[Roll Mystery Science Theater 3000 sixth season opening reel]
[Fade in to the Satellite Of Love's bridge. Crow T. Robot is behind a
table littered with comic books of all kinds. Tom Servo is on top, comics
piled helter-skelter around his hoverskirt. Mike Nelson stands nearby,
examining an issue of Chaos! Comics' Lady Death, his face a constantly
changing mask of fascination, fear, and revulsion.]
CROW: You are SUCH a loser, Servo. I don't understand how you can read
those things anymore!
TOM: Crow, you don't even know what you're talking about. Comic books
are a special artistic medium.
CROW: Special like _Manos_ is a VERY special kind of movie- crappy!
TOM: Arrrrrgh... Surely you wouldn't think to condemn the whole for the
sins of only some? For every Youngblood, there's three issues of Neil
Gaiman's Sandman and the Books of Magic. For every piece of crass,
illiterate commercial dreck like Spawn, Razor, and Heros Reborn, there's a
shining, innovative gem like Strangers in Paradise, the Tick, and Untold
Tales of Spider-Man!
CROW: Sorry, Tom. When gangrene sets in, you amputate the limb to
prevent spreading.
[Tom gasps - nay, chokes - with shock]
CROW: The industry is full of corrupt, no-talent hacks who churn out
uncreative material based on the lowest common denominator of what was
commercially successful last week, wrapped up in a pretty package.
Mediocrity is fed to the masses and THEY EAT IT! Another all-Extreme
Studios crossover must not be allowed to happen, whatever the price.
TOM: [falters slightly, then comes back in full force] I agree with you
there... But I won't forsake creativity over general association! Mike!
Talk some sense into this intemperate zealot!
MIKE: [has forsaken Lady Death and is perusing a Batman book] Don't
look at me, Tommy, I'm not going to get involved in this one. The issue
of the state of the comics buisiness is a heavy subject, and I'm just not
interested in that. I will say that I used to enjoy the X-Men books so
much more in the '80s, I miss Chris Claremont; the Morlocks, and the old
Hellfire Club. [shrugs and turns the page] It's only comic books.
TOM: Suuuure, sit comfortably on that fence of yours while THIS MAN
[twists abrubtly in Crow's direction and quivers] preaches extremist
measures! [to Crow] Anything to say for yourself, Dr. Frederic Wertham,
Jr.?
CROW: Ooooh, them's fightin words, domehead.
TOM: Come and get it, beakface.
[Mads light starts flashing]
MIKE: Face front, guys. Beautiful Dreamer and Ape are calling. [Mike
pushes the button, 'Bots pay no attention and continue arguing]
[Doctor Clayton Forrester and TV's Frank appear on the viewscreen]
[Deep 13]
DR. F: Good afternoon, Tessa. Well, well, what have you there? [Doctor
Forrester squints his beady eyes and leans forward] Is that the Top Cow
Swimsuit Special? [clicks tongue] Getting lonely up there, Nelson?
[SOL]
MIKE: [Blushes and thrusts the comic behind his back] It's - uh - it's
just the cover. I use it to disguise issues of Power Pack, so the 'Bots
don't know what I'm really reading.
['Bots are still bickering, Tom Servo's arms are flailing uselessly in
frustration]
[Deep 13]
FRANK: Power Pack?! I used to love that book! [Frank chuckles quietly
and gazes off into space] Those kids got into the WACKIest adventures...
Remember when Jack and Katie were chasing after those bad guys, and Katie
had to go to the bathroom? Hahahahahahah- OW! Steeeeeve, whu'd 'ou do
dat for? [Pouts and holds nose]
DR. F: Quiet, booby. We've got something special for our subjects today.
Nelson, do you and your little friends have many... MARVEL books up there?
[Forrester grins maliciously]
[SOL]
MIKE: Ummmmm... [Shifts uncomfortably] Well, not many dated after 1990
or '91.
[Deep 13]
DR. F: There's an excellent reason for that, one which you'll be
wretchedly aware of for the duration of today's experiment; Uncanny X-Men
#338. [Forrester wrings his hands] May BOB introduce you to whole new
levels of deep hurting. Push the button, Frank.
FRANK: [Flipping through Power Pack #25] I wonder why Silver Surfer and
the Fantastic Four haven't run into the Snarks or Kymellians...
DR. F: PUSH IT, FRANK!
FRANK: [Frank flinches and drops his comic] Yes, Queen Mother Maraud.
[Frank pushes the button, just before Forrester brains him with a huge
rubber mallet]
[SOL]
ALL: AHHHHH!!! WE GOT COMIC BOOK SIGN!!!
*... 5... 4... 3... 2... 1...
[Mike and the 'Bots enter the theater]
CROW: Well, here we go, guys...
> Uncanny X-Men #338
> "A Hope Reborn, A Past Reclaimed"
TOM: A Bridge Too Far
MIKE: A Passage To India
> Featuring the Uncanny X-Men!
> A Stan Lee Presentation
> Scott Lobdell: writer
TOM: Hey didn't he used to be a stand-up comic?
CROW: Yeah.
MIKE: So now he's a comics comic!
TOM: They're not "comics" they're _graphic_novels_!
> Joe Maduriera with Salvador Larocca: pencils
> Tim Townsend with Vince Russell: inks
TOM: Any relation to Pete Townsend?
MIKE: Yeah, but Pete hasn't heard from him in awhile.
TOM: Owww...
> Richard Starkings & Comicraft/kF: letters
> Steve Buccellato & Team Bucce!: colors
> Bob Harras: editor & chief
CROW: I'll bet Anita Hill hates this guy.
MIKE: No, that's "harass".
TOM: Oh, I know, he owns a hotel in Vegas.
MIKE: No, that's "Harrah's".
> (Angel is on the floor of a room in his apartment; both he and the room
> are looking rough)
> He was NAMED after his father ... and his FATHER'S father, before him.
