Mortal Kombat/TMNT Crossover

[Theme Song.]

[Open on Deep 13. Forrester is holding a checklist, and every time
he recites an item, he checks it off with an oversized magic marker.]
FORRESTER: Sonic the Hedgehog. Check.
Rescue Rangers. Check.
Star Trek--*all* varieties: Check, and, double, triple, and quadruple check.
[Enter Pearl.]
PEARL: What exactly are you doing now?
FORRESTER: Well, I've decided to make a list of all the television shows
and fandom aspects I've completely *ruined* for Mike Nelson and his
insipid little robot friends. [Shows her the list.] What do you think?
PEARL: Hmmm...good, good, but needs a little boost. What
else can we wreck for them?
FORRESTER: Let me think... We need a crossover--that's what
we need. The more we can ruin at once, the better!
PEARL: You don't say? I was saving up something like this
for *just* such an occasion. A little Web Page I like to call
"The Turtles' Lair."
FORRESTER: No. Not the...
PEARL: *Yes!* [Hits the button.] Hey! Look alive up there!

[Satellite of Love. Only Tom Servo is currently on-screen.]

TOM: Oh, hi, Madame Evil, what's up?

[Deep 13.]

PEARL: You? Where are the *rest* of you? Where's Nelson?

[Satellite of Love.]

TOM: Oh--they're playing water polo.

[Deep 13.]

PEARL: *Water* polo?

[SoL.]

TOM: Seemed like a good idea at the time.
[A crash from the background.]
TOM: Anyway...?

[Deep 13.]

PEARL: Get them! I can't gloat to just one measly robot!

[SoL.]

TOM: Fine. I can tell when I'm not wanted. Guys?
[Mike and Crow suddenly appear. Mike is wearing his usual jumpsuit,
but is soaking wet, and both are wearing stupid water polo hats.]
CROW: Aw...time for the experiment already?

[Deep 13.]

FORRESTER: Yes. It's Time for the Experiment. Mother?
PEARL: My offering for you today is purely *vile*--a
piece of literature based on nothing other than the
Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles!

[SoL.]

[Mike and Crow shudder.]
TOM: Hey...I kinda like the Ninja Turtles!
[Mike and Crow glare at him.]
TOM: Well, I do! I mean, back in the day, that was a pretty
darn good cartoon! Wouldn't you say?
CROW: [Rolls his eyes] Oh, maybe once or twice...

[Deep 13.]

PEARL: Think what you like now, but after we're through with
*you,* you'll never be able to hear the word "Turtle" again
without breaking into a cold sweat. Not to mention the
fact that you're dealing with a crossover...

[SoL.]

ALL: [groan]

[Deep 13.]

PEARL: ...a crossover of such immensely *wrong* proportions...
A crossover with Mortal Kombat!! I'd tell you more, but I wouldn't
want to spoil the surprise...

[SoL.]

MIKE: [removing his hat] Well, can you at least give us the chance to
towel off first?

[Deep 13.]

FORRESTER: Hardly.
PEARL: Enjoy today's offering, boys. We'll be around to pick
up the leftovers! Ha ha ha!
[Hits the button.]

[SoL, where chaos is ensuing.]

MIKE: We've got Fan-fic sign!!!

[6...5...4...3...2...*]

[Bots and Mike file into the theatre.]

> Mortal Kombat/TMNT Crossover

CROW: Well, they weren't kidding.
MIKE: I hate trying to riff when I'm all wet.

> By: TurtleNinja

CROW: Turtle...Ninja?
TOM: That wouldn't just be the phrase "Ninja Turtle" in reverse, now, would it?
MIKE: No, actually it's so much more subtle than that...

> Late afternoon, New York City. Summer had just begun and the Turtles are
> in their summer home, arguing over what toppings were to go on that
> evening's pizzas.

TOM: Time, check. Place, check. Season, check.
CROW: Okay, boys, looks like we're go on the fan-fic!
MIKE: [puzzled] Since when do the Turtles have a "summer home"?

> Their sensei, Splinter, walked into the room as
> Michaelangelo, the youngest said;
> "Bogus combination, dude! Everyone knows that you don't put pepperoni
> with pineapple. Yuk!"

MIKE: Hey--I put pepperoni with pineapple!

CROW: I prefer RAM chip and motor oil myself.

> "Have you ever tried it, Mikey? I have and it isn't that bad."
> Leonardo, who was the oldest, said.

MIKE: So, TurtleNinja here has basically just allowed us a glimpse at the
*actual* ages of at least two out of four turtles!
TOM: Question: does it matter?

> "As a matter of fact..."
> A loud siren filled the room.

TOM: Protected by Viper! Please step away from the fan-fic.

> The Turtles and Sensei covered their ears
> before running into Donatello's lab. Donnie quickly found the source of
> the noise and shut it off. He got a printout and read it quickly.

CROW: [Donatello] Hmm... Hot, hot, hot... get your free password here...
Oh, sorry, guys, false alarm; just some Spam.

> "Guys, this is really bad news. It looks like Shredder's got the
> Technodrome moving again and their heading for...the same nuclear power
> plant that they tried to hit last week! I can't believe that they're so
> stupid as to try it again." he said.

MIKE: Ha ha! Those country yokels! They're being at least as uncreative
as the author!
TOM: Established so far: Due to the presence of the war machine called the
Technodrome, we are dealing with the fun-loving cartoon version of the Ninja
Turtles, as opposed to the more bloody and serious Mirage comic version, or
the somewhere-in-the-middle movie version.
CROW: Fan-boy!!

> "We've got to stop them!" Leo cried.
> They began to run from the lair, but Splinter stopped them.
> "No, my sons! I sense that there is more than meets the eye here.
> Right now, I am sensing something very strange...a danger that is not from
> this world. I think that we'll need the help of our friend, TurtleNinja."

MIKE: Of *who*?
TOM: Obviously, we seem to be dealing with an author who makes *no*
attempt whatsoever to hide the self-insertion in his/her own story.
CROW: I'm scared...

> He pulled a TurtleCom from his kimono and pressed a button...
>
> * * *

CROW: Thereby causing many little asterisk-like lights to flash.
Aren't they pretty?

> Meanwhile, I was at April's apartment when my TurtleCom beeped.

TOM: Hold on. Since when is this story in first person?
MIKE: Since now, I guess.

> Startled,
> I looked around the room for a second before realizing what it was. I
> pulled it from my belt and answered it.

MIKE: "Oh, the *Turtlecom!* I thought it was my Motorola pager."

> "TurtleNinja, we need your help. Do you remember that power plant that
> we caught Shredder at last week? We need to have you meet us there now.
> Shredder's at it again." Splinter said.
> "Same place as last week?

CROW: That's same Turtle time, same Turtle channel!

> Sure. I'm on my way." I said.
> Slipping the TurtleCom back into my belt, I wrote a note to April,
> informing her of where I had gone,

MIKE: Does April *know* you're in her apartment when she's not
even around?

> before running off to join the
> Turtles.

TOM: So...so far, have we established anything at all about this
TurtleNinja person?
CROW: He/she isn't a very good fan-fic writer?
TOM: No, the character, not the author! We aren't even sure who it is,
what it looks like, whether it's male or female... or anything!
MIKE: Quiet, guys, maybe they'll explain it in the next scene.

> * * *
>
> Meanwhile, in Outworld,

ALL: Huh?
CROW: Sure, *that's* a natural transition.
MIKE: So much for the explanation.

> Jade is busy spying on her emperor, Shao Kahn.

CROW: Oh, and in case the sudden setting-switch didn't bother you,
here's a tense switch, too.

> Kahn was looking into a crystal ball of sorts,

TOM: As opposed to a crystal ball out-of-sorts, which wasn't nearly as
cooperative.

> looking at a place somewhere
> in the realm of Earth. Six beings were pictured on the ball...five Turtles
> and a rat.

MIKE: [visibly counts on his fingers] I thought you said this was the
cartoon.
TOM: It is! TurtleNinja switched to Next Mutation on me!
CROW: *TurtleNinja* is the fifth turtle!
TOM: Ladies and gentlemen, we have species!

> He was very interested in those beings and a devious plan was
> forming in his head. Jade watched carefully, hoping to find out why her
> emperor was so interested in those Earth beings.

TOM: Wait a minute... *Actually,* Crow, *Zack* is "The Fifth Turtle."
CROW: Fan-boy. Baited you with that one.

> Finally, he spoke.
> "Intelligent reptiles? Hmm....they may be useful as my entertainment in
> the next tournament."

