Since the original X-MSTie was such a hit, here's the long awaited sequel!
Tornado/Aaron Thall is copyright 1996/1997 by Aaron(Tornado)Thall.
Jubilee, Leech, and Artie are copyright 1997 by Marvel Comics, and are used without permission.
Michaela Taylor is a real live person and a future cast member of Tornado and Jubilee.
The basic idea of MST3K is owned by some guys in Minnesota.
I will personally wedgie anyone that sends me spams, unless it is intended for another sequel.
Three teenagers sit down on a sofa in the Massachuetts Academy's rec room.
Jubilee: So, Aaron, what're we doin' tonight? I mean, it's cool that Michaela's visitin' an' all, but we gotta have somethin' ta do!
Aaron: Have no fear. I've got just the thing.
Michaela: What's he talking about?
Jubilee: I've got no idea whatsoever. Spill it Aaron.
Aaron: Remember when we made fun of that little advertisement from the computer?
Jubilee: I see where yer goin' Aaron. MSTie another one?
Aaron: Precicely.
Michaela: MSTie?
Aaron: It's when you read something and make commentary as you go along.
You'll see. Ready Jube?
Jubilee: Let's rock.
COLLECT MORE MONEY, FASTER, FOR LESS ....
Jubilee: Prostitution! It's the business of the future!
Michaela: I can't believe that you just said that!
Jubilee: Cool yer jets! It's all in fun!
BAD DEBT IS A FACT-OF-LIFE IN BUSINESS.
Aaron: Facts of Life sucked! Thank goodness it's off the air!
Michaela: They show it in Syndication.
Aaron: D'OH!!!
A suggestion-
Michaela: The calm before the storm...
NATIONAL CREDIT SYSTEMS, INC.
All: STOP SCREAMING ALREADY!!! WE HEAR YOU!!! WE HEAR YOU!!!
(NCS)
Michaela: NCS? Non Caring Students. That pretty much sums up what we are right now.
Aaron: True...
"Our only business is putting money into your business"
Aaron: Yeah, riii_iii_iiight!!!!
NCS is an Accounts Receivable Management firm,
Michaela: No... that would be ARM.
Jubilee: They're bad spellers.
Aaron: That's a bit of a strech.
Jubilee: Bad pun Aaron!
Aaron: They'll get worse. Trust me.
with over 9,000 companies,
Jubilee: I pity 'em.
institutions,
Michaela: Mental?
Aaron and Jubilee: Yes.
and medical practices as clients.
Michaela: Lobotomy time.
We offer a debt collection system
Aaron: Whenever you don't make payments, a really big guy called Ramone comes over and beats the stuffing out of you.
which increases recovery rate,
Michaela: From Pauly Shore movies.
lowers collection costs,
Jubilee: But increases medical bills, thanks ta Ramone.
and improves cash flow.
Aaron: Cash flow?
Jubilee: They flush dollar bills down a toilet.
Aaron: Makes sense.
Unlike most collection agencies,
Michaela: You will pay us back or die!!!
Jubilee: All collection companies are like that.
Michaela: Never mind.
NCS does not charge a percentage of the money collected,
Aaron: That's right. They take the entire wad.
only a fee of less than $20.00 per account;
Aaron: Told you.
and also unlike other agencies, the recovered money is sent directly to you, not to the collection agency.
Jubilee: Unless they mail it.
Michaela: Then it's lost for all time.
HIGHLIGHTS OF THE SYSTEM
Aaron: I feel like a deer all of a sudden.
Michaela: Highlights, not headlights.
1. The Best Value in the Industry.
Jubilee: I thought it was the $.99 Whopper.
No matter the age or the size of the balance, the entire fee is always less than twenty dollars, decreasing to less than six dollars.
Jubilee: Math??!! No fair! Ya shoulda warned me!
Aaron: Sorry. I thought I'd brought a calculator.
There is no "hidden percentage" charged after collection.
Michaela: That's right. Just check the ten or so pages of "fine print" that miraculously appear whenever you want to end the relationship.
2. A Recovery Rate That Is Over Twice The National Average.
Jubilee: What National Average?
Aaron: Beat's me. Maybe they're swallowing hot dogs in Central Park again.
Michaela: EWWWW!!! GROSS!!