CROW: And his father's father's FATHER. And his father's father's-
MIKE: Enough.
> WARREN KENNETH WORTHINGTON III was born into a LIFE of PRIVILEGE. While
> it's generally accepted that money CAN'T BUY happiness
TOM: Who started that silly rumor?
MIKE: Trent Reznor?
> -- his family fortune seemed DESTINED to insure a lifestyle RELATIVELY
> FREE of unnecessary hardships.
[all do Robin Leach accents]
TOM: But full of swanky parties, casual sex, fast cars, expensive
champagne...
MIKE: ...people who call you "sir", chalets in Vail, parties catered by
Wolfgang Puck...
CROW: ...at least three loveless marriages, children named Buffy and
Chip you barely know, and support to the Republican party!
> OBVIOUSLY ... it HASN'T WORKED out that way.
CROW: I guess NOT.
TOM: Are they gonna keep shouting like that?
CROW: I THINK SO.
TOM: Aaah!
> OZYMANDIAS: And STILL you struggle?
TOM: "Ozymandias"?
Mike: It's Ozzie Menendez! The third Menendez brother!
CROW: [cowboy accent] Get a rope.
> ANGEL: W-who ... are you..?
CROW: Can't you read? It's "Ozymandias"
TOM: I wonder if he's any relation to Cameron Diaz?
> OZYMANDIAS: A name would mean NOTHING to you.
MIKE: Yeah, what's in a name?
> It is ENOUGH for you to KNOW ... I serve HE who was once EN SABAH NUR.
>
> ANGEL: APOCALYPSE?!
TOM: No, EN SABAH NUR. Boy, this guy can't read OR hear!
> OZYMANDIAS: Over the CENTURIES, I have QUESTIONED the High Lord's
> wisdom. I have PUZZLED over his FASCINATION with PARTICULAR mutants he
> chose to focus his attention on.
CROW: Saaayyyyy...
> But you... you are the one over whom I ARGUED with the DARK LORD --
MIKE: [while TOM does deep breathing] "Luke, I AM your father!"
> When he DEEMED you WORTHY of SURVIVAL. I SEE now ... I was WRONG.
> You ARE a survivor, Angel.
TOM: [singing] "The eye of the ti-ger!"
> ANGEL: angel?
TOM: How did a guy THIS slow on the uptake ever make it as an X-Man?
> OZYMANDIAS: Just as Apocalypse always CLAIMED you were. MORE'S the
> pity.
TOM: Actually, I think Moore's a babe! [growwl]
CROW: I loved her in _Striptease_!
[Mike & Tom look at Crow]
CROW: Not that I saw _Striptease_... Heh...
> ANGEL: W-why..? My GUTS...
MIKE: [as in Pepto Bismol commercial] In-di-ges-tion...
> on FIRE ...
TOM: Try Cruex.
MIKE: [singing] "Oh, oh, oh, I'm on fire!"
> Wh--s HAPPENING t'me..?
MIKE: [as Angel] Lsing vwels... TLKING in ALL CPS... sl'ring wrds...
> OZYMANDIAS: You recall your TRANSFORMATION into ARCHANGEL
ALL: [as Sally Struthers] Sure, we all do!
> -- the metal-winged Horseman known as DEATH?
MIKE: Death? I love that comic!
TOM: It's a-
MIKE: I know, I know... A graphic novel.
TOM: Actually, it was a couple of limited series.
> That was ONLY the beginning. Know this, o little mutant --
MIKE: [singing] "Of Bethlehem / How still we see thee lie..."
> The man who turns KINGS into SLAVES...
TOM: Lower case words into ALL CAPS...
> who takes away the GIFT of vision and replaces it with the CURSE of
> eternal sight ...
CROW: Well, sure, I mea- huh?
> has SMILED upon you. May WHATEVER god you worship PROTECT your soul.
MIKE: Ah. That's the PC version of "Say your prayers, rabbit!"
> He is suddenly GRIPPED by a PAIN he has not felt since he LOST the
> FEATHERED wings with grew from his back at AGE THIRTEEN.
MIKE: Boy, and I thought _I_ had problems during puberty!
TOM: [sings] "While you were sittin' home alone at age thirteen, your
real daddy was dyin'..."
> For a MOMENT, his agony is such that it FEELS as if he's DYING. When in
> TRUTH -- HE IS ABOUT TO BE REBORN!
ALL: STOP SHOUTING!
> (His metal wings shatter, revealing white bird-like wings underneath)
> ANGEL: My WINGS ... how..?
>
> In the INSTANT before he PASSES OUT from the SHOCK to his SYSTEM ...
> Warren Worthington realizes that after far, far too long, he is ONCE
> AGAIN ... WHOLE. The question that burns in this mind is why?
TOM: Why ask why?
> THE DANGER ROOM (observation booth) -- At the XAVIER INSTITUTE OF
> HIGHER LEARNING in WESTCHESTER COUNTY,
TOM: That's it- I'm going deaf.
CROW: What? I can't hear you above all this shouting!
> New York ... STORM, the leader of the X-MEN ...
MIKE: How can you call it the "X-MEN" if the leader's a woman?
> the visiting FORMER AVENGER known as QUICKSILVER ...
MIKE: He's mercury?
CROW: Well...
TOM: Hey, isn't Mercury where Rosie from _Space_Cases_ is from?
[MIKE & TOM look at CROW]
CROW: [cough, cough] Not that I watch the show...
> and the mutant called WOLVERINE ... are witnesses to the fantastic.
TOM: Wait, isn't that the "Four's" adjective?
CROW: Yeah- they should be witnesses to the uncanny.
TOM: Except for Quickie, who should be witness to the mighty.
> STORM: By the GODDESS -- His REACTION is INCREDIBLE.
MIKE: Not a WORD, Crow.
