This one takes place round about that time they were floatin' around
that there planet of the brain observer dudes.
[1...2...3...4...5...6...7]
CROW and TOM are skulking around in the background while MIKE speaks.
MIKE: Hi, everyone. Welcome to the Satellite of Love. I'm Mike Nelson
and these are my bots, Tom Ser--
TOM: "X"! My name is "X"!
MIKE: Sorry, "X", and Crow T. Ro--
CROW: And I'm "X" too!
MIKE: Uh..."X" and "X", I guess. You're going to have to excuse the
bots. See, the brain observer guys sent us up the entire run of "The
X-Files" to see what effect it would have on our minds, and I think the bots
took it a little too much to heart.
TOM: You're not "X", you copycat! I was "X" first!
CROW: Oh yeah, well then I'm Double-X!
TOM: Oh, great. You can teach Superboy to use his powers.
CROW: Fine! I'm XXX! Not recommended for moviegoers under 18!
Bow-chicka-BOW-bow-bow...
[Planet of the Observers]
The Observers are just standing around. Pearl and Bobo are strapped
into Clockwork Orange-type devices.
OBSERVER #1: Hello, imperfect ones. I would ask how you were all doing,
but I already know and I don't really care.
OBSERVER #2: Today we offer you a choice. Either come to our planet and
take part in our latest experiment, wherein we see if
subliminal conditioning can make you masters of the pan flute...
PEARL: AHHHHHHH! TURN IT OFF! TURN IT OFF!
(Bobo shrieks like a spider monkey.)
[SOL]
MIKE: Uh...what's door number two?
[Planet of the Observers]
OBSERVER #1: Or you can be subjected to a Captain America/Tick
crossover fanfic.
[SOL]
The guys are in a huddle.
TOM: I don't know, I always wanted to play the pan flute...
CROW: Captain America and the Tick sounds painful, Mike.
MIKE: Yeah, but so does probes in your eyeballs. Observer guys? We'll
take the fanfic.
[Planet of the Observers]
OBSERVER #2: We knew you'd choose that.
OBSERVER #1: We know everything. Well, prepare for "View Master of
Doom", imperfect ones, and if you find yourself experiencing
dementia, anyeurisms, anything like that...be sure to take notes.
[SOL]
ALL: AHHHHHHH! WE GOT FANFIC SIGN!
[7...6...5...4...3...2...1]
> View Master of DOOM
> By Patrick J. Kane (CapAmeriSR)
CROW: To View "Master of DOOM", please download the following software.
TOM: YOU CAN'T DO THIS TO ME!! I'M PATRICK J. KANE!!
> Chapter I
> Sentinel of Liberty
MIKE: Whenever I see a fanfic with chapters, I feel a black hand
closing over my heart.
> Avenger's Log:
CROW: (doing Shatner) Since the Star Trek/X-Men crossover was such a
success, we've moved down the ladder...
> Today I travel to The City in pursuit of the Red Skull.
TOM: My mommy packed me some chips and a Twinkie in my lunchbox.
> Skull had created a device that could turn any satellite into a
> mortal weapon.
MIKE: Hey, that's the _Red_ Skull. Show some respect.
> He would have to send a file to the Satellite via radio
> signal then he would have control over it. He could then increase signal
> out put past normal parameters then send a signal to a location the signal
> would be so intense where ever it is aimed it would be destroyed.
TOM: (Edgler Vess) Whoa...intense.
> He could
> only use the satellite once because the power would overload the satellite
> but there are enough satellites to send this world into a sate of
> devastation from which it may never return.
CROW: And the company that'll bring it to you? AT&T!
MIKE: Yikes. Technobabble at its most Ratliffian.
> However to access this he needs
> a CD which he lost when we were battling in a helicopter above The City.
TOM: What's the interest rate? Did Greenspan get them raised?
CROW: It's not a Marilyn Manson CD, is it? I hate that guy.
> Red Skull accidentally shot the pilot and the helicopter almost crashed in
> to the roof but I pulled us up in time but that is the time I suspected the
> CD dropped out onto the roof but there is no way to be sure.
MIKE: It's five, five, five sentences in one!
> Then Skull jumped out of the Copter about 20 min after I took control
CROW: He sure was taking his time!
> I landed on a near by roof and went in pursuit but Skull got clean away.
TOM: Darn the luck, darn it all!
MIKE: [Cap] So I decided to go catch a matinee of "Cats." God, I love
that show.
> Chapter II
> The Big Blue Defender
CROW: That's the new Secret Defenders spinoff.
> tIcK lOg: ToDAY ArtHur wENt ON VacAtioN wItH hIs SiSTer dOt.
ALL: AHHHHHHHHH!
MIKE: EVIL!