MIKE: [Shao Kahn] I mean, it isn't as if there isn't *already* intelligent
reptiles in Outworld, or anything...

> Jade gasped silently to herself as she realized what her emperor was
> planning to do. Although she had served him faithfully for many years,

MIKE: [to Crow] No.

> she had seen the misuse of the tournaments and knew that she would have to
> stop him this time. If she didn't, the emperor would lose the keys to

TOM: --his new car!
ALL: [cheering sounds]

> the
> realm of Earth for all time. But she was unable to leave Outworld, for she
> was never told of how to do it. And that was not a problem for her. She
> knew someone who could easily get to Earth and had done so many times. She
> would tell her childhood friend, Princess Kitana. Kitana was in her royal
> chambers, meditating,

MIKE: So, Kitana's basically a female version of Master Splinter, here?
CROW: Only with less clothes.

> when Jade burst in, nearly hysterical. Kitana
> immediately came out of her trance when she heard her friend's troubled
> voice.

TOM: So Jade talked to the Emporer, had this incredible plan, and came
to talk to Kitana, all without changing paragraphs!
MIKE: She's a quick thinker.
CROW: I thought Jade was trying to *kill* Kitana.

> "Jade, what is it? What's wrong?" she asked.
> "It's the Emperor. He has seen some reptilian beings on Earth and is
> planning to use them in the next tournament." Jade replied.

CROW: [falsetto] And this is my problem because...?

> "But why should we be worried about them? Perhaps they are part of
> Reptile's race and that they are residing on Earth."
> "No, Kitana, they are not part of Reptile's race. They are special
> beings that are rumored on Earth to be real, yet only a select few know
> that they truly exist.

MIKE: Like...everyone that grew up in the Eighties?
CROW: I just had a disturbing thought, Mike. What if that was a fourth-wall
remark?
MIKE: Then, we would be doomed.

> Everyone else thinks that they are just rumors.
> We must keep them safe, Princess."
> "You seem so certain of this. Very well. I shall go to the Earth realm
> and inform them of the danger they're in."
> Kitana got up and headed for the portal room, not knowing that she was too late.

TOM: She had, sadly, already missed "Friends."

>
> * * *

MIKE: You know, Outworldian constellations just aren't as *interesting* as
Earth constellations.

> I finally arrived at Seventh Street

CROW: [singing] Can ya tell me how you get, how you get to Seventh Street?
TOM: Wait a minute, who's "I" again?
MIKE: The author.
TOM: Oh, sorry. Forgot.

> and found that the Turtles had already
> arrived. I hurried up to them and Leo said;
> "It's pretty quiet here and it's not like Shredder to be late."
> "Shredder's never late. We're early." I replied.

CROW: Yes, it is the tradition of the Ninja Turtles to discover their foes
are already striking a place, then magically arrive *at* that same place
before the foes even get there.

> Suddenly, a rumbling shook the ground. I looked at them as if to say; "I
> told you so." before we hurried into the building. We were right about
> Shredder and his mutants, but not about the danger Splinter had warned us
> about. We were just facing off against Shredder when a flash of light took
> us.

TOM: Flashes? Oh, no! Don't tell me he/she got the Polarisoids involved
in this!
CROW: [mutter] Fan-boy.
MIKE: Okay, that's enough, you two.
TOM: It's not my fault I'm programmed with so much useless trivia.

> I closed my eyes and when I opened them, I found that we were in a
> strange place and that there were humans here with us. I took the hand of
> the nearest Turtle, which happened to be Michaelangelo.

MIKE: [Michaelangelo] Hey, dude! Put that back on my arm!

> Shredder and his
> mutants moved away from where they were standing and got into a group with
> us.

CROW: Aw, well, wooks wike everything's just nice and cozy, isn't it?

> A moment later, three humans stepped from the shadows to greet us.
> Two men and a woman. The woman introduced herself and her two companions.
> Michaelangelo released my hand and said;
> "Johnny Cage? I *love* your movies!"

TOM: What's with splitting the paragraph with a *semicolon*
before adding a line of dialogue? I'm sure I didn't read *that* in
the MLA Handbook.

> I elbowed him. We all loved Cage's movies, but we never would have said
> anything like Mikey just did. I mean, we never would have been so hyper.
> Cage just looked at Mikey before shrugging indifferently. The other guy,
> the one named Liu Kang, asked us;
> "Are you here for the tournament?"

TOM: Again! They did it again!

> We were all speechless for a moment before Shredder said;
> "What tounament? We weren't told of any tournament, we were just
> kidnapped and brought here."

TOM: [starts to shake and steam]
MIKE: Now, take it easy, take it easy...

> Kang and Sonya looked at each other before a flash of blue light hit the
> ground in front of us and then formed itself into a man. Donatello gasped
> and I grabbed Michaelangelo's hand again. He squeezed it as the being
> before us spoke.

CROW: *Squeezed* it?
MIKE: I'm guessing just maybe the author is a girl.
CROW: Better be.

> "Welcome. I am Rayden and you have been brought here to defend Earth in
> a tournament called Mortal Kombat. This is Outworld and the tournament has
> been used for centuries to defend Earth from Outworld invasion."

TOM: [Rayden] I have a bad haircut and I appeared here just now. I can only
speak in run-on sentences and each thought must be totally unrelated to the
previous one.

> I released Mikey's hand and we turned to see two women hurrying up to us,
> one dressed in blue, and the other dressed in green. Kang introduced the
> one in blue as Kitana and the one in green as Jade.

MIKE: [Kang] If you get them mixed up, remember; they will
always be wearing these exact same outfits.
CROW: Well, at least this isn't the kind of story where more attention
is paid to the clothing than the plot.
TOM: The Ninja Turtles don't *wear* any clothes.

> Kitana walked up to
> us, bowed respectfully to Rayden, and told us to follow her and Jade. We
> followed them to a strange building, where we were told our quarters were.
> Sonya walked up to me and said;
> "TurtleNinja, you seem a bit tense. Are you okay?"

TOM: [another puff of steam]
MIKE: [pats Tom on the head reassuringly]

> "I'm fine, Sonya. It's just that I don't like this situation. It's
> too....ominous."

TOM: You have no idea.
CROW: *You're* not the one reading this fan-fic.

> "Tell me about it. The first time I was brought here to fight in the
> tournament, I didn't think that I'd ever return home. But after Kang
> defeated the Emperor's chief sorcerer, I knew that we would be able to go
> home. And now, Rayden has called us back because Shao Kahn is planning a
> new tournament."

TOM: [falsetto] You know, since that first one was just...so much fun!

> We walked the rest of the way to our quarters in silence. We bunked
> together in twos. I bunked with Sonya,

TOM: Okay, it's settled. The author's a girl.
CROW: Unless he's just a *really* fast mover..
MIKE: Crow...

> Donnie with Leo, Raph with Mikey,
> Bebop with Rocksteady,

MIKE: Well, I would suppose that would be appropriate...

> and Splinter with Shredder.

MIKE: Say what?

> Sonya showed me around
> and told me what each place was. A voice behind us spoke loudly;
> "Get back to your quarters, mortals!"

TOM: It's that thing again!
CROW: Well, the paragraph has to stop *somewhere.*

> Sonya and I turned around to face a hulking figure. I heard Sonya's gasp
> of surprise, but I was unafraid. In fact, I was a bit angered by the
> interruption.

TOM: [falsetto] Hey! We were having girlie talk!
CROW: [falsetto] So...which one? Bebop, or Rocksteady?
BOTS: [girlish twitters]

> "Who are you? And what do you want with us?" I asked.
> He laughed evilly for a second before answering.
> "I am Shao Kahn,

ALL: *Kaaaaaaaahhhhnnnnn!!!*

> emperor of Outworld. And soon, all your souls will be
> mine!"
> He laughed evilly again before retreating into the shadows. I looked over
> at a gaping Sonya and said;
> "What was that all about?"

TOM: [shakes again]
MIKE: Let it go...

> "When one is killed while fighting in the tournaments, Kahn

ALL: *Kaaaaaaaaahhhnnnnn!!!*
MIKE: Okay, that's enough; now let's not do that again.
BOTS: Okay.

> takes their
> soul. Rayden can explain better than I can."
> "I know what you're saying. Splinter explained it to me once, a long
> time ago. But I remember it well, for it scared me out of my shell.
> Sonya, what Kahn is doing....Splinter would describe it as souldeath. Kahn
> traps souls and prevents them from continuing to the next realm.