CROW: [innocent whistling]
> WOLVERINE: I hate to admit it, darlin' -- But I'm IMPRESSED.
MIKE: Oh, lord...
TOM: I'm not sure Crow's gonna make it through this scene Mike...
MIKE: If you do, Crow, I'll give you a RAM chip!
CROW: Ummmm... Ok.
> QUICKSILVER: This is foolish at best, dangerous at worst.
TOM: And just really damn stupid somewhere in the middle.
> BEAST: Au contraire, Pierre. We're running these TESTS for a REASON.
> We need to know WHAT our FRIEND DOWN THERE KNOWS and what he
> REMEMBERS. This exercise would seem the SAFEST way to do that.
>
> SEVERAL HUNDRED FEET BELOW...
CROW: The Danger Room is hundreds of feet deep, now?
> (They are watching a holographic recreation of one of the original
> X-Men's battles with Magneto.)
>
> PHOENIX: Are you sure you can handle this?
MIKE: Why, yes I can, Phoenix. How about you, Tucson?
CROW: No, problemo. But I'm not sure Flagstaff here can...
> JOSEPH: I... DON'T know what to SAY.
CROW: I've never seen one so BIG before!
MIKE: There goes your RAM chip, Crow....
CROW: Damn....
> ...in the DANGER ROOM of the UNCANNY X-MEN -- A HOLOGRAPHIC RECORDS
TOM: Didn't they just buy out Tidal Wave?
> program is being run.
MIKE: It's the holodeck!
> On mute.
MIKE: OK, so it's Marlee Matlin's holodeck....
TOM: Owwww...
> Regardless of the ABSENCE of SOUND however ...
MIKE: Everyone still feels the NEED to SHOUT EVERYTHING!
> this horrifying TABLEAU speaks VOLUMES to the young man who has come to
> simply call himself JOSEPH.
TOM: [as "Joseph"] I am JOSEPH. Thanks, I had to get that off my
chest. Buh-bye now.
> JOSEPH: JEAN, there is so much ANGER -- So much HATRED in those eyes.
> In... MY eyes? This is the man I USED to be?
>
> PHOENIX: You tell ME, Joseph.
MIKE: [as "Joseph"] I asked you first.
CROW: [falsetto] Well, I asked you second!
MIKE: [as "Joseph"] Copycat!
CROW: [falsetto] I'm telling!
> What do you feel when you stare into that face?
CROW: Isn't that kind of personal?
MIKE: CROW!
> JOSEPH: NOTHING. Only a vast emptiness.
TOM: Oh... He's watching _Baywatch_.
> PHOENIX: That's PROBABLY a good sign. As we've EXPLAINED,
CROW: [condescending tone] In really small words, to be sure you
UNDERSTAND...
> you used to be known as MAGNETO. Your GOAL was to insure that we
> MUTANTS dominated the world in order to ensure our SURVIVAL. And you
> didn't care who got hurt as a result. The fact that you have no
> EMOTIONAL CONNECTION ... suggests that Professor Xavier's mindwipe all
> those months ago was NEAR total.
MIKE: See, destroying people's minds is a GOOD thing!
TOM: Ahhhh...
CROW: Wait a minute- "months ago"? Wasn't it like two YEARS ago?
TOM: This is comic book time, Crow- it works completely different from
real world time.
CROW: Oh, yeah...
MIKE: Which explains how Jean's been around since 1963 and still looks
like THAT!
> JOSEPH: Perhaps. But if I cannot RECALL the SINS of my PAST -- am I
> not DESTINED to REPEAT them?
CROW: Only if it'll help sales.
> PHOENIX: THAT'S why we're here. To take you THROUGH your life -- ONE
> STEP at a TIME.
MIKE: [singing] "Just put one day in front of another..."
TOM: Baby steps through World War II... Baby steps through Israel...
Baby steps through Cape Citadel...
> JOSEPH: In a WAY, I suppose that's the REASON I SOUGHT you in the FIRST
> place -- Even before I encountered ROGUE and she led me to you. But
> there's something I DON'T understand.
CROW: [as "Joseph"] How a character as cool as me could get stuck in a
lame story line like this one.
MIKE: [as "Joseph"] Why in the name of God did Storm do that to her
hair?!
> CYCLOPS: FIRE away. FIGURATIVELY.
TOM: [haughty, baritone laugh] Ho-ho-ho ho ho... [sigh] Somebody kill
me...
> CYCLOPS. SCOTT SUMMERS -- Husband to Jean "Phoenix" Grey. The FIRST
> X-MAN.
MIKE: Oh, so HE'S the guy responsible!
CROW: Get 'im, "Joseph"!
> And in ABSENCE of PROFESSOR XAVIER -- HEIR APPARENT to both the PRIDE
> and PROBLEMS which ACCOMPANY the leadership ...
CROW: Among them; How to keep shouting every other word.
> of a team that is both FEARED and HATED by the world it is sworn to
> PROTECT.
MIKE: Geez, you think the world would be more gracious...
> JOSEPH: Although I have NO RECOLLECTION of this, I assure you
TOM: Consider yourself lucky, pal...
> -- it appears I spent YEARS trying to KILL all of you..?
TOM: But you failed. [sigh]
> CYCLOPS: AND?
CROW: AH! Stop that!
> JOSEPH: And YET ... you accept me into your HOME. You WELCOME me --
TOM: [as Cyclops] Well, we're kinda stupid that way.
MIKE: This is the same team that let in Wolverine AND Sabretooth...
Can we say "death wish"?
> offer to TRAIN ME in the USE of my POWERS. You... TRUST... me. You
> trust me when I do not KNOW that I can TRUST MYSELF.
TOM: [singing] "Trust! Who do ya... Trust! What makes you a real
lover? Trust!"
> GAMBIT: Don't go gettin' all EXCITED, MON AMI...
CROW: Sayyyy...
