
> group of trolls. However, they were not hostile. The trolls of the
> Holt were alone and weak, and had no choice but to be friendly. They
> even let us live in their former cave. We stayed there for about two
> turns of the seasons. During this time was when you

CROW: Hey! Leave us out of the story.
MIKE: Tom? Are you OK?
TOM: I'm thinking, I'm thinking...

> and I first met. I had been bored, and my family finally let me go on
> a journey by myself. So that is how I reached your Holt..."
>
> ***
> She had traveled over the river and through the woods for this?
> Stormbringer vowed upon seeing these other elves that she would never
> take another trip into the unknown.
>
> Only three elves were there besides Stormbringer. One was Treefall,
> and another was the famous Falconbane.

MIKE: (announcer) Ladies and gentlemen, I give you TV's Falconbane!

> The other was a suspicious girl whose name no one knows. Falconbane
> addressed Stormbringer, "Hello, my name is Falconbane, and I am very
> tired today."

CROW: (Falconbane) Thank you! You've been a wonderful audience.
MIKE: Tom, just forget it. The continuity's too weird.
TOM: Oh, all right.

> The Unknown Wolfrider snuggled up subtly to Falconbane. He was one of
> the few that she could be honest with, and that was certainly hard to
> do, considering her past.
>
> Stormbringer, not feeling too enthusiastic about this welcoming
> committee, asked them, "So this is an organized tribe? It sure
> doesn't seem like it. And how did you get here anyway?"
>
> Treefall plainly responded, "That's a long story.

TOM: I am amazed by this fanfic. It's a story within a story within a story!
CROW: Funny, I never thought about it in that way...

> You can call me Treefall, by the way. And I'm the chief here."
>
> His underling Falconbane wittily interrupted, "I could've been, if it
> wasn't for this friend of mine."
>
> Unknown Sent exclusively, **Don't mention that.**

MIKE: (Unknown) Ixnay! Ixnay on the script-reading!

> Treefall, slightly annoyed, continued, "Anyway, here's our story..."
>
> --Character Profile 15: The Unknown Wolfrider--
> Gender: Female. Race: Wolfrider. Age: young adult. Real name:
> Woodberry.

MIKE: Hey... isn't she also in ElfQuiz Parody?
CROW: Well, this story was sort of an inspiration for 'Quiz. But I think the Woodberry there is different. Still, does it matter?
ALL: No!

> Soul name: Cani. Relatives: Won't tell, doesn't know. Love/Lifemate:
> Falconbane. Likes: Adventuring, mystery. Dislikes: Interrogation,
> vulnerability. Other info: "Unknown" is the cub that slipped away.
> The details of this are, well, unknown, but by some means, she fled
> the old Holt. Expect a greater role for Unknown in the sequel.

TOM: Or better yet, destroy the sequel and expect a greater role.

> Quote: "I better not be related to YOU."
>
> ***
> Stormbringer remembers Treefall's long story. It had to do with a
> disaster and a refuge. She never liked Falconbane... he was loud and
> obnoxious,

CROW: --and noboxious?

> and constantly interrupted his chief. But Stormbringer didn't know
> what to make of that Unknown Wolfrider. The girl stayed hidden and
> aloof, and was unlike anyone she knew. Except herself.

MIKE: (deep) In every bad fanfic, there's a good fanfic just waiting to get out...

> But after that conversation, Stormbringer had made a commitment to
> Treefall. They would try to find a way to discuss each other's lives.
> For Stormbringer got a chance to look over the Holt known as
> Questhaven, and was pleased by it. However, it was not easy for
> Stormbringer to come up with a way to write down words, for the next
> event in her life would cause some sudden changes...
>
> ***
> Cutter and Skywise cautiously walked through the old troll cave.

TOM: Hey--it's Book 2! This puts everything in perspective... give me a moment here...
MIKE & CROW: Here we go again.

> It had been seven turns of the seasons, and everything could have
> changed. But the cave seemed strangely, unnaturally empty. Where was
> everyone? Something powerful must have happened here.

CROW: (booming) The wrath of rejected fanfic writers!

> The two adventuring elves smelled nothing... that is, no trolls.
> However, they managed to not notice the scents of several elves and a
> human in hiding.
>
> Foxfur's extended family, upon hearing their noises, had scrambled
> into a corner of the troll cave. But all evidence of their existence
> here had been cleaned out in seconds,

TOM: The 3 Ninjas, they're not.
MIKE: I just can't believe this... how could Cutter and Skywise completely miss them?

> thanks to a team effort. Right now, they were so densely packed that
> they would have killed to get out of this!
>
> **Mother, the human is FLATTENING me!**

(Crow snickers. A second later, Tom joins in. Mike quietly groans.)

> Foxfur replied silently to Stormbringer, **I know! Keep your Sending
> private.**
>
> Quite a few feet below them, Cutter and Skywise were *slowly*
> investigating the cave. The two of them (well, one of them, according
> to Foxfur) had matured somewhat, but both were still young and
> able to have adventures for little or no reason.

TOM: A more existential Elfquest.

> Suddenly, Dobil got a wicked idea. **Hey guys, how about we lock-
> Send on them?**
>
> **NO, Dobil! Heads down!** Foxfur was sure that they had been noticed.
>
> Skywise casually looked in their direction. He seemed more futile
> than ever, and it was if he had not seen the cluster of bodies. But
> he looked up once again - no reason, of course - and saw a pair of
> eyes. The eyes belonged to Foxfur. Then he turned and left with
> Cutter.

MIKE: Ummm...
CROW: Well, that was different...
MIKE: I think it's leading up to something, but I don't want to know just what.

> ***
> Stormbringer adds in her letter, "Only one or two days later, my
> family was on the move again. The trolls, very angry for some reason,
> forced us out of the cave. So we headed into the north. Not finding
> any humans, we set up camp where our ancient rivals once had been.
> And shortly after that, there was a brief, bizarre incident.

TOM: A crossover with Ranma 1/2.
MIKE: Funny, now that you mention it...

> The past was catching up with us..."
>
> ***
> Dobil was the first to notice that Karyk was in a panic. Over the
> last two seasons, Dobil had begun to learn the human language.
> Carefully, he asked the young man, "/What is going on? Something
> wrong?\"

CROW: At this point, the grammar just sort of breaks down.

> Karyk blurted, "/Yes! Something big-big is coming!\" He pointed to a
> shape rushing towards them from the south.
>
> Noticing the frenzy of voices, Stormbringer came near. She saw this
> object, commenting, "Huh? Is that some sort of big, ugly wolf?"

MIKE: The three little elves!
TOM: The three little humans!
CROW: The three little (mumble)...

> She had inherited Foxfur's dislike of wolves.
>
> Dobil replied, staring intensely, "That's not a wolf, cub. It has
> something on its back, and some things underneath it..."
>
> "GET OUT OF ITS WAY!" screamed Foxfur.

TOM: (Foxfur) I CAN DO A REALLY GOOD BEVERLY GARLAND IMPRESSION!

> They all stopped talking and jumped back, MIKE: --from that ledge, my friend...

> allowing more than enough space for the running thing.
>
> Calmer, the family tried to figure out what this was. An dark-skinned
> elf seemed to hanging from it by some means (or was she a small
> human?), and there was a curious basket on the side of the creature.

CROW: Identify the cameo, win a prize!
TOM: Looky here, golden boy, I *know* that's the scene with Leetah from Book 2. You don't have to ask.
MIKE: Mind the egos, gentlemen...

> "Catch big wolf?" the young Vaun asked.
>
> His mother answered, "No, but we can follow it. Right, Dobil?"
>
> Dobil chimed in, "Yes, Jieta, of course we will." That just about
> convinced everyone.
>
> --Character Profile 16: Vaun--

TOM: Who's just spoken his first line. Many more will follow, so stay tuned for the next installment of the seemingly endless "Daughters of Strongbow"!

> Gender: Male. Race: Go-Back. Age (at present): 6. Soul name: none.
> Relatives: father Dobil, mother Jieta, brother Angru, sister Toruo.
> Likes: Wolfriders. Dislikes: unknown.