Aaron: I could tell you what's in a hotdog.
(Michaela begins to look ill.)
Aaron: Forget it.
NCS's unique flat-rate system enables you to recover up to twice as much money as compared with percentage based agencies...
Aaron: Because you made up the percentages.
because our fee is the same regardless of the balance outstanding, or how old the claim is.
Michaela: Huh?
Jubilee: They cost too much.
NCS works equally hard on all accounts-including smaller and older claims.
Jubilee: Includin' Dan Druff?
Michaela: Or Dr. I.P. Freely?
The fixed-fee structure permits Cash Recovery System users to turn over accounts
Aaron: Before Ramone comes over.
at a significantly earlier aging period which substantially increases recovered dollars.
Jubilee: Too many big words. Asprin...
3. Direct Pay - Gross Remit To You.
All: GOODNIGHT EVERYBODY!!!!
All recovered money is sent directly from the delinquent to you.
Jubilee: So they're beatin' up teenagers? Cold.
NCS does not interfere with your cash flow.
Aaron: But other kinds of flow are screwed, if you know what I mean.
4. Is It Easy To Use?
All: NO!!!
Absolutely!
Michaela: Lies! All lies!
You supply only the debtor's name, address and balances due, in lists, on computer tape, on NCS Claim Forms, or on-line through our web site - no cumbersome copies or backups are required.
Aaron and Jubilee(in a sing song tone): This sentence keeps on rolling, rolling rolling... That's right! It never stops!
The completely computerized NCS system provides you with
Michaela: Busy signals while the computer looks up and participates in cybersex.
monthly progress reports on all active accounts. Accounts are easily reviewed and updated.
Jubilee: And altered in the event that you do not succeed in your mission.
Michaela: What?!
Aaron: Sorry. She watched twelve episodes of Mission: Impossible last week.
Michaela: That explains a lot.
Jubilee: HEY!
5. Are Delinquents Reported To Credit Bureaus?
Aaron: Yes. Within ten seconds of the transaction no doubt.
If you wish, NCS will report persistent debtors to TRW, TRANSUNION and EQUIFAX credit bureaus. The debtors will be given ample warning. There is no fee charged for this important service.
Jubilee: Until ya use it. Then there's hell ta pay.
The Cash Recovery System is a two-step accounts receivable management program that is effective and economical.
Jubilee: Two step?
Aaron: Step one: Wedgie the person next to you. Step two: Deny any
involvement like the government on aliens.
YOU PAY NO COMMISSIONS
Aaron: Except to-
Jubilee and Michaela: KNOCK IT OFF WITH THE RAMONE JOKES ALREADY!!!
Use this program to:
Michaela: Confuse and alienate your friends for fun and profit.
*Maintain control of your accounts receivable.
Jubilee: Either that, or get digital depends undergarments.
*Recover your past due accounts, consumer or commercial.
Aaron: Or Swiss.
*Reduce your administrative costs.
Michaela: You have administrative costs?
Aaron and Jubilee: No.
*Increase your cash flow.
Aaron: What is with this guy? He's obcessed with flow! Is he perverted or what?
*Deal with problem accounts ethically and diplomatically.
All: Ummmmm... NAAAAAAA!!!!!!!
*Encourage regular payments.
(Aaron begins to say something about Ramone, but a dirty look from Jubilee shuts him up.)
*Keep the lines of communication open.
Aaron(In a Scotty voice): I cannae keep the transmission open captain! I DON'T... HAVE... THE POWER!!!!
*List debts all three national credit reporting agencies.
Jubilee: I'd rather sing every word in the English language.
Aaron: It would take about the same amount of time.
Michaela: And be less annoying.
The Cash Recovery System begins with a series of five collection letters, including a letter from an attorney, in which
Jubilee: They sue yer ass off an' feed it ta the sharks.
the debtors pay you directly and you pay no commission on the money you receive.
Jubilee: My mistake.
Unpaid claims are immediately listed with Experian (formerly TRW),
Aaron: And us currently not caring...
TRANSUNION
Jubilee: I knew that this "Ellen comin' out o' the closet" thing's gone too far.
Michaela: It's getting old Jubes.
and EQUIFAX credit reporting bureaus. Debts that remain outstanding may be transferred, with your approval, to more intensive collections where trained telephone collectors contact your debtors.