MIKE: [putting hand on Crow's shoulder] Stop.
[Crow's beak snaps closed]
> Call him GAMBIT.
MIKE: Call me Ishmael.
TOM: Call me a cab so I can get out of this story!
> Or REMY LeBEAU. Or any of MANY aliases he used when he was the most
> SKILLED member of the infamous THIEVE'S GUILD ...
CROW: That top-secret, infamous Thieve's Guild that no one is supposed
to know about.
> before he too joined the X-Men. For REASONS all his OWN.
TOM: But mainly for their comprehensive health coverage and sensible
pension plan.
> GAMBIT: ...DESE people even accepted ME. Dat should tell ya what a
> POOR JUDGE of CHARACTER dey are.
CROW: They also accepted Rogue.
TOM: I'm starting to see how Angel could be a member.
> JOSEPH: Point taken.
MIKE: Where?
TOM: To hell in a handbasket, along with the rest of this crappy script.
> QUICKSILVER: It is XAVIER'S doing. When he founded this group of
> PERPETUAL ALTRUISTS
CROW: Oh, so it's HIS fault!
> -- NAIVETE aside -- the professor INSTILLED in them a sense that given
> the TIME -- the OPPORTUNITY -- NO ONE was ever TRULY BEYOND
> REDEMPTION.
CROW: Not even Jeffery Dahmer?
MIKE: Adolf Hilter?
TOM: Bob Harras?
CROW: Oww...
> Even you ... father.
TOM: [As Quicksilver as Luke] You're not my father! That's impossible!
I'll never join you!
> JOSEPH: Do you ALL BELIEVE that?
MIKE: [as random X-Man] No, not really.
> (Psylocke emerges through a shadow on the wall.)
>
> PSYLOCKE: A question for ANOTHER TIME, perhaps, Magneto. But as of
> now, we have more IMMEDIATE concerns.
CROW: [falsetto] I've got a wedgie that just won't quit, could you give
me a hand here?
> The mutant called PSYLOCKE SHOULDN'T be able to do this.
TOM: Fashion sense, good taste, common sense, and the law, among other
things, strictly prohibit that costume.
CROW: Hah-chee-MAMA! And her anatomy...
MIKE: [as Scotty] Ye cannae change the laws of physics, captain!
> BETSY BRADDOCK is a TELEPATH... TRAINED as a NINJA.
TOM: [in the tune of the "TMNT" theme] Telepathic Ninja ba-abe!
Telepathic Ninja ba-abe!
> Up until this moment -- to the best of her TEAMMATES' KNOWLEDGE
MIKE: But as we've already seen, they're not very bright...
CROW: So that's not really saying much, is it?
> -- MELTING out of shadows was NOT among her MUTANT REPERTOIRE.
CROW: Betsy- she melts in your mouth, not in the shadows!
MIKE: Crow...
CROW: Aw, c'mon, Mike- that was BEGGING to be said.
MIKE: OK, ok... But anymore lurid comments, and I'm ripping off your
web.
> PSYLOCKE: I'm afraid something TERRIBLE has happened to WARREN. What
> are you staring at? Did I do something wrong?
TOM: She walks around in a outfit like THAT then wonders why everyone is
staring at her?
> STORM: Not at all, Elizabeth. But you must admit the new manifestation
> of power is ... Unsettling.
MIKE: And stupid...
> PSYLOCKE: Is it, windrider? My apologies. Apparently the crimson
> elixir that saved my life did MORE than merely add this scarlet mark to
> my face.
TOM: [as Psylocke] It's called plot convenience- I'll suddenly develop
any ability I need to save you guys at the last possible minute, no
matter how little sense it makes.
> But that is not what I've come to discuss. Earlier today, I went to
> WARREN'S apartment.
TOM: Sayyyy...
MIKE: Not you TOO, Tom?
> As you know, his recovery from Sabretooth's attack has been erratic at
> best. But when I got there, he was gone without a trace. Except for
> ... this. (In Psylocke's hand, she holds a giant white feather.)
CROW: OH MY GOD! He's been captured by a roc!
TOM: Wasn't that that lame Alpha Flight villain?
CROW: No, that was "Rok".
> BROOKLYN.
>
> ANGEL: don't ... UN'RSTAND. i SHOULD be happy -- AM happy -- 'bout
> REAL wings.
TOM: Ah, geez, Warren's drunk again!
CROW: That's what he gets for having Siryn as his sponsor.
> but instead of SHARING the news ... with the X-MEN -- with BETTS
CROW: Place your bets!
> ... i'm drawn HERE!
MIKE: I'm not here, I'm just drawn that way!
> but WHY?!
CROW: We don't know.
TOM: We don't CARE.
> The answer -- In PART -- Lies several stories BELOW... -- In the church
> confessional.
CROW: Louis de Pont du Lac was there, killing a priest.
MIKE: Oh, not TOO obscure...
> PYRO: CHHRACH!
MIKE: -The hell?
CROW: It's Foghorn Leghorn's baby ostrich!
> PADRE: That's QUITE a cough there, son. RELAX, take your TIME.
TOM: And have some parsley, sage, and rosemary, too.
> PYRO: That's just IT, Padre. I don't *gak* HAVE the time!
TOM: [as Pyro, sobbing] I lost my WATCH!
> I needed to *brougk* talk to SOMEONE ... to WARN them ... about... HER!
ALL: NOOOOO!!
TOM: Wait... Isn't Her the female version of Adam Warlock?
CROW: Ummm... Yeah....
TOM: Ah. Well, she seems pretty harmless to me...
[Mike and the 'Bots leave the theater]
1... 2... 3... 4... 5... *
[Fade in to the Satellite of Love's Bridge. Mike and the 'Bots are
positioned on and around the table again, Mike is trying to tidy up the
piles of comics.]
CROW: [smugly] I rest my case, Tommy Boy!