CROW: So, TurtleNinja's been in Mortal Kombat a total of two hours,
and she's already picked up all the forced dialogue?

> Sonya,
> we've got to tell Splinter and the others!"
> Sonya quicky followed me back to the quarters, where I got everyone
> together in Splinter and Shredder's room. Sonya explained to them what she
> had told me and I saw the fear in Splinter and Shredder's eyes.
> "Souldeath. That is how Kahn enslaves souls. By keeping them trapped
> and preventing them from going on to the next realm." Splinter said.

TOM: [TurtleNinja] That's...what I just said...

> I swallowed hard, feeling a chill course through my body. Leonardo slipped
> his arms around me and pulled me close.

ALL: Girl! Girl!
CROW: Please, oh, please, be a girl...

> After a few moments of silence,
> Rayden appeared again.
> "Listen. Tomorrow the tournament begins. Kahn has chosen his most
> deadly warriors for you to fight. Each of them can be defeated, you just
> need to find their fatal weakness."
> With that, he disappeared. Very enigmatic, yet I kept his words in mind.
> I followed Sonya back to our room and we went to sleep.

MIKE: Sleep. That's good. Better sleep.

> At one point, I
> heard Michaelangelo go for a snack, but then fell asleep.

MIKE: Oh. Well, that's not bad, you can probably still sleep.

> At about three
> in the morning, I awoke and found that I was too nervous to go back to
> sleep.

MIKE: Never mind.
CROW: This new girl's apparently the "career insomniac" Ninja Turtle.

> I got up and headed out the door. I headed for a balcony and found
> Leonardo there, gazing up at the moon and stars.
> "Looking for some company, Leo?" I asked.

TOM: No.
CROW: Go away.

> He turned around and faced me, his eyes full of surprise. He smiled as I
> walked up to hm and said;
> "Sure. I couldn't sleep and decided to stand out here for awhile."

TOM: I'm probably going to be okay with this. I just have to accept it,
that's all. Separate the paragraphs, fine. Do your worst!

> "The anxiety of tomorrow's battle getting to you, too?"
> "Yeah. Tomorrow might be the last day that I'm alive and I'm not really
> looking forward to it. The same goes for you. For all of us. We might
> live, we might die. I just hope that we live and don't have to suffer
> souldeath. The world needs us."

TOM: [Leonardo] To, you know, protect it from, like, Shredder, even though
he seems to be a kind of nice and mellow guy in this fan-fic.
MIKE: Suddenly, there is a scream as Master Splinter is found murdered in
his own bunk.
CROW: [Shredder] The insolent fool...

> "Leo, don't. We all know what might happen to us tomorrow. As hard as
> it seems, try not to think about it. Enjoy what we have."
> Leo looked up at me and pulled me close. He released me, took my hands,
> and gazed into my eyes. The moonlight shown down around us and I knew that
> he was afraid for all of us, just as I was. He leaned forward and kissed
> me on the lips.

ALL: Gah!!
CROW: Girl! Girl! Definitely a girl!
MIKE: They don't even *have* lips! They have...beaks!

> I pulled him close, feeling the same love as he was.
> Finally, he pulled away, still gazing into my eyes.
> "I love you, TN." he said.
> "I love you, too."

TOM: Okay! Love has been established! Thank you!

> "We'd better get back to our rooms. We need to rest up for tomorrow's
> battle."
> We shared another kiss before heading back to our separate rooms. I fell
> asleep with the memory of his lips on mine and the anxiety of the next day.

MIKE: Was anyone else really disturbed by that?
BOTS: *Yes!*

> * * *
>

TOM: [singing] When the asterisks hit your eye like a big pizza pie,
that's bad fan-fic!

> Early the next morning, I awoke and found that Sonya was still asleep. I
> got up and stepped outside, finding that Leonardo was meditating on the
> balcony with Splinter and Shredder.

CROW: And Kitana?
MIKE: Meditating seems to be a popular pastime around here.

> The three of them looked so peaceful
> that I found it hard to believe that Shredder was the enemy. He was so
> peaceful and had not attacked any of us since our arrival in Outworld and I
> knew that it was because he, too, was afraid for his life.

CROW: [TurtleNinja] Did I mention he was really peaceful?
TOM: Come on, Shredder, cook up something; don't disappoint us over here...

> He knew that
> his revenge against Splinter would have to wait. Soon, everyone was awake
> and we headed for the meal hall. After breakfast, we would fight. The ten
> warriors that were chosen to fight us were; Scorpion, SubZero, Reptile,
> Smoke, Rain, Cyrax, Sektor, Noob Saibot, Baraka, and Mileena.

CROW: All carefully selected with no real regard as to which side
they were actually on in this fight, nor which Mortal Kombat game
they were actually from!

> We were to
> greet our opponents and honorably recognize them as fellow warriors.
> Mileena looked like Kitana and I wondered if she was a twin. I later found
> out that she was a clone of Kitana and that she was pure evil.

TOM: [TurtleNinja] You know, same old, same old, everyone has one of
*those* kind of clones.

> Since they
> were brought here by accident, Bebop and Rocksteady would not fight.

ALL: D'Oh!
MIKE: Those two could have really saved this story!
CROW: [Rocksteady] Duh...why-for they call it "Mortal Kombat," Bebop?

> The
> first fight was to begin. It was between Scorpion and Michaelangelo and
> Mikey was prepared, but not for Scorpion's harpoon.

TOM: He was prepared, but *not* for the harpoon?
CROW: Yeah, isn't that kind of the quintessential thing you need to be
prepared for?

> The first time it came
> his way, Mikey stepped aside and his arm was cut. It must have been
> poisoned, because after the fight, Mikey told me that it burned. Mikey
> caught the harpoon

TOM: Wait a minute...is this still *during* the fight, or *after* the
fight?
MIKE: Don't question it.

> the second time it was thrown and ripped it out of his
> opponent's hand. Using it as a grappler, he threw it around Scorpion.

MIKE: [Michaelangelo] Like, get over here, dude!

> He
> was defeated, yet the battle was not over yet. We were astonished when
> Mikey was ordered to kill his opponent. Mikey just stood there, stunned.
> He looked over at Splinter, who nodded, knowing that it was the only way
> for Mikey to win.

CROW: [Splinter] Go ahead, my son. Kick his undead buttocks.
TOM: Good point. He's dead anyway. Why even bother?

> I saw Mikey gulp before he took the harpoon and thrust
> it into his opponent's chest. Scorpion fell to the ground writhing until
> he was still. Michaelangelo was declared the winner and he hurried out of
> the fighting arena. Awhile later, he came back, pale and shaken. I
> slipped an arm around him and said;
> "It's okay, Mikey. You did what you had to do."

CROW: Is it just me, or was that whole fight scene a little bit
short and one-sided?
MIKE: I have a sinking feeling that it's the first of many.

> He nodded and we watched the next battle, which was between Rain and
> Raphael. Raph was ready and he knew that he would have to destroy his
> opponent before Rain destroyed him. Raph gave his opponent nearly the same
> treatment as Michaelangelo had and he wasn't as shaken up about it as
> Mikey.

TOM: Oh. Well, ha! So much for Rain, then!
MIKE: He was one of those really uninteresting "secret characters" anyway.

> Next fight was Donatello and Reptile. The first thing Reptile did
> was spit acid at Donnie. He moved away, saving his face, but his arm was
> seriously burned.

MIKE: These Kombatants have a real way of attacking the *arms,* don't they?
CROW: Vital organs. First thing they teach you in Kombat Training.

> Donnie cried out in pain as he counterattacked. Reptile
> used his tongue to tug Don's bo out of his hands and they went to
> hand-to-hand combat. Then that battle was over and Leonardo was next.

CROW: What? Already?
TOM: Looks like TurtleNinja's trying to save on the special effects budget.
CROW: But we don't even know who won!
MIKE: I would put my money on the turtle. Seems to be the trend.

> He
> was up against SubZero and I tried to watch while carefully bandaging
> Donatello's arm.

MIKE: See? Turtle.
CROW: Wow! People in Mortal Kombat are total wimps!

> The acid had really burned him and it took Sonya and I a
> big pail of water to put his arm in and save it from being severely
> damaged. I could see the concentration in Leo's eyes as he fought the
> ninja who could freeze him in an instant.
> <"Be careful, Leo. Keep your eyes on him.">
> It was as if he had heard my thoughts.

CROW: [TurtleNinja] Of course, he probably would have kept his
eyes on him, anyway, but I was just trying to be encouraging.