Aaron: So they can call the mob and track you down.
THE CASH RECOVERY SYSTEM™
Aaron: Works for them.
Professional collection services for less than $20 per account.
Submit debts of any size.
Minimal paperwork.
Jubilee: Especially if ya ain't usin' this offer!
FREE toll-free number 24 hour updates.
Michaela: In other words: they call you so often that you can never get to sleep or go to the bathroom.
Credit reports available.
(Jubilee pafs Aaron.)
Aaron: I WASN'T GOING TO SAY ANYTHING!!!
Jubilee: Ya can never be too careful.
SKIP TRACE Debtor Locator Service(optional)
Michaela: A.K.A: Ramone.
Jubilee: Not ya too Michaela!
Michaela: I just can't help myself.
LITIGATION SERVICES available.
All: EWWWWWWW!!!!!
We are dedicated to making the collection process as easy and effective for you as possible. Our professionals will help and advise you, and our customer service team is just a toll-free phone call away.
Aaron: So's the local pizza joint.
Jubilee: Speakin' a which...
(Jubilee looks around for a phone.)
Aaron: I hid it from you Jube.
Jubilee: Why?
Aaron: Sean was complaining about all the long distance calls to... never mind.
Michaela: But the only person Jubilee calls over the phone besides Wolverine is...
Aaron: Oh crap.
WHAT OTHERS SAY ABOUT NCS.
(An improptu wrestling match begins.)
Aaron: LET ME OUTTA HERE!!!!!!
Jubilee: GIVE UP THE PHONE AND WE'LL LET YA GO!!!
He activates his protective aura and forces them back onto the couch.
** "Having delinquent accounts reported to Experian (formerly TRW), TRANSUNION and EQUIFAX is what we were looking for. National Credit does it for us...
All: GOODNIGHT EVERYBODY PART TWO!
and at no additional cost." - Nancy Otero, Bursar's Office, New York University.
Michaela:<Nancy> Mainly because I was paid many, many dollars to say all of that.
** "We consider National Credit to be a valuable adjunct
Jubilee: But what about Minusjuncts?
to Value Line's in-house staff, rather than an expensive option of last resorts." - Harold Read,
Aaron: Read? Read what? Spider-Man? Fantastic Four? Betty Boop?
CFO, Value Line, Inc.
Jubilee: I want the phone back Aaron.
Aaron: Forget it.
(Aaron pulls the phone out and unscrews the circutry in the reciever.)
Jubilee: UNFAIR!!!!
** "Reasonable rates, tenacious service and high recovery percentage represent the cornerstone of our program providing collections on delinquent accounts for American Chiropractic Association (ACA) members. The program is being provided by National Credit Systems (NCS), one of the nation's leading collection service/accounts receivable management firms.""The differentiating factor with NCS is that members pay only a flat fee for these services, as opposed to companies that charge a percentage of the bill or a flat fee and a percentage. NCS will pursue small and large balances for individual or business accounts and give equal attention to both. In addition, NCS is willing to work with a large or small number of delinquent accounts.
Michaela: Didn't they already tell us all of that?
(Aaron and Jubilee are fighting again, and therefor don't hear Michaela.)
Michaela: Never mind.
FEDERAL DEBT COLLECTION GUIDELINES
Jubilee(panting from exaustion): This oughtta be good...
** "NCS fully complies with all state and federal collections laws and requirements. NCS has the capacity to contact a debtor up to five times.
(Aaron opens his mouth to say something, but shuts up in reply to the restart of Jubilee's sparking.)
If the debtor still has not fulfilled his/her obligation, NCS will report to TRW, TRANSUNION and EQUIFAX at no additional charge." - Abbe Fischler, American Chiropractic Association."
Michaela: Followed by the police, FBI, CIA, and Richard Simmons.
Aaron and Jubilee: WHAT??!!
Michaela: That's enough to get anyone to give in to demands.
Aaron: Agreed.
** "A strong service orientation and competitive rates translate into avaluable benefit for our members." - ACA Executive Vice President J.Ray Morgan.
(Jubilee looks dumbfounded.)
Jubilee: Big words. Brain hurts...
Aaron: That explains a lot.
(Jubilee pafs him again.)