TOM: [bitterly] Alright, alright! So Marvel Comics deserves to be
razed to the ground.
CROW: Say, how many Pepsi points did we need to get the Harrier, again?
TOM: Oooh! We're almost there..!
[Mike is flipping through Uncanny X-Men #183 when movie lights start
flashing]
ALL: AHHHHH!!! WE GOT COMIC BOOK SIGN!!!
*... 5... 4... 3... 2... 1...
[Mike and the 'Bots enter the theater]
> SAN DIEGO. The campaign trail.
CROW: Bob Dole is in his campaign bus downing martinis and sobbing like
a baby.
> ANNOUNCER: Please WELCOME to the stage the NEXT president of the United
> States, the protector of HUMANS' rights ... GRAYDON CREED!
MIKE: Let's all give him a big hand!
ALL: [cheering noises]
> ICEMAN: Excuse me, sir. MR. JAMESON?
MIKE: [as Jameson] AH! Don't shout like that! You nearly gave me a
heart attack!
> JAMESON: Yes?
>
> ICEMAN: I know you're here with the PRESS CORPS, but STILL -- No one
> is allowed to SMOKE in here.
CROW: [as Jameson] Bite me.
> JAMESON: There are a lot of things that aren't SUPPOSED to be happening
> here, son. But they ARE.
CROW: [as Iceman] Well, yeah, I gue- huh?
> ICEMAN: Can you be more CRYPTIC?
CROW: Can you be more annoying?
> JAMESON: I'm talking about you BLASTED WOLVES in SHEEP'S CLOTHING --
MIKE & CROW: Baah, bahh...
TOM: Hoooowwwlll... D'OH!
> Trying to win an ELECTION by playing on people's fear of mutants. I'm
> the PUBLISHER of the DAILY BUGLE, a newspaper predicated on the
> PRECEPTS of free SPEECH -- and the responsibility that comes with FREE
> THOUGHT.
TOM: Maybe we should lock this guy up with Rush Limbaugh for about a
week...
MIKE: At _least_.
> Whether you're talking about MUTANTS or the MIDDLE EAST or -- or
> PUBLIC HOUSING and HEALTHCARE REFORM -- People need to make up their
> OWN MINDS
CROW: [as Jameson] Even if I have to tell them what that might be!
MIKE: Love me, fear me, do everything I say- and I will be your slave.
> about the ISSUES! INSTEAD, they get SCARED and line up behind the
> SHEPHERD DU JOUR --
TOM: Oh, you know, I bet that goes great with a nice red wine!
CROW: Oh, yeah!
> and follow him up the side of the mountain and right up over the FLAMING
> CLIFF!
ALL: [as if falling off a cliff] Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!
> I'm TELLING you, kid, I've SEEN this happen BEFORE. I'll be DAMNED if
> I'm going to stand by and watch it happen AGAIN!
TOM: I think Jameson has some "issues" to deal with.
CROW: I'd say...
> ICEMAN: (thinks) Well, who'da thought?
MIKE: Not you...
TOM: Which makes him perfect for the X-Men!
> GOOD for you, Jonah! What's the EXPRESSION, about politics making
> STRANGE BEDFELLOWS?
CROW: Sa-... Ummm [cough, cough]....
TOM: I guess that "Iceman is gay" rumor is true!
> J. JONAH JAMESON may have been the LAST person I would have EXPECTED to
> meet --
MIKE: [as Iceman] But now I have... And he's sooo dreamy... Just like
his pictures!
> when CYCLOPS decided the X-MEN should keep as CLOSE an eye on Creed's
> anti-mutant campaign ... even if it means going UNDERCOVER. So far so
> GOOD, but I can't SHAKE this feeling of --
CROW: Not being about to finish my-
> MS. ALVAREZ: MR. ROBERTS?
ALL: AH!
> ICEMAN: Eh?
MIKE: He's Canadian?
CROW: No, no, that's Woverine's schtick.
> MS. ALVAREZ: DRAKE Roberts?
TOM: [as Iceman] I _could_ be, for you, babe!
CROW: Wait, isn't he-
MIKE: Shush, Crow...
> ICEMAN: (thinks) It's ACTUALLY Robert Drake, but while I'm here
> undercover...
MIKE: I hope she can't read minds.
CROW: Or captions.
TOM: Switching his first and last names... _Clever_.
> ICEMAN: That's me, and you arrre..?
TOM: And this is pertaining tooooooo..?
CROW: Wait, now he's trilling his "r's"?
MIKE: He's Scottish?
TOM: Oh great, he's Canadian, he's Scottish- he's all over the map!
CROW: Pick an accent and stick with it, Bobby!
> MS. ALVAREZ: CARLY ALVAREZ, volunteer coordinator of CREED '96. If you
> come with me, I'd like to introduce you to Mr. Creed's new personal
> assistant.
TOM: Mr. Roberts, Mr. Manson; Mr. Manson, Mr. Roberts.
> ICEMAN: It seems like support for our candidate is growing every day.
>
> MS. ALVAREZ: HONESTLY, Drake -- It's a little more COMPLICATED than
> that.
TOM: [falsetto] You insipid, doddering fool!
MIKE: God, I hope she doesn't do a Perot on us and pull out a pie chart!
'BOTS: AH!
> When Graydon started out, there were a lot of FRIENDS-OF-HUMANITY
> hangers-on. For POLITICAL reasons, it was necessary to DISTANCE himself
> from them,
CROW: [as Iceman] Zzzzz... [snort] Huh? I'm sorry... [yawn] What
were you saying?
> there sometimes RADICAL views could conceivably HURT HIM in Middle
> America. With the campaign's INFRASTRUCTURE GONE, a LOT of SHOES have
> needed to be filled.
MIKE: [as Alvarez] So we went to Payless! We got some great bargains!
> Drake Roberts, meet SAMSON GUTHRY.