> As SubZero began an ice grenade,
> Leo took one of his Katanas and cut off his opponent's attack. He grabbed
> his opponent by the fighting uniform and delivered a powerful headbutt.
> SubZero stood there, stunned. I could hear Leonardo say;
> "I don't want to do this, but you are a dishonorable warrior, fighting
> for a dishonorable lord."

TOM: Huh?
CROW: No, actually, SubZero's working for the Lin Kuai assassins, not the
Emporer. Unless it's the *other* SubZero, who is actually the *brother* of
the original SubZero, who died, but not before *another* SubZero, who
is actually their father...
MIKE: How many times do I have to tell you, Crow? No one can keep the
actual plot of Mortal Kombat straight.
CROW: ...Sorry.

> A second later, he decapitated his opponent.

ALL: Whoa!
MIKE: You just don't see enough of that kind of enthusiasm from the
other turtles.

> I swallowed hard and told
> myself that Leo had to do it to stay alive. Up until now, Shao Kahn had
> been enjoying this sick tournament. Now that his warriors were being
> defeated, he was getting very angry. Sonya fought next. Her opponent was
> Baraka, a mutant of Outworld with blades on his arms and packing one
> serious attitude.

TOM: Blades, and attitude. I'd mention the Shredder, *maybe,*
but I don't think he's even in this story anymore.
MIKE: On the bright side, Tom, you've now let two of those
separated speech paragraphs go by without even letting off
a puff of steam!
TOM: I'm hanging in there.

> Kitana came up to where I was sitting between Donnie and
> Mikey.
> "Are you okay, Donatello?" she asked.
> "I'll be fine. It sure hurts, though." Donnie replied.

TOM: [singing] Everybody hurrttts...
CROW: The *last* thing I need to know is what everybody here
is thinking.

> Kitana gave him a pat on the shell as a cheer went up from the crowd.
> Sonya had defeated her opponent. Kitana was talking to Mikey and was
> giving him something to drink.

MIKE: Hey! I'm pretty sure the *Teenage* Mutant Ninja Turtles are
under the legal age.
CROW: Eh--maybe the limit's different in Outworld.

> She told me later that it was the antidote
> to the poison that coated Scorpion's harpoon.

CROW: [falsetto] Or else it actually *is* the poison; you know, I
always get that kind of thing messed up!

> Cage was next, but I missed
> the fight. I had hurried off to find Shredder preparing for his battle. I
> had seen his opponent and the guy was twice Shredder's size. But what I
> saw now was amazing, Shredder was punching a large, sand-filled punching
> bag.

TOM: That's *it*? Everyone else fights big scary ninjas, and they pit
Shredder up against a sandbag?

> I heard another loud cheer behind me and ran back to the arena. Kang
> was next and he was now fighting another cybernetic ninja called Sektor.
> Whenever Sektor was struck, green hydraulic fluid spurted from the broken
> valves. Soon, he had short-circuited and was lying on the arena floor in a
> smoking heap.

CROW: I never get tired of these riveting fight scenes.

> After the arena had been cleared, Shredder jogged out, minus
> his armor and cape.

ALL: No!
CROW: Please, let him be wearing *something*!

> Noob Saibot, his opponent, came out onto the arena a second later. Sonya
> gasped and said;
> "TurtleNinja, do you think that your friend can beat Noob?"
> "I don't know. I sure hope so." I replied.

MIKE: Tom, remind me to give you a RAM chip if we ever get out of
this.
TOM: Thank you!
CROW: Hmph. Maybe *I* should start being an annoying grammar flamer...
MIKE: No, your job is to not be crude.
CROW: Rats.

> We all watched this battle intently. Even though Shredder was our enemy,
> we wanted him to live.

TOM: Really? *Why*?

> I looked across the arena and saw Mileena watching
> Noob's every move.

MIKE: [falsetto] Wow! Noob is really hot!

> She caught my gaze and sent a warning look my way.
> Chilled, I looked away and continued to watch the battle. Suddenly,
> Shredder was thrown to the ground and appeared to be defeated. But he was
> quick and rolled away as Noob brought his foot down.

CROW: You know, the reason they call him Noob Saibot is because it's the
names of the creators of Mortal Kombat--Boon and Tobias--spelled
backwards.
TOM: Oh, everyone knows that.

> Shredder pulled a
> knife from his belt and plunged it into his opponent's back. He withdrew
> the stained blade to find that Noob was not gonna go down easily.

TOM: Anyway, you're not allowed to know obscure facts about Mortal Kombat
and still pick fun of me for knowing obscure facts about the Ninja Turtles.
MIKE: This is the first fight scene she's described thouroughly since the
story started, and you guys aren't even reading it?
CROW: What's the point? TurtleNinja's rooting for Shredder, so Shredder's
going to win.
TOM: *I'm* not rooting for Shredder! He's gone soft! Come on, Noob; you
the man!

> Swiftly
> stepping aside, Shredder was able to break away and thrust his knife into
> his opponent again. Noob collapsed to the arena floor and was still.

TOM: Rats.
CROW: Well, this is all very...predictable...
MIKE: Guys...we gotta take a break...
TOM: I thought you'd never ask.

[All Exit. Commercials.]

[Interior of the SoL. Crow, audience left, is staring into a set-up screen
which we can't see the front of and "holding" a controller. Tom has
some kind of device strapped to his head. Enter Mike from the right.]

MIKE: Hey, guys, what's up?
CROW: Well, you know how Mortal Kombat is a fighting game, and they
made a fighting game out of Ninja Turtles, too?
MIKE: Yeah..
CROW: So, Tom and I have put together a little fighting game based on
the events in this fan-fic!
TOM: Right!
MIKE: Neat idea, guys!
CROW: Uh-huh! And we even wired Tom's head directly into the computer,
so he can play the game, too. Cool thinking, huh?
MIKE: Sounds like a good idea to me. How does the game work?
CROW: Well, first you pick a character, who can be either from Ninja Turtles,
or from Mortal Kombat! Then, you fight like normal. Want to give it a try?
MIKE: Sure! Sounds like fun! [picks up a spare controller.]
TOM: Who ya gonna be, Mike?
MIKE: Well, I think Scorpion's kinda cool, so I'll pick him.
CROW: Okay! And I'll pick Leonardo. Ready?
[The two struggle with the controllers for about half a second.
Then, there is a scream from the monitor.]
CROW: All right! I win!
MIKE: But...but you didn't even touch me yet!
TOM: Well, of *course* Crow won, Mike! Don't you get it? He picked a
character from Ninja Turtles, and you picked one from Mortal Kombat!
CROW: Yeah, Mike, don't be a putz. You *know* a Mortal Kombat
character can't beat a Ninja Turtles character in this fan-fic!
MIKE: Oh. Right. Well, let's try it again.
CROW: Okay.
[They stare at the screen again for a moment.]
MIKE: Hey! TurtleNinja's in this!
TOM: Of course!
MIKE: Well, does she have any good special moves?
TOM: Tell him about the fatality, Crow!
MIKE: What's her fatality?
CROW: Well, ya know how Kitana has that fatality where she can kiss a guy,
and it makes his head blow up?
MIKE: Yeah...
CROW: Well, TurtleNinja kisses a guy, and it makes *Tom's*
head blow up.
TOM: Yup! That's...[It suddenly dawns on him] hey... Crow!!
[Red light begins to flash.]
MIKE: Well, no time for another round now...we've got fan-fic sign!
[General pandemonium]

[6...5...4...3...2...*]

[Bots and Mike settle in the theatre.]

> Shredder picked up his knife and silently walked out of the arena.
> Splinter was next and he fought Smoke, a gray ninja who constantly emitted
> smoke.

TOM: Hence the name.
MIKE: [Smoke] [cough, cough] You know, I can't even get myself started
without that first pack of Marlboros.

> Shredder found me a few moments later, carrying a duffel bag that
> contained his armor and cape. His knife was back in its sheath, wiped
> clean of his opponent's blood.

> "TurtleNinja?" he asked.
> "Yes?"
> "When I was out there fighting, I didn't want to do it. I didn't want
> to kill my opponent. It was strange. I never thought that I would ever
> feel that way."

TOM: [TurtleNinja] Do you know why that is, Shredder?
CROW: [Shredder] Why?
TOM: [drops falsetto] It's because you're being *grossly mischaracterized!*
Aaaaaaaaah!!