Aaron: If I'm going to be blasted, I'm going to be sure that I deserve it.
** "A high degree of Professionalism is vital to our institution's reputation; after working with NCS for over five years and assigning literally thousands of accounts, we've never been disappointed." - Bonnie Halpern, Executive Assistant, National Fashion Accessory Association.
Jubilee:<Bonnie> Because I'm making the BIG BUCKS!!! YEAH!!!
MINIMAL PAPER WORK
Aaron: And even less brain power too apparently...
** "Paper work had always been a problem when using agencies. For us, the solution continues to be National Credit." - Usha Patel, V.P., American Health Labs.
Aaron: <Usha> Which, by the way, is synomomous with the Fleecing of America.
** "I need to have a person at my collection agency who I know I can always turn to. I've had a good working relationship with my National Credit Consultant for a number of years. NCS realizes that service to the client has to be the number one priority." - Karen Peterson, Divisional Credit Manager, Radix International/CA.
Jubilee: After bein' paid yer weekly bribes from the rich.
** "Our fixed-fee collection agency, National Credit Systems, brought us nearly $300,000 while charging us less than $1500. It was as though a percentage based agency offered to do the collections for a fee of less than 1%!" - Patricia Adiletta, Credit Manager, New York Magazine.
Michaea: And we're supposed to begin caring... when?
Aaron: We're not.
Jubilee: How 'bout some popcorn?
Michaela: Sounds good.
They enter the kitchen and see Leech and Artie.
Aaron: Hey guys!
Leech: Hello Aaron. Hello Jubilee. Hello Michaela.
Jubilee: Yo.
(Artie makes a picture of Aaron, Jubilee, and Michaela around a question mark.)
Leech: Artie wants to know what you are doing.
Aaron: We're making fun of an internet advertisement.
Michaela: They're called spams.
(Artie makes a picture of something square and pink. A no slash sigh is over it.)
Leech: Leech and Artie hate Spam. Tastes yucky.
Jubilee: Ain't gonna argue that. Still, it's better'n Miss Frost's pancakes.
Aaron: The one's that inspire nightmares?
Jubilee: The same.
Michaela: Ouch.
Aaron: And you made faces when I talked about swallowing hot dogs!
(They turn and leave the kitchen, they get halfway back when Jubilee realizes something.)
Jubilee: Guys... we forgot the popcorn.
Aaron and Michaela: D'OH!
(They sit back on the sofa with freshly popped popcorn.)
Aaron: Ready to continue?
Jubilee: No.
Aaron: Too bad.
FREQUENTLY ASKED QUESTIONS (FAQ)
All: NOT BY US BUDDY!
How can I reach National Credit? Our mailing address is National Credit Systems, Inc. 11 East 36th Street, 10th Floor, New York, NY 10016. Our telephone number is (212) 213-3000. ext.1352 Our fax number is (212) 213-3320.
(Aaron writes that down.)
Michaela: Why'd you do that?
Aaron: Now we can stalk them.
How long has National Credit been in business?
Jubilee: Too long if ya ask me.
Micheala: NCS has been in business?
Aaron: Unfortunately.
Since 1984.
Michaela and Jubilee: Yikes.
Is National Credit a member of the American Collector's Association? Yes.
Aaron: Crap. Now I have to destroy my membership card.
National Credit Systems, Inc. has been a member of the American Collector's Association since 1984.
All: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!!!!!!
How does NCS report delinquent accounts to TRW, TRANSUNION and EQUIFAX?
Aaron: Simple. They have eyes and ears everywhere. And plenty of mouths to go along for the ride.
Each month NCS prepares magnetic tapes that are sent to each credit reporting bureau.
Jubilee: Aaron? Do ya think that...?
Aaron: No. Even he would never stoop so low.
These tapes contain new debtor accounts being reported for the first time and updates on debtor accounts that were previously reported.
Aaron: Gee, and here I thought that if you piled on enough debts, you got to go to Disneyworld.
Jubilee: Not a chance. Coney Island.
Michaela: You two are so bizarre.
Aaron and Jubilee: Thanks.
CREDIT BUREAU REPORTS
Aaron: That Ellen is gay and that no one cares.
Will NCS update the credit bureaus when the debtor finally pays the account?
Yes.