>
> ICEMAN: SAM GUTHRIE, Eh?
TOM: No, "SAMSON GUTHRY". Geez...
CROW: Yep, definitely X-Man material.
MIKE: [as Iceman] You've got an even less creative alias than me!
> CANNONBALL: With a "y". Nice to MEET you, sir.
MIKE: Amazing how he can sense the spelling of a spoken word.
CROW: [nodding] Just amazing.
MIKE: And how this exchange doesn't seem at all suspicious.
CROW: Oh, yeah!
> At that moment, somewhere in the air over New York City...
ALL: [cough, cough, cough]
> PSYLOCKE: Anything yet, HANK?
CROW: [falsetto] No? A little lower and to the left? We'll cure your
impotence yet!
MIKE: [smacks Crow] Knock it off, I said!
TOM: Real subtle, Crow...
> BEAST: BARELY a blip, Betsy. Not SURPRISING though, considering the
> PASSIVE NATURE of Archangel's MUTATION.
MIKE: Ah, he's passive-aggressive.
CROW: That explains a lot.
> Gambit, be an AMIGO and change our course so that Cerebro -- The
> trademarked MUTANT DETECTION SYSTEM --
CROW: [as announcer] Can be yours for JUST $199.95! But wait- there's
more!
> Might better PINPOINT our woebegone winged wonder.
TOM: Ah; alliteration.
CROW: He's a literate alliterator!
> GAMBIT: Hang a LEFT or a RIGHT?
>
> BEAST: LEFT.
CROW: [singing] "...my heart in San Francisco."
> GAMBIT: You couldna' just SAID dat, mon ami?
TOM: Oh no, then he wouldn't have been able to slide in that subtle
description of Cerebro's abilities without being heavy-handed.
> JOSEPH: Enough is ENOUGH, Logan.
MIKE: Sayyy.... Oh, now you guys got ME doing it!
'BOTS: Hehehehe...
> WHY do you keep STARING at me -- WHAT is it you see?
CROW: A butterfly!
TOM: No, no, _obviously_ it's a Christmas tree.
> WOLVERINE: YOU tell me... "Joseph".
MIKE: It's no wonder he hangs out with these guys, they all talk like
psychologists.
CROW: Lobdell needs writing lessons; don't you agree, Servo?
TOM: I don't know, Crow, what do YOU think?
> BEAST: Oh happy day, LADY and GENTLEMEN! In the THUMBS UP department,
TOM: Oh, great, now he's Siskel. Or Ebert.
CROW: Well, he's certainly not bald enough to be Siskel.
> Cerebro has FOUND him. Vis-a-vis, thumbs down..? He's NOT ALONE.
> There's ANOTHER mutant nearby.
MIKE: [as X-Man] Great! Let's ask him to join!
CROW: Especially if he's got a criminal record- and if he's personally
tried to kill us, he's a shoo-in!
> GAMBIT: Mes amis -- DE CHURCH?! It's ON FIRE?!
TOM: I dunno- is it?
MIKE: <singing> Oh, oh, oh, I'm on fire!
> WOLVERINE: Judgin' by the SILHOUETTE, bub ... Looks like whoever LIVED
> in there must have had his OWN GUARDIAN ANGEL!
>
> PSYLOCKE: Warren, your wings --?!
>
> ANGEL: Aren't IMPORTANT RIGHT NOW. This priest needs HELP.
TOM: He's given his life over to a theology riddled with contradiction
and farce; with a history of causing endless evil, that plays upon his
greatest fears and desires; conveniently proving to him that everything
his narrow mind wants to believe is right!
> GAMBIT: I don't get it. His original wings were amputated! It is
> possible dey could... grow back?!
CROW: Well, apparently!
MIKE: So, wait- these guys have all these weird powers, have traveled to
other planets and dimensions, and have all died and come back to life at
LEAST once- and they're shocked about THIS?
> WOLVERINE: *SNIFF SNIFF* You've been with the X-Men long ENOUGH,
> LeBeau
TOM: [as Gambit] Still, it makes me uncomfortable when you sniff by butt
like that in greeting... Logan, please stop humping my leg.
> -- To know that ANYTHING is possible.
MIKE: Told ya!
TOM: Oh, so now he's The 8th Doctor?
MIKE: Or Lestat.
CROW: THERE'S two people I'd love to see in a room together...
> PADRE: ..but he's IN... there ... *cough* *cough* ...he's STILL...
> in there!
TOM: It's got a beat, and I can dance to it!
CROW: [singing] "He's still... in there..."
MIKE: [cough, cough]
CROW: [singing] "He's still... in there..."
MIKE: [cough, cough]
[Tom bobs and jiggles around]
> GAMBIT: What's he talking about, Logan? Is anybody STILL ALIVE in
> dere?
MIKE: [as Wolverine] What are you askin' ME for? I'm not psychic fer
cryin' out loud!
> WOLVERINE: According to this SCENT I'm pickin' up, yeah. There's
> SOMEBODY in there. OLD SPARRIN' PARTNER of ours ... by the name o'
> PYRO! For OBVIOUS reasons.
CROW: He's a flaming-?
MIKE: Ok, that's IT!
[MIKE rips off CROW's webbing amidst much protest and screaming from CROW
and tosses it across the theater]
MIKE: And the rest of your head goes next, you lech.
TOM: Yowza!
> BEAST: If ANYONE needs me, I'll be ... SOMEWHERE else!
CROW: OH, gee, HE'S a big help! Thanks for your support, Hank!
> WOLVERINE: Get the ole man out of here, BEAST! WE'LL deal with the
> FLAME CREATURE.
>
> GAMBIT: SURE, we will, mon ami. Any SUGGESTIONS?
ALL: Run away! Run away!
> PYRO: What are you doing here, X-MEN?! I didn't WANT it to end this
> way! Didn't mean to start this fire!