> "I understand. When you're fighting for your life, you ignore it and do
> what you need to do. I'm not really looking forward to my battle, either."
> He looked at me and went back to watching the fight. Splinter was winning
> as I followed Kitana and Jade to a gym where I would warm up. Jade hurried
> out of the room and I asked Kitana where she was going.
> "She's going to the arena to see how your friend is doing. She'll be
> back in a few moments." Kitana said.
> She was right. Jade returned in a few moments and said;
> "TurtleNinja, your sensei has won and you're next."

TOM: [TurtleNinja, relieved] Oh, thanks for taking care of that, Jade!
For a minute there I thought I was going to have to describe another
fight scene!

> I stopped with my warmups and followed them to the arena. It was still
> being cleaned, so I ran to Leo and gave him another kiss.

MIKE: Yeah, Leonardo's really more of a lover than a fighter.

> Mileena was
> talking to Shao Kahn and I hoped that they weren't planning something.

TOM: [Shao Kahn] So...how about dinner at my place tomorrow?

> Finally, the arena was clean and it was my turn to fight. Mileena's first
> move was a ground roll that knocked me onto my shell. I got up and
> counterattacked. My Katana struck her on the arm and my dagger caught her
> across the leg.

TOM: Heh. My Katana hit Mileena.
CROW: So...there really isn't any *story* here, per se: just a lot of
forced fight scenes and even more forced love scenes?
MIKE: Looks like you're catching on!

> The move to cut her leg was a bad one, for she immediately
> kicked me in the face. I reeled back, stunned. I barely had time to duck
> as one of her sai blades came flying at my head. I was in my shell and
> stepped back. Another bad move.

MIKE: She doesn't have much of a track record, does she?
CROW: Yup. And you know what? She's *still* going to win!

> When I poked my head up, a blade drove
> into the back of my shoulder, under my shell. It hurt like hell

ALL: Hey!
MIKE: I thought this TV show was rated Y7!
CROW: Why not? They say "hell" on Gargoyles, and it's Y7!
TOM: Ignore that! There's a bigger issue here! How do you
get a blade *through* a turtle shell?
MIKE: I think it counts as long as it's somewhere in the *arm.*
TOM: Oh.

> and I
> wanted to pull it out, but remembered what Splinter had told me about
> getting hurt in a battle...

TOM: [Splinter/Gym teacher] Just walk it off!

> <"Ignore the pain. No matter how much it hurts, if you can stand up and
> walk about, keep fighting. If you get distracted by your pain, you will
> forget your opponent and be defeated.">
> I turned my attention back to Mileena and concentrated on defeating her. I
> was weakening either from a loss of blood from a poison that I suspected
> had coated the blade in my shoulder.

CROW: Oh, I get it! Don't aim for any vital place; just use a whole
lot of poison and hope you can outlast the other person...right?
MIKE: Yeah--hit once and never again! It's just like in the game!

> Either way, I knew that I had to
> defeat my opponent quickly or lose my life.

BOTS: Riiiiiiight...
MIKE: I know I've placed all *my* bets on the turtle.
CROW: Look on the bright side! If she dies, there won't be an author
anymore!

> She threw something at me and
> I caught it centimeters before it would have hit me in the face...

CROW: I didn't know Outworld used the metric system!

> it was
> her remaining sai. The other one was the blade that was embedded in my
> shoulder. She came rushing at me, a fatal move. I stepped aside and
> thrust the sai I had caught into her chest. She gasped and reeled back
> before falling to the arena floor, her sai protruding from her chest.

CROW: Killed with her own weapon. The irony.
TOM: Look at it this way! Lots of fan-fic writers don't
get *that* close to hitting irony!

> A cheer went up as I was declared the winner and Shredder leapt out onto the
> arena, running over to where I stood, swaying.
> *"TurtleNinja!"*
> He caught me as I slipped into unconsciousness and immediately pulled the
> sai from my shoulder.

TOM: She slipped into unconsciousness but still had time to pull the
sai out of her shoulder?
CROW: [falsetto] No... I slipped into unconsciousness, and *Leonardo* pulled
the sai from my shoulder! I was too busy narrating the story!

> He dropped it to the ground and picked me up,
> hurrying out of the arena to where Splinter was awaiting us in my room.
> His left arm had been bandaged, a result of Smoke's harpoon.

ALL: [laugh]
CROW: Those nutty Kombatants; they did it again!

> "Let's get that wound patched up. Kitana, do you know the antidote to
> the poison? If so, please get it....before it's too late." Splinter said.
> Kitana and Jade hurried to get it while Splinter bandaged me up, praying
> that it wasn't too late to save me.
>
> * * *

MIKE: [falsetto] And in answer to his prayer, three little fairies
came down to help!
CROW: [falsetto] We are Flora, Fauna, and Merriweather!

> A couple of hours later, I awoke feeling groggy. I was lying on my bed in
> my quarters and a hazy someone was standing over me. I groaned and
> attempted to sit up, but a warm, furry hand pushed me back.

MIKE: Chewy...knock it off...

> I blinked and
> looked up. My vision cleared and I was looking up at Splinter.

ALL: Gah!
CROW: [TurtleNinja] Oh...sorry, Master, thought you were one of those
*Muppets*...ew, keep it away...

> Leonardo
> and the others were standing nearby.
> "Did I win?" I asked.
> "Yes, you did. But the sai that was embedded in your shoulder was
> poisoned and you've been out for a few hours.

TOM: It made you so sleepy, you could hardly keep awake.

> Thank Kitana for her
> knowledge of the antidote.

CROW: Since her only function seems to be sitting around and healing
and encouraging people and not kicking butt with the rest of them.
MIKE: Kinda like the movie?
CROW: There's a difference. The movie was really kinda *good.*
TOM: The first movie!

> Rest, my child. Rest and let the antidote do
> its work." Splinter said.

CROW: Hmmm...good point.
TOM: And in the second movie, she *did* use the fans, and it was a
very, very *bad* movie.
MIKE: Yeah, guys, maybe TurtleNinja's really on to something here!

> Leo remained behind as the others left. He pulled a chair up alongside my
> bed and stroked my sweat-covered cheek.
> "You're gonna be okay, TN. Just do like Splinter said and rest."
> I suddenly felt nauseated

CROW: How come? We're the ones reading this.

> and sat up before saying;
> "Leo, is there a garbage can around? If so, give it to me quick!"
> He saw the pale color in my green reptilian face

TOM: Or...something...

> and quickly snatched up
> the garbage can. I took it and leaned over. Leo snatched up the tails of
> my eyemask and held them out of the way as I began to vomit.

ALL: Eeeeeeewww!
CROW: So even *she* can't read this fan-fic without losing it.

> After my
> stomach had finished emptying its contents into the trash can,

TOM: --I had my secretary sort them out and file them.

> I leaned
> back against the pillows, coughing. Leo handed me a glass of water, which
> I drank. He took a cool, damp washcloth and mopped my sweat-soaked face.
> He kissed my forehead and said;
> "I think I'd better go. Rest now, my love. Rest."

CROW: I guess we really *did* fall into Gargoyles somehow.
MIKE: [Goliath] Rest here, my Angel of the Night...

> "Leo, wait. Tell Kitana that I said thanks for the antidote." I said.
> He nodded and left.

CROW: [Leonardo] Suuuure, TurtleNinja, suuuurrrre... ya delirious kook.

> I laid back on the pillows and fell asleep.
>
> * * *
>
> A few hours later, I awoke, feeling refreshed.

MIKE: Yep--those asterisks always fix ya right up!

> I got up and walked to the
> window, peering out. Leo and the others were down below, talking
> anxiously. I darted out of the room and down to where they were.
> "Guys! What's wrong?" I asked.
> They turned and Leonardo ran up to me.

TOM: [Leonardo] Rose! Rose! Why didn't you get *on* that lifeboat?
MIKE: Wrong Leonardo, Tom.
TOM: Well, *somebody* had to do it!

> "TN! What are you doing? You shouldn't be out here, you should be resting."

CROW: You should be...on that lifeboat!

> "I know. But when I looked out the window and saw you guys down here, I
> sensed that something was wrong and immediately hurried down here. What's
> wrong?"
> "Just about everything." Shredder said, walking up to us. "The Emperor
> is furious that he has lost his warriors

TOM: [Shao Kahn] Man...that's the *last* time I decide to bring a bunch of
Earth-reptiles into my kingdom for no good reason...

> and has ordered our leader to
> fight him."
> "Leo? Oh, no!"
> "Not Leonardo. Me." Splinter said.
> I gasped and nearly fainted.