Michaela: Unfortunately.
The Fair Credit Reporting Act requires NCS to maintain records of listings with the credit bureaus for seven years.
Michaela: And to be sure that they remind you at every turn, they break every mirror in your home.
Your accounts are online in our computer system so that whenever you receive a payment and notify us, we will immediately update all credit bureaus.
Jubilee: So now they're threatenin' us?
Aaron and Michaela: Yes.
Is it against the law for me to report debtors to credit reporting bureaus? No.
Jubilee: That's right! Everybody loves narcs!
Michaela: Aren't they on Star Trek?
Aaron: What isn't?
The Fair Credit Reporting Act expressly permits the free exchange of credit information.
Jubilee: So spyin' on people is legal now.
Aaron: Precicely.
TRW, TRANSUNION, and EQUIFAX actually solicit this information from court records, credit grantors and collection agencies.
Michaela: To every street vendor in the country.
National Credit remains the only flat-fee agency to report debtor information to the national credit bureaus at no charge.
(All start laughing in a "yeah, right!" kind of way)
What laws regulate the activities of collection agencies? Collection agencies are regulated by the Fair Debt Collection Practices Act administered by the Federal Trade Commission.
Jubilee: In ten words or less, can ya tell us what that means?
Aaron: Yes. They're all on someone else's payroll.
SUPERIOR COLLECTION RATES
Jubilee: Aaron, how long is this?
(Aaron leans back.)
Aaron: You know what they say: misery loves company.
What is NCS's recovery rate? Nationally we recover over 57% of the accounts placed for collection, while the average collection agency's recovery percentage hovers around 18% according to the American Collector's Association.
Jubilee: And this is supposed ta impress us?
Michaela: If it is...
Aaron: It's failing miserably.
When should accounts be placed for collection?
All: NEVER!!!!
The simple rule of thumb is; the sooner the account is placed for collection, the higher the recovery rate.
Jubilee: Like, we've already covered this, what, like five times already?
Obviously, accounts should not be placed at 30 days past due, but a careful analysis of in-house activities usually reveals that payments received from in-house efforts drop off dramatically just after the accounts reach 90 days past due.
Aaron: And they're just now realizing this? This isn't just sad, it's pathetic.
How can I place accounts with NCS for collection?
Michaela: Better question: Why the hell would you want to?
Placing accounts with National Credit can be done several different ways: Debtor information may be submitted on-line. You can use the four part claim form (and mail or fax it to us We accept listings and files generated by your computers. Our MIS department can process your mag tapes.
Jubilee: Come again?
Aaron: Big words. I'll get you some more asprin.
Jubilee: Bring the whole bottle.
How can I locate someone who's mail is being returned? Prior to placing the account for collection, NCS clients can use our "Skip Trace" service.
Jubilee: Now they're rippin' off Star Trek again! Sheesh!
Accounts are matched against credit bureau files and postal change of address files for a small fee per account ($4.00). After a new address is obtained, you may continue to work the account in-house or place it for collection.
Aaron(returning with the bottle of asprin and a water bottle): Or you can ignore it and do the Macarena.
Jubilee(taking a couple pills and a big gulp of water): Or even better still, shoot someone doing the macarena.
Michaela: That's a good idea. Do the planet a favor.
WHY THE SYSTEM WORKS SO WELL
All: BECAUSE PEOPLE ARE STUPID!!!!!
National Credit recovers much more money than traditional contingency agencies for two reasons: First, one of the keys to recovering delinquent accounts is to refer them to the collection agency earlier. As time passes, people move, get sick, lose their jobs, file bankruptcy, etc. Many of these events make an account more difficult, and sometimes impossible to collect. When creditors are faced with the possibility of losing 30, 40 or even 50% of the collected money to the collection agency they naturally wait to place accounts for collection.
(Everybody takes asprin and water)
According to the American Collector's Association (ACA), the average collection account is placed when it is nearly eight months past due!
Aaron: This is facinating. Kind of like seeing if watches can float!(!!)
National Credit's low flat fee allows creditors to place accounts earlier on as early as 60 days past due-when they are more recoverable.
(Jubilee pafs that part off)
Jubilee: RECOVER THIS!
Aaron and Michaela: HEY!! WE WANTED TO DO THAT!