CROW: MANOS!
TOM: TORGO!
ALL: AHHHHHHHHH!
> ArTHUr was GonE LESS thaN an houR anD I'm ALREAdy BoreD boRED bored
CROW: You and me both, sister.
> I wEnT on
> PatrOL and I fOUnd A NEW sLide for my CrIme VieWMaSTer on a rOOf aND
> it WaS sHinnie
MIKE: That reminds me, Tom, put that car of yours away, willya? I
bumped my shinnie on that this morning.
> AnD I tHInk I saW a DruNk hEleCoPteR piolET hE AlmOsT CraShed buT
> iT lAndEd SafLy, I TheN saW the PIOlet I kNow I'vE SeEn Him
BeforE....
TOM: Yeah, it's Joseph Hazlewood!
> I Said to Him "Don'T I KnoW You?" he said "WhO arE YoU?"
CROW: anD I SAiD "I taKE CaRe oF tHe PLacE WHilE ThE MAStER is AWAy...
MIKE: Crow, don't you EVER--
CROW: whAT's thE MAtTEr, miKE? DOeS THIs freAK YOu ouT?
MIKE: AHHHHHH! [collapses in fetal ball]
TOM: It's okay, Mike...
> I SaID "I am the TiCK" he SaID "I'm CaPTAin AmErIcA"
MIKE: Boss, man! Let's go ride the open country searching for America!
> I sAid "No Your NoT, Arn'T You MeGo?"
TOM: Smile when you say that, pilgrim! Mego kilt my paw!
> he said "No" I tHEn rEAcheD iNtO my CrIMEFigthing napsack and pullpout a
> doll that Was DrESSed iN RED WHITE aNd BLUE,
CROW: And had curious worn spots...
MIKE: Don't GO there!
> I then lefted uP the ShirT and
CROW: Ever so gently teased his nipples with my tongue--
MIKE: PLEASE stop!
> show him "HERe ThIs Guy LOOks Like YoU, and tHE WorD it's says iS
> Mego! YouR MegO!" he SaID "yeaH WhaTEvEr"
TOM: All of a sudden he's Captain Apathy.
CROW: This must be the Liefeld Cap.
> I asked "CaN I PlaY with Your ShiEld?"
MIKE: My panty shield? No!
> he said "no" I Said "WhY nOT?" he said "because I mAY nEEd iT." I
> saID "oK"
TOM: The action just doesn't let up, does it?
MIKE: Road Rovers was more interesting than this.
> Chapter III
> Red Skull Dawn
CROW: The new single from Soundgarden.
> "THE DISK! I DROPPED THE DISK! I MUST GO BACK FOR IT!
TOM: Oh, he's got a slipped disk. Nyuk nyuk.
> It's the only one of it's kind with out my weapon can't work!"
MIKE: Only one of...with out my...hanh?
> I am the Red Skull, my real name I of no concern to you.
CROW: Damn straight you're of no concern to me.
> With the disk I was talking about I would surpass Hitler himself.
TOM: Even GANNON would bow down before me!
> Logic would assume I dropped the disk when the chopper
> went out of control.
MIKE: But logic left this fanfic a long time ago.
> So I'm headed there now IF YOU REPEAT THIS TO ANYONE
> I WILL HAVE YOUR HEAD!
CROW: ...SHAVED!
TOM: ...TATTOOED!
MIKE: ...DICED!
> Chapter IV
> The Star Spangled Baby sitter
TOM: Starring Hulk Hogan and Sherman Helmsley!
MIKE: Tom, that's Mr. Nanny.
TOM: DAMMIT, LET ME PRETEND!
> I am Captain America the leader of the Avengers, but today I have
> a different job. Baby-sitting a big blue giant. Right now he's playing
> with his view master.
TOM: Definitely the Liefeld Cap.
CROW: Yeah, the Waid/Garney Cap wouldn't put up with this idiot for a
second.
> "LOOK THE RED SKULL IS AT AN ABANDONED WAREHOUSE!" yelled the Tick
MIKE: It's the new View-Mater Cliche series!
> "What?" I asked
> "Look the View master tells all look take a look..."
TOM: (doing Cap's voice) Yes, I see...Hale-Bopp will carry us to the
planet Sirius...
MIKE: Whoa! Kinda dark, Tom?
> "ok..." I humored him and looked "Hey this is a slide from when the
> Avengers and I fought Skull for the first time.. those view master people
> did that to all of our early missions"
CROW: (doing Cap's voice) They also did one of that porno I did early
in my career.
> "It's right isn't it?"
> "yes but..."
> "SEE the view master knows all! Wait whats that your saying?"
TOM: Oh, he takes care of the place while the _View_ Master is away.