MIKE: That TurtleNinja's a tough gal; you can see why they wanted her on
the team.

> Leo grabbed my shoulders to keep me from
> falling over.
> "Take it easy, TN. You'll do yourself no good by getting all worked up.
> I'll be fine. The fight is tomorrow and you need to rest." Splinter said
> softly.
> Reluctantly, I followed Splinter back to my room. I laid back down on my
> bed and ate the meal that Sonya brought me

TOM: --little knowing that it was full of more Outworldian poison!
MIKE: That's just wishful thinking.

> before I fell asleep again.
> Despite my anxiety, I fell asleep, knowing that Splinter would need my
> help.
>
> * * *
>
> Early the next morning, I was awakened by Shredder.

TOM: [Shredder] Oh, TurtleNinja... Time to wake up...and *die!*
Ha ha ha!
CROW: In your *dreams.*
TOM: I know... [sobs] I know...but there has to be *some* way to get rid
of her!

> Everyone else was
> downstairs, preparing for the battle. I got up and hurried down to the
> others. I found them in the gym, helping Splinter to warm up. Jade and
> Kitana were nearby, watching carefully and giving hints as to what Shao
> Kahn would do and how to counter them.

CROW: [fight coach] If he tries the eye-poke thing, ya just stick your
hand up on the bridge of your nose!
TOM: This involves the Cur-Lee Maneuver?
MIKE: *That* was obscure.
TOM: Fine, *fine,* I won't *watch* Ninja Turtles anymore.

> Splinter swiftly attacked the huge
> punching bag, punching and kicking it as if it was a real opponent.
> Finally, he stopped, warmed up. He was surprised to see me

TOM: --alive.
CROW: [Splinter] Curses! Shredder, Kahn and I worked on that evil plan
for months!

> up.
> "TurtleNinja, you should be resting. You shouldn't be watching me
> fight. If I lose, then you'll get worked up and in you're weakened state,
> you won't be able to handle it." he said.

MIKE: It's really nice of him to be so worried about *her*, seeing as
he's probably going to die and all.

> "Master, I know. But I need to be there, for I know that you'll need me."
> Surprised at my reply, he nodded and went to change clothes. When he came
> back, I was surprised to find that he had changed into his Foot uniform.

CROW: He looked like a big Dr. Scholl's advertisement!

> Then I realized that it was symbolic to him.

TOM: --of all the ugly corns and bunions the world over.

> If he was to die, he would
> die for us and for his clan. His facemask was hanging on his belt and his
> Katana was in its scabbard,

TOM: Kitana's in his scabbard?
MIKE: No, his *katana* is in his scabbard.
TOM: I'm confused.

> also hanging on his belt. A loud bell sounded,
> signaling that it was time to fight. I gave Splinter a quick hug and said;
> "I never would have said this to you, but I will, even if I get into
> trouble for it later. Go out there and kick the Emperor's butt! Show that
> loser who's the boss!"

TOM: Nooo! They're making Shao Kahn watch Tony Danza?
MIKE: [Shudder] And she says the *Emperor* is the cruel one!

> Splinter raised an eyebrow and grinned. We both knew that if Splinter
> survived this fight, I would be reprimanded.

CROW: Um...why?
TOM: Yeah, what'd she do exactly?
MIKE: She said "butt."
BOTS: Ooooohhhh.

> Just before he hurried off to
> the arena, I slipped something into his hand. A yinyang pendant that was
> very special to me. He looked at me in surprise and I said;
> "For luck."

MIKE: [falsetto] So give it to him when you see him.

> He slipped it into a pocket of his uniform and hurried off to the arena.

[Bots pack up and leave the theatre.]

[*...2...3...4...5...6...]

[SoL Interior. The 'Bots are still trying to get the hang
of their new fighting game when there is a ring at the Hexfield.]

CROW: Hey, Mike, can you get that?
MIKE: Okay. [Opens up the Hexfield to reveal the face of a dark-haired
woman.] Hey... it's...um...
WOMAN: Kitana. I know I'm not in this fan-fic that much, so
I could see where I would be fairly forgettable... Nice to meet you,
anyway, Nelson...
CROW: [drops the controller and motors over to the Hexfield.]
*Kitana!* Wow! This is so cool! Can I have your autograph?
KITANA: Sure. If you'll let me come on and visit?
MIKE: Well, I don't see why n--
[Kitana is suddenly aboard the SoL with an I Dream of Jeannie-esque
"Pop!" Mike double-takes.]
TOM: Neat trick.
KITANA: Thanks. [Grabs a pen and paper from nowhere and writes up
an autograph.]
MIKE: So...um...what brings the Princess of the Outworld to the
Satellite of Love?
KITANA: I'm basically out to stop injustice in all realms. [Hands the
autograph to Crow.]
CROW: Thanks!
KITANA: ...So let me just start by stating that this fan-fic does
injustice to just about everything Mortal Kombat stands for!
CROW: Yeah, you tell 'em, Kitana!
KITANA: [Getting riled up about it] It's not just about bloodbaths,
fight scenes, and gratuitous violence! It's about characters and
relationships... about the struggle between light and darkness...
CROW: Yeah!
KITANA: ...Maybe even...the meaning of life!
CROW: Yeah!
KITANA: [Looks at Mike and Tom] You guys aren't buying any of this,
are you?
MIKE: Nope.
TOM: Nada.
KITANA: Well, I'm lying. It really is just about gratuitous violence.
CROW: Oh.
KITANA: This fan-fic just ticks me off because I'm stupid in it.
Like some little turtle chick would just jump in from nowhere and
suck up all the available men?
MIKE: [Notices Commercial Sign] We'll be right back.
KITANA: [mocking] You're *royalty,* Kitana, you're not *allowed* to
fight in the fan-fics...

[Commercial]

[Bots file into the theatre again.]

TOM: It's fun to meet new people, isn't it?
CROW: Yeah, but now we're stuck with *this* again...

> I quickly hurried to the stands and made my way down to the front row,
> sitting between Leonardo and Shredder.

CROW: [falsetto] Oooo...so many men, so little time!
MIKE: That's enough, Crow.
CROW: But she's making it so easy!

> Bebop and Rocksteady had made it a
> point to join us in the front row and watch the fight with us.

MIKE: Oh, they *are* in this story?
TOM: They're the stupidest people on Ninja Turtles, and even they're
smart enough to stay the heck away from this fan-fic.

> A gong
> sounded and the battle began. I prayed that we would not lose our beloved
> sensei to this vile creature. For awhile, the battle went on, each of the
> combatants able to get a few hits in. Then, I sensed nothing but pure evil
> from Kahn

MIKE: [falsetto] It took me a few minutes to realize that he really *was*
evil, but, sure enough, pure evil!
CROW: No additives, perfumes, or dyes!

> and realized that he was only toying with Splinter, wearing him
> down. I gasped when Kahn first made his power known. A bolt of green
> energy struck Splinter, sending him onto his back. He got up and was
> greeted with a punch to the face.

TOM: Hi! I'm a punch to the face! How are you today?

> He reeled back, stunned. Even Kitana
> and Jade were surprised. They had never seen their Emperor so vicious in a
> fight. I was barely able to hold back my tears as I watched our beloved
> Master get tossed around and battered as if he was nothing more than a
> punching bag. Suddenly, he was downed by a brutal blow to the head. He
> collapsed to the arena floor and I prayed that his neck was not broken.
> *"Nnnooooo!"*

ALL: [unexcited] Nnooooooooo.

> Kahn stood over his defeated opponent, laughing evilly. It took both
> Leonardo and Shredder holding me back to keep me from running out onto the
> arena.

MIKE: Leonardo and Shredder are *both* *holding* her now.
CROW: This is way more than I needed to know about this author.

> A green light surrounded Kahn and deepened at his right hand, which
> was outstretched over Splinter's limp body. Two new hands were holding
> me...Bebop and Rocksteady.

MIKE: [falsetto] Oooo...thanks, guys!
CROW: It just keeps getting better, doesn't it?

> I struggled, but not much.

CROW: Why does that not surprise me?

> The green light
> shot forth from Kahn's hand and struck Splinter's chest. An eerie glow
> filled Splinter's body and I knew what was happening. Kahn was taking
> Splinter's soul!
> "You bastard!

TOM: *Kaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhnnn!!*
MIKE: We promised we weren't going to do that anymore.
TOM: It was just the one last time!