The second factor that affects how much a collection agency will recover has to do with how hard they work on each particular account.
Jubilee: Ta make money?
Aaron: They'd sell their grandmothers!
Jubilee: Can I sell their grandmothers too?
Aaron and Michaela: Yes.
When agencies are working on a contingency fee basis, they aim to maximize their bottom line-not yours.
Aaron: Meanwhile, the cracks on their asses continue to grow in size...
Some agencies will work only the larger balances or the fresher balances.
Aaron: And yet, they are better because of a lack in spam.
Other agencies may take all accounts, but really only concentrate on the local ones that keep their overhead low. When accounts are placed with National Credit each account is worked systematically and thoroughly regardless of its age, size or location.
(All snicker uncontrolably)
CAN NCS WORK FOR YOU?
Michaela: I hope not.
All businesses are different and unique in one way or another. But long experience has taught us that there is little difference between a debtor who is not paying one business and a debtor who is not paying some other business.
Jubilee: That made absolutely no sense.
National Credit is currently successfully collecting for over 9,000 businesses, institutions and professional practices in over 150 different categories of business.
All: Whoopie.
How long does it usually take to collect?
Aaron: Not long enough.
The average time to resolve an account with National Credit is 35 days. Direct remit means that the debtor pays you directly-there is no faster way to get your money!
GET STARTED TODAY
All: NO!
To get started recovering money, simply fill out the order form below.
Indicate where you would like the money sent, and how you intend to pay for the service. Upon receipt of your order will immediately send you a complete Cash Recovery Kit.
Michaela: Finally, something cool. Money.
FEE SCHEDULE
Minimum order - 30 claim forms.
Number Unit Price
30-49 $ 16.50
50-99 13.10
100-99 9.75
200+ Please call.
Jubilee: Math again.
Aaron: Sorry, no calculator.
APPLICATION AND ORDER FORM
Please indicate below where you would like to receive debtor payments and
monthly statements:
Business Name: _
Aaron: Slammeisters.
Attention to: _
Jubilee: Bozo that sent this.
Street Address: _
Michaela: Not gonna happen buddy.
City: State: Zip: _
Aaron: Zip's all you're getting.
Telephone no.: _
Fax no.: _
Your name: _
Aaron: Secret.
Your E-Mail Address: _
Jubilee: yousuck@aol.com
Number _ Unit Price $_
Total (Number x Unit price) $ _
Please print this form and return with payment to:
National Credit Systems, Inc.
Attention: Christopher Rehkow
11 East 36th Street, 10th Floor
New York, NY 10016
Jubilee: Ya got that? Now we track him down...
Credit card orders may be faxed to (212) 213-3320.
Michaela: This is too easy.
Credit Card # _Exp. Date _
Name on Card _
Visa _ Master Card _American Express _
Aaron: MAKE IT STOP!!! PLEASE!!!
TERM AND CONDITIONS
National Credit Systems, Inc. (NCS) guarantees to mail (pre-sorted firstclass mail) up to five (5) collection letters, including an attorney's letter to each account submitted for collection. The letters will be mailed at 14 day intervals with the exception that the interval between the first and second letter will be 21 days. All proceeds will be mailed directly to you, not NCS. In the event that a debtor sends a payment to NCS, the check or money order will be endorsed by us (if necessary) and forwarded to you. National Credit will not deposit debtor payments.
All: Heard this already. Shut up.
Each month in which you have active claims with National Credit, you will receive a detailed Monthly Progress Report. The report details how many letter have been sent, what payments have been received, and your total recoveries to date. Claims submitted to National Credit that remain unpaid after all five letters, or claims that have resulted in mail being returned to us will (at your option) be reported as an "Unpaid Collection Account" to Experian (formerly TRW), TRANSUNION, and Equifax 30 days after the mailing of the fifth letter, or immediately upon receipt of returned mail.
(Aaron fires holes into paper with bee stinger tornados.)
Please call if you need more information, or have any questions about the program.
Sincerely,
Christopher K. Rehkow
Account Representative
(212) 213-3356
Jubilee: This guy has a death wish.
Aaron: Who are we to deny him?
(Chris teleports in.)
Chris: Hey! What am I doing here?!
(He sees the two mutants and begins to scream...)
THE END... I hope...