X, Part II

CROW: (bursts into tears) I was just kidding about X II! I've been a good 'bot! PLEASE make it go away! WAAAAH!!!

The New Age of Mutants

MIKE: (sigh) On any other day, we'd just have to start singing "The Age Of Apocalypse" at this point, but right now we're too depressed.
TOM: You said it, brutha.

The Mutant Legacy
CHAPTER 1

TOM: (deep and dramatic) Arrakis. Dune. Desert planet...

"Welcome to a new school year," says Mr. Clark. "We hope that this year
will be the greatest year that Sewickley Academy has had yet.

MIKE: (Mr. Clark) Now that we've finally gotten rid of that little Vincent creep...

With our new seventh graders, and our new ninth graders,

CROW: We won't discuss that little incident involving a school bus carrying the entire eighth-grade class and its "accidental" plunge into an active volcanic crater...
TOM: What, they took a field trip to Los Angeles?
CROW: (rimshot)
MIKE: (greatly pained) No Tommy Lee Jones jokes. Don't start. Please. I'll get screaming "Two-Face" flashbacks and you'll have to defibrillate me again.

this year holds quite a bit of potential. And now here's Mr. Zaluski."

TOM: ...To tell us all about specialty breads!

There is a moment of polite applause from the crowd of students, for none
of them are very excited to be back in school.

MIKE: That, and the fact that most of them are stoned out of their minds.

Suddenly, the stage emits a great yellow light from behind the brown curtains.
A hush falls over the students.

CROW: So now EVERYONE can hear those two ninth-graders snogging away in the back of the auditorium.

"BUT BEFORE WE GET ON WITH THE ASSEMBLY, WE HAVE
SOMETHING A LITTLE DIFFERENT FOR YOU!!!,"

TOM: AAAAH! TURN OFF YOUR CAPS LOCK, YOU JERK!!! Sheesh. Newbies.

booms a loud voice over the stereo system. The curtains flew open.

TOM: Ground Control, we have verb-tense shift -- repeat, we HAVE verb-tense shift!

Exodus stood on center stage. Behind him was the gigantic figure of Delgado.
Other Acolytes stood around Exodus. It was truly a sight to behold.

MIKE: Well, yeah, but so's the biggest ball of twine in Minnesota.

"We come here today not to harm you, but to save four of you from
certain death.

CROW: The rest of you losers are going on "Singled Out" whether you like it or not!

But before we begin, let me introduce you all to our savior, SHADOW!"
A burst of smoke. A shadow-like figure. An awed silence. A shout.

ALL: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO--!
MIKE: Hey, pretty good, guys. That sounded a lot like our scream in the preview at the end of "X."
CROW: (modestly) We've been practicing.

"Who are you, and what do you want," shouted Mr. Clark.

CROW: Geez, I didn't expect the Spanish Inquisition.
TOM: NOOObody inquests the Spanish Exqui-- Oh drat. I'll come in again.
CROW: Uh, sorry, no you won't. That joke's already as dead as a Constantine girl. You missed the boat, buddy.

"Nothing that has to do with you," I said. "Exodus, read the names."

TOM: Roderick.
MIKE: Welease Wodewick!
CROW: Erm, guys? I think we're now well over today's quota of Monty Python jokes.

"Will the following people please come up onto the stage. If you are
to frightened, we will send someone to help you," said Exodus. "Rory
Browne." I walked into the crowd, looking for him.

MIKE: (Andrew) Rory? Rory! Here boy! Heeeere boy! (whistles, then mutters) ...swear I'm gonna have him neutered...

Again, I was reminded of our friendship that we had once had. Someone stood up.
"I'm Rory Browne," said that someone. Another person stood up.

CROW: Uh, heh heh, hi, I'm NOT Rory Browne, I just had a leg cramp. Sorry.

"No, I'm Rory Browne." Soon, there were ten people standing up,
claiming to be Rory Browne.

TOM: Several others stood up and claimed to be Spartacus, but they were ignored.

I looked them over. I saw a familiar face in the crowd. As I rushed towards
him, he started to punch and kick at me.