> You leave him alone!" I screamed.
> It was too late. The green glow vanished from Splinter and Kahn until the
> only trace of it was in Kahn's eyes. Splinter was gone.
*"Nnnnooooo!"*

ALL: [unexcited] Nnoooooooooo.

> Shredder cried out and drew his Katana before leaping out onto the arena.

TOM: I didn't know Shredder could do portraits!
MIKE: Not "Kitana." His "katana."
TOM: Oh--I keep getting confused by that.

> Kahn was still gloating when Shredder struck him down. He thrust his
> Katana into Kahn's back and forced it up. He jerked it back and Kahn fell
> to the arena. He was dead.

CROW: Heyyy...
MIKE: Gee, *that* was awfully nice of the Shredder, sticking up for
his old mortal enemy like that!
CROW: Yeah, I would have figured he and Kahnmiester had been talking
Evil over a cup of coffee that morning. Color me surprised!
TOM: It's not making any sense!!

> But so was Splinter.

MIKE: Wait...you mean someone from Ninja Turtles actually *did* lose a
battle?
TOM: That *is* a shocker.

> I rushed out onto the
> arena and pulled Splinter into my arms and away from the dead Shao Kahn. A
> rumbling shook the ground and the dark skies over Outworld lightened. A
> break in the clouds allowed the sun to shine down upon me holding
> Splinter's limp body.

MIKE: Wow. How...dramatic.
CROW: How disgusting.

> I looked up at the sky, tears streaming down my
> reptilian cheeks and said;
> "Farewell, Splinter. My father...."

TOM: Hold on--Splinter was her father?
CROW: Yeah, I thought she was a turtle!
MIKE: I think she's just speaking figuratively.
CROW: Is she *allowed* to do that?
TOM: Five-yard penalty!

> By now, the others had stepped onto the arena, watching the events unfold.
> Shredder's Katana clattered to the ground as Kahn's body dissolved and a
> blue light shot into the sky. The souls were being released. Splinter was
> still gone. The light disappeared and Kahn had been vaporized. The sun
> still shown down on me and another flash of light landed in the spot where
> Kahn's body had been.

MIKE: You guys get all that?
BOTS: Nope.

> It was Rayden. He looked over to where I knelt,
> holding Splinter's body. I looked back at him, the tears still in my eyes.
> "Your master was a brave warrior who fought honorably and Kahn did not
> truly win his soul.

TOM: [Rayden/game show host] He'll have to make do with the chandelier
and the dinette set.

> However, since his soul had been fully captured when
> Kahn was struck down, there's no way for me to return him to his body. I'm
> sorry." he said.
> "You're sorry?!?! The Turtles and I just lost the one man who was our
> father and all you can say is sorry?" I cried, the despair and sorrow
> filling my voice.

MIKE: [falsetto] Oh, Rayden, you're so mmeeeeeeeeaaaannn!!

> I shook my head and buried my face in the fur of Splinter's neck. What
> surprised me was that he wasn't cold, even though he was dead. But I
> passed it off as my own body heat being absorbed by his fur, even though
> there was a flicker of hope felt in my heart.

CROW: Kinda like a bug-lamp.

> Rayden must have sensed it,
> for he said;
> "There might be a way to save your sensei. Lay him down and let's get
> in a circle around him. If we meditate hard enough, we may be able to
> guide him back to his body."

MIKE: Oh...that's *cheap*!
CROW: Meditating? Of course! The answer was right there all along!
We'll meditate!

> We did as asked and we were soon meditating peacefully around Splinter's
> limp form. What we psychically saw was astounding. Splinter was standing
> there in his spirit form, hovering in the air above his body, looking down
> at it.

TOM: Soo...TurtleNinja proposes meditation as a cure for *everything,*
including death.
MIKE: Well, I guess it would work in *theory*...

> He was crying, trying to figure out a way to get back into it. We
> all reached out and touched him. If he felt us, he didn't acknowledge it.
> He just stood there, a faint smile on his face. With Rayden's help, we
> were able to guide him back into his body.

TOM: Now, you'll wanna take a left turn at the crooked floorboard,
follow the long burn-mark, and your body should be right there
near the center of the battle arena!

> We slowly came out of our
> trances and I ran to Splinter and cradled his limp body in my arms.
> "Nothing. There's no life in him. We've failed." I said, the tears
> returning.
> The Turtles hung their heads, knowing that it was too late to save our
> Sensei. Suddenly, I felt a small movement in my arms.

MIKE: [falsetto] Ew! A rat! Oh...sorry...

> Splinter was coming
> back! He stirred slightly and opened his eyes. He looked up at me and
> said;
> "TurtleNinja, don't cry. I'm all right. But I'm afraid that I'll have
> to reprimand you for what what you said earlier."

TOM: [Splinter] You thought I would forget you said "butt," didn't
you?

> I hugged him close and laughed as I realized that he was only joking. I
> released him and he sat up, stretching. He reached into his pocket and
> withdrew my pendant, handing it back to me as he said;
> "This gave me luck. Thank you, KameNinja."
> KameNinja. He had said my name in his natie language.

TOM: Well, I guess Japanese *can* be kind of a "natie" language,
sometimes...
CROW: Depends on what anime you're watching.

> My eyes were
> shining as I said;
> "Welcome back, sensei."
> I slipped my pendant back around my neck and helped him to his feet. We
> all turned to face Rayden, who said;
> "You have broken the curse that ha been cast on Outworld by Shao Kahn.
> Because of that, your master was allowed to return to his body. You will
> all return to Earth tomorrow."

TOM: [Rayden/game show host] Thanks for playing our game, and be sure to
enjoy your fabulous consolation prizes!

> With that, he vanished. I slipped an arm around Splinter's shoulders and
> supported him as we headed back to our quarters. He was hurt, but not
> seriously.

MIKE: ...Except for the "being dead" part.

> After he was bandaged up, we ate our supper and went to bed. I
> caught up with Kitana as I was heading back to my quarters.
> "Princess, I never got to thank you for giving me the antidote to that
> poison.

CROW: Yeah, but you told *Leonardo* to tell her "thank you..."
MIKE: Right; like Leo would waste his time on something like that.

> Thank you." I said.
> "TurtleNinja, I did what I could to help you and your friends end the
> evil that was here. I know that you care deeply about the others,
> especially Leonardo.

TOM: At least today. But tomorrow...who knows?

> And Splinter, he is like a father to you." she paused
> a second. "You are fortunate. I never knew my father. When I was too
> young to understand, Kahn won the tournaments and killed my parents. He
> adopted me and hoped to pass his evil on to me. But I found out later what
> had happened and vowed to end this evil. Now that Kahn is dead, I will
> regain my rightful place on the throne of Outworld and rule it with good."

[Uproarious laughter suddenly fills the theater.]
MIKE: [looking frantically around] Who was that?
CROW: Kitana.

> "I wish you luck, my friend."
> She smiled and headed off to her royal chambers. I watched her for a
> moment before turning and heading into my quarters, going to bed.
>
> * * *

CROW: Three stars and one *baaddd* hangover later...

>
> The next morning, I awoke late and got up to hurry out the door. The
> others were awaiting me in the courtyard, prepared for our return home. I
> joined them and said;
> "Why didn't you guys wake me up?"

MIKE: Um...well...
CROW: We were kinda planning to ditch you here. Heh heh.

> "You had such a rough day yesterday and you needed to sleep so we just
> let you rest." Splinter said.

TOM: [whisper] Psst! Good one, Splinter!

> I raised an eyebrow and stood next to him and Leonardo. Rayden appeared to
> us again and said;
> "I thank you all for freeing Outworld from Kahn's curse and will now
> return you home."

CROW: He did that disjunct run-on thing again.
TOM: Plus the semi-colon thing.

> We said goodbye to our new friends before we were teleported home. But we
> were not in the power plant, about to take on Shredder and his mutants,

MIKE: Whatever happened to that whole subplot about the Technodrome moving?
CROW: [Shao Kahn] Fatality. Flawless victory.

> we
> were back at the lair. And Shredder and company had been teleported back
> to the Technodrome.

CROW: Why? Why not...oh, I don't know...jail?
TOM: Remember? Shredder was sickeningly *nice* in this fan-fic.
CROW: Well, okay, but...how about teleporting Bebop and Rocksteady
into a *bath*?
TOM: What do you mean: together?
MIKE: How did we get down this road? U-turn!

> We knew that they wouldn't be trying any new schemes
> soon, not after all that had happened.

MIKE: But, you know, the supervillains always strike when you
least expect it...!

> After Michaelangelo and Raphael had
> a food fight,

CROW: Why not?