MIKE: Then it's a good thing he didn't, since starting fire isn't in his
"mutant repartoire".
> I'm DYING, YES, you KNOW that ... but I don't want to take ANY of you
> WITH me!
TOM: Ummm... Doesn't this guy HATE the X-Men?
> GAMBIT: Just as well ... seein' as we got OTHER PLANS!
TOM: So, you DO want him to take you with him?
> PYRO: You're WASTING your energy, MATE! Your KINETICALLY CHARGED
> CARDS evaporate before they explode.
TOM: Premature, kinda like... Well, ask Rogue... Hehehe....
MIKE: Tom... Don't make me have to throw you across the room, too.
> JOSEPH: Clearly they DO, "PYRO".
MIKE: [as "Joseph"] I'm so above all of you peons that I say your names
as if the were in quotes! HA!
> Perhaps a more direct assault is in order?
MIKE: One direct assault comin' up! And where's that flanking group
I asked for? C'mon, I got customers out here!
> PYRO: WHA--?! The METAL in the FENCING... you're magnetically
> CONTROLLING IT?!
CROW: Thank you, Mr. Exposition.
> But only ONE MAN is CAPABLE of doing that!
MIKE: The wheels are turning....
> You...
CROW: He's almost got it...
> you're the man that originally BROUGHT our group TOGETHER -- The one who
> STARTED this whole mess! you're... Magneto?
TOM: TOUCHDOWN!
> JOSEPH: Once. Now I am the man who is going to CRUSH you beneath that
> steel if you do not extinguish these FLAMES.
TOM: That's "not talking like Magneto" for you.
CROW: [as "Joseph"] I crush your head! I'm crushing your heads!
> WOLVERINE: BACK OFF, KID!
MIKE: "Kid"? Wait- so Wolverine's older?
TOM: Well, seeing as Magneto was a teenager in WWII, and Wolverine's
OLDER than DIRT, I'd have to go with Wolvie oh this one.
MIKE: Ok. Oh, and Tom?
TOM: Yes?
MIKE: Faaaannnboooyyy!
> We're here to TAKE HIM DOWN, Joseph -- Not T'KILL him if he DON'T do
> what we ask him to.
MIKE: So, they're gonna "Take him down-"
CROW: No, that's "TAKE HIM DOWN"
MIKE: Sorry... So, they're supposed to "TAKE HIM DOWN", but not kill
him? I mean, doesn't "take him down" MEAN to kill him?
CROW: You'd think Wolvie would know that, huh?
TOM: Maybe they're talking about altering his pants?
> In ANOTHER time and place, this young man would have KILLED Wolverine
> for LESS. That was a DIFFERENT young man.
MIKE: In fact, he wasn't a young man...
TOM: In fact, he's not even in these comics. Forget I mentioned it. I
don't know WHAT I was thinking... Sorry.
> JOSEPH: I'm.. SORRY, Wolverine. Despite the WORDS I chose, I didn't
> MEAN to HARM him.
MIKE: [as "Joseph"] Just crush him a little.
> I was merely trying to PREVENT him from causing ANY MORE damage ... to
> HIMSELF, or to OTHERS.
'BOTS: [singing] "We're a danger to ourselves and others!"
> WOLVERINE: What are ya, BLIND, Joseph?
TOM: Eh-hehm. They prefer to be called "visually challenged".
> Can't ya see the GUY'S in PAIN?
CROW: He prefers to be called "comfort challenged".
MIKE: That wasn't very funny the first time.
> The Legacy Virus is KILLIN' him -- EATING AWAY at HIS CONTROL over his
> mutant ability to control FLAME.
>
> JOSEPH: You're saying we should get him to MUIR ISLAND for TREATMENT?
MIKE: Sure, once you stop shouting....
> WOLVERINE: NOW, yer think--
TOM: -ing
MIKE: Oops- guess he can't be an X-Man, after all.
TOM: Tsk, tsk...
> PYRO: no, listen t'me, you maniac
ALL: [singing] "He's a man-i-ac! Man-i-ac! On the floor!"
> -- I'M not important. This isn't ABOUT me. it's about... THEM.
MIKE: Oh, of course. THEM. [twirls finger around his ear]
> AARRGH! ev'ry BREATH i TAKE...
TOM: [singing] "Every MOVE I MAKE... I'll be WATCHING you..."
CROW: Too easy.
> can FEEL the flames in my LUNGS!
MIKE: [singing] "Oh, oh, oh, I'm on fi-"
CROW: Ok, Mike- we GET it.
> they KNEW that. i TOLD them... went to them for HELP ... and they
> TRIED T'USE it ... AGAINST me.
TOM: Those bastards!
MIKE: And "they" are?
> ANGEL: WHO, Allerdyce. Who are "THEY"?
MIKE: Hey! Stop reading my mind!
TOM: No, only Betsy and Jean can do that.
MIKE: Oh... Hehe... That might be fun...
> TELL us and we might be able to STOP THEM for you.
MIKE: But I doubt it.
> PYRO: i don't WANT him dead...
TOM: I thought it was a woman he wanted to warn everyone about?
MIKE: Well, I'm confused.
> NOT ANYMORE. not that i know what DYIN' means. but THEY do... they
> FIGURED i had NOTHING to lose.
CROW: Do you HAVE ANY idea what he's talking about?
MIKE: He's just rambling now.
TOM: Sad, really.
> but i STILL have... MY DIGNITY.
MIKE: Well, you did until you showed up in THIS piece of trash.
> WOLVERINE: YEAH. As HIRED ASSASSINS go, yer a prince.
TOM: Wolvie, I have three words for you- Pot. Kettle. Black.
> NAMES, Pyro.
>
> ANGEL: WHO are those people? WHO is it they want to KILL?!
CROW: Hootie and the Blowfish, just the same as everyone else.