MIKE: What did she do now?

> Other info: There's not much now to say about Vaun, but he will have
> a fair role in the sequel. I promise. Quote: "Hi, I'm Vaun."
>
> ***
> Stormbringer's letter ends in saying, "So that was how I got to my
> current home. After the chase, we had a most interesting encounter,
> which I will tell you about in my next letter. Send my regards to
> Falconbane. Until then, may the High One bless all of you."

CROW: Signed, Raye "Transformation Sequence" Hino.
MIKE: Man... this was a long session. We'd better get out while we can.
TOM: I'm with you all the way.
CROW: Now we get to meet Roberta's boss. Just what I wanted...

Quickly, Tom glanced at the golden 'bot. "Bad idea," he said, "You know what the power of suggestion can do?"

Crow immediately turned towards his fellow robot. Attempting to put up his arms, he asked, "Well, maybe I don't. How 'bout you tell me what your big, frightening power of suggestion can do?"

"Yeah! Yeah, I'll tell you," Tom shouted, hovering closer to Crow.

Meanwhile, Mike looked at the ensuing brawl. He told them, "Quiet, both of you. I think our Monster of the Week is calling..."

Before them, on the wide video screen, Roberta's now-familiar face appeared. Rubbing her hands together, she said, "Last time I made a little mention of my boss. Now... how would you like to *meet* her?" The amateur villain snickered.

Smirking, Mike looked right towards the screen. "Bring 'em on," he said.

Without a word, Roberta pulled a small metal chain. A blue curtain was lifted upward, and the Palace's new residents could now see what horror was behind it. In a floor-to-ceiling glass tube, filled with water, there was a female elf. She looked quite familiar, what with her long black hair, minimalist outfit, and multiple wooden spike wounds...

"Hey," Crow said, finally looking toward the screen, "They brought back Winnowill! How'd you do it?"

All too casually, Roberta shrugged. "Oh, it was nothing," she said, "I just tampered with time and space a little. I got Barry Blair to leave Warp a couple years early..."

Tom gazed at the screen quizzically. He asked the evil one, "Does that have anything to do with anything?" All the while, he attempted to scratch his dome.

"Not really," Roberta replied, "But it was my evil deed for the day. In any event... I'll start you out today with the next part of 'Extreme Weirdness.' As you probably know already, it's the sort of story that gives spam a good name."

Suddenly, Crow began cackling. "Ooh, I like Spam(TM)!" he declared.

"You're the only one around here," Tom replied.

Roberta hit the Magic Sending button at that moment. The Palace bridge was thus filled with the usual lights and sounds. Stoic as usual (so to speak), Mike said, "Oh, we got original story sign!"

> Chapter One
> Try to Keep Up with All the Characters!
>
> Norm woke up from a terrible dream.

TOM: In the stillness of your memory...

> In his dream - or was it a vision? - he was told by an unseen voice
> that the local fortress of Vinei would be destroyed by noon and that
> the entire North of Ganvaus would follow - if he didn't intervene.
> That was all.

MIKE: [mechanical voice] Please press the pound key to advance to the next message.

> But as Norm woke up in fear, his grandfather (Norm thought he was his
> father) Darryl entered their small house of brick on the shining
> plains outside Vinei. Darryl looked old, and he was. His few strands
> of white hair didn't hide his wrinkled, tired face. Darryl's clothes
> had been worn down by overusage. Norm had heard that Darryl was
> involved heavily in a couple wars against a race of weird aliens
CROW: [importantly] They wear yellow clothes with black leopard-spots, and have two horns on their heads. The babes among them can speak Japanese.

> called the Sunalans, which had aged him prematurely. Now Darryl was
> about 80, and he still took an active role in local affairs.
>
> "I have something to tell you," he mumbled to Norm.
>
> Still in bed, Norm replied, "I do too. Who should talk first?"

TOM: Someone forgot to roll for initiative.

> Darryl wittily said, "How about we flip a pith helmet?"
>
> Norm just had to ask, "What's that?"
>
> "I don't have one, but I do have this GLASS SOMBRERO!"

CROW: [bad Spanish accent] I think I need a bigger hat.

> Darryl tossed the hat of glass into the air. Unfortunately, his
> unwieldy projectile bumped the ceiling and crashed to the floor in
> pieces on the meager carpet.
>
> Norm happily said, "Hey! That piece is side up! And that one too -
> I think."
>
> "But you didn't say which side you wanted!"
>
> "Darn. Now I'll probably be stuck with cleaning it up," Norm grumbled.

TOM: If *someone* hadn't done the Stan Freberg sketch last time...

> "I'll talk first," getting back to the point, Darryl said, "The
> governor told me to go across the bay to Mt. Widare out east and
> guard a bunch of magic crystals. Speaking of magic, have I told you
> I was the one who reformed the industry? Of course, Sara should get
> some credit..."
>
> "Yes," Norm yawned to make his point.

MIKE: What? Is Norm allergic to magic?

> Grandfather was incessantly digressing on such pointless subjects as
> his long-dead wife. "But I was told in a dream to go to Vinei before
> noon and warn them or it will go KABOOM!!"

CROW: His next stop will be Tosche Station.

> "Who will destroy it?"
>
> "That's a goooood question! "And what are you to guard the crystals
> from? There's something weird going on and we don't know it!"
>
> "You go ask the governor. Maybe I'll find someone over near Widare."
> Darryl absent-mindedly walked out of the cottage and towards Widare.
>
> Norm sighed. It was almost 9:30.

MIKE: Girls will be coming to the canyon.

> There wouldn't be much more time to waste. He quickly combed his
> messy brown hair and put on some cheap pants, a heavy shirt from
> prehysterical

TOM: [looking around] Pogo?

> times, two sloppy brown boots, and left home with the sombrero still
> shattered. The walk to Vinei was short and uneventful. All Norm saw
> was just mundane fields of corn or wheat or one of those crops. But
> he missed seeing the dark clouds of impending doom come swooping
> in from the north. The birds were quiet and now flew south even
> though summer had just begun. He missed a lot in many senses, as you
> will see.
>
> It was a relatively normal day in Vinei until Norm showed up. The
> gate to the city was a huge iron contraption with a very bored guard
> wearing a hot-looking uniform.

CROW: [sarcastic] With that sort of syntax, you can make five entirely different sentences out of one!

> Norm cautiously approached the guard and announced, "This fortress
> will be destroyed before noon if I can't talk to the governor."
>
> "Sure, that's what they all say," yawned the guard.
>
> "I think I'm telling the truth... I saw it in this weird dream..."
> Norm stammered.

TOM: [whiny] You gotta believe me, man! You just gotta!

> The guard muttered "What the Huck," or something like that, stepped
> aside, and pressed a circular button on the wall, which triggered
> the sound of a door slamming. All at once, the weighty gate was
> lifted up ten feet. Norm quietly entered, and the gate slammed behind
> him. But then Norm realized something he had meant to tell the guard,
> "Shoot! I forgot to mention... Hey! I didn't forget anything!"
>
> The city of Vinei was ablaze with life. Yelling, singing, trading,
> teaching, burping,

MIKE: They're experiencing another baby boom.
CROW: Either that, or a Budweiser commercial is happening.

> running, and many other activities turned the whole scope into a
> blur. Norm wondered if this really was the end, how could this all be
> destroyed?
>
> After one or two minutes of walking through the crowded city, Norm
> approached the ordinary black wooden door to the huge, impending
> fortress with its vulgar neon hues for paint.

TOM: Man! The descriptions just keep upstaging the story, time and again!

> This door wasn't locked, and Norm trotted on in. The interior was
> nearly silent but for a few muffled voices in the distance. But from
> out of nowhere (actually, the sound system on Pabdi) came the
> obnoxious blast of "Hero" from Phil Collins.

(Tom faints.)
CROW: No! Spare us!
MIKE: When did this become an Eyrie Studios production?