> I said to Leonardo;
> "Things are definetly back to normal."

TOM: Particularly with the author's punctuation!

> He nodded and led me to his room, away from the others. I sat down next to
> him on his bed and he said;
> "TN, did you really mean what you said to me that night on the balcony?"

MIKE: [TurtleNinja] Huh? What did I say again?
CROW: I don't remember anything important.

> "Yes. You know I did."
> He took my hands in his as he leaned forward and pressed his lips to mine.
> I responded, knowing that we were meant for each other.

CROW: Come on, come on!
TOM: Go for it!

> He pulled away

BOTS: Awww...
MIKE: Would you guys really want to be responsible for egging those two
on to a scene that would probably scar you for life?
CROW: Well...I guess not.

> and gazed into my eyes. His eyes shown with

TOM: --his obvious intoxication--

> a special love for me as I got up
> and said;

TOM: [TurtleNinja] To hell with grammar! Outworldians do the semicolon thing;
I'm allowed to do the semicolon thing, too!

> "I'd better go. We don't want Splinter to catch us. Sweet dreams, my
> dear Leonardo."
> "Sweet dreams, KameNinja."
> I headed back to my room, thinking about my future with Leonardo and the
> others and how Leo and I were meant for each other.

CROW: Repeat!
TOM: Did I mention we were made for each other?

> Life was good and I
> hoped it would always stay that way, even though I knew that it probably
> wouldn't.

TOM: She's a "glass-is-half-full, but-it-won't-always-be-half-full, but
then-again-at-least-it's-half-full-now" kind of girl.
MIKE: You guys, life *is* good! The fan-fic's over!
BOTS: [cheer]

> I fell asleep with the memory of Leo's sweet words and knew that
> our future together was to be special.

CROW: Great, lady. Just as long as it doesn't involve *us.*
MIKE: Let's get out of here.
[Exeunt.]

[*...2...3...4...5...6]

[SoL interior. Kitana is still on board the Satellite. There
are piles of photographs stacked all around, and Kitana is showing
some of the pictures to Gyspy. Enter Mike.]

MIKE: What are you ladies doing?
KITANA: Oh, just looking at pictures of my old boyfriends.
MIKE: *All* these?
KITANA: [Shrug.] I'm ten-thousand years old. You tend to meet a guy or
two when you've got a few millennia to look.
GYPSY: I can't believe you used to date *Richard Baseheart*!
KITANA: Sure. I'll introduce you sometime!
GYPSY: Oooo!
MIKE: [picks up a random picture] Who's this guy?
KITANA: Him? Oh, that's Attila. He was a Hun. You don't see a lot
of Huns around anymore.
[Tom suddenly bursts out of a pile of pictures in the background.]
MIKE: Oh, hi, Tom.
TOM: [Looks at the photo that Kitana is currently holding] I didn't
know you used to go out with Miles O'Keefe!
[Crow bursts out of another pile of photos.]
CROW: [Coughs up several pictures before remarking] Yeah!
Or Alan Steele...
MIKE: So, Kitana, how did you *get* up to the Satellite of Love?
KITANA: I opened a portal.
CROW: Hey, Mike! If Kitana can open portals to other worlds, maybe
she can find some way to get us back to Earth!
TOM: Hooray!
KITANA: [Thinks about it.] Okay, sure. But you'd have to go out
with me first.
MIKE: [looks at the piles of photos] Um...maybe not. Thanks anyway.
CROW: Aw...Miiiike...
MIKE: [Almost relieved to notice the Mads' light flashing.] Uh...look.
Sindel and Kabal are calling. [Hits the button.]

[Deep 13.]

PEARL: So...what did you think of our little story, Nelson?
FORRESTER: Ready to succumb?

[SoL.]

MIKE: Well, it was pretty painful...but it could have been a lot worse!
CROW: Yeah! At least we got to meet the Princess!

[Deep 13.]

PEARL: Oh...curse you, Mike Nelson! I thought for sure the work of
TurtleNinja would have you cowering in fear! What kind of evil
will it take to destroy you?
[Sudden puff of smoke in Deep 13. The Mads cough as the smoke clears, revealing...
the evil Shao Kahn, in a none-too-convincing costume.]
SHAO KAHN: Did someone mention evil?
PEARL: [drops to her knees] Master! Great Emperor! How may we serve your
evil bidding?
[Forrester looks confused for a moment until he is yanked to his knees by Pearl.]
FORRESTER: Ooph!

[SoL.]

KITANA: [Stands up.] Shao Kahn! How *dare* you invade the Earth Realm?

[Deep 13.]

SHAO KAHN: I'm only here to give these two my deepest, warmest congratulations
for being so gosh-darn evil.
PEARL: We're not worthy!
SHAO KAHN: You have discovered yet another great fan-fic writer, one whose name
may someday send as many chills down the spine as the dreaded Gonterman. Who
may cause just as many grown men to cry as the almighty Ratliff. The undefeatable...
TurtleNinja! [Clap of thunder, maniacal laughter.]

[SoL.]

MIKE: Aw, come on, Kahn, be fair...it wasn't all *that* bad...

[Deep 13.]

SHAO KAHN: You shall see, puny mortals! You shall see...
[Laughs as thunder rolls. Then, suddenly, it all stops.]
SHAO KAHN: Okay, Kitana, you can come on home now.

[SoL.]

KITANA: Awww.... Daddy...

[Deep 13.]

SHAO KAHN: NOW.

[SoL.]

KITANA: But I'm having fun...

[Deep 13.]

SHAO KAHN: I mean it. Or I'm lowering your allowance.

[SoL.]

KITANA: Okay, fine. [waves at Mike and the Bots.] Bye!
CROW: But...what about that portal thing...?
[She is suddenly gone in another I Dream of Jeannie-esque "Pop!"]
CROW: Never mind.

[Deep 13.]

PEARL: [speaking up from the floor] So...that's your daughter, huh?
SHAO KAHN: Adopted.
PEARL: [stands and pulls up Forrester by the hair] This is *my* son!
SHAO KAHN: Amusing.
PEARL: [still holding the squirming Forrester, addressing the SoL.]
Be*ware*, Nelson! Now that we have the ultimate force of evil backing us
up, things are only going to get worse for you and your little wind-up
toys! Ah, ha ha ha ha ha!
[Pearl and Shao Kahn share in laughter.]
SHAO KAHN: And TurtleNinja has written many, many worse things than this!
Ha ha ha ha!!
[More laughter.]

[SoL. Mike and the Bots are staring silently ahead.]

MIKE: [swallows.] We'll see you next time.

-\-- |-- /
--\- |- /
---\|/
---O--- Fwshhhh!
---/|\
--/- |- \
-/-- |-- \

[Credits.]

Amanda "Samus" Flowers would like to thank TurtleNinja for so graciously
allowing me to riff her work. As always, this MSTie is not meant
as a personal attack. Thanks to the folks on the Dibslist for letting
a Ninja Turtles fan-fic geek MSTie some Ninja Turtles fan-fic...and
thanks to them for never MSTieing anything that I've written...yet...
[Gulp.] ACSII "Fwshhhh!" art lifted from Adam Cadre (Thanks, Adam,
for providing yet another MSTier with the Fwshhhh!). Thanks
to Abbey Kos for being my first test-reader, and for pointing
out that TurtleNinja really *shouldn't* be in April's apartment
when April isn't home. And one last thanks goes to Mikael--the other
person on both the TMNT list and the Dibslist!--for being my proofreader.
Mystery Science Theater 3000 and all related characters are copyright
Best Brains and don't belong to me at all. Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles
are copyright Mirage Studios and also don't belong to me--Mortal Kombat
characters are copyright Midway Entertainment, and I'm sure I was
exaggerating the whole ex-boyfriend thing. You may distribute this MSTieing
at will provided everything, including this annoying bottom
paragraph, remains intact. Contact me, Amanda Flowers, at
SamusStar@aol.com with comments. Feel free to just call me Samus.

> Shredder found me a few moments later, carrying a duffel bag that
> contained his armor and cape. His knife was back in its sheath, wiped
> clean of his opponent's blood.
> "TurtleNinja?" he asked.
> "Yes?"
> "When I was out there fighting, I didn't want to do it. I didn't want
> to kill my opponent. It was strange. I never thought that I would ever
> feel that way."
> "I understand. When you're fighting for your life, you ignore it and do
> what you need to do. I'm not really looking forward to my battle, either."
> He looked at me and went back to watching the fight.