> PYRO: it's HER... just what she ALWAYS... WANTED. from the
> B'GINNING... what she wanted...
MIKE: And of course, something happens to him just as he's about to
tell us, even though he was around long enough to babble incoherently
for ten minutes.
> In less time than it takes to tell ... the MYSTERY that lingered on the
> LIPS of a DYING MAN
CROW: Ewwww...
MIKE: You might wanna try some Blistex.
> -- Is Buried BENEATH a TON of STONE which seemed to SWALLOW him whole.
CROW: Oh gee... couldn't see THAT coming.
MIKE: Even though it was approached with all the subtlety of a train
wreck.
> JOSEPH: I don't understand... it's as if the earth was SUDDENLY ALIVE!
TOM: [singing] "The Earth is alive... with the sound of music!"
> Maybe I can use my MAGNETIC POWERS to --
TOM: [as "Joseph"] -Finish my sentence!
> WOLVERINE: DON'T break a sweat. He's gone. Now that the WIND has
> changed,
MIKE: [as Wolverine] I have to go find another family with kids to be
a nanny to.
> I picked up ANOTHER scent.
CROW: Well, put it down, for cryin' out loud! You don't know where
that's been!
> One of Pyro's old TEAMMATES from the BROTHERHOOD OF MUTANTS.
TOM: Shouldn't that be the "Siblinghood of Mutants"?
CROW: Remember, they prefer to be called "genetically challenged".
> A guy by the name o' AVALANCHE was just here.
MIKE: [as Wolvie] Along with some guys name Twister, Sinkhole, and
Tsunami...
TOM: And their leader is the greatest natural disaster of them all...
ROB LIEFELD!!!
[Mike gasps, Crow faints]
> JOSEPH: You're saying... HE killed Pyro?
>
> PSYLOCKE: WORSE, he TOOK Pyro. I could SENSE them LEAVING...
MIKE: Wait, so, she could sense them leaving, but she couldn't sense
Avalanche was there IN THE FIRST PLACE and warn them?
> Avalanche using his power to move TONS of EARTH around them to COVER
> their escape.
TOM: Yeah, thanks for explaining that to us AGAIN.
> But if THEY have TURNED ON HIM as he CLAIMS ...
TOM: Saayyyy...
MIKE: No, no, "turned ON him", not "turned him ON".
> Allerdyce might have
CROW: And now, let's give a big welcome for Aller "Dyce" CLAY!
ALL: [cheering noises, etc.]
> PREFERRED to die SOONER than LATER.
MIKE: Do YOU really THINK so?
TOM: YES, I THINK he WOULD.
> PADRE: If it is of ANY SOLACE at all, I can tell you that he is a MAN
> who -- AT LONG LAST -- Is at PEACE with himself.
ALL: [as X-Men] It's not.
> ANGEL: [thinks] I wish I could say the SAME THING about ME.
CROW: He wants to get swallowed up by a ton of earth and stone?
> From the MOMENT I LOST my wings, I PRAYED I'd SOMEHOW get them back
> again. But now that I HAVE, I can't help wondering if it's just ONE
> MORE PART of APOCALYPSE'S MASTER PLAN. Or could it be I HAVE survived
> ... So that the ARCHANGEL OF DEATH is gone -- And the Angel is FREE to
> FLY AGAIN?
All: Nahhh...
MIKE: This one's an interesting case, a paranoid optimist.
> NEXT ISSUE: WOULDJA BELIEVE SPIDER-MAN & HAVOK?!
CROW: No way, they could never work out.
TOM: [as Don Adams] Would you believe...
MIKE: Time to go, guys!
CROW: Thank Stan Lee! Hey, Mike, wanna go get my web, pal?
[Mike and the 'Bots leave the theater]
1... 2... 3... 4... 5... *
[SOL]
TOM: Did everyone manage to escape with their will to live mostly intact?
MIKE: Yeah, I think so. I'm only marginally depressed. Sort of like
after glimpsing road kill on the highway.
CROW: YEAaahhh... That's it exactly!
MIKE: Oh, the mads are calling. [pushes button]
[Deep 13]
FRANK: [off-viewer] DEEP 13. SECRET HEADQUARTERS of the MAD SCIENTISTS --
NESTLED in the BOWELS beneath...
DR. F: FRANK! Snap out of it, man!
FRANK: In those shadowy corridors, THE MAN CALLED FORRESTER, and THE
MUTANT known only as TV'S FRANK -- plot SOVEREIGN RULE OF THE EARTH!
[SOL]
TOM: -The hell?
[Deep 13]
DR. F: [steps into view and confides to viewer] Frank seems to have
read too many Scott Lobdell books in one sitting and can now only speak
in cliche'ed, heavy-handed captions. A fascinating side effect, but
YOU'RE meant to be the skull we're cracking here, Nelson.
[SOL]
MIKE: It could be worse. What if he'd developed inexaustable angst
instead?
[Deep 13]
DR. F: One of these days, blond boy, I swear I'll have you talking to
dust bunnies and trying to suck Pez through a straw. Push the button,
Frank. [glances to his right side, irritated Frank isn't there] Oh,
never mind. [hits the button himself]
\|/
- * -
/|\
DR. F: Dear god, Frank; are you wearing Spandex?!
[roll credits]
MiSTing by Catherine Johnson <TCurryFan@aol.com> , with Benjamin Wick.
Host segments and editing by Benjamin Wick <phoenix@guppy.readynetgo.com> .
Mystery Science Theater 3000, and the Uncanny X-Men and all characters and
situations therein are copyrighted by Best Brains Inc. and Marvel Comics
Group, respectively. We are not selling this work, and don't have any
money, so don't sue us. In addition, this MiSTing is not a personal
attack on Marvel Comics, their staff, or anyone else. It is meant in fun
and games, and should not be taken seriously.
What are you staring at? Did I do something wrong?