CROW: thE VIEw mASteR LIkeS YOu...buT HE Can'T hAVE yoU!
MIKE: Crow, that voice haunts my nightmares! Will you just stop?
CROW: Hey, you never had to _watch_ it.
> "Avengers Assemble"
MIKE: All right! Maybe Hawkeye and Giant-Man will show up and kick the
crap out of this big blue idiot...
> "What?"
> "it's my battle cry"
> "OH!!!!! WANNA HEAR MINE!?!?!"
> "sure why not..."
CROW: Yeah, that's what I really wanna do, listen to your stupid battle
cry...
> "SSSSSSSSPPPPPPPPPPOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
> OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOONNNNNNNNN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!> !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
TOM: "Spon?" Did he just make a Goon Show reference?
MIKE: Sssshhhh! Van Domelen will hear you!
> "did you just say Spoon?"
> "yes, ain't a cool battle cry? SPOOON!"
> " Ah yeah..." what have I gotten myself into I think Luna is more
> mature than this guy...
MIKE: Who's Luna?
TOM: Luna is the child of Quicksilver and Crystal of the Inhumans. She
first appeared in Avengers number--(the others are looking at him) oh,
no...
MIKE & CROW: Faaaaaaaan boyyyyyyyyyy! Faaaaaaaaaan boyyyyyyyyy!
> Chapter IV
> Me and Mego
CROW: The sequel to "Amazing Grace and Chuck."
MIKE: I thought it was the sequel to "Mac and Me."
TOM: You're both wrong. It's that new Bronson Pinchot show.
> TicK LoG: TodaY I meT Mego anD wE tALK aNYways let me BrINg you tO
> whERE aM now.
MIKE: i LIkE iT HERe. thE TV ROom is fUN ANd SO is MEDicAtIOn...
> "Do YoU wANt tO sEE mY nEW SlidE?" I aSKEd "Not REallY" he SaID. I
> Said CoMe on I JusT founD It tODay" he SaID "FiNE"
TOM: I'll turn this fanfic around right now!
> I theN WeNt tO PuT iT iN But It didn't fIT sO I haD To ShOVE it In buT
> iT ShatteRED.....
CROW: Look! It's in tatters!
MIKE: Shadoobie!
> Chapter V
> Foiled by a Viewmaster
TOM: I woulda got away with it if it weren't for that pesky
Viewmaster!
> I was on the opposite roof from my nemesis Captain America and a big blue
> guy when I saw him shove the CD into Viewmaster..
CROW: You know, for the symbol of the Nazi menace, this guy's really
informal.
> All I could do was yell
>
> "NNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNOOO
> OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
> OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO"
> yelled I
MIKE: Yep. Been there, done that.
TOM: Oui, I did yell that thing.
> Epilogue
TOM: A Quinn Martin production!
> Captain America caught the Red Skull when Skull fell onto his knees
> crying and screaming.
TOM: Something about "no more big thighs..."
> Captain Learned that what was what he thought was
> another viewmaster slide was the CD.
MIKE: You think?
CROW: Why does it hurt so much, Mike?
> To thank the Tick Captain America
> bought the Tick a whole package of viewmaster slides.
CROW: And then BEAT HIM SAVAGELY WITH HIS SHIELD!
> The End
TOM: LEAVE THIS PLACE!
[1...2...3...4...5...6...7]
MIKE: Well...that certainly hurt.
CROW: Mike, how come all of the Tick's dialogue looked like John Doe's
notebooks from "Seven?"
TOM: Actually, it was called "Se7en."
MIKE: Well, you see, Crow--
CROW: "Seven."
TOM: "Se7en."
MIKE: In an effort to portray insanity--
CROW: "Seven."
TOM: "Se7en."
MIKE: It's reminiscent of "Flowers for Algernon--"
CROW: "SEVEN!"
TOM: "SE7EN!"
MIKE: Never mind...
[Planet of the Observers]
The Observers are sitting at tables and drinking coffee, while Pearl
and Bobo serenade them with the pan flute. They're wincing at all the high notes.
OBSERVER #1: Let's think about these ideas a little more next time.
OBSERVER #2: Okay.
[Fade out]
Mystery Science Theater 3000 and its related characters and situations
are trademarks of and (c) 1997 by Best Brains, Inc. All rights
reserved.
Use of copyrighted and trademarked material is for entertainment
purposes only; no infringement on the original copyrights or trademarks held by
Best Brains, Inc. is intended or should be inferred.
Pete Milan Inspired Weirdness Productions
tick@eyrie.org
Feel free to check out mein web page at http://www.eyrie.org/~tick if you really feel like you have to.
Fair warning, it's under construction and causes polyps. Enjoy it anyway!
"How's your life?"
"In progress." --_Grosse Pointe Blank_