CROW: God, who wouldn't?

I immediately remembered the times when we had attacked each other for fun.

MIKE: Uhhh...what? Guys? Does this make ANY sense to either of you?
TOM: Nope.
CROW: Not a word.
MIKE: Oh good, for a moment there I thought I was going mad. (He shakes his head and sinks lower in his seat, muttering "...the first time I had never had before...")

We didn't hurt each other, but I could clearly remember his fighting style.

TOM: Unfortunately, it involved an awful lot of flying saliva and the occasional nasty wedgie.

He always was more aggressive, and defense was no where in his vocabulary.
I grabbed his leg on its way down from a kick that had missed me by mere
inches. I lifted his leg up, and painlessly took him to the ground.

MIKE: This is wrong...this is SO wrong...

"Rory, stop this," I whispered to him. "It's me, Andrew." When I
said that, my power to make myself invisible in shadows stopped, and my
eyes lost their green flash. My face was clearly visible now.

TOM: And then Rory REALLY started fighting like a crazed schnauzer!

"Andrew?" Rory asked.
CROW: Noooo, it's Zsa-Zsa Gabor on a really-bad-hair day.

"Yep, it's me. Now don't worry. Avalon isn't that bad, and since your
my friend, you'll get a lot of perks throughout your new home.

MIKE: Booze, babes, all-night Descent/Doom/Diablo marathons, the occasional painful genetic restructuring, your own personal nuclear warhead...

Trust me. Now just go stand up on stage, unless you want to help me find
the other mutants."
"I'll help you, Andrew," Rory said. I gave him my hand, and I helped
him up.

CROW: (Andrew) Now give me back my hand, you schmuck.

"Who's next, Exodus?" I asked.
"A girl named Sara Hiland," said Exodus. "I believe she is in Rory's grade."

CROW: Woo! That Andrew really knows how to pick up the chicks! Show up with a pack of Magneto's Acolytes and forcibly kidnap 'em!
TOM: Come to think of it, how else COULD Andrew pick up chicks?

"Now folks. Let's not do the same thing we did when I came to find
Rory. If you do, I might have to

MIKE: (Andrew) ...get down and rassle with YOU, too. Oh, stop whimpering, you bunch'a weenies, it's fun!

kill you. And anyway, Rory goes to this school, and he knows a lot of you.
I also went to this school, but that doesn't matter.

MIKE: Hey, he said it, not us.
TOM: This is far too easy.

So, will Sara Hiland please stand up."

CROW: How hard can it be? There's no way they can pull that stupid "standing up and claiming to be Rory" thing when it comes to Little Miss Hiland here.
TOM: Oh?
CROW: Sure. Because...There Can Be Only One!
TOM & MIKE: D'OH!

"No need for that, Andrew," said a female voice from behind me. "If
Rory's going to wherever you came from, so am I." I turned around to see
a beautiful young woman standing beside Rory.

MIKE: I didn't think there WERE "beautiful young women" in eighth grade.
CROW: Well, according to certain newsgroups...what? What? What are you both staring at?

"Rory, is that Sara?" I asked.

CROW: (Rory) No, but who cares? I'll take her! Woo!

"Yeah, this is her," he replied.
"You know she had a thing for you?"
"Not until now. Who's next, Exodus?"

TOM: (flatly) Oh. Oh. The dramatic flowering of tender young love. I am overwhelmed. Fan me before I swoon from the sheer passionate intensity of this revelation.

"A ninth grader who we only know as Flair."
"Flair!?!" I said. "Is that her real name, or did the computer screw up again?

MIKE: No, it's just Andrew.

What kind of a name is Flair?!" The answer I got was a punch in the face.

(All cheer wildly)

The punch broke my concentration, my eyes lost their strange green flash, and
my face became visible to the crowd.

CROW: Who for some reason were suddenly a lot less intimidated and began to throw bottles at the Acolytes.

"All right, girly. Now your gonna get it." A plasma ball formed in my hand.
I turned around. I took aim. I got kicked. I fell down.