> [Yes, you should catch the hint!!] It engulfed the huge, "ultra-
> acoustic" space that Norm was now dashing through - he hated this
> song! After smashing into a few very solid columns, he made a mad
> dash for the iron staircase. You see, Norm had read the script and
> knew that the governor's office was upstairs.
>
> After tackling 74 flights of stairs, anyone would be tired. So was
> Norm. He looked over the chamber for his "help," but no one was
> there!
>
> After an exasperating 37 flights of stairs,

MIKE & CROW: Huh?

> Norm was about ready to keel over. But the diminuitive office was
> right in front of him! Norm just had to reach the doorknob...
>
> "WAAAAAAAA'SUP!!!" As Norm fell to the cold floor in shock, a haggard
> old man emerged from the office. "Kick it, home boy!!!!" yelled the
> ancient governor.

CROW: [eerie] There was a ship...

> Norm lay on the floor moaning.
>
> "What the hyuck are you here for?" the governor asked Norm.
>
> The dizzy Norm slowly got up. "Well, I had this dream," he said.
>
> "I did too - then I woke up! Then BDC

(Tom gets back into his seat.)
TOM: British Department of Communications?

> called me and told me to let you in."
>
> "Who's BDC?" Norm had no idea what was going on.
>
> "That's the code name of one of our guards. And gee whiz gosh golly
> g'darn it, he's NEVER told us his name!"
>
> Norm interrupted, "Well, in this dream, Vinei fortress was destroyed,
> and someone said the entire North would follow (if I didn't tell
> you," But he wondered if this was all a mistake.
>
> "So who the heyooooook destroyed us?"

MIKE: [bitterly] Some people can actually pull off this sort of humor.

> "That's a good question!"
>
> "Let's see if I can find a good answer!"
>
> The ruffled old man flipped through molding files of people, places,
> and things. Nah, he thought, Lou Kalamazooo won't be released for
> seven years... the Yatovikan empire along with their friends the
> Wayanguans have been gone for exactly fifteen years... Cephas Stone -
> who the hiccup is that?... definitely not Widare, Raoleu,

CROW: [cheery] Try our new, improved Raoleu spaghetti sauce!

> or Aposa, I hope not Mijan, Mebruthan, or Guangua...
>
> "I don't got no single clue!" the governor exclaimed, "But to be
> safe, I'll put you and a few good guards

MIKE: The Wolfriders?
TOM: The Kids Crew?
CROW: The Fantastic Four?
MIKE: The Knights of the Dinner Table?
TOM: The Seven Seals?
CROW: The Ruin Explorers?

> outside. Warn me if anything happens."
>
> "No problem!" But Norm did have a problem - it looked like he was
> being put in a "dummy" position. Oh, well.
>
> The governor giggled as Norm plodded downstairs. Little did Norm
> know that he was being given the most pathetic guards in the entire
> country!
>
> Suddenly, three guards came in from a back door dancing in a line,
> singing, "I Dream of Cobrats."

TOM: For those of you playing along at home, if you can piece together the plot... you're doing pretty damn well!
MIKE: Uh... Tom? Just calm down.

> (The Jane Addams Choral version of "You've Got A Friend" came on,
> which is much better than the original.)
>
> "Hailoooh!" A young man of Oriental origin (which terribly mismatched
> armor and an authentic pith helmet)

CROW: Captain Spaulding does Taiwan!
MIKE: Chalk up stereotype number one...

> was practically stepping on Norm's feet. "Oah, woat doo wee haaave
> heya? I see oonlee ahn eediot!" Returning to a fairly normal voice,
> he continued, "Well, anyway my name's Yokutawei, but I'll take just
> Yo-K as long as you add medium fries."
>
> The second dancer stepped out of line

TOM: Out of line, private!

> and introduced herself to Norm. A shy girl with well-combed blond
> hair that fell over her forehead, and thus a small face (with
> glasses) said, "I'm Fawn. My name is Latin in origin and means 'small
> deer.'" (Yo-K didn't get it.)
>
> An overweight man with huge, ugly glasses

CROW: [rapidly looking left and right] Ramus?
MIKE: Third stereotype in as many paragraphs!

> waddled out of line and belched. His obscenely chartreuse armor was
> upside down and backwards and looked even more ridiculous than
> Yo-K's, and definitely unlike Fawn's beautiful, flowered, bare-
> shouldered dress. "I'm Bob. I drive a car."
>
> "That's Coruthan for you," Yo-K smarted.
>
> "Joe! ...I mean Doh!..." Coruthan muttered.
>
> A fourth figure stepped in to the room, accompanied by a burst of
> light.

TOM: [Yo-K] Spotlight hog.
MIKE: [Coruthan] Bright and shiny...
CROW: [Fawn] What a *man*...

> Once Norm could see again, a black-robed, serious male his age
> whispered from afar, "I am Dante, an official practitioner for the
> Doloquiste and a student of Daniel Lindez."
>
> "Just say 'wizard,'" Yo-K mimicked in a goofy voice.
>
> Dante slapped Yo-K so hard that the "upper teen" was twirling in
> random circles. "We should be going," he said solemnly. Incredible
> as it seemed to Norm, Dante's thin lips barely moved when he spoke.

CROW: [sarcastic] Well, *someone* needs to work harder on their dubbing process.
MIKE: The best dubbing in the world couldn't save this story.

> Of course, with his heavy black hood, Norm could barely see the
> man's face.
>
> "Sorry! The number you have just reached is busy now! Please try
> again!" With that said, Yo-K comically fainted. (Fawn picked him up.)
>
> On the way through the town, Coruthan waved and shouted completely
> random words at everyone in sight... and got hit with a few $0.99
> tomatoes as well.

TOM: Ha ha. I just love watching terrible stereotypes get inflicted with physical violence.
MIKE: [whispering] He's going quickly...

> He charged the gate. Unfortunately, it was very solid, and the 280
> lb. Coruthan blasted back five feet.
>
> "Ouch, man!! OPEN THE ^$%#) DOOR!" shouted Coruthan.

TOM: What the ^$%#$`% is with this ~@!>=_\} story?

> Dante pulled out a paddle, and Fawn a watermelon. But instead of
> whacking Coruthan with it, she threw it at the gate. "OH NO! I SPENT
> $3.50 ON THAT!!" she sarcastically screamed.
>
> The gate opened on the exact moment that Coruthan got a big
> headache. It was 11:55 a.m. when all five of them exited the city.
> ("Jump" came over the sound system.)

MIKE: I can imagine worse.
TOM: Yeah. How about "Run"?
CROW: Or "Band on the Run"?
MIKE: Exactly. Or "Run Like the Wind."
TOM: "Escape (The Pina Colada Song)"!
CROW: "Leaving Las Vegas"!
MIKE: "Nowhere to Go."
TOM: "Chariots of Fire."
CROW: "Running to Stand Still."

> But then "BDC" turned to Norm and said, "I'm going with you! This
> place will be gone in four minutes - and I should know!"
>
> "But how do you know?" responded Norm.
>
> "I'm with the Doloquiste Spy Division Multiplication, but Never
> Subtraction."

TOM: What on earth is the Doloquiste?
MIKE: I think Dante's supposed to be in it.
TOM: So... wizards now hire spies to guard castles?
CROW: Then it should read "Doloquiste Scrye Division."

> Just one second here. What the CENSORED is the Doloqoowiwiwistay?
> And why aren't you in Addition?"

MIKE: Elfquest: The Addition!

> "I'll tell you later!! Start running!"
>
> Everyone, including Yo-K, started running. After 200 feet of running,
> the entire fortress of Vinei was hit by a giant fruitcake. Nothing
> was left.
>
> A spooky voice loomed in from afar, saying "Hey, hey, hey! This
> acting is AWFUL! You people should be fired!"

TOM: Meanwhile, in a completely different story...

> "Isn't that Joe Boringo?" asked Coruthan, who also had an IQ of
> fifteen.
>
> "No, stupid!... ... ... ... (This could go on for quite a while.) ...
> ... ... ... What's my name? ... ... ... What!! It IS Joe Boringo! I
> hate that big oaf!..."
>
> "This could go on for a while," commented Fawn.
>
> "No, it won't,"

ALL: Hooray!

> responded whoever the voice was, "Because 'El Senor Author' has only
> UNTIL MAY to write this stupid story. Therefore, it will be condensed
> into three planets and only about four Big Secrets. Sorry!"
> "Do I still get my big secret?" whined BDC.
>
> "Well... most of the people out there haven't read the three books
> that precede this one.

CROW: Oh, they crush my hopes so quickly!
TOM: I can't believe anyone would want to make a series out of this.

> But it's OK."
>
> "Actually, I don't think 'El Senor Author' has either," BDC muttered.
> But then he said, "Actually, I'm a woman,

MIKE: --when splashed with COLD water. He turns back with HOT water, but only until the next time...

> in case anyone here is in Trivia 101."
>
> "So why did 'El Senor Author' put in the pronoun 'he?'" Coruthan
> asked.
>
> "To confuse Coruthan," BDC blurted, "But NO ONE will learns my true
> name until the end!"
>
> Dante pulled a kettle drum out of nowhere and gave the group a very
> loud wake up call. "Where to, boss?" he sneered at Norm.

TOM: [Dante] You small, loathsome creatures... you make me sick.

> "Well, um, let's see my father in Widare. The ex-governor sent him
> there to guard a bunch of crystals."
>
> "Good idea," said Fawn.
>
> "Well, soitenly!" chirped Yo-K.

TOM: No! Stop it... stop all the impressions...
MIKE: Just hold on a couple seconds. We're almost to the end.

> "Do I have to?" Coruthan asked, to no avail.
>
> "Got any better ideas?" hissed Dante.
>
> "Righty-O!" quoted BDC.
>
> "How ya gonna get there? Doyaknow? Doyaknow?" Joe/the producers asked.

CROW: [loudly] Joe and the Producers... *live* at Bronson Canyon!

> "We'll go... through that cave!" Norm pointed to the only land route
> to Widare.
>
> And so they skipped on over the opening, and even entered the cave.

> TOM: [gasping] It's... over!
MIKE: Let's go.

(They exit the theater.)

Though Mike was kneeling down beside Tom Servo, checking the bot's circuits, Tom replied, "That sounds like a good plan. How shall we do that?"

Looking wide-eyed at the two robots, Mike chided them, "Guys, we mustn't do anything *destructive* to accomplish such a simple task... such as toss a *glass sombrero*." He gasped, and let his mouth hang open.

Instantly, Crow gasped in the same manner. "Of course not, Mike! We wouldn't think of that, would we, Tommy boy?" he asked.

"No, heaven forbid!" Tom exclaimed, "I'd rather toss something like... oh, I don't know... that fragile, limited edition statue of Cutter?" He attempted to wink at Crow.

Crow began to shake rapidly. "C-cause destruction!" he blurted, and ran off the set.

"My, my... such naughty robots," Mike said. He looked up at the video screen. There, both villainesses were looking down toward him. "Oh, it's you again," he said.

Meanwhile, Roberta was attempting a frown. "We're not done with you yet, Nelson," she said, biting her tongue, "Hey Winnowill... send them the next part, won't you?" the reputed lamer asked.

Though Winnowill remained motionless in her chamber, the dark chamber shook slightly...

Mike looked back toward the lights over the theater doors. "Oh, we got fanfic sign!" he exclaimed.

> Letter Four: Joy at Last
>
> Stormbringer's final letter begins, "I have decided, Chief Treefall.
> I will not join your tribe. My reasons are personal, for I have been
> thinking of these last two seasons' events. As I will tell you in
> this letter, I have nothing to hide."
>
> She begins to piece together the years,

MIKE: [singing] Holding back the years...

> how they have gone by. Things have not been easy anymore. There are
> so many "new" elves among them, so many new responsibilities, so many
> choices.. would it be better to find a new tribe? Or would that bring
> even more hardship? Stormbringer begins to write out her life once
> again...
>
> ***
> Foxfur and Stormbringer had gone first into the woods.

TOM: Only to run into some princesses on the run...
CROW: A kid wandering around with a milky-white cow...

> The others were simply too pucker-headed to deal with these important
> things. Over the last two days, they had tracked the running creature
> to this northern forest. Now the two Wolfriders had entered it to
> hopefully trap the creature, while the others did "rear guard duty."

TOM: [Dobil] Lunch break!

> The scents of elves were all over these woods. Foxfur could name
> almost everyone who had been here, because she still remembered the
> years with the Wolfriders - over thirteen seasons ago. So the past
> was not far ahead. But neither Foxfur nor Stormbringer actually saw
> or heard anyone they knew. The woods were empty...
>
> "Except these talking flies," Stormbringer complained. Whatever they
> were, the "flies" had made something of a cocoon out of the forest.
> "Notice," the cub continued, "they don't make webbings

MIKE: [flat voice] Welcome to Preserver dot net. Please make a selection from the toolbar...

> around themselves."
>
> Foxfur did not hear her - she had seen something new. In fact, there
> were two somethings. Two ugly humans. Foxfur Sent to Stormbringer,
> **I think they're alone. Well, if you ask me, the humans won't be
> around for long.**
>
> Her adopted daughter was offended. **Mother! How can you stand to
> hate or kill everything?

CROW: Anyone want to guess who the humans are?
TOM: I'd say Malak and Selah. They're the only two - from this time period - who got into the Grove.
MIKE: But why would they be called ugly?

> What about Jieta? What about Dobil's cubs? What about Karyk? And me,
> too!**
>
> **Never mind, Stormbringer. In my life, there have been many things
> that have made me bitter,** Foxfur somberly Sent, **and I still have
> private grudges. You may do what you want.**
>
> Stormbringer was pleased by this. She hushedly told Foxfur,

TOM: No sending in the library!
MIKE: Knock that off, guys. It looks like this story is starting to improve.

> "Thanks a lot. I'll tell the others, and... uh... how about we live
> here until the Wolfriders come back? You know, they are our
> relatives." It was a different idea... and Stormbringer had been
> wanting recently to meet these mysterious ones.
>
> Foxfur agreed in silence. Her cub was far wiser than she was.
>
> ***
> Stormbringer remembers that for the following season, Foxfur had
> been unusually quiet and morose. What affected her "mother," she
> could only guess. But the others remained the same as they always
> had been. However, those two young humans were never seen again.

CROW: [Selah] We got our paycheck -- let's go.
TOM: [Malak] Hey baby... how 'bout we have a little fun off-camera?
CROW: The "Wrapstuff" skit, ladies and gentlemen.

> One day! Stormbringer remembers it well - one day. It had been one
> of the last warm days before the Deepcold season, just like any other
> day in these misty woods. This day was the day when the Wolfriders
> returned. For some of them, it was the longest day in thirteen turns.
>
> Stormbringer writes, "The return of my tribe brought different
> feelings for each elf. I will try to describe it, but it is not
> easy..."
>
> ***
> The Blood of Ten Chiefs, Cutter, was more than surprised

MIKE: [mock-dreamy] He's wonderful!
CROW: Um... Mike?

> to see other elves awaiting him in the Forbidden Grove. Now a
> Recognized adult with twin cubs, Cutter had seen a lot. But this,
> now? He decided to sit down with his family and try to think this
> over!
>
> Skywise knew exactly what he had to do. Upon hearing her name, he
> sought out Foxfur at once. He figured that the bond of hate must be
> broken

TOM: [singing] Seeds of hate blossom further...
CROW: [attempting to sing] When everything's made to be broken...

> at once. For when he had looked in her eyes, he had seen one who was
> bitter and lonely. But had she lovemated with this Go-Back?
>
> Strongbow looked for his youngest daughter. Essentially, they had
> never met. Did she know the truth about herself? Perhaps.

MIKE: It's possible.
CROW: Answer fuzzy. Try again later.
TOM: Outcome uncertain.

> It had taken him quite a long time to come to peace with himself.
> So, what had really happened to Stormbringer?
>
> Among the Wolfriders there was one named Leetah. She was not a true
> Wolfrider, but had become Cutter's lifemate and the tribe's healer.
> As the tribe scattered into the forest, the peaceful Leetah held her
> twin cubs (Ember and Suntop) from going to these outsiders. She had
> seen too much to be naive any more, much like Cutter.
>
> Foxfur felt exhausted. So it had all come down to this - a
> confrontation between her and Skywise.

CROW: You know, even with all this halfway-decent introspection, an action scene couldn't hurt.
MIKE: I think you're right. Let's see what happens.

> She waited for him, sitting motionless on a rock. Skywise was just
> about the last one she wanted to see right now - so why did she just
> let him come? Something was terribly wrong.
>
> Today, Dobil did not feel sociable. There were two Go-Backs among
> the Wolfrider group - named Skot and Krim - but so what, asked
> Dobil? He only wanted his Jieta, and his "cubs" Vaun and the newly
> born Angru. And no one could take them away.

TOM: [Dobil] I said, nobody can take them away! Do you hear me? Nobody!

> Karyk was the most vocal member of the big family. Though he barely
> spoke the elven language, he still tried to talk with the Wolfriders.
> Most of them didn't speak the human language, or weren't interested
> in him. Still, Karyk was impressed by the Wolfriders. They didn't
> treat him like some kind of stupid person.

MIKE: Elfquest - we treat you right!

> ***
> Strongbow had not been in a forest for over thirteen years. But this
> was far from the familiar old Holt... instead, this forest was
> filled with the nuisances known as Preservers. He brushed a group
> of them off a log and sat down. Stormbringer followed suit, trying
> to ignore the creatures' comments.
>
> The first thing that Strongbow did was study his daughter's eyes. It
> was a mark of great importance to the Wolfriders - no matter what the
> other tribes thought.

CROW: Not only that, there'll be a quiz later.

> Let them have their own lives, the archer figured, for my cub's eyes
> are like my own... her mother is not completely gone, but at least
> the curse is not so terrible that I must have a reminder in my child.
>
> Stormbringer commented, "So, what is going on here? I seem to be the
> object of much interest here." What did this adult male know?

TOM: [Petalwing] Silly adultmale highthing!

> Strongbow came back with, **What have your mother and father told
> you about... yourself? Can you tell another... such as myself?** He
> didn't dare say "father" yet.
>
> "How should I know?" the Forbidden Join-Child stated, "My mother...
> her name is Foxfur. She has been bitter and cold most of my life. And
> my father... Dobil... he has found another woman that he gets along
> better with.

CROW: Stormie's been cursed with bad grammar.

> I can not imagine that I am truly their cub... but it must be true,
> right?"
>
> It was not true at all. **No, it is not, Stormbringer,** Strongbow
> firmly Sent, **I tell you the truth: I am your father, and my name
> is Strongbow. You were born because of my own anger. I took revenge
> foolishly, and I Joined with the chief's lifemate, Joyleaf. You
> never knew her, for she fell half-dead in a battle after that, and
> died just after your birth.**
>
> Stormbringer interrupted her ...father..., "Where were you? Could
> you not even protect me?"

TOM: I hate to interrupt this scene, but... why can't Stormie *act*?

> The elder archer silently replied, **It was my own stupidity. We all
> wanted to think that Joyleaf was dead, but I found out later that it
> was not true. You see, Stormbringer, Foxfur is also my daughter. I
> looked all over for her after that battle... everyone said that she
> had died. But I found Foxfur alive, with Dobil, and keeping watch
> over Joyleaf. I consented for them to

MIKE: [silly accent] Mawwy!

> take care of you, because I knew that they were not like the other
> Wolfriders. The others would probably have scorned you, having been
> born to an un-Recognized couple. But now, we have put it all aside.**
>
> Glad to hear that, Stormbringer thought. She asked Strongbow, "Who
> is your lifemate, father? Do you have any other cubs?"

CROW: Ask Jerelyn Parker.

> Strange question... Strongbow answered, **She is called Moonshade.
> And you have a brother - older than you, younger than Foxfur. He is
> Dart, and we left him back in a place far away. He wanted to defend
> his childhood home... and I hope that he has been doing well.**
>
> "That's about all I need to hear," asided Stormbringer. She quickly
> surveyed the setting. So ordinary... her head was spinning...
>
> Strongbow actually spoke,

TOM: He must have dog blood, too.

> hurriedly asking, "What? Do you even believe me, my daughter??"
>
> She turned to him casually. "I must hear this from Foxfur as well. I
> have grown up to trust her, and I will only take this as a partial
> truth until she has told me." Stormbringer rejoined the tribe in the
> Grove, as did Strongbow.

MIKE: That scene wasn't all that bad. But why would Strongbow just walk back?
CROW: He's trying to imitate Darryl.

> ***
> Stormbringer admits in her final letter, "I talked with the elf who
> was my real father that day. He told me all I needed to know about
> my origins. But the truth did not exactly set me free. I needed to
> hear it from my adopted mother... And she would be busy for a while."
>
> ***
> A loud, obnoxious

TOM: I'm just wondering - what was with that "noboxious" line?

> voice was shouting in the forest, "Ayoooah! Come on, all you crazy
> Wolfriders! It's the contest of the season: Skywise versus Foxfur,
> and no insults barred!" Of course, this was the Wolfrider Pike, who
> had already elected himself judge of the insult contest.

MIKE: Is this how they're going to settle their differences?
CROW: I guess.
MIKE: Well, if nothing else, it's wacky...
CROW: Just give up, Nelson.

> Foxfur happened to be nearby. She was exhausted, her conversation
> with Skywise had turned into a bitter argument. He couldn't even
> remember her name, by all the High Ones. And she didn't care if he
> let his wolf devour himself. But what was it that prevented them
> from going to blows? Every time that Foxfur tried to strike out at
> Skywise, something held her back. What force was at work? It was no
> invention of elvenkind.

TOM: Think about this one, guys: Jedi Wolfriders.
MIKE & CROW: Scary...

> Skywise came by, ready for the challenge. But he did not celebrate
> his coming. No, not even if the others would let the Preservers
> throw in any comments, would Skywise allow them to humiliate Foxfur.
> For he, too, felt that something was terribly out of control. And so
> Skywise sat down next to Foxfur, a rock between them. The crowds
> would soon arrive.
>
> ***
> Within minutes, they came. There were twelve Wolfriders, including
> Stormbringer, and the six Go-Backs. They arranged themselves in a
> curiously broken circle,

CROW: Someone didn't want to let the circle be unbroken.

> so that everyone could have a view of this event. The "relatives" -
> Skywise's soul brother Cutter, and Foxfur's father, mother, and
> sister - took close seats, for they had someone to cheer on.
>
> Pike yelled in his most theatrical voice, "Round one! Foxfur, begin
> now!"
>
> She stared at her opponent, growling, "For the last thirteen turns,
> I've been wishing you dead. Dead as your mother."

TOM: [mysteriously] Did they *find* the body?
MIKE: [stoically] He's dead, Fahr.
CROW: There's a good "Yo Mama" joke waiting to get out...

> The only reaction from the shocked audience was Treestump hanging
> his head.
>
> Skywise, intimidated, said, "And I thought you were my life... um,
> I mean lovemate," rather pathetically. The audience laughed with
> him! Cutter even gave off a good howl.

MIKE: [quickly] No, Crow.
CROW: What?

> Pike interrupted, "Skywise wins round one! In round two, he gets to
> begin! Good luck, Skywise!"
>
> Uh-oh, he thought. "Well, how many Go-Backs does it take to kill a
> Sun Folk? None, really - they aren't at war."

TOM: [singing] It's just a shot away.

> No one was laughing. Dobil was terribly confused, but none of the
> Go-Backs actually got the joke. Strongbow applauded for about a
> second, but that was all.
>
> It was Foxfur's turn by default. She tried to calm herself down,
> roughly saying, "What happened to ... the one who tried to charge
> Madcoil? ... Well, he found himself ...out of credit." It was a
> spontaneous, pointless joke.

MIKE: I think the narrator's pretty much given up.

> Still, Stormbringer applauded enthusiastically, because she had
> heard stories about Marcis

CROW: Marcis... Marcis... From "Peanuts," right?
MIKE: That would be *Marcie*.
TOM: I wouldn't mind *Marius* from "Les Miserables" right about now...

> from Foxfur.
>
> Pike stated, almost bored, "Well, round two was almost a draw. Now
> for round three, and don't forget to insult each other. Foxfur, go!"
>
> Trying to strike down Skywise, Foxfur blurted, "You're so pucker-
> headed, you eat these talking bugs each day."

TOM: [Petalwing] Eep! Petalwing not tasty, bitterrough highthing!

> Surprisingly, Leetah and Cutter applauded, though few others did.
>
> Skywise responded, "Well, Foxy, your cub is the ...best hunter since
> Redmark became Redlance..." Luckily for the stargazer, many of the
> older Wolfriders howled (in good taste) at this nostalgic old story.
>
> "Sorry, but Skywise has won round three," Pike said with perk,

MIKE: --Plus, the two-in-one shampoo! For all your hair care needs.

> "And unless Foxfur pulls ahead, Skywise will take it all!"
>
> It was Skywise's turn again. He seemed out of jokes as he said, "Uh,
> em, how many Go-Backs does it take to make a Joining circle? Anyone
> know? Well, uh, it's two - that's the answer. But, I think, they
> have to be flexible..." Dobil booed, hurling several cobwebs at
> Skywise. The other Go-Backs went up in fury - the joke was a little
> old by now. Even the Wolfriders groaned in chorus.
>
> Foxfur had to top that - not hard.

CROW: Easy.
TOM: A cinch.
MIKE: Simple.
CROW: Lacking in difficulty.
TOM: Soft.
MIKE: ...

> "Skywise," she said in an overly pleasant voice, "What would you if
> we were Recognized?" The Wolfrider's mouth dropped, and everyone was
> enthusiastically clapping as she bowed to the crowd.
>
> The famous announcer declared, "It's Skywise 2, Foxfur 1. Remember,
> one more win for Skywise will do it for him! Round four - Foxfur,
> go!"
>
> She looked briefly at her audience. They would betray her at the
> drop of a twig -

TOM: C-r-a-c-k!

> so she had to pull this off. "How many elves does it take to go on
> a quest?" Foxfur only paused for a moment...
>
> Skywise shouted, "I know!" ignoring the dumbstruck Foxfur, "Only two,
> provided that they are Cutter and me!" All the Wolfriders broke out
> into hysterics. Foxfur just stood there, as her enemy was declared
> champion. Now she was truly finished...

CROW: [deeply] Excellent.

> ***
> After that, Stormbringer remembers that things calmed down. The
> Wolfriders settled down among the wispy woods. But for her and
> Foxfur, the "lost" elves, there was much reconciliation to be done.
> Even the simple Dobil required some help. For the next two years -
> up until this day - that would be done.
>
> ***
> Dobil sized up Skot and Krim.

MIKE: [profoundly] What is your quest?

> In his years of wandering, Dobil's appearance had scarcely changed.
> He was thin and mellow, and still dressed for the Deepcold. However,
> the other two looked suspiciously like Wolfriders. Dobil thought it
> strange that he had never heard of these two before.
>
> "So," challenged Dobil, "How's Guttlekraw these days? Had any live
> entertainment lately?"

CROW: He should have left Vaya alone and killed Kahvi.
TOM: Hey!

> Skot plainly responded, "He's dead, Dobil. Dead as a head on a
> stick.

MIKE: [singing] Your wisemen don't know how it feels...

> That's pretty dead, you know."
>
> "Not bad..." remarked Dobil.
>
> Krim added, "Your name is Dobil? Never heard of you. Got any
> relatives? Lovemates?"
>
> He proceeded to tell them his story in brief.

TOM: Except for that swimming episode in Part One.
CROW: That's your way of getting revenge, isn't it?

> The two Go-Backs were sort of impressed, and told him what had
> really happened to Orash...
>
> ***
> Elsewhere in the Forbidden Grove that day, Foxfur and Skywise were
> Sending. And they were not infuriated with each other. Furthermore,
> Stormbringer had been sent away. What had happened??

TOM: [overly dramatic] What's this? Our intrepid heroes...

> ***
> Stormbringer's writing pace slows. She tries in her mind to
> comprehend this... because it went against all she was brought up to
> believe. "It," however, is not the bane of her existence.
> Stormbringer is proud to have a life of her own.

MIKE: She's Virginia Woolf.
CROW: Just change it to "a life of *one's* own."

> She writes, "This was a turning point in my 'mother's' life. Her
> anger had disappeared, all of a sudden... I do not understand it,
> either. How can such a thing happen, after thirteen turns of
> bitterness? I know, and am convinced, that Someone else is at work
> here. Jhorof

TOM: Jhorof's a deity?
CROW: No, he's the elf who brought some sort of new beliefs to Stormie.
TOM: Well, at least he gets more than a crappy cameo here.

> is an educated and reasoning elf, and he has never lied. Anyway,
> here's what happened..."
>
> ***
> Skywise admitted, **You're the last one I thought that I'd meet
> here. But why did you hide yourself, Foxfur? You are the cub of
> Strongbow. He did not forget you. And we could have used you in so
> many ways...** He began to recall all the memories: the fateful
> human encounter, the desert trek,

MIKE: Scotty, beam him up!

> the long seasons among the Sun Folk, the lost humans, the whole of
> the recent quest... and all there was to Skywise's life.
>
> Foxfur was unnervingly calm. No suspicion or sarcasm could be found
> in her Sending. This was anything but ordinary. **Now the truth
> can be told,** she Sent, **because I was almost a completely
> different Wolfrider back then. Ever since our eyes met in the troll
> cave, I have become... lonely. No other word describes it. Perhaps -
> the thing I hope to not happen for so long - it has happened.
> Perhaps we have finally Recognized.**

(All sit in stunned silence.)
CROW: So *that* was what happened in the cave.
TOM: Why then? Why didn't the story have them recognize back in Part One?
MIKE: For continuity purposes, I guess.
TOM: But more likely--to spite us.

> Slightly humored, Skywise Sent back, **And maybe you were suffering
> from Recognition sickness all this time.**
>
> **Perhaps,** Foxfur pleasantly Sent, **But tell me: has any elf ever
> Recognized twice?**
>
> Skywise carefully replied, **Not that I know of... but I wouldn't
> rule it out. Many Wolfriders - and other elves - have had multiple
> mates.

MIKE: Is this relevant at all?
CROW: Skywise is trying to imitate Savah at the end of Book One... I guess...

> Why?**
>
> She responded - unnervingly calm - **I don't think that I would be
> the lifemate for you. There is so much hostility between us... I
> remember it even now. Maybe this is a lesser form of Recognition.
> Maybe there is another one for you in the future. Maybe I have
> destined myself to be a regular drow...

TOM: [panicking] NO!!
MIKE: Oh, man...
TOM: I can't take it any longer-- (Tom's head explodes in a shower of sparks.)

> hateful and bitter. And think of the cub, Skywise.**
>
> **I am, Foxfur. I don't know what this means, either, but how could
> we know? How can we see that far?

CROW: And no Amy Grant quotes!
MIKE: Tom had better recover soon. There's a few more pages left.

> Perhaps it is times, lovemate. This forest had many private places
> within it... and your cub probably wouldn't mind.**
>
> Foxfur had to confess. He must know... **Skywise, the cub, named
> Stormbringer... is not mine. She is the product of the dark days -
> the Forbidden Joining. But let us not bring this up now, OK?** But
> even now Foxfur did not know the true soul name of Skywise. She
> was willing to give hers... If only she could know if the risk was
> worth the price of self-denial.

CROW: [singing] Paying the price of love...

> **Sure, Mieje.** So THAT was Foxfur's soul name, Skywise realized.
>
> --Character Profile 17: The Reconciled Foxfur.--

TOM: W-what?
MIKE: Welcome back.

> Gender: Female. Race: Wolfrider. Age: adult. Soul name: Mieje.
> Relatives: father Strongbow, mother Moonshade, brother Dart, sister
> Stormbringer. Love/Lifemates: Skywise. Likes: Hunting, fighting,
> family, free will. Dislikes: none. Other info: Foxfur, despite her
> bitterness and love of freedom, has consented in "Reconciliation"
> to not be bitter towards Skywise. Everyone hopes that this will last.
> Quote: "What will become of us?"
>
> ***
> Stormbringer writes, "My mother and her old enemy 'Reconciled' that
> day.

CROW: To summarize... Foxfur hates Skywise. They separate. He forgets her, she goes through angst sessions. They have some sort of messed-up eyes-meet-eyes, and reunite after a brief quarrel. What sort of story is that?
MIKE: It could be worse...

> I know no better word for it, because it was a highly unusual union.
> My mother's new friend knew her soul name, but she did not know
> his. But this idea of Reconciliation is not just half-Recognition.
> Since that time, she had her new mate have not been bitter or
> argued at all. How long will it last? I would guess a lifetime -
> but I am not sure, having not yet Recognized. But what about my life?
> Many things have happened over the last two turns of the seasons,
> starting when I met a young elf called Suntop..."
>
> ***

TOM: Dramatic scene, break!
MIKE: Let's go, guys. We'll finish this one up in a few minutes.
(They exit the theater.)

His lips pouting as much as possible, Mike said, "No. I don't wanna. I want to be bitter." He violently shrugged his shoulders, and stuck his tongue out.

Hovering on the other side of Mike, Tom popped his head up and said, "That's an excellent idea, since Michael here wants to act like Foxfur. But who are we going to find to take Skywise's part?"

Instantly, Crow's eyes lit up. "A very difficult task indeed!" he exclaimed. The golden 'bot then slapped a large green button on the Palace's wall.

***

Impatiently, Roberta knocked on Winnowill's water tank. All but hollering, she asked the elf, "Hello? Hello? Are you listening? We've got evil deeds to do, esoteric tasks to accomplish!" For a second, the legendary flamer paused. "Oh," she said, much more quietly, "They are calling me."

Tom Servo's head filled Roberta's viewscreen. He said to her, "Hey Robbie! We've got something for you to do today. So if you could listen up for a moment..." The robot cackled briefly.

After a moment, Crow took the gumball-bot's place. He whispered, "We need you to take the part of Skywise. Seems that Michael Nelson here is all bitter and poopy today. So, if you wouldn't mind *punishing* him with clever, if slightly ineffective, insults..."

Roberta sighed lightly. She replied, "I suppose I could. As long as I can get in my usual pointed jabs."

***

Back at the Palace's bridge, a pedestal had suddenly appeared under Tom. The bot was standing on it, and had a megaphone floating close to his mouth. Enthusiastically, he shouted, "Thus begins the Harsh, Biting Insult Contest of April 1999! Our first competitor is Michael Nelson, a former mechanic, but now a bitter, easily discouraged man. In round one, he will begin." Tom attempted a bow.

Facing up to the viewscreen, Mike told Roberta, "Your fashion sense makes Curious George look good!" He then sneered.

As they watched, Roberta scowled at this remark. "Prior to my comment," she said, "I'd like to mention that, though I may be *just* the egocentric queen of Usenet, I have fairly good fashion sense. For all you who don't know, I'm wearing a bright green blouse, purple- dyed jeans, loafers, and a bright red ribbon in my hair."

"Very well then," Tom said loudly, "Our second competitor is Roberta something-or-other, and I think she's sufficiently introduced herself. Now - it's your turn, Bobbie!"

"Ahem," Roberta began, suddenly speaking again in a pompous voice, "I rather think your riffing ability is below par, considering your extreme inhibition, especially in regards to your lack of perverted humor." She smiled broadly.

Tom looked around the bridge. No one had laughed on either end. He quietly said, "I think it's a tie."
At this, Roberta snarled. "Oh?" she said, "You don't like my jokes? Well then, I think it's time for you to enter that theater! If you'll do the honors, Winnowill..." Looking towards the trapped elf, the bad-gal took a step back.

Meanwhile, Mike and the bots looked at each other. Mike said to them, "I think she's more sensitive than we thought... Oh, we got fanfic sign!" At this, he ushered them towards the Palace theater.

> He had only been in this forest for two or maybe three days, and
> that was half a season ago.

TOM: Huh? Translate it into English for us, OK?

> It was a strange, ethereal place, with all the Preservers and their
> trappings. But Suntop had never expected any of this two seasons
> ago. That was before the four humans showed up... and since that day
> everything had been wrong.

CROW: He's a Moby fan!

> But the quest had been successful thus far, and Suntop was pleased
> by how well his "feeling" had improved.
>
> The second day back in the Forbidden Grove, Suntop came across
> Stormbringer. He couldn't tell much about her -

MIKE: Obviously, Suntop didn't read her character profile.

> she was rich in wolf blood, but did not show it. The female cub was
> older that himself by six seasons, but that really wasn't much.
> Suntop, seeing Stormbringer alone in a tree that day, asked, "May I
> come up there, too?"
>
> Stormbringer didn't know what to make of him either. "Go ahead, but
> don't step on the talking bugs. They get a bit trollish if you do."

TOM: [Petalwing] Petalwing not dig-dig, highthing!

> Suntop told her, "They're called Preservers. A really bad elf told
> me that name. Anyway, how did you get all the way up?"
>
> Somehow, Stormbringer was intrigued by the idea of a "bad elf." She
> said to him, "You can call me Stormbringer. And don't laugh, or you
> won't even touch this tree." Why was she sensitive about her name?
> Foxfur had taught that to Stormbringer years ago.

MIKE: You've got to be carefully taught!

> "I'm not laughing. And my name is Suntop. Now can you help me?"
> Suntop knew certain rules of behavior that one should always follow,
> one being never do anything one is specifically told not to do.
>
> Stormbringer mused, "Hmmmm, how can I help? I can just jump down, or
> I can tell you... Sunboy (right?) how to climb, or I can throw
> something down to help you with, or I could just leave you there and
> get my family on you.

CROW: She's doing her young Princess Eilonwy impression.
TOM: Huh?
MIKE: I'd say early Chief Olbar.

> Which one do you want?"
>
> "I have no idea," Suntop replied, "Just help me, Stormbringer."
>
> He isn't the type to push stuff on others, Stormbringer realized.
> But that wasn't bad, as long as she could push something on him.
> Smiling to herself, she pulled off her tunic (something she NEVER
> did in public) and dangled it down in front of Suntop.

ALL: [eery] Does this bother you? I'm not touching you...

> Suntop seemed to be baffled. "That's not a good idea at all..." He
> meticulously made an effort to test the strength of the cloth.
>
> Stormbringer pulled her tunic right from his hands

CROW: --and snagged it on a tree.
MIKE: Guys, this isn't "Walkabout."

> and smacked Suntop in the face with it. Then she pulled it back to
> her level and redressed in a second.
> Stormbringer told him, "I know that wasn't all that nice. But that's
> how I am. You should know, Sunboy... Stuntboy... whatever... that
> I'm no ordinary Wolfrider. I am Stormbringer, the un-Recognized cub
> of Strongbow and Joyleaf, and the product of Foxfur and Dobil's efforts.
TOM: Ahem.

> That is all I am, and you must know it."
>
> Suntop was disillusioned, but seemed relaxed now. "I'm SunTOP, and
> I'm the cub of Cutter and Leetah. Now can you come down?"
>
> "You're learning," Stormbringer replied as she descended.
>
> ***
> Two years came and went, and all was well for once.

CROW: But there was no joy in Holtville.

> Though the ranks of the Wolfriders had decreased to some extent,
> they had replenished, and continued to do just that. The happy
> couple of Dobil and Jieta produced yet another cub,

TOM: [monotone Dobil] We are fertile. I am pleased.

> named Toruo, a girl. A Wolfrider pair (Scouter and Dewshine) gave
> birth to the cub Windkin. But Skywise and Foxfur did not have a cub.
> It did not even come into Foxfur's womb. This may be an aspect of
> their "Reconciliation." Skywise and Foxfur may be destined to merely
> get along with each other.
>
> Meanwhile, Karyk was starting to become uneasy. There were almost
> more elves here than in his own tribe, and he never liked big
> groups. Karyk tended to stick around his past friends. That was his
> life.

ALL: Next!

> As for Dobil's son, Vaun, he began to grow up. His first years had
> been slow, but now the child was gaining in wisdomm and stature.
> Vaun, strangely enough, acted more like a Wolfrider than a Go-Back.
>
> ***
> Far away, a certain exile of the Sun Folk was suffering in the desert.

TOM: [Jhorof] Forty days! Who do they think I am?

> His name is Jhorof, and he has his own tale. But Jhorof would not
> have to be there for long. He would receive a revelation from a
> source unseen, and it would inevitably change the world. All he had
> to do was to tell others about it.
>
> In the two years when the Wolfriders were in the Forbidden Grove,
> Jhorof came to them. Being a pitiful, low-profile exile, most ignored
> him. But the Sun Folk eventually discovered Stormbringer.

MIKE: [Jhorof] You'll go far in Hollywood!

> They had many discussions, and though their perspectives on life
> differed much, Jhorof lead her to a "new form of the Way." It was a
> perspective of peace and joy, which not even Jhorof himself knew
> much about. But the power of this new fair was great, for
> Stormbringer changed her entire life philosophy on it. Something
> powerful would eventually come of this.
>
> --Character Profile 18: Jhorof--
> Gender: Male. Race: Sun Folk. Age: adult. Soul name: none. Relatives:
> none of note. Love/Lifemate: none. Likes: Peace, order. Dislikes:
> fighting, disorder. Other info: Jhorof develops a strong relationship
> with Stormbringer over six months. This will become more important
> in the sequel. Quote: "This has convicted me..."

CROW: That's the way I like him... behind bars!

> ***
> The sisters were together once again: Foxfur and Stormbringer. They
> seemed remarkably similar that day. The elder one no longer looked
> like she had nearly fifteen years ago.

MIKE: Think about this one, guys: an elf who *looks* old.
ALL: Nah!

> Foxfur stood on the ledge overlooking the small valley before them,
> silent as the wind. Her sister by a different mother stood before
> her, also quite quiet. Stormbringer was a young elf female,
TOM: [singing] Young elf, get out of my mind!

> despite all else. She had grown in these eleven elven years in more
> ways than one.
>
> Foxfur snapped the twig in her hand into two pieces. She thought
> out loud, "What will become of us?" It was a deep and unexpected
> question, and she honestly had no idea what the answer was.
>
> Stormbringer picked up one of the pieces. Then, slowly, she retrieved
> the other. With her expression clear and without any faults,
> Stormbringer replied, "Foxfur,

CROW: Bite me.

> I can't tell you. No one can. And I have seen a lot of others: Dobil,
> Jieta, their cubs, Karyk, Treefall, Falconbane, Unknown, Cutter, his
> family, Skywise, Strongbow, the other Wolfriders, Jhorof..." At the
> end of the sentence, Stormbringer put the two halves together,

TOM: [breathy] The symbolism! The acting! The PLOT!

> saying, "No one person can have all the answers. Not even me - of
> course! But, Foxfur, I have picked up much, threw away that which
> was wrong, and by the power of Jhorof's god, I have come to the
> point where I can say that..."
>
> At once the area was filled with the Forbidden Grove's residents.

MIKE: Wow... I see Genma, Nabiki, Soun, Kasumi...
TOM: [singing] Oh, the people in your neighborhood!

> And all eyes were on Stormbringer. She had to finish the sentence...
> now. And so, Stormbringer did: "I am wrong," she said, throwing away
> the broken twig, "And that's all I have to say."
>
> ***
> Stormbringer's letter concludes, "Perhaps I will not see you very
> soon, Treefall. I have found that there is a hope outside of
> myself... in short, I could stand these friends of mine for a little
> longer. I may well write another letter. If I do, please be sure to
> thank my messengers - Dobil and family. Water and sweet shade.

CROW: [meek Stormie] I'm not much of a Wolfrider, huh?
ALL: Heh heh heh...

> Signed, Stormbringer."
>
> --
>
> Conclusion
>
> As the author, I'd like to know what you, the reader, think.

MIKE: Sorry. All our synapses just gave up.

> Does this story, "The Daughters of Strongbow," practically destroy
> the foundations of ElfQuest? Yes - obviously! If you missed that
> point, then you probably didn't like this concept of mine.
>
> Aside from that, I realize that "The Daughters of Strongbow" is
> probably the weirdest EQ-related thing you'll ever read...

TOM: Well, *someone* missed "Shadow Dawn."
MIKE: Hey! I liked that!
TOM: So did I. What's your point?

> including most of the parodies. There's no doubt that either I had
> no clue what I was doing, or I had every idea what I was doing. But
> in reality, it's somewhere in the middle. Parts of "DoS"

CROW: Oh, it's EQ-DOS.
TOM: Better than Daughters 95.

> were written spontaneously, and never edited. Other parts were
> labored over numerous times. Perhaps you, the reader, can tell the
> difference - or maybe not.
>
> Well, tell me what you think. Send your thoughts via U.S. Mail.. if
> it's operational... to the address below. Or call me at the phone
> number below,

MIKE: I've got a bad feeling that those parts were edited out.

> but remember that my area code will change in a matter of months.
> Better yet, just keep your evil thoughts to yourself. I don't like
> hate mail.
>
> Wondering about the sequel? The work is already beginning, and
> several concepts have begun.

CROW: Fortunately, that was 1996.

> Its probable title will be "The Epic of Stormbringer (The Elf Who
> Never Really Existed)." However, I can say that I will first read
> ElfQuest Books 5-8, and possibly the following ones.

TOM: Well, except for "Bedtime Stories."
MIKE & CROW: Hey!

> Then I will be able to provide intelligent commentary on that
> material - and, of course, parody it. What fun is ElfQuest without
> a little inside humor?

MIKE: It's like a day without sunshine.
TOM: [confidentially] But it's still painful.

> Alan Riggs Thanks:
> My family: Mom, Nancy, and even Dad
> Nancy's crazy ideas and knowledge of weird trivia
> My "soul brother," Sean "Black Falcon" Thomas
> The kids and teachers of Wheaton Academy (Christian High School)
> All the writers of ElfQuest,

TOM: Except for--
MIKE: Not now!

> including the fan clubs
> All those who read this crazy story
> Oswald Chambers and James Reimann
> Apple Macintosh Computers

CROW: [quickly] No comment.

> Helen M. Plum Memorial Library, and Borders Books
> Most of all: My Lord and Savior Jesus Christ
>
> "SHADE AND SWEET WATER...!" -Shenshen, ElfQuest Book One

MIKE: It's over. Let's get out of here...

(They exit the theater.)

Casually, Mike replied, "That's a good idea. I think 'Daughters' left quite a few opportunities for others - such as us - to capitalize on it." He breathed in deeply, and continued, "For starters, we know what happens after Book 4. And even though this story kept making changes to the real thing, we might be able to get it on the right track."

Tom, standing nearby, said to them, "Exactly. Let's start by having *Stormie* meet Aroree when she drops by the new holt. She can attempt to charm everyone's favorite Glider with her strange ways. And after she unwittingly gives away the Wolfriders' position..."

Excitedly, Crow jumped right back into the conversation, saying, "Scouter will throw her ugly, flat, hateful body against a tree!" He winked at Tom.

In a more serious voice, Mike told them, "Guys, we don't want to make this a snuff fanfic, do we? While I don't care for all the new characters, there's got to be another way to deal with them."

"Oh, I suppose you're right," Tom said, looking beat, "Though I certainly wouldn't mind having Jhorof *accidentally* fall to his death... or be impaled by invading humans... or be the one attacked by Kureel..." He started spinning slowly.

Meanwhile, Crow looked at his counterpart. He said, "Actually, one character we know almost nothing about is Karyk. The kid started with some no-name human tribe in between the Go-Backs and the old holt. Wouldn't it be funny if he was from Adar or Nonna's tribes?"

After briefly thinking about it, Mike replied, "Yeah. But Karyk's tribe worsh