(All cheer in MORE wildly and shout out various bits of encouragement like "I LIKE Flair!" "Go Flair!" and "Render him sterile, Flair!")

"No one, I mean no one calls me girly," said the voice of Flair. I leapt
up from the ground, and took her down. When she hit the ground, my armor
emitted a knock out gas.

MIKE: (waving his hand) Oh YUCK!!! Whew! That does it: no more Mexican Fiesta Night up on Avalon.

"Delgado, take her up on stage, but be careful not to hurt her," I said.

CROW: (Delgado) Duuuuh, take her up on stage and hurt her, got it boss...
TOM: Naaah. Even unconscious, Flair could kick his ass.
CROW: Oooo, I know. (lovesick sigh)

I turned around to see a seventh grader that looked very much like a football player.

TOM: What, six feet wide at the shoulders and missing most of his teeth?

"Andrew, if your takin' them, then your takin' me."

MIKE: (Andrew, campily) My, my, they're just comin' out of the woodwork today! Well, big boy, let me see if I can fit you into my schedule tonight...do you mind overlapping with Rory?
CROW: Mike, if I didn't know better, I'd say that was a MAJOR double entendre.
MIKE: Could be.
CROW: Do I get to snap YOUR beak shut?
MIKE: Oh, sure! When you get functioning arms, anyway.
CROW: Soooo, in other words, never?
MIKE: Right.
CROW: I hate you.

I remembered him from one of my memories of my former life. He was better
to have as a friend than as an enemy.
"Who's next, Exodus?" I asked.
"Dan Cummins."
"Well Dan, I guess you can come," I told him.

TOM: (strained humor) Oh, I get it! "Cummins"..."come"! I get the pun! Ha ha ha!
CROW: Eh, that was just an accident. Vincent did NOT plan that one.
TOM: Uh. Oh. Um. Sure, just go right ahead and ruin even the tiniest scrap of pleasure for me, Crow.

"Well, thank you all so very much for your cooperation. Oh yeah. If you
haven't figured out who I am, I am Andrew Vincent, a would be

MIKE: ...writer...

ninth grader. So long Sewickley Academy."

CROW: (campily) He-LLLLOOOOO Vegas!

"Freeze! This is the police. Don't move, and nobody gets hurt."

MIKE: Hey, look, it's the Stereotype Cops! I wondered what had happened to them!
TOM: Me too. I mean, they were by far the most natural, believable part of the first "X."

"Hey Rory, lets see if you can convince this flatscan not to bother us,"
I said to Rory.
"But Andrew, I don't have any mutant powers," Rory whispered.

CROW: So? You don't need mutant powers to take a bullet for me. Go on, you big wussy-boy.

"Think stun, close your right eye, and then open it. Just make sure your
looking at the officer," I said.

MIKE: (suddenly breaks down sobbing) I can't do this...I can't make it...go on without me, fellas...
TOM: Is that true, Nelson? Can you get powers by just thinking that you deserve them because you're a friend of the author? I'll have to try that some time.
MIKE: (moans in agony, slumping down in his seat)

As I watched the officer, I could see sweat dripping down his neck. Next, he
slumped to the ground, thanks to Rory's new found mutant powers.

TOM: (Andrew) Oh, GOOD one, Rory, just spin his brain 360 degrees inside his skull why don't you?

"Again, thanks to your cooperation, and so long Sewickley." I felt my body
begin to break down. (SFISCH)

ALL: (jump in mock fright) AAAH!
CROW: Hey, this is kinda fun.

"Andrew? No, it couldn't have been," whispered a nameless face in the crowd.

MIKE: (nameless face) I mean, Andrew was this annoying little comic-book-reading twerp with delusions of...oh wait. Yeah, I guess that WAS Andrew.

* * * * * * * *

And that's only Chapter One! Just wait for the REAL pain to start in
Chapter Two, when Flair inexplicably falls for Andrew and the entire
cast leaps out of a plane on the assumption that they can fly! Yes, it's
pure classic Vincent, and it's coming your way...as soon as I can rope
my husband into helping me polish it off. Blame him for the delay!

.-=